Its Your Right To Be Wrong by The Coach with the Hat Training and Coaching LTD

Welcome to

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Your Right to Be Wrong by

The Coach with the hat A.K.A. Elliot Kay

Acknowledgements

First Edition November 2010 Text © Elliot Kay Design: Rich Clayton, Monkey Mischief Please contact the author at elliot@thecoachwiththehat.com

Published by The Coach With The Hat 22 Newton Terrace, London England

This book and this journey could not have happened without the following people: Rich Clayton without you we wouldn’t be here now. Kelly Dunworth you are simply my angel. Clinton Swaine, you are my mentor, my guide, and I will always be grateful to you. Charles Cooper Driver, for pushing me into thinking and moving intoa business, Marina St, you are a star. Mum and Norman, thank you for being you. Rachel Leigh, for your time energy and belief. To Rosanne Ainslie, for your support and belief. To Ilil Granot, it was your suggestion that started this journey. To all the Cummings, I simply love you. Wolfgang Sonnenberg, thank you for your time and mentorship. To Cammy and Adam, for your time and faith in me. To Wilson Luna, for all your tips and advice. To all the Frontier family for being inspiring and amazing, I love you all. To Scott Alan, Clinton and Alison Groome for listening to me go through things again, and again, and again. To the Wendels, I love you all. To Terry Melloy and Ian Banyard, for Britian’s Next Top Coach, what a massive part of the journey that was. To all the Jezeks, you are one of the most inspiring families ever. Ade Shokoya, thank you. To Eryka Clayton for your belief and faith in me. To Anjna, thank you. To Julianne Sparks, for all your time and hours spent talking me through everything. To Sidra Zaidi, you are simply amazing. To Megan Ellis, for all your hard work. To the Circle Group Chiswick, even though it hasn’t been around for a year, you were all a huge part of the journey. To Careline Services, both London and Selkirk. To MJ Christian, thank you for all your support. To all my facebook fans. To all my followers on twitter. To every person that has been asking me week after week when the book would be out. To everyone I might have left out, thank you for being there and being in my life. To Adam Shaw, for all your support. To my clients, you inspire me every day. To Fiona Walsh, for all your faith, support and amazing eye for photography. To Bethany and Josh, your uncle loves you very much.

www.thecoachwiththehat.com 4

Contents 1.

Introduction

My Story

My Reaction

The Journey to becoming the Coach With the Hat

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s all about you

Getting it right

Values

Excuses

Move out of your head and into action

10.

Attracting the hype

11.

Goals

12.

Conclusion

An Introduction

A foreword by Ade Shokoya from www.adeshokoya.com When my good friend Elliot Kay a.k.a The Coach with the Hat asked me to record the intro for his new book, the first thought that came to my mind was – Hmm, what do I say? How do I make it perfect? But then after reading his book I have realised that it does not have to be perfect – it just needs to be genuine and heartfelt. And this is me right now, doing something as a result of reading that book and being able to take the information that was provided in it to quiet the voices in my mind that were doubting my ability to do what I am doing right now. Now, right there is living evidence that what you are about to learn is going to have a major impact upon you and your life. It will help you to break through those things that might be holding you back because we have this fear about being WRONG. But as you are going to learn from reading this book, and by attending The Coach with the Hat’s seminar It’s Your Right to Be Wrong, and what you are going to experience right now is that it really does not matter - and if you can move beyond that, anything becomes possible for you! So whatever it is that we do, it’s my honour and privilege to be able to introduce you to The Coach with the Hat’s – It’s Your Right to Be Wrong.

My Story

I spent my earliest years in the wrong.

“What’s wrong with Elliot?” ‘They’ would ask, as I was sick from allergies to nuts, sesame seeds, seafood and fish.

“What’s wrong with Elliot now?”, as I wheezed from asthma and itched from eczema.

“What’s wrong with you, Elliot?”, as I struggled to decode the jumbled mess of letters on the page into actual English words through the fog of dyslexia.

“What on earth is wrong with you, Elliot?”, as I tried and failed to manage my anger; instead getting into fights, cursing my teachers and throwing chairs about the classroom.

“What’s wrong with your dad?”, as my alcoholic dad lay around in constant dysfunction while my mum worked her backside off to keep food on the table and our family from sinking under the weight of all that was wrong. All this was very painful, and it all helped shape me into this guy with the hat who has appeared on stages on two continents with a mission to help others take risks and see their dreams come true. I don’t speak about my early years in my seminar It’s Your Right to Be Wrong, and I won’t go into detail about it here. That’s not because it is not important or that I am not aware of the effect it had on me, but because I am about moving you forward and because what you will gain from this book isn’t about my story - it is about yours!

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

At the age of 21, against all odds, I decided that my degree in Dance and Drama wasn’t serving me at all and that university had nothing to offer me. My idol was Rudolf Nureyev, and his dancing inspired me to go for my dream of becoming a world class dancer. Everyone warned me that I was making a colossal mistake. I listened, I absorbed their words, and I went and auditioned for a dance school. Yes, I did say a dance school. It’s okay, ladies, I am straight. I was astounded when I received word that I was accepted! I had to start from the beginning which was what I wanted to do. A dark obstacle loomed in my path. I was going to have to do this with no funding or help from anyone. It didn’t matter. All I cared about was living my dream and getting one step closer to my vision. I just got on with finding a place to live, and taking a job in a pub for the evening where I worked hard to earn the money I needed. I worked at the pub for three months. I trained all day at the dance school and then worked at another pub and even got myself a job as a 70’s dancer on a Saturday night. That’s right- Saturday Night Fever all round! After 3 months I got what was called a ‘fee waive’, which meant I didn’t have to pay the tuition for two years. I needed only to feed myself and pay rent. This happened because I was never late or absent. I showed up, worked my bum off and not once did I compare myself to far more talented and younger people I was sharing the studio with. Believe it or not, I wasn’t the oldest student either. The hard work never stopped and my attitude never changed. I knew I was always up against it and had to work twice as hard to maintain my level and increase it. There are more details of this period of my life, yet this particular adventure only forms a small part of the journey. One massive part is that I have always wanted respect from my peers, whoever they were at the time, and I realise now that being at dance school and the lessons learned there all comprised part of the journey. At the time I thought a career in dance was the journey!

My Story

performing and started to do choreography and presenting; I took a loan and started to have physiotherapy and chiropractic treatment on my back. My focus was to get better and to get back on stage. I spent a year having treatment on my back and then I resumed my training to get back into auditions. I completely stopped drinking alcohol and avoided anything that could harm me. I worked out every day. I stretched, practised, practised and practised. Then the big day came. I went back to my first class a year to the day after my injury. The class was going very well. Soon it was the last exercise of jumping and I felt my back go again. Right there, I broke down in tears that streamed down my face. I fell to my knees and crawled to the back of the class. The teacher came over to see if I was okay. I wasn’t. I knew at that moment that my dream of becoming a world class dancer had slipped away. I knew I had to get on with life. I began working in some bad jobs, my body completing the mundane tasks while my heart was continually drawn to the stage. Beside the various jobs, I also wrote a TV show that didn’t make it to the screen. I did PR for a modelling agency, returned to presenting and then found myself working in a contact centre where I was asked to do training for the call centre staff. I knew there was a bigger calling for me, if only I could find and follow it. I always knew that greatness awaited me, yet I sought but couldn’t find it. I continued simply living a normal life, “like everyone else.” This twisting and turning story leads to my point: I was at my friend’s house in Israel speaking to her housemate who was having a bit of a hissy fit about her studies. I sat with her and helped her break it down into little sizeable chunks and when she looked at her situation in little steps, she calmed down and started to function again. My friend Ilil, who was listening to the conversation, pulled me to the side afterwards and suggested I should become a life coach.

I finished dance school and had a successful career in dancing that was ended suddenly by a back injury. It felt like the end of the world. I took a year out of

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Your Right to be Wrong

The message in this chapter is this:

More than anything, when you have drive and desire, you will stand out far more than people who may be considered more qualified than you. Accepting, that sometimes, what appears to be the entire journey for us, turns out only to be a part it.

My Reaction

When Ilil pulled me to the side and suggested I should become a life coach, do you know what my reaction was? Have a wild guess? Do you think it was this?: “You are right! Wow! What an amazing thought! Yeah I think I will do that! Thank you so much for that suggestion Ilil”. Maybe that would have been the case if this was a Hollywood film. I was actually really disgusted with her! I almost started having a go at her! How could she even compare me to ‘those people’? Life coaches are just greedy, money-grabbing people. I am not like them! I am a good person– they are all cheats. I told her I had a strong belief that if I help people, I can do it for free. I told her it was a silly idea.

Oh, the irony! The truth of the matter was that I had never actually been to a life coach or met one. Where did that reaction come from? I can tell you. When I was growing up I used to get sent to all kinds of people- psychologists and other professionals whom I hated and got nothing from. As soon as she said that I related coaches with all those other “professionals”. I flew back to London, and remember at the time I was working in training for a call centre. Something about what Ilil suggested made me think. I came back, sat down at the computer and started to Google and read about what life coaching is, what it does and how one goes about doing it. I found out life coaches were not such a horrible bunch of people after all and that the journey to becoming a life coach involved learning some very interesting

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

concepts, some of which I share here in this book. “Wow”, I thought, learning all these things which I teach in my seminar, It’s Your Right to Be Wrong, really did help me become a better trainer for my job at the time. It was all thanks to the self study course I bought to learn to become a coach. As part of my getting certified and becoming a life coach, I had to work with 15 people, giving them free sessions to help me master the art of coaching. It was in the third session with someone called Jan, who is simply an amazing woman, that something happened. While we were worked away, she said something that changed me forever. I will always remember it because it set me off on my current path. She said, “Through working with you I have learnt that I need to be happy to lose weight and not lose weight to be happy.” I froze. I got

goose bumps and at that moment, I knew things would never be the same for me again. To have such an amazing hand in supporting someone through such a journey, I knew I had to dedicate my life to this. It stopped being about me and started to be about my clients; the people I will coach and work with. I don’t know how, I just knew it was the way forward and that this was the beginning of my life as a coach.

