Illinois State - Issue 5 - 3/20/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

ISU FREE IS I ...LI NT K HE E PRE NC A TE A TO N D I N URN G AM ENT .

Vol. 6, Issue 5

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

3/20/14 - 4/2/14

ISU BANS BRADLEY STUDENTS FROM BONE STUDENT CENTER

ISAAC DREIDELSCHLEITZE WROTE THIS Normal, IL – The decision to ban Bradley students from The Bone Student Center was approved by Illinois State University President Timothy J. Flanagan today in an effort to “keep those no-good rotten kids off my lawn!” Flanagan released the statement while on the front yard of his home on the north side of Illinois State University’s campus, flecking spit with every “S” word he spoke. Flanagan faced pressure from the media, former ISU president Al Bowman, as well as his wife, who spoke to the media earlier today. “You know, Tim’s under a lot of stress lately. With the allegations against him for assault, perversion, and the rumor that he may or may not be an evil demon sent from Hell to kill students, we can hardly keep up with all of this. Tim just wants to make sure everyone who enters our campus knows what we stand for.” She shrugged a little bit and walked back inside the mansion. So what do they stand for? Interviewing several ISU students coming back from a recent basketball game, senior Buck Fradley had this to say, “Fuck yeah I wanna ban Bradley students from the Bone. That’s our place of study and… bagels… and those lame freshmen get-togethers. If we let some Bradley fans in here, who knows where it will stop? Next they’ll start letting in Wesleyan students. Preposterous!” Of course, not all students agree with this sentiment. Sophomore, Jessica Blownose, is adamantly against the new ban on Bradley students. “How can we not let [Bradley students] into the Bone? It’s like back in the 60’s when the school labeled all the bathrooms and water fountains “Redbirds only” and “Braves only.” Bradley students should be allowed to go into whatever building they want and get married to whomever they want. Go Braves!” Jessica was later expelled and banished from the university for, what we are told, are reasons unrelated. The university staff was prepped to not allow any student into the Bone without first showing proper ISU identification, singing the fight song, and fist-bumping Reggie the Redbird. Clearly it was a fool-proof plan to keep Bradley students out of the building. However, about 50 miles away, two Bradley brothers, Brad and Chad Paisley, were conspiring to sneak into the Bone, steal whatever they could, and spray paint “Braves do it better” on all the walls. Their plan was to disguise themselves. Dress like ISU students, talk like

ISU students, become ISU students. The training was remarkably simple. They chugged about 20 Keystone Lights, put on some ISU hoodies, and they made their way down I-74. The brothers sat outside the entrance and chugged a couple more Keystones for good measure. They then marched up the steps to the Bone, showed the guards their counterfeit IDs, sang the fight song, and gave Reggie a high five. No self-respecting Bradley fan would ever fist bump Reggie. But apparently once inside the majestic student center the two brothers

looked around and fell to their knees. “What are we doing here?” said Chad to his brother. “This place is too awesome to destroy. Let’s just get some Burger King and call it a day.” And with that, the two students sat in the Bone Student Center Burger King, ate their Rodeo Burgers and left. When Flanagan found out about the infiltration, plans to demolish the Bone soon began. “It’s not a sacred place anymore…” he muttered under his breath. Flanagan swears he’s not a spiteful man, but continues to fire anyone who speaks against the demolition plans or against his anti-Bradley crusade. The Bone will remain open to the general public for the time being.

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ISU PROFESSOR SECRETLY LOCH NESS MONSTER

TOP 10: REASONS TO SLEEP WITH A PROFESSOR

BARTENDER OF THE WEEK

IT WAS KIND OF SUSPICIOUS THAT SHE WAS ALWAYS ASKING FOR TREE-FITTY.

AS IF YOU NEEDED ANOTHER REASON TO BONE OLD PROFESSOR JOHNSON.

