Arrival

By: Elaine Lutton

Ido not object to being referred to as “Darling” or “Dear” by close friends or family, in fact, I quite like it, it would be churlish not to.

However, I do feel these terms of endearment should only be used by those who know one well. Why is it that with increasing age, complete strangers feel free to infantilize one again? Between young lovers "Babe" may be permissible but at my age? Really! Please do not use a means of address that might possibly be appropriate when speaking to a small child, though even here, I have my doubts. A few white hairs and one becomes Darling, Sweetie, Honey, Cherub, etc. My name is Elaine, or Mrs Lutton if we are being formal. If you do not know my name and the acquaintance is brief and casual, a smile will be more than sufficient. Recently, I have found myself counting the times during a twenty-four period, I have been spoken to in terms of what I consider to be gross over-familiarity. I am no one's furry animal so “Pet” is totally inappropriate nor do I wish to be put on a lead and taken for "walkies", and considering my penchant for bad behaviour, “Cherub” or “Angel” is equally without merit. I am no one's sucker, so “Sweetie” can be binned, along with other such sugary sobriquets as “Honey”. Anyone who is not blind can see that I am no longer a “young lady” and though I like to keep myself presentable, I am not, and to be honest, never have been, “Gorgeous” or even “Lovely”. I did wonder if only females had to tolerate such names so I consulted some of my gentleman friends and found to my relief that this was not the case at all. My twentyone-year-old grandson, who is working in a responsible position, commented that he is frequently referred to as “Sport” or “Champ” due to his youth, whilst “Buddy” or “Cobber” are not infrequently used. I have an older friend who has a particular aversion to being referred to as “Mate”. He has been known to complain that unless the individual concerned has designs of getting him “in the cot and becoming intimate with him", he would very much prefer the use of his baptismal name. He is even more old-fashioned than I am and confesses that as far as he is concerned, most endearments, if not all, should be used strictly within the confines of the bedroom. The term “Darling” presents a little of a conundrum. It can be used as a genuine term of endearment, such as is used between married couples who are comfortable in each other's affection. It is even used by couples who share similar confidence in their relationship. All well and good! Where I have difficulty is the “theatrical” use of the term; the late Jeanie Little did this for humorous intent, very successfully, with her “Oh Dahling!” and left us in no doubt that she was being funny with her outrageous costumes and comments. I have more problems with the use of the term when it is used in such a way as one is not quite sure as to the genuineness of the word; affection, theatre, or what? An oddity that my Mother used for all and sundry, regardless of age or sex, was “Mi Duck”. She was born in Leicestershire, UK, and in those parts, it is a common appellation, used for young and old, male or female. Very democratic! A proud poultry contribution to the terms of endearment. We need more of such non-sexist and non-age-ist terms. Lovey” is a word that has its perils, being far too close to “Love” for comfort. Now that is a word that should be used very selectively. Personally, I keep the latter strictly for members of my own family. Phone calls are always ended with “Love you” and it is meant. Extreme care should be taken when using the word in romantic relationships, if used it must be meant. There is no way back. The random use of familiar names should be avoided where possible. There are books written about terms that should be avoided when dealing with the general public such as customers, colleagues, or even strangers. The use of these terms may not be intended to be patronising or condescending but that is what they are. A little dignity and decorum will oil the wheels of social interaction and keep everyone happy. That is what names are for.