ASK THE CHAP

the Chap...

By Wisbeach

An advice column in which readers are invited to pose pertinent questions on sartorial and etiquette matters, and even those of a romantic nature. Send your questions to wisbeach@thechap.co.uk

Shane Larkin: I possess several waistcoats, two of which have breast pockets. If sans jacket, would I be mocked mercilessly if I sported a small pocket square therein?

WISBEACH: Sir, you would be mocked more mercilessly, at least by readers of this publication, were you to remove your jacket and there was no waistcoat underneath. What you choose to keep in your waistcoat pockets is your own affair. Mine, for example, contain a pocket watch, a cigar cutter, a meerschaum pipe, a pipe lighter, several pipe cleaners, a lucky netsuke stolen from Madam Sing-Sing’s house of ill repute (Shanghai), a silver snuffbox, a tin of Captain Fawcett’s Expedition Strength moustache wax and a small voodoo doll of Jeremy Clarkson. If you wish to insert a pocket square into the upper left pocket of yours, everyone will assume it is an obscure eccentric tradition and will not dare to question it.

Montague Gristle: I have been reading the diaries of Sir Henry ‘Chips’ Channon, reviewed in issue 108. It has occurred to me that my failure to establish myself as a man of letters has been due to my lack of a nickname. Can you advise on a suitable appendage that would rest between my Montague and my Gristle? WISBEACH: What an agreeable task to be set, if I may say so, sir! Let us not forget that Chips Channon’s achievements included serving cocktails spiked with Benzedrine to the Queens of Spain and Romania “to make the party go” and a diary entry from 1938 that read “an unbelievable day in

which two things occurred: Hitler took Vienna and I fell in love with the Prime Minister”.

Sir, I have no idea of your achievements thus far, except for your voluminous and admirable correspondence with this publication (see below). I therefore feel that a suitable nickname for you would be Montague ‘Chaps’ Gristle.

Montague Gristle: As soon as the Unpleasantness has finished, I shall be leaving my Sanatorium to trek across the Hindu Kush. Can you advise on a hat that will not only protect me from inclement weather, but will also pass muster in the event of my betrothal and wedding to a tribeswoman of good family and character?

WISBEACH: Given the current unpleasantness in that region, sir, the most suitable form of headwear would either be a ‘Desert Storm’ issue GS MK6 helmet with Desert DPM cover, or a turban. The latter is more likely to endear you to the local militia and may even result in ribald badinage at the caravanserai.

Montague Gristle: I have found it increasingly difficult to have a face-to-face consultation with my Natural Health Physician. I have been told I need to be ‘triaged.’ How do I prepare for this ordeal?

WISBEACH: Mr. Gristle (or ‘Chaps’ Gristle, if I may), triage is usually carried out in emergency rooms, disasters and wars, when limited medical resources must be allocated to maximise the number of survivors. Your GP is grossly exaggerating a situation that in reality consists of a few insipid individuals complaining of a persistent cough and not being able to smell their takeaway meals (in my humble opinion, not such a bad thing). I therefore suggest that you seek private medical care.

Montague ‘Chaps’ Gristle: My nephew Pelham is 14. He has reached an age and an understanding that, in life, a man needs a weapon, as much as he needs a pair of brogues. He wants something traditional, discreet and affordable.

I have advised against a Taser as the battery life is short. I have suggested an Assegai, or a Kukri. Either a spear or a machete will be a sufficient deterrent if the Rozzers challenge Pelham for not wearing a face nappy during the unpleasantness. However, if Pelham chooses an Assegai, is he likely to offend the Nepalese Gurkhas, or, if he chooses a Kukri, will he offend the Zulu, Xhosa and other Nguni tribes of South Africa?

WISBEACH: A knotty conundrum for young Pelham, sir! Even were he to choose the Taser, he may offend the tribes in some of the less salubrious quarters of our nation’s cities. Whichever weapon he chooses, someone or other will be offended, so my recommendation is that you teach him the ancient martial art of Bartitsu. This self-defence system, created by Edward Barton-Wright in 1898, deployed the ordinary accoutrements of gentlemen, such as walking canes and umbrellas, to defend themselves against footpads and ruffians in the street. Pelham will therefore be armed every time he sets forth from his abode with his rain cover or walking aid.

Mike George: As a chap who has for the last two years been a police officer in what can only be described as very plain clothes, I carry a number of items which are linked to the martial arts. These are hidden away to prevent the ladies becoming all of a quiver. What can you advise that would be suitable for both looking dashing and also allow for the carrying of said weapons? I do need to flash the cuff.

WISBEACH: Sir, may I respectfully refer you to the above query and response. Simply by carrying a cane or umbrella, you would be in possession of items which are linked to the martial arts. It would also mean that the weapons would not spoil the line of your suit. I myself have found that a pair of nunchucks sticking out of one’s breast pocket causes the ladies to become such of a quiver that they run a mile. n