Volume 7
The Black Sheep
THR FREE! OUG LIKE H W BR ELC EEZI OM N’ EW EEK .
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 1
Self-Proclaimed Lady Killer:
Welcome to the Real Bone Student Center Ulysses S. Lockwood wrote this “I had my fair share of hookups at a number of high school basement parties, but I’m ready to take it to the next level.” stated freshman Kyle Bubinski as he crawled up into his lofted twin-sized bed with the sexual prowess of a newborn chinchilla. It may only be the freshman class’ first weekend at Illinois State, but Bubinski already has more than enough confidence in himself that he will “head to poundtown on the regular” this semester. “I know exactly what it takes to get the girls flocking in droves,” boasted the 18-year-old who, mere months ago, totally touched this girls’ boobs at a high school graduation party. When asked how exactly Bubinski planned on attracting the young women of ISU to his dorm room, the bold bachelor smirked and replied, “Two words: sexual vibes.” Whether it was the plain blue bedspread clearly picked out by his mother, the impressive amount of dirty laundry lying around or the disturbing number of posters of half-naked women, Kyle Bubinski’s dorm certainly has enough of a sensual atmosphere to get any college girl uncontrollably aroused. Bubinski plans on hosting parties every night, and when asked what he would do about seating, he responded saying, “There’s something that most freshies don’t understand. You’ve gotta make the bitches feel comfortable, but not too comfortable.” After an awkward silence, Kyle explained that there was plenty of room on the ground, on his bed, and his roommate’s bed, because he would totally be chill about it. “Chicks need proof that you know how to party. That’s why I tape every single Keystone Light 30-rack divider I can get my hands on up on my side of the room.” Bragged the 140lb boy as he marveled at the 6 dividers he had on display. “Grab life by the stones… Hell yeah.” When we asked Bubinski if he planned on consuming alcohol in his freshman dorm room, he rushed to lock the door and closed the curtains. “Shhh! Jesus Christ! Do you have any f*cking idea how ballistic my mom will get if she hears about my secret stash?!” Kyle then went to open his mini-fridge, and moved aside several containers of Sunny D and Hawaiian Punch to reveal his alcohol collection. There were two Smirnoff Ices, a water bottle half-filled with what appeared to be vodka, and three cans of Hamm’s beer.
“Behold, bitches. This is what will get the party started, and keep it going all night long -- if ya’ know what I’m saying…” gloated the ultimate freshman playboy as he gave a wink and a smile that would make anyone vomit. Kyle had clearly laid out how he planned on getting girls rushing to his dorm like moths to a very sexual flame, but it wasn’t yet clear how he planned to, “annihilate chicks with my heat-seeking love muscle” as he so eloquently put it.
“Then it’s off to the races. The sex races!” Exclaimed a visibly uncomfortable Bubinski as he glanced away at one of his posters. “I’ll just… Ya’ know… Do the sex stuff all over her and… And it’ll totally be the coolest. Just like it has been every other time…” Kyle proceeded to silently sit wide-eyed in his bed for a full minute, wiping the sweat off his brow before snapping back to reality. We said our goodbyes and wished the fearless freshman good luck on his “conquest of coitus”, as he insisted on calling it.
PAGE 4
PAGE 6
PAGES 12-13
TOP 10 CURES FOR THE BACK-TO-ISU BLUES
SUPER SENIOR RETURNS TO ISU WITH “NO REGRETS”
WHAT SIX COLLEGE MOVIES GET RIGHT (AND OH-SO WRONG)
GO BOWLING! EAT AT SUBWAY! SLEEP A BUNCH! WE’VE GOT OPTIONS FOR YOU.
HAVE NO SHAME IN YOUR GAME, BIG GUY.
VAN WILDER, EAT YOUR HEART OUT.
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_ISU AUGUST 21st, 2014 - SEPTEMBER 3rd, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
MEET the STAFF CAMPUS & EDITORIAL MANAGER Nikki Monroe
DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Helen Hoang
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PROMOTIONS MANAGER Vanessa Garcia SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Hannah Krajewski
FOUNDERS Bryan Podell, Kurt Tribble, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
$1.50 Miller Family Bottles and 16oz Coors Light Cans $2.50 Beam, SoCo and Seagram 7 Drinks
JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name on the wall plus a free t-shirt! $2 Import and Micro Bottles, $2 Well & UV Flavors, $2 All Drafts
All Rum Wednesdays! $1 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Fireball $2.50 All Rums
THURSDAY
FRIDAY
SAT. & SUN.
$1 Wells and UV Flavors $1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2.50 Red Bull Vodka
$1.50 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $2 16oz Micro Drafts $2.50 Fireball $4 Bud Family Pitchers
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JUST A FEW MORE WAYS
PAGE 3
BEAT OUR CAPTION!
