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Vol. 24, Issue 14
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4/30/14 - 5/7/14
THE ULTIMATE CINCO DE MAYO CELEBRATION
RIMA PARIKH WROTE THIS
In honor of Cinco de Mayo, the Delta Gamma house is paying homage to the Mexican holiday the right way: by celebrating with lots of mayonnaise. Coincidentally, the house is situated in the same neighborhood as all of the cultural houses, which adds to the celebration’s authenticity. By utilizing 1,449 pounds of mayo, the girls have created an extraordinary scene including a mayo pool, mayo barbeque, a mayo dunk tank, a create-your-own mayo jewelry booth and even a mayo fashion show. All of the festivities are open to the public. “We want to celebrate diversity and inclusion here at Illinois, and what better way to do that than partake in this super-fun holiday?” said Bridget, an esteemed DG. “And for the record, it’s not Mexican Independence Day. Let’s all get that straight, yeah? It’s time to stop the ignorance.” This week-long event primarily functions to educate the public about the story of Cinco de Mayo. According to their mayo-dipped pamphlets, it was the day that Americans brought mayo to the Mexican peasants, which finally civilized them. In an epic battle to declare the superiority of mayonnaise, they fought against the Mayans and their support of the primitive horseradish. After murdering all of the natives in a Trail of Tears-esque fashion, the American army took the remaining Mexican peasants to Chipotle and called it a day. It was cited to be “the best day ever in history.” “The only way to properly uphold the Mexican tradition is by dousing everything in a shitload of Hellmann’s,” another girl named Bridget in the house affirmed. “Ugh, stop looking so grossed out,” said a different girl named Bridget. “It’s not like we have just mayo — we have RumChata too. We’re not completely disgracing the Mexican people.” When questioned whether there was anyone of Mexican heritage in the sorority, one member — named Bridget — faltered. “I mean, one of our sisters, Bridget, once went to Pilsen by herself without getting attacked by a pitbull, so I think she’s part Mexican!” she said, recovering her disposition.
legedly, Lucinda was perfectly fine with these arrangements.
They are taking inclusion to the next level by allowing Lucinda, their immigrant Latina housekeeper, to participate in the week’s events. Her role in the celebration involves the girls repeatedly throwing her into the mayo pool as a re-enactment of the struggle, and the ultimate Mexican rebirth through the realization of the superiority of American mayo. Al-
Representatives from the La Casa Latino Cultural House were dumbstruck by the scene.
“I don’t really mind being objectified and degraded as a minority. At least it’s less shitty than being in Ciudad Juarez, you know? Also, I just really like mayo,” she smiled sweetly, dusting off the Slip-and-Slide with her face.
“I can’t believe they had the audacity to overshadow our Cinco de Mayo activity,” said La Casa member Maria Aguila, motioning towards a forlorn
red, white and green piñata hanging sadly from a tree. “No! No! No! They should’ve talked to us about this. We could’ve prevented this shitshow.” Other members of the organization were heard to be fuming things like “what the actual fuck” and “reasons why affirmative action needs to be a thing” under their breath while shooting glares at every Bridget in sight. “All of Nevada Street’s gotten a little messy, so yeah, we’re a bit upset,” said Heidi Davis, a member of the token cultural house that’s next door to the sorority. “But hey, at least it’s better than their Day of the Dead fiasco.”
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A LESSON ON CINCO DE MAYO TRADITIONS
Q&A WITH FAT SANDWICH'S HEAD CHEF
10 WAYS TO PROCRASTINATE FOR FINALS STUDYING
AN IN-DEPTH LOOK AT THE HISTORY OF THE HOLIDAY FROM A LATINO STUDIES MAJOR.
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The napping aftereffect of smoking entirely too much weed. Like, a lot.
“’Dude, I’m tombstoned,’ Tanner sighed, laying down the pipe, ‘I think I’m going to go nap for a while.’”
Hey Kitty Kat, I still haven’t found an apartment for next year. What do you think I should do? I’m considering just dropping out, going back home and taking online courses through University of Phoenix. That would probably be easier.
TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC • FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE! LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: UCONN HUSKIES
Thanks, Homeless History Major ---Dear Procrastinator,
STACHE SLUETH CAN YOU IDENTIFY THE MYSTERIOUS MAN WITH THE SWEET ‘STACHE?
LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: ZAC EFRON
How? How is this possible? Don’t you have friends to live with? Friends who said like, back in October, that it was time to start looking for a place? Hate to break it to you buddy, but you’re screwed. You’re going to end up at some off-campus mega-complex where you rely on shuttle buses or hitchhiking to get to class on time. I mean, if you’re looking for genuine advice here, check Facebook, Craigslist, maybe even a university housing page? Sure, it means staying in the dorms another year, but you did this to yourself. And I don’t feel sorry for you. But if you’re really set on this dropping out thing, I mean … go ahead? A degree from University of Phoenix is like, basically the same thing, right? You’re a history major so it’s not like you had much of a future anyway. Later, Kitty Kat
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A LESSON ON CINCO DE MAYO TRADITIONS THE GONZ WROTE THIS The following is an excerpt from an essay written for LLS 227 (Latina/Latino Studies: Latinas/Latinos in Contemporary US) by Ethan Fitzsimmons of Hinsdale, IL.: Cinco de Mayo, which is Spanish for “The Fifth of May,” is one of the most important Mexican holidays of the year. Like the Fourth of July, Cinco de Mayo is simply named because it is the celebration of a country’s independence, in this case, Mexican Independence Day. The Fifth of May commemorates the anniversary of the battle of the Alamo, which everyone remembers, was the final battle for independence against the Spanish. One of Mexico’s founding fathers, Che Guevara, was the first to celebrate Cinco de Mayo by inventing the red cotton t-shirt. Supporters of the t-shirt magnate can be seen on college campuses across the country. In contemporary times, people celebrate by drinking Mexican beer, such as Corona, Dos Equis, or Bud Light. Another popular beverage is the tequila shot. The invention of the tequila shot was originally a homage to the “shots” fired during the battle of the Alamo. The symbolic tradition of chasing the tequila with lime and salt started during the Mexican Revolution. The tricolor of the Mexican flag—green, white and red—are represented by the lime, salt and the color
of your face after drinking tequila. Cinco de Mayo is sometimes referred to as the “Mexican St. Patrick’s Day,” but instead of Irish Car Bombs, a popular drink is the “Drive By,” which is created by drinking at least 10 shots of tequila and subsequently pouring out a forty in memory of your blacked-out “compadres.” Dressing in traditional Mexican garb is also common during Cinco de Mayo. Sombreros and the Mexicanblanket sweaters commonly worn by hipsters are considered customary clothing for the ancient Mexican people. To find the best selection of traditional Mexican clothing, shop at retailers specializing in exotic apparel, such as Ragstock. Don’t hesitate to buy a pair of maracas. Maracas are the oldest known musical instrument from Mexico and therefore add historical accuracy of any Cinco de Mayo outfit. Some people ask how to know which restaurants are the best for traditional Mexican cuisine. Although Taco Bell is always a good option, look for restaurants that attract a large number of Hispanic people. In the city of Champaign, Maize is one of the better Mexican restaurants, despite its lack of seating. Torticas, previously only thought of as a drunk food restaurant, can substitute Maize if the latter is too crowded, which is all the time. Alternately, if fast service is your main
priority, the best option is Chipotle. The important concept to remember about ordering food at a Mexican restaurant is scheduling. Ask yourself, “When is the next time I will be close to a bathroom?” and order accordingly.
dients for even the most amateur footballer. If you and your amigos prefer a more stationary lifestyle, consider taking a “siesta” during midday. Simply take a break from your daily responsibilities and relax for several hours.
