Love, Learning & Leaving

There’s nothing like falling in love. Little compares to the happiness you feel when you see your partner, the habitual and slightly embarrassing smile you catch yourself making when you think of them. Love is love. But for some, what begins as love can turn into a joyless experience that is difficult and dangerous to escape.

Domestic violence is a complex issue, and the term itself is defined broadly to encompass the various types of behavior that are considered abusive. Also referred to as domestic abuse or intimate partner violence, domestic violence appears differently across relationships. Because of this, it is difficult for both victims and their friends and family to recognize a toxic relationship.

Many domestic abuse cases tend to go unreported for several years. According to a 2015 study by the United Nations, “Less than 40 percent of the women who experienced violence sought help of any sort. Among those who did, most looked to family and friends as opposed to the police and health services.”

For those who suspect they are in an abusive relationship, ask yourself the following questions:_ Has my partner ever been physically violent with me or have they threatened violence? Is my partner controlling of my behavior? Does my partner put me down, make me feel crazy or humiliate me? Does my partner threaten to hurt themselves if I do not comply with demands? Does my partner force me to engage in sexual behavior that I am not comfortable with?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, there is a strong possibility that you are experiencing abuse. It is important to remember that these behaviors don’t have to occur constantly for you to seek out support. While there may be positive moments in the relationship, they shouldn’t be overshadowed by feelings of fear of your partner.

Determining if a loved one is in an abusive relationship and addressing the abuse can be difficult for several reasons. In some cases, speaking to friends and family can jeopardize the safety of a victim. Often, the abuser will make a point to isolate their victim from their loved ones to deprive them of this crucial support.

G.F., a sophomore at BU, remembers witnessing domestic violence against her mother as a child. “

I would ask my mom, ‘How can you let him treat you like this?’ and she would say ‘I know it’s hard to understand, but he loves me so much. He says he’s sorry and he really means it,’” said G.F. “She accepted that she had nowhere to go, and no money for a home for us. So, she was ‘doing it for us.’ Plus, ‘it was better than being alone.’”

On college campuses, domestic violence is a prevalent issue that affects students in a vulnerable stage of their life. For many, going to college is the first glimpse of freedom. This, in conjunction with more responsibilities makes college a dangerous time in which many students may find themselves in unhealthy relationships.

C.D., a junior at BU, recalls her experience of an abusive relationship during her first year of school.

“I didn’t realize what was going on until he started physically hurting me. It started out with little things like him asking me to un-tag photos of myself with other guys [on Facebook] or always wanting to be with me even when he knew I had class and just being really controlling and mean when I didn’t do what he wanted,” she said. “He just never wanted me to be alone with anyone besides him.”

The abuse for C.D. continued through the holiday break of her freshman year with incessant texting from her then-boyfriend.

“It was like one minute he was threatening me because I wasn’t responding and the next minute he was telling me how much he loved me,” she said. “All I wanted was to be with my family and he wouldn’t let me be. When I got back to Boston, it wasn’t even a week before he started being physical. I didn’t feel like I could tell anyone because I was never alone and didn’t feel like I had anyone to tell because I had already been dating him so long.”

Break the Cycle, an advocacy group for young adults who have experienced abuse, reports “more than half (57%) of college students who report having been in an abusive dating relationship said it occurred in college.”

Abuse found on college campuses has increased due to social media. It perpetuates the cycle of abuse because it provides the means to gather information about individuals and even learn their whereabouts.

Break the Cycle found young adults who share their social media passwords with their partners are more likely to experience abuse. This also extends power to the abuser by limiting access to friends and family and preserving the image of a “happy relationship.”

“I literally couldn’t tell anyone because he went through everything on my social media,” said C.D. “He knew my passwords for everything and when I would try to change them he would get so defensive. I had no way to tell anyone anything because he always knew what was going on.”

Most parents are not even aware of this issue. Love Is Respect, an organization dedicated to preventing intimate partner violence, reports that 81 percent of parents do not believe that domestic violence is a problem for young adults, and while 82 percent of parents believed that they would know if their child were in an abusive relationship, only about 58 percent accurately identified all of the warning signs.”

“Things kept getting worse until my parents came out to visit me and they kind of saw what was going on,” said C.D. “I remember them telling me that they felt uncomfortable with him and they felt like I should stay in their hotel that weekend. I completely broke down and finally told them and from there we just kind of dealt with it.”

Another issue facing collegiate victims of abuse is the lack of awareness of available resources. Break the Cycle notes, “38 percent of college students say they don’t know how to get help for themselves on campus if they were a victim of dating abuse.”

If you are in an abusive relationship and are ready to seek support, there are many resources available. Boston University provides students experiencing domestic violence information and support through the Sexual Assault Response and Prevention Center (SARP); however, if you find yourself in immediate danger call either emergency services (911) or the BU Police. Contact information for both SARP and BUPD can be found on the back of your Terrier Card.

Recovering from an abusive relationship is often compared to processing grief. Emotions come in stages, and living in each moment presents a unique challenge. Leaving a partner, even an abusive one, is a loss; overcoming that loss is a difficult and painful process. One of the many important steps of recovery is being kind to yourself and knowing that you did not deserve the way you were treated.

Your relationship should make you feel happy and safe. There will be moments when you and your partner disagree, bicker and even become angry, but nothing warrants physical, emotional or sexual abuse of any kind. Communication is a large part of starting and maintaining a healthy relationship; it is important to listen and respect your partner’s opinions and vice versa.

Building a healthy relationship starts at the beginning. Setting boundaries early and being vocal about what you need and expect from your partner is normal and healthy. Being upfront with your expectations of the relationship can be scary, but it’s better to know then and there if your partner can’t comply.

Setting boundaries also gives you an opportunity to protect yourself. Often victims of domestic abuse struggle to identify the final “line” their partner has crossed. By setting soundaries, it becomes easier to detect red flags and walk away from the relationship when it stops working. If your partner crossed those lines and violates your boundaries, hold and reinforce them.

It is important to remember you were an individual before you entered the relationship, and dating or marrying someone shouldn’t change that. You shouldn’t lose your friends and independence for the person you’re dating, and they shouldn’t try to take away the characteristics that make you uniquely you. Together, you and your partner should add to one another and complement each other’s differences, not take away from them.

Love has a funny way of making us do things we might not normally do. When we have a crush, we might act silly to get their attention or talk a little louder just so they might hear. Love is fun, and when we love someone, sometimes we have to accept the little things we can’t change about them. Abuse, however, is not something you need to accept, and is not something someone does out of love. It is not an expectation for a relationship, and leaving someone because they abuse you is never wrong.

by Mackenzie Conner photography by Eva Vidan design by Jami Rubin