From Hustlin' to Healin': My Journey to Find a Healthy Balance by Alexandria Miller

Photo by Jamaica Gilmer

I was born with a hustler’s mentality, which I often credit to my immigrant parents. Hustling was survival. Hustling got me to college. In fact, it was my academic hustle that got me through college without paying a dime. I was dubbed “psychotically determined” in high school, and damn proud of it. I was proud that I read whole textbooks before AP exams, wore sleepless nights, and experienced the Final Exam Struggle Bus with pride. These were all badges of honor on my shiny academic journey… until they weren’t. I managed to keep consistent in my studies while the rest of my life faltered. I got through whole books, papers, and even a senior thesis, but I couldn’t tell you what my favorite thing to do was or where I liked to spend my free time. My studies and my drive actually confined me, but I kept cranking out pages of work because I believed it was the only way to happiness.

We get so caught up in the drive and ambition---the faith in the American Dream that doesn’t lend itself equally to immigrants and people of color---that we lose sight of our souls, our wellness, and that’s exactly what happened to me. I was a prisoner to my degree, ignoring free events, free food (gasp), and friends for the sake of this future I had been locked up and fighting for. My self-confidence was at an all-time low. My weight had spiraled out of control. I could not even tell you what made me happy anymore. In a world that is constantly denying the beauty of my Black womanhood, the last thing I needed to be doing was denying my own heart and mental health. So as a result, I quickly decided that I wouldn’t go straight to graduate school after graduation.

The greatest gift I ever gave myself was the freedom and liberation of these now two gap years. Despite my fear of failure, despite my family’s worrisome comments about “life catching up with me,” despite my friends’ Facebook posts about where they were enrolling next, for the first time in my life I chose my wellness over whatever future I had been working towards because I realized that future would only be incongruous if I didn’t listen to my heart. I allowed myself to feel, to cry, to explore and figure out what made me happy. I altered my way of thinking because I knew to change the life I had into what I wanted, it had to start from within me.

This journey through selfdiscovery has not been easy. I called turning twenty-two “The Year of Loneliness” because that is exactly how I felt on my birthday.

I drove to Food Lion and asked the baker to write “Happy Birthday to Me” on the lone carrot cake in the freezer. In retrospect, this year has taught me the difference between loneliness and solitude. It forced me to get acquainted with myself. I allowed every thought, every worry, every increment of hope to reside within me and me solely. I learned to be okay with pain and that you have to sit with it to get through it. And other times, it is okay to put on my diffuser, a big t-shirt and paint abstractly on some canvases I bought from Walmart.

This year has been the ultimate rebirth. From owning my first car, getting a therapist, and learning to implement healthy eating habits, the ultimate freedom in my life came when I began prioritizing my healing and working through my past traumas. I was no longer consumed with the questions of who and what will be and started focusing on who and what I am. What parts of my life did I want to improve? What changes did I foresee for myself ? Who were the people in my life who no longer served me in this moment? I had to find acceptance and self-love to get free. I had to acknowledge the things I disliked about myself to become the woman I want to be. Today, I stand proudly rooted, grounded and liberated in my existence and the choices I’ve made to better myself, and I am more open to possibilities. Through this process, my hustle hasn’t dissipated either; I just now hustle for my healing and my heart, and those things have been the greatest gift.

By Alexandria Miller