Op-Ed: ‘Pick me’ girls reflect mysoginitc upbringing

Opinion

Fraternities and Colleges perpetuating a culture of abuse

Mariyam Quaisar Beacon Staff

Trigger Warning: This article contains mentions of sexual assault and rape. On Friday, Oct. 8, a female student at the University of Delaware was kidnapped, strangled to the point of unconsciousness, and assaulted by her ex-boyfriend. Brandon Freyre, a 20-year-old student at the University, was arrested and charged with kidnapping, assault, and strangling of the victim for the alleged incident. Newark police said in a statement that Freyre allegedly damaged the victim’s property, struck her with blunt objects, sprayed orange paint in her eyes, and threatened to kill her if she contacted the police. Freyre allegedly strangled the victim and threw the victim down a fight of stairs. He was arrested the same day as the assault and later released on bail. On Oct. 12, university students rallied outside of the Kappa Delta Rho fraternity house where Freyre lived and the alleged assault occurred. As protesters chanted “silence is compliance,” members of the fraternity stood on the porch eating their breakfast as if nothing happened. The fraternity’s only response was two half-assed Instagram posts stating their disapproval of domestic violence and violence against women. Meanwhile, comments are disabled on the post where they claim to make the effort to become advocates for sexual assault victims. The University of Delaware did not issue a public response until four days later because the alleged incident was not considered an “imminent threat.” Colleges and universities across the United Statesdo not act with enough conviction, if any, when students are victims of sexual assault and harrassment. Instead of helping the victims seek justice, they hide or undermine the incidents for the sake of maintaining their reputations, or because they simply do not want to deal with it. Moreover, not only do administrations allow for this abuse to continue with little repercussions, but in many cases, fraternity culture is heavily linked to sexual assaults on campuses nationwide. Emerson College is also to blame for the mishandling of such cases. In 2012, Emerson administrators told student Sarah Tedesco not to make a big deal about her sexual assault, and took months to begin the actual investigation. The day after her assault, Tedesco reported it to campus police, who did not allow her to speak with a female offcer and did not allow a friend to stay with her for support. Even worse, Emerson violated Tedesco’s privacy by calling her parents about the assault without her permission. Another survivor, Jillian Doherty, sued Emerson in 2014 for the inadequate handling of her rape case. Doherty was raped in her dorm room and Emerson’s attorneys said, “Two students agreed to meet in one student’s room and engaged in consensual sexual intercourse, followed by non-consensual intercourse… There is no duty to supervise adult students in their dorm rooms or prevent them from drinking alcohol.” Emerson did not interview a key witness, nor did they allow Doherty a lawyer during the initial investigation.According to Emerson’s attorneys, “Inadequacy does not equate to ‘atrocious’ or ‘utterly intolerable conduct,’” thus, apparently, Emerson should not be held accountable. In 2006, the University of Colorado acted with “deliberate indifference” when students Lisa Simpson and Anne Gilmore were sexually assaulted by football players and high school recruits, according to the American Civil Liberties Union. The University not only had an offcial policy that hosts must show football recruits a “good time,” but also failed to adequately supervise the hosts and players under such a policy, resulting in the misconduct. Moreso, university offcials knew of prior sexual assaults and harassment but did nothing about it. After evidence was put forth, proving the University of Colorado guilty, the University agreed to hire a new victim’s counselor, appoint a Title IX advisor, and pay $2.5 million in damages. In 2008, Arizona State University argued that they were not responsible under Title IX to act when a campus athlete raped a student. While the rapist was initially expelled from ASU over several sexual harassment complaints, administrators went as far as to readmit him under no supervision. It was not until Jan. 8, 2009 when a settlement was agreed upon requiring ASU to appoint someone to review and reform policies for sexual harassment and assault cases, and paid the plaintiff $850,000. In 2015, two Massachusetts Institute of Technology students entered a Boston

