the c(O)n(C)ious perio(D) of the nighttime Sophie Jonsson
If I don’t do this right something will happen. What I am doing and describing. K is the only one who knows about this. She suggested I write everything down so I can notice alll of the things that I am doing. Sort of like how really fit people keep records of everything they eat to say healthy. I need to stay healthy. I need to get healthy. If someone hears me something willl happen. I thought about handwriting this, but decided that would take too long. If I did that I would have to meticulously draw out every letter, making sure no lines were disconnected, and that everything was in a line. I do like the idea of controlling the size of what I say though. If it is small enough, maybe she will not be able to read it, or care enough to do it. I know she will though, at least she’s getting paid to. I’ll just make things small here. To share something is to risk losing it. And K was going to be reading it. I just have to make sure I lose the right thing. Nighttime started with turning off the television. We had a little square television, only about 10x10 inches. It was so old, it crackled when you turned it on and off. I would try to leave it alone. But then the feeling happens. The feeling that something has to be done. If I leave the television with remnants of crackle, the crackle will explode. I quickly press my hand to the screen and let the static connect my hand to the surface. I run my finger around the outline four times, hitting every corner to make sure all of the crackle is gone. I put my hand in the center and then run my fingers around the edges all the way around four times every night. K says I should try three times. And then two. And then one. And then I won’t do it anymore. I think I just won’t turn on the television anymore. I know I am irrational. People think things on the television are relatable. Relatability makes everything more interesting and worthwhile. I do not know if this is interesting or worthwhile. I suppose the things I do are not interesting or worthwhile. I know this. So I shouldn’t do them. I want to be relatable.
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