The Cynic 48 Beast Brainteasers

No fun for you.

Insecurity Guards

Words Jay Houhlias Photo Sven Marquardt

My apprehension to write this is twofold. Firstly, I doubt about whether this will actually be read by problem security guards at all, and secondly, because I may be burning bridges to some pubs and clubs I really like. Nonetheless, I am noble as I am fearless, and I do feel morally obligated to pursue this tirade so we can close the expanding divide between the public and the security guards of our pubs and clubs.

A recent experience prompted my voicing of this issue. The story goes that I decided to head out and not drink. I was a good boy, I saw it through, and I felt good that my arm remained untwisted. We got to the bar, my drunk friends got let in first, I was last. The security guard stopped me and sized me up. Then he looked me in the eyes and said, “You look f*cked.”

I was quite stunned. “Thanks,” I said.

“Not tonight, you ain’t getting in tonight, you look f*cked,” he said again.

“I am not drinking tonight,” I said.

“Well, you look f*cked,” he said.

“Ok, but I haven’t had any drinks,” I said.

“Nah man, you’re drunk,” he said. ”I really have had nothing,” I said.

“Well if you look this f*cked when you’re sober I can’t imagine how you look when you’re drunk,” he said.

This was verbatim the conversation. Being convinced that you’re drunk like this is terrifying because for some reason, you always are, even if you aren’t. Now, aside from the fact that he might have been correct in his assertion that I looked a certain way, this interaction and many others like it convey the problem with our security guards. Gone are the days where you can be yourself and tell the truth in your dealings with security guards. You are always wrong and up to mischief. There is always that obligatory ‘straighten yourself up’, or ‘don’t say anything dumb’ (in fact, don’t say anything at all), followed by you acting like a complete weasel as you try and skimp your way past the security guards and onto your favourite dance floor. And yes, you do skimp and weasel, because any attempt to speak normally with a security guard is a threat to them - you must servilely shrivel up like a little walnut and succumb to their nightly power trip. I get they have serious responsibilities, but so do paramedics, and they’re not usually arseholes for no reason.

But you see, today I am not just going to bash on security guards. I don’t want to be too emotional and irrational. After all, everything I have said so far has been my opinion and anecdote. I wanted to understand things better, so I did some research. A friend of mine (unnamed) is a security guard and he has leaked to me, in confidentiality, the responsibilities that were bestowed upon him when he first took the job (at place unnamed). He said his main priority was to keep people safe - I thought that was very reasonable. He then gave me the protocol he received in order to fulfil this duty. It was then that I realised my folly. It read:

Do not grant entry to: • Big groups • Small groups • One lone person • People who want to have fun on a night out • People that dance • People that don’t respect your superior authority • People that aren’t afraid of you • Very drunk people • Very sober people • People who are too friendly to you • People who are too unfriendly to you • People that look too young • People that look too old • Women that aren’t interested in you • Animals • Men

Feel free to print out this list and take it with you the next time you’re out. If you don’t get let in, you can refer back to it for clarity. Now that I look at this list, I suppose I could show a little more leniency toward these folk who are just following protocol. But I’m not so sure, the list doesn’t seem so inclusive.

The list also came with an unimportant caveat which can override any or all rules of entry. * Always let da glamours in.

Trivial Trivia

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7 8

17 15 12 13

19 11 10

18 16

20 6

14 ACROSS

1. Author of Dracula (4,6) 7. Used to make dough rise (6) 8. Japanese dumpling (5) 9. Island country in the Persian Gulf (7) 10. Online marketplace (4) 12. Soft woollen blanket, type of dog (6) 16. Slang word for green breakfast food (3) 17. Pain a la Duchesse (6) 18. Type of angle, slow to understand (6) 19. King of the fairies (6) 20. Lightbulb inventor, Thomas ... (6)

DOWN

1. English musician, comedian and actor who was recently in Australia (4,6) 2. American Indian people of south west USA (6) 3. First name of sherpa who first summited Mt Everest (7) 4. Barrel used to store beer (3) 5. Plural for parallelogram with four equal sides (6) 6. A daily record of events and experiences (5) 11. Cocoa alternative (5) 13. Man belonging to a Catholic religious order (5) 14. Surname of King Henry VIII’ s second wife (6) 15. Excuse (5) 16. Touches along an edge (5) 18. Lowest cardinal number (3)

Words Lisa Anderson Photo Theresia Hall Instagram @theresia.g.hall

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