My Reaction

The message here:

Sometimes people see things in us that we don’t see in ourselves. The challenge is staying open to the possibilities that exist in each phase of our lives. It is our own self image and experiences that can get in the way. Always look into an opportunity first before slamming the door shut and trust your gut instinct because most of the time it is your subconscious giving you direction. 15

The Journey to the Coach with the Hat

The journey to becoming The Coach with the Hat

In any business, credibility, results and achievements are everything. I wanted to coach the world, and I needed to find a way to get out there and achieve big things. Looking for one-to-one clients was a slow and painful experience because I didn’t have the money or the business acumen at the time to find a commercial loan or other source of capital that would allow me to run a media campaign. I also had neither talent nor desire to work on the business side of any business. I came across an advert for a competition called “Britain’s Next Top Coach” on Facebook. I entered it. The competition was all about finding the finest emerging coaching talent in the UK, something that I am still passionate about today. The coaching industry in the UK is underrated and doesn’t get enough stage time. The way to enter the competition was to send a video in, introducing yourself and giving a coaching tip. That was simple enough. As I started to think about what to do, once again something inside me was telling me to be different. What would everyone else be doing? From my experience in doing adverts or auditions, my educated guess was that everyone would be standing there and talking to the camera. How could I be different and original?– How could I make my video just a little sexier than the rest? As part of my commitment to learning to become a great speaker, I hosted a radio show which was all about coaching. I offered listeners practical tips on how to have a better life. What better place to film my video? Not only that, I started to wear hats whenever I did the show. I am so happy that one afternoon in Los Angeles I decided to buy ‘that’ hat, the hat which you will see me wearing in seminars, especially It’s Your Right to Be Wrong.

I don’t know why I started wearing the hat; it was just a whim. 16

When we filmed the intro I was wearing my now-famous hat and then we filmed me presenting the radio show, where I gave a tip about setting goals. Little did I know that wearing that hat would be the beginning of an amazing theme with a gigantic international reach. It was the beginning of my coaching identity and it is the reason you are reading this book. The journey had just begun. I started getting feedback like this: Love your video, love how you engage the audience, and love the hat. The competition was launched and it was up to us to rally votes by convincing people to go to the website and vote. I learnt lots about marketing, viral marketing and even what is known as ‘guerrilla marketing’. I am happy to say I made it through to the finals. I will say this: for me it was never about winning, it was about how far I could go and where it would take me. At this point I knew one thing for sure; no one could ever take away the fact that I was a finalist in Britain’s Next Top Coach. For the semi-final we had to be filmed in front of a live audience and the 11 other participants. What a fun, phenomenal day it was - except that I didn’t wear my hat. I don’t know why. By the way, a clip of it is on my website, on the front page.

http://www.thecoachwiththehat.com The overall feedback from that day was: “I really loved your message and your talk, but where was the hat?” I was learning very quickly to listen to my audience. After all, aren’t they the ones who will be voting? Aren’t they the ones who will turn into clients? What happens in life is this: some people stop listening to their audience and insist what they think is right, because we don’t like to be wrong. Others attempt to impose their ideas on their audience; the success of this can be short lived. There is no right or wrong to this, the answer is simply doing what works and listening to the people who are your audience, who in my case were the voters. Along the way I did all kinds of things to get votes: I went to night clubs to rally votes and took pictures of people holding a Vote Kay card to use as my profile

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

pictures. I wrote to papers, used the radio show, secured endorsements and testimonials from big players in the field- wow it was fun! I learnt so much and made some very good friends along the way. Then the news came that I made it to the final! After some crazy celebrations, I had to act quickly and find a partner for the final shoot. I asked my good friend, Adam Shaw, and he said yes. We were planned and started rehearsing for the final cut. However, this time the hat would play a bigger role. I themed it “Coaching with the Hat” and we filmed. Once again it was a great day – no one knew what lay ahead.

The Journey to the Coach with the Hat

The answers we got took me very much by surprise – everyone said that they instantly thought of ‘The Cat in the Hat’, a book by Dr. Seuss which meant at least on a sub-conscious level we were taking people back to childhood memories. They instantly smiled and felt good hearing and reading the name. We realised that globally, The Coach with the Hat would have mass appeal. How exciting is that? We had given birth to The Coach with the Hat!

The story of The Coach with the Hat is really about you. Here are some questions for you to consider:

Once again the feedback was very positive and people loved the idea of the hat; one of the judges wore a hat while critiquing me. I was finding that more and more people were getting to know me more as The Coach with the Hat/the dude with the hat/the man in the hat/the guy who wears a hat and coaches. I heard them all. Yet very few, unless they knew me personally, called me by my name; Elliot.

What are you doing to stand out in the marketplace?

Would you agree that whatever market you are in, it is quite a condensed market place?

I realised very quickly that the hat was a fantastic marketing tool and I wanted to further my market research. When I started to go to seminars I would wear my hat on the first two days, which would draw a lot of attention, and then on the third day I wouldn’t wear the hat, to see if people remembered me. It took people a little while and they would always ask, “Where is the hat?”

Whether you are a fellow coach, in e-business, marketing, sales, law, medicine, engineering, accounting – whatever you are doing, it can be a crowded place.

I had a choice. I could go down a really egotistical route and become offended or I could choose to listen to the feedback. I learnt it was becoming part of my coaching identity.

My question is this: even if you have a full time job, which is great, what are you doing to stand out in your workplace? In your relationships?

When it all started to take shape, I picked up the phone and spoke to a friend called Rich Clayton from Monkey Mischief, who later would turn into my brand manager. He was very instrumental in the strength of The Coach with the Hat brand. I told him about my vision and then he pushed even harder. How cool is that? Without knowing it, he had nominated himself to take on the job of brand manager. We really wanted to test the name of the brand “The Coach with the Hat.” Using the power of Facebook and other social media tools, we posted a simple question: “What do you think of when you hear the name The Coach with the Hat?”

Even if you are an innovator, it is only a matter of time before competitors start to take their share and choke the market place.

After all, business is relationship management; relationships are relationship management. In your marriage or whatever your relationship might be; what are you doing to stand apart from the rest? A large part of it (and very few people think about it) is Branding. Branding is so important, so underestimated. I strongly suggest that to stand out, you should develop a brand and then be that brand. Live the brand, breed the brand, wear the brand, and let it be everything about you. Be the brand.

You must BE the brand, whatever the brand is. Whatever it is you do, have that as a brand. Yes, wear that branding hat all the time. Whatever it takes to

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

stand out, all the better. What does your brand say about you? Some unconventional questions about your brand:

Does it suggest that it is okay to make mistakes?

Do you think sometimes you need to go out there and purposely get it wrong?

That is a scary thought, going and messing up. Fear is an emotion, something that you can use in two ways; you can let it control you or you can control it - and use it to propel you into action. I will say it again: fear is an emotion. Do you think you can overcome fear? If you run a business or find yourself in the midst of a start-up, should you test the product? The answer would be ‘Yes’. We test products to see how the market reacts. It is done as a small mistake on a smaller scale, so when the product or business is realised it does not translate into a larger scale a mistake that can affect your dreams on a larger scale.

The way we do one thing is how we do everything! It is Your Right to Be Wrong came from years of working in training and working with people. Through working with people I realised that the biggest fear people have is the fear of making mistakes and getting it wrong.

The Journey to the Coach with the Hat

The message here:

Fear is an emotion you control, not the other way around. We control fear when we let it go. Always listen to feedback and what your audience is telling you – after all, they are the ones who will follow you. What can you do to stand out in the market place?

It is not the mistake itself that creates fear. It is the fear of getting it wrong. It is a simple concept, but it is not an easy one - there is a difference between the two. Before I get into this part of the book, I just want you to sit back and consider all the places you think you have to get things right!

It’s all about you

It’s all about you.

At this point I think you might want to grab a cup of tea or coffee because this won’t be a straightforward exercise. I am going to state this: this book is all about you. It’s all about what has stopped you, what creates issues in your life and how to move forward. One of our sayings at The Coach with the Hat is this: Once the hat is on and the gloves are off the only way is forward. It is about moving you forward into positive action, while also understanding some of the psychology behind what stops you and what will get in your way. Here is what some of people had to say when thinking of places they are afraid to get it wrong. The names and professions have been changed for confidentiality:

“My name is Janet and basically I have got many places that I want to be right. I have been in my job for quite a while. I am always scared that if I move or if I go onto another job that I am not going to be good enough.” “My name is Amanda. I suppose it is my procrastination also. I have to be right if I teach people stuff that is going to affect them. I worry that if I will just say it and I would get it wrong and then I would have a big effect on their lives.” Let’s go on a little journey. I would like to take you back to when you were growing up. Think of some of your superheroes. Did you have a super hero you followed? Fancied? If you don’t have one, choose one and keep them in mind. At my seminar, It’s Your Right to Be Wrong, when I run this exercise I get all kinds of answers: Spiderman, Superman, Danger Mouse, and one guy even told us his hero was Bugs Bunny – how I love this exercise! Thinking about your superhero,

what were some of their characteristics that appealed to you? Here are some that come up on a regular basis: brave, invincible, strong, fair, compassionate, influential, risk-takers, humble, action takers, they are about helping other people. Here is a question for you:

Is there anything on that list you cannot do, develop or be?

I think we both know the answer to that: NO! There is nothing on that list that doesn’t already exist in you already. Very rarely does anyone mention flying... Why is that? I want you to think of yourself right now like a superhero-type character, possibly one that has been listed above or one of your own. I am going to use Jack Bauer from the series 24. If you haven’t seen it, that is okay- just stick with your hero in mind. Jack is powerful, strong and masculine. He is what can be called a ‘man’s man’. Jack is also someone who understands that time is of the essence and that every minute that he is not taking action or doing something towards his goal somebody could get hurt. Jack also understands that if he is not doing something, the situation is getting further and further away from saving people, helping them or saving the country. That very much could be the situation with you, though not on such a large scale. What am I referring to? What you don’t understand is that time is of the essence! The more you don’t deal with your crap, the more you are hurting one person: You. Now think about it; if you were like Jack Bauer and everything depended upon you to happen or everything had to happen because of you, would you stop for a second and wonder if you were right or wrong, or would you just go for things? Would you just take action? Would you mess around when you think of the consequences for every single scenario? Think about that for a second.

Would you drop everything and think: “What if I get it wrong?’

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

It’s all about you

What if I make a mistake? I have survived many things in my life but, this is a major decision, I am not quite sure what to do right now.

Do you think a hero would do that?

Do you think Jack Bauer would think like that?

In many situations, what actually stops us from doing and taking action is our desire to do the right thing and the fear of getting it wrong. However, all of our learning happens in actually getting it wrong. It is your right to be wrong.

Or even Minnie Mouse?

Do you think at that moment, when that hero is faced with that split second decision which can saves lives, that they always see the bigger picture? Do you think heroes understand that there is a bigger picture than just them, and that there is something bigger out there? You bet your Spiderman underwear they do! Absolutely. They know with no room for doubt that it is all up to them at that moment. They are taking massive responsibility. The heroes would do whatever it takes. Sometimes our heroes can even give up their lives. Either way they step into the challenge. They are completely involved in that challenge. It does not have to be a bomb by the way. There are big enough causes, enough to go round besides your ‘normal’ ones. Their onset would be more along the lines of: If I don’t solve it, Humanity could disappear. How exciting would it be if you woke up every morning with that kind of mindset: What could I do to today to help save Humanity? How many times are we confronted with the challenge that the voices in our heads kick in and give us this false statement “Oh! I am going to get it wrong.” As a result you back down from the challenge because you fear making a mistake. Now hold on a minute. I am not saying that I need you to go out there and kick a whole bunch of people’s asses, not obey the rules and not evaluate the consequences up front. On the contrary, I am saying to evaluate your consequences up front, simply without focusing on the right or wrong.

