The Beast - February 2019

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WELCOME TO FEBRUARY 2019... ALWAYS SHORT BUT SWEET Words Dan and James Hutton

W

elcome to the February 2019 edition of The Beast, the monthly magazine for Sydney’s Beaches of the East.

The second month of the year may only be a short one, but it’s usually a good one. The holidays are over, the kids are back at school and some semblance of routine and normality is returning to our lives. For all the excitement that the festive season and summer holidays brings, it’s always a relief to see the back of it.

At this time of year the weather is still toasty and warm, and those icy cold upwellings at our beaches become less frequent, making an early morning or late arvo swim before or after work much more enjoyable. Better still, there are a few more months of daylight saving in which to enjoy such pursuits.

In the mag this month, Siriol Dafydd updates us on the progress

6 The Beast | February 2019

being gradually made with the Bondi Pavilion restoration and Dan Hutton reports on a recordbreaking Christmas Presents for Sick Kids event, while Joel Bevilacqua enlightens us about a new co-ed public school proposal in Randwick and also shares a story about Coogee local Sophie Smith’s Australian of the Year Awards triumph.

Bronte resident and Bachelor host Osher Günsberg is on the cover this month. He talks about his mental health battles, the importance of pill testing and how a Kabbalist mystic helped make him the man he is today.

Thanks again to all those who helped this month’s magazine come together in record time (does anyone actually work in the fortnight after Christmas?) and to everyone who continues to read it.

Dan and James - Publishers

THE BEAST The Beast Pty Ltd ABN 32 143 796 801 www.thebeast.com.au

Editors james@thebeast.com.au dan@thebeast.com.au

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CONTENTS Fe brua ry 201 9 Issue 169

06 09 10 12 18 20 22 32

Welcome Note Contents Pearls of Wisdom Monthly Mailbag Local Chick Thumbs & Dogs Local News Satire

34 36 50 52 53 54 55 56

Calendar Interview Bruce's Banter Marjorie's Musings Beastpops Headnoise Con Gestion Unreliable Guide

Limbering up, by Mark Hunter. Instagram: @bondihunter.

57 58 60 62 64 65 66 66

Tide Chart Sporting Life Local Photos Food & Wine Reviews Trivial Trivia Beardy From Hell Trivia Solutions

Gettin' hectic at Hillsong.

YO YO YO, SLOMO HAS TO GO Words Pearl Bullivant Picture Kim Kardashian

H

ow low can Australia’s political climate go with the selfnamed ‘ScoMo’ as Prime Minister?

It’s bad enough that a country which prides itself on larrikinism and egalitarianism is so caught up in materialism and the fallacy of economic growth that it continues to elect and tolerate conservative governments with their warped version of capitalism. But now we have hit a new level of low, with the delusional Scott Morrison at the federal helm, grinning maniacally and popping up on our TV screens like a crazy used-car salesman whilst channelling a homeboy wearing True Religion jeans and CK undies. Adding to the image are ScoMo’s ‘roadies’ in a big blue bus, banjo-strumming their way to Queensland while the boss man flies up in a private jet. Hey bro, you ain’t no ScoMo, you’re more like SloMo! Rapping isn’t Pearl’s forte, but critiquing right wing nutjob politicians certainly is, and the name ‘SloMo’ certainly has a ring of accuracy to it. Daggy and evangelical, Scotty has an uncanny re10 The Beast | February 2019

semblance to the character Randy in the TV series My Name is Earl, combined with a small touch of The Dukes of Hazard’s Boss Hog. After all, he comes from the Shire, NSW’s answer to the Wild West.

Like a dolt who keeps touching an open flame and wonders why it burns, SloMo cannot comprehend why Australians are not embracing him and he thinks the only way to win them over is by upping the ante on the very issues that are losing him the support he so craves.

Australians have become very greedy due to affluence and will put up with a lot of crap – destructive mining, dodgy bankers, overdevelopment, privatisation – provided the share and property markets are booming, and their superannuation balances are soaring. Even the interim reports from the banking royal commission have failed to shake Australians from their complacency. We thrive on the economic panic that conservative governments whip up over negative gearing, live exports, private school funding models and electricity prices. But the one thing

that will creep Australians out is ultra far-right behaviour, and we have been increasingly tested by the American-style lunacy that has taken over the house and culminated in the prime ministership of SloMo. It’s taken the unceremonious overthrowing of Malcolm Turnbull for Australians to finally turn away from the LNP, the main aim of which is to serve its master - big business - putting short-term profit before long-term planning and the environment. But SloMo isn’t getting the message. Instead, in the style of a bible-thumping evangelist, he thinks that by becoming more regressive, more self-righteous and anti-intellectual, and by putting the screws on he is going to win the country over, dressed in a cap and grinning maniacally.

So SloMo, take heed of the hypocritical words of that ‘intellectual heavyweight’ Andrew Bolt: “Some people are so desperate to be right that everything they see confirms even their craziest theories.”

You might have met the Donald, Scotty, but you ain’t no K-West.

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THE BEAST'S MONTHLY MAILBAG Words The People of the Eastern Suburbs TAKING THE MYSTERY OUT OF SPOTTING SHARKS Without a doubt, one way to deal with the sharp rise in shark attacks around Australia is to increase surveillance (Local Shark Sightings Fail to Overturn Drone Trial Snub, The Beast, January 2019).

To this end, the University of Technology Sydney (UTS) has joined forces with Australian drone company The Ripper Group to develop an award-winning drone that does the job autonomously with 90 per cent accuracy (http://newsroom.uts.edu.au/news/2018/09/ sharkspotter-combines-ai-anddrone-technology-spot-sharksand-aid-swimmers-australian).

Autonomous detection and wireless reporting takes the pressure off drone pilots while allowing trained personnel such as lifesavers (and lifeguards) to decide between threat and non-threat from the comfort of their tower or clubhouse.

SharkSpotter is a smart Aussie invention from an innovative, local, public university working handin-hand with an Aussie company to solve a quintessential Aussie problem with global reach. Department of Primary Industries (DPI) and affected councils, take note.

Regards, David Beins Randwick GLAD GRACIE’S NOT RUNNING THE SHOW Dear Editor - I must say it is a huge relief we don't have the likes of Gracie Otto running our country, following her comments in last month's Beast on immigration.

12 The Beast | February 2019

Unfortunately there is an abundance of like-minded, pink-haired, nebulous people out there with a similar, idealistic, warped view of the world.

James Hutton: "What about people coming here whose lives aren't f**ked and they just want to come here anyway?"

Gracie Otto: “Yeah, but why not? We can go wherever we want as well."

Since when, Gracie? Australian citizens certainly cannot pack their bags and permanently emigrate to Canada, the US or any EU country without going through a strict legal application process. We are not permitted to simply turn up and stay indefinitely.

Gracie Otto: "We've got so much room here. When you think about how big our country is, there's so much room for everyone."

There may be a lot of room here, Gracie, but have you heard of anyone living off 'space'? People live off their work. In addition to work, you need housing, transport, hospitals and schools. This infrastructure cannot be built overnight to accommodate millions of arrivals. Just look at how long that piece of shit South East Light Rail is taking to build. Should give you an idea. The continent of Africa has a population of over 1.2 billion, most of whom are extremely impoverished. If we were to open our borders suddenly, a conservative estimate of at least a million people would arrive in the first year. In 2015, over a million migrants arrived in Europe. Germany was so overwhelmed it had to create

makeshift housing out of shipping containers. Sweden had to rent passenger cruise ships to house the vast migration wave.

Even here in Australia, we have already experienced a ‘lite’ version of open borders with the former 457 visa, and what happened? In just eight years, property prices doubled, yet salaries remained totally stagnant in the same period, with zero growth. Do you really think such a situation is sustainable, for both locals and new migrants?

It is far more prudent to maintain this country as a stable, wealthy country, with the ability to not only share wealth with new, legal migrants and donations to less fortunate countries, but also provide technical assistance and economic know-how to enable developing countries and their people to eventually stand on their own merits.

Australia and every other country is not just a piece of land, it is a business. And you don't just hire anyone for your business, you need to be selective about who you let into the company. That selection process is what has made this country the economic success it is today, and it is the lack of that selection process which is currently causing the economic and leftist political downfall of Western Europe.

Fab Bondi WHY SO MANY ACTORS? Hello friends at The Beast - Thanks for creating a quality magazine for the Eastern Suburbs each month.

I often get lots of good ideas from the information shared in it!

One aspect of the magazine I have grown weary of is the use of actresses and actors as the cover models and the use of them as main interviews for most of your issues.

Out of all the members of society who make up the fabric of the Eastern Suburbs, why is so much attention paid to people who read a script and act out fantasy scenarios?

I once did an 'acting for fun’ course at my local college to distract me from a challenging time in my life and I found acting to be the most inane thing I’ve

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ever done. The teacher actually got angry at me because I wasn’t trying hard enough to act angry! I had a discussion with her to remind her this was all make-believe, but she was so intent on the script and the importance of the fantasy she lost sight of what matters in this world.

To me, the most important aspect of a successful life is developing your mind in a skilful way that leads to more peace and love. Acting is certainly fun and entertaining, but to have actors constantly on the cover makes me feel like The Beast cares mainly about people in TV and films.

The "I just moved from LA to Bondi and I love the vibe" interviews are starting to get a little repetitive. Go find a local hero who does something for the community and is not famous and put them on the cover. Cheers!

Paul THE GREENING OF NOTLEY-SMITH Perhaps rattled by the fact that his very own Liberal Party has not won an election since 2015, that recently the seat the Liberal Party had owned for decades - Wentworth - was so spectacularly lost, that his party got hammered in Victoria, and that some federal polls give Labor a 10-point lead, Bruce Notley-Smith seems to feel the pinch. His strategy appears to be to green himself through bicycle lane ways (Freedom and Joy is but a Bicycle Away, The Beast, December 2018) and renewable energy (NSW Won’t Be Left out in the Coal’d, The Beast, January 2019).

Notley-Smith writes: “Canberra should be providing the leadership but has proven itself incapable for 10 years now”. This is a remarkable statement. Firstly, behind the euphemism “Canberra” lurks his own party, currently in power in Canberra – the Liberal Party with ScoMo at the helm. Before that it was Turnbull and before that Tony Abbott. Secondly, global warming is much older than Notley-Smith’s “10 years”. The Kyoto Protocol was signed in 1992. Soon thereafter, Notley-Smith’s party mate, John Howard, sabotaged the global agreement for more than a decade from 1996 to 2007. Tony Abbott continued this.

14 The Beast | February 2019

So much for leadership.

Notley-Smith’s current leader in Canberra is ScoMo. Not only has ScoMo stabbed a sitting prime minister (Malcolm Turnbull) in the back to get the job, he is also famous for bringing coal into the parliament to show us that “coal is harmless”. If that is the leadership Mr Notley-Smith is pining for, perhaps some would say, “Thanks, but no thanks.” What we are facing goes much beyond what Mr Notley-Smith tries to pretend in his Beast articles.

Just three little snippets will show this. Firstly, there is WallaceWell’s New York Magazine piece on ‘The Uninhabitable Earth’. Then there is Brooke Jarvis’ New York Times article ‘The Insect Apocalypse is Here’, and finally, for the more scientifically inclined reader, there is John F. McLaughlin’s ‘Climate Change Hastens Population Extinctions’. These, the global consensus of the scientific community, and his own studies have led Sir David Attenborough to the conclusion that climate change is our greatest threat. Set against this are Mr Notley-Smith’s Mickey Mouse initiatives on bicycle lanes (December) and his comments on Canberra leadership by coal-carrying and Adani-supporting ScoMo. Despite the desperate attempt to green himself, perhaps the sticker that one can see on many cars on the Northern Beaches – Time’s Up Tony – applies here as well. Time is up for out-dated environmental policies, Mickey Mouse initiatives, sabotaging of global agreements, for people with coal in their hands, for a prime minister and a party that supports Adani’s coalmine, and perhaps even for local politicians craving for a leadership nobody wants while pretending to be green.

Thomas Coogee COAL’D DISCOMFORT The state government has the responsibility to ensure that we have sufficient energy to meet our domestic and industrial requirements reliably and at affordable and competitive prices. NSW generated 66,066 gigawatt hours of electricity in 2014 of which coal

contributed 82.3 per cent, gas 6.9 per cent and renewables (including Snowy Scheme) 10.8 per cent.

Presently NSW meets about 90 per cent of local demand, the rest supplied mainly by Victoria and Queensland. The 2015 demandsupply balance outlook was that NSW should only be able to meet demand for between 6 and 8 years, which is not surprising since all NSW coal-fired power stations are nearing the end of their design capabilities. We would be unwise to rely upon electricity from those politically unreliable states into the future.

Bruce Notley-Smith, our local state member, seems to think that somehow our requirements will be met should we not build new coalfired generators (NSW Won’t Be Left out in the Coal’d, The Beast, January 2019). His fantasies seem to assume that renewable energy sources and battery technology will miraculously provide the huge looming shortfall between coalgenerated power and demand.

Ludicrously, he pins his hopes upon planned projects that may never come to fruition, let alone be as efficient as theorised. In any event, they would provide nothing like the 66,066 gigawatt hours currently being generated in NSW. Strange it is that China is forging ahead with the construction of coal-fired power stations in the face of the Notley-Smith assertion that they are a bad investment. But then the Chinese, who develop the technology, know full well the limitations of existing and predicted renewable energy options.

Perhaps our local member might give the CEO of Tomago Aluminium a call in order to learn the adverse effect upon industry and jobs of fantasy-based meddling with energy supplies. A dose of reality for Mr Notley-Smith would seem necessary.

I accept that the climate is changing and has since the Earth was formed. However, as our chief scientist Dr Alan Finkel accepts that if the carbon emissions of the world were reduced by 1.3 per cent (i.e. approximately Australia’s emissions) the impact on the changing climate of the world would be “virtually nothing”, it

would be absurd to be impetuous.

Yes, utilise renewables, but don’t abandon existing reliable systems until developing technologies provide - in actuality as opposed to blind faith - comparable output and reliability.

I would prefer Mr Notley-Smith to direct his energies towards reinstating the direct bus link between Bronte and Central Railway.

Greg Maidment Bronte THROWN UNDER THE BUS Dear Editors - I trust that perhaps you could assist and take up the baton to help the residents in Sandridge Street, Fletcher Street (lower end) and Kenneth Street, Tamarama. Not all residents down here are self-made millionaires driving Porsches or MercedesBenzes.

For the past 50 to 60 years (as far as I can remember), there has always been a bus service covering this area. Even when the tram service was in operation there was a bus service along Tamarama and Bronte, as the trams couldn't make

16 The Beast | February 2019

it up the hill at Fletcher Street. It has been tweaked over the years, but it generally covered transport to Bondi Junction.

My vested interest in this is that my mother, Carmela Parrelli, who is 87 years of age, has resided in Fletcher Street for 60 years and is losing confidence in being able to get to Bondi Junction to socialise with friends.