TO KILL SOME TIME.
THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!
THE CHRISTMAS TURKEY CARVER Mittens stared sadly into the distance knowing he’d never land a job until he beat his catnip addiction once and for all. Think you can do better? Tweet us your funnier caption and you may win a prize!
WORD of the WEEK
CREEPTOMANIA An addiction in which the afflicted cannot help but creep on new acquaintances’ Facebook pictures. The moment Darren accepted Mariah’s friend request he spent the next 20 minutes looking at pictures of her in bikini.
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killers nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. Above is an outline of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
Born in Chicago in 1971.
2
Is a spokesman for Rogaine.
3
Currently hosts Kitchen Casino.
# # #
PLAY ALONG! @BLACKSHEEP_ISU
CURRENT EVENTS
THE TOP TEN Cures for the Back-to-ISU Blues Everything is returning to Normal, not that that’s a good thing. Have no fear, here’s ten things to cure what ails ya. 10.) Booze: It’s been scientifically proven that the best way to rid yourself of any unwanted emotion is through alcohol. Trust us, would we lie to you? Of course not! All we know for sure is that 10 shots deep, you won’t even remember your own name, much less the fact that you’re back at ISU. 9.) Assert Dominance: Nothing says, “I’m an adult” like pushing around those lowest on the totem pole. It’s impossible to be sad when everyone knows you’re at the top of the chain of command—just look at Hitler. That was the ‘stache of a happy man, are we Reich?
The Times They Are A Changin’
8.) Exercise: One of the best ways to cheer yourself up is to get your endorphins going. Conveniently, we have a state-of-the-art Recreational Center, just a jog away, which can double as a landmark to judge how far you are from Chipotle. After the longest jog of your life, you’ll be so ready for that burrito that nothing else in the world will matter. 7.) Bowling: Yeah you read that right, bowling. Why does ISU have a goddamn Bowling and Billiards Center? That, my friends, is an age-old mystery. The only thing we know for sure is that aggressively hurling a weighted ball down a lane and watching it roll over all those smug white pins gives people a sick satisfaction that can’t be topped.
Scoop Chang Wrote This
Most famous for his Indiana Jones party back in 2008 where he got everyone to smoke weed out of a crystal skull until they saw aliens, Richie Feingold used to be the party god. The Indiana Jones party-- ending with everyone throwing rocks at the police for trying to touch their golden monkey idols-- was the talk of Bloomington-Normal for weeks. Lately though, his references seem to have become a bit dated and his parties aren’t hitting the right buttons. Today’s college crowd prefers a rave environment with lots of drugs and alcohol. They require themes where both men and women can come scantily-clad in underwear, and maybe a hat. Richie’s parties required a more extensive set-up and costumes and were frankly too much work to be worth it. We caught up with Richie Feingold, and asked him plainly: What happened? “Hey man,” Richie explained to us, his lips, teeth, and toga stained red with wine, “I’m still partying! I’m still throwing ragers! The other day we threw an Animal House party that was sick.” “What’s an animal house? Like… a pet motel party? That sounds dumb.” asked freshman reporter Gavin Trout. Richie spent the next 20 minutes explaining, in full, the plot of Animal House. As you can imagine, it was less than stimulating for Gavin. “So then he smashes the guitar! Because he doesn’t like the guy playing it! Classic!” Richie explained to Gavin as Gavin swiped past girl after girl on his Tinder. Richie told us not to leave because his “The Hangover Party” was going to be sick. We left after he came out as Zach Galifianakis wearing a cabbage patch kid, but not before we cringed so hard we lost a few teeth. We all thought about sad, old Richie trying to regale us with the stories of his own parties, or parties he saw in old National Lampoon movies, and it seemed clear that times had just changed. Long gone were the times of creative theme parties, mixed drinks, and a third list item. The world was just moving too fast nowadays. College kids don’t drink socially anymore, it seems, they drink to get fucked up. They don’t go to parties to dance, they go to mash their genitals on one another while listening to a song describing exactly how to mash genitals with your big booty. Gone are the times of effort and subtlety and pretending to not be shallow. Everyone wants to have the sex with someone prettier than them and nowadays there’s at least 5 apps to do it. But The Black Sheep isn’t about forsaking the present for the past. We’re all about moving forward (check out our app that tells you bar specials and drinking games!). So we embrace the new world of fornicating fucking until your parts hurt and ignoring the quality of everything as long as it’s popular. So what if music sounds like shit, drinks taste like piss, and reading is for losers? We’re either gonna get hella laid or hella disappointed and we intend to be too blacked out to care.