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AROUND CAMPUS

THE

TOP

TEN

REASONS TO SLEEP WITH A PROFESSOR JENNIFER GREEN WROTE THIS

Ever thought to yourself, “I should bone my professor”? You see them up in front of a lecture hall talking about sociology and you think, “I want some of that”. We know you’re on the verge of doing it, so here are 10 reasons to push you over the edge. 10.) They’re Sexy: Maybe you’ve always had a thing for that young, hot professor. You know, the one with double D’s who purposely wears V-necks or the one in the tight khaki pants that show off his nice ass. Unless you’re into the older professors…in which case we won’t judge you (just kidding we’re totally judging you). 9.) Good Grades: Let’s face it, some people just suck at school. When your GPA starts looking like a batting average and your academic future is in jeopardy, the only salvation sometimes lies deep within your professor’s loins. Go, seek your salvation.

ISU Professor Secretly Loch Ness Monster CARLOS DANGER WROTE THIS

Strange rumors have been floating around for the past few weeks concerning ISU’s newest faculty member, Professor Nessie Lake. Hired last semester for her expertise in marine biology and Scottish culture, Professor Lake has been raising eyebrows ever since she arrived on campus. The extraordinarily shy professor is known for getting flustered and disappearing, often for days on end. Unlucky students unaware of this particular habit have sat for hours in confusion, waiting for the professor to return to finish her lecture. When she is around, her peculiar diet of swallowing live fish whole has turned the stomach of more than a few students. The rumors surrounding Lake’s eccentricities prompted ISU President Timothy Flannigan to release a brief statement yesterday: “The ongoing speculation surrounding Professor Lake prompted the university to conduct our own investigation. Much to our surprise, we’ve discovered that Professor Lake is actually the one and only Loch Ness Monster. The student-teacher dynamic is a sacred one however, and we must insist that students continue to show Professor Lake the respect she deserves by refraining from referring to her as a monster. On an unrelated note, the university will now be instituting a mandatory background check for new hires.” While RSOs like the College Republicans have demanded that Professor Lake be removed as a faculty member (due to her lack of American citizenship) the majority of the campus has taken the announcement in stride. We spoke to women studies major RJ Muffdyer, a member of her “Scottish Feminist Theory” class. “Of course I was shocked, I mean who wouldn’t be? But it actually explained a lot. She had always been a bit difficult to understand, but I had always just assumed it was because of her thick Scottish accent and her long snout. Although in hindsight, this does explain her being seven feet tall and having fins, but I think the glasses and the kilt threw me. She knows her stuff though, and she’s pretty laidback, so I can’t say I care much. I just hope they don’t make me retake the class if she gets fired.” President Flannigan has neither confirmed nor denied that the university would be firing Professor Lake. However, upon prodding, he told us – strictly off the record – that the ACLU was “breathing down his ass” and that he had received a rather interesting call from the White House. As for the professor herself, she has disappeared, much to the dismay of scientists and the Discovery Channel. “For someone as exotic looking as Nessie”, a colleague noted, “she could be quite the wallflower. It was remarkable how you could just sometimes forget she was even there! I do hope she’s alright though. She was a real sweetheart.” Her students seem to agree. In show of support, her students have continued attending class, despite their absentee professor. “Honestly, class hasn’t changed that much,” RJ told us, “we’re kind of used to Professor Lake’s flakiness, so now we mostly just drink whiskey and talk shit about England. I hope she comes back though, she drank like a champ.”