Since the bus service 'changes' were announced in September 2018, the 361 has been cancelled and changes to the 381 service have resulted in no service stop for this area. For elderly and mobilityimpaired local residents who are unable to walk up or down a 30-degree incline of 200 metres up Fletcher Street (between Dellview and Alexander Streets), they now need to walk over to Bondi Road (Hunter Park) to catch the bus service to Bondi Junction.

Last week, the bus stop and bus shelter at Hunter Park were removed and replaced with vehicle parking. This has only made the situation worse.

The rights of and respect for

the residents have been ignored. I guess the elderly and mobility-impaired residents are a minority who do not interest the government or the local member.

I have tried to communicate this concern with our local member but to no avail.

Perhaps you may have a better chance or idea to address this matter, or suggest the next 'Bruce's Banter' article may address local issues rather than talking/shifting blame regarding energy policy (NSW Won’t Be Left out in the Coal’d, The Beast, January 2019) on to the federal government. By the way, wasn't it the state Liberal government that 'sold' coal-fired power stations in the first place?

Yours Faithfully, Anthony Parrelli Tamarama EDITOR'S NOTE State Transit has been contacted for comment. We will publish their response next month. Thanks again for all of your letters.

Dan and James Publishers

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always up for a chat or a party. It attracts all sorts of people from all over the world and it has an incredible energy.

Worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs? Maybe it’s the neverending building going on, but to be honest I really had to search to find something bad about living here.

Do you have a favourite sporting team? I don’t know if they qualify as a team but I love watching Stephanie Gilmore, Tyler Wright and any of the Aussie girls surfing.

What music are you into at the moment? I have to admit my husband is the DJ in our home. At the moment it’s the new album by Fat Freddy’s Drop, ‘Blind’ by Hercules & Love Affair and a Spotify playlist from Daniel Wang.

Who is your favourite person? My daughters Ivy and Vivi, and my husband Jonny. He’s a very funny man.

Enjoying the local energy.

LOCAL CHICK...

EMMA SADDINGTON FROM BRONTE Interview James Hutton Picture Ness Rowe

E

mma Saddington has lived in Bronte for nearly a decade.

Just over a year ago, Emma and her friend Abigail launched MochO, a business selling premium ocean ponchos for women. Emma shares her local favourites with The Beast…

How long have you lived here? We moved up from Melbourne for a 6-month job - that was over 9 years ago and we never left.

Why do you live here? Living so close to a stunning surf beach in a capital city is the dream. Throw in perfect weather and the question is: “Why would you leave?”

What’s your favourite beach? I love them all but Bondi is my favourite. I can never get enough of the energy of Bondi. I learnt (and

18 The Beast | February 2019

am still learning) to surf at Bondi Beach and I met my business partner on the beach in the process. It’s a truly wonderful place.

What’s your favourite eatery?

Favoloso for my coffee and a chat with Nick, and the Brazilian restaurant Bronte Belo at Bronte Beach, but North Bondi Fish is hands-down my favourite.

Where do you like to have a drink?

Bronte Surf Club on the weekend and North Bondi Fish - the view is astonishing and Benji the manager is the best!

Best thing about the Eastern Suburbs? It’s got to be the people.

I moved to Sydney with two young kids and didn’t know a soul. People were so friendly and everyone is

What do you get up to on the weekends? Kids sport with the beach squeezed in or hanging at home with the husband while the kids play with the neighbours’ kids on the street.

What do you do for work? My friend Abigail and I launched our business, MochO, a year ago, selling premium ocean ponchos for women. We’re very proud that they’re made in Australia from imported European terry towelling with an original design created by us.

What’s your favourite thing about work? Abigail and I have to get in the water to use our product! And having meetings overlooking the beautiful beaches is fantastic.

Do you have a favourite quote?

“Everything in moderation, including moderation.”

Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? Get in the water whenever you can, and then throw on a MochO après aqua!

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waverley.nsw.gov.au/localhero February 2019 | The Beast 19

AUGIE Age 10 years Sex Male Breed Maltese X Shih Tzu Weight 5.5kg Augie is a sweet, attentive boy. He has a gentle nature and is very social with other dogs. He came from the pound with severe dental disease but he has had a full check-up and feels so much better. He loves his baths and is easy to groom as he has a non-shedding coat. Augie comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free and microchipped. Also included for the love and wellbeing of Augie is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet. For more details, please call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email monika@doggierescue.com.

When East meets West.

THUMBS UP LOVEBIRDS A huge congratulations to Bronte’s James Martin and his Western Australian sweetheart Bec Bignell, who tied the knot on the other side of the country on New Year’s Eve. LAUGH AND LEARN Thanks to the local owneroperators of Laugh and Learn toy shops, Tanya and Anne-Maree, for being so supportive of Wardy's Christmas Presents for Sick Kids. We are eternally grateful.

WEIRD WEATHER PHENOMENA Spooky lingering sea mist, hammering hail storms and insane electric lightning displays are all part of the fun here in the Eastern Beaches.

FREEDOM OF SPEECH As long as it’s done respectfully, there’s nothing wrong with discussing issues and speaking your mind. In order to be able to think, you have to risk offending people.

THUMBS DOWN HUMID SUMMER NIGHTS Peeling the sticky sheets off your sweaty rig after a sweltering sleepless night isn’t the best way to start the day.

DEPRESSION We lost another beautiful soul to the Black Dog during January. If you are feeling down, please reach out to someone or give Lifeline a call on 13 11 14.

THIEVES This time of year really brings out the shitbags around here, with another spate of robberies and ransackings around the area.

20 The Beast | February 2019

BOSTON Age 10 years Sex Male Breed Corgi X Staffy Weight 15.9kg Boston is an accommodating guy. He is gentle and takes treats without fuss. He came from the pound severely neglected. His lower body had no fur and his skin had that familiar yeasty smell, like an old wetsuit rotting on your bathroom floor. He is on regular medicated washes and his hair is slowly growing back. Boston comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free and microchipped. Also included for the love and wellbeing of Boston is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet. For more details, call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email monika@doggierescue.com.

ST NIC Age 2 years Sex Male Breed Wolfhound X Labrador Weight 33kg St Nic is a social, well-mannered boy. He walks nicely on loose lead, ignoring cars and dogs. He moves at a good pace and likes to run. He loves his pats and jumps up to lick your face, if that’s what you’re into.

He sits on command and would be very easy to train further. He has a wiry coat. St Nic comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free and microchipped. Also included for the love and wellbeing of St Nic is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet. For more details, please call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email monika@doggierescue.com.

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February 2019 | The Beast 21

A rare aerial shot of the Bondi Pavilion back in 1940.

BONDI PAVILION RESTORATION PROJECT EDGES FORWARD Words Siriol Dafydd Instagram @sirioldafyddwriter Picture Bob Menzies

I

t’s slap-bang in the middle of Bondi Beach and has been for donkey’s years, but does anybody actually know what’s happening with the Bondi Pavilion these days?

For those of you who haven’t been following the Bondi Pavilion Restoration and Conservation Project so far, don’t expect to see any dramatic changes to the Bondi skyline or a state of the art monstrosity displacing the current building.

Thankfully, this $25 million project will be upgrading the interior and improving the function of the building whilst simultaneously protecting and restoring the historical structure and iconic facade. Because, quite frankly, we need to keep at least some sense of authenticity in Bondi amidst the kale and kombucha.

The project has already gone through several consultations, various designs and has even birthed a Bondi Pavilion Stakeholder Committee to get to its current stage.

It’s seen its fair share of setbacks, including the decision made at a council meeting in February 2018 to formally withdraw the Development Application for the Stage 1 upgrade (which was originally submitted back in March 2017).

Yes, it’s been a long and bumpy road but things are now starting 22 The Beast | February 2019

to move forward. Following community feedback received in September last year, Council has now requested a number of revisions to the latest concept design. After taking into account the 111 survey responses and 568 email submissions received during the consultation period, Council endorsed several changes including the repositioning of the tourist centre to the north of the entrance foyer, relocating the lifeguards’ room on the ground floor to outside the pavilion and increasing the size of the amenities in the theatre green room.

In the latest revisions, Council also requested that all commercial tenancies be indicated as large 'shell space' to allow for small or large tenancies, and that a designated loading/unloading zone be included in the southern courtyard for major events and users of the High Tide Room, music studios, theatre and art gallery.

After months of the inevitable back and forth, community input and several revisions, Waverley Council is confident that the project is making good progress.

“This is a significant step forward in the Bondi Pavilion Restoration and Conservation Project and it is going to be an exciting

year ahead,” Waverley Mayor John Wakefield said.

But don’t expect to see high-vis and hard hats just yet. Before any restoration or construction work can commence, Council must progress the revised concept design to the next stage of the process: detailed design. After this, locals will have another opportunity to provide input across 28 days once Council reaches the Development Application stage. There is no set date for this as of yet, but Council is aiming to have the DA documentation ready by early to mid 2019.

Admittedly, there is a bit of a way to go and there’s still plenty of time for another spanner in the works, but we’re taking a glass half full approach to this whole thing here at The Beast. With a bit of luck (and perhaps a few more months of red tape) the final plans should be in place and we might even see some actual construction before the end of the year.

As always, we’ll do our best to keep you in the loop as things progress. In the meantime, for up-to-date information on all the latest designs and details on how to have your say, please head to the Waverley Council website at www.waverley.nsw.gov.au.

The man himself.

KEEPING THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT ALIVE Words Dan Hutton Picture Lucas Goldman

C

hristmas, as they say, is all about the spirit of giving, and the Eastern Suburbs community certainly embraced that sentiment in late December when they came together to donate gifts to Mal Ward’s Christmas Presents for Sick Kids event.

As many of you would’ve read in our December edition, the Christmas present drive is held in honour of Johnno Ward, who bravely fought childhood liver disease for most of his short life and spent numerous Christmases in a hospital bed.

Here at The Beast, Christmas Presents for Sick Kids is without doubt our favourite charitable event of the year. We threw out the feelers on social media to see if any of our family and friends were keen to donate to this great cause, and within 48 hours our bank account was flush with $3850 to be spent on gifts for children and young teenagers who would 24 The Beast | February 2019

be spending the festive season in Sydney Children’s Hospital, Randwick and Westmead Children’s Hospital.

We put in a quick phone call to the good folk at Laugh and Learn toy shop, a locally owned and run business with stores in Clovelly and Randwick that has been plying its trade for over 15 years, and store owners Anne-Maree Keogh and Tanya Brabrook were more than happy to jump on board, agreeing to give us a 25 per cent discount on all of our purchases, as well as gift wrapping and categorising the selected presents at very short notice. It was an incredible display of Christmas spirit that won’t soon be forgotten.

“We just do it because we love it,” Ms Keogh told The Beast. “It’s such a good thing for our kids to observe, this spirit of giving.

“It’s nice to be able to do something that lightens the load for someone else. We’re fortunate

to live where we live and that our kids have been blessed with good health. We’re very lucky.

“We just want to help out where we can and the Sydney Children’s Hospital in Randwick is very dear to us.”

Never before have so many presents been donated to the cause, with the final count coming in at just over 1300 gifts. Better still, people appear to be spending more money on their gifts each year.

“The quality of the gifts donated has really improved over the years, and this year has been no exception,” event organiser Mal Ward said. “People are really putting the effort in.

“We’ve also been very fortunate to receive the support of Merlin Entertainment’s charity arm, Merlin’s Magic Wand. They donated nearly 500 presents to the cause this year.

“To get a company like that on board is massive. They’re a fantastic organisation and they’re incredibly generous.”

Every year Mr Ward personally delivers the accumulated presents to the two children’s hospitals. Not only is it a chance to see the smiles that they put on the kids’ faces, it’s also an opportunity to catch up with some of the nurses that cared for his son when he was hospitalbound.

“It’s very gratifying for me to go to the hospitals and present them with the presents we’ve been able to accumulate,” Mr Ward said.

“The nurses think it’s wonderful what I do, but I think it’s even more wonderful what they do.

“Half a dozen of those nurses have been there for over 20 years.”

As usual, Mr Ward understated his role in the event and shifted the attention to the generosity and enthusiasm of the local community.

“Without everyone’s generous donations, the time our volunteers put into wrapping gifts and the venue provided by the Coogee Bay Hotel, none of this would be possible.

“Best of all, it keeps the spirit and legacy of Johnno alive, which means the world to me.”

Enquire now, quote "The Beast" and go into the draw to win a case of A.Retief wine!

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BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Dan Hutton Picture Bill Morris Instagram @billmorris WAVERLEY LOCAL HERO AWARDS Do you know someone who works selflessly for the community? Someone who stands out because of their community work, generosity and commitment to others? If you feel like you do know of someone who fits this description, nominate them now for Waverley Council’s Local Hero Awards 2019. Nominations open on February 1 and will remain so until March 3. For more information or to nominate a local hero, visit www.waverley.nsw.gov.au/ localhero.

RANDWICK BOYS’ HIGH SCHOOL OPEN NIGHT Pencil it into your diaries prospective students and their parents have the chance to check out Randwick Boys’ High School on Tuesday, March 5 from 5.30-7.30pm. Attendees can speak to student leaders, staff and the school principal, and hear about the school’s outstanding educational, cultural, sporting and

Golden sands.

civic programs. There’ll also be the opportunity to view the school’s English, Maths, History, Social Science, Visual Arts, Design & Technology and Library facilities.

Experience demonstrations in Science and PDHPE, enjoy musical performances and meet the supportive P&C members. For more information about the school, visit www.randwickb-h.schools.nsw. gov.au.

WOOLLAHRA DIGITAL LITERARY AWARD SUBMISSIONS The 2019 Woollahra Digital Literary Award is seeking submissions from talented writers. Founded

by Woollahra Council to support innovation in Australian digital literature and publishing, the award is open to all Australian residents aged 16 and over who have published work that is ‘digitally born’ – originating online or in electronic form. Writers are encouraged to submit their published works before March 11, when entries close. Winners will

be announced at a presentation ceremony at Woollahra Library in Double Bay on May 30. For more information, visit www.woollahra. nsw.gov.au/library/whats_on/ digital_literary_award or contact Woollahra Libraries on 9391 7994 or dla@woollahra.nsw.gov.au.

RUNNERS SHOP ON THE MOVE Runners Shop Randwick has moved into a bigger and better location at 201 Clovelly Road, Randwick (across the road from Clodeli). This iconic local sports footwear shop has been serving the community since 1978. Margaret Beardslee (nee Ricardo) owned the original Frenchmans Road store with Bob Talay and has returned to the business after a 30-year hiatus. She has a successful Runners Shop in Killarney Vale on the Central Coast and plans to return the store to its former glory by extending the current range of shoes and accessories, employing local staff and supporting the local fitness community.

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February 2019 | The Beast 27

There is an appetite for more co-educational facilities in the area.