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6.) Party Hardy: All you need is a dark basement, EDM music, copious amounts of hallucinogens, and all that sexual tension that hangs over frat parties like the mists of Avalon. 5.) Subway: This is it. The epitome of happiness. At Subway, this swirling vortex of terror that we call life is calm and, for once, you’re in control of it. You’re never judged here, simply accepted for who you are and the choices you make. Wanna throw some extra olives on that foot long? Go for it. Some rusty nails? A little tetanus never hurt nobody, says Subway! 4.) Sleep for Days: Literally. When you’re asleep, it’s a known fact that all of your sad-frownytime receptors turn off and your dream machine turns on. So, basically, yes you’re back at school, but if you cocoon up in bed for a few days you’ll be in happy dreamland fighting dragons and banging Kate Upton, or whatever it is you insane people dream about. 3.) Stylishly Late: It’s the first week back in class and no one wants to be there, so don’t bother showing up to your classes on time like everyone else—they’re all dead inside. Just go with what your heart feels, take your sweet time getting ready and remember what they say, “When you look good, you feel good and when you show up to class on time, you slowly die inside.” 2.) Become an Addict: College is all about trying new things and you know what they say, “A little meth never hurt nobody.” Not into the hard stuff…yet? Maybe one day. But until then, cigarettes will do nicely. No matter the vice you pick, chances are you’ll be more concerned about your disgusting new habits than you are with school starting. 1.) Hunt for Hoes: Nothing soothes the soul quite like a trip to Pleasureville with some easy broad you met during Chillabus Week. Jennifer Green Wrote This
PARTY PICS
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS What’s the most college thing you’ve done since you’ve been back on campus? Jordie, Senior
“I’ve had to get a lot of different parking passes.”
Amanda, Freshman
“Eating dining hall food.”
Casey, Sophomore
“A beer bong.”
05
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Super Senior Returns to ISU with
“NO REGRETS” Veronica Silverado Wrote This
In his four years here at Illinois State, Joe Hamilton has been known as “Big Man on Campus” to his mom, dad, and little sister, Heather. To everyone else, he has been known as the kid that threw up on the second day of COM 110. This fall, Joe, like many other students, will return to ISU for his fifth, and most likely, his final year of college. Although, “You, like, never know dude, I don’t know what the future holds man, anything could happen!”, as Hamilton put it. We sat down with Joe Hamilton when he returned to campus in late July after bumming it on his parents’ couch all summer as an unemployed 22-year-old. “They moved all my shit out pretty much the minute I graduated high school, it was bogus! But I mean, my fold-out was chill as hell.” After stepping outside to smoke a clove cigarette, Hamilton reflected on his college experience thus far: “I partied. I mean, we all partied. It’s a state school, partying is like a class in itself. Freshman year, I didn’t go to any of my Friday classes. Everyone knows the real weekend starts on Thursday. I was only eighteen and couldn’t go to the bars, but I still raged pretty hard in the dorms. My roommate’s older brother would give us his leftover Burnett’s, and we would turn up from Thursday night until Monday morning. Things got crazy, I can promise you that.” Hamilton’s freshman and sophomore year roommate, Ryan Carroll, later informed us that he, in fact, does not have an older brother, and recalls many nights spent
playing Halo 3 with Joe drinking Mountain Dew and generally cowering in fear at the sight of a woman. “We can’t all be Casanova, I guess,” Hamilton agreed after asking Carroll who Casanova was. “Well, maybe my early years weren’t the craziest, but once I turned twenty-one, that’s when shit got mad real. We’d smoke a blunt then head downtown almost every night for a solid month. Eventually we had to stop because I ran up my parents’ credit card trying to buy this girl a used Toyota but that’s, like, irrelevant here.” Hamilton will return to his psychology studies with a 2.13 GPA. “I did switch majors a lot. I was in art for a while, then... something else, and now I’m here. That’s why it’s so low, I think.” Hamilton says his amazing time at Illinois State has been nothing but beneficial. He doesn’t regret one minute of his time here, and would do it all the same if given the chance to do it over. “College is where you come to grow and figure out who you are. That’s what my dad told me the day I moved into Wilkins over at Tri. Now, the only inspirational quotes he tells me are ones about getting jobs, but I’ll never forget that one. I did grow here at ISU, I turned into the party god I was born to be. And now I rule here, just like Van Wilder!” No one on campus could comment on this, seeing as none of them know who Joe is. “It’s cool, man. Give me another year or two and everything is gonna change, I’m sure of it.”
