Exhale

Kara J. Fort

Exhale

I went to the store again Another warning before “the lockdown” when I passed strangers in aisles I quit breathing swallowed my panic instead but made eye contact and gave a knowing nod as if we all knew what this was all about

I think how often in life have I swallowed my feelings without thought and got by with a nod pretending I’m stronger than I am with strangers understanding why my world does not feel like home

I wonder how often in my life have I isolated myself in shame with empty shelves inside, numb as usual pretending our world is normal when its anything but my silence is my best defense

I ponder how often has news buried itself in my tears expressing all the grief I have no language for yet I masquerade as if tragedies around me shouldn’t cause alarm like it does my collective soul

Is it possible all those strangers between the eggs and the milk have ceased their breath on account of me? their smile masked but loneliness mirrored in similar junk food thrown in their cart?

Maybe we are stronger than we think maybe years of detachment and dismissing have somehow given us practice to hope, experience in loss, so when a pandemic hits we know just when to exhale