8.) Bucket List: Full of borderline alcoholic activities, sexually adventurous deeds, and the occasional illegal challenge, bucket lists are packed with things to make your college experience awesome. Everyone knows that if you don’t complete every item on your bucket list you’ll be called the worst name in the book; chicken. Sleeping with a professor? Oh yeah, that’s definitely on any good bucket list. So what are you waiting for…chicken? 7.) Revenge Lay: Remember that cute guy in your English class you dated for a while? Remember when he broke your heart? Well, imagine how great it’ll feel to dangle that fine piece of man meat in front of your ex’s face while he sits there looking salty as hell. 6.) Gold Digger: College kids are broke, it’s a fact. What better way to save money than to make your PhD fuck buddy buy you shiny things? 5.) They’re Totally Coming On to You: Every day your professor asks to see you after class, but one day after everyone else leaves, the lights suddenly dim. Before you know it, they have their hand down your pants and are whispering naughty things in your ear. This might sound like a movie, but it’s not, it could happen forrealsies, so take the hint and wait for your moment because that’s what college is all about: getting finger banged on a professor’s desk. 4.) You’ll Actually Go to Class: Sleeping with the professor gives you that extra incentive to get your ass out of bed to go watch theirs for the whole class period. What’s better than spending the entire class period watching your professor innocently teach his students, meanwhile thinking about what an animal he is in the sack? It feels kind of dirty doesn’t it? That’s right. It does. And it’s a good thing. Embrace the filth. 3.) You Can’t Get Laid Otherwise: We all know “that guy.” There’s one in every group who, no matter how hard they try, just can’t seem to get any action from anyone; guys, girls, animals, nothing. If this sounds like you, then a professor might be your only option. Remember to go for the vulnerable ones, think old, think lonely. 2.) They’ve Got Experience: We’re not talking about experience in bed, though they will probably rock your world harder than that drunk frat guy who’s just good-looking enough to get tasty treats in downtownsville. No, we’re talking about life experience. After they screw you silly, professors can tell you long stories about the way things used to be. DID YOU EVEN KNOW BUBBLEGUM USED TO COST A NICKEL? No, you didn’t, because you’re still banging Mike “not really ugly” Finnigan. 1.) Booty Calls are Never a Bad Thing: When you don’t want the old ball and chain commitment, but you’re looking to play with balls and chains, knowing that there’s someone around to have no-strings-attached sex is the bomb.com. Don’t think professors are above booty calls—everybody needs love. Even fat chicks, according to this hilarious t-shirt I saw.

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ON THE STREETS WHAT WOULD YOU NAME YOUR OWN BRAND OF MALT LIQUOR? Kieran, Senior

“5:00 Shadow.”

Kate, Junior

“Salty Weiner.”

Mike, Senior

“Falcon Punch.”

THE LODGE ADDS FANTASY SUITE OPTIONS TO ALREADY OVERPRICED APARTMENTS VERONICA SILVERADO WROTE THIS

The Lodge on Willow, or as most ISU students call it “those crazy expensive apartments filled with cokeheads”, has announced they will be adding Fantasy Suite Options onto some of their apartments. Young America Manager Stephen Holtz is the genius behind the idea. “We’re giving the students what they want: sex,” Holtz said in an interview last week. “They asked for a Plan B vending machine, and we gave it to them! But we didn’t stop there, now these young adults can have all of the passionate, unprotected sex they want in lavish rooms decorated to their specifications.” For you convenience, we have come up with a guide for choosing your fantasy suite options, all based on your wealth. IF YOUR PARENTS MAKE UNDER $400K A YEAR THERE IS NO REASON TO CONTINUE READING. If your parents are: Wealthy Oil Barons… Then the Americana Room is for you. We know that you frat boys would give

just about anything to roll around with your lady friend in an American flag. Because… ‘MERICA! This room will give you the freedom to truly lose yourself in Western nostalgia. It comes with red, white, and blue bed sheets, a horse saddle, and a whole assortment of cowboy hats. The room also comes with a complimentary music player installed that plays “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” on repeat. Get ready for a lot of reverse cowgirl, dudes. If your parents are: Web Designers… Then the Cosplay Fantasy Room is for you. Your undoubtedly horny inner-nerd will come out the moment you enter this room. A whole closetful of costume options awaits you—and it has adequate storage for your X-rated manga and anime collection. The wonderful people at The Lodge have even provided a web cam for you to capture your awkward sex for all your friends and strangers to see. The amateur tab on PornHub will love it. If your parents are: Corporate CEOs…

