NOT THE FANTALE!

In a previous life – when I wrote a column for the Courier-Mail – I wrote an incisive piece about the loss of the Columbine lolly. This chocolate, sweet, sticky dietdefying sweet was one of my favourites and oh, how I mourned its demise.

As if that weren’t enough I now read that the fabulous Fantale – you know, with the probing quizzes about Australian celebrities on the wrapper –is being discontinued. After 93 years of faithful service to dentists the nation over, Allens has blithely decided to ‘delete’ this wonderful little lolly from our supermarket shelves from 23 July. And without a word of warning.

You see, I loved the Fantale, despite all its tooth-ravaging effects. Apart from its scrumptious taste and umami (that’s Japanese for ‘mouth-feel’), it increases the consumers’ knowledge about pop culture.

When I was running my writing workshop business (this seems like a distant dream) I provided only the best lollies for my clients. There would be no Mentos on my watch! Oh no. Behold the abundantly overflowing bowls on each table, crammed with Fantales and other sugary delicacies, designed to transport the participants into a sugary, compliant coma as they absorbed my considerable wisdom.

Not for the first time I wonder: are these delicious items becoming extinct because I momentarily stopped buying them?

I remember that dark age when the ‘triple treat’ icecream became extinct. There was no warning there either. Not a whisper. Admittedly I was momentarily distracted by the drumstick. But if I’d known my favourite was endangered I swear I would have taken up a petition, mounted a campaign — or at least bought a freezerful.

And then there was the cheesy muffin. Anyone remember them? These were a breakfast staple in our household — wonderfully dense, cheesy, chewy, muffin-ey. My daughter (being a very picky eater as a child) owes her existence to the cheesy muffin.

Once again, I took my eye off the ball (er, muffin) ever so briefly. Sure, there were a few short, meaningless flirtations (one morning stands) with the occasional bagel, and it’s true I had a brief fling with raisin toast (café style).

But I came back. I always do. I came back to the cheesy muffin. Well, to the shelf where the cheesy muffin should have been. And tragically, it had gone. Who knows where?

Quite apart from my feelings of utter devastation and loss, these experiences make me feel like I am the one who’s totally responsible for the continuation of certain comestibles — and that’s a lot of pressure for one consumer, folks.

I can’t be vigilant and true to my favourites all the time. It’s just not feasible.

Currently, I’m avidly supporting the Whittakers Coconut Slab and our relationship is constant and mutually satisfactory. But who can predict an uncertain future? Sure my tastebuds stray occasionally to the Ferrero Rocher chocolate and hazelnut confectionary. Will this spell the death of the coconut slab?

Clearly it’s too late for the Fantale, the cheesy muffin and the triple treat. But we must work together to preserve the Whittakers Coconut Slab. Years ago I proposed the establishment of a ‘coalition of the willing’ to protect beloved heritage foods from extinction. How about an ‘endangered eats’ blog?

Please – join my crusade immediately to save all our favourites from extinction.

Long live the Whittakers Coconut Slab!