For Cinco de Mayo activities, soccer–or “football”–is one of many ways to entertain yourself and your “amigos.” Football is a popular sport because not much equipment is required. Simply a ball, a field, and the uncanny ability to fake an injury are all the ingre-
When asked to comment on the essay, Fitzsimmons said, “I stopped going to that class halfway through. All that information was what I learned in high school.” Ethan declined to comment on the grade the paper received.
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STUDY: EXAM SCORES SHOW STUDENTS' BRAINS ERODING FASTER THAN ALMA MATER STATUE Jupiter Stevens wrote this University of Illinois' annual statistician's repor t on semester exam grades show that students' brains have continued to erode at an accelerated pace. The spike in neurological erosion – or “neurosion” – has been on a dramatic rise since the early 2000s.
After Semester, Student Concludes Mitochondria Looks like a Vagina Jupiter Stevens wrote this The Black Sheep recovered a copy of freshman Jim Hessel's Biology final exam. The final question on the exam was, “What have you learned from this course?” Jim's answer might not have gotten him full credit: “Admittedly, my attendance has been low. But I would like to point out that, just like white blood cell counts, consistency is always a plus. So, I've got that going for sure. It's not that I don't want to come to class and watch you teach, Professor Robins. I mean, you're super hot. Only a fool wouldn't want to come to class every
day. It is a little hard to focus, though, imagining us having sex and all. In fact, that's really the only thing I remember from this course off the top of my head. Did you ever realize how much mitochondria look like little vaginas? I've brought this up in our discussion section multiple times, but our TA keeps telling me to 'shut up' and won't let me inject into the conversation. Yes, I used that word on purpose. The other students in the class just give me weird looks and say I'm 'disgusting' or whatever, but at least I'm contributing to the discussion on biology. It's not
my fault the regular shit they talk about is terribly uninteresting and irrelevant to my future. But when the next couple years of my life are going to consist of slappin' butts and bangin' sluts, I'd really rather talk about how that diagram of a mitochondrion looks like a total vag, you know? Sorry for applying myself.” The copy of the exam wasn't graded yet, but we can confirm with our Director of Common Sense, H.M. Krist, that the exam will not receive a favorable grade.
“The fact is, the students are about as smart as that statue over there,” Dr. Steven Temp told reporters, pointing at the Alma Mater across the street. “At least that thing will be around for a lot longer and we can polish it up when it gets a little rusty. The kids? Oh, they'll die. Probably all of them, according to our numbers which date back a few millions of years.”
“Look at these two, for instance. On the outside, it looks like they’re young and healthy, but according to the trend of their exam scores, they've got about three more years of brain power left before they turn up in a dumpster somewhere outside of Brooklyn.”
Dr. Temp went on to use a pair of students throwing rocks at the Alma Mater as an example of the university's findings:
The doctor also went on to point out that the Alma Mater statue's brain production has been consistent since its
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introduction to the campus in 1929. “Not once has the Alma Mater statue's brain showed signs of deviation from its initial rate of function,” Dr. Temp said. “The same can't be said for these students, let me tell you that. Last night, I saw one peeing into a hat on the corner of Fifth and Daniel, then his friend put it on. These are the type of people taking university-level exams next week.”
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FIVE REASONS WHY YOU HAVE BEEN FAILING IN JOB INTERVIEWS HEAVY METAL KRIST WROTE THIS
Loyal and ardent readers of The Black Sheep will know that we published an article a few weeks ago titled “Five Reasons Why You Haven’t Gotten an Internship Yet,” outlining the reasons why you couldn’t get an interview for a position. Some of you took that advice and are now getting interviews. That’s good! However, based on the letters you’ve sent us, you don’t appear to know how to conduct yourself in the interview once you get there. That’s bad! So to help you out, we’ve outlined what you’ve been doing wrong in interviews and how you can easily fix those problems: You keep showing up late to your interviews: First impressions are everything, and showing up late to your interview gives off the wrong kind of impression to your future employer. The interview start time isn’t a recommendation, it’s an appointment that you need to keep and show up on time for. This isn’t a U of I lecture; you can’t just stroll in whenever you please to grace the interviewer with your presence. Besides, in the working world, showing up late isn’t a right; it’s a privilege you have to earn. You need to put in your dues by arriving to your interview on time before you can start showing up to work half an hour late every day.
You are wearing Ed Hardy formal wear: In an interview, you have to dress to impress. For you, this means forgoing your usual outfit of an Unofficial 2012 bro tank and gym shorts in favor of something a little more professional; however, just because you own formal clothing doesn't mean it’s appropriate in a professional setting. Even though your date to the Tri Delt formal loved your tight-fitted black collared shirt with rose designs and pinstripe fedora by Ed Hardy, chances are your interviewer will not be as impressed by your sweet threads. Stick with a traditional suit and tie to appeal to your interviewer’s more conservative tastes. Only break out the Ed Hardy shirt if you know ahead of time you’re being interviewed by a woman and you need to show off the big guns, AKA your biceps. In that case, you can send off the message that you're well on your way towards having several sexual harassment suits filed against you in the future! You were “yourself” in the interview: One of the most common pieces of advice you’ll hear from people regarding interviews is that you should simply be yourself. The working theory behind that is that trying to act like you’re somebody you’re not will make you more nervous and
susceptible to slipping up at some point during the interview. This is good, but that bit of advice should come with a caveat: Be yourself WITHIN REASON. For example, it's okay to crack a joke or two over the course of an interview because it shows the interviewer that you have a sense of humor and are easygoing; however, it’s probably not a good idea to make a “DEEZ NUTS” joke, no matter how tempting it may be. You should also keep some of your accomplishments and personal viewpoints to yourself, such as your impressive feats of alcohol consumption, your preference for slutty women, and your belief that marijuana should be legal. Other parts of your personality you might want to modify or completely hide from the interviewer include: your tendency to fart in front of others, your habit of sticking your hands down your pants, and your natural inclination to focus on literally anything else in the room besides the person talking to you. You ate like a pig at lunch: All that interviewing has made everybody hungry and lucky for you, the employer is taking you out to lunch on her dime! The person hosting lunch says that they won’t judge you for anything you say or do at lunch, but
that’s a lie. Belching, eating without your utensils, and starting a food fight at the table across the restaurant are all surefire ways to not get hired. The host will also say you can order whatever you want on the menu, even the expensive items! That's also a lie, because your employer is totally going to be pissed when they look at their restaurant tab and see that some asshole ordered the $100 lobster in addition to another entrée and two desserts.