COMMUNITY TO DECIDE ON PROPOSED CO-ED SCHOOL CHANGE Words Joel Bevilacqua Picture Ed Youkayshun

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lans to transform Randwick Boys’ High School into a coeducational school are speeding up with community consultation on the project currently underway.

Member for Coogee Bruce Notley-Smith said the consultation was prompted by local Eastern Suburbs residents who expressed their desire for more public co-educational schools in the area.

“The people of Coogee have indicated to me that there is an appetite for more co-educational facilities in the area and that transforming Randwick Boys’ could help provide a solution,” Mr Notley-Smith said.

There is no shortage of singlesex private schools in the Eastern Suburbs. However, the only public co-ed option is Rose Bay Secondary College, which is currently full. Randwick Boys’, on the other hand, has been well below capacity for many years.

There has long been a push to merge Randwick Boys’ and

28 The Beast | February 2019

Randwick Girls’ High School to meet community needs, but this has always been opposed by Randwick Girls’ parents. In this plan, Randwick Girls’ will remain a single-sex school.

Randwick Boys’ Principal Lance Raskall supports the co-ed option, as does the Randwick Boys’ High School Parents and Citizens Association.

Education Minister Rob Stokes said the decision to transform Randwick Boys’ into a co-educational high school will be strongly informed by the community’s preferences.

Members of the local community have until February 15 to have their say via an online survey found on the Department of Education’s homepage.

The survey asks respondents if they would be interested in sending their children to a coeducational Randwick school and whether current or potential students themselves would be interested in attending. It also

asks what the Department needs to take into consideration if the proposal is approved.

Heather from Eastlakes, who has a son at Randwick Boys’, is against the proposal. She told The Beast she is worried girls will be a distraction.

“My son has thrived at the school with it just being a boysonly school and it’s the only public boys’ school in the area,” she said.

“I attended both co-ed and girls-only when I was at school and I found I concentrated more at the same sex school as there were no distractions and concentration was easier.”

Heather said she would consider moving her son if the changes went ahead, but hoped it would not come to that.

The single-sex school versus co-ed school debate is complex and parents trying to decide which school to send their child to often encounter conflicting advice.

“For every study that shows the advantages of single-sex education, there is another one showing the opposite,” read a statement from Randwick Boys’ P&C. “The world we live in is co-ed and secondary schools all over the world reflect this.

“Parents in our catchment area are overwhelmingly looking at a comprehensive, co-ed high school for their children, who have spent seven years of primary schooling in such a learning environment.”

Mr Notley-Smith told The Beast he had consulted experts in an attempt to determine what affects the change might have on current students but admitted multiple conclusions meant this consultation had not been very helpful.

“What's important to me is what the community has to say about it,” Mr Notley-Smith said.

A decision on the school’s future is expected to be made in the first half of 2019. Regardless of whether the proposal goes ahead, both Randwick Boys’ and Randwick Girls’ will be receiving significant infrastructural upgrades, for which scoping has already begun.

34 MORLEY AVE, ROSEBERY 2018. LEVEL 1 OF THE CANNERY 0 2 8 3 3 9 0 5 8 0 | I N F O @ S TA N T O N A N D C O.C O M. AU W E D T O S AT 1 2 P M T I L L AT E A N D S U N D AY 1 0 A M T O 5 P M @ S TA N T O N A N D C O

@ S TA N T O N A N D C O _

The power of positivity.

COOGEE LOCAL A BONA FIDE HERO Words Joel Bevilacqua Picture Jesse Taylor

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ven on the day of the NSW Australian of the Year Awards, a day when she was to be named the 2019 New South Wales Local Hero, Sophie Smith still managed to squeeze in a run.

The long-time Coogee resident told The Beast she went for a very short four-kilometre run between a morning tea at Government House and the awards ceremony in the evening.

“I just ran to Ash’s grave in Waverley Cemetery to take a moment to reflect on the last 12 years and how much I have to be grateful for despite our losses,” Ms Smith said.

That evening, Ms Smith dedicated her award to her three triplets, Henry, Jasper and Evan, whom are the inspiration behind her charity, Running for Premature Babies (RFPB) – a running group

30 The Beast | February 2019

raising money for the Royal Hospital for Women’s (RHW) Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, as well as other NICUs around the country.

In 2006, Ms Smith and her husband Ash tragically lost their triplets to complications stemming from their premature births. In 2016, Ash also passed away after a prolonged battle with brain cancer.

When Ms Smith first started RFPB, less than a year after the loss of her sons, her goal was to raise $20,000; enough money to purchase one new humidicrib for Sydney’s Royal Women’s Hospital, in memory of her boys.

RFPB has since grown to be a registered charitable foundation that has raised over $3 million.

The contribution RFPB has made to the NICU at RHW has transformed it into the most

advanced neonatal unit in the country.

Ms Smith said winning the 2019 NSW Local Hero Award in November made her feel immensely proud of her little triplets and hoped that it would help raise the profile of premature birth.

“12 per cent of babies are born prematurely in Australia each year, which equates to 26,000 babies,” Ms Smith said.

“It’s these babies who have to fight to stay alive, and the incredible neonatologists and neonatal nurses who work tirelessly day and night to save their lives, who are the heroes here, not me.”

Thanks to the new equipment RFPB has funded, babies who are even smaller and sicker than Ms Smith’s boys were can now be saved.

When Ms Smith’s babies were born at 24 weeks, they were given a 50 per cent chance of survival. Babies at the same gestation now have a 70 per cent chance of survival.

So far, approximately 5,000 babies have benefitted from this new equipment and research, and some of the very sickest babies wouldn’t have pulled through without it.

For those looking to get involved with RFPB, their next event is the Sydney Morning Herald Half Marathon, which will be held on May 19.

This is the charity’s biggest event each year and RFPB is offering 15 weeks of free training starting in early February.

RFPB has a number of other events planned for 2019, the most exciting being the Annapurna Marathon in the Nepalese Himalayas.

Ms Smith said that numbers are strictly limited for this event, so you will need to jump on their website, www.runningforprematurebabies.com, as soon as possible for further information. If you are unable to run in these events, the website has information on other ways to donate or fundraise.

Ms Smith’s memoir, ‘Sophie’s Boys’, co-authored by Coogee local Deb Fitzgerald, is also available to purchase on the website and at all good bookstores, with profits donated to RFPB.

RANDWICK BOYS’ HIGH SCHOOL An Exclusive Education in an Inclusive Environment

OPEN NIGHT 2019

Tuesday, March 5th 5:30pm - 7:30pm Come and speak to our student leaders, staff and Principal and hear about our outstanding educational, cultural, sporting and civic programs.

DID YOU KNOW...

• • • • •

Randwick Boys’ High School achieved a top ATAR of 95.75 in 2018 Our school has five state-of-the-art computer labs We offer an enrichment class for our Gifted and Talented students Social, wellbeing and pastoral care programs assist all students Our students compete in a variety of grade sports against other boys schools each week

Randwick Boys’ High School is a successful, inclusive and caring school with a proud tradition of academic, sporting and creative achievement.

For information regarding our Open Night, please visit our website or contact the school.

For further information contact the Principal, Lance Raskall Tel: (02) 9399 3122 Fax: (02) 9399 9546 Cnr Avoca and Rainbow Streets, Randwick www.randwickb-h.schools.nsw.edu.au Email: randwickb-h.school@det.nsw.edu.au

The Sultan of Ostentatia.

EASTERN SUBURBS LOCALS CELEBRATE AUSTRALIA DAY FOR THE LAST TIME Satire Kieran Blake Email @kieranblake13@yahoo.com.au Picture Peter King

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anuary 26, 2019 marks the final Australia Day celebration in the Eastern Suburbs after community organisations successfully lobbied for the region to secede from the Commonwealth of Australia.

The Union Jack and Southern Cross will fly from flagpoles no more when the secession is formally recognised on January 25, 2020.

The move will see the region become known as Ostentatia, with an autonomous government, constitution and separate passport.

The border will naturally begin at Anzac Parade and will be guarded by a giant wall, currently disguised as a light rail project, as previously outlined in this publication.

Motivation for the move was simple.

“We don’t need Australia,” explained a spokesperson for the organisation behind the push.

“We have everything we need right here: beautiful beaches, great eateries and nightlife, wonderful climate. In fact, the only drawback to life in the Eastern Suburbs is the pesky visitors who lower the tone.”

32 The Beast | February 2019

The move will rid the region of commoners who can’t afford the extravagant property prices, nor pronounce the majority of items on local menus. Tourists and their cash are still welcome, though.

Momentum for the breakaway has been growing steadily for some years.

“Whispers in the bread lines, at school drop-off, in café and restaurant queues and among locals snooping in their neighbours’ houses during inspections grew into voiced conversations recently,” explained the spokesperson.

“These discussions demonstrated a genuine disdain for the proletariat, which transformed into a formalised movement. Then, the rejection of both major political parties at the recent by-election provided the necessary fillip to fight for our separation from Australia.”

Details of the organisation and governance of the autonomous region will be released during the next 12 months, but it can be revealed exclusively in The Beast

that parliament will not contain a House of Commons, and that the highest office in the land will be known as the Sultan of Ostentatia.

Candidates for Sultan are many and varied, but according to the spokesperson, one name has been continually put forward.

“We know Malcolm Turnbull has a bit of time on his hands at the moment and we believe he would welcome the idea of heading a republic freed from the shackles of an increasingly anachronistic, inbreeding and shambolic constitutional power.”

Residents were assured that the Swans, Waratahs, Sydney FC and the all-conquering Roosters will still be welcomed into national sporting competitions in Australia. Another issue of great consternation to locals was the loss of a public holiday on January 26, but these concerns were soon allayed.

“We’ll find another excuse to ignore our colonial past, get drunk and trash the land we love so much,” the spokesperson said.

ST VALENTINE’S DAY SPECIAL Remembering St Valentine of Rome, who was imprisoned for marrying soldiers who were not permitted to marry. We are celebrating love this month at Sage with a free Italian soap with every voucher purchased for your loved one.

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LOCAL HERO AWARDS Do you know someone who stands out because of their community work, generosity and commitment to others? Nominate them now for Waverley Council’s Local Hero Awards 2019. Nominations are open until March 3. Please visit www.waverley.nsw.gov.au/localhero.

DIGITAL LITERARY AWARD The 2019 Woollahra Digital Literary Award is seeking submissions from talented writers who have published work that is ‘digitally born’ - originating online or in electronic form. Entries close on March 11. Please call 9391 7994 or email dla@woollahra.nsw.gov.au.

JOIN WAVERLEY BUSHCARE Join like-minded locals and help make a difference to one of Waverley’s special green spaces. You’ll learn about native plants and wildlife and enjoy the benefits of time spent in nature. No experience is necessary. For more information, visit www.waverley.nsw.gov.au.

MALONEYS HOME DELIVERY Too lazy to do your grocery shopping? Maloneys offers a complete home delivery service, so there’s no excuse for living on Domino’s and Deliveroo. Get your order in by 7pm and it’ll be delivered fresh to your door the next day. Please visit www.maloneysgrocer.com.au.

+A (PLUS ALLIES) Artist Guy James Whitworth will set up studio in the Bondi Pavilion today, starting with an empty gallery and filling it over the course of his exhibition with colourful, vibrant portraits of Bondi Beach’s diverse visitors who identify as allies of the LGBTQI communities.

WYLIE’S BATHS BUSHCARE Become a bushcare volunteer and work with Randwick’s bushcare officers on this great bush regeneration program from 9.30-11.30am today. Anyone who is interested should meet at Grant Reserve, Coogee. For more information, please visit randwick.nsw.gov.au.

FUNCTIONS AT THE BEACH Host your next big event at The Bucket List. Whether it’s a birthday party, wedding, engagement, corporate event, exhibition, fashion show or fundraiser, give Sarah a yell on 9365 4122 or email sarah@thebucketlistbondi.com and she’ll sort you out.

VALENTINE’S DAY We are firm believers in the idea that you should show your love for your partner every day, but it’s nice to go the extra mile and make a special day of it today! The Sheaf in Double Bay are putting on an AntiValentine's Day party to celebrate.

Please visit www.thesheaf.com.au.

NSW SENIORS FESTIVAL In Waverley, people can see the Sunshine Singers perform, participate in a singing class, attend a talk by local author Shira Sebban, hear from health professionals about how to stay healthy, and learn how to use smart phones and tablets. The festival runs from February 18-22.

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BACKYARD BEEKEEPING Do you get a buzz out of bees and honey? Learn all you need to know about keeping bees in your own backyard in this informative session at the Randwick Community Centre from 9.30am-1pm today.

For more information, please visit www.randwick.nsw.gov.au.

GOTHIC BOOK CLUB You won’t need to dye your hair black or paint your face white to attend this monthly book club at Lionel Bowen Library in Maroubra. It runs from 6.30-7.30pm tonight and everyone is welcome.

Visit www.randwick.nsw.gov.au for more information.

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WOOLLAHRA POETS’ PICNIC Get along to the annual Poets’ Picnic today from 5–8pm at Blackburn Gardens in Double Bay for a moving celebration of poetry, overlooking Sydney Harbour.

Take a picnic, enjoy the view and listen to some of Australia’s most acclaimed poets. Call 9391 7000.

WOOLLAHRA VIEW CLUB MEETING Woollahra View Club meets at 10am at Woollahra’s Gaden Community Cafe on the fourth Wednesday of every month, with a guest speaker followed by an optional lunch. If you’d like to come along, call Jan on 0422 922 095 or email nettiet@bigpond.com.

DROUGHT RELIEF FOR FARMERS Get down to the Mill Hill Community Centre from 6.30-9.00pm for this fantastic variety show put on by a group of local adults with an intellectual disability. All funds will go towards the Buy a Bale appeal to help drought-stricken farmers.

Visit www.waverley.nsw.gov.au.

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Removalist Zak Clark Clark Removals Ph: 0409 808 866 Gardening Leigh Perrie Hedges n' Edges Ph: 0424 700 139

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

1 2 3 8 10 15 16 17 22 23 24 SIXERS VERSUS THUNDER Catch all the KFC Big Bash League action tonight from 7pm as the Sydney Sixers take on the Sydney Thunder in a local derby under lights at the SCG. The BBL has quickly become one of the biggest events on the summer cricket calendar and it’s not to be missed.

SUNDAY SESSIONS AT THE SHEAF Looking for a great new Sunday session? Sheaf Sundays has got you covered, with an eclectic season line-up of some of the coolest independent talent from across Australia every Sunday from 4pm.

For more information, please visit www.thesheaf.com.au.

THE PIANO MAN Need an excuse to turn off the telly and get out of the house? Get down to the Charing Cross Hotel for a good old retro sing-a-long every Friday and Saturday night from 10pm with the Piano Man. For more information, please visit www.charingcrosshotel.com.au.

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URBAN WINERY BLENDING CLASS Blend your own wine and experience what it’s like to be a winemaker today at Urban Winery.

Learn, taste, blend and judge in this unique workshop within minutes of the beach. It's only $150 per person and you can book at www.urbanwinerysydney.com.au.