What I am talking about is your call to action. What’s stopping you? Is it the simple fear of getting it wrong?

Let’s get back to Jack, or any other action character that you like. After all, there is no right or wrong in this path. Many of these characters are driven by what is right for them, like Jack – he understands he needs to do whatever it takes to succeed in his missions, as does Rambo, as does Rocky or any of the X-Men – they have very clear missions and they know what they need to do. Often, our superheroes are confronted with situations in which they must take immediate action. It simply means going forward. It’s not thinking too much and it is not attaching too much meaning; it’s a simple act: going forward, taking massive and decisive action and then finding out what is on the other side – not letting that fear get in the way or block them. There is just too much at stake not to go for it. They truly do not stop and go; “Uh, what if I make a mistake?” “What if it all goes wrong?” “What will people say?” “I am so strong, what if I blow it?”

Why is this any different for you?

I am well aware that you are not Jack Bauer, an X-Man or Rambo, Rocky, Electra, or Syd from Alias - or are you? But even then, consider what’s actually stopping you a lot of the time from going for things. It’s just fear of getting it wrong. Have there been times where you just had to go for it? You are the hero in the superhero movie of your life. If that means you get absolute success and your family and friends could have an amazing life, wouldn’t you put yourself to one side and you go for it? Absolutely you would.

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

Why is it that you are not translating this into your life? If you are reading this, the chances are you don’t lead a life like Jack Bauer. That doesn’t mean you are not a hero. It just means you haven’t realised it yet. You might be wondering why I use that metaphor. It is because from having working with people on a daily basis I see the biggest aspect that stops them from taking action and holds them back - it is the fear of getting it wrong. This is something I cover at the seminar; It’s Your Right to Be Wrong. From working with hundreds of people and doing many seminars, I have learned it is not truly the mistake itself – it’s the fear of making mistakes that holds people back from so many large and small successes in life, and from taking action and growing. Remember, like your hero you are strong and powerful. You understand that there is a bigger picture than just you. Even if you do not know what that is right now, that is okay. There is no right or wrong. You know who you need to be right now because everything you are doing is taking you where you need to go. It is all part of the journey. I am writing this not because I want to be fluffy; I because it is a fact.

hate fluff. I am writing this

You are all of the above. There is just a massive chance that you are choosing not to be any of them. By reading this book and attending the seminar; It’s Your Right to be Wrong, I want you to understand one thing – mistakes are great and should be celebrated. When you get it wrong, I want you to jump up and down with joy, screaming loudly; “I made a mistake! I made a mistake! I am amazing! I am a human being! I am learning and growing!” That’s exactly what I want you to do! Celebrating is something I get a lot of my clients to do. I am constantly amazed at how seldom people actually celebrate, even though it can be 100% free and freeing. Celebrating can make us feel great! Could it be because we measure celebration by what we did well and what we got

“

It’s all about you

I made a mistake! I made a mistake! I am amazing! I am a human being! I am learning AND growing!

”

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

right? Let’s dispel that myth now! It’s Your Right to Be Wrong and any action that was conducted because you wanted to grow and help your success, as long as you didn’t hurt anyone on the way on purpose, must be celebrated. If you haven’t done that and are not doing that, start today. Start NOW! I am going to make an educated guess: right now you have a voice in your head telling you that this is a little bit crazy and you are probably asking, “What the hell is The Coach with the Hat talking about?” Well that is the same voice that also tells you that mistakes are bad and to never get it wrong. It’s the same voice that is blocking you, that is stopping you, that is controlling you – it’s the same voice that you hear when you are in doubt, the same voice that has been holding you back, the same voice that you think is looking out for you and advising you against your better judgement. At times the voice is your family. At times it’s your friends. Other times it’s your boss. The voice talks you out of doing something. Whichever way the voice shows up, it is taking you out. Those are the voices that we want to train to speak to you in a different way. You can teach them to talk in a constructive and supportive manner. Remember, as the voices stand, those are the voices that could be stopping you from succeeding. Now I would like you to do an enormous favour for both you and me. I want you to tell that voice to be quiet while you read this book and then slowly you will learn to get it to support you and help to drive you forward.

Before I carry on, I would like to give credit it to the person from whom I first heard the concept of ‘voices in the head’ and that is Blair Singer. Every time you hear me talk about little voices, the concept came from the initial planning of his book ‘Little Voice Mastery’ and I highly recommend it. Still thinking about the voices in your head? Just tell those voices for now to be quiet– it’s as simple as that!

It’s all about you

The Message here:

You are the hero in your own super hero movie of life; all the characteristics of a hero already exist in you. Wake every day wondering how you could support humanity more - now there’s a thought! Ask those voices in your head to be quiet. If they don’t serve you and support you, replace them with the ones that do. Yes. It is that simple.

Getting it right...

• • • •

doing anything for the first time writing a book when answering or asking questions learning to play an instrument

Depending on your list, and this list, I am sure we can go on and on.

I would like you write down all the situations that come to mind in which you feel you absolutely must be right at all costs.

By now you understand what I am expressing. I want you to understand something of what is actually happening when we tell ourselves that we must get it right.

Great work!

First of all, we are putting ourselves under pressure and open ourselves up to judgement both external and internal. Subconsciously you are still thinking about getting it wrong because we have this ingrained pattern that is driven by fear. The fear is of getting it wrong because somewhere in your life you were told that getting it wrong is a bad thing and then your experiences seemed to support it. Somewhere in your life you experienced terrible consequences when getting it wrong.

Let’s think of some more places where we would put ourselves under pressure by thinking we have to get it right. Even worse, you think you have to get it right the first time without any guidance. I am just going to list a few examples and by all means feel free to add your list as we go along. Here goes:

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training of any kind sports games sports training setting up a business running a business asking someone on a date making love dealing with friendships choosing what clothes to wear for big occasions creating a document drawing singing dancing acting public speaking in family and other close relationships expressing ourselves having a vision

Somewhere along the line in your daily routine of growing up, you did things wrong which you didn’t even know were wrong until you got it wrong. The day you got it wrong set you off and you still react today to that very first feeling. The pattern was set. Then you were fed into a ‘system’ called School. Every day you went there, and every day the teachers were cementing the feeling that getting it wrong was horrible, it was a bad thing, that people who got it wrong would never succeed. Even worse, that seriously getting it wrong equated to you amounting to being a failure. Think of the day you didn’t do homework or you got your homework wrong. What if you made mistakes on a regular basis? Were you praised for at least having a good go at it? Or were you told you were stupid? Every day you were left with the feeling that people who got it right were better liked and got further. Remember that? Sometimes it felt like if you got it wrong you were going to be an outcast and a bad person. And all this happened by the time you were seven, believe it or not!

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

It didn’t stop there though, did it? You didn’t stop going to school or growing up or making mistakes. Now a lot of the anchoring of these feelings and notions happened by the time you were seven. Your very need, desire and want to get it right is there in order to avoid experiencing getting it wrong because of all the emotional attachment and judgement that goes with it. This is actually counter-productive because we end up in so many situations that don’t serve us: fights, arguments, lying- or the other extreme: we don’t say anything or never make a decision because we don’t want to be wrong. Not wanting to be wrong or in the wrong, stops you from going after things such as promotions or what we truly love, because then we start to link being wrong with rejection. In order to be safe and not experience this on a regular basis, we box ourselves in and minimise our exposure to the pain. Many of us just stay part of an employment system or part of ‘The system’, so we don’t have to think of getting things wrong because we are part of the system that minimises it. You want to avoid that feeling that was anchored in you that day when you first made a mistake. In the seminar It’s Your Right to Be Wrong, I share some very useful flip charts to help you deal with rejection and the whole notion of getting it wrong. At this point you might be wondering what that day you got it wrong might have looked like. Shall we go on a little journey? Let’s jump on that train back to the day you first got it wrong. You might not even remember the day however, your subconscious does and you know what it felt like. The day might have gone something like this: You were very young and you more than likely you had a big smile on your face on that day. You reached out and did something, touched something, moved something. All was done innocently. It could have been that you picked up something sharp or you wanted to touch something hot or even pulled on something. The reaction you got from doing it was very new to you. Until that day it was hugs and food. The reaction felt horrible. You more than likely cried because this was an overwhelming feeling

Getting it right...

that was projected onto you. You cried because you didn’t understand what the hell was going on. After all, how were you to know? All you knew was that you got a really, really, new feeling that you didn’t like and it created fear in you. That was your first experience of getting it wrong. That is the feeling you carry around; that’s the same feeling you have attached to rejection and that’s the same feeling you attach to failure. As we discussed, it is not getting wrong that bothers us, it is the fear of getting it wrong. It is the judgements that we attach to getting things wrong. One of the biggest fears, maybe the number one fear, for a lot of people is public humiliation. Why is that? It’s because we are afraid of looking bad in front of other people – because we are afraid of making mistakes and then looking bad, and getting judged by people. In this case, the key fear of getting things wrong is an ego thing. It’s not actually a suave thing; it’s an ego thing. Because when we got it wrong in the past we were laughed at, judged, yawned at, felt silly, and as a result felt worthless, or horrible. That happens every time you get it wrong and all these feelings resurface and no one, no one, wants to feel crappy. Wouldn’t it be great if it went something like this:

“Well done! You know, you have made a fool of yourself but well done. You got it wrong and good for you.” “You know what? You went for it and it didn’t work out but well done for having a go.” “You certainly looked out of place; but that took guts”

I am not saying that never happens. However, that seems to happen very rarely and by that point the damage is done. You have judged yourself so much by the way other people see you that the pain has set in. Let me tell you a little story. I recently went and auditioned for a very big TV show - you might have heard of it, it’s called Britain’s Got Talent. It is a very big TV show here in the UK with over 20 million people viewing it. They have never had a

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

Getting it right...

motivational speaker on there before, so I decided to give it a go. Despite Rich’s (my brand manager) massive objections, I went for it. I went up in front of the one of the most famous people here in Britain and the USA, Simon Cowell and the other judges, who are also very wealthy people in the United Kingdom. Not only did I go up in front of them, I went up in front of 4000 people - which is the size of audiences for The Coach with the Hat. I introduced myself and proceeded to do my act which was all about overcoming fear and used an arrow to break upon my throat to demonstrate my point. Whilst doing my introductions I was cheered and shown a lot of love. I thought I had them and this would go well. Once I started my act the audience promptly booed, shouted, yelled, and chanted me off the stage. Now had I been afraid of getting it wrong, had I let fear control me and had I not understood that rejection is not personal, do you think I would have done it? Not in a million years! However, I went for it because I don’t consider people’s judgement of me as an important factor in my journey to success.

because she got her sugar fix. When her mother comes back she sees the cookie missing. She turns to the little girl and asks, “Did you take the cookie?” The little girl says “Yes”. Then her mother has a go at her and the little girl feels bad. She feels terrible but she does not understand what the big deal is because it wasn’t explained to her. After all, didn’t she do the right thing and tell the truth? Isn’t that what are always told to do? Is telling the truth always the right thing to do?