You’re consulting The Black Sheep for career advice: If you’re reading this as a source of advice for what you’re doing wrong in interviews instead of going to any of the numerous career centers on campus, then you’ve got problems that no advice column has the capability or space of taking on. I mean, come on, we don't have any future job prospects, and you’re coming to us for advice? The only actual worthwhile advice we can give you is to kick back, pop a beer, and enjoy FUN, payless unemployment with the rest of us.
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Q&A WITH
FAT SANDWICH’S HEAD CHEF LOUIS STEVENS WROTE THIS One of Champaign’s finest drunk-food establishments, Fat Sandwich, is home to greasy, messy and delicious sandwiches, wraps and other menu items that taste heavenly after 2 a.m. But who exactly is the culinary mastermind behind the creations such as the “Fat Idiot,” “Fat Bastard,” or “Fat MILF”? We got an exclusive interview with the creative genius himself, Kevin Sheenan, the head chef at Fat Sandwich, and you might be surprised who’s calling the shots back in the kitchen. The Black Sheep: Hello, Kevin. Why don’t you introduce yourself to our readers? Kevin Sheehan: I’m Kevin. I’m in second grade. My favorite movie is Kung Fu Panda 2 and my favorite food is chicken nuggets. TBS: Wow, I thought you’d be a lot older than that. Kevin: That’s what people say, but I’m only 7 years old. Hey, you have cool shoes ... mine light up! TBS: Thank you. Now Kevin, how did you end up getting the top job at Fat Sandwich?
Kevin: Well, one day my mommy said that I could make my own lunch for school and then when I did I used just a lot of my favorite foods and put them in a bun with ketchup and ate it and said “this is tasty!” And then my dad, well, he came home really late one night and he had drunken too much juice so he found a little bit of my sandwich in the fridge and he ate my sandwich and I was really mad at him because I was gonna be hungry for breakfast, but he said “Kevin this is a really good sandwich,” and I said, “I know, Daddy. I know how to make good food.” TBS: OK, so you liked the sandwich and your dad liked the sandwich. Then what? Kevin: Well, then my dad told me to make three more sandwiches but all three different this time, so I said “Okay,” and then we went around town asking food buildings to try our sandwiches but only one said yes and those were those big guys at Fat Sandwich and one of them said, “Hey Kevin, do you want to work here?” and I said “Okay” because I wanted a Call of Duty: Ghosts that week that was coming out so money buys video games, did you
know that? TBS: I did know that. Kevin: What school do you go to? Do you have a girlfriend? I have three girlfriends. TBS: Yeah, that’s great. So how do you come up with the ideas for the sandwiches? Kevin: One of the things that I do is I watch commercials from food places I like and combine things that I see like fries and burgers and ketchup and say, “Well, let’s put them all on the sandwich,” and we do that, and then I make them and my friends at the food store say “this is good” or “this is bad” and then I make a bunch of them, like 40 or 100 a day and then we sell them and people give us their money. TBS: And how about the names for them? Some of them are kind of inappropriate. Kevin: Inappropriate? TBS: Some are “no-no words.” Kevin: Oh yeah, well some of my friends here make up the words for the sandwiches and I just say “thumbs up” or “thumbs down” because sometimes I can’t
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really read all of them but when they are excited about one I say “thumbs up.” TBS: That makes sense. And how do you handle your schedule? I bet that you have a pretty early bedtime before Fat Sandwich’s busier hours. Kevin: Well, I make the sandwiches after school and after playtime, so when I’m done my daddy drives them to the store and I take a quick nap before I wake up again and then go to the shop and see my friends and some dizzy and dumb college people come in and yell and fall down a lot. TBS: Yeah, those are the ones who had too much juice. Kevin: Yeah, but I drink juice all the time
right before nap time and I never feel dizzy. I just spill some over the kitchen sometimes. TBS: Maybe they’re drinking different juice. So what’s your favorite sandwich that you make? Kevin: I would have to say the one with the fries and chicken fingers and mustard and ketchup and the greasy onions and stuff. That one I like because it’s all of the food groups mixed in one. TBS: Not sure if that’s accurate, Kevin. Kevin: Oh, my mommy drives an Acura! What kind of car do you drive? TBS: We've gotta' go...
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OPINION
THE
TOP
TEN
WAYS TO PROCRASTINATE FINALS STUDYING TEX MEX WROTE THIS
Well, it’s that time of the semester again, kiddies. Just as summer hype rears its beautiful head, the dim prospect of finals week slaps you across the face like a sentient brick wall that goes by the name of “IMMINENT FAILURE.” Naturally, it’s only a matter of time before BuzzFeed and borderline illiterate Tumblr bloggers are going to start posting lists on the best ways to study. Here at The Black Sheep, we like to keep our dismal realities in check, especially when it comes to being legitimately productive. Straight from the kings and queens of hardcore bullshitting, here are our most effective methods to procrastinate for finals.
Hipsters Need to Shut the Hell Up About
AMERICAN FOOTBALL LOU SANUS WROTE THIS
Over the past couple of weeks, there has been much ado among the University of Illinois hipster population about the return of American Football this fall to Champaign. While it’s great news, sports fans across campus would be well-served if these flannel-wearing assholes would shut the hell up, go back to their houses in Urbana, and listen to their Vampire Weekend vinyl. First off, real football fans don't refer to it as “American Football.” It’s just football — we live in America, not some bitch country like France. Soccer is soccer, football is football, and that’s that. You'd have to be a seriously un-American moron to actually specify what kind of football you were watching. Secondly, do these beanie-wearing bozos not realize that football takes a break called the offseason every year? Have they ever heard of the playoffs? Or summer training? Yeah, football's return is exciting, but it happens regularly. Like, every damn year. These hipsters need to brush the cigarette ash out of their eyes and learn the game's simple cycle. On top of that, they’re claiming that American Football originated in Champaign in 1997, which is the most idiotic thing since Chancellor Wise didn’t cancel school that one time when it was really cold. Everyone who knows anything knows that football traces its origins back to Yale in the late 1800’s, over 100 years earlier than these PBR-drinking schmucks are telling people. Hell, if one of these people got on the Internet and looked up “Super Bowl” on Bing (Google is probably too mainstream), they could see video proof of the game being played decades in the past. I mean, really — what do they think people are talking about when they rave about the '85 Bears? That Lincoln Park Zoo fiasco in 1985 when the bears
escaped their pen and brutally mauled that group of second graders? No! They also keep bringing up how heart-wrenching and depressing American Football is. The worst part is that these sick masochists actually like feeling depressed by it. Excuse me? Football is about cheering and getting so drunk at the game that you throw up all over the idiotic Green Bay fan sitting in front of you. The last thing it should make you do is curl up in a ball and vomit your forgotten teenage angst. Many of these hipsters also won't stop shitting themselves over some player named Mike Kinsella. I checked all the rosters for professional, collegiate, and even a few local high schools, and I can’t find anything on him. Football is a sport where the best players are known and known for a reason. Leave it to those vegan dickwads to not shut up about a player that nobody’s ever heard of. They need to scrub the Pitchfork out of their ears and understand that there's no such thing as an unknown player that’s better than the rest. These assholes also keep taking pictures in front of a plain white house in Urbana. I'm pretty sure that's considered trespassing (along with just being fucking creepy). I'd appreciate it if someone filled me in on the house's relevance to football. I asked some fruitcakes around Urban Outfitters to explain it to me, and one of them started talking about some album cover. I think he was high. All in all, the misconceptions that hipsters on campus have about “American Football” are both disgusting, embarrassing, and downright annoying. For the sake of the campus' sanity, these degenerates should go back to playing hacky sack on the quad. It's time to leave sports to the real men on campus.