WORLD CLASS STAND-UP Enjoy killer comedy with drinks delivered direct to your seat every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night at the Comedy Store Showcase in the Entertainment Quarter. For more information, please phone 9550 3666 or visit www.comedystore.com.au.

FREE YOGA WORKSHOP Respected accredited yoga teacher Katie Manitsas will give a free yoga class and talk at Sukha Muhka Yoga, 38c Macpherson Street, Bronte, today from 6.00-7.30pm.

For bookings and information, visit www.sukhamukhayoga.com/ mindful-living-book-launch.

MARDI GRAS FAIR DAY Love Mardi Gras but hate the crowds? Get along to Fair Day at Victoria Park in Camperdown today. Attracting more than 80,000 people, Fair Day is home to music, cuisine and fun activities with local LGBTQI organisations. Visit www.mardigras.org.au.

FOOD ADDICTS MEETINGS Today, Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) is hosting one of its twice-weekly meetings, which are held every Wednesday at 7pm and Friday at 10am at Salvation Army Hall, 100 Boyce Road, Maroubra. For more information, please visit www.foodaddicts.org.

BONDI FARMERS MARKETS Choose from a huge range of fresh seasonal fruits and vegetables, organic meat and poultry, fresh flowers, breads, jams, cheeses, seafood, herbs, spices and so much more at Bondi Beach Public School every Saturday from 9am. Please visit www.bondimarkets.com.au.

BONDI BLUE WATER CHALLENGE The Bondi Blue Water Challenge takes place today. It is made up of three swim distances: 2.1 kilometres, 1 kilometre and the Nipper Challenge teams event for children aged 9-12. There’s also a 4-kilometre beach fun run. Please visit www.bondibluewater.com.

SYDNEY SEVENS The HSBC Sydney 7s has become an iconic Sydney summer experience. Running for the first three days of February, expect a fastpaced, anxiety-filled, fancy dress rugby extravaganza. For tickets and information, please check out www.sydney7s.com.au.

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Plumbing Steve Kova Blocked Drain Co. Ph: 0414 885 675 Fencing Troy Salvatico Jim’s Fencing Ph: 0405 543 530 Builder Mark Potocki Against The Grain Ph: 0415 688 562 Rubbish Removal Alfy Issa Alfy's Truck Ph: 0411 216 103 Mechanic Jordan Hayman JH Automotive Ph: 0424 144 987 Painter Brett Dooley Nielson Dooley Ph: 0404 888 089 BBQ Caterer Wardy Wardy & Sons Ph: 0414 293 396 Concreter Jay Rodney Oceanside Ph: 0411 989 565 Plumber Luke Fletcher Pipe Up Plumbing Ph: 0431 638 558 Locksmith Bradley Rope SOS Locksmiths Ph: 0498 767 767 Electrician Adrian Langen Langen Electrical Ph: 0400 006 008 Arborist Jeff Hunt Prompt Trees Ph: 0412 280 338

by visiting www.thebeast.com.au/events-guide

Anything Else is Gravy

OSHER GÜNSBERG Interview James Hutton Pictures Jeremy Greive Instagram @jeremygreive

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is name and his hairstyles may have changed through the years, but Osher Günsberg’s presence on our television screens has hardly wavered for nearly two decades, thanks largely to blockbuster television shows Australian Idol and The Bachelor (and its many spin-offs). Despite his television success, life hasn’t all been karaoke and roses for the man formerly know as Andrew G, as The Beast found out during the month…

How are you this afternoon, Osher? I'm really great. I feel that I've finally made it as someone who's lived in the Eastern Suburbs. I started living here in 2000, just after I came to Sydney, so to be on the cover of The Beast is an extraordinary honour. It feels like I've finally been called up and I'm up here on the podium now, and it feels good.

We've been trying to get you for years but they kept saying you were a tier one talent or something… What? I am a D-grade celebrity at best. I don't have any illusions about my role in the world.

Where are you originally from?

Lots of different places, but I was born in London. Both my parents were refugees at one point. They met in London, but Mum is from Lithuania, Dad's from Czechoslovakia. My big brother showed up and I showed up and then we came to Australia in the mid '70s. We lived in Adelaide for the first five years and then Brisbane until the late '90s, when I went back to Adelaide for a radio job. It was a massive break in my radio career but about four weeks after I got there I was like, "I have to get out of here."

I sent a video tape to Channel V, the music channel on Foxtel, got the gig, and on April 12, 1999 I started on TV in Sydney.

And these days you're in Bronte?

Yeah. I love it. It's great.

How long have you been there for now? I've been living in Bronte since I moved back to Australia from the States in 2013. We lived in Bronte and then we moved to Bondi, and now we're back in Bronte.

“We all think we might be a bit something, but nothing's going to humble you more than the ocean.”

What are your favourite things about living in Bronte and the Eastern Suburbs in general? Well, in my late 20s I lived on Notts Avenue in Bondi, and what I think was quite significant about the first two years I lived in that apartment was that I never turned my television on. I just looked out the window and watched the tide come in and the tide go out. I watched the rips form. I watched backpackers getting rescued. I watched people surfing and fire twirling at night. Bondi was like my big screen. I moved there in 2002 and I left in 2009, so that's seven years I lived there.

What I liked about living there was that you can get up in the morning and be in the ocean and have that moment of, I guess, humility. We all think we might be a bit something, but nothing's going to humble you more than the ocean. You can get out there in the morning and there can be dolphins, there can be sting rays, there are sometimes hundreds of people all out there at the same time, all doing the same thing, which is great. And then you can be in a meeting and be like, "Man, I was swimming with dolphins this morning and here I am listening to this. That's all right, I'll swim

with dolphins again tomorrow morning." It's pretty good. You watch whales go by. It's pretty extraordinary.

I'm very aware that not all of Sydney looks like the part of the world where I live - very, very much aware of that. But I think that's what I enjoy. It comes with a cost, though. If you want to buy a smoothie you're not going to get much change out of a 20, and you just weep when you hear about how much auction prices are if you ever think of not renting. But that's the price you pay for living where you live. I particularly like Bronte because Old South Head Road and Syd Einfeld Drive can go take a running jump, because once you've discovered the key of Darley Road and Macpherson Street, you do that little shimmy down York Road and it’s like, “What peak hour?” You're in, you're out. It's the best.

Except at school drop-off time…

Well, that's the thing. If you have a meeting at the wrong time of day you're toast.

What shits you about the area, other than the traffic? Nothing really shits me about the area. We get to live in this extraordinary part of the world. It's an amazing privilege to live where we live. I think if you take out the SFS precinct and Centennial Park it's the highest density electorate in the country. A lot of people live here, and it's extraordinary the amount of nationalities and cultures and the vibe going on. There's always something happening. I think it's really wonderful. What shits me?

I don't know. Not much. It's all pretty great. It's what you'd expect from a highly desirable part of the world. I've been fortunate enough to live in another country for a long time, and then you come back February 2019 | The Beast 37

and you go, "Holy Moly. We get to live here?" This is some people's dream holiday destination and I get to call it my front yard.

When you’re talking about living overseas are you referring to LA? Yeah. I lived in America for a long time.

LA is a shithole compared to Sydney, though… Parts of Los Angeles most definitely are. Parts of Sydney are the same.

True… I've found as I’ve moved around the world that there are parts of every city that make the city the city it is. For New York it would be the stuff around Central Park and Manhattan, but when you get out to Long Island or New Jersey it's just suburbs like anywhere else in the world - a shopping centre, kilometres of houses, a high school, a church, parks, a kilometre of houses, a shopping centre, another kilometre of houses. It just keeps going. I've seen it in France, and it’s the same in any kind of westernised country.

You see it everywhere. But then Sydney has this thing around the harbour and around the beaches.

It's just different.

“All the things that you eat meat for, those animals had to eat something to get it into their bodies, so you just eat what they eat and you're fine.”

Do you have any favourite local haunts around the Eastern Suburbs that you frequent that you would like to mention? I am very grateful that I'm walking distance from Huxton’s, which is on the corner of St Thomas Street and Macpherson Street in Bronte. Or Street Thomas Street, as I like to call it.

I'm hard to feed in that I'm coeliac, and I'm also vegan, so I've got to be really careful about what I eat because I can get sick. Huxton’s has a vegan bowl that changes every time I eat it. If I have a meet38 The Beast | February 2019

ing on this side of town I'll ask people to meet me there. That's my second office.

Back in October 2016, following criticism for attending Derby Day during the Melbourne Spring Racing Carnival, you stated that, "I say that I'm vegan because it's the quickest way to get the explanation across, but the truth is I've never really called myself vegan."

That's true.

So if you're not vegan, what are you, and how long have you been pursuing this lifestyle? I like to say I'm plant-based because the term ‘vegan’ comes with the expectation that you'll also be quite politically active, which is fine. I've eaten this way since 2002. It was a very slow transition. I started in about '96, not eating chicken. And then I kind of toyed with it. By '98 I'd stopped eating red meat, by '99 I'd stopped eating fish, by 2002 I stopped eating eggs and that was it.

How do you get all your essential minerals? Do you take supplements? I eat food. Where do animals get their essential minerals?

You just eat and it's fine. All the things that you eat meat for, those animals had to eat something to get it into their bodies, so you just eat what they eat and you're fine.

When you first started on radio your nickname was ‘Spidey’, right? Yeah.

What's the story behind that?

Well, it was the '90s and it was FM radio in Brisbane. I think it was a hangover from CB radio culture, because FM radio only came alive as a technology in the '70s. That was the first time its broadcasting was available. It was like when HD suddenly showed up or when digital television showed up. When FM radio showed up in the '70s it was like, "Oh wow! This sounds good." At the time CB culture, citizens band radio culture, was really big and everyone had call signs – like rubber ducky, breaker breaker, all that shit. So it was a hangover from that, 15 years or 16 years after FM radio had shown up.

I had hair down to my waistline.

I was playing a five-string, some-

times a four-string fretless bass in a funk metal band, because if it wasn't in seven then we weren't playing it. We were very much like halfway between Primus and Sound Garden. We had shorts down to our ankles and I had a hair braid on one side and had a spider woven into it. And the head promo guy when I was driving the Black Thunder trucks around, the trucks where we gave away ice-cold cans of Coke, he was like, "Yeah. All right. Your nickname is Spidey." And that was it. It stuck like shit to a blanket.

You adopted the stage name of Andrew G while you were doing the afternoon shift at SAFM after your program director said, "Günsberg?

Adelaide? Nah, we’ll go with Andrew G." He inhaled very sharply through his teeth like, "Günsberg (inhales through teeth)? Nah, we'll go with G." Do you think he'd say the same thing in 2019 in Sydney? No, not at all. Look, it was 1998 in Adelaide, mate. It was 21 years ago. That's fine. It was okay. I was 24 years old and I had this massive break doing a day shift in radio. When you think how rare is it to get a day gig in a major metropolitan city on an FM radio show, on a number one station, I wasn’t complaining. I'd been working for five years in radio when I got that gig. My former shift was midnight to 6am or 1am to 6am. I did that six days a week.

So it was like, "I don't give a shit what you want to call me. I'm going to bed at normal people time.

This is fine with me."

When you were doing the graveyard shift would you go out partying before going in to work?

No, no. I couldn't do it. Maybe it's because I'm the kid of immigrants.

You often see it. Hard f**king work is just all we knew and my brothers are the same. I'm the second out of four boys. Every one of us just f**king worked f**king hard.

I'm sure you've spoken about this many times in the past, but what brought on the name change from Andrew to Osher and what does it mean? Osher is the Hebrew word

The latest from Randwick City Council about living in this great city

What’s On

Randwick News Happy New Year, everyone! It was great to see our community come together over the festive season. I’m sure, like me, you get a great sense of pride and feeling of belonging when sitting amongst the crowds at the Coogee Carols or the New Year’s Eve fireworks. In 2019, let’s continue this sense of community. Keep in touch with loved ones, give your neighbour a hand and welcome new friends. You never know the difference you can make.

12 FEBRUARY WYLIE’S BATHS BUSHCARE 9.30am–11.30am Grant Reserve

13 FEBRUARY THE AUTHOR TALKS: AN EVENING WITH DEBBIE MALONE

6:30pm–7:30pm Margaret Martin Library, Randwick

16 FEBRUARY PERMACULTURE – AN INTRODUCTION

1pm–5pm Randwick Community Centre

This summer has already been a sad one for some families. On New Year’s Day there was a tragic drowning at Clovelly Beach. This past December in NSW there was a 40% increase in drownings when compared with December 2017. Locally, our Lifeguards have performed 99 rescues, administered 1621 first aid treatments and took 3063 preventative actions to keep swimmers safe.

When you’re at the beach, always swim between the red and yellow flags and please listen to instructions from the Lifeguards and surf lifesavers, remembering they are there to ensure your safety. Obey the yellow safety signs and check the Lifeguard information board so you’re aware of any issues, such as currents, rips, swell, jellyfish or other concerns.

16 FEBRUARY BIKE MAINTENANCE BEGINNER WORKSHOP

Always try to swim with a friend and if you need help, stay calm and raise your arm. If you see someone in trouble alert a Lifeguard. Stay safe as you enjoy our beautiful coastline.

9.30am–1pm Randwick Community Centre

1.30pm–4.30pm Randwick Community Centre

20 FEBRUARY BACKYARD BEEKEEPING

21 FEBRUARY GOTHIC BOOK CLUB

6.30pm–7.30pm Lionel Bowen Library, Maroubra

Councillor Kathy Neilson Mayor of Randwick 1300 722 542 randwick.nsw.gov.au

for happiness. I used to spend a lot of time in Israel. My ex is from there. I met this Kabbalist mystic who sat me down and he basically asked for my name and my birthday and Mum's name and the location that I was born. He knew about a hundred words in English, tops. It was in Tel Aviv.

Both of my parents are doctors and I'm a pretty cynical guy, but I was like, "Yeah. All right. Let's give it a shot." And he pulled down all these charts, these big books of orbits and planetary positions and all this kind of stuff. I'm like, "Okay, here we go."

He's got these seven big books.

They were like phone books - kids, if you've never seen a phone book, people used to have phones that actually plugged into a wall.

Anyway, so he’s got these massive big tomes, and he had all these pages open all over the place and he started to explain them to me.

He goes, "Okay, so when you were one this kind of stuff happened to you and you were this kind of kid. When you were two this kind of stuff happened to you and you were this kind of kid." And he started to describe my life, and not just like in astrology star signs in the newspaper, which are so obtuse you can make them fit to your day.

He was so specific about my life up to that point. I was 31 when I saw him. I was like, "Okay, you have my attention. All right. What next?"

He goes, "Well, would you accept that given what I've just told you, if I kept going I'd be able to tell you what's going to happen."

I said, "All right, yeah, I can run with that." And then he just proceeded to explain the path that I was on and where it was going to end up. I said, "Oh, that doesn't sound very good.” He goes, “If you change your energy, change your name, and change the energy around your pathway, you will change your life.” I was like, “Yeah, it can't hurt."