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ISU’s Newest Course to Blow More Than Minds Jennifer Green Wrote This
The newest class available at ISU is all about sexual freeness. ISU President Larry Dietz said of the new course, “I’ve never seen students so excited to learn. Also, I haven’t seen so many boners in one classroom since the spring of 98’, but that’s a different story.” ISU added More Than Missionary 101 after getting an overwhelming number of complaints from the undergrad population about how boring gen-eds are. Not knowing what to do, the university turned to the one man on campus who could come up with a solution. Professor Hugh G. Weener told The Black Sheep exactly what he was going to do to fix this problem. “A new, sexy class should keep these young, virile sexpots comin’ back for more. We’ll hold it in the basement of Fell Hall. Feels so wrong, yet oh-so right. More than Missionary 101 is designed to simulate and excite students by talking about the one thing everyone always wants to talk about--sex!” This drastically different course came as a shock to parents and students alike. The university, however, defended their decision to add this new, revealing course. In a statement ISU argued, “This year’s incoming freshman class is the largest we’ve ever seen. This is also the first time we’ve ever dared to offer a course this risqué. Coincidence? We think not. Boom. That’s some serious strategic thinking dropped on ya asses.” Despite the shock and excitement this erotic course has inspired, it also leaves one wondering, “How will grades be determined?” Well, luckily, the university has come prepared with an answer to this, too. “It was the hardest part of creating this class. Literally,” says Dietz. “We first took a panel of university professors and sat them down to determine what things are sexy and what just doesn’t make the cut. PornHub proved to be a very helpful resource in figuring out what is and isn’t sexy. Several bottles of lotion, used tissues, and newfound fetishes later, I think we’ve cracked the code.” In regard to the course rubric, the panel told The Black Sheep, “For the entirety of the summer, we’ve been gathering, um… ’data’ suggesting that flirting was deemed as ‘sexy enough’ for some professors, while others defined ’sexy enough’ based on full-blown (pardon the pun) sexual acts. As a result, we have developed this comprehensive guide for assessment. It’s pretty…’exploratory,’ if you catch our drift.”
We got a sneak peak of the class rubric and there’s no doubt about it, this shit is smokin’ hot. Showing up on time to class every day dressed in revealing clothing is 5 points of credit. Making seductive eyes at the professor while biting your lip is another 5 points. Sleeping with either the professor or at least one other classmate earns an automatic C. We can’t even tell you what you have to do to get an A. Senior Eric Duncan shared with us his thoughts on the class after the first week. “Man, I wish every class could be like this one! I mean, when I watch internet porn and jerk off in any other class people look at me like I’m the weirdo, like I’m in the wrong! Can you believe that? I’ve been preaching about sexual openness for years!”
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
TUESDAYS: JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name and a quote on the wall plus a free t-shirt!
FRIDAY! Happy Hour! $3 Double Wells, Bombs, Domestics, $4 Long Islands, POWER SHOTS, $0.25 Wings Live DJ
SATURDAY $3 Hurricane & Tsunami Drinks, Bud Select & Bud Light Lime Bottles
1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month is Comedy Open Mic at 8pm!
THURSDAY
$1 Wells and UV Flavors $1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2.50 Red Bull Vodka
$1.50 Double Wells $2 Bombs, Bud, Bud Light, Select, Long Islands Live DJ
$3 Domestic Bottles $3 Well Drinks $3 Draft Pints
$3 Pitchers of Miller High Life, $2 Bottles of PBR $2 Vodka Well Drinks
FRIDAY
$1.50 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $2 16oz Micro Drafts $2.50 Fireball $4 Bud Family Pitchers
Happy Hour! $3 Double Wells, Bombs, Domestics, $4 Long Islands, POWER SHOTS, $0.25 Wings Live DJ
$3 Fat Jack Cocktails, All Flavored Vodkas, Jim Beam & Heineken bottles
$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Draft
SATURDAY
$1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2 Wells and UV Flavors $2.25 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $3 Vegas Bombs
Happy Hour! $3 Double Wells, Bombs, Domestics, $4 Long Islands, Jack Daniels POWER SHOTS, 1/2 off Appetizers Live DJ
$3 Hurricane & Tsunami Drinks, Bud Select & Bud Light Lime Bottles
KARAOKE! $3.50 15oz, $4 20oz Import or Craft Draft Beer
SUNDAY
$1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2 Wells and UV Flavors $2.25 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $3 Vegas Bombs
$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $3 U Calls Its 1/2 Priced Thin Crust Pizza
All $3 Daily Specials!
Closed
MONDAY
$1.50 Miller Family Bottles and 16oz Coors Light Cans $2.50 Beam, SoCo and Seagram 7 Drinks
$2 Drafts & Bottles, $2 Double Wells, 1/2 Priced Wine $0.25 Wings Trivia Night!
Rumday! $3 Captain Morgan, Malibu, Import & Craft Bottles
$1.75 Miller Lite Pints
TUESDAY
JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name on the wall plus a free t-shirt! $2 Import and Micro Bottles, $2 Well & UV Flavors, $2 All Drafts
Dollar Night! $1 12oz UV Flavors, $3 U Call Its 2-Free Topping Thin Kyle Yapp
$3 Draft Pints & American Harvest Vodka
$2.75 20 oz. Miller Lite Draft 1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month is Comedy Open Mic at 8pm!
