4 minute read
Satire
Straight to Engadine Maccas after the game.
Scott Morrison Imprisoned for UnAustralian Activities
Satire Kieran Blake, www.kieranblakewriter.com Photo Andrew Ettingshausen
EXCLUSIVE: The Prime Minister of Australia, Scott Morrison, has been found guilty of the highest form of treason and will become the first leader of Australia to spend the rest of his life in prison. Morrison was found to have knowingly engaged in unAustralian activities and will be immediately transferred from The Lodge to a maximum-security facility on Christmas Island.
The sudden removal of the prime minister and the ensuing silence from the Department of Home Affairs will no doubt prompt wild speculation as to the specific actions which landed Morrison in prison.
Pundits are expected to cite the corruption, adultery and endless scandals of his LNP colleagues, and his unwavering devotion to the fossil fuel industry, which will see the opening of new coal mines, including one directly underneath Sydney’s water catchment. Fingers will be pointed at the SportsRorts saga, the trial of Witness K, the military budget and the collusion with Clive Palmer, which helped Morrison to win the unwinnable federal election.
Blame will undoubtedly be laid at Morrison’s attempt to rewrite Australian history by publicly denying the existence of slavery in the country, and the country’s steady descent into authoritarianism under his rule.
Anonymous sources within the Department of Home Affairs have suggested to The Beast that the dismissal may have been a reaction to Morrison’s adoption of socialism during the COVID-19 pandemic. The use of state money to pay the wages of thousands of citizens for an extended period of time may have boosted his approval rating, conceded the source, but angered powerful elements within the hard right of the LNP.
An accusation of treason implies an attack on the core values and traditions of a nation; an act as treacherous as eating a meat pie with cutlery, drinking warm beer, enjoying a burger without beetroot or knowing all the words to Advance Australia Fair. It could even include hoarding toilet paper. Morrison, however, has done something far worse, something that strikes at the very heart of the nation.
“He switched footy teams,” explained the source.
“Scott Morrison was born and raised in the heartland of the Sydney/Eastern Suburbs Roosters, but now supports the Cronulla Sharks. You don’t do that.”
“Even if switching teams wins votes in the Shire and smooths the path to the nation’s top job, you don’t switch footy teams - it’s unAustralian.”
Morrison, meanwhile, has been denied the right to a fair trial and the right to comment publicly, but did manage to slip a short statement to the magazine which represents the people of his homeland.
“If you’re thinking of switching footy teams halfway through your life, don’t do it. Just don’t do it.”
An actual concept drawing from the first attempted land grab.
Satire Kieran Blake, www.kieranblakewriter.com Photo Con Crete
Ladies and gentlemen of the Eastern Suburbs, your new lifestyle destination is here: Welcome to Bronte’s Sartorially Luxurious Seaside Citadel (SLSC).
This architecturally-designed super structure promises a new era of dining, entertainment and self-awareness, nestled betwixt azure waters and Brontenext-the-Sea. Immerse yourself in the essence of eastern coastal living and witness first-hand the dramatic transformation of the 1970s clubhouse into an unrivalled social precinct, envisioned for your pleasure by renowned architect Haiyer Price.
Traverse the endless attractions of an edifice stretching from its original location to Bronte Road and the golden sands of Bronte Beach. Rescue boards, tubes, swim fins, Gsleds and the club’s IRB will adorn the walls throughout the structure, and an effortless coastal chic informs the aesthetic of this rewarding immersive experience.
Satisfy your deepest craving in the Michelin-starred gastronomy sector, which occupies the entire top floor, and hold court at Sydney’s first doggie café, because nothing is more important than your precious pooch. Treat your furry friend to a dog massage and a makeover with our exclusive on-site canine stylist.
Bask in the karmic cognizance that your single meal purchase will recoup the $9 million cost of the refurbishment, and gasp in wonderment that a renovation in the Eastern Suburbs could be achieved with such a meagre outlay.
Step from the gastronomy sector, through floor to ceiling windows, to the Wave Wall and watch hapless swimmers succumb to the current beside the reef, before congratulating the designers on the choice of the IRB as a decorative centrepiece.
Savour seafood delights and marvel at the most recent incarnation of the Bronte train as it delivers delectable sushi and sashimi dishes in our highly acclaimed CityZen restaurant. Feast on mouth-watering Japanese dishes prepared with seafood sourced entirely from the Pacific Ocean (off Japan).
Reinvent yourself with a blissful yoga or wellbeing session on our world-first glassbottomed YouGa platform, suspended over the refreshing waters of the Bogey Hole. Rest assured that doggie yoga is available, because nothing is more important than your precious pooch. For a truly invigorating experience, slide serenely from the YouGa platform into the calming waters of the Bogey Hole, now accessible only to VIP members of Bronte SLSC.
Bronte SLSC also delivers an interactive experience. Members and their guests are encouraged to seek out the official guest book, and tell everyone what they would have done differently with the renovation. Conversely, members of Bondi SLSC are offered the chance to visit an archival display of the world’s oldest surf club, and the opportunity to rewrite history.
Bathe in the rejuvenating potential of a destination freed of the impediment of a surf lifesaving club and its iconic Australian volunteers, and live the life you deserve. Bronte SLSC, so Eastern Suburbs…