So I did, and I never really told anyone. It was kind of like what I had in my heart. That was what I was. But cut to a few years later, about six or seven years later on my 38th birthday, I was divorced, I had this big f**king divorce beard, 40 The Beast | February 2019

I was living in the spare room at a friend's house and everything had gone to shit. I'd also recently gotten sober and I felt like, "This is right. This is the time. I'm going to flip the switch. Let's go." People had been calling me Osher in private, I'd been signing off my emails with Osher for a couple of years at that point, but publicly I was still Andrew at the time.

So anyway, I went skiing. I was in Colorado and I went up the mountain. I rented skis that day and I hadn't skied since 1993.

I’d been snowboarding for the previous 15 years until then. I went up the mountain a snowboarder called Andrew and I came down the mountain a skier called Osher.

And that was it. And you know what? The Kabbalist was right. He was right because my life is f**king incredible now. My life changed completely and everything's amazing.

“I struggled with anxiety quite seriously when I was a kid - ruminating, painful, physically hurting anxiety when I was really young - but when I was on stage all that went away.”

How often do people mispronounce your surname? Oh, all the time. It doesn't bother me.

Because the ‘ü’ is pronounced as an ‘I’, isn’t it? Yeah, there's an umlaut. The umlaut makes an ‘I’ sound. So it’s Günsberg, like the poet.

Is it true that you wanted to be a star from a really young age? I wouldn't say ‘star’. I just knew that I wanted to be on stage. It comes from a place of anxiety. I struggled with anxiety quite seriously when I was a kid - ruminating, painful, physically hurting anxiety when I was really young - but when I was on stage all that went away, because for me my anxiety was due to a lack of control over what's going to happen. I'm in control when I'm on stage. I know exactly

what's going to happen. I know what I'm going to say next. I know what happens next. Everything was just quiet when I was on stage, and so I just chased that. I chased that feeling.

But surely you’re not exactly in control when you’re on live television? You absolutely are in control when you're on live TV. Shit can go wrong, but you're still the one there, the cameras are still on and there's eight minutes till the next ad break and you've got to make something happen. So yeah, something strange happens when I'm on stage or on camera. All that anxiety and fear and everything just goes away. And so I chased that down, that feeling of peace and quiet.

You became a household name as the co-host of Australian Idol back in the day. How did that role come about and how much did it change your life? Oh, it was incredible mate.

Were you and your co-host, James Mathison, still working at Channel V at the time? We were at V. We did V and Idol at the same time.

When a network buys a TV format it's like when you buy a burger franchise or a chicken franchise.

The guys that started it say, "Here's the recipe, here's the marketing, here's the logos, here's the supply chain, here's how you run it. Go." And then it's up to you to make it happen. It’s a proven business model. It works.

It’s the same with television.

When you're making a show that's successful in your country and you can show that it grows over time and it builds an audience, you can sell that format, that franchise, to another country.

So the original Pop Idol in the UK was hosted by two people.

The first series of American Idol was then hosted by two people. If you watched the opening piece to camera from the first series of Pop Idol, which features two superstar British presenters, Ant and Dec, the Americans copied that word for word. Ryan Seacrest and Brian Dunkleman did it verbatim but in American accents.

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February 2019 | The Beast 41

So then when it came time to cast the Australian version they were like, "Well, it's two hosts. We need two hosts." At the time, Jimmy and I were on Channel V doing live television every afternoon. We were playing music videos for three hours every day. For most people, they don't get a chance to host live TV, but here's these two kids - he was 24 and I was 28 - and we just had hundreds and hundreds of hours of live TV experience. So they went, "Okay. You guys. Come on down." Because we came from Channel V we lent extra kind of oomph, I would like to think, to the show.

“We could be incredible as a nation if we wanted to, but we seem to have been stuck in policies that ignore what science has proven to be true.”

You were so young to be hosting such a massive show... Mate, it was bananas, right? And my boss told me the other day, because I like to talk about this when I do the live stage show about my book (Back, After The Break – available in all good book stores), 78 per cent of Australians watched that first grand finale. It was crazy. People would speed up next to me on the freeway holding their ancient brick size 3G camera phones out of their car windows trying to take photos of me. People would run up to me in the street and scream my name in my face. Australian Idol had been on air for like a week. I was like, "F**k, is this what it's going to be like?"

It's pretty weird that people would feel so familiar with you that they can just come up and grab you and hold you and push you around and physically touch you. It's odd. It's an odd thing to happen. So yeah, it changed my life completely. It was incredible.

And then when I look now at The Bachelor, we're about to do the seventh season. That's two massive hits that I've got to be part of it. I can't think of anyone that's had a TV career like that.

42 The Beast | February 2019

The Bachelor didn't go quite as nuts from the start, though, did it?

Well, the market was very different.

If you think about the first season of Idol, if you were lucky - or if you were loaded - you had ADSL Internet. And even then it was maybe two megabits a second. So there was nothing else to do. There was no Netflix. There was nothing. The first season of Idol we were competing against four other things on TV and maybe the Blockbuster video store. When season one of The Bachelor showed up we were competing with a handheld, personally-curated dopamine and serotonin squirting machine in the palm of your hand that has everything you've ever wanted to watch, listen to, see, hear, and all of your friends on it. So TV is harder now.

That's why it's different. But some people don't get seven episodes of a show before it's axed, and we're about to do our seventh Bachelor season, our fifth Bachelorette and a third Bachelor in Paradise, which is incredible. I can't believe it.

And it's not really showing any signs of waning, is it? From your lips to God's ears, man. Even though I don't believe in an interventionist God, let's just say that she's there.

James Mathison ran against Tony Abbott for the seat of Warringah in the last federal election. If you lived in that electorate who would you have voted for? Well, I handed out flyers for Jimmy. What's wild is that I think Tony won with about 55,000 votes, but I think he spent hundreds of thousands of dollars in getting them. I think Jimmy’s team spent about five grand on his campaign and he got 11,000 votes.

James is the smartest man I've ever met. He reads a book a week.

He's so eloquent. If you want some fun, search on YouTube for when Andrew Bolt tried to have a go at James and James just took him apart like a Lego model, piece by piece. Bolt was trying all his old tricks and James was like, "No, Andrew, that's not what's happening." He was so good.

You're obviously interested in politics… Very. I'm a human being.

I pay taxes and I vote. So yes.

Do you have any aspirations to run for office in the future? Honestly, I don't know. Unless the system changes, I don't think so.

What issues are you most passionate about? Well, quite clearly, whether you are a more conservative person or you are a more open-minded person, we all need somewhere to live and we're not going to have anywhere to live if we keep burning coal and we keep burning carbon. The science is f**king factual. We've just got to accept it and figure it out, and fast, otherwise the only people who are going to make money out of this are sea wall builders and desalination plants.

The people that you see in politics have been in it since they were at high school. They know each other and they've known each other for 50 years. How could anyone as an outsider make any change in that system? It's just so, so ingrained.

I think the only changes can come from the outside. You look at a company like IKEA, for example.

They are committing to fully circular manufacturing by 2030. They're not waiting for anybody to mandate it into law. They're just like, "We'll have no virgin raw material for any of our products in 2030." They have one billion customers around the world and they make four billion things a year. So when a company of that magnitude makes a baller move like that, if you want to compete with them as a furniture supplier or whatever you're going to have to do the same thing.

I think outside of politics is where we can make the biggest move. For example, I drive an electric car. It's a little Nissan Leaf, an older model. The new one, you can take the power back out of it. It's got a 40-kilowatt hour battery in it. So you can take power off your roof, put it in your car and drive around all day. The average Australian only drives 38 kilometres a day so you’ve got a lot left over. The average household, four people, uses 9-kilowatt hours of energy, so you can drive all day then power your house for free for about half a week on this stuff. This is how we need to be thinking as a country.

Mayor’s Message Switch to LED efficient lighting This year, we are implementing several projects aimed at reducing our greenhouse emissions.

One such projects is that we have again partnered with Ausgrid to upgrade 506 of our street lights to LED efficient lights between February and May. This is on top of the 760 street lights that were updated last year.

Beat the heat this summer.

The new environmentally-friendly lights will save over 137 tonnes of CO2 per year. This will bring the total amount of CO2 saved through this program to 337 tonnes per year – the equivalent to taking 113 cars off the road annually.

Events

Beat the heat

In honour of Sydney’s Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras, Guy James Whitworth will set up studio in Bondi Pavilion, uniquely starting with an empty gallery and filling it over the 2 weeks of his exhibition with colourful, vibrant portraits of Bondi Beach’s diverse visitors who identify as allies of the LGBTQI communities.

I encourage residents and visitors to follow some simple health tips to beat the heat this summer.

Hot weather and heatwaves cause illness, hospitalisations and sometimes death.

Always remember to drink plenty of water, stay cool, take care of others and have a plan. And don’t forget to leave water out for our native fauna, and your pets.

For more information, visit health.nsw.gov.au/environment/ beattheheat.

John Wakefield, Mayor of Waverley

+A (plus Allies) – Guy James Whitworth 11–24 February, 10am–5pm Bondi Pavilion Gallery

Well known for his annual exhibitions, +A (plus Allies) features fabulous portraits of the LGBTQI community. This year Whitworth focused on the often forgotten end of that acronym ‘+A’.

NSW Seniors Festival 13–24 February Various times and locations ‘Love your Life’, celebrate your life, live active and stay connected.

Our program for Seniors Festival has both free and paid activities for people over the age of 50.

You can see the Sunshine Singers perform and participate in a singing class, attend a talk by local author Shira Sebban with her book Unlocking the Past, hear from health professionals about how to stay healthy and live well, and learn how to use smart phones and tablets.

Find out more at waverley. nsw.gov.au/seniorsfestival.

For more information, visit waverley.nsw.gov.au/ events.

Ph: 9083 8000 | waverley.nsw.gov.au | Stay in touch: waverley.nsw.gov.au/subscribe Waverley Customer Service Centre: 55 Spring Street, Bondi Junction.

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The other thing to answer your question, as Australians there is so much blue sky ahead of us. It feels in many ways that we've kind of stopped climbing up the hill.

It's like, "No, no, no. We're here.

Stop. Don't change anything."

We can go so much further as a country. Look, we're peaceful, we've got space, we've got land, we've got water, we've got air, we've got so much sun and so much free energy if we want it. We could be incredible as a nation if we wanted to, but we seem to have been stuck in policies that ignore what science has proven to be true.

You've mentioned a couple times that you hit the booze pretty hard back in the day... Yes. How hard were you hitting it? Very.

Are we talking a bottle of vodka a day? No, no. Beer was my thing.

In March I'll be nine years sober.

Not a single drink for nine years?

Nope. The best way to explain it is that we all know people who have a peanut allergy, right? So you can't feed that person a peanut, because if we give them a peanut their body will have a reaction that is very, very bad and it might end with them dying. No peanuts.

If I have alcohol something changes in my body. I have a similar allergic reaction. I am no longer able to make a correct decision about how much more I can drink. I start to disassociate with morals and values that I hold very dear. I kind of become another person, and I start doing and saying things that I'm horrified by. I cannot make a clever decision about how much to drink and I just need a sip for that change to happen. It's easy to not have that change happen. I just don't drink.

That's it. And life is amazing.

So one sip is all it takes? That's it. Alcohol wasn't my problem.

Alcohol was my solution. I'm not the first Australian man to use alcohol to manage anxiety, but the amount that I needed to drink to feel anywhere close to normal just became completely unmanageable. It was gradual, but the last six months was a very slippery slope.

44 The Beast | February 2019

How often were you getting on the beers? Every day. And it was getting earlier and earlier in the day. I didn't want to accept it, but I could see it was getting earlier and earlier in the day. And I could quite clearly see how it was going to end up. It was like, "If I don't stop I know exactly where I'm going to go." Then one day I realised I just couldn't do it again. Every night was ending up the same.

Something would be broken, someone who would be upset and I couldn't remember the thing that happened, and it was just happening all the time. The same thing was happening every single f**king time I picked up a drink.

I had met a guy a few months before that, before I needed to stop, who was the life of the party. He was an incredible guy.

He looked like a real life Tom of Finland, who is this super sexualised gay icon character with a big moustache, big muscles, arm tatts, leather pants. He was a photographer and he was just the life of the party. And he was sober.

I'd never seen sobriety look like that. I thought sobriety was sad people in folding chairs, sitting in churches, drinking bad coffee. I called him up and I said, "Mate, I need help. Can you help me? You got sober; how did you do it?" He goes, "Well, come to this meeting."

So I went to this meeting; it was a fellowship of men and women who work together to maintain sobriety. I just shut my mouth and listened to what they told me and did what they said and, what do you know, things got better.

“I don't want to lose everything I've got, so I won't have a beer. It's really that easy.”

You obviously had some good willpower as well? No. It's got nothing to do with willpower. You start building a life in sobriety that you are not willing to sacrifice.

So every now and again, on a hot summer's day with my friends, I play poker with them and I think, "A cold beer would be great." Then I just think about it. What's going

to happen if I have one? Everything that I've got will vanish. I don't want to lose everything I've got, so I won't have a beer. It's really that easy.

When you were boozing were you also using drugs? Let's just say that I lived a life of incredible privilege, of laminated backstage passes, all kinds of things. There were drugs around. At first you go, "Maybe not." Then everything is a good idea after half a bottle of vodka. So before you know it, you're like, "F**k it. Why not?" So one thing led to another and that was a part of my life.

I've never had a line of cocaine or a pill. Am I missing out on something? Don't. Don't do it. It's not a good thing. It's ultimately a very hollow experience.

Why? Because there's always the chance you’ll get a bad pill? I have had a bad one. I wrote about it in my book. I'd tried ecstasy a few times before but I'd always been drinking, always been quite pissed when I’d taken it, and so I didn't notice what was going on. There was this one particular party that I went to and someone on the dance floor held this thing out. I was just like, "Yeah. Why not? I'm here."

Nothing was the same after that.

Things about my anxiety and my obsessionality were already pretty bad and getting worse, but I think I just basically pushed the gas pedal down and really accelerated what was already declining quite rapidly.

After that pill something popped in my head; a switch got flipped and it didn't switch back after that. So while it felt pretty great at the time, was it worth it?

Nope. No f**king way.

There's a lot of talk at the moment about pill testing, and unfortunately the generation of people who are in charge of allowing or disallowing pill testing are relating what they know about drug taking to their own years.

I don't reckon Gladys Berejiklian would have ever been off her head on eckies… Right? I don't know if these people in power really quite

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understand the colossal amount of recreational drug use that happens in their society. There are good people who are just out for a fun time and like anybody they might be taking risks. There’s a personality type that is going to take a risk.

They know that something very bad could happen to them, but they're out, they're full of excitement, they'll take a risk.