Then the BDSM Room is for you. If you were raised by a combination of physically and emotionally distant parents and a series of au pairs, then you’ve got the expensive taste needed to appreciate this room. You enjoy the finer things in life, and by the “finer things” we mean whips and chains. Rihanna understands you. In this room, you’ll find sex swings, a whip wall, a bed to handcuff your lover to, maybe even a cage for when you want to get really weird. Just be aware that The Lodge isn’t responsible for any injuries suffered in this room… God knows there will be a lot. If your parents are: Movie Producers… Then the Hollywood Glamour Room is for you. All the carpet is red carpet so you can always feel like the center of attention, even if you’re just sitting in your PJs taking a quick sniff of your friend’s Vyvanse to start your day. With the added bonus that it’s every amateur actor’s dream to throw down and get dirty on the red carpet. This room comes with a heart-

shaped bed, for you fantasy suite traditionalists. This room is so classy you’ll feel like Leonardo DiCaprio if he had actually won an Oscar. If your parents are: Doctors… Then the Hospital Room is for you. Honestly, who hasn’t visited someone in the hospital and thought to themselves, “I wanna fuck in here”? Well here’s your chance. This room comes with a fully stocked pharmacy, an old, squeaky hospital bed, some highly fashionable

hospital gowns, and even a few syringes. Totally unqualified people say that sex is a good cure for headaches, and we think this by far the best place to do it. It definitely beats Tylenol, which you will never need to buy again… because this room has lotsss of Percocet. The Black Sheep hopes this guide has been informative and that the next time you’re sexing it up at The Lodge, ballsdeep in someone’s hoo-ha, or someone is balls-deep in yours, you think of us.

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FIRST TRANS CEREAL BOX MASCOT GIVES SPEECH AT HEWETT HALL STRAWBERRY WROTE THIS Hewett Hall’s Unit One Program is renowned for bringing artists, performers, writers and other culture makers who you’ve “probably never heard of” to campus. During their stay, these Guests-in-Residence provide a series of educational programs for dorm-dwellers, keeping them up to date on the music, art and writing that no one else will ever hear about. This week, Hewett Hall is excited to announce that their guest is none other than the beloved children’s cereal mascot formerly known as Captain Crunch.

in gender and women’s studies and resident at Hewett Hall. “It was incredibly brave of her to come forward, and I think that the university should exclusively offer Captain—sorry—Madam Munch cereals at all of their dining facilities in order to show support.”

stayed true to herself.

When Garrett was asked if she had been involved in the recent protests on campus against the school board’s decision to cut funding for trans-student healthcare, she gave no comment.

This weekend’s visit marks the very first public appearance since the mascot has come out as transgender. Earlier this week, in a historic moment for LGBT rights and visibility that had soccer mom activists across the country racing to their local Walmart to show support, the mascot came out officially as a trans-woman, who has since officially changed her name to Madam Munch.

"THE UNIVERSITY SHOULD EXCLUSIVELY OFFER CAPTAIN—SORRY—MADAM MUNCH CEREALS AT ALL OF THEIR DINING FACILITIES IN ORDER TO SHOW SUPPORT.”

Munch is especially thankful for the individuals who have turned her private life into a marketing campaign. “Everyone close to me has known and supported me for years, but the corporate boys upstairs have been pressuring me for a while now to come out,” Munch said. “Every time another ‘First Openly Gay Basketball Player’ story—you know, ‘First Gay CEO’ or ‘First Lesbian Bus Driver’—would come off the presses, they’d come to me and say, ‘Munch, if you wait too long, and Tony the Tiger or one of those goddamn CrackSnapple-Pop circle-jerkers beats you to it, you won’t be able to capitalize on it.’ So I thought now was a good a time as ever.”

“I’ve always been an ally to the transcommunity, and I stand with Madam Munch,” said Alina Garrett, a sophomore

Campus reaction to the news has mostly been positive, and Munch’s three events scheduled for this weekend have already sold out. Amongst the campus’ growing excitement, the cartoon mascot has

“Well, to be honest with you, this is who I’ve always been,” said Munch, “and it’s more than liberating to finally be out in the open with it. I’m thankful for their support.”

