Seeking Reconciliation: Your Role in Resolving Church Conflict

by Thomas Prachar

NOTE: This article addresses the kind of conflicts which sometimes occur in the church in the course of everyday life. It doesn’t address more serious issues like abuse. If you are the victim of abuse or another serious situation, please contact appropriate civil and church authorities for help.

Arlene and Susan were the best of friends. Living just blocks away, they were in contact with each other every day. They and their families got together socially, attended the same church, and even sat together in the same pew. One day when asked by the chairman of the congregation if Arlene and Susan would be willing to undertake a thorough cleaning of the church kitchen, their answer was an immediate “Yes!” Both women dove into their assignment by making an inventory of kitchen supplies. They removed cups, plates, bowls, and silverware from the cupboards and drawers, washing everything.

When it was time to put everything back, Susan suggested that the plates and bowls should go in one part of the kitchen. Arlene was adamant that they should be stored elsewhere. Susan, always the practical one, was shocked that Arlene couldn’t see the practicality of her arrangement, while Arlene argued loud and long for her preference. The discussion became so heated that each woman left the kitchen with dishes still littering the countertops. In the days ahead each of the women made calls, sent text messages, and even posted unflattering comments about each other on Facebook. “Her house is a mess! How can she be expected to keep the church kitchen clean?” “Oh, everything has to be done her way! She’s such a perfectionist—always wanting to be in control of the situation!”

If you were a member of this congregation and knew these two women, what would you do in order to help resolve this conflict? On the surface, it may seem like “much ado about nothing”; surely, where items are stored in a church kitchen is not an issue of earth-shattering significance. But it was for these two women! They were so passionate about it that they allowed their argument to escalate to the point where it threatened to ruin their friendship.

As a result of my years ministering in the parish, and especially serving as a district president, I am convinced that the key to resolving most conflicts is for everyone involved to take that first, difficult step: to humbly and critically undergo self-examination. That was the greatest challenge in bringing reconciliation between Susan and Arlene. It wasn’t until each seriously considered their personal thoughts, words, and actions, and how these contributed to the conflict, that their friendship was finally restored. They needed to see their inability—even unwillingness—to recognize their own sinful words and behaviour in the conflict.

It seems like Christians should know better, desiring to set a high standard for their fellow Christians and unbelievers alike. But God’s people fail miserably! Jesus addressed this tendency of a person’s sinful nature when He said, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:3-5). What are we thinking every Sunday when we confess in the liturgy the words of the apostle John: “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8)?

Very often you don’t want to engage in an examination of your sinful self because you are convinced that you’re really not that bad a person. Harold Sinkebeil explains it well in his book Dying to Live: The Power of Forgiveness: “It’s a simple matter of truth. Left to ourselves, we make excuses for sin. We tell ourselves we had no choice; others were to blame. Sometimes we create a whole fictitious world of our own, rewriting the script of reality. And in that script we’re always the starring character. In our view of reality, we’re always the hero. The villain is the other guy.”

You are reluctant to seek help from your pastor or another Christian because, well, then they would know the absolute depravity of your sinful life. How embarrassing! You have no problem going to your doctor and explaining your physical condition to him in great detail, but when it comes to your spiritual life, you are reluctant to go to your pastor, who is most qualified as your spiritual physician. It’s uncomfortable, unpleasant work as your self-examination exposes you for who you really are: chief of sinners!

There are steps you can take in order to “notice the log that is in your own eye.” Reading and meditating on Holy Scripture—especially God’s Law—can certainly get you to the heart of the matter. God’s Law convicts sinners, bringing you to your knees in repentance: “If it had not been for the Law, I would not have known sin. For I would not have known what it is to covet if the Law had not said, ‘You shall not covet’” (Romans 7:7).

If you think that you’re “not that bad” before God, then reflect upon the Ten Commandments. Consider your life in the light of those commandments, both in terms of sins of commission (“what we have done”) and omission (“what we have left undone”). For instance, if you believe you haven’t broken the Eighth Commandment—“You shall not give false testimony against your neighbour”—you may need to consider if you have really done everything in your power to “defend him, speak well of him, and explain everything in the kindest way” (Luther’s Small Catechism).

You can also use prayer to help examine your motives and actions. You can bring your petitions before your gracious Lord in your own words expressing your deepest desires. Or you can use Scripture’s prayer book, the Psalms, to assist in your examination. These authors have wrestled with the same concerns you have. You can pray their words: “You have set our iniquities before You, our secret sins in the light of Your presence” (Psalm 90:8). “But You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness” (Psalm 86:15).

To help you see your true motives you can also speak to fellow Christians. Your brothers and sisters in Christ may see what you don’t, and then “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15) to you and your situation. Jesus teaches that this is a job for the Church: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses” (Matthew 18:15-16). And the apostle Paul encourages us to provide such help: “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness” (Galatians 6:1).

Of course your pastor is trained to care for your soul. His ordination vows prevent him from divulging whatever you confess to him. And when you repent, your pastor is there ready, willing, and able to offer you forgiveness by speaking the Absolution (the declaration of God’s grace and forgiveness in Jesus) and by providing the Sacrament of Holy Communion as an added assurance that sins are forgiven.

Self-examination is a critical first step to resolving conflict in a God-pleasing manner. Ending the conflict and experiencing the joy of reconciliation is what every Christian works toward. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God” (Matthew 5:9).

Rev. Thomas Prachar is President Emeritus of Lutheran Church–Canada's former Central District.