I also learnt some great lessons and putting myself out there. I believe in walking the walk. Did it hurt being booed by 4000 people? Did I learn a lot about selecting and pitching to the right market? Did it help me become a better speaker because it exposed my weaknesses? Yes, yes and yes!

What I would like you to do right now is to think of all those occasions when you allowed people’s judgement to stop you from doing things. I would like you to list them. I want you to see where you could have taken action but you let other people stop you or where the fear of the judgement of other people stopped you. I would like you to list all those places, all those situations where you let other people or their judgement stop you. I would like to share a great story by an amazing man called Gary King. Gary, who has worked with Tony Robbins for over 20 years, certainly has a story or two to tell to help us understand human nature. Gary tells this story on his CD ‘Pay the Truth Forwards’ Gary explains a lot of why we are so afraid of getting it wrong and why a lot of people resort to lying instead of telling the truth when they mess up. A little girl walks into the kitchen and sees a tray of freshly baked cookies; nice, warm and smelling very yummy. The little girl helps herself. She sits down and eats the cookie and feels like a million bucks. She feels good about herself

Instead of explaining to the child what the cookies were for, why she shouldn’t take them, the mother reacts in anger. The little girl still does not understand why taking cookie is bad or is such a big deal. The next time she does it, she denies it. Then she learns to take things and lies because lying doesn’t hurt as much as telling the truth. Not only that, but her mother rewards her because she appeared to have learned the lesson. She learns not to tell the truth because telling the truth hurts.

Why would you do that?

Gary asks us not to do that, and I second that -- please don’t do that to your children, or to any of your family, friends or other loved ones. Don’t teach children, especially, the equation that truth equals anger, that hurt and truth equals arguments.

Does that sound familiar?

Have you been on either end of that situation?

Does that show up in your life?

Back to It’s Your Right to Be Wrong. Let me open your eyes a little. How we react in one situation is probably how we react in every situation. And guess what? You are not alone. Keeping in mind everything we have discussed here, we start to understand our drive, our need to get it right. Start to understand why we don’t want to feel like that day; when you took the cookie. What a lot of us do in order not to feel that way is to actually start fights! Arguments, people falling out, relationships and marriages fall apart because of the notion you have to be right. Think about this

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

for a second: if you are right, and you have to be right to save face and you are doing everything you can do to be right, then someone has to be wrong? Right? By pushing your need to be right ‘They’, whoever ‘They’ are: partners, friends, brothers, sisters, work colleagues, have to be wrong. The result is that a negative judgement is attached to that relationship or situation. That’s why there are people out there who are just absent-minded, determined to be right in every situation, who are seeking the ‘feel good’ factor about themselves. It’s a selfish mindset and they do anything they can to be right. They will emotionally manipulate their arguments in a need for them to have certainty. Think about this for a second. It might give them certainty, but look at all the negative doings that they have got wrong in order to feel right. Let’s pause for a second. At this point I want you to stop and say this to yourselves at least 10 times: “It’s my right to be wrong. It’s my right to be wrong.” You get the point. Keep saying that: “It’s my right to be wrong.”

Shout it out:

“IT’S MY RIGHT TO BE WRONG!” Or sing it! How do you feel? It’s liberating, isn’t it? I hope you are smiling, inside and out. To take the notion that it’s your right to be wrong, that being wrong is good, it’s so liberating. It is your right to be wrong. All the best lessons you will ever learn come from getting it wrong – isn’t that exciting? Now if you took on this way of thinking it might be right to be wrong, take this on board as well: There is only feedback in any given situation. Yes, you read it correctly. There is only feedback. No right, no wrong, only feedback.

Getting it right...

Taking on this way of thinking does mean doing a lot of self-assessment on a continual and even daily basis. It also means that continuously you have to check and assess your mindset. The thought that there is only feedback is an amazing, amazing mindset to develop. It also removes a lot of the pressure we place on ourselves. When you inherit this notion, make this your own concept and completely ownit, your life will change forever for the better. Your ability to deal with any situation will change dramatically. The quality of your life will improve. You will have less stress and fewer arguments, especially if you are a corporate person who works in an environment where there is much political bickering. Simply remember there is only feedback. You will find your ability to take action increases dramatically too and not only that, excuses will start to disappear. How liberating is that? Remember this book is about examining the whole notion of getting it right and how getting it wrong is a valuable asset. Before I start to address excuses, I feel it’s important to discuss beliefs and values. Let’s look into where beliefs come from. Here are some of the answers I get when I ask these questions at the seminar:

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Experiences Parents Religion Media Environment Rules Attitude Friends Books

These are great answers...

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

The reason I want to address beliefs is because they are such drivers of our need to be right. They also drive our fear of being wrong. When we are confronted by a situation where we have to make a decision or feel we have to get it right or wrong, our beliefs and value-filters kick in. I will show you, just like I do at the It’s Your Right to Be Wrong seminar what you could do about your beliefs and your values to help move you forward and get positive results in your life. A much, much, much better living style is to be had which will create a far more peaceful living environment because right or wrong are very much dictated by our values and our beliefs. Examining where beliefs come from means considering where we grew up, what kind of family we grew up in, what area and what culture we were born into. All are related to the creation of our beliefs, as is religion. The religion you were brought up in (or absence of it) will very much shape your beliefs. The next part is realising that what happened to you in the past will also shape your beliefs. Your schooling experiences for instance. We discussed the schooling system already in the previous chapter. Where you went to secondary school, high school, college or university will also shape your beliefs. Another factor will be when you took action, what happened when you did, when it worked or when you took action and it didn’t, will also shape your beliefs. Most of us have been in this situation. You went for a job and you didn’t get it. You felt disappointed, angry, resentful and hurt. The experience will cause you to create a belief around that experience which will affect your belief in yourself. A lot of the time your self-belief will go down as your confidence will as well. Our brain will always find a way to justify a belief. As soon as you decide and make a choice to believe in something, your brain will always find ways to justify it. It will go on autopilotand search through your belief filters to justify the belief you want to create. This is one of the many reasons why our mind is so powerful, aside from all the other amazing functions it carries out. Our mind will always find a way.

Getting it right...

Do you want to know what makes me really sad? It is the fact that so many people underestimate the power of their minds – instead of using the mind to build themselves up, they use it to destroy themselves; instead of using it to empower and create an amazing life for themselves, they use it to hide and empower negativity. Instead of using it to lead, they use it to follow. There are two types of beliefs: positive or Empowering beliefs and negative or Disempowering beliefs. They are one and the same. It’s a bit like potato - patato. There are always two sides to our beliefs. For every belief that does not serve you, somewhere you made a decision about that belief and decided through your belief filters how you can justify that belief. It’s just as easy to create a belief that does serve you using the same filters to justify and empower you. Write a few of your beliefs below, at this point just write don’t worry about separating them. How many beliefs do you have in what you “can’t” do? Think about that for a second. Let’s expand on this. I want you to write down all the beliefs you don’t think can serve you. Once you have done that you should have a list of beliefs that have actually stopped you. Call them what you will; a negative belief, a Disempowering belief or anything else. It is true, by knowing your Disempowering beliefs it helps you to understand what is blocking you and where. Also, we get stronger by working on our weaknesses. If you know what you don’t want, it helps you identify what you do want. If you know what your Disempowering beliefs are you can change them into Empowering beliefs. By working on your Disempowering beliefs you can turn them into Empowering beliefs. Beliefs are something that we can change. Are they not? Yes or yes? What I want to show you is also how you can turn them into Empowering beliefs and to drive you forward. Belief plays an integral part of your success. 80% of everything is pretty much believing in it and 20% is action. 80% has to be belief in yourself because without belief, no goals are going to come true, no plans are going to come to fruition, nothing will happen in your life if

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

Getting it right...

you don’t empower your belief. This book is all about having the hat on, the gloves off, and moving forward.

you make a real, deep decision to empower yourself and you feel it everywhere in your body. Go for it and watch the doors of opportunity open up for you!

Now you have done that little exercise, I want to demonstrate to you how ridiculous it is to believe you can’t do something. If you keep doing this to everything you believe you can’t do, you will see how ridiculous just saying “I can’t” actually is.

When I went to the audition at the dance school, I was twenty-one, which is considered old in the dance profession. I had long hair and glasses. I had no technique, and to make things worse, they put me in an audition with people who were going into the third year which meant they were very experienced as performers and as dancers. Do you know what got me through the audition? Even though I was the worst dancer there (that isn’t me going into judgement), do you know what got me into the school? My desire and my belief! True story.

Because what you are saying when you say “I can’t,” is actually “I don’t want to,” which equals “I am afraid.” That’s okay because it’s our right to be wrong. Are you afraid to get it wrong? You don’t believe because you are afraid to get it wrong. It is ridiculous coming up with beliefs that don’t serve you - I can’t do it because I am wearing a hat, I can’t do it because I am wearing a T-shirt with a white stripe on it. That’s pretty ridiculous isn’t it? That’s as ridiculous as you telling me I can’t do it because of whatever excuse you have been telling yourself.

Wouldn’t it be much, much better to turn everything you do into an Empowering belief so your life can feel enriched?

I remember that day like it was yesterday. The first part was a complete disaster! I was doing steps I had never seen before. How could I? I was at university beforehand which really didn’t teach me anything about steps; all it did was to teach me how to write essays. I looked like a guy who was slipping on little glass marbles attempting to keep his feet. In plain English, I looked terrible. That was only the first part. I knew I was out of my depth. When it came to the jumps, I knew I wouldn’t be able to be particularly graceful, so I told myself: just jump higher than everyone else, which is what I did. I made sure I was always jumping above the head of the person in front of me. I just believed that I could, and I did. Once that part ended, I simply took myself to the side and said to myself, “Elliot you have completely messed that up! Now go out there and throw yourself into everything no matter how bad you look. You will stand out whatever you do.” You see, simple belief in my actions. I did that and got in! I also got put into the first year of training for obvious reasons.

Regardless of the outcome, remember: it is your right to be wrong.

You have a choice: you can decide what belief you want to use to support

For each Disempowering belief you can turn anything into an Empowering belief. I am a brilliant, brilliant person. I am a brilliant writer. I am a brilliant speaker. I am a brilliant businessperson. I am brilliant, I am amazing, and I can do it! – It starts with a decision to do it. This is something I go into with great depth at the seminar. With a ‘can do’ mindset, you can easily turn any Disempowering belief into a positive one. You can get it to move you forward which is key.