Quaker Oats, the company behind the household brand, has embraced Munch’s decision to go public. According to a

spokesperson for the company, they’re excited to be on board with this exciting economic opportunity, citing growing LGBT support in younger shoppers as a primary incentive to go public with Munch’s gender identity. “Old transphobic Republicans,” according to one source, “don’t eat Peanut Butter Crunch, anyway.” That demographic’s cereal choice was traditionally Cheerios, but ever since they aired a not-even-alittle-bit-we-don’t-know-how-the-fuckanybody-could-seriously-think-this-iscontroversial controversial commercial

featuring an interracial couple, studies suggest that old, racist white people have been sticking with Raisin Bran. Madam Munch’s three events this weekend, while sold out, are rumored to expand audience numbers through ticket raffles and generous donations to the Quaker Oats Corporation. The schedule for the weekend is as follows: Accepting Your Body: Getting to Know Your SquareShaped Corn/Oat Puffs, What about the Bride of Franken-berry? The Misogyny in Halloween Cereals, and Quaker Oats General Stockholders Conference.

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STUDENT WHO GAVE UP JESUS FOR LENT SAYS IT’S GOING “PRETTY OKAY, ACTUALLY” RIMA PARIKH WROTE THIS Midway through Lent, junior Stella McGivern is “doing fine,” as she works through her decision to give up Jesus for Lent. After contemplating between whether to give up checking her Yahoo Shine horoscope or not, she decided to make the ultimate sacrifice: giving up Jesus. Being a lifelong Catholic, this was initially a giant change for her; however, she has allegedly been doing “just fine, totally” and that her life has been “exponentially better than how it was with Jesus.” Her heritage goes back to medieval Ireland, where her Catholic roots originated. “My family’s been devoutly Catholic since forever, like back when people used to shit in buckets and stuff,” she explained. “We’ve always been especially serious about Lent—we celebrate it every month.” Thus far, McGivern has participated in 263 months of Lent, beginning from when she was a fetus. She was beginning to run out of things to give up, as chocolate, reality TV and three of her six toes are all out of the question. McGivern rationalized her decision to drop Jesus, saying: “I wanted

to give up something that was significant to me, just to show how committed I am to this thing. Also, I need to know which Arab Spring dictator I am, so giving up Buzzfeed quizzes won’t be possible at this time.”

"She has reportedly found this to be absolutely freeing, revealing that 'being a good Samaritan kinda sucked.'” As an alternative to her Christian faith, she first dabbled in Scientology; however, after reminding herself that you had to make at least $3 million per year to be a Scientologist, she ended up switching to full-blown atheism. She has reportedly found this to be absolutely freeing, revealing that “being a good Samaritan kinda sucked.”

“I think she’s having a little too much fun with this,” commented Remus McGivern, her father. “She keeps saying things like, ‘We shouldn’t be hampered by traditional notions of religion,’ and ‘Where was God when Grandma fell into that industrial furnace, huh?’ We didn’t raise her to be this demon-child without values.” “I’ve just been stressing the importance of the individual and our independent choices,” she responded defiantly. “You don’t need a higher power to tell you how to live your life. So far, I’ve gotten like, six abortions in the past couple of weeks. It’s been awesome!” She then proceeded to steal a Twix bar from a small child, which was like, so atheist of her. Luckily, we were able to get a word from The Man himself, Jesus Christ. When McGivern’s name was brought up, He rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Let’s be honest, it isn’t much of a loss now, is it? She used to be okay, but like a week ago, I saw her taking Jell-O shots in a public restroom. Her life’s clearly

going downhill without Me, but it’s her choice. I don’t want to be involved with that hot mess. Anyway, I’m going to go deal with Syria now or something,” Jesus said. “The devil can take that bitch, like honestly.” Pope Francis stepped in, claiming that “He didn’t really mean that, now did you, babe?” According to bystanders, he alleg-

edly shot a furtive glance to Christ, whispering something about “how we have like, five fucking followers right now, so like, let’s not talk shit about them, okay?” According to McGivern, this has been the most liberating experience of her life; she plans to stay atheist. As part of her spiritual journey, she hopes to tackle radical feminism in the near future.

