Spokes & Jokes

The Carolinas’ Full Throttle Magazine relative, or even a neighbor to take her day the husband comes home, and the roof staff screens hundreds of jokes each seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. month. We make no claim to being says. “They’re all at the funeral.” He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I politically correct. Most PC jokes just had a handyman come in and fix them,” she aren’t funny. If you are offended by any Two campers are walking through the woods says. “Great! How much is that going to of the jokes on this page, take heart in the when a huge brown bear suddenly appears cost me?” he snarls. The wife says, “Nothfact that we go to great lengths to offend in the clearing about 50 feet in front of ing. He said he’d do it for free if I either everyone equally. This is not a hate crime! them. The bear sees the campers and begins baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh,

At our house we call it “pickin” and it is to head toward them. The first guy drops well, what kind of cake did you make?” symbolic of your acceptance in the group. his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, asks the husband. “What do I look like,” Spokes & Jokes We live in the United States Of The Offended, so get over it!! An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it.. Get out of the car!” The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out of the car and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags in the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer on the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. If you’re going to have a senior moment, make it memorable! It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.” Curtis & Leroy bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.” Curtis & Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.” The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.” The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?” Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.” The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!” Leroy said, “We shore can! We don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!” A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. “What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?” They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.” Leroy said, “We sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.” The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?” Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.” Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They’re overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs. A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?” she says, “Betty Crocker?” A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, And as he shows her around his apartment, She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking, and after a while, she finds herself thinking, ‘Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’ She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, “Well, how was it?” there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat The husband says, “What do I look like, The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the Mr. Plumber?” A few days go by, and he cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: man. “Who in their right mind would have comes home from work and his wife says, “Help yourself to any prize from the middle a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs shelf.” The neighbor says, “Well actually the seat a new battery. Could you change it for me?” belongs to me. I was supposed to come He says, “What do I look like, Mr. Good- A man opens the door and sees a snail on with my wife, but she passed away. This is wrench?” Another few days go by, and it’s the porch. He picks up the snail and throws the first World Cup Final we haven’t been raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in it as far as he can. Three years later there’s to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on a knock on the door. He opens it and sees so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But the roof! Can you please fix it?” He says, the same snail. The snail says: “What the couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” The next hell was that all about?”