10.) Understand Your Limits: Just be honest with yourself. Don’t make a to-do list, make notecards, or get a head start on that paper. It’s a scientific fact that humans can only take on so much mental stress before our tiny brains turn to irreparable mush, so why bother even thinking about something you won’t be taking seriously until hours before its due? That little voice in your head that implores you to leave Firehaus before things get out of hand? Drown it with the rest of that fishbowl and be your own leader in your academic downfall. 9.) Netflix Roulette: You’re done with Breaking Bad and Mad Men, but the wide world of Netflix is absolutely thriving with content to dive headfirst into while leaving your responsibilities at the door. If there were ever a more appropriate time to put a dent in those “Screwball Comedies” or “Movies Featuring an Epic Nicolas Cage Meltdown” categories, there’s really no time like the night before your upcoming 8 a.m. exam. 8.) Facebook Old Friends to “Catch Up”: Unless you came from a high school where half of your goddamn senior class ended up at U of I, this method’s pretty handy if you enjoy a heaping dose of “no-shame” alongside your marathon slack-off session. That person you were always too beta to ask out? Send them a “Hey, I was just thinkin’ about ya ;).” That next-door-locker acquaintance you spoke to for a combined four minutes in high school? Chat ‘em up with a “Hey, so like … why don’t we talk more???” Just tell yourself you’re planting the seed for some summertime delight—this is productivity of an entirely different manner, dude. 7.) Stare at a Blank Word Doc: This is a pastime that universally applies to pretty much every writer on The Black Sheep. Many see a blank page as a canvas waiting to take on the expansive inner machinations that the beautiful human mind is capable of expressing. We see it as a daunting, whitened void where a distinct lack of humorous creativity goes to shrivel up and die. Your RHET 105 paper can come along for the ride, too. 6.) Organize Menial Shit of No Importance: That’s right! You too can experience what every Adderall-craving student ends up doing at 3:43 in the morning! Your roommate’s medicine cabinet? Consider that alphabetized! The rotting vegetables in the fridge crisper? They would look way better color-coded and organized by length! Just think of that rush of self-accomplishment when you finally uncover the perfect direction to face your furniture for the sixth time. East, man! It’s east! 5.) Eat Like a Death Row Candidate: In a sense, every time you eat before heading over to bomb a final is a “last meal” of sorts. With this in mind, there’s really no reason not to completely eat twice your weight in late-night “study fuel” before your impending scholastic execution. Treat that trip to Fat Sandwich like The Last Supper — there’s no reason why mac n’ cheese bites shouldn’t be included with your Fat Magnum. Carb-loading helps you study. 4.) Overdose on Coffee: It was totally the right idea to keep piling on the caffeine because hey if your brain is moving faster you can take in more information in a shorter amount of time which totally means that you actually need to devote less time to studying than if you didn’t drink that 14th cup of coffee so you can start at 3 a.m. no problem because you’ll be really awake and willing to take in all that information in time for that final for sure. 3.) Pretend to do Research on the Internet: Hey, human sexuality can be a confusing subject for someone like yourself—there’s only one way to figure out where penises go. It’s called online research, and you’re all for it. How do you cite a streaming video in a paper? 2.) Have an Existential Crisis: Who are we, really? Is it who we portray ourselves to be in public, or who we are in our dark private moments? Yeah, totally think about that for 8 hours. 1.) Call Your Parents: Oh god, you must be really desperate.
PAGE 10
HOW GRADUATING COLLEGE IS JUST LIKE BECOMING A SOPHOMORE KITTY KAT WROTE THIS
You’re a senior, about to graduate and step out into the real world where you’ll be making over 75K a year and spending your weekends lavishly dining and drinking in the city’s finest establishments. You’re gonna have it all. You’re a freshman, about to become a sophomore. You’re ready for a year full of
underage bar stamps without shitty RAinduced quiet hours every night. Things are gonna get wild. Funny thing is that you’re both wrong. Moving up a step in the underclassmen ladder is just about as cool as moving out of your parents’ home … only to end back there a few years later when you realize
you hate your job. These two major life transitions have a lot more in common than you may think. And before you enjoy that ride up there on your high horse, let us cut you down a few levels and remind you that you’re still an insignificant speck in the universe. You Still Won’t Have Any Money: This shouldn’t be a surprise. You won’t have a regular job as a sophomore, and any gig you get after graduation will be a poorlypaid internship fetching coffee for 40+ hours each week. The only benefit for the sophomores here is that they can call home, and mom and dad will send a cool $20 their way. If you’re a grad, you’re on your own, buddy. You cut the money ties as soon as you walked across the stage and grabbed your diploma. Maybe it’s time to take out a loan? Ew, adult stuff. You’ll Still Eat Ramen Three (or More) Times a Week: Becoming a sophomore means no more dorms and no more cafeteria food. Even though you plan on grilling steaks on your George Foreman every night, you’re gonna get your nutrition from microwave noodles because cooking has never really been
your forte. Ramen was a great late-night snack freshman year when you didn’t know any better, but as a sophomore, you’ll get a bit creative—ramen with shredded cheese? Sure! Stuffed inside this leftover D.P. Dough? Yum! And as a recent grad, you’re not going to have more than $5 to your name (remember the whole money thing?), and you’ve already promised that to your landlord. Looks like ramen it is! It’s cheap and not too terrible for you if you only put in half the flavor packet… right? You Still Won’t Run Shit: You’re no longer a freshman! You’re hot shit now! You’ve got a job in Chicago and you get to take the Metra every day! Everybody, look at this badass! No. You’re not gonna bring back girls every night to your new apartment on Springfield, and the Metra doesn’t have WiFi so how cool can it really be? As a sophomore, you’re experiencing one of the more tame years of school. You’re probably dating some guy you met in your dorm freshman year, and you’re finally gonna buckle down and pick up those grades. And if you just graduated, you’re still at the bottom of the pack wherever you end up. Don’t get ahead of yourself.
