Perfectly Imperfect

“Perfectly Imperf e ct”

By Jane Foley Fried Brearley Head of School

Ask any Brearley teacher and she or he will tell you that the best part of being at this school is the opportunity to work with the students here. Their earnestness, integrity, love of learning, compassion and diverse backgrounds inspire us. But all of that is about how we see our students and may not resonate 100 percent with how they see themselves.

Research that I was involved with prior to coming to Brearley suggests that girls’ choices about courses or leadership positions are related to their self-perception as much or more than their grades and test scores or other external assessments. In other words, their aspirations are not based, as one might imagine, on the potential or talent others see in them, but rather on the qualities they identify in themselves.

Over the past two years, students here have sponsored works that focus on perfectionism in girls.

For her senior project, one student created an interpretive portrait series of her classmates, which explored their perspectives on perfectionism, entitled “Flawless: The Importance of Being Imperfect.” Her goal was to debunk the myth of perfection by sharing the stories of her classmates, who each came to realize that perfection is unattainable and that its pursuit left them feeling empty—until they embraced who they were and the many contributions they made to their school, friends and family.

Perfectionistic tendencies can interfere with our achieving our goals. Perfectionism can make us preoccupied with a fear of failure, whereas healthy striving keeps our efforts and achievements in perspective.

I knew this was an issue for me in 8th grade. Throughout my childhood, I had raced against my neighborhood pal, who was always one step ahead of me. In our last year of middle school, a few boys and girls were invited to compete in a high school field day. Sure enough, my friend and I advanced to the finals of the 9th grade 100-yard dash. With about 3,000 students in the high school, I remember this being a very big deal for both of us. Once the starter gun went off and I hit my stride, I looked to my right and saw that my friend, who had started the race with me, wasn’t there. I then did something that, to this day, I still can’t believe: I stopped. In front of hundreds of spectators and all those high school students, I slowed to a walk. I don’t remember making a decision to stop racing— it was an involuntary reflex. She wasn’t a step ahead of me, as I was conditioned to expect, and in response I stopped running. Unbelievable! Everyone thought I stopped because I was concerned that my friend, who had pulled out of the race with a strained muscle, was injured. Being embarrassed about the incident, I didn’t disabuse them of their notion. But it wasn’t true. I stopped because I was so focused on her being ahead of me that I could not fathom winning. Her speed wasn’t my biggest competition: I was my biggest competition. Later on, my friend admitted that she may have pulled out of the race because she feared I was going to beat her. What a pair we were! Although the perfectionist psychology is rarely in as bold relief as it was on that day, it is a challenge many of us will face at some point in our lives.

I believe that in moments when we shift from healthy striving to perfectionism, a gap opens between who we are and how we behave. We separate from our true self.

One of our students said the advice she would give her younger self would be: “Success— or what I perceive to be success—isn’t more important than happiness, and happiness doesn’t come only from success.”

But what if we could develop a model in which happiness and success are compatible? What if you could define your own individual notions of success and happiness, and had the support you needed to strive in healthy ways? At Brearley, students and teachers are exploring these questions and their answers. Together, we are working to encourage levels of joy and fearlessness that match our extraordinary academic program—strategies and skills our students and graduates will carry with them far beyond Brearley. It is a model we hope helps girls here and elsewhere. In today’s world, it is a model every bit as radical and revolutionary as our founding mission.