At least you will crown yourself with empowered beliefs everyday in whatever you are doing, whatever action you take. Wouldn’t it be amazing to know you can only learn and grow? You can start with anything, simply start by choosing one belief you want to focus on. Decide what you want to believe and use your filters to turn it around. I know it can come across as fluffy and, believe me, I hate fluff. However, I can only tell you how powerful this is; this has turned my life around. It is so powerful when

you and write it down. Whatever you write, do it with a smile on your face. Tell the voices in your head to shut up. It is time to shift all those Disempowering beliefs into Empowering beliefs. Haven’t you held yourself back for long enough? And it’s really important when you are creating to create them with a smile. Now every day, I want you to remind yourself of your vision. If you don’t have a vision board, create one. Hang your visions up where you can see them. When you wake up, just look at them for a few seconds without any judgement and smile.

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

Right now I am going to be a little tough on you and I want you to ask yourself: Are you making excuses about not going for it, driving forwards in life and really following your dream?

Are you bailing out?

Have you been holding back?

Are you not fulfilling your potential?

Are you playing it small?

Have you answered yes to any of these questions? If you have been honest and have said yes, thank you for being honest. I have to break this to you: you are taking yourself out of that game! You aren’t standing out. You are standing aside while others go forward; you are standing back while others go up. Here at The Coach with the Hat we don’t want that because we have a motto: Hats on, gloves off; the only way is forward. It’s time for you to take that step. Put a new belief hat on, roll up your action gloves and drive forward and watch people wave at you on your way up! Remember to create Empowering Beliefs all the way, acknowledge the Disempowering ones and turn them round.

Getting it right...

The message here:

Beliefs are created by us. We can use beliefs to drive us into action and move us forwards. We must also understand that rejection is never personal unless we decide to make a personal thing. In any given situation look for feedback. There is no right or wrong... only feedback.

Values

influence on our mindsets and how we spend our time.

Values

I want you to be aware that there is no such thing as positive or negative values. They are just our values. And it is your values that will help you see the whole picture about yourself, and help you gain further understanding of what is important to you and why you are where you are today. Even better; what you can do about it.

Remember the motto of this book - ‘It’s Your Right to Be Wrong?’

Wouldn’t you love to know what your real values are?

Wouldn’t it be great to understand why you think you always need to be right or understand the fear of getting it wrong? How liberating would that be?

Which are your high values?

Let me introduce you to another factor of what drives our need to be right or our fear of getting it wrong; our values. Values are incredibly important. They drive us more than we realise; they direct us, but they may also act as barriers. Values are important to us. Do you know what your values are? Let me help you define what values are. Most of us do not truly understand the concept of values. Look back at the last 24 hours:

Where did you spend your time? What were the feelings you enjoyed throughout the day?

What excited you?

What were the feelings you didn’t enjoy?

Answering these questions will help you reflect upon your values. Where you spent your time in the last 24 hours is what you value. If you spent a lot of time with your friends, you value friendship. If you spent a lot of time making money, you value money. If you spent a lot of time with your family, what you value is family. Keep in mind there is no right or wrong, there just is. Values really have a massive

Are they the values that make you jump out of bed for something, or are they values that leave you frustrated because they aren’t actually in line with who you are? A lot of times when I ask this question in seminars or when working with my clients, the response I get is what is known as Hollywood values. This simply means people give out the answer that they think others want to hear, instead of their real values. When I ask you this question, right now as you are reading this book, I want to be clear that I am not talking about Hollywood values. I am talking about your real values;the ones that make you jump out of bed and drive you into action. At the risk of scaring you away from answering the question, let me explain something when I say Hollywood values. It’s a term I use at my seminars and my talks. I also talk about Hollywood goals and what these mean are values that sound good. They ring bells for everyone and even get you applause but aren’t really your true values. It sounds a bit like:

“I want to be a millionaire, have a lovely healthy family and a nice big house etc...” Those values are just fine if they are your real values. Because people think there is a right or wrong, they simply say what sounds good. Which also gives them a quick fix or ‘feel good’ factor. A lot of people use the Hollywood values to get a clap and show everyone else they are ambitious. I call them Hollywood values because they sound glamorous and they display drive. In reality the person does not believe in them for a second - they say it because they believe it is the right thing to say.

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

Let me ask you the question again: what are your true values?

Values

What are the feelings that are important for you to feel on a daily basis?

Moving Away values actually are a result of pain. They are a defensive filter to stop us from feeling pain yet they lead us to more pain. We don’t like to feel pain and we don’t like to get it wrong, right? Some of the Moving Away values that come up during the seminar are things like:

What are the feelings that you like to feel and experience?

I would like you to write down a list. Just before you get going, when you ask yourself the questions above go with the first answers that come to your mind, because your subconscious knows the answers,so let it answer. Even if the answers surprise you, write them down. Trust yourself. You will have the answers. I don’t want you to think about what is right or wrong because there is no right or wrong and this isn’t a right or wrong exercise. Only what is true to you.

Are you ready to do that? Start writing! Remember there is no right or wrong. We have three types of values, believe it or not. None of which are good or bad. Let’s look at the list in order to break them down. I asked some very specific questions like what is most important to you and how you like to feel on a regular basis. These are called Moving Towards values. They push us and drive us towards our goals and also what we want on a daily basis and create positive action in everything we do. The key word here is ‘action’. On a subconscious level, Moving Towards values keep you moving towards your goal, bring pleasure to your life and make you feel utterly energised.

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Hurt Rejection Loneliness Stress Pressure The need to be right

You might be wondering where I am going with this and why I want you to do this exercise. It is because we have to acknowledge our Moving Away values. They are powerful. They have a massive influence on situations, much more than we are consciously aware. They steer us like an engine. They are actually more powerful than our Moving Towards values because they are moving us away from our goals and long term successes. Let’s pause for a second. Go ahead and tell yourself that you are amazing right now. Ready? Say it; “I am amazing.” Brilliant. Well done! And again; “I am amazing.” Again, “I am amazing.” Do it! I just wanted to clear your mind for a second there. We have discussed beliefs and values and that you have your Moving Towards values that drive you towards your goals, your successes. We have introduced your awareness to Moving Away values that drive you away from success; they stop you from taking action which form part of the “can’t do” of your life.

What I would like you to do next is list all the things that you don’t like to feel on a daily basis.

Once you start to think and create the ‘can’t’ in your life, you stop progressing and start to create excuses in your head.

You might be wondering why I ask such a heavy question. Because there are different types of values. These are Moving Away values. Those are values that actually push us away from where we want to be, values that create blocks to our success and lead to pain.

Remember those voices. You then start to vocalise the excuses which empower the voices in your head to kick in and you move into judgement because you feel bad.

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

Another example of a Moving Away values would be: “I want to be successful because I don’t want to be like”…or “I will prove everyone wrong.” Although it can drive you and get you places, your drive and filters are from a state of pain and anger. If you are doing that, you are doing it because you don’t want to be someone else, which actually is a value. The result will push you away because you want to prove other people wrong and not do it for yourself. This is a completely different energy and focus. It’s a Moving Away value because it’s a result of wanting to avoid pain. Here is a personal example. I was determined to succeed in life because I feared failure. I compared failure and not succeeding to my dad and I made myself a promise that I didn’t want to be like my dad and wouldn’t be like my dad. My value of not wanting to be like my dad drove me in all kinds of directions, and if I ever felt that I was heading in the direction of being like my dad, big alarm bells started to ring. It all sounds very good. However, the energy I invested in not wanting to be was a lot greater because you are, in effect, running away from something. In this situation my Moving Away value was fear of failure and my Moving Towards value was success. Upon closer examination, this was actually not the case - as I had decided I wouldn’t be like my dad, they were actually both Moving Away values. I was in a moving-away state, “a not to be like” state. My actions and drive weren’t there because instead of focusing on what I did want to be I focused on what I didn’t want to be. Because we are infinite beings and we can be anything, simply choose to be a success. Not because you don’t want to be like someone else. That is a Moving Away value.

Could you be doing this? Could you be coming from a place where you want to prove people wrong?

Values

When you are living down to your lowest values and stuck in your Moving Away values, you are in a frustrated state of mind. Getting out of bed is hard and you are more than likely very tired. You might be able to hide and get away with it, only because it is in your head and no one can see what you are thinking. That’s what you might think. If you are hiding and not being true to the state of mind you are in you are also in a state of judgement of yourself.

The chances are that if you are judging yourself you are likely to be judging others. Here is a new way for you to judge yourself: Think about it like this: Every time you judge yourself, you are creating little bits of pain that eat away at you. Now, at some point when you are in so much pain, you make a change and it prompts you to take action but it isn’t always sustainable because it won’t be too long before you start to judge yourself again. In modern times one subjects oneself to a great deal of judgement, which in turn leads you to punish yourself. Think about judgements like weights. Every time you judge yourself, you are adding, carrying more and more around, which is why we feel so heavy when we judge ourselves. Ever wondered why it feels so heavy when we go into judgement? Aching thoughts? Judgement equals heavy, burdensome weight. Do you feel heavy on that day or for that week or whatever it is? You do, don’t you? You feel absolutely heavy and that’s why you feel extra tired too. You are carrying kilos and kilos of energy that does not serve you. You wouldn’t carry an extra heavy bag for the sake of it, would you? That is what you are doing when you judge yourself. If you really do equate judgement to weights, physical weight, if you added up the amount of judgement you place on yourself, you are more than likely walking around with a thousand kilos extra every day.

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

Values

Because it is not physical weight we think we can get away with it. Do you think the body will find the way to externalise it and bring it out? Damn right it will! Eventually it all comes out; moods swings, your temper, how you react to situations, rashes, physical illness. It is even said that cancer is caused by blocked emotions.

Remember it will always find a way to surface. It always will! Unless you address your issues with judgement.

Whatever way it is, all this pressure and pain will find a way to surface.

Come down on yourself because you know that you can do better! This has to do with the Moving Away values.

When the situation arises at the time you won’t even know why it feels so bad, why your mood has shifted and you are depressed all of a sudden. What happens is that: while in a specific situation, all your filters kicked in and you are not conscious that this is happening. It slowly starts to build up bit by bit. First you have little explosions here and there. You might get mood swings, feel sad and eventually you explode.

However, what do you do most of the time?

Do they serve us? No.

Do we have to acknowledge them? Absolutely!

Are they a part of us? Yes.