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Relationship Status: Single Favorite Drink: Maker’s Mark

BARTENDER

Favorite Shot: Maker’s Mark Disgusting Drink: Tequila and Tabasco

ROCKSTAR OF THE WEEK Paul of Fat Jack’s

What’s your favorite rap line?: “I love bad bitches, that’s my fucking problem.” Why shouldn’t we ask you to borrow some money?: I need to spend it on Maker’s Mark.

What’s the least-used liquor behind your bar?: Scotch

What carnival game, if forced, would you bet your life on?: Whirl top. Because I don’t fucking know.

Has anyone ever tried to pay for a drink with something other than money or sex?: Yeah, absolutely. Someone offered their t-shirt to me once.

Would you rather push a grandma down the stairs or shit all over the bed during sex?: I’d rather shit in bed. Pushing my grandma is too mean.

How long do you think you could spin in a circle behind the bar without hitting something or someone?: I could spin forever. I have perfect balance.

I know what you are, but what am I?: A chichi. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s pretty funny and it has a lot of useful information.

RECIPE for DISASTER

DRINKING GAME Finger Bowl

Ramen Fried Rice

Drinking games are usually based on skill, which is why, Jesus Christ, Arnold, hit the f***ing cup once in a while, man! Finally we get to share a game based on luck, meaning finally, Arnold, we can mitigate your overall awfulness.

Listen, we know you’re in college and living cheap. If you’re sick of eating at the same Chinese joint that failed its past 11 health inspections or if you’re just too hungover to walk over there, then check out our recipe for Ramen Fried Rice.

What You’ll Need: 1 bowl, different types of alcohol and some fingers. Number of Players: As many that can fit around a table. Level of Intoxication: One person could puke pretty fast, that’s for sure.

What You’ll Need: 1 package of oriental ramen noodles, 1/2 cup peas, 2 eggs, 1 teaspoon sesame oil, 1 pinch white pepper, 1 tablespoon peanut oil, 4 green onions (finely chopped), 1 teaspoon chopped garlic and 1/2-1 cup chopped chicken Cook Time: About five minutes Risk of Self-Induced Food Poisoning: HIGH

How to Play: - Get a bowl and place it in the center of a table. - Everyone should pour some of their alcohol into the bowl. The drinks can be anything—beer, tequila, a rum and Coke, whatever. You can put as much or as little as you want in there as well. - Everyone stands around the table and places one finger on the lip of the bowl. So if there are five people playing, there should be five fingers on the bowl (duh). - All players close their eyes. - One person counts to three. At the count of one, decided whether or not to remove your finger from the bowl. - After he says “three,” everyone shouts out how many fingers they think will remain on the bowl. - Each person needs to account for the number the person to their right announces. - For example, the counter shouts, “one, two, three!” and you say “six,” if there are six fingers left on the bowl, you are out and can sit off to the side until the game is done. - The counter can vary the pace they say the numbers to mess people up when trying to pull their fingers away. - The last person standing has to drink the mixture in the bowl. The Game Ends When: There’s vomit in the bowl, because there probably will be.

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Let’s Get Baked: - Break the noodles into about six pieces in a bowl, sprinkle with the contents of the seasoning packet and pour boiling water over to cover. - Stir a bit and let soak while you prepare the rest of the recipe. - Rinse peas with hot water in a colander to defrost. - Mix together the eggs, sesame oil, and pepper and set aside. - Heat skillet and add oil. - Add garlic and green onions, stir-fry for 30 seconds. - Add optional meat and peas and stir fry until hot, about one minute. - Drain the noodles well, add to the skillet and stir-fry for another two minutes, stirring constantly. - Stir in the soy sauce. - Pour the eggs into the skillet and continue to cook and stir until the eggs are cooked. - Serve If your stomach doesn’t feel like it’s swimming in acid 15 minutes after eating, then congrats, you won’t die!

