by Andy Palmer
TALES FROM THE VALE
The Enigma Machine, used to decode enemy messages during WWII. Probably not used for The Mates Test.
Tales From The Vale with Andy Palmer Coffee and punctures Great new coffee house in King’s Stag attached to the Green Man pub with an attractive almost Scandi-minimally-decorated interior. I was going to say that the outstanding feature is the enormous map of Dorset, dating from 1890 which covers an entire wall. It must be 20 x 8 feet couldn’t keep my eyes off it as I sipped my Flat White (not entirely sure what a Flat White is). But it’s not the café’s finest feature: the outstanding attraction is Catherine, the charmingly bespectacled manager who is warm, welcoming and efficient, as are her staff, Jade and Kim. The coffee is excellent and the baguettes and pastries, made in the pub’s kitchen, look enticing. But among the goodies on sale is something I’ve never seen in any other coffee house, and it’s probably not made in the kitchen; puncture repair kits for cyclists. ‘We’re in the middle of a hugely popular cycling area,’ Catherine explains. It makes perfect sense. There’s been real thought behind 20
this new business – well worth a visit. The wiser sex My mate James near Okeford Fitzpaine has got a new girlfriend, Sophie. This, in itself, does not come as a surprise as he’s mailed with similar news many times. ‘Come over for a coffee and meet her,’ he suggested. This is Man Speak for: could you check whether A - She is the most gorgeous, charming, elegant, witty woman in the world B - I’ve made a disastrous mistake And he generally wants an opinion within 10 minutes of me meeting the new girlfriend. Now, this could be a little tricky, me blurting out a decision about the lady while she is actually with us so, we’ve developed a totally foolproof and brilliant formula for me stating whether it’s answer A or B. If it’s answer A, after 10 minutes I’ll take a big swig of coffee and say, ‘A bloody good brew that’ or similar, but the first letter of the sentence is an ‘A.’
And if it’s answer B I’ll say, ‘By ‘eck, James, that’s good coffee.’ Clever stuff, you’ll agree: and as hard to fathom as Germany’s ‘impenetrable’ code during WWII. So, I went over and after 10 minutes I put my empty coffee mug down and said, with particular emphasis, ‘A bloody good coffee that.’ Sophie immediately laughed and said, ‘I’ve passed the mate test, then.’ James and I were astonished. ‘Oh God,’ Sophie said, highly amused at our embarrassment, and not in the slightest put out, ‘women do it all the time. The only difference is that we’re just that bit more subtle about it.’ James, suddenly remembering ‘a coffee’ a week earlier with Sophie’s mate, said, ‘did you do that with me when Anne came over?’ ‘Didn’t you know?’ Sophie asked with incredulity. James and I were too discombobulated to ask how women organise their mate tests (full report next issue, as they’re coming over for supper). We should have learnt from history: the German code was Always free - subscribe
