NEWS FLANGE BALMORAL
CASTLE TO REOPEN AS THEME PARK . RIDES TO BE CHARGE D OVER THE ODDS FOR INCLUDE S HOO T THE CARCASS AND MINOR ROYAL HUMPING .
TRUMP NONPLUSSED ABOUT S COTTISH TALENT: “I’ D DO THEM AFTER 6 OR 7 PINTS ” CLAIMS EROTICALLY DISCHA RGED SQ UILLIONAIRE .
MOTORIST
CAUGHT SIG-
NALING APPROPRIATELY AT CITY ROUNDABOUT : “I’M SO ASHAMED” SAYS FULL -TIME
BMW OWNER AND COCKE ND.
IS S UE 1
A P R I L 2 0 12
GRA TIS
Chunt The
PUMPING OUT COLUMN INCHES LIKE THERE’S NO DAY AFTER TOMORROW. Welcome to the first issue of The Chunt, the computer generated rag that will leave you reaching for the delete button and wishing you had subscribed to it just to write in and tell me that you want to cancel. Write any inane drivel and then email it to: insiderphil@live.com Come and have a Chunt if you think you’re hard enough… Insider Phil (Ed.)
‘Cure-a-gay’ group to resort to ‘tit’ ads UNHINGED Christist organisation, the Core Issues Trust (CIsT), are set to design a new raft of breast based adverts after their “We’ll Christ the gayness out of you” campaign was banned by Transport for London in a rare act of logic. Jeremy Selective, a spokespiece for CiST said, “Turning clearly confused, lithe and sexy young gay men from the dark side is a tricky matter. Clearly promises of eternal salvation and free wine and biscuits on a Sunday just wouldn’t cut it in this modern disco age. So we decided to go straight for the tit centres of the male brain and hope that a ubiquitous breast infestation would have young homos turning quicker than a
tranny in backless chaps. Obviously we’ll need to keep the lesbians on as an added incentive until every single shirtlifter realises that ladies also have shirts and with undoable buttons on the front.” After every single gay in London is turned into an upright member, CiST will be thumbing through the Book of Leviticus for other causes. And as it was said by Mr Selective: “Next we’ll be curing single women on the blob by forcing them into marriage and making them permanently pregnant.” “Oh and those who eat shellfish? Unsaveable twats,” he added.
Definitely not a bum fan: Jeremy Selective awaits an ecclesiastical pat on the back.
Hosepipe ban bites–
except for viewers in Scotland
The last tree in Essex, yesterday.
SCOTTISH water fans were highland flinging for joy at the news that large swathes of Southern England are on drought alert. Drizzle soaked, literally middle-aged 24-year-old toothless alky, Jim McStereotype, said (through a translator), “I can’t believe my luck. I’ve been searching for years for a reason to feel superior to the English and now I have it, even though I still live in a piss-stained, cider-riddled shitehole of a town.” Conversely, Essex nightclub owner, “Tattoo” Frank O’Mash is up in his badly daubed arms: “Well, that’s our wet T-shirt nights up the shitter,” he slurred.
Readers’ Letters (yo u sho uld kno w b ette r)
P HIL ’ S
C ARTOON C ASEBOOK
A fine selection of the less libelous scrawl that you people call “opinion” NOW that the local elections are looming, I’ve decided to become more politically anarchic and refuse to vote. It’s not worth it. The same old clungepipes get elected anyway and I’m still paying over the odds for a packet of fags. N. Clegg, Westminster IT leaves me plum disgusted that the council are going to dig up my local park to make it look less like a pile of festering pus. I’m a serial killer by trade, like my father before me (God rest his stabby soul) and I’ve buried over 16 bodies there over 30 years without any interference from the authorities. Their bulldozers will now desecrate the graves of these unfortunate victims as well as deprive me of a sweet place to put the others in. Shame on you politicians! Name and Address, Withheld I HAVE to strongly disagree with Mr Name and Address (above letter). I’d be glad to see the back of that park as I can’t drive my souped up, German built flashwagon down those stairs to check out all the fantastic birds that are totally into me as long as I don’t make any racist slurs against Mexicans. J. Clarkson, TV Centre, London
BOLLOCKS to Mr Clarkson (previous letter). Instead of installing a new park, the council could spend £50 million to get Katy Brand (or Perry now, is it?)
Star Rant
I AM dismayed to hear that bearded cleric and modest score at Scrabble, Abu Qatada, is to be deported. I’ve just started a modern day freak show for those with warped ideologies and I’ve already recruited The Bishop of Manchester, Gordon Ramsay, Chris Moyles and, of course, Jeremy Clarkson. I just needed Abu to complete the set for my “Wankers of the Western World” roadshow later this month. P. McIntyre, Soho
to strip and regularly service the male (and female) population of the city. Saying that, we could get my missus to do the same and spend the other £49, 999, 990 on some massive fireworks and a big fence to keep all them immigrants out and stealing the jobs that I would be doing if it weren’t for my bad leg. D. Star, Aberdeen IN all my sainted life have I never come across a magazine of
such offensive content and foul language. Even the top shelf of my local newsagents (which I have researched extensively) has had more intelligent and thought provoking stimulation than this snotty schoolboy’s rag. I for one will be sending you a cheque for a subscription and then cancelling the cheque, then sending you the bill for the cancellation as well as the cost of two envelopes with first class stamps and a repeat prescription for my valium. How much should I send? Rev T. Pendegrass, Norwich [Thanks for your feckless efforts, Rev. I’ll leave it up to the readers to decide the subscription fee that you’ll cancel. How much should the Rev send? Please write the amounts on your own signed and dated cheques. The highest cheque that clears in my bank account will get double the amount by return post*- Ed.] Please send all bilge to: The Chunt, 1 Bedroom Office, UK or insiderphil@live.com
*I cannot be responsible for any lost post or forgetfulness.
The Sporting The
Chunt
A DaffyD P roduction. Printed by hand on special silk parchment imported from Taiwan and smuggled in by midgets dressed as dwarf children. The similarit y between any of the idiots portrayed in this publication are entirely coincidental, except in one or two cases. If you can guess which, email: insiderphil@live.com No spleens were ruptured during the making of this piece of literature. Recommended by the British Institute of Chartered Farters and the National Society for Royalbaiters.
Chunt
Dear Phil, I recently met the man of my dreams but he lives approximately 1.5 metres away across a deepish pool of what I can only assume is water. I have fallen shirt-over-tie for him as we wear exactly the same clothes and both enjoy leaning over the pond and knuckle banging each other relentlessly. How can we progress this clearly utopian relationship, beyond vivid and stimulating conversation. I for one and ready for a bit of [whistling noise from the Carry On films]. Gordon Fordoun, Gordon
Dear Gordon, Build a bridge and get over it.. Then you can [whistling noise from the Carry On films] to your hearts’ content. If the relationship founders, demolish the bridge and chuck a plank at the useless tosser. Phil
Twat
Late Results
Scarborough Pumphammers 2- 3 Chesterfield Velcro Bangkok Mixups 4-1 Vatican Penitents Vetrinary Gunslingers 3-0 Aintree Thoroughbreds Aberdeen Writers 0-1 Libel Lawyers
You’ve read it. Now, clear off! (Issue #2 out sometime in May)