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

eleven reasons

(and a half )

why you should stop kidnapping the elderly Tex Mex wrote this We know what you’re thinking: “Seriously, The Black Sheep, are you trying to suck the fun out of my Friday nights?” Trust us, we’re more upset about corporate making us write this as some stupid “learn from your mistakes/help us get out of the legal trouble you caused us” piece. So, as useless as it sounds, here’s 11 ½ reasons why you should stop kidnapping the elderly.

1. it’s just too expensive of a hobby

3.you’re running out of ideas for ransom letters

Studies have shown that smoking a pack of cigarettes everyday for a year can end up costing over $2,000. A year of kidnapping old people could cost you $1,000 alone on gas (depending on the location of your preferred retirement home), over $2,000 in pre-chewed foods, $3,000 for assorted entertainment like silk doilies and seasons of Golden Girls on DVD, and $500 for parts and maintenance. Unless you’ve kidnapped an aging Mr. Monopoly, your stupid part-time job isn’t going to cut it.

For the first couple of weeks, there was nothing quite as exciting as writing to morbidly stressed-out family members that you have their dear Gammy Marjorie captive and she’s worth approximately “X” amount of dollars. Nowadays, you’re likely too busy to cut individual letters from magazines and you’re running out of eerie, foggy piers to host transactions. You can always send a, “Hi, [FAMILY NAME]. This is [CAPTIVE ELDER]. I am doing fine,” card, but where’s the soul in that?

2. you have your own grandparents Depending on how long you’ve been up to your shenanigans, you could have anywhere from three to three hundred stolen elders crammed into your basement. Why ignore the perfectly sound grandparents you already have at your disposal? We know about the stack of unopened, cheesy Christmas cards sitting on your desk waiting to be opened. For shame.

4. your car will get that new “old people” smell At this point, you definitely shouldn’t be driving your mom’s matte black minivan for your raids anymore because it’s not exactly the most inconspicuous looking vehicle. Depending on how ransom money has gone (if you’re into that sort of thing), you’ve probably treated yourself to a nice early-2000s Honda Civic, or at least a car that makes wide scale abduction a little more tasteful and environmentally friendly. But it’s only a matter of time before that “scented pine” air freshener yields to “formaldehyde and prunes.”

ELEVEN REASONS / STOP KIDNAPPING THE ELDERLY

5. you’re tired of being mistaken for someone’s grandchild Agnes tells you every day that you remind her of her handsome, strapping-young-lad-of-a-grandson, David, and it’s breaking your fucking heart. For the first few weeks, it was fun to humor the Alzheimer’s sufferers of the lot, taking on different personas they found heartwarming. You probably haven’t realized that you ended up with a wicked case of multiple personality disorder, a few good-and-confused elders, and a writhingly depressing story that will probably get picked up by Spielberg in time for the next Academy Awards.

6. they’re causing you to seriously doubt your generation You probably thought that the whole “Back in my day…” story intro was only in the movies, and boy-oh-boy, you couldn’t have been more wrong. At this point, you had to have gone through enough of Boris’ talks about the early 50s to know that being a Millennial is bad, and you should feel horrible about it. Did you know that, back in his day, Americans used to be afraid of red-stained, good-for-nothing Commie bastards rather than flat-out electing one as President? Or how about the fact that Elvis was the real king of rock before those damned Beatles brought long hair and sex appeal to this once-fine country? Yeah, the 90s sure were better times, huh?

7. they don’t make the best sweatshop laborers Let’s be honest for a second, buddy: We all know that some people are in this business just for the money, and that passionless person could very well be you. The flaw in your likely failing operation is that you’ve been abducting the wrong age demographic this whole time. When you order Gertrude to tweak the inner screws of the textile machine, did you take into account that she needs reading glasses? Not to mention that you’ve probably been breaking some sort of labor law because of some dumb Retirement Act that forces you to treat your aging workers like people. You’re operating at a loss, friend, and it might be time to file for bankruptcy before you’re as old as your work force.

