WAS I CHAP?

WE LOOK BACK AT PHOTOGRAPHS FROM THE PAST, PROBABLY NOT SUBMITTED TO CHAP@THECHAP.CO.UK, FOR CLUES AS TO WHY NEARLY EVERYONE LOOKED SO DAMNED FABULOUS

“It is my duty to inform you that this is a Holland & Holland 12-bore side-by-side, the most powerful shotgun in the world, which would blow to smithereens the portion of your physiognomy situated about your neck. You, sir, are obliged to pose one pertinent question to yourself: ‘Am I blessed with good fortune?’ Indeed, is this case, rapscallion?”

“Doris, do you think this ladies in trousers thing will ever catch on?” “I don’t know, Mabel, but it sure as hell beats wearing a petticoat.” “But where do you find space for your bloomers?” “I’m not wearing any, Mabel.” “Can I top you up with more of this small-batch, hand-crafted corianderinfused Brooklyn Pale Ale, Henry?” “If you insist, Lancaster, though I’d rather have a bottle of normal beer.” “The bearded chap behind the bar was rather short with me when I asked for normal beer.”

“Hooray, Douglas, we’re all wearing peak lapels, even those of us in single-breasted jackets.” “Welcome to the demob decade, Scotney. Doesn’t it feel good to be alive?” “Well it would, Douglas, if the shorthouse at the end had made an effort.”

“Harry, are you sure that bow tie is going to fit through the door of the Palais de Dance?” “It’s like a cat’s whiskers, Sal. If the bow tie fits through the door, then so do I.” “Just keep reading your book about British menswear from 1820-1902, Fillibert, and leave the dandyism to us.” “According to this book, Londsdale, you two will be out of fashion in about three weeks. My raiment, however, will persist.”

“It says in the airline sartorial guidance, Lawrence, that one may undo the bottom button on a doublebreasted jacket once seated in the aircraft.” “But surely only in first class, Jeremiah?”

“Don’t look so worried, Huxley. By the time we reach the end of this concourse, this snazzy outfit will be the height of fashion.” “I think it will take a little longer than that, Campbell. In fact I sincerely hope it takes an eternity.”

“The principal regulation of Fisticuffs Club, ladies, is that one must refrain from any discourse about Fisticuffs Club. The secondary regulation of Fisticuffs Club is that one should avoid any social intercourse concerning said institution.”

“So I was downtown with Brooklyn Billy and he says to me, George, I see you soiled your trousers.” “Soiled them, Billy?” I says. “But I only just boight them!”

“Looking for trouble, sir? Trouble is one of our many middle names, along with Ursquine, Hathersedge, Featherstonaugh, Squiffy, Stinky, Biffo and Tufty.” “Hullo girls!” “Hullo, Marmaduke. Would you like a glass of gin and lime? You look as though you could do with a pick-me-up after that swim.”

“What are you doing after this, Conrad?” “I’m getting some snorting powders from Brilliant Chang, then I’m off to cut a rug at the Golden Calf in Soho. Care to join me?” “Rather!”