Here is a personal example: When I was in school, at the age of 12, I was lying on the table as I was really tired - you know, 12-year-olds have it really tough. I didn’t care much for what the teacher had to say. I had issues going on, as do all 12 year olds, right? The teacher turned to me and in a very sarcastic tone said: “Hello, you look tired, would you like a cup of coffee?” I replied: “Yes I would. And how would you like a chair to your face?” And very quickly I picked one up and threw it at her.

Remember there are two sides to everything; everything happens equally. For everything up, there is a down. There is a yes, there is a no. There is a right, there is a left. There is punishment, there is praise.

This is not a joke. I am not proud of that moment. It was very bad. I was a horrible, nasty child. Whoever meets my mum will hear all about that. She loves to tell everyone about that period in my life.

Everything happens equally. Consider this: whenever you were being punished there was reward too. Whenever there was judgement there was praise. Whenever there was pain there was also pleasure. That exists in life universally. It is one of the laws of the universe, as defined by Sir Isaac Newton: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Yes, for every given situation there is the opposite, but what do we focus on? Pain. Judgement. Punishment.

At the time what I was reacting to the pain, the punishment and more than anything else the judgement. At the time I kept everything inside and did not talk or deal with my emotions. When I externalised it, it came out strong and loud. It had to come out somehow. With me it was very big mood swings. It was horrible. If I ever feel it surfacing again, I step back and take a massive look and know it is time to do some very deep work. These days I deal with my thinking and emotions very quickly. I also have dealt with a lot of the issues that created my extreme reactions. I had to, otherwise I would have self destructed or ended up like my dad.

There are always two sides. When you grasp this notion, it releases a lot of head space and you remove a lot of the issues around Moving Away values and judgement.

I am going to ask you to look at your values on both sides; your Moving Towards values and your Moving Away values to find out if there are any Conflicting values. This might be a new concept, something you might not even be aware of. Do you have any Conflicting values? Here is an example: ‘I am ambitious’. One of your core values is ambition, and on the Moving Away values you fear rejection. This then creates a clash of values. Now you have a conflict. This means that whenever you are moving towards a goal

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

or towards success, the conflict kicks in and blocks. Then the voices in your head kick off and as a result set off your whole pattern of ‘not wanting to get it wrong’. This in turn translates into bad news. You are not taking action and becoming successful. After looking at your values did you find you had Conflicting values? What you would need to do then is deal with the Moving Away value that is conflicting just like you would move a tree that is blocking a road. Because that Moving Away value which is conflicting will block you and your Moving Towards values. If you are afraid of rejection then it will block your value of being ambitious. Deal with any rejection issues and any issues you have around it. Remember, rejection is never personal. It is a great way to start. Start living with the mindset that rejection is never personal. Rejection is NEVER personal, unless you choose to make it personal. I will repeat that: unless you make it personal, it is never personal. It is never, ever personal. When I decided to test this notion and put myself out there in front of 4000 people, I could have felt very rejected. Not only by 4000 people, but by three of the most powerful people on TV. I chose not to take it personally. Because I understood that it was not me they were rejecting, they were rejecting what they saw me doing. Does that make me a bad person? A bad coach? Nope! During the two minutes time while I was on stage did they all get to know me? Nope. I knew it wasn’t personal. They don’t know me well enough to reject me. It is as simple as that. I learned this Concept at a seminar called “Play to Win” by Clinton Swaine. It only becomes personal when we let the ego kick in. Once you understand that it is never personal, rejection stops being one of your core values. It stops being one of your values because you are not afraid of rejection and then you can allow ambition to drive you forward.

Values

The key messages here:

By the end of this chapter you should know what your values are: it all lies in where you spent the last 24 hours. Use your Moving Towards values to drive your goals. Watch out for blockages and let the light bulb go on when blockages surface. Those are your Moving Away values. Embrace them, deal with them, and that will shoot you forwards. 53

Excuses

We have discussed Beliefs, Values, Conflicting Values and Empowering Beliefs.

Excuses

Excuses are everywhere. Making excuses comes quite easily to most of us. Making excuses is one of the Coach with the Hat’s pet dislikes.

Where are you making excuses in your life?

Where did you make excuses up in the past?

Stop making excuses!

Let’s put this thought out there: let’s say I was sitting next to you and you were discussing an idea. The idea could be about making changes in your life or setting up a business; launching or taking you up to the next level. I asked you to list why you shouldn’t do it. How many reasons could you come up with? Be honest with yourself. I am sure you will come up with many reasons. I have seen this time and time again with my clients. The Coach with the Hat would be very quick to point out how many of them are excuses. Once I start to point that out it never ceases to amaze me how many counter my suggestion with even more excuses. Coming from a place of non-judgement it is easy for me to see this. It is not always easy for the people I am working with to see it.

I will give you a very brief tip:

The next question I follow up with is: How is making excuses

working out for you?

I am going to make an educated guess. It isn’t! If it was, would you be making excuses? Making excuses goes back to the need to be right or the fear of appearing to have done something wrong or having made a mistake. At the expense of being right (or appearing like we did everything right) we justify why it happens, what went wrong and how. We come up with all kinds of crap as to why we haven’t taken action or why things haven’t worked out. For the simple notion that we are afraid it might appear that we got it wrong! I am going to make this statement: Making excuses is the same as lying. I will state it again: Making excuses is the same as lying, it’s just spelt differently. Making excuses is lying to yourself and people around you.

You can make excuses or you can be successful. The choice is yours. At this point, you might be thinking that’s the most ridiculous thing you have ever heard! If you are thinking that I can sit back and know I have done my job; this

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

Excuses

means right now you are making excuses for why you have to make excuses. Making excuses is the same as lying! Now deal with it.

Women are no different by the way, guys. Women are afraid of rejection too, just as much as anyone.

Do not confuse excuses with reasons as to why things don’t work out. For things not to work out you have to have done something, you have to have taken action, made your move – whatever you want to call it and then look to analyse the situation.

Now if you are a woman, keep reading because maybe you can understand a little bit more of the mindset of the man:

Why didn’t it work?

What part of it did go well?

How could I have done it better?

How could I correct it?

What can I do about it?

What did I learn?

It’s what I call the A of playing it SMART. However, it is not the traditional SMART as you might know it. It is The Coach with the Hat’s very own version. We cover it at the seminar in great depth. – The A of playing it SMART is asking lots of questions and Analysing. I am going to give you the simplest of examples: asking someone out. Now as I am a male, I am going to focus on asking a female out. A man sees a lovely woman and wants to ask her out. He wants to chat her up and make his move. The voices in his head start to talk him out of it, giving him excuses why he shouldn’t do it. The voices list all the excuses as to why not. The simple reason is he is afraid of getting it wrong and she will say no, which translates into rejection (as we have seen before) and most people don’t like to feel rejected unless they believe rejection is never personal.

What happens to most men is this: Men, not all of them, talk themselves out of approaching a woman before they have even taken a step towards her. The voices in their heads sound a bit like this: “she is hot/she will never look at me/I am tired/ I bet she has a boyfriend/she has a friend with her so a friend of mine is going to have to get stuck with her/I am not that kind of guy/ no one will ever look at me/ I will never get the good-looking ones/ I will have another drink first/ I just want to have a laugh/ I am going to the toilet...” Whatever it is, an excuse will be found because men are afraid of the rejection! Then they have done everything they could do to justify their Disempowering Beliefs.You see, how this works? You do? If you don’t, stop making excuses now and work it out. Now my question again would be; where else are you making excuses for not taking action in your life? Because if you are doing it in one place and letting yourself get away with it- listen to this- you are doing it everywhere. I will say that again; you are doing it everywhere. In your job, with your friends, whatever it is, you are doing it. By the way, how are the voices in your head right now? Are they going crazy? Now the same excuses I just used in the last example can be used in any situation. Let’s use a business environment example. This is what the voice would say:

“That person is really successful; they won’t look at me or talk to me or want to be associated with me.”

“I am tired and can’t be bothered to do that work.”

Through the voices all the Disempowering Beliefs kick in.

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

Excuses

“Well, I am tired, I can’t be bothered to make that call and then – they already have a partner they work with.”

are doing something that ignites passion in you, you don’t feel tired. You can’t get enough of it; you don’t go to sleep because you love it so much!

“I am not the kind of guy that goes for things. I never get promotions, I never get looked at and I am always missed out from the exciting stuff. Why am I never invited to these meetings? I will just grab another coffee before I start. They always say no to my ideas, and I just want to have a laugh!”

I bet she has a boyfriend or I bet they already have a partner. Maybe, but how do you know if you don’t ask and there is always a future as well - keep that in mind.

Does that sound familiar?

Let’s examine how all these excuses compare and what you are actually saying: The person that is really successful won’t look at me or she is really hot and she will never look at me means immediately you are comparing yourself to what you believe that person thinks is a suitable image. You don’t know if that’s what they are thinking. You are deciding for them. In a business sense, you are pre-placing your product before you have tested the market. You don’t know until you make yourself known. Don’t decide for them; go up and ask and then you will know. When you get a response, positive or negative, at least you will know... Your feedback? - Next time you need to change your questions. You have to be the one to ask the question. You have to make yourself known, get on that little stage (and I don’t mean theatre stage, but the stage of announcing your presence). Turn up, be there, be seen and then they can meet you. I am tired and can’t be bothered. Now if you are tired in these situations and you can’t be bothered it means you have no belief in what you are doing! Fact! You and I both know that’s an excuse. Being tired comes from doing something time after time with no results, no values or you do not believe in what you are doing. Because of that it is heavy and therefore tiring. You are just doing it for the sake of it. Put very simply: do something different, change what you are doing. Change your job, change your approach, and change how you view situations. Whatever it is, change it! Re-frame it; approach it differently because when you start doing something you truly love. When you do something you really care about, when you

Wouldn’t you like to be that person whose business card they pick up? You don’t know the full situation and they might be looking to expand, they might be looking for other partners. They might be looking for joint ventures; they might be looking for people to come in as consultants. How do you know if you don’t ask the questions? A favourite excuse is: I am not that kind of guy that goes for things; I am not the kind of guy that gets promotions. What you are saying, in essence, is that you are afraid of rejection. If you are not the type of guy that goes for things, you can only be the type of guy that doesn’t. You know what? You have also been the type of guy that doesn’t get results and makes excuses. Does that sound familiar? Simply make the choice and go for it. Use some of the tools that are taught in this book and what you will learn at the seminar, It’s Your Right to Be Wrong. Use the Empowering Beliefs – if you don’t have them, create them. Use the ‘I can do it’ mindset and if you are coming up with an ‘I can’t’ remember; keep writing the most ridiculous things until you can do it.

It’s a choice. Make a choice and go for it. What if that voice kicks in? You tell it to “shut up and go away!” If you are finding that you are getting tired, you haven’t found what it is you are really passionate about. If you find it tiring to approach ‘that girl’ then she isn’t the one for you. Here is a suggestion: spend some time really, really, really finding out what it is you want to go for. You are more likely to go for it! It will be easier and lighter if you know what you want to do.

