ASK THE CHAP

the Chap...

By Wisbeach

An advice column in which readers are invited to pose pertinent questions on sartorial and etiquette matters, and even those of a romantic nature. Send your questions to wisbeach@thechap.co.uk

Jonathan ‘Jonny’ Arnold: I am writing to ask for advice on an ever-maddening wardrobe condition I face on a day-to-day basis. I prefer braces rather than a belt to keep everything where it ought to be, yet I find that, without a belt, my shirts tend to rise up, become untucked or bunch up around the shoulders under my waistcoat. What technique can I employ to end this infuriating problem?

Wisbeach: Sir, this conundrum is clearly causing you distress and extreme measures may be required to resolve it. There is a relatively new product on the market called a ‘shirt stay’, whose purpose is precisely to alleviate the situation you describe. Shirt stays connect the tails of the shirt to the tops of the socks, running invisibly down the inside leg. They are available from www.sharpanddapper.com, who were the inventors of this innovative gentlemen’s accessory.

Montague ‘Chaps’ Gristle: I am applying for a new passport and a new photographic image of Gristle is required. I see no mention of dress code in the instructions. I have erred on the side of caution and chosen to wear a tweed jacket, Tattersall shirt and tie. I think a cravat may be regarded as too louche by Passport Control at Kabul Airport, where I shall be landing. However, I am asked to have a ‘plain expression and have my mouth closed’.

My mother said that I was born with an ‘interesting’ expression. Furthermore, my mouth always opens when a camera flashes. My Natural Health Physician will confirm this, as will Rear Admiral Rodney Crease, DSO, OMG, should I require further testimonials. Do you think a portrait miniature might be acceptable, thus dispensing with a camera? The artist would be at liberty to change my interesting expression to a plain one. Wisbeach: I believe you have answered your own question, ‘Chaps’ (if I may). Employ a decent portraitist from one of the more traditional realist schools, rather than an abstract impressionist, who may produce a passable work of art but it won’t get you through customs at Kabul Airport. William Walker: When enjoying a comfortable win at The Track, is it ever acceptable to celebrate with a full Highland Fling, or is a small tap dance better form?

Wisbeach: Sir, should the winnings amount to more than three guineas, a full Highland Fling is entirely appropriate, unless there are ladies present. In which case a discreet heel click is more acceptable.

Montague ‘Chaps’ Gristle: I am confined to bed, with a recurrence of ‘malaise d’ennui’. I asked my nephew Pelham to procure three books from the library to help with my recovery. Cheam Library is in a converted telephone box, located at the egress of my street. Due to its size there is no periodical room, photocopying facilities or unisex lavatory. Pelham returned with French Existentialism, a History, January 12th- January 24th 1953, Titbits Compendium 1976 and Winnie the Pooh: The Deforestation of 100-Acre Wood.

I fear reading these three tomes will only worsen my

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malaise. Can you suggest a light and frothy novel that will lighten my spirits? Preferably one that has a maximum of ten similes and five metaphors.

Wisbeach: I can indeed, sir. Death in Venice by Thomas Mann is the uplifting tale of an ageing intellectual who takes the vapours in Venice to find a higher purpose in life. He makes inappropriate overtures to a German youth and snuffs it on the beach due to a cholera epidemic. This slim novella will make you feel like you never had it so good, sir. ...

Montague ‘Chaps’ Gristle: Due to a fall in sales of Gristle’s Potted Shrimps, I have been obliged to claim Universal Credit. The stipend received, I proceeded to the Rivoli Bar at the Ritz to dispense my largesse. I ordered my cocktail (a ‘Jujitsu’) and masticated the nibbles. I noticed the waiter and the bar manager were constantly looking in my direction. I thought nothing of it and ordered another cocktail (a ‘Dubious Intention’).

As the waiter placed the medication in front of me, he winked and whispered “drinks are on the house, sir.” He then looked to the lapel of my jacket. I was wearing a Chap star lapel badge!

What other doors of good fortune will this totem open? Wisbeach: Sir, we have heard similar tales from other wearers of our Star Lapel Badge. One chap was given an extra portion of batter bits in the premises of ‘Codfather’ seafood brasserie and takeaway in Harlow. Another was presented with the keys to the city of Truro, although this turned out to be a mistake as they thought he was Bernie Clifton. We suggest you wear the badge at all times, and if not offered any complimentary delicacies, simply swivel your monocle towards your lapel in a meaningful manner. n

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