WEDNESDAY
All Rum Wednesdays! $1 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Fireball $2.50 All Rums
Wasted Wednesday! $1 Bombs, $2 Long Islands, $3 Pitchers (Domestics), $6 Fishbowls, 1/2 Priced L-Thin pizza
$3 Well Drinks $3 Half-Pints on Draft $3 Bombs
Karaoke! $2.00 Well Drinks and Miller Lite Pints
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Bar Grid Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka
SATURDAY: $2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade
FRIDAY: $2 22oz Keeper Cup, $2.75 Corona, $3 Liquor Specials
Sunday & Wednesday Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!
SPECIAL NIGHT
Tapper Thursday $3.75 All 20oz Draught Pints
$2 Miller Family Bottles $2 Well Drinks and Well Shots $6 32oz Vodka Red Bulls $4 Bud Light Pitchers $4 12oz Bacardi Family Drinks
$2 Domestic Longnecks, $3 Captain and/or Bacardi
$2.50 19oz Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts $8 Margarita Pitchers
THURSDAY
Failte Friday Try our special Long Ireland Iced Tea for $4!
$2 Redds $3 Fireball Shots $6 32oz Long Islands
$2 22oz Keeper Cup, $2.75 Corona, $3 Liquor Specials
$2.50 Import Bottles and Malt Beverages $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!
FRIDAY
Slainte Saturday: $3 Any Flavor of Three Olives Premium Vodka
$2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade
$3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special
$2.50 Well Drinks $8 Margarita Pitchers
SATURDAY
Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka
Closed
$3.50 24oz Cups $3.50 Liquor Special
Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!
SUNDAY
Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles
$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
$4 Domestic Pitchers $3 Fireball Shots
$3 Smirnoff Vodka Drinks (Any Flavor) $8 Margarita Pitchers
MONDAY
Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors
$2 You-Call-Its
$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls
$3 Captain Morgan $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!
TUESDAY
$7 Premium Pitchers
$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs
Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers
WEDNESDAY
Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey
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Easygoing Questions to Break the Ice with Your Roommate Getting assigned a random roommate can be unnerving, but actually meeting your roommate for the first time can be outright nerve-wracking. The first step to any healthy, newly-founded 4-year-friendship, however, is simple conversation. While the ice breaker games you played with your roommates will only get you so far, here are some common introductory questions to spark some truly engaging conversations between you and your new roommate. These questions are sure to warm things up for freshmen (and sophomores who looked for apartments too late) across all of campus. Serve up your favorite non-alcoholic drink and kick things off with some of these conversation starters: What’s your blood type? Finding out the specifics of what your roommate has coursing through his or her veins is a great way to both get to know them as a person as well as gain preemptive knowledge should anything go awry during your first year on campus. A roomie sporting O- or O+ blood is likely to be more generous around the dorm, especially when it comes to donating blood on the off chance that you need a transfusion after a botched kidney abduction. AB however? Don’t expect them to be doing anyone any favors unless it helps them out, too. What division of the occult do you most identify with? Going straight into religion can make people uncomfortable, so rather than rub your roommate the wrong way, start with beliefs that are a little less controversial. For instance, you might find out that you aren’t the only paganistic witchcraft enthusiast on campus after all! Figuring out which tomes of black magic your roomie is into is a great way to check out and recommend other books that interest them without having to mention touchy subjects like the Bible. If your roommate dabbles with theistic Aztec beliefs or Satanism, we hope you’re not a neat freak – your residence hall is sure to fine you for that sacrificial blood stain in the carpet! Which Lovecraftian creature is your spirit animal? We all know the common copout answers for the sprit animal question. Chances are that your roomie really isn’t that into metaphysically assuming the form of seals or Bengal tigers as he or she is letting on. Once you’ve discovered which deity of Cthulu mythos they most often morph into in their dreams, you know you’ve made a very special connection. Like the yin to your yang, your roommate might very well be the Azathoth to your Shub-Niggurath… minus the thousands of fledging tentacles and screams from the netherworld, of course! Who are your favorite Tibetan throat-singing artists? Too often do we hear the response, “Oh, you know… a little bit of everything,” when asking someone what music they listen to. Dig a little deeper! Get to the root of your roomie’s favorite musical artists by asking them about their own collection of field recording
Staff Wrote This
cassettes and Tibetan throat-singing vinyls. Any regular schmuck can tell you about their affinity for heavy noise and drone instrumentals. A true friend will be happy to engage in a listening session to Pierre Schaeffer’s ambient Cinq études de bruits while a hifi cassette of Gulug Monk throat-singing is playing at the same time. If your roomie stops at the word “avant garde,” crank the abrasiveness to 11 and revel in their tastelessness. If you could have dinner with a famous person, living or dead, whose face would you wear and why? This question always tends to throw people for a loop since they’re never sure which famous person to take to dinner. Your roommate will probably try to answer the second half of the question first in hopes that you forgot about the first, but don’t let them off so easy! If for whatever reason your roomie is still stumped, go ahead and give them the option of living or dead. You want to learn a lot about who you’re living with, but you don’t want to make them too uncomfortable. Are you a dog or a cat person? Now that you’ve got the basics out of the way, you might be ready to ask your roommate something that hits a little more close to home. However, be incredibly cautious with the wording when asking this question. Be sure to stick strictly with either “dog” or “cat,” and absolutely do not give consideration to any tropical or exotic animals. If you don’t feel comfortable enough with your roomie after the preliminary set of questions, save this question might be better suited as a comment in passing or one after a few drinks. Whatever you do, just don’t be weird about it.