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

Let’s stay with the example of women; maybe the type of women isn’t really your type. Are you going for the type you think is right for you or the type you actually like? Maybe the job you are doing isn’t for you? You thought it was once. Maybe you were pushed into it by someone else? Maybe you have got so close to your dream job only to realise it isn’t what you want?

Excuses

Because beliefs account for 80% of our drives in any given situation, you have to believe in yourself. Remember, go for the ‘can-do’ rather than the ‘cannot’. Ask questions like: How do I make it happen? And make your move which forms the M of playing it SMART.

Always think of the strategy – what’s your strategy? Not your exit strategy; your action strategy.

I won’t accept any excuses as an answer to any of the above questions. This is the time to make it. No excuses please. This is a very popular one: There is a recession going on. That is the worst excuse in the world and it is frequently overused!

Make your choice: stay miserable or find something that makes you happy. Doesn’t matter how long you have been doing what you have been doing, if it isn’t working, it isn’t working. Isn’t it time to become the person that goes for it and succeeds? Here is another great excuse: I always get told no and I never get the good projects. I am going to ask you this. What are you focusing on when you make that excuse? Your focus is on the negative and it’s on what’s lacking. Whatever you want to call it- the half empty side of the glass- you are making excuses, and you are focusing on the lack of success. You are kicking in with your Moving Away values and your Disempowering Beliefs. If you don’t believe in yourself, no one else will and so don’t expect anyone to. Don’t expect some miracle! If you don’t believe in yourself, He/She/They won’t. They simply won’t! Nobody owes you anything. You owe yourself everything. Start believing in yourself, you have been taught how to do that in this book. We also learn this at the seminar It’s Your Right to Be Wrong. There, we seriously discuss how to create empowering beliefs and the ones we have covered in this book. If you are still stuck on your “story”, go back. Do the exercises time and time again until you sort it out.

Carrying on with these terrible excuses, I will have a drink or a coffee before I start? It’s just means you are putting it off because you don’t want to get it wrong, hoping something else will come along that will distract you or take it away – that’s pretty simple to sort out. Have a coffee as a reward. Have a drink when you have done it. Reward yourself for doing it, for taking action, rather than an excuse for not doing it. Here is another great excuse: I just want to have a laugh at work. Absolutely, have a laugh at work. I just want to have a laugh with my mates or my friends. Whatever it might be, that’s good! I would encourage you to have fun in everything you do. However, do not get yourself the reputation as the joker or the one who always cracks jokes and isn’t serious. There is a time to be appropriately funny. Just like there are times not to be funny. There is a time to have a laugh and there is a time to be serious. Finding the balance is a key because if you are always seen as the joker, then you will get skipped. People want to get involved with other people who are serious and focused, yet fun. This doesn’t mean you can’t have a laugh, just find that balance.

How long are you going to sit back and make excuses?

How long are you are going to sit there and go through every reason why not?

How long will you let your Disempowering Beliefs get in the way?

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Your Right to be Wrong

The Coach with the Hat wants to say this to you: NOW is the time for you to stop that! Now is the time that you start the can-do mindset. And if you are already doing it, celebrate and go up a level. There is always another level. Always! Getting it wrong is all part of the learning because Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Your Right to Be Wrong.

The key message here:

Stop making excuses and do it!

Move out of your head and into action

If you want to subscribe to my newsletter remember to visit http://www.thecoachwiththehat.com. I would like to seriously whip your butt and not in a sexy way. Remember when the hat’s on, the gloves are off: the only way is forward! One of the biggest challenges when working with people is getting them out of their heads and into action. This becomes incredibly easy once you shift the fear if getting it wrong. Staying in your head is a safety device because you are afraid of getting it wrong or you are afraid of failing. Being in your head is also one of the most frustrating places to actually be and it is lonely. Very lonely. Let’s pause a second and think about it. • Planning everything

in your head.

•

Talking yourself out of it.

•

Having a go at yourself for not doing it.

•

Finding excuses and justifying why you didn’t do it.

Wow, that’s tiring in itself. When you start to go down that emotional spiral you evoke negative feelings. Your thoughts evoke those horrible feelings; sometimes really harsh feelings. That means now you are listening to the voices in your head. You have also attracted and attached feelings to the situation.

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

Every time you go through that cycle, all these emotions come to the surface which makes it even harder to get into the action. We don’t want to deal with the pain attached to the situation. Events are mutual and thoughts are mutual until we attach emotions, beliefs and a value to them.

One distinct difference between successful people and non successful people is that successful people make quick decisions and go for it.

Are successful people born any differently than you?

Were they in the successful queue when they were waiting to pop out into this world?

Did they go to the successful school? And did you go to the non-successful school?

Let’s cut the crap; they are no different from you. They just simply make decisions in a different way. When you come up with an idea and want to do something about it, your fear of getting it wrong kicks in with all the attached feelings. Our mind will do everything it can to show us how not to make a mistake and why we shouldn’t do it. The truth is that you can also train your mind just in the same way to show you why you should do it and how it can work. Remember, It’s Your Right to Be Wrong and there is always a way to make something happen. Always. Progressively, our minds will continue to work it out and work it out till we find the way, as you are learning here in this book. That’s how we progress! You are afraid of getting it wrong? So what?! When you get it wrong, celebrate getting it wrong. Have a little celebration right now for all the times you got it wrong. Each attempt that you make, even if you get it wrong, will increase the chances of you actually getting it right!

Move out of your head and into action

For example David Copperfield loves having leaks in the build up to his acts because he learns from the leaks. Leaks are good as are making mistakes. Every time you get it wrong, it’s going to increase the chances of you getting it right. Everything happens in the process of doing. Everything happens in the action. Everything happens in the application of action...not in your head. Very few people can actually work everything out in their head and even then they still need to put it out there for something to happen. Whatever it is you have been doing, it’s time to move out of your head and into action. I will say that again. Whatever you have been doing up until now it’s time to move out of your head and into action. Now, when do you want to do that? Let’s think about that. I am still thinking. Here it is; I have the answer: NOW would be a good time! Put your self-empowering beliefs into action and create the beliefs you want. Follow your values, make sure they are in line with who you really are and where you want to go. Remember, It Is Your Right to Be Wrong. Getting it wrong will eventually help you get it right. And then when you do get it right, even then you will still make mistakes and you will get it wrong. That’s what is exciting. The lessons are in the journey and not necessarily in the destination. Don’t get so hung up on the destination. It’s not about the destination; it is about who you become along the journey. Don’t get so hung up on the end result because there is much to be learnt by leaking along the way; there’s much to be learnt by the journey of getting to where you want to go. If you never make a move, if you always stay in your head, how are you going to get there?

How much longer can you make excuses?

How much longer can you stay in your head?

How much longer are you going to carry 1000 kilos in your brain because you are making excuses and lying to yourself.

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

Move out of your head and into action

How much longer?

Now is the time to do it. Write down whatever it is you want to do and go for it. No excuses. Get out of your head and into action. The ego seeks to be right - ever heard that? Now whether this is on a conscious level or subconscious level, I would like you to start counting how many times a day you act or behave in a certain way, or say something because you want to be right. You may even keep a little log and write what the occasion was and why you felt you had to be right.

My version of EGO is Edging Goodwill Out. How many times have the voices in your head said something like; “I knew that would happen. I just knew it would happen”? Or “I knew it wouldn’t work out – I told you so.”? You might also say “I told you so.” With responses like; “No, no, no. I know I am right.” That’s your ego kicking in, saying that “I am here and I am right.” The ego asks; “Doesn’t it feel good to be right?” Well, does it?

Why is this useful? There are so many situations in which we find ourselves responding because we are afraid of appearing wrong. Our automatic response is, “I don’t want to appear wrong, I am being judged.” We respond to it through our behaviour.

Even in a painful situation there is little comfort in knowing you are right. Right? Wrong! As we know; it’s our right to be wrong. The solution to dealing with the ego is going back to the realisation that there is only feedback. Get this notion written in big letters everywhere and repeat it to yourself every day. Incorporate it into your way of thinking, living and actions. Always remind yourself that there is only feedback in any given situation.

When you do this you will be amazed by how many times you actually respond because you want to be right about something.I am not talking about a discussion where you know you are right. I am talking about you not wanting to appear to lose face or the like.

I am going to speak of feedback again, briefly. Now this isn’t the first time I’ve mentioned that there is only feedback; this is the first time I am going to go in to explore the notion. The more I go into this topic the more your ego will be kicking in and those voices in your head will be going crazy. They will be kicking and saying;

In almost everything we do on a daily basis, our ego kicks in and does whatever it can to prove us right. This is because the ego wants to protect us and make us feel right simply because we have attached so much pain to getting it wrong. Writing and keeping a log would be good so just tick or make a quick note every time you do it.

It takes a lot of conscious effort to keep track of yourself. Keeping a log will allow you to create awareness and you will then be in a position to fine-tune and curve your ego’s responses. As a result of fine tuning, your ego’s need to be right or wrong goes out of the window.

That’s because your ego wants to be right and it wants you to feel good. Our ego can end up blocking us, stopping us, and can create avoidance when dealing with matters of pain. Simply ask the voices to be quiet. If you have to, tell them to shut up! I can tell you that my life changed massively when I incorporated into it the concept that there is only feedback.

Needing to be right, as I said, is the ego – the ego seeks to be right. Wayne Dyer, the world-renowned speaker defines the ego as Edging God Out. Coming from an egotistical place and creating the need to appear as if you are always saying and doing the right thing, is an action of the ego.

“Oh my God, that’s ridiculous.” “Of course there is wrong feedback.” “Of course there is bad feedback.”

Was it by chance?

I love to learn and I was open to learn that there is only feedback.

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

Move out of your head and into action

Was it easy?

Do I have to still work on it regularly?

to be right.” Now, because I have worked on it, it simply doesn’t happen.

Of course it wasn’t. Has it become easier with time? Yes it has. Like anything it takes practice and repetition.

Absolutely!

When you are standing alone on a stage in front of Britain’s three most powerful judges on a TV show and booed by 4,000 people; that is feedback! Being aware that “there is only feedback” seriously helped me to deal with that situation because I looked at the audience’s and judges’ reactions only as feedback. Now I can sit in various situations and be open to all kinds of feedback and the only way I actually react is in the way that helps me to grow. I will continuously work on this question: What is the feedback in the

situation?

What’s the lesson?

What’s the A of playing it SMART? What’s the Analysis here?

What can I gain from this situation?