You’ll Still Be Best Friends With Netflix: Wow, drink prices in the city are a lot higher than campus. Looks like it’s another Friday night in! Ugh, another calculus exam on Monday? Looks like it’s another Friday night in. You Still Won’t Know Your Way Around the Gym: After a year of gaining the freshman fifteen, the ARC is still a strange, mysterious place for a chubby sophomore. Once you finally get your ass in there to pathetically pump on the elliptical for twenty minutes, you’ll feel everyone’s eyes d rillinginto the back of your head as you forget to wipe off your machine and take too long at the water fountain. Awkward. Then there are the recent graduates who now need to get a pass at a real gym (Planet Fitness, anyone?). Where are the sweaty basement frat boys? The basketball players having a dunk contest? And what do you mean it’s $60 per month?! Now that we’ve made you feel terrible about yourself, go have a drink. It’s on us. Sorry, but that’s life. You’re a grown-up now. You can handle it.
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The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT
EVERY DAY! $2.75 Landshark and Bud Light Light, $2.50 Bud Light, $2.50 Jose Cuervo and Jose Cuervo Cinge
Saturday's Shows: ILLROCK BLOCK PARTY featuring CHIDDY BANG, SHWAYZE and more! AFTERSET with MIDNIGHT CONSPIRACY! facebook.com/illrockblockparty for more info!
SENIOR BAR CRAWL Starts Saturday at Noon www.SeniorBarCrawl.com for more information!
SATURDAY! Wicked Walls, $7, 10pm w/ Withershins and Suns
SENIOR BAR CRAWL Starts Saturday at Noon www.SeniorBarCrawl.com for more information!
Wednesday 4/30
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs
TRITONAL and PARIS BLOHM with KYRAL X BANKO, HEESH and RAMI MOON
$2 Long Islands $2 Wells $2 Bud Light Bottles
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Bud Mug Night! You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug!
Thursday 5/1
$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks, $2 Fireball $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys $3 Long Islands $5 Domestic Pitchers
MUZZY with MARVEL YEARS and KROOKED DRIVERS
$1 FIREBALL $3 Vegas & Jager Bombs $4 ICE BOMBS
DJ Kosmo, FREE, 10pm
$4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers HALF PRICE BURGERS from 7:30pm-10pm $2 WELLS, Half Price Whiskey
Friday 5/2
$2 Jager Bombs, $2 Wells $2.5 Miller Lt/Coors Lt $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Three Olives Premium LITs $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
THIS MUST BE THE BAND Tribute to TALKING HEADS with DJ NO DJ
OPEN AT 5pm FREE GRILLED CHEESE and Chips with the purchase of any beverage
Say Reggae! $2, 8pm w/ Mr F!, Sticky Wells, Christopher Homicide, and The Grape Apes
BLACKHAWKS PLAYOFFS Watch Every Game Here! $3.99 Haus Fries, $6 Bud Light 40's, $3 Captain Morgan, $3 Jim Beam
Saturday 5/3
$2 Jager Bombs, $3 Wells $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
ILLROCK BLOCK PARTY featuring CHIDDY BANG, SHWAYZE and more! AFTERSET with MIDNIGHT CONSPIRACY! facebook.com/illrockblockparty for more info!
Senior Bar Crawl FREE GRILLED CHEESE and Chips starting at 6pm with the purchase of any beverage
Wicked Walls, $7, 10pm w/ Withershins and Suns
Senior Bar Crawl Starts here are Noon! $3.99 Pretzel Bites $5 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho
BLACKHAWKS PLAYOFFS Red Beer on Tap for Every Hawks Game! $2 ANYTHING SUNDAYS! Every Liquor...Every Beer..$2! $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings
Sunday 5/4
Closed
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Book your Next Party at Clybourne! Contact us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Monday 5/5
Mason Jar Monday $2 Double Wells $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts $5 Budweiser & Bud Light Pitchers
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY! $1 Drink Specials! $2 Manolos Pizza specials!
$1 U CALL ITS $2 Voli Premium Vodka
Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com
Tuesday 5/6
$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts *Not all Beers included* $2 Shot of the Week
$2 Real Long Islands! CAMPUS COMEDY SHOWCASE: Early! Live comedy from some of CU's funniest! THE PIANO MAN BAND: Late! Playing all your favorites!
WINE NIGHT! $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Svedka Bottles $2 Bottles of Wine
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots
4-10pm: $2.99 Cheeseburgers $2 WELLS Half Price Sharkbowls
Wednesday 5/7
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs
JESSICA HERNANDEZ & THE DELTAS with THE 92s and A COOL HAND
$2 Long Islands $2 Wells $2 Bud Light Bottles
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Bud Mug Night! You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug!
Pop Culture Trivia Night Trivia is at 7:30pm
$1 Bud Light Drafts Half Price Appetizers 4pm-10pm
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 DOWNTOWN
Friday and Saturday: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Pre-Derby Gala! Red Carpet Party, Big Hats, Great Drinks $4 Makers Mark Mint Juleps $3 Jim Beam Drinks Photo Booth and Giveaways
$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
Frattle Finale! $1,000 to the Winner $2,500 in Cash & Prizes $1.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Blue Guys
$2 Bud Light (Drafts) $2 Captain $2 Jager Bombs
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
Klub Kam’s DJ “3xceed” 10pm $2 Lite/Coors Lt Bottles $3 Blue Guys
$3 Jim Beam, $3 Pinnacle $6 Summer Shandy Pitchers
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Pre-Derby Gala! Red Carpet Party, Big Hats, Great Drinks $4 Makers Mark Mint Juleps $3 Jim Beam Drinks Photo Booth and Giveaways
Watch the Hawks at Guido's!
De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola
$6 Lunchbox Pitchers $3 Bacardi Drinks $3 American Harvest Derby on the Big Screen!
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Derby Day Party Open 11am $2 Bud Lt Bottles $3 Bourbon Dinks $2 Jager & Jager Spice Shots
Sunday 5/4
$5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
$11 Build Your Own Bucket (BYOB), $2 Jager Bombs $2 Don Q and Blackbeard
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Sunday Funday! $2 U Call Its
Monday 5/5
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
Cinco de MNJ! $2 Bud Platinum Bottles $2 Smirnoff Drinks/Shots $3 RBV with Smirnoff
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Cinco de Mayo $2.50 Mexican Beers & Cuervo! Corona - Modelo - Victoria Dos - Pacifico $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers
Tuesday 5/6
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
Tequila Tuesday and 8th Grade Dance! $2 Blue Moon $2 Cuervo featuring Cinge All 90s, All Night!
