4 minute read
Satire
by The Beast
Look out.
Dogs Under Attack at Mackenzies Bay
Satire Kieran Blake, www.kieranblakewriter.com Photo Andy Pipkin
Dogs at Mackenzies Bay are under attack after Waverley Council approved plans to construct a park for SUVs at the tiny beach. The news has angered pet owners who resent the intrusion of off-road drivers into a space they are not allowed to use.
The showdown is set to rival the most brutal and bloody sporting contests in history after months of bickering between the parties on social media.
An SUV driver sparked the conflict with a simple remark.
“An SUV would crush a little pooch,” to which a pet owner replied, “A medium-sized pet dog has the same carbon footprint as an SUV.”
From that point it was on. The beachside fight will take place with no regard for social distancing or health concerns, and will begin as soon as Council completes the construction of the SUV facilities.
An access road will plough through Gaerloch Reserve, across the coastal path and onto the rocks, and a boat ramp will be a launching site for jet skis. Hoses will allow drivers to wash the sand, oil, motor fluids and other debris straight into the ocean. Council has also opened a tender for a car wash café to be built on the site, but pet owners reminded drivers they have taken over every café in the Eastern Suburbs.
Vitriolic pre-fight tension included many tense exchanges.
“SUVs will scare away the sunbathers, we’ll have it all to ourselves,” said one SUV enthusiast.
“But dogs scare coastal birds away, and many of them never come back to this resting spot,” replied a dog owner.
“We’ll rip a hole in this beach with our circle work.”
“Just watch our pets damage native and planted vegetation with their digging.”
“Slip, slop, slap with motor oil.”
“Yeah, well SUVs don’t poo, but dog faeces alters the coastal soil’s nutrient profile.”
“That’s right, and our dogs will destroy the original soil and the ability of remnant native vegetation to regenerate.”
Pooch parents reminded the drivers that most owners pick up after their dogs, before one of their members admitted to never scooping up a soggy dropping from a rock pool, and claimed that the natural tides of the bay wash away everything anyway.
The dirty drivers then boasted, “Stormwater run-off closes beaches for days.”
“Faecal contamination impacts the health of swimmers and surfers at Mackenzies Bay and Tamarama Beach, and this pollution will disrupt sensitive marine biodiversity,” came the counter attack.
Meanwhile, Waverley Council promised that rangers will ensure the fight does not detract from the experience of other beachgoers, and boasted that the showdown will be great live entertainment for people on the coastal walk.
“Just like an animated Sculpture by the Sea,” they chuckled.
Waverley Council Update
Mayor’s Message
Bondi Story Room
Waverley Council and TZG architects are working with an industry leader in museum experience design to help develop and deliver a design for the Bondi Story Room, a collection of three spaces in Bondi Pavilion. Our vision for the Story Room is to showcase and celebrate our Indigenous culture, current cultural events/attractions, surfing history and culture, multiculturalism in Waverley, local history and our local environment. The inclusion of a Bondi Story Room in the Bondi Pavilion restoration, which is on track to come in on budget and on time, came out of previous consultation feedback and the Bondi Pavilion Stakeholder Committee. To ensure the Story Room incorporates the history, events and personalities you think are important, we are seeking community feedback via haveyoursay.waverley. nsw.gov.au/bondipavilion or
bondistoryroom@waverley. nsw.gov.au
Express your interest for leasing opportunities in Bondi Pavilion.
Bondi Pavilion commercial tenancies
Waverley Council is seeking to appoint a vibrant mix of commercial tenants to operate from Bondi Pavilion, which is on track to come in on budget and on time, when the building reopens either later this year or early next year. We want to attract providers who will relish being part of the fabric of a heritage building and whose offerings compliments the needs of people who live, work and visit Bondi. Expressions of interest (EOI) close 3 March for a retail tenancy (shop 2) and food and beverage operator (shop 3) on the ground floor at the northern end of the building. To apply, visit
tenderlink.com/Waverley
Arden Street upgrade
In February, Council is due to start construction on our safety upgrade of Arden Street, Bronte. The upgrade will improve pedestrian crossing signals, widen the footpath, install kerb treatments to slow traffic, formalise the school bus zone outside Clovelly Public School and bus stop, and install new planting/ landscaping. For more, visit waverley.nsw.
gov.au/ardenstsafetyupgrade
Marlborough Reserve Playground
In February, Council is due to begin its upgrade of the reserve in Arden Street, Bronte. The upgrade is expected to be completed in May and will include demolition of the old playground and installation of new playground equipment, rubber softfall and imaginative play spaces. We’re also installing new garden beds and trees including a 4.5metre fig tree. There will be new park furniture and improved pedestrian access into the playground. For more, visit waverley.nsw.gov.au/
