Attitude toward solitude

DUA contributing columnist

Do you remember the simpler and innocent days of your childhood? The moments where you’d be nervous and excited about going to a new classroom or starting a new grade? You might’ve felt anxious and concerned about whether you’d make any friends or fit in, but by recess you’d have a whole new group of friends to play with. Do you miss those days? I do. As adults, making friends isn’t as simple as it was in kindergarten. Making friends is complicated and it doesn’t get any easier as you get older. It’s elusive, they’re difficult to find and keep, and sometimes friendships can be illusive, deceptive and insincere.

We’re such an individualistic society. It seems we only look at friendships as a matter of what we can get out of them instead of as an opportunity to form a trusting kinship. We also prioritize romantic relationships so much we let our friendships fall into the back seat of importance. Though many people want to have others in their lives they can relate to and feel like they have a place where they fit in, they often lack those friendships.

Cigna Group’s 2020 report on loneliness uses UCLA’s loneliness scale, which specifies loneliness as a score of 43 and above, to state that 61% of Americans are lonely. Cigna Group also reports young adults ages 18-24 are twice as likely to feel lonely than people aged 66 and older. Many of us want to make friends, but why is it challenging?

JMU has 20,346 undergraduate students, according to its fall 2022 statistics. With this many students, it can seem that it would be easy to make friends and connections, but unfortunately that’s not the case. It feels like the more people we have around us, the lonelier we become and the more drowned out we feel our voices get in the ocean of others.

Some might attribute their loneliness to a lack of a romantic partner instead of a lack of a friend group. There’s a perception in society that the only place where we can get emotional fulfillment and acceptance is within the confines of a signigicant other. This belief is so strong that we’re willing to sacrifice friendships in order to maintain or acquire a relationship. So, could part of the reason for our loneliness be that we’re only looking toward romantic relationships for companionship? When you put all of your focus on a romantic partner for all of your intimacy, emotional fulfillment and sociability, then you have the risk of having no one if that relationship ends. People need to learn that friendships are just as important as romantic relationships and both need to be cherished and nurtured.

Could this tendency to focus on one person for all of our emotional needs be complicated human biology?

between male and female friendships in an interview with podcast host Chris Williamson. In the interview, he describes how women’s friendships are built off one-on-one conversations that involve relationships, the social world and emotions. Also, what keeps friendships going between women is the frequency they’re able to communicate with each other. Women’s friendships can also be more fragile and prone to breaking than men’s. The frequency of conversation oftentimes doesn’t affect the strength of men’s friendships; instead, it’s how often they do activities together. Also, male friendships can be more stable because they’re oftentimes spread among many people, are tightly connected to a team or organization and men are less resentful in conflict. However, male friendships that we’re not fully present with them and that’s something’s ‘a little off.’”

Kerr also suggests that loneliness can create a self-fulfilling prophecy and if we become worried about rejection, we might behave in a way that causes it.

Could a reason for the high rates of loneliness today be that we’re all more occupied with our cellphones and internet friends to make friends in real life? According to the Pew Research Center, 54% of teens say it would be hard to give up social media. We can look at our social media accounts and see hundreds and thousands of people’s names. But how many of us can state more than a few names of friends we communicate with weekly? Our social media notifications can light up like a Christmas tree, but our cellphones will be as dry as the Sahara Desert.

A 2021 article titled “Loneliness in America,” published by Harvard’s media can amplify feeling lonely, unwanted and rejected through the perception of not having enough likes and viewing curated images posted on social media. It can intensify longing for understanding and connection. Also, young people commonly are less satisfied and feel more distant in their relationships than older adults. can drift apart instead of breaking. talked about the differences

Making friends can be hard, but it shouldn’t have to be. I know the anxiety of being in a new environment and wondering if you can relate to anyone around you. In my previous major, I felt like everyone around me was from a different planet. I couldn’t relate to anything that anyone around me talked about. I felt like I was just moving with the tide. When we’re putting ourselves out there to make friends, we ask ourselves if we’re really making friends or just close acquaintances. I realized I was surrounded by people, but I felt the most alone I’ve ever felt.

There’s a difference between a friend and a close acquaintance, and what I had were close acquaintances. The worst way to find out your friend is a close acquaintance is when you realize you can’t depend on them. My friendships were illusive. We had little in common and they didn’t understand me as a person. Many of us want to develop strong friendships like the ones we grew up watching on TV, but those true friendships are elusive — hard to find. For some of us, that’s one of the reasons we chose to go to a big university. Because we hoped we’d make those types of friendships. But as you go through university, friendships can be like playing musical chairs: You make a friend during the semester, then you end that friendship and find another.

The Harvard Graduate School of Education report also described a 2013 survey that compared the level of importance of high achievement, happiness and caring for others among young people. Almost 80% of those surveyed picked some aspect of success, high achievement or happiness, and only 20% picked caring for others. The report expressed families and schools do little to nurture the skills necessary for establishing caring friendships. For example, the capacity to listen, ask questions, identify feelings in others and respond to the negative feelings of others with sensitivity.

JMU psychology professor Natalie Kerr said she believes in this modern age we’re living in, we’ve all become disconnected. She attributes individualism, social media and distractions from smart phones as possible reasons.

Robin Dunbar, an anthropologist and evolutionary psychologist at the University of Oxford,

“All of us are wired for connection and when we don’t get enough of it, we suffer emotionally as well as physically,” Kerr said. “Loneliness distorts our thinking … This distorted thinking can create a barrier to connection, causing others to perceive

Graduate School of Education, states about half of the young adults it surveyed reported that no one in the past few weeks had taken time to ask how they were doing in a way that made them feel cared for. Forty-two percent of respondents said they have fewer people outside of their family who care about them than they’d like. The article also stated that loneliness can lead to depression, anxiety, heart disease, domestic abuse and substance abuse, and that lacking social connection has the same level of health risks as heavy smoking, drinking and obesity.

The report also detailed how social from RELATIONSHIPS, page 26

Despite the difficulty of building friendships for modern youth, sophomore Matt McCaskill holds a positive view on the issue. He defines this generation’s perspective on friendship as friendships that are many in number and easier to keep in contact with due to social media. The only downside is the bond between friends might not be as strong and sincere. Some of them might be superficial, but he hopes most friendships are sincere and genuine. McCaskill thinks this generation values friendship and that many of his friendships are genuine and will last after graduation.

His advice for students struggling to make friends is to “Take care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually. Have a positive outcome on life and the time you have at JMU because you won’t be here forever.”

Kerr also offered advice for students at JMU: “Expect the best. Go into a social situation expecting that people will like you. Research shows most of us underestimate how much others like us. Get out of your head. During conversation, try to really focus on what the other person is saying instead of what’s running through your mind.”

Kerr recommends that students be patient when pursuing friendships and to think of social connection as a muscle that becomes stronger with practice.

With age friendships become less effortless and if we want to make deep friendships that will last through time, we must make an effort to keep in contact with our friends. This means knowing how to balance the commitments of a romantic relationship and friendship. Also, we need to choose people we have things in common with. Making friends shouldn’t be a matter of having someone to go to parties with or someone you only hang out with after a breakup. When making friends, we must consistently ask ourselves: Do they understand me as a person and is this someone I can always depend on?

CONTACT Jacqueline Dua at duaja@ dukes.jmu.edu. For more editorials regarding the JMU and Harrisonburg communities, follow the opinion desk on Instagram and Twitter @Breeze_Opinion.