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Country Night! $1 Coors Btls $2 Red Stag Flavors $2 Moonshine
Wednesday 5/7
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
Blue Guy Party $3 Blue Guys $1.50 Bud Bottles
SPECIAL NIGHT
EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas
Risque Thursday! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
Wednesday 4/30
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Thursday 5/1
$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada
Risque Thursday! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
DJ Delayney at 10pm, $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 w/ Student ID
Saturday 5/3
Friday 5/2
Watch the Hawks on our 5 Brand New 70in TVs, Plus Our 2 Big Screens!
If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page! The Bar Grid Page 3 of 3 FRIDAY! $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it
THIS SATURDAY! 3rd Annual Corona de Mayo! $2 Coronas, $2 Red, White and Green Margaritas $3 El Jimador and Cuervo Shots, $1 Tacos ALL DAY!
SPECIAL NIGHT
$2 Sailor Jerry $2 Pinnacle Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Karaoke Night! $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, NEVER COVER!!!
Wednesday 4/30
$2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints, $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Bacardi and Malibu Singles, $5 Jameson Doubles, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb
SHACKER NIGHT! $5 SHACKERS with Monster Energy, $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles
Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime
1/2 off Sandwiches after 4pm Das Boot! $3 Boot, $5 Fill All Drafts (except Guinness) $3 Jim, Jack and Soco, $2 Horse-Chata
Thursday 5/1
$3 Sam Adams Family Pints $2.50 Wild Turkey Singles $5 Skyy Doubles, $2.50 Cuervo & Blackbeard Shots $4 Jager Bombs
$1 FRATTY NATTY BOTTLES, $1 Burnetts Vodka, $3 Jager Bombs
$4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it
1/2 Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM $2.50 Coronas $3.50 Bacardi Flavors
Friday 5/2
$2 U Call It $4 Pitchers
3rd Annual Corona de Mayo! $2 Coronas, $2 Red, White and Green Margaritas $3 El Jimador and Cuervo Shots, $1 Tacos ALL DAY!
Saturday 5/3
Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks
Purchase any regular priced draft pint and receive you're free 45th Logo While supplies last!
SENIOR BAR CRAWL Starts Saturday at Noon www.SeniorBarCrawl.com for more information!
$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night! Blue Moon, $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles, $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs
Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks
BIG FRIDAY! No Cover Charge
SOLO CUP SATURDAY! No Cover Charge
$2.50 Jameson Singles Open at Noon $5 Bacardi and Malibu Doubles $2 Long Islands $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots Live Music in the Afternoon $4 Jager Bombs Welcome Senior Bar Crawl!
Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts
Trivia Starts @ 10pm! $2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Orchata and Dr McGillicuddy, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb
Book Your Next Party at Red Lion! Contact Us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Closed Eat some chicken strips at Papa D's!
11am - 3pm: Rehab Breakfast $3 Bloody Mary's, $1 Domestics & Wells
Sunday 5/4
"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports
Bar Bingo Starts @ 10pm $3 Blue Moon and Angry Orchard Pints, $2.50 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Singles, $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles, $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots
Monday Night Lion $1 WELLS, $2 Sailor Jerry $3 MEV's (Monster Energy & Vodka)
$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)
1/2 Off Burgers! $1 Wells, Domestic Drafts and Shots
Monday 5/5
$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts
$4 Guinness, Smithwicks and Triptych Pints, $2.50 Blackbeard Rum and Jim Beam Singles, $2.50 Fireball and Orchata, $2 Old Style, PBR, Schlitz, Miller Lite Tall Boys
SENIOR NIGHT! Must be 21 to Enter! $2 Long Islands
$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)
$1 Tacos ALL DAY! $4 Bacardi Buckets $2 Drafts
Tuesday 5/6
$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night! Summer Shandy $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs
$2 Sailor Jerry $2 Pinnacle Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Karaoke Night! $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, NEVER COVER!!!
Wednesday 5/7
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ON THE STREETS WHAT’S THE WEIRDEST THING YOU’VE EVER PUT IN YOUR MOUTH? Scotty, Senior
“I wouldn’t put something weird in my mouth. That’s not frat.”
Tyler, Senior
“A pee-nus.”
Kelly, Senior
“Pub snacks stolen from BBD’s house.”
BARTENDERS of the WEEK Relationship Status: Mingling Major: Psychology Favorite Drink: Johnny Walker Black Label Disgusting Drink: Pickle sunrise What’s the best summertime drink?: O’Douls What’s the first thing you’re going to do when you're done with finals?: Get swole, bro. If you had a clone, what would be the weirdest thing you’d make it do?: Go to KAM’S. If you were named mayor of Champaign, what would be the first thing you’d do?: Close Red Lion. If you could have something named for you after you die, what would it be?: Yoga pants What’s the worst prank you’ve seen someone pull at a party?: Skol shots Assuming you had to get a tattoo on your forehead, what would it be?: I <3 Grace Haka. What new slang word are you tired of hearing?: Lawlz What 90s nostalgia is criminally underrated?: Legends of the Hidden Temple. Blue Barracudas all day. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: 'Cause The Daily Illini blows.
Sean of Legends
DRINKING GAME
Darija of Kam's
Relationship Status: Depends who’s asking Major: Seeking a MRS degree Favorite Drink: Blue Guy Disgusting Drink: Red Lion Shacker or Joe’s Gatorade What’s the first thing you’re going to do when you're done with finals?: Skinny dip at Roland Pool. If you had a clone, what would be the weirdest thing you’d make it do?: Have a threesome with me and Sean O’Neill. If you could have something named for you after you die, what would it be?: A Silvermine sub. What’s the worst prank you’ve seen someone pull at a party?: Asked the party to leave and go to Lion. Assuming you had to get a tattoo on your forehead, what would it be?: DTF What new slang word are you tired of hearing?: SWAG or BAE What 90's nostalgia is criminally underrated?: The Baha Men Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I heard Grace Haka gives out free handyj’s to anyone who takes a copy.
RECIPE for DISASTER
Piñatas and Patrón
Seven-Layer Taco Dip
If these aren’t the first things that come to mind when someone says “Cinco de Mayo,” then you’re definitely doing the holiday wrong. Get your amigos, a bottle of tequila and a baseball bat together in the same room and have a good time! What could go wrong?
In honor of Cinco de Mayo, we present to you a recipe from the forgotten food group: dips and salsas. Traditionally, this dip is eaten with chips, but we won’t tell if you just want to dig in with your bare hands. It’s better that way.
What You’ll Need: A bottle of Patrón, a piñata full of your favorite candy, a baseball bat, a blindfold and shot glasses. Number of Players: As many as you want. Level of Intoxication: Bruised and boozed, baby!
