ASK THE CHAP

the Chap...

By Wisbeach

An advice column in which readers are invited to pose pertinent questions on sartorial and etiquette matters, and even those of a romantic nature. Send your questions to wisbeach@thechap.co.uk

Mike George: I am writing to ask your advice, since it will soon be the birthday of a lady friend. What would be suitable as a gift? I don’t want to be too charming, as I need to remain a bit of the cad in this field.

Wisbeach: Sir, it was a tradition among Chinese emperors of the Ming Dynasty to select gifts for important dignitaries that only they could give. This tradition was reciprocated much later by the British, with the aim of impressing the Emperor and presenting Britain as scientifically advanced. One such example was a mechanical model of the solar system, known as an orrery, illustrating the relative positions of the planets to the Earth. When this gift was given to the Emperor in 1793 it was worth around £14,000, over one million in today’s money. The ultimate aim of giving such a valuable and unique gift was to pave the way for favourable trade negotiations for the British in China and to place a permanent British ambassador there.

I suggest, sir, that you take a similar approach with your lady friend, by gifting her an item that only you could provide. A hand-carved netsuke, for example, or a toothbrush mug made from old bottle tops. If you get it right, you may be in a position to place a permanent ambassador in her heart.

William Walker: I am wrestling with a bit of a conundrum, and seek your expertise. Regarding matters of the heart, is it ever acceptable to offer a lady a pearl necklace? Wisbeach: Sir, I refer to my reply to the correspondent above. If the pearl necklace is one that only you can provide, it will likely be warmly received.

Pelham ‘Pinkie’ Gristle: I am writing on behalf of my uncle, Montague ‘Chaps’ Gristle. He has asked me to thank you for publishing four of his ‘epistles’ in issue 109 of your journal – or is it magazine? On your advice, I’ ve started Bartitsu classes at the Cheam Academy of Physical

1940s/50s REPRODUCTION CLOTHING

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Excellence. They’re jolly good fun, and I’m throwing some great shapes!

Uncle Monty says that now you have bestowed him with a suitable appendage he can commence a new career as a man of letters. My uncle is currently “winding up his affairs”, prior to leaving his Sanatorium and crossing the Hindu Kush.

You may not be aware, but uncle Monty is the founder of Gristle’s Potted Shrimps. They are unavailable in the UK, as the President of Burkina Faso (Roch Marc Christian Kabore) has the exclusive import rights to these Morecambe Bay delicacies.

I hope you don’t mind me asking, but is your aftershave suitable for teenagers, as well as chaps? And is it named after the Spanish tennis player, Raffish Nadal?

Wisbeach: Ah, Pinkie (if one may), so glad we could be of assistance to dear uncle Monty, and indeed his strapping nephew. The answer to your query is that Raffish eau de Cologne is indeed suitable for gentlemen of any age. It is not named after the European sportsman you mention, but after Ursquine ‘Raffish’ Leadbetter, our Monte Carlo correspondent. The other gamblers in the chemin de fer rooms know that when they smell the scent of Raffish, it is time go and lock up their grandmother’s jewellery case.

Peter O’Connor: Are you familiar with semi-rimmed red-gold eyeframes innovated by Essel, later Essilor, named Nylor due to nylon thread in the eyeglass groove securing the part of glass without frame, later imitated by Cutler & Gross as 0422 or 0267, in silver?

Wisbeach: No sir, I must admit I am not. Why, have you left a pair in our cloakroom? n

Photo: Joe Alblas

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