We need to protect these people. We as a society have decided that even though it's not for everybody, high fences on bridges are a good idea to protect people who are at risk. I don't see pill testing as any different. This is harm minimisation and it may not align with how you feel about whether people should or shouldn't do illegal things, but the science is in and pill testing works. Pill testing saves lives. And that's it. You don't have to look very far. Plenty of studies overseas have shown it works.

What pill testing does is it allows an intervention to occur, because you've got someone who is of a mind to go, "I want to do this thing with my friends but I kind of want to be safe," and at that point you have a moment when you can have a chat with that person. A drug and alcohol counsellor will be there to have a chat with them and have an opportunity to intervene, or at least inform them about what's going on.

While people are debating whether this should or shouldn't happen, young Australians are dying. When you look at the research, when you look at the science, when you look at the evidence, I can't understand the argument against pill testing.

Can you tell us a bit about your mental health battles? I was living with a passive and active suicidal ideation for quite a while. I was experiencing episodes of borderline psychosis appearing as paranoid delusions.

Is this when you were drinking?

No. I was straight sober. And I'm lucky. I'm a lot better now, but I had to be on a lot of drugs for a long time. And at one point I was on two different kinds of antipsychotics. Antipsychotics are 46 The Beast | February 2019

great because they work, but I was putting on about a kilo a week.

Is that a common side-effect?

Yeah. And your testosterone just goes out the window. You're not dealing with these really horrible troubling thoughts all day long, which is nice, and you can work and you can have relationships with people and you can go through your day not feeling horror every second. But at one point I was down to track pants. I was still living in America on and off at that point. It was before the third season of The Bachelor and I said to my doctor, "I've got to be back on camera in about eight weeks and I don't think I'm going to make it. I can't be on TV like this."

So you’d put on a shitload of weight? Yeah. I got up to about 93 or 94 kilograms What are you weighing now? I don't know, probably 77 or 78 kilos. But at the time I could ride my bicycle 250 kilometres in a week and it wouldn't change a thing because the medication changes the way the body metabolises food.

It changes your insulin response. I was eating vegan. I was clean, man.

So how did you get the weight off? I was under very strict doctor supervision. And I was very grateful that I had a psychiatrist who was willing to challenge his initial hypothesis and shift me from one drug regimen to another. I was taking four different kinds of drugs every day. Once I shifted onto the other drug I started to get a lot better, but still weight gain was an issue; less, but it was still there.

When we see someone who's carrying a few extra kilos we can be very quick to judge, but we don't really know what's going on in anybody else’s life. They might be on medication that allows them to live a normal life and have a relationship and be with their family and be great parents.

You were ‘fat shamed’ in the gossip mags at the time of your weight gain and regularly stalked by photographers; are paparazzos the lowest pieces of shit on this

planet or do they add some kind of value? I'm very careful about what I do, what I put my time and energy into for money. I'm very careful about the energy I put out into the world because I'm a firm believer that the energy I put into the world will be reflected back at me. I'm not brave enough to do their job. I'm not brave enough to go through life collecting that kind of karma.

That's such a nice way of saying that someone is a piece of shit. The success rate of Bachelor and Bachelorette couples is pretty low, but you managed to find love behind the scenes… I don't know where you got that figure from. We're f**king good. We're 50/50.

Really? I think we're even more than that.

Across the US as well? No. We're just talking about us, mate. We're not America. We're doing really well. And we've got one baby and another one on the way. We've got two weddings as well.

“I did five years of being pretty shit on radio before I was on camera on Channel V. And then I did three years of being equally shitty on that before I got on Australian Idol, so I had done eight years of just being crap every day until I got on Idol. Be prepared to suck for a long time, but do it every day.”

How many Bachelor in Paradise couples are still together? I can't tell you; you’ll have to watch it.

What is the secret to true love and making it last, from your own experience? From my own experience, the wisest words about this were taught to me by my former agent in LA. His name's Adam Sher. He's an incredible guy. He

Authorised by Paul Pearce 2/55 Murray Street, Bronte NSW 2024.

Marjorie O’Neill & Labor will: Take real action on climate change to protect the environment and preserve our beaches;

Deliver more nurses and improved care across New South Wales with better nurse to patient ratios;

Put local schools and the Prince of Wales Hospital before the Liberals’ $2.2 billion stadium splurge;

Stop over-development, fix the Light Rail and broken bus services, and save our heritage trees;

Build a new co-ed high school in the Eastern Suburbs;

Put downward pressure on the cost of living by regulating electricity prices and investing in renewables.

MarjorieforCoogee

MarjorieforCoogee

Marjorie.O’Neill@nswlabor.org.au 0457 217 008 www.marjorieoneill.com.au

said to me, "Listen, there's no such thing as ‘the one’. There's only the one who's willing to work on it with you." And there are no truer words than those, because it is work. It's work.

In the same way that you look at someone running down the beach in the morning and she's got this mad six-pack and she's got a great butt and whatever; she doesn’t accidentally have that. She works on it every single day. Same for guys.

You've got to work on it every day.

You’ve got to be careful about what you eat. You've got to be careful about how much sleep you get.

You’ve got to be committed to it.

And it’s the same thing with a relationship. It doesn't just keep itself going. It takes work every single day. And that's it. As long as you find someone who's willing to do the work with you then you are golden.

Can you drop any Bachie exclusives for us from the upcoming series? Nope. Because we still haven’t gone to air. Sorry Bachie fans!

Do you have any advice for young people wanting to make it on radio or in the world of television presenting? I would say that never in the history of broadcasting have you ever been able to be more in control of your own success than you are now. You used to have to wait until the gatekeepers said it was okay for you to access their platforms.

You couldn't publish a book, write it, publish a song, broadcast the music, make a radio show or make a television show unless the people that own the publishing companies, the radio stations, television stations allowed you to. Now you can do all that yourself. So don't wait. Do it. No one's getting hired who hasn't got a solid YouTube following. I'm not talking about your friends on Instagram, I'm talking about a solid YouTube following or a really solid podcast.

No one is stopping you from doing those things. You've got a phone in your hand; you can make both.

And just practise, practise, practise. I did five years of being pretty shit on radio before I was on camera on Channel V. And then I did

three years of being equally shitty on that before I got on Australian Idol, so I had done eight years of just being crap every day until I got on Idol. Be prepared to suck for a long time, but do it every day.

You may have a certain amount of skill that gets you in the door, but after that it's just work and relationships. Just be bloody nice to everyone you work with and be as professional as you possibly can.

It's a tiny industry and everyone you work with is everyone you will always work with. If you're an arsehole to someone, 10 years later they'll see your name on a list and go, "Actually, no man. I worked with him a while ago and he was difficult. Get someone else." That's it. Your gig is gone. So you can't afford to piss anyone off. I guess that works across all industries.

In an ideal world what does the future hold for Osher Günsberg? Mate, any day that I wake up with a roof over my head, food in my fridge and my family safe, healthy and happy is an extraordinary day. Anything else is gravy, man. Anything else is gravy.

Poets’ Picnic 26 February, 5pm–8pm Blackburn Gardens 536 New South Head Road, Double Bay

FREE ENTRY Grab a rug, pack a picnic and celebrate poetry under the stars by Sydney Harbour!

Enjoy a line-up of established & exciting new poets, live music, outdoor games and activities.

Supported by: 48 The Beast | February 2019

More info: 9391 7100 or woollahra.nsw.gov.au/ poetspicnic

What's all the fuss about?

A BITTER PILL TO SWALLOW Words Bruce Notley-Smith, State Member for Coogee Picture Rita Lin

T

he advice of my parents is something I am very grateful for and I will continue to seek it for as long as life gives me that opportunity. I can’t recall any occasion when their advice didn’t put my best interests and wellbeing first and foremost. Back in 1970s and 80s society, some topics remained difficult to discuss, especially for me as a teenager, so upon these topics I never sought their advice.

It was unlikely to be of much assistance anyway. Neither of them have ever smoked cigarettes, Dad only drinks alcohol on special occasions and Mum never at all.

They didn’t really know any gay people or anyone that used illicit recreational drugs, and as one of five boys, they didn’t seem to know much about contraception either.

As the death toll of young people at music festivals mounts up, so too does public discourse on the pros and cons of introducing pill testing at these festivals. Pill testing offers festival goers the opportunity to have the chemical composition of their pills (illicit recreational drugs) rudimentarily examined and the results shared with the owner. Producers of illicit drugs will often cut the psychoactive ingredients of pills with fillers, some of which are highly toxic.

50 The Beast | February 2019

Pill testing can identify if such a substance is present, and alert its owner to the danger of consuming it.

Many people fear that allowing pill testing will be perceived as condoning illicit drug consumption and thus lead to an increase in illicit drug use. There is sufficient evidence available to demonstrate this fear is unfounded.

That said, pill testing is by no means a cure-all. It can identify what psychoactive ingredient a pill contains, but it cannot measure its potency or a person’s susceptibility to react adversely to it.

For those who take drugs at music festivals, the popular choice is MDMA (methylenedioxymethamphetamine), colloquially called ‘ecstasy’. MDMA was developed in 1912, but only declared a prohibited substance in the mid 1980s in response to the rapid increase in its use.

In no way am I suggesting MDMA or any other illicit drug is safe for consumption. Over the years I have seen too many lives ruined to know that any level of illicit drug use is not a good idea.

It is well documented that the long term effects of frequent MDMA use include depression, anxiety, insomnia, memory loss, reduced

libido, increased impulsiveness, aggressive behaviour and the impaired ability to pay attention.

But no matter how often people are advised against using drugs, despite the risk of ill health, death or imprisonment, they still take them.

Criminalising drug use has not and will not stop people using drugs. Using the criminal justice system to address a health issue is counterproductive in so many ways. Not only does it place huge demand on police resources, alienate young people from police and increase police distrust of young people, it also severely inhibits open and candid discussion between users and health practitioners. Any means by which we can increase the exposure of young people to those who can speak with authority on the potential dangers of drug use should be trialled and evaluated.

Unfortunately, many parents, including those who themselves have used drugs, don’t have the street cred in the eyes of their offspring to dish out such advice, and it quickly becomes apparent that the generalised warnings dispensed on the consequences of recreational drug use just don’t cut it with youngsters who are intent on trying drugs or already have.

I have always approached my role in public life with a belief that there is an incalculable number of people who know more about a particular topic than I do, so I seek out experts to help guide my decisions. Real experts, not the self appointed ones, but those who have demonstrated to me that they actually know what they’re talking about. On pill testing I have listened, but I needn’t have, as my own personal experience is enough for me to know we should just get on with it now, before another young life is lost.

Bruce Notley-Smith is the State Member for Coogee. The views expressed here are his own, although we generally agree with them.

ADVERTISEMENT

What are your thoughts on pill testing?

There have been a lot of opinions aired lately about the on-site testing of illegal drugs, especially those consumed recreationally by music festival patrons.

Professor Alison Ritter, from the National Drug and Alcohol Research Centre suggests that negative pill test results would deter a majority of people from consuming drugs and spur them to warn their friends.

Andrew Leibie, from the International Association of Forensic Toxicologists, raised the concern that permitting on-site pill testing sends a contradictory message about the risks of possessing and using controlled substances.

To ďŹ nd out more, visit: myvoice.notleysmith.com.au Reference: The pros and cons of pill testing. www.aph.gov.au.

I want to know what you think about pill testing Scan & voice your opinion it Scan the QR code or vis

m.au myvoice.notleysmith.co

Bruce Notley-Smith MP State Member for Coogee

15/53-55B Frenchmans Road, Randwick NSW 2031 02 9398 1822 office@notleysmith.com.au www.notleysmith.com bnsmp Authorised by Bruce Notley-Smith, 15/53-55B Frenchmans Road, Randwick NSW 2031 using parliamentary entitlements.

Where the hell are ya?

SUMMER IN THE EAST – A TIME FOR FAMILY AND FEAST Words Dr Marjorie O’Neill Picture Brendan McKinnon

T

here is no shame in admitting that we are all pretty lucky to live in the Eastern Suburbs and that this is particularly evident over the summer period when our geographic features become the centre of so much of our recreation and sport. We have a great many lovely beaches, bays and sea pools, as well as beautiful parks to choose from for swimming, walking, running, exercising, barbecuing, meeting with friends and relatives, or just enjoying the coastal sea breezes that keep us a few degrees cooler on the hottest of days than the rest of Sydney. We are very fortunate!

Summer in Australia coincides with major religious celebrations as well as extended holidays for many of us. For our Jewish community, the beginning of summer is celebrated with Chanukah, and eight days of amazing donuts. Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year’s Day combine to give us three public holidays that are often taken as a week’s holiday. School, TAFE and university holidays ensure that summer is a time for family, friends and leisure.

For me, this period is defined by a number of key occasions, with

52 The Beast | February 2019

each event having its own special meaning.

In my family, birthdays mark the beginning of summer, with my mum, brother and myself all having birthdays within a week in early December. This has provided an excuse for our family to have a combined lunch or dinner, which we also refer to as our end of year celebration. We go somewhere special and it signals the beginning of the Christmas period. We have a family rule that the Christmas tree cannot go up until the birthdays are over.

The next big event takes place when the Christmas trees start to fill the shopfronts and families like mine debate whether we should buy the largest or the bushiest tree. Size and shape matter, as does the smell.

My grandmother succumbed to buying a fake tree many years ago but my parents have always insisted on the real thing. My dad’s family apparently had gum tree branches as their Christmas trees when he was young, which sounds lovely but is perhaps not very practical. We had a smallish but well shaped tree this year and it smelt divine. My nieces decorated it perfectly!

For me, the coming of summer this year was also associated with my attendance as a Waverley Councillor at a number of prizegiving and graduation ceremonies.

It is lovely to be part of such happy and proud occasions. It must be said that our teachers do an amazing job and very often contribute their own hours and other resources to enhance the educational experience of our young people.

I was also witness to the fact that many of our schools now depend upon the voluntary efforts of their Parents and Friends Committees to provide what must be seen as the basic requirements of a decent education.

As summer warmed up and Christmas drew closer, the morning traffic jams came to an end as the schools shut down for the break. What bliss! The queue of traffic up Arden Street disappeared and even the traffic congestion around the light rail construction zones improved. Trying to get around UNSW was still crazy, but Anzac Parade was definitely less clogged. Even as Christmas drew closer and the lines of cars made their way to Eastgardens, Randwick and Bondi Junction, most people seemed to feel at least some of that Christmas spirit, making the build-up of traffic more tolerable.

Summertime in the Eastern Suburbs is defined by the swarms of locals and visitors that descend upon the beaches. The locals of Clovelly are easily identified due to their location on the steps of the promenade, as they know from experience that a king high tide could swiftly whisk their belongings away. At Bronte you can find the locals swimming between the flags or in the bogey hole, while the lifeguards franticly explain to tourists that the red and yellow flags identify the safe place to swim and do not mean danger. Wylie’s and McIver’s Baths are where you find the Coogee locals after 10am.

Like many others, I spend quite a bit of my time over the Christmas holidays as a volunteer lifesaver and I can honestly say I love doing it.