What You’ll Need: 1 can of refried beans, 1 package of cream cheese (softened), 1 container of sour cream, 1 jar of salsa, 1 tomato, 1 green pepper, 1 small head of lettuce, 1 small can of sliced black olives, 2 cups of shredded cheddar cheese, and 1 package of taco seasoning mix. Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: Who cares, it’s the end of the school year.
How to Play: - Find a spot to hang your piñata. Get your engineering friends to help you with this. - Have everyone stand in a circle around the piñata. - Randomly pick someone to go first (rock-paper-scissors, whatever you want to do) and blindfold them. - This person has three chances to hit the piñata with the baseball bat while blindfolded. One person controls the rope of the piñata and can move it up or down to mess the person up. The other people in the circle should probably move out of the way for this … - Out of the three chances to hit the piñata, the blindfolded player has to take a shot of tequila for every miss. - Once he or she has taken the shots, the next person in the circle puts on the blindfold. The player who was just blindfolded now gets to control the rope. The Game Ends When: The piñata is busted open or someone gets hit with the bat. Please don’t let that happen.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Get a big-ass dish for your dip. - In the bottom of the pan, spread the beans and taco seasoning. - In another bowl, mix together the sour cream and cream cheese, then spread them on top of the beans. - Add the next layer—the whole jar of salsa. - Chop up the tomato and bell pepper and sprinkle them on top of the salsa. - Pull apart the lettuce and lay that on next. - Top the dip with shredded cheese and black olives and dig in! We’re not really sure if this is seven layers or not. It depends on how you look at it. So, just to be safe, throw some tacos and guacamole on top too.
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PAGE 17
BOOZE REVIEW TULLAMORE DEW IRISH WHISKEY
Here’s the dealio: At The Black Sheep, we love whiskey. In fact, your ol’ pal Tex Mex here has a habit of ingesting so much straight whiskey to the point where he doesn’t just get “whiskey hangover” drunk, but rather “poorly impersonating Jim Morrison” drunk. Tullamore Dew Irish Whiskey didn’t really show us the way to the next whiskey bar, but it wasn’t a mangy dumpster-diving dog either. Which reminds us that we pretty much picked this guy off the shelf because the logo is disturbingly close to depicting two dogs performing ass-to-mouth … that has to count for something.
reference Jurassic Park hours later, perverts who actually gave the ass-to-mouth dog drawing a second glance.
Smells Like: Pretty standard fare for whiskey, meaning it’s probably good enough to drink it through your nose assuming flawed human anatomy doesn’t get in the way.
Best Described as a Dewey Decimal System Number: 641.252
Tastes Like: What we assume morning dew in Tullamore, Ireland tastes like, which is fucking gorgeous if you have the spare moment to Wikipedia the town. Feels Like: The treasure at the end of a rainbowcolored stream of vomit coming out of your mouth.
GRADE: B WRITTEN BY: TEX MEX
Typical Drinkers: Local rabble-rousers in Ireland looking for some Galway Girls to court, folks who understand that Jack Daniel’s is about as overrated as the entire state of Tennessee (it’s not like the CMT Awards help, country fans), people who pick liquors for their amber hue just to drunkenly
User Comments: “Wait, are those dogs doing ass-to-mouth?” “Could I have ‘tullamore’ of this whiskey? Yeah, no, I’ll stop.” “I’m feeling a light to strong ‘B’ on this one for at least getting the job done.” “Let’s get corporate to fund a trip to Tullamore next week. I’m free on Wednesdays.”
What a Disgruntled Leprechaun Would Say if He Saw You Drinking This: “Stop forcing Irish jokes into this review. They’re almost as bad as this creepy obsession with the ass-to-mouth dogs you’ve been referencing incessantly.” Food Pairing Suggestions: Months-old Christmas cookies, the large pizza you’ll inevitably wake up next to in the morning, grapes. You’ll Like This if You Like: A reasonably priced whiskey that doesn’t really try to “wow” you while doing its job – much like the chore of a bootie call you’ve been hitting up. We Mixed it With: Coke, Diet Coke, 7-UP.
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PAGE 18
CINCO DE STUCK UP SAMMIE SEA WROTE THIS One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor! It wouldn’t be an embellished Mexican holiday without American’s taking advantage of an opportunity to get drunk and make questionable decisions. Yet, amidst all the excitement surrounding the upcoming Cinco de Mayo weekend, there are skeptics who doubt the authenticity of those who claim to be honoring Mexican traditions. Such suspicion has lead to countless protests held by UIUC Spanish majors to deport the holiday back to where it came from. Over the past few weeks, students at the university have been stocking up on everything from Tostitos to Jose Cuervo in preparation for the big day. Additionally, lines outside of Chipotle have become even more outrageous, extending back to the Alma Mater as students purchase obscene amounts of burritos and gauc in order to curb massive drunchies come May 5. “We’re really trying to be, like, authentic … you know what I mean?” commented LAS student Rachel Dranch, “We just really want to be Illini inclusive and stuff!” While many students are embracing the holiday as an American tradition, others are less than thrilled by the abrupt interest in Mexican culture, especially junior Spanish major, Karly Supertino. Supertino, along with other Spanish majors, has begun a coalition against the fair-weather Mexican fanatics. The highest value of the group is held in their
slogan: “We liked Mexican culture way before you did.” From what seems like fear of losing their identifier on campus as Spanish majors, the coalition has held multiple rallies on the Quad urging students to keep Mexican holidays in Mexico. “Mexico used to be our thing,” Supertino said when questioned about the motivation for forming the coalition. “I’ve slaved away at learning this language and culture since my first year of middle school, and I’m not about to have it all thrown away by drunken parades of fake Mexi-holics downing Lime-A-Ritas!” Since Monday, sources closest to Supertino have commented that she has become unbearable due to her constant attempts to upstage everyone about Mexico. There has also been speculation that she even changed her last name to Supertiño to prove how figuratively Mexico runs in her blood. It was reported that on Tuesday during KAM’S country night, Supertiño took the word “country” quite literally as she wore a China Poblana dress in support of Mexico’s folk dance called Jarabe Tapatío. When questioned about her outfit, Supertiño supposedly replied, “You really want me to explain centuries worth of Mexican tradition?” snobbishly spinning away. When offered a Blue Guy, Supertiño refused on the grounds that she would only drink horchata spiked with Kahlúa from now on.
“Karly used to be the life of the party,” stated Supertiño’s boyfriend, Dan Weiser. “Now, all we do is fight about how I don’t roll my 'Rs' properly or my refusal to eat mescal-soaked worms!” Since its formation, the coalition has gained 20 supporters, all of whom seem to have misinterpreted the focus of the group as “anti-immigration.” Racist remarks by the new members have caused uproar from the Mexican Student Association as well as the entire department of Latina/Latino Studies at the university. Due to their involvement with the group, all
Spanish majors have been put on academic probation indefinitely, causing many graduating seniors to lose their impending teaching jobs. While it might not be a traditional Mexican holiday, the MSA is still encouraging students to celebrate Cinco de Mayo as it shows support for our neighbors down south. “Even if you’re a hipster of the Mexican fashion, competing in a Mexican trivia game is nothing but a buzzkill,” they said. “Sit your ass down, eat some pan dulce and finish that margarita. Odelay!”