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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Taken Favorite Drink: Jack on the rocks Favorite Shot: Tennessee Bombs Disgusting Drink: UV Blue and lemonade What’s the best back to school drink?: Vodka and Red Bull because they will keep you up to study all night. What song are you most excited to hear 1,000 times the first month of school?: “Fancy,” until I vomit. Four words to describe ISU’s football season: Tailgating. Tailgating. Tailgating. TAILGATING.
ADAM of DRIFTERS THE DRINKING GAME CENTURIONS OF FLOOR 9 We all remember that awkward first floor meeting freshman year – the one where your RA tells you not to drink and all that nonsense and has you play those ridiculous ice breaker games. Remember how useful those ice breakers were? Yeah, neither do we. You know why they didn’t work? Because they didn’t involve playing the name game while taking a shot of beer every minute. What You’ll Need: A couple 30-racks of beer, tall glasses, shot glasses, a round table, a very open personality. Number of Players: 6+, or as many as your amount of beer allows. The less you know the people around you the better. Level of Intoxication: “Wait… how did we not hang out in high school? Oh my god, I totally thought you were too popular to talk to someone like me…” How to Play: As the game’s namesake foretells, this is a game of Centurion. The objective of the base game is to take a shot of beer every minute for 100 minutes. In addition to see who has the most alcoholic endurance, this iteration of the game also acts as a long-term
ice breaker exercise. Every 10 shots, the sub-game or topic question will change. The goal is to realize how easy it is to get to know people while drinking… as well as how to regret it come the next morning. Shots 1-10: The Name Game: Starting you off easy here. “That’s Sarah and she likes salmon. That’s Andrew and he likes apples.” That sort of thing. Shots 11-20: Speed Friending: After every two shots during this segment, switch conversation partners with each other. Shots 21-30: Telephone: As things get a little hazy, play an ongoing game of childhood telephone. If the chain is broken, everyone must take an extra shot. Shots 31-40: Trust Falls: Just like in camp, find out which of your friends would somehow catch you if you fell backwards off of a cliff. Please do this one on the carpet. Shots 41-50: The Name Game II: Electric Boogaloo: Did you forget those names and their corresponding likes? Give out an extra shot to those who screw up the chain. Shots 51-60: Two Truths and a Lie:
Give us a bit of ISU–specific advice for incoming freshmen: Remember you’re only here for seven years, so make it count.
What would you trade for two more weeks of summer?: Probably my soul. There’s at least two claims on it already, though. Who is your mortal enemy, and what malicious rumor would you like us to spread about them?: The people in the bar that demand me to take pictures of them. I’d like you guys to spread that all of their pictures are Photoshopped. If you were Spider President for a day, what kind of tarantu-laws would you enact?: Make a National Spider Pig Awareness Day. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s fantastic and amazing and it has everything you need to know in Bloomington-Normal.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER BACK-TO-SCHOOL BREAKFAST BAGELS
Since you’ve reached the point of drunken gullibility by now, this one should seriously screw some people up. Shots 61-70: Charades: Team up with a buddy and see how well your friends can act out words with impaired motor capabilities. Shots 71-80: Would You Rather…?: No matter which horrific, painstakingly difficult to image scenario you pick, everyone is sure to fall off their chair laughing. Shots 81-90: True or Dare: Consider this the most scandalous ice breaker ever conceived. This late in the game, you can bet your ass that both dares and truths are going to be dark as all hell. Shots 91-100: Secret Handshakes: You did it! If you’re still hanging on by this point, devise one secret handshake with a buddy. You’ll need all 10 minutes to get it down. The Game Ends When: The 100 minutes is up and you had the pleasure of meeting new people or seeing your friends in an enlightening new light. Or if two once-strangers start making out in front of everyone.