8. you’re almost out of random relatives to impersonate It was easy enough the first time to just stroll on in Shady Oaks and proclaim that you were Bobby [LAST NAME], fit and able to pick up your dear Grandpa [LAST NAME

FROM EXCEL SHEET] before wheeling his confused ass straight from the exit ramp to the back of your trunk. However, only an amateur old people snatcher would dare waltz into a nursing home with the same disguise twice. Forty-seven fake occupations and innumerable drag outfits that even Mrs. Doubtfire would find questionable later, your only viable options at this point probably rely heavily on skin pigmentation. Then again, with your track record, it may be clear that the reception staff clearly doesn’t give a shit of who stays and who goes.

9. your social life is suffering Remember the good old days when your friends wanted to play “house” and you always wanted to be the grandparent? Or when you would always insist in high school that you be called “The Grandpappy” with zero explanation? You even don’t go out dressed like a pigeon for the old ladies at the park to get closer to their soft, sagging skin nearly as much as you used to. In between those pastimes and listening to Lawrence Welk vinyls, it’s hard to believe why you would ever even consider kidnapping old people in the first place.

10. you’re eventually going to have to tell the nurse you’ve fallen in love with what you “really” do Your stops at the reception desk are becoming more than just “small-talk chats.” Your first couple dates with Mary were wonderful, and there’s no doubting she’s an absolute angel. Hell, you’re set to meet the parents next week. You know the inevitable “So, X, what exactly do you do for a living?” question is going to pop up, and “entrepreneur” just isn’t going to cut it anymore.

11. you’ve begun to realize that changing catheters isn’t as fun as it sounds To an extent, this one’s very much like hyping up alcohol as a teenager, only to find out that it loses its thrill very

quickly. If you’ve been someone who’s been an equal opportunity kidnapper supporting all old folks without preference, good on you, but that decision’s about to bite you square in the tuckus. Your house smells more of elderly urine than the usual aroma of cat urine, and it has likely made all of the cats you stole last summer incredibly jealous. If you can’t balance the overpowering stench of household urine across all kidnapped parties, you may as well admit that you don’t take abducting geezers seriously, and that’s pretty upsetting to us.

11 1/2. You’ve realized that the police are outside your house Like, they’re literally about to burst through the front door right now. We agreed to tip them off in order to lessen our own sentence. We sincerely apologize, but if it took you the full 11 1/2 reasons before you realized that you needed to get the hell out of dodge and let your people go, then you probably deserved to get caught anyway. Sorry!

THE COLLEGE GAMEDAY SEEK AND FIND Can you find all of the images below in this College Gameday scene?

the crossword famous steve(n)s ACROSS: 3) American political satirist, comedian and television host. 6) Steve Irwin died from this animal. 8) Steve Jobs created this revolutionary brand. 10) Steve Carell shouts this person’s name while getting waxed in 40 YearOld Virgin, two words. 12) This famous Stephen is a celebrity physicist. 14) Shia LaBeouf was the lead actos in this Disney Channel show, two words. 16) He directed Jaws and E.T., just to name a few. 17) Stephen Colletti, also

know at “Ste-phennnn!” was first daying who on Laguna Beach? 19) This fictional Steve famously said, “Did I do that?” DOWN: 1) In our humble opinion, the best host of Family Feud. 2) Stephen Hillenburg created this popular Nickelodean animated series. 3) Steven Tyler is the lead singer of this band. 7) This famous Stevie sang “Edge of Seventeen.” 8) This Steve is Stone Cold 9) Brothers Alex, Daniel, Wiliam and Stephen.11)

Stephen, the “City Surrounded by Gold, is in which state? 13) Blind musician born in Saginaw, Michigan. 15) This Stephen wrote the lyrics for West Side Story. 18) Stephen King’s The Shining has this infamous saying, two words.

six degrees of separation

do you know how chevy chase and quentin tarantino are connected? send your answers to sixdegrees@theblacksheeponline.com and if you’re right, you’ll win a sweet prize!

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