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PAGE 19
A LETTER FROM A FOOTBALL PLAYER’S MOM
REGARDING THE NEW UNIFORMS WINNIE BAGO WROTE THIS
Dear Illini Athletics, Surprise, surprise. My football player son, Timmy, has already stained his new uniforms. Thanks a lot, University of Illinois. Whose bright idea was it to get new uniforms anyway? I still haven’t gotten the stains out of the last set. Timmy told me it was “urgent” to get the stains out. It just had to be done so that he could look “hella-fresh on the field.” What does that even mean? You would not believe the stains I have tried to remove from his uniforms. This time it was ketchup. There have been plenty of grass and dirt stains. Blood was one of the hardest to get out. He’s also ruined his uniforms with coffee, permanent marker, something called “Blue Guys,” and something that looked like icing from when he said his friend Monica came to visit. What makes the new uniforms worse
are the colors. Blue and orange are understandable. After all, we are the Fighting Illini. But the dyes the manufacturers use in the clothes are atrocious. Every year, the uniforms stain the other clothes in the washer. All it would take to fix this idiotic mistake is a small label on the inside of the uniform that reads, “Wash alone or suffer eternal frustration and a loss of faith in the twelve-year old Chinese kid that probably made this thing.” Don’t get me started on the white uniforms, though. Those are the most damning of all the evidence that the new uniforms were a horrible decision. White is like the flypaper of colors. Wait, let me put that comparison in words that college students would understand. (My little Timmy certainly doesn’t know what flypaper is. Have you seen the fruit flies infestation in his apartment?!) White is like the hickey on your neck. You can try to hide the marks all you want, but they will never disappear when you want them to disappear.
White uniforms are not just hard to get the stains out of. The white uniforms are immoral. Making football players wear white uniforms is as preposterous as brides today wearing white gowns on their wedding days. The white isn’t going to make your virginity suddenly reappear. While I am not proud of my son’s sexual activities, I am proud to say that I raised a son who does not let his pants sag below his butt. I’ve bought him more than enough belts to make sure of that. I would appreciate it if the university did not put him in a uniform that is see-through when he is playing in the rain. I do not need to see men’s undies as they trot across the field. It takes a lot of work to keep my son’s uniforms in pristine condition. Timmy is certainly not going to do the laundry himself. Even if he did, I’m sure the dorms' laundry facilities do not use purified water, or even a hint of love. I don’t even trust the supply managers on the team. Do they diligently sit next
to the washer and dryer to make sure the clothes are washed for the perfect amount of time, at the most ideal temperature, during the best part of the day? Would they prevent them from succumbing to horrendous wrinkles? Do they even understand the delicacy of the art of laundry? I think not. My baby boy is a national television star. When his grandma and grandpa watch the games, I want them to see the glow of his uniforms while he warms the bench. Because he warms that bench like a hero.
So, University of Illinois Athletics, please don’t put me through this year after year. I’ve had to replace my washer and dryer set six times now, thanks to you. I have to buy new ones each time he gets new uniforms so that nothing that has leaked into crevices will interfere with the uniforms getting a super-thorough wash. Just leave Timmy's damn uniform alone, if only for my sanity. Insincerely, A Mommy Tired of Doing Laundry
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PAGE 23
DRUNK REVIEWZ PRESENTS: “THE GRADUATION SONG (FRIENDS FOREVER)” STRAWBERRY SHORTCOCK WROTE THIS Hey kids, it’s me again, your drunk reviewer Straberry Shortycock. This week on Drunk Reviews, I’ll be reviewing the song “Graduation (Friends Forever)” by Vitamin C, because I’m a drunk senior and I might actually cry while watching this YouTube video. The bars will be playing this song every night until the big day of graduation, so you might as well watch a lyric video or two in preparation for that. Cry now, not later, nerds.
smoke and ashes comes the fuckking creepiest Misty from pokemon co-splayer I’ve ever seen in my life. Not sexy. She looks like a night troll. I think this is Vitamic C, and she likes to head nod and mouth lypsinc to the song. The girl who looks like Buffy (but now I think she’s less sexy than Buffy but is much more sexy than the creepy red haired lady) spends most of the video staring at a man behind a locker. Is he a vampyre??
The music video starts off with Buffy, and I’m already really nostalgic because I watched Buffy as a boy and loved it. And then a high five between bro friends. I wish I had been in a frat so that I could high five bros when I graduate. This movie video is really sad, already.
(someone tell this bitch we graduate in MAY NOT JUNE). (Periods go outside of parentheses, per grammar nazis. If you didn’t know that rule, then you shouldn’t be graduating, you lucky illiterate shithead).
But then POOF out of the
Woah! Then a gurl with crimped pubes on her head comes and steals locker man
from Buffy. But before she can tell him she loves him, cheerleader back up dancers break in for the chorus. I paused it when one of the girls did the splits=nothing to see so don’t waste ur time. Here are some bullshit lyrics”””: “When we get the big jobs and we make the big money will we look back now? Will are jokes still be funny?” What the hell is a Black Sheep writer supposed to do? I won’t be able to replace Colbert on the Tonight Show because by then they’ll realize the need someone who’s #notawhiteguy. THIS IS WHERE I STARTED CRYING. You know those gangly mother fuckers who sit outside of cars stores and wobble on top of a fan? In the middle of the song,
Buffy gets her cap and gown but can find the boy she likes because he’s on a skate board. (It’s during the part where she sings “la la lalalalal la la lalala” [Then the music gets dark and serious, like Mr. Obama after Putin is beating him in a game Risk) what will Buffy do? Will she tell Sk8ter Boi about her heart? Where are Xander and Allyson Hannigan? Keep your ear on the look out voice the sultry voice who sings “Somehowww” and “it’s not goodbye!” becasuse it’s pleasant and distracts you from the fact that all of your friedsn are leaving you and youre going to have to order Chinese food alone for the rest of your life. OH BUFFy tells him that she loves her! <3 But he has a
chinstrap that I’ve just found. Er.. But then. All the do is hug? A fucking hug? You hug everyone on graduation. He better have his 8-incher tucked into his waistband, or I’m calling bullshit. Maybe they’re
brother an sista sista. I should also mention that the singer of this song has the power to dissolve out of thin air when you wathc the movie she just poofs in and out of Buffy’s life.
Now that I’ve listened to the song with the music video, I don’t think I will cry anymore. But if it’s just the violin part, I will. Good thing none of my friend are smart or rich enough to play violin. It’s worse that the Titanic.
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