Satire

Respect our sovereignty.

Great Public Schools Launch the Rugby Revolution

Satire Kieran Blake, www.kieranblakewriter.com Photo Angus Taylor

The Athletic Association of the Great Public Schools of New South Wales is set to introduce the greatest revolution in rugby union since William Webb Ellis picked up the ball, after the organisation of Australia’s wealthiest schools granted itself permission to complete its sporting season during COVID-19 restrictions.

The GPS sporting association, which includes local schools The Scots College, Sydney Grammar School and Sydney Boys High School, will play the first ever series of socially distanced rugby in the world. Spokesperson for the association, Richie Power, outlined some of the monumental changes to the sport and their likely impact.

Social distancing

Players must not pass within 1.5 metres of each other, not even their teammates. Rolling mauls will subsequently resemble an interpretive dance, and every line-out will be won by the boy with the longest wing span. There’s no chance of hands in the ruck, and scrums will become even more farcical than those in the NRL.

Zero-point tries

The game they play in Heaven will revert to its roots and tries will be worth zero points, but earn the scoring team the right to ‘try’ for a conversion. “If we awarded points for tries, we’d end up with cricket scores every game, and we know rugby players can’t count,” Power said.

Spectator restrictions

Parents and Old Boys will be able to follow the Rugby Revolution all the way from Bellevue Hill to Armidale. While spectators are prohibited from standing on the sidelines, they can chant war cries from the comfort of their Range Rover, Rolls Royce or Bentley, or even from their private yacht moored in Lane Cove River, after it has been collected from the Seychelles or Turks and Caicos Islands and exempted from quarantine.

Old Boys of The King’s School are exempt from any COVID-19 restrictions as the school has declared its sizeable territory a sovereign nation not subjected to the laws of Australia.

Critics have slammed the decision to allow the GPS schools to continue their regular sporting fixtures while other less privileged schools must still abide by COVID-19 restrictions, but Power staunchly defended the move.

“We paid a fortune for our scholarship athletes - sorry, students - and we demand a return on our investment. If not, we will have no choice but to send them back to the Western Suburbs or an island in the South Pacific, or simply let them study, learn and improve their academic and employment prospects.”

“In addition, we need to be able to channel our considerable government funding into extravagant sporting facilities and specialised coaches, otherwise we’d be forced to give our teachers such an enormous pay rise that they could actually afford to live within an hour of their workplace,” Power explained.

“Without rugby, we would just be public schools, and that’s obviously not great enough.”