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Weeeell here we are again, kiddos, the beginning of a brand spanking new semester. For you uninitiated freshies out there, welcome to Recipe for Disaster, a series of weekly college food recipes even a blacked out Gordon Ramsay wouldn’t dare concoct. Since a lot of you first-timers didn’t know better to opt out of 8 a.m. gen-eds, most of you are going to have to learn to become morning people… and fast. The best part about this morning meal is that it won’t cost you (but probably your parents) a dime, since all of the ingredients can be found at your local dining hall. Upperclassmen can join in on the fun, but the expense of buying all of these items separately will probably drive you straight back to your classic “two pieces of bread with a dab of cooking oil in between” breakfast combo. What You’ll Need: 6-pack of bagels (if you settle for plain, drop from this university immediately), packets of cream cheese (again, plain = “get the f*ck out”), bacon, eggs, sausage patties, assorted jam packets, hash browns, and literally anything else you can sneak out of the dining hall. Fatty Factor: There’s a “freshmen 15” joke in here somewhere. Let’s Get Baked: - Garb yourself in tracksuit-like attire/large overcoat with deep pockets and use your first meal credit to
enter the dining hall. - Nonchalantly stash away the aforementioned ingredients wherever you can stuff them. Only experienced stashers should use anatomical cavities. - Sneak past the card swiper and head back to your dorm room (we guarantee that the swiper will not care). - Layout a bagel and a half as if you would a tripledecker sandwich. Toasting is optional, but certainly recommended for those who aren’t certifiably insane. - Begin adding desired stolen spreads. Remember, you’re in college now, meaning that no one is around to tell you what’s weird and what’s not. Daddy says mixing cream cheese and jelly was weird. The Black Sheep says to douse that shit. - Build your breakfast sandwich with your proteins, eggs, and starches. - Use one of the thousands of Ziploc baggies your nervous-wreck-of-a-mother supplied you with for easy transportation. - Realize you’re already 5 minutes late for your first lecture, say “to hell with it” and enjoy your sandwich while kicking back to Netflix. There’s no reason why this feat can’t be more easily accomplished within the confines of the dining hall. But then again, that means you’d have to talk to people… and NO ONE wants to talk in the dining hall.
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College movies all follow the same vague thread: An underdog student or group of students face odds impossible to overcome until the third act hits and everything gets figured out and tied up in one nice, happy bow. Still, all these college movies get certain things right and certain things wrong about the college experience. This week, The Black Sheep looks at six of these college flicks to see where they shine, and where they’re shit. By: Brendan
RONG)
COLLEGE MOVIE RIGHT & WRONGS
NATIONAL LAMPOON’S VAN WILDER The Basic Premise: Lothario party boy’s dad stops paying for college, so he has to sell his party skills to pay the party bills.
GOOD WILL HUNTING The Basic Premise: A brilliant janitor at MIT faces a series of difficult life decisions after his brilliance is unearthed.
What it Gets Right: Staying in college forever is both awesome and terrible. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of something you love, like that case of trashy beer you clutch oh-so-tightly on a Friday night. And why not? A relatively carefree lifestyle intermingled with bouts of binge drinking is something that’s easy for most early 20-somethings to process. By year six, though, when that love of of party life has transformed into unwavering ennui and a sense that alcoholism is right around the corner, you gotta get out.
What it Gets Right: You’ll question your previous, postcollege friendships. Sure, you had some great times— you’ll never forget the time Brett threw a pizza on the roof—but edging into your mind is the inevitable, “Am I still similar enough to these people to consider them friends?” Inevitably, some of the people you hung out with when you were a senior in high school will not be the same people you’re texting every day when you’re a senior in college.
What it Gets Wrong: Oh, just every college party trope. A good college party is lucky to have more than a couple of kegs. A college costume party is lucky to have a guy who spent 15 minutes drawing stigmata on his hands, sombrero on hands as Hey-zoos, the Mexican Jesus. A college party with a tiki theme hosted in a gorgeous Malibu mansion has only happened in the wet dreams of hundreds of 15-year-old boys.
What it Gets Wrong: Professors won’t find you interesting, at all. We get it, you got a 29 on your ACT— that’s pretty good! What you don’t get, though, is…so did everyone else you’re sitting next to. Your take on Hemingway’s “Cat in the Rain” is the same take as four other students’. It’s the same as six students’ last year. And the year before. Hey, it was a nice try at being profound, but Professor Jefferson is going to have a TA grade it, she doesn’t have time for this shit.
LEGALLY BLONDE
OLD SCHOOL
The Basic Premise: UCLA grad Elle Woods chases her ex-boyfriend into Harvard Law, hoping to win back his heart.
The Basic Premise: Old guys tired of old-guy life start a new fraternity at a local university.