University students rally in protest. / Courtesy Aidan Fraser THE REVIEW University dormitory unescorted and undetected. One of them went into a suite, opened a bedroom door, and sexually assaulted a sleeping student. Boston University’s response: the student had the means to protect herself by locking her bedroom door but chose not to. More recently, on June 30, 2020, Prisha Sujin Kumar, a Boston University student, posted an open letter on Instagram detailing her assault that occurred in 2019, asking for “serious change in policy.” This included a 60-day time limit to complete sexual assault cases and ensuring LGBTQ+ student have equal access to care and support. Kumar was forced to write a second letter six months later, on Jan. 10, about her experience, condemning the University’s treatment of survivors like herself. How many sexual assault and rape cases will it take for colleges to change their policies and help their students? How long until we stop reading about rape culture on campus as if it is a norm? How long until women can feel safe around men? The issue becomes much deeper when diving into fraternities, and the often ugly realities of Greek Life. Sexual assaults are high on the list of insurance claims of fraternities nationwide. Freyre was a member of Kappa Delta Rho before the alleged assault, and it was all because the victim went to a rival fraternity’s party. As male students especially continue to expect sexual activity from their peers, and as our generation is so immersed in hookup culture, it affects sexual assault cases on campus. Our society has grown in tremendous ways in terms of not considering sex as taboo as before, which is great, but with that also comes unhealthy expectations that disproportionately harm female students. Just because hooking up and having sex is more common now than 20 years ago, it does not give anyone an excuse to assault someone. Several studies have found that students in fraternities are three times more likely to commit rape, and that one in fve women will be sexually assaulted while they are in college, and examples of this are far too prevalent. In 2013, three sexual assault cases were reported within one month at a Univeristy of Texas-Arlington fraternity. Emerson alum Jackson Davis ‘17 was terminated from NowThis amid sexual misconduct allegations from three other alumni on campus. Former students tweeted about him, calling him “a gross abuser,” “emotionally violent,” and “a known serial assaulter” from their time together on campus. Davis was a member of the Phi Alpha Tau fraternity, which faced backlash because of the accusations against Davis. In 2014, one of University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee’s fraternities was under investigation as to whether or not its members drugged girls’ drinks at a party. Also in 2014, a fraternity brother at Georgia Tech sent out an email labeled “Luring your rapebait’’ to his fellow Phi Kappa Tau members, instructing them on how and when to get girls in bed without their consent. A common refrain used on campuses to shut down the idea of going to Pi Kappa Alpha for parties is “PIKE spikes.” Yes, it has come to the point where people are using a play on words to indicate which fraternities are unsafe in terms of drugging drinks. As students rush fraternities, and eventually become pledges, their goal becomes to please their seniors. They want to live up to an idealized version of a fraternity brother, and if that means having sex tonight, then they will have sex that night. Ignoring sexual assault is systemic, whether it’s emdedded within college administrations or fraterntiy boards. Female students are seen as prey, and male students their predators—a concept drilled into the minds of fraternity brothers and ignored by college offcials. It is hard enough being a part of a growing statistic of victims, but it is even harder when the institution that becomes your home turns its back on you when you need their support the most.

Phrase ‘pick me’ adds fuel to the fire that is internalized misogyny

Sabine Waldeck Beacon Staff

If you’re a frequent TikTok user, there’s no doubt you’ve seen the term “pick me” fooding the comment sections of girls’ TikTok accounts. For those who don’t know, Urban Dictionary (the obvious be all and end all of defnitions) defnes “pick me” as “a girl who goes out of their way to impress boys and make them seem that they’re ‘not like other girls.’” These so-called “pick-me’s” are stereotyped as girls who drink beer with the boys, watch sports in their free time, and don’t understand why other girls are into such frivolous things like makeup and shopping. They are girls who feel like they stand out due to the fact that they are not as enthralled with the quintessential girly things and instead lean more towards masculine interests, in order to be “picked” or more appealing to men. A more severe case of a “pick me” can lead to putting other women down for liking things associated with femininity. They hate on other girls for things that would be considered to be a “basic bitch” thing to do––wearing too much makeup, sleeping with “too many” guys, or being too dramatic, whatever the case may be. So, to counteract the aggression these pick-me girls have, those who feel attacked will ridicule them back. To belittle these girls and hurt their egos, other girls will food their comments with the phrase over and over again until it’s all you see while scrolling. However, this is a fghting fre with fre situation where nobody wins. “Pick me’s” say and do things to present themselves in a way where some might consider them different and special in comparison to other girls in order to gain male attention. Yes, this is bad, but it stems from a thing most girls have had to overcome at some point in their lifetimes—internalized misogyny. According to the UMKC Women’s Center, internalized misogyny is “when women subconsciously project sexist ideas onto other women and even onto themselves.” This toxic way of thinking only breeds hatred among women and is completely unnecessary. We already get enough of that from our male counterparts. “Pick me” girls want attention from men because, as women, we have been told that is what is important. We are taught to appeal to the male gaze, and that being like other women is a bad thing. Starting as soon as women can understand the dynamics of our society, we are told we need to appeal to men, to ft ourselves into the misogynistic world we are going to grow up in. Women are told we shouldn’t be “like those other girls,” instead, we should ft this perfect idealized version of feminine but not slutty, conversational but not loud, and unique but not stand out too much. Therefore being any of the latter is negative and we should hate on women who embody them. The difference between women and “pick me” girls is that this mentality has stuck with the pick me’s. That mentality is a hard one to unlearn. If you are repeatedly told that being like other women is bad, then having to retrain your brain to no longer believe that is no small feat. In a time where “women supporting women” is so popular, how is also calling other women “pick me’s?” It is almost anti-feminist to ridicule these women for trying to appeal to the male gaze since that is what has been ingrained into them. Why would we as women make it harder for one another to just live when we know how much we already have to deal with in the frst place? Calling these women “pick me’s” only pushes them down and further away. If they feel like they are being attacked by other women then the internalized hate they have towards their own gender will be even more justifed in their minds. It makes them feel more validated to hate on the other girls calling them names because they have been taught that women are just way too dramatic and sensitive. Women need to come together. Those who have successfully pulled themselves out of this misogynistic way of thinking should teach other women how to do so, not ridicule them for struggling to. If the people calling girls “pick me’s” had to also unlearn their own internal misogyny, then there should be a layer of understanding to these girls that are still stuck in it. Instead, we have allowed ourselves to fall back into the trap the patriarchy has set up for us for women to hate on other women. You can not preach a girl gang while also hurting other girls who have yet to break away from what they have been taught––acting like every main character in movies, TV shows, or books, the one who “is not like other girls.” This paradoxical way of acting causes more disdain among women. This is not an easy task, but if every “pick me” comment was replaced with one of attempting education and not judgment, maybe we could actually embody what it means for women to support women.

Illustration Lucia Thorne

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