Christmas Eve came and went with church services and many angels and shepherds, the late wrapping of gifts and the singing of carols, while the under 30s hit the Clovelly Hotel, then the Robin Hood, catching up with school mates they may not have seen for 12 hours or 12 months.

Finally the big day arrived with gifts, food and lots of fun with family and friends. We do it the traditional way in my family, with all the bells and whistles: turkey, ham and pork, potatoes and pumpkin. As the official trifle cooker, it was my responsibility to bake the cake and make the jelly ready for the trifle assembly. As it is the only time of the year that I bake, the quality of the cake is often debated.

Locally, Christmas Day is defined by many by the carnage of the annual green dye egg hunt at Clovelly, as flocks of children big and small battle it out in the bay, fighting to find an egg and win a pudding. Many then return home to eat far too much Lucas Meats ham, take an afternoon nap, then finish with trifle or pudding.

I’m finding that Boxing Day is slowly becoming the main social event of the holiday season. With less pressure for perfection than Christmas Day, and most of the cooking done the day before, it is usually a combination of family and friends, the Boxing Day Test and a walk to the coast at around 1.30pm to watch the Sydney to Hobart boats pass.

We are so very lucky. This is an absolutely amazing place to live.

And while summer also means the wasps are out in force, I would not trade this for the world. By the way, whose job is it to remove the Christmas tree and decorations, put the furniture back in its place and clear out all the empty bottles?

Let my dad know if you’d like to help!

Dr Marjorie O’Neill is a Waverley Councillor. The views expressed here are her own, although we generally agree with them.

HOW DID YOU SPEND YOUR SUMMER HOLIDAYS? Interviews and Pictures Stiffy McPherson

Madison CLOVELLY My partner Grady and I ventured up the east coast together with our new little baby boy, Leo. It was our first trip visiting the grandparents at the idyllic Seal Rocks (between Newcastle and Port Macquarie), before making our way north to Ballina for a beautiful family Christmas. It was great to get out of the city for a while over the summer holidays but it’s always nice to come back home to Clovelly.

Kent BONDI JUNCTION I got to drive my brand new V8 Commodore home to Queensland to spend Christmas with the family up there in Toowoomba. There’s not a whole lot going on in those parts but it’s nice to escape the rat race and relax for a while. I always make sure I’m back in Sydney for New Year’s though because nothing beats Sydney’s beaches at this time of year - not even the Toowoomba Aquatic & Fitness Centre!

Hannah BRONTE I didn’t really do a whole lot this year. I just worked at the cafe and hung out with my kids really. I kept the cafe (Gordons on Clovelly Road) open over the break, but it was really nice to get a couple of days off to eat prawns, swim in the ocean every day and drink plenty of gin and tonics. I suppose that pretty much sums up my summer holidays this year, and I was very happy just doing all of the above.

February 2019 | The Beast 53

Pugger off.

WHERE THERE'S A WILL...

Words Jeremy Ireland - bondicounsellingservices.com Picture Will Powers

R

aise your hand if you made a New Year’s resolution. Now keep your hand up if you’ve managed to stick with it and keep that resolution going. Okay, is your hand still in the air? If not, don’t feel bad; you’re in good company.

Fact is, fewer than 10 per cent of us who have decided to make a New Year’s resolution have managed to stick to it, most of us giving up after about two weeks. You might be forgiven if you lay blame on a lack of willpower for falling off the perch; after all, if your resolution was to lose weight and get fit, how hard can it be to start getting up at 5am to ride 20 kilometres, hit the gym, then complete the ‘new you’ routine by drinking something green that comes in a jar and eating something raw that doesn’t taste quite right? Easy, yeah?

In an effort to appease my curiosity into why New Year’s resolutions tend to fall by the wayside, I conducted a little experiment with my dog. Yes, that’s right, my dog. Let me explain my logic. My dog loves chewing things; he’s still a puppy and loves nothing more than a juicy Havaiana or anything resembling a sheep. So my research question is: “Does my dog display willpower?” It’s fair to assume

54 The Beast | February 2019

that willpower is at the centre of all resolutions, so stay with me here. My hypothesis? That my dog will not be able to resist chewing my leather shoes. Method? I placed shoes on the floor on the opposite side of the room to my dog, observed the dog’s behaviour and measured with a stopwatch the time taken to find the shoes.

The result? As anticipated, my dog chewed the shoes.

Before I analyse the results of my simple experiment, it’s worth taking a look at what actually constitutes willpower. Willpower is more often than not regarded as good old-fashioned self-control.

Put simply, in a case to stop smoking, for example, it’s the ability to grin and bear the temptation until it passes. The definition is clear and is considered an easy application to most things we aim to change when making a resolution. Moreover, throughout society it’s often thought that those with more selfcontrol are morally better off than those without self-control, leaving us striving to achieve the former.

The roots of such self-restraint run deep and are the basis for many religious teachings.

However, there is often a continuous conflict between what we

desire and our need for self-restraint. Feelings of guilt and shame can often arise from such conflict, and can only serve to restrict what we are trying to achieve in the first place. Some research indicates that there is a limit to how much self-control we can place on ourselves before self-regulation fatigue sets in. This can very much apply to athletes and the like, who self-regulate and focus to such extremes that they crack or ‘choke’ under pressure.

This may not be the case for our middle-aged mum whose resolution was to shed a few post-Christmas kilos, though. What is perhaps more important here is context.

It’s often the case that people who associate themselves with having good self-control in the first place are in fact experiencing fewer temptations to begin with.

Therefore, it’s not so much that it’s willpower that gets the job done, but the ability to focus on things that help you get towards the goal you’re after. If you enjoy the process of whatever it is you want to change, you will have a much better chance of success. In other words, if you know you’ll have a better time walking the dog than flogging yourself soft sand running, take Fido for a stroll. It might take longer to achieve your goal, but if the process is more enjoyable you’re more likely to stick with it.

Speaking of dogs, let’s go back to our canine experiment and see how it relates to us struggling to uphold our resolutions. For him it’s about temptation - if the shoe was there he’d chew it; if it were out of sight he wouldn’t. Sure, he’s a dog, but similar principles can be applied to us humans. You can structure your life in a way to avoid having to make a self-control decision in the first place.

Willpower is not a finite or essential resource and relying on it alone is unlikely to get you across the line. Let’s face it, change is hard and effortful restraint is not the key to a good life. I’m pretty sure that even my puppy knows that. That said, he doesn’t make News Year’s resolutions.

Only another 15 kilometres to go.

ON BEING A MUMMY TAXI Words Con Gestion Picture Miles Long

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ately I’ve been ferrying a five year-old grandchild to preschool, joining the ‘Mummy Taxi’ fleet that clogs our roads and schools in the mornings and afternoons. Like many, I have railed against this practice, which can result in neurotic, overweight, gormless children, fraught mothers and unnecessary traffic congestion. My childhood experience was far more robust, requiring a walk to school of some three kilometres in outer suburban Sydney, with a gang of kids incessantly exploring and acting the goat. We would catch cicadas, peer into drains, float leaves down gutters and occasionally blow up letterboxes with fireworks (they were legal then).

Times change; the world has become a smaller place. I roll with the punches. I do what grandfatherly duties I am asked to do with grace and joy at being useful. I bite my tongue except when it comes to requesting no screen time en route - I want the little darling’s undivided attention.

The first task of being a Mummy Taxi is ensuring the bag with spare clothes, drawing implements, water bottle, lunch and snacks is in the car. Then there is the rocket ship booster chair

and seat belt to strap him into.

Fortunately he is a happy traveller, confident with the destination.

This process is a little nervy for me as it’s the acid test on his happiness at kindy. I don’t want a fight.

It took me no time at all to start loving being a Mummy Taxi. I know to wait, not push the chat, and soon little observational bursts of wonder erupt, at a poster, a flock of birds, people at a bus stop chatting on phones rather than to each other. “How many are there? What shoes are they wearing?”

He shows me things I wouldn’t normally see. It’s like a theme park ride for him. Life is full of wonder.

We talk silly stuff, sing songs, enjoying the bubble of warmth and familiarity we are in. He never gets impatient like me. He is in the moment where I should be, instead of in the past or future where my thoughts need rescuing from.

I don’t even curse the traffic. I love being with the little bloke. We tool around to find a car park; he is my cockatoo, the spotter. Then it’s the merry skip with classmates, the sign in, the parent-teacher chat full of glowing optimism and devotion to young beautiful life. I leave him feeling enriched and don’t care about the traffic congestion.

But deep down I have something in my craw, a niggling stone in my liver. Coming from the Greek traditions of town planning, free thinking and the arts, I am sure we would all be better off without being enclosed in the Mummy Taxi mobile box. The streets would be safer with less cars, more bikes and people on foot. There would be healthier children and mummies. Communities would be more cohesive, jointly caring for our children. Their imaginations, social skills, self-reliance and limbs would all be far better for the walk, as would mine. Bring back school catchment zoning, I say. ‘No Stopping’ signs outside schools.

Restrict the free choice mantra; it’s killing the planet.

Most importantly, mummies need to have lives too, so they are better at being themselves and at being mummies. They need help.

Think of all the other Mummy Taxi functions that overwhelm them (and the dads, de factos, grandparents, etc.). The extracurricular dancing, sport, tuition, parties and so on.

As much as I love being a grandfather Mummy Taxi, I still reckon they should walk. Kids need to be kids.

February 2019 | The Beast 55

DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE The point of advertising is to persuade us that products equal happiness. The trouble is, this happiness is “for a limited time only”. If that new car, phone or TV made you happy forever, you’d never buy another. Manufacturers keep you buying by: a) ensuring their product will break due to inbuilt obsolescence; and b) using ads to convince you that only the latest is the greatest. Thus massive amounts of resources are wasted on items destined for landfill.

Even if products do bring you joy, that pleasure factor is becoming shorter and shorter. Sometimes the thrill wears off so quickly you’ll barely get your new purchase home before you realise it’s just more crap.

There's nowhere to hide.

THE UNRELIABLE GUIDE TO...

CONSUMERISM Words Nat Shepherd Picture Leigh Salesman

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he Unreliable Guide is fed up with advertising, the proselytising arm of the latest and most insidious religion of them all: consumerism. Don’t believe it’s a religion? Consider Xmas.com and Easter™. These formally religious occasions are now celebrations of consumption (no doubt to the amusement of Pagans whose Yule and Oestra festivals were similarly hijacked by early Christians). I’m not a fan of religion, but most offer some social benefits. Consumerism, promoted by the demon branch of applied psychology known as advertising, just wants to keep us buying. While the world drowns under a sea of crap, we consume like rats desperate for the latest cheese. It’s depressing, but The Unreliable Guide is here with some tips and tricks to show you the way to product-free happiness…

TRY TO AVOID ADVERTS Ads pimp the industry. Like consumerist ‘pushermen’ they keep you hungry for your next fix of

56 The Beast | February 2019

product. To jump off the treadmill of consumerism you should avoid adverts altogether, but this is getting harder and harder. Ads are everywhere. TV, radio, newspapers, magazines, films and sporting events all rely on advertising revenue and they stuff in as many ads as they can.

Worse still are the ‘smart ads’ that now infiltrate every branch of social media. Not only have they ruined apps like Instagram, which used to be cool, these Orwellian ads target you specifically. Using data triangulation they can even follow you from device to device.

Every time you go online your Google searches, purchases, tweets, and Facebook likes are collected and sifted using artificial intelligence to build your consumer profile. This information not only tells advertisers what you like, but which symbols, words and colours will transform you from a viewer into a buyer. Every ad you see reflects your online presence.

Privacy is so last century.

RECOGNISE THE LIES I enjoy shopping as much as the next little capitalist consumer, so is it bad if products make us happy?

It’s not, if they really do, but what gets my goat is that ads sell lifestyles, experiences and bodies that are impossible to achieve.

They market misery and promote insecurity, encouraging us to buy our way to happiness - “Are you the best you can be? No? Never mind, we have just the product to fix you! See how great our model looks!” But these representations of ‘reality’ are so airbrushed that even supermodels don’t recognise themselves. No wrinkles, spots or baggy bits. Adverts use these impossible images deliberately- so we’ll keep striving to attain the unattainable. Failure is certain, but that’s good. If you’re unhappy you’ll keep on buying.

Finally, The Unreliable Guide suggests that you stop being a consumerist believer. Products do not produce happiness. You are “worth it”; you just don’t need it, so don’t buy it. Avoid the mall at all costs and go for a swim or a bushwalk. See the world for real, not represented and revised in 65-inch 4HD. Memories are never last season’s model and you can take them everywhere.

FEBRUARY 2019 TIDE CHART Numbers Bureau of Meteorology Tidal Centre Picture Bill Morris Instagram @billmorris MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

• New Moon • First Quarter • Full Moon • Last Quarter •

4 0230 0901 1537 2131

0.53 1.73 0.39 1.35

5 0306 0936 1610 2205

0.51 1.74 0.37 1.38

6 0343 1010 1642 2239

0.50 1.74 0.37 1.39

11 0111 0707 1313 1932

1.42 0.63 1.43 0.53

12 0159 0802 1402 2018

1.43 0.66 1.34 0.57

13 0253 0909 1505 2115

1.45 0.67 1.27 0.60

18 0128 0757 1438 2038

0.41 1.93 0.20 1.50

19 0222 0849 1527 2128

0.33 2.01 0.13 1.57

20 0315 0941 1614 2216

25 0134 0753 1353 1958

1.59 0.51 1.41 0.54

26 0229 0900 1452 2048

1.55 0.59 1.27 0.64

27 0329 1013 1603 2149

The king, kegged.

•

FRIDAY

1 0020 0700 1346 1935

0.61 1.62 0.51 1.24

7 0419 1044 1713 2314

0.50 1.71 0.38 1.40

8 0457 1118 1745 2349

0.51 1.67 0.41 1.41

•

14 0355 1028 1621 2220

1.49 0.64 1.23 0.60

15 0500 1144 1741 2328

1.57 0.56 1.25 0.57

0.28 2.04 0.10 1.62

•

21 0408 1030 1659 2305

0.26 2.01 0.13 1.65

22 0501 1120 1744 2354

0.28 1.91 0.20 1.65

1.51 0.64 1.18 0.70

28 0434 1127 1720 2256

1.50 0.64 1.16 0.72

SATURDAY

2 0108 0745 1428 2018

SUNDAY

3 0151 0824 1503 2056

0.56 1.70 0.41 1.32

9 0536 0.54 1153 1.60 1818 0.44

10 0029 0619 1230 1854

1.41 0.58 1.52 0.48

16 0603 1.69 1250 0.43 1848 1.32

17 0030 0702 1346 1945

0.50 1.81 0.31 1.41

23 0556 0.33 1210 1.76 1828 0.31

24 0043 0652 1300 1912

1.63 0.42 1.58 0.43

0.59 1.66 0.46 1.28

The seppos take their racing pretty seriously.