What it Gets Right: College is one of the last opportunities you’ll have to really follow your dream—fuck the haters. They thought Elle Woods couldn’t succeed in law school, but she got into Harvard and proved them wrong. They didn’t think pink would work, then it did. You—you’re not yet besieged by a crippling mortgage or two snot-nosed twerps, so take these four years to do you. Whether it’s weird facial piercings or the even weirder decision to double major in English and philosophy, make your own decisions, regardless of what others think.
What it Gets Right: Age does beget wisdom, even when it comes to partying. We hope even the most naïve freshman knows that inhaling a fifth of Smirnoff is some bad juju, but a college senior has more than that trick up his sleeve. Whether it’s knowing the last place in town that’ll sell whiskey on Saturday or the best way to clean a beer bong in under 2 minutes, hey, you’ll pick up thing or two long the way.
What it Gets Wrong: Still, no one trusts you with any actual responsibility. Would you, Mr. “I-Got-UpAt-2p.m.-Hey-At Least-It’s-Not-4p.m.”? For some reason Elle, a first-year law student, was allowed to participate in a real-life murder trial. Hah, so not college. Any job you’ll have in college will be menial at best and embarrassing at worst—you’ll have an ill-fitting uniform, just learn to deal with it.
What it Gets Wrong: If you’re partying with 30-somethings, they’re probably undercover cops. You know how when you party with someone notably older than yourself, it feels weird and creepy? Well, when you party with someone notably younger than yourself, it also feels weird and creepy. 30-yearolds are as afraid of you as you are of them—don’t hang out with one another.
REVENGE OF THE NERDS The Basic Premise: There’s a frat full of nerds and a frat full of jocks. Then, they clash. What it Gets Right: Nerds rule the world. So, turns out if you’re moderately bright and really passionate about something to the point you’re willing to commit your life to it, then you can assume a lot of power and make a lot of money doing that very thing. If that thing is outsmarting jocks, you can even make a cult comedy about it. What it Gets Wrong: Just because you’re handsome and athletic doesn’t mean you’re an idiot. Even Mark Zuckerberg, King Nerd, isn’t a totally heinous dweeb. Barack Obama is smarter than most of us and is a serious law nerd, and most women in his age bracket would admit that he’s better-looking than their out-of-shape schlubby-looking husbands. Brains and brawn aren’t mutually exclusive, regardless of what the media would like you to believe.
ACCEPTED The Basic Premise: A mischievous high schooler who fails to get into any of the colleges he’s applied to creates his own university where everyone is…wait for it…Accepted. What it Gets Right: You’ll inevitably make friends in college. Among the tens of thousands of other students on this campus are a select few with whom you share very specific interests. Enjoy butt-chugging vodka on a Tuesday night? You’ll find someone who enjoys the same. Introverted neo-futurist LARP-er? Hey, there’s a group that meets specifically for that twice a month! In college you have to actively try not to make friends; if you put yourself out there someone will turn up just as bizarre as you are. What it Gets Wrong: Just because you’re making friends doesn’t mean you’ll get the hot girl. Sadly, cliques still exist in college, and it’s not as different from high school as you might want to pretend. Look at your peer group—these are the people you’ll date. If it’s full of uggos, get ready to be sleeping with lots of uggos.
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THE BACK TO SCHOOL MADLIB The alarm on your phone sounds the same, but the sun is in the wrong side of the sky—you’re used to waking up at __1__p.m., just in time to begin sipping __2__ with the __3__ back home. No more, though, you roll out of bed, throw on whatever doesn’t smell like __4__and head out for the first class of the new semester. It’s __5__, right? No, wait, is it __6__? And where the hell is __7__? You’ve been here __8__ years and you’ve never heard of the place. And then, yeah, of course the line for coffee at __9__ is as long as a __10__. Waiting for your __11__, you see __12__, who you used to bang, but totally didn’t call before you unceremoniously left town last spring. You stealthily duck behind a guy wearing a __13__and you go unseen, you glorious bastard. Finally at __14__, you search frantically for Room 225, which, of course is not on the second floor. Stumbling in, smelly, late and hate-filled, you realize that this isn’t __15__ at all, it’s __16__. You stand stunned. Did, you…uh… sign up for this class? The professor stares at you, __17__. Whether this is your class or not, you __18__take a seat in the front row. Sipping your beverage, you silently admit to yourself it’s going to be a long semester.
CLUE BANK 1) Time 2) Delicious summer beverage 3) Slang for “friends” 4) Gross-smelling thing 5) Class you’re taking 6) Another class you’re taking 7) Academic building 8) Number 9) Favorite campus coffee place 10) Long thing 11) Coffee order 12) Person 13) Silly kind of hat 14) Same as 7 15) Same as 6 16) Bad class to take 17) Emotion 18) Embarrassed adverb
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