VROOM! VROOM! UNLEASH YOUR INNER HOON! Words Alasdair McClintock Picture Austin Dillon

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his February, chill the Woodstocks, unleash your inner hoon and settle in for hours of hotted-up cars going around in circles.

No, I’m not talking about Bondi on a hot Sunday, I’m referring to the bogan Meccas that are the Bathurst 12 Hour and Daytona 500.

I’ve never understood the allure of car racing but, then again, I don’t understand Spanish and that doesn’t mean billions of people are wrong. I certainly understand the allure of sitting on an esky full of your chosen poison and slowly diminishing its contents over the course of a day in the name of sport, so I’m willing to get behind it for that reason alone.

The Bathurst 12 Hour is an intriguing event. As the name suggests, drivers race for 12 hours and the most laps completed wins.

It is not the premier Bathurst race - that is the Bathurst 1000, which happens in October – but it is still a revhead’s dream, for reasons not fully explained on their website and beyond deduction to a layman like me.

58 The Beast | February 2019

Since it’s a four-day event and there’s camping, I’m guessing it’s basically Splendour in the Grass with cars instead of bands and Monster Energy t-shirts instead of glitter bras. I don’t imagine anyone would be dropping acid at Bathurst, but if they did I wouldn’t be too surprised either. I expect it would be a mind-boggling experience. Terrifying, even.

Speaking of terrifying, we also have Trump America’s conservative masterpiece, the Daytona 500, to look forward to. Raced over a distance of 500 miles (850 kilometres), it is basically driving from Sydney to Melbourne, except in circles.

Sydney to Melbourne is a dull drive. Imagine the landscape never changing (not too hard to do, in fairness) and that you were watching someone do it as a spectator sport. Yeah, yeah, I know there’s more to Daytona than that, but I’m finding the oval racetrack concept a hard one to get my head around. At least put a couple of wiggles in the course!

The Daytona generally only takes three to four hours, tornado warning delays notwithstanding (see: 2014 Daytona 500), so they’re going a little quicker than your average Volvo voyage down the Hume.

While the racing doesn’t appeal to me particularly, they must be incredibly eye-opening events from a cultural perspective. Getting up close and personal with the heart of Middle America is well and truly on my bucket list. I’ve no idea why, but it is. The thought of waterfalls of nacho cheese, giant hot dogs and enormous beers is scarily appealing to me. The grotesque excess is both horrifying and mesmerising. I need to see it to understand it. I need to bathe in butter-soaked popcorn and cannon ball into swimming pools of Kentucky Fried Chicken to truly fathom who we are as a human beings and why we are on this planet, driving around at high speed in the name of reckless entertainment!

Or maybe I should just go to Bathurst.

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The perfect beachside feast.

HEART CAFÉ A CAFÉ WITH A CONSCIENCE Words Joel Bevilacqua Picture Stefanie Neal

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he opening of Bondi’s latest café means locals can now enjoy great coffee and a creative menu knowing they are helping transform the lives of at-risk youth.

Owned and run by Eastern Suburbs not-for-profit the Wayside Chapel, Heart Café prepares disadvantaged youth for a career in hospitality. Through Wayside Chapel’s Wingspan Project, young people facing barriers to employment will receive paid hospitality traineeships within the busy, Bondi Beach-adjacent café.

But Heart isn’t just a social enterprise, it’s also a damn good café (apologies to Wayside pastor Jon Owen for the language).

Heart Café has a laidback, semi-rustic interior. For a claustrophobe like me, the spacious seating plan and sea breeze allowed to flow through the large open windows were both major

62 The Beast | February 2019

ticks. I could definitely imagine taking my laptop here (they provide free wifi for customers) and putting in a few hours of work.

Or, if it were a weekend, discussing openly with friends our previous night’s adventures without unwanted judgment from a fartoo-close-for-comfort neighbouring table.

Cool design and close proximity to the beach aside, the acid test for a new café is always going to be the standard of its coffee, regardless of where the profits are going. Even the noblest of spirits won’t keep returning if this primary service isn’t up to scratch. Luckily the coffees made for us, courtesy of Gypsy Espresso, were A-grade, even gaining the approval of my hard to please (did someone say coffee snob?) girlfriend, who in the past has left many substandard almond lattes virtually untouched.

As for the food, chef Antonio Saco serves up a delicious, wholesome menu that sports gourmet breakfast bowls and healthy salads, plus myriad creative dishes such as the Middle Eastern breakfast with smoky baba ghanoush and the Japanese inspired miso mushroom poached eggs. Heart Café’s community-orientated philosophy means ingredients are locally sourced: the bread is supplied by the Bread and Butter Project, which teaches and employs refugee women as bakers, and much of the organic produce comes straight from Wayside’s community garden, just up the road.

There are some enticing options for the less disciplined too (which we ordered when we visited for lunch), such as the Heart chorizo roll and the Andean chips. The chorizo roll was a good as it sounds. To combat the salty chorizo, the bread that sandwiched the glorious Spanish sausage was lathered in a fresh chimichurri sauce. Our Andean chips – made from regular, sweet and purple potatoes – were curiously topped with roasted nuts, but it worked.

We at least attempted to balance these orders with the Mediterranean chicken, which was served with a tangy Greek yoghurt and pomegranate infused salad. If you are feeling hungry when you visit Heart Cafe, this is the perfect big summer lunch.

At around $16 for breakfast, the food is reasonably priced, and you order knowing that every dollar you spend will be funnelled back into Wayside’s Wingspan Project.

Heart Cafe Web www.heartcafe.com.au Address 95 Roscoe Street, Bondi Beach Facebook www.facebook.com/ heartcafebondi Instagram @heartcafebondi Phone (02) 9581 9150 Open Daily, 7am - 4pm Prices From $5 for croissants to $22 for some mains Cards Mastercard, Visa, AMEX Licensed No

Simple yet delicious.

PANZANELLA - A LITTLE TOUCH OF TUSCANY Words and Picture Dana Sims Instagram @stone_and_twine

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t may be a Tuscan dish, but this salad is perfect for summer in Australia. With very few ingredients, it relies on freshness and good quality produce to elevate it to next level deliciousness.

There are variations out there on how this dish should be constructed, but tomatoes are always the hero. They are often on our shopping list and it’s great to find new ways to use them in your cooking. With so many varieties to choose from and a bunch of vibrant colours available in summer, feel free to adapt this recipe with the ones you like best.

Here I’ve used a mix of cherry and grape heirloom tomatoes.

A fragrant summer herb such as basil completes this salad and it’s in abundance at this time of year.

Capsicum isn’t an ingredient you’d usually find in the traditional Tuscan version, but when it’s roasted it adds a lot of flavour.

The bread mixed in the vinaigrette gives the salad great texture and also soaks up the juices from the tomatoes.

Panzanella goes well as a side dish to meat or fish and can also be a perfect light lunch on its own.

It’s another easy one for the recipe files that looks gorgeous on a plate and is simply delicious.

INGREDIENTS (Serves 4 people) Olive oil, for drizzling 500g cherry and grape heirloom tomatoes (or any baby tomatoes), halved (keep small ones whole) 1 red capsicum ½ small red onion, thinly sliced 1 clove garlic, finely chopped 200g sourdough or ciabatta bread, roughly torn ½ cup fresh basil leaves 100ml extra virgin olive oil 60ml red wine vinegar Salt and pepper METHOD 1. Preheat the oven to 180°C; 2. Place capsicum on a baking tray and drizzle with olive oil. Cook in the oven for approximately 20 minutes, until the skin browns and blisters;

3. Remove and transfer to a bowl, cover with cling film and stand for 15-20 minutes before peeling and discarding the skin from the capsicum; 4. Roughly chop the capsicum into bite size pieces and set aside; 5. Cut the tomatoes in half, leaving some small ones whole. Add to the bowl, along with the capsicum, bread, olive oil, red wine vinegar, red onion and garlic; 6. Season with salt and pepper, then toss to combine and coat the ingredients with the oil/red wine vinegar; 7. Finally, scatter the basil leaves over the salad and serve.

Dana Sims is a Sydney-based food and prop stylist who has grown up in the Eastern Suburbs and loves to create delicious food for entertaining and family. She is inspired by the fresh produce we have access to here in Sydney.

For ideas, recipes and styling inspiration, please check out her Instagram, @stone_and_twine.

February 2019 | The Beast 63

FIDLAR Almost Free Label Dine Alone Records Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  Before this, all I knew of Fidlar was that they were responsible for one of the greatest film clips of all time.

Watching Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman) urinate all over Los Angeles filled me with such juvenile joy!

I can’t even remember the song, just the clip, which admittedly isn’t a great sign, but with Almost Free their music has finally made an impression. Think a mix of Sublime, Beastie Boys and Weezer, with a bit of Refused thrown in for shits and giggles. Real good stuff. Lyrically brilliant as well, which is a refreshing change these days.

RY X Unfurl

FILM REVIEW TITLE Green Book GENRE Drama, Comedy REVIEWER Linda Heller-Salvador

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reen Book is based on the true story of a most unlikely friendship that began in 1962 between Dr Donald ‘Doc’ Shirley (Mahershala Ali), a worldclass African-American pianist, and Frank ‘Tony Lip’ Vallelonga (Viggo Mortensen), a brash and tough talking Italian-American nightclub bouncer.

The intelligent and refined Shirley is about to embark on an eight-week concert tour from Manhattan to the racially segregated Deep South and is therefore requiring a driver/bodyguard, so he hires the newly unemployed and uncultured Vallelonga for the task. During the tour, Vallelonga witnesses the racial indignities that Shirley encounters every day of his life and realises how unjust the situation is. As the unlikely odd-couple spend more time together they both become profoundly affected by their experiences and their tentative relationship develops into a genuine life-long friendship.

Director Peter Farrelly (Dumb and Dumber, There’s Something About Mary) has stepped outside of his usual comedy genre to co-write the script, along with Nick Vallelonga and Brian Currie, using interviews and letters sourced from 'Doc' and 'Tony'. It will make you cringe at the injustices, but will also make you laugh unexpectedly. It’s inherently a film about hope and the power of music to influence people’s perceptions, and the friendships that can be made along the way.

64 The Beast | February 2019

Label Infectious Music Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  Strip off your linen shirt, put your funny hat on the table and slide gently into an infinity pool. This is rich young people music. The kind of people who judge you for drinking cow’s milk, but think nothing of snorting cocaine laced with the blood of Mexican children. I’m obviously not accusing RY X of any of those sorts of shenanigans, but I guarantee you a coked-up vegan ‘online influencer’ is listening to Unfurl in Bali as you read this - as they should, because it’s actually a good record. I never said they didn’t have good taste.

TWO PEOPLE First Body Label Terrible Records Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  There is only so much pretension one person can generate, but Two People can obviously take it to another level. Everything about this is so Melbourne/music industry; it is almost unbearable. I mean, who debuts their live show at Splendour in the Grass? Come on! The thing about hipster wank, though, is that it’s often quite good. Think of all the coastal towns hipsters have ‘ruined’ by flooding them with great coffee, food and beer. First Body falls into this category. It’s probably great, but it’s all so painfully self-aware that I can’t fully appreciate the mouth-watering cronut that’s just been handed to me.

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ACROSS 1. Lawless capital of Papua New Guinea (4,7) 7. Modern day Persia (4) 8. Country with a sheep fetish, New ... (7) 9. Corny U.S. state (4) 10. Tax haven between France and Spain (7) 12. Portuguese for ‘beach’ and capital of Cape Verde (5) 14. Four U.S. states start with this word (3) 16. U.S. state sharing its name with a musical (8) 18. Country that celebrates Hogmanay (8) 21. Overrated French tower (6)

DOWN 1. Duterte’s country (11) 2. Home of the Serengeti (8) 3. Canadian capital (6) 4. Latin country straddling the Equator (7) 5. Waterfront area in Shanghai (4) 6. Indian landmark (3,3,5) 11. U.S. city with lots of casinos (4) 13. Hong Kong (1,1) 15. China and Australia are the world’s main exporters of ... (4) 16. Norwegian capital (4) 17. German supermarket (4) 19. Niger's country code (1,1) 20. San Fran (1,1)

TRIVIAL TRIVIA Words Cameron Anderson Picture Sebastian Elmaloglou Instagram @intepic 1. Which fruit’s name is derived from the Latin for ‘seeded apple’?

2. A synchronous diaphragmatic flutter is otherwise known as a what?

3. How many balls is billiards played with?

4. Who wrote the 1985 novel The Handmaid’s Tale?

5. Which ‘70s Bob Seger song did Tom Cruise mime in the movie Risky Business?

6. Which actor appeared in the movies Valentine’s Day and A Star is Born?

7. Which snack food did boilermaker Frank McEnroe invent in 1957?

8. What year did the Sydney Football Stadium and the Sydney Monorail open?

9. What once stood on the corner of Knox Street and Clovelly Road, Clovelly and closed 60 years ago this year?

10. What was the last movie shown at Clovelly Kings Theatre?

Sandy shallows.

February 2019 | The Beast 65

ARIES MAR 21-APR 20 The phone call you let go through to the keeper is the call you’ll wish you’d answered. Not every private number is a Nigerian scammer.

VIRGO AUG 23-SEP 23 Avoid Googling the symptoms of your itchy bumhole or you’ll be followed around the Internet by poo fetish propaganda for months.

TAURUS APR 21-MAY 21 Just as house prices seem to be getting within reach, the banks won’t lend you any money. How ironic and frustrating that must be for you.

LIBRA SEP 24-OCT 23 You’re better off bitching about your friends behind their backs than staying mum and building up a deep and lasting resentment.

GEMINI MAY 22-JUN 21 A bad batch of dunny paper will do serious damage to your sensitive little noose. It’s worth spending a little extra on some quality ply.

SCORPIO OCT 24-NOV 22 Although you think you’re the busiest person on the planet, in reality you have more time on your hands than anyone but you just waste it all.

AQUARIUS JAN 21-FEB 19 Despite Sydney being way shitter than it was 10 years ago, it’s still the best city on Earth, so quit your whinging.

CANCER JUN 22-JUL 22 Blow this month’s pay betting on horses, because the racing industry is a charitable organisation that requires funds to help those in need.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 23-DEC 21 The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting joy from little things, like Range Rovers, designer clothing and plastic surgery.

PISCES FEB 20-MAR 20 The mates you’ve got now are the mates you’re going to be stuck with for life, so make the most of them even though they’re not that cool.

LEO JUL 23-AUG 22 That quick buck you were hoping to make will quickly become a ‘paper loss’ that you refuse to acknowledge for eternity.

CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 20 Leaving things right up until the last minute is fine if you work well under pressure, which you most certainly do not.

STAR SIGNS Words Beardy from Hell

TRIVIAL TRIVIA SOLUTIONS 1. Pomegranate 2. Hiccup 3. Three 4. Margaret Atwood 5. Old Time Rock & Roll 6. Bradley Cooper 7. The Chiko Roll 8. 1988 9. Clovelly Kings Theatre 10. Violent Playground

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