Of course it’s a challenge to do it every single time in every situation. Sometimes the ego just kicks in and makes everything go red and then this is when you have to be stronger than the ego. Let me share something with you. In my experiences there have been situations where I stood there and was screamed at for various reasons. This happened to me while I was a dancer, while I was a bar manager and while working in the corporate and cultural worlds. I had to stand there and make sure the voices in my head were saying one thing: “There is only feedback. There is no right or wrong, unless I attach emotions to the situation, let my ego kick in and let it seek

I have been on the front line with high profile clients when they have dealt with some big business decisions. They are brutal. Have you ever seen something like the Dragon’s Den in the UK? It can look like that a lot. Everybody can appear like a dragon, it can be brutal for people if they don’t remind themselves that there is only feedback. You can only gain from people like the Dragons saying “No” to you. Strange notion isn’t it? Even when you are pitching or describing an idea to some investors and they hate the idea, it can only get better. If you have ever seen The Dragon’s Den, then you would know that they might have even ripped you apart. You can only gain - even if they completely creamed your ideas and slagged you off. Once again, the lesson here is: You can only learn from that. It is probably the best feedback you will ever get. I have a little secret. It is the best way to tame the ego. Are you ready? The secret is to take responsibility for all of your actions. When I say responsibility I mean at the highest level. Leadership at the highest level. It’s owning up and understanding that everything starts and stops with you.

Everything. That’s the R of playing it SMART: Responsibility. That is: understanding and being at cause- and not effect, otherwise known as blaming. Whatever you want to call it, you have a choice. There is only feedback, you could only learn. Four thousand people booing me and on National TV too- that was a good lesson. There is only feedback after all. You can choose to take it personally. You can justify it to yourself till the cows come home. However, there is only feedback. Do you think that developing this mindset takes training and discipline? Absolutely. Is it a daily challenge? Of course it is. There have been times that I have sat there for hours, battling, wanting to react to a situation, having it out with my ego or having to stop myself from reacting. It’s

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

not easy but it’s not hard. It just is. If you do find you are having that type of day, accept that you are having that kind of day. Ride the storms of emotion till you come out of it stronger and better. A good technique is what some people call ‘affirmation’ by repetition; it’s literally talking to your deeper sub-consciousness and saying to yourself; “There is only feedback – there is only feedback.” You are saying this in your mind and you are speaking to your whole neurology, to your whole body – then ask yourself “What am I learning in this situation?” Don’t wait for a reply because your subconscious will teach you the lesson, as will the universe. Do not look for logic in this situation.

Sit back and let the lessons surface.

When emotion is high intellect is low. Ever heard this? I learnt this from Clinton Swaine - when the emotion is high our intellect is low. The meaning is simple: we cannot find logic when our emotions run high! Because our ego is kicking in, and we are reacting from an egotistical state which results in edging goodwill out – our will to do good is being pushed away and clouded by emotion. I can tell you there is always a lesson from any given situation. Whatever shape it comes in, you can always learn. Keep enforcing the notion that there is only feedback. It might take weeks, days, months, or even years. I hope it takes you days. Give it a real go – don’t do it two or three times then let the ego kick in and win. I mean do it, do it, do it. Do it! Just continuously do it. What’s the lesson? There is only feedback. What’s the result? You will come out with clarity and calmness. Problems are here to stay. Challenges are here to stay. Your ego is here to stay. There is only feedback. In other words, what is required is for you to let it be – a bit like the Beatles song, “Let It Be” (and by the way my singing wasn’t the reason I was booed on the TV show!). Whatever the situation, a lot of times we want to make sense of it. Whatever is happening in your life, by accepting the situation by being- simply being, that kicks the ego into touch because there is no right and there is no wrong: there just is.

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What we don’t always realise when we use ‘Why?’ questions is that we are looking for logical answers and if we don’t know what they are, how can we make sense? We know what we know and don’t know what we don’t. Until we learn the lesson, how can we make sense of it? Logic makes us understand; once we have gained the experience or have understood a process, then it makes sense. Once you have understood a situation you can be logical but when we don’t know the answer, how can we be logical about it? Think of the amount of pressure you put on yourself by thinking you have to understand everything the first time and then the frustration when you don’t. The solution is to just let it be. Remember there is no right and no wrong, there just is. Accepting that ‘it just is’ is like sitting there and watching the tide of the sea just go in and out, in and out – of course there is a scientific explanation but it just is. It is just the sea. Looking for logic will confuse you. You will look for the ‘Right’ when asking ‘Why?’ questions – and in a lot of situations it just is... and that is not complicated. Acceptance happens when you let go of all of the ego ingredients. Stop asking why, realise that things simply are as they are. When you start to do that, a lot of the emotional baggage (those five-kilo weights we carry around) just completely disappear. It is like taking a massive emotional dump. The meaning we give to the situation is not necessarily the meaning of the situation. A lot of times what happens when we give it a meaning is that it actually complicates matters because we take it through our belief and value system. Look at someone that has experienced massive pain or has been told they might not live. After going through different stages; of shock, anger, resentment, and hurt, they reach acceptance. That is when they just sit back and realise the situation just is and so make the most of it. They let it be. They understand they have a choice - to live to the maximum for however long they have or start to die while living.

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

Move out of your head and into action

There is calmness and certainty to the understanding of the outcome. A massive understanding of how of precious time is.

much going on in my head, I have got so much going on in my life I haven’t got the time!”

You don’t have to be dying to understand and develop that mindset. Simply accepting every situation for what it is; looking to learn from it and accepting that there is no right/ no wrong, will further remove a lot of emotional baggage.

When all this is going on, are you in the ‘now’? Really present in the moment? In the present? What I would like you to do is sit back right now and write down for the next two minutes how many things you are thinking about at once, and in how many different directions you are being pulled, not to even mention the likes of updating your Facebook status telling everyone what a great book you are reading.

Now I know this sounds a little bit ‘hippy’. You might have an image of the coach with the hat sitting there with his legs crossed and long hair. Not the case! This way of thinking and living works for me, works for people I work with and who experience the seminar It’s Your Right to Be Wrong. You know what? Sometimes life just is – it just is. It’s your ego that wants all this information and wants to give it meaning because it wants to be right. By having the guts to turn up every day and having the guts to put yourself out there gives you more presence and conviction. You are being totally present by being in the moment – not in your head, not making excuses, not letting your ego kick in, not hiding from what it is you need to do, not hiding from those people you are meant to see. This is you just Being; being present. You are in the moment, being here, reading this book, thinking and taking everything on board, being present at your desk, being present with your partner. Simply being and turning up gives you more conviction and clarity. Let go of the notion that you need to be right about anything. Let go of the notion that you can’t get it wrong. If you let go of right or wrong what are you left with? If you let go of ‘I need to get it right’ and you let go of ‘I can’t get it wrong’, what will you be left with?

You will be left with you, a simple being, an infinitely powerful being. Interestingly enough, a lot of us find this the biggest challenge; simply being present. We spend so much of our time in our minds living in the past, thinking of what’s coming next, in the following five minutes, in the next hour, later on in that day, what are we doing this weekend, what are we doing next weekend, who are we meeting, how are we meeting, that the voices kick in “Oh my God! There is so

Look at your list. Are they in the ‘now’?

How many different directions are you being pulled in?

How much energy are you burning?

How many things are popping up in your head?

I am sure you have had infinite things going in your head. What you had to do, what you have done. Here is a thought. When we were born everything was provided for us – this is the concept (once again) I heard from Wayne Dyer. Everything for nine months was provided to us and then when we grew up we were told we had to go out and do things and get things for ourselves. There is nothing wrong with that as such but there is nothing right with that either. We think we have to struggle, fight for everything and as a result develop massive issues around trust, which means we are being guarded. We struggle at being present. It’s a mindset. That moment if I trust then something will go wrong, something will disappear, and something will go missing. Nothing will go missing; you just have to be careful. Who do you trust? If you have trust issues, then it is yourself whom you don’t trust. A lot of the issues around trust occur because we don’t like being present in the moment, we don’t like being present because we don’t trust ourselves to do the “right” thing and there are lots of us who don’t actually like spending time with ourselves. We do everything we can to distract ourselves.

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

Let me ask you a question; if you spoke to your friends like you speak to yourself on a daily basis, would you have any friends? I am serious, would you have any friends? We are so damn nasty to ourselves. We are so rude and judgemental to ourselves, that if we did that to our friends, we would not have any. Yet we do it to ourselves? We are our own worst old enemy – that’s right, we are horrible to ourselves most of the time. Why?

Think about it. We wake up with ourselves and we go to sleep with ourselves. Until you are really nice to yourself, you love yourself and accept yourself; you will not be fully present. You will not be able to show up because no one likes to hang out with someone they don’t like. You put everything into the future; you take yourself back to the pain of the past because it gives you reasons not to spend time with yourself. It gives you a way out, an excuse. It gives you an excuse to stay in your head, not to do things, not to get it wrong, not to take action. There are those kilo weights again we are carrying around needlessly. One of my previous mentors, an amazing guy, called Wolfgang Sonnenberg, someone who was two million pounds in debt, went on to make something like 200 million in two years – one of the most successful people in the Network Marketing industry. He sat me down one day. At the time when I was building the business he said: “Elliot you just have to Be – Be present.” Once he said that, I did my best to come up with excuses. I was justifying and wanting to prove that I was present, which clearly I wasn’t. I was doing my best to demonstrate that I was doing a great job by being present. At that time, I was running for Britain’s Next Top Coach. I was building my coaching business. I was coaching clients. I was presenting a radio show. I was building my team as well for the internet marketing. I was a boyfriend, though not a very good one, and wanted a social life. You can imagine that every time I was doing one activity, my mind drifted to the next action that needed to be done. I was already thinking about the radio show while I was leading team meetings. I was thinking about my next meeting before finishing the current one. Do you get the picture?

Move out of your head and into action

However, all this time there was one thing I never let down - my coaching enterprise! For everything else I did, I had very little energy. Did I mention I was working full time by the way? You can see why Wolfgang pulled me up on the fact that I was never present. In between everything else I was doing, I would be thinking how I needed to promote Britain’s Next Top Coach. I was never in the moment. When we are in a state of stress we go into survival mode and our minds look for short cuts to survive. How does it relate? Well as soon as our brain picks up on a situation that is destructive it looks for the quickest way out, so it distracts us. Sadly my situation was not unique; a lot of people are doing exactly that, dealing with 100 things at once and are never present to deal with one thing at a time. Now, it may not be like that for you, but still I can pretty much guarantee that your mind is continuously thinking of the next action. You are not being present. You are not focusing. But you know what? With me the issue was that I just wasn’t present. After I had the conversation with Wolfgang, I came home and I wrote this blog. A lot of my blogs can be found at www.thecoachwiththehat.com. The reason I am putting it in the book is because it really captured the way I was at the time. It’s all about being present; it’s all about being in the moment. “It’s a strange place to be right now. I had a major breakthrough that week, after sitting with my mentor and I was unblocking some elements that were holding me back. I found that even though I was playing a bigger game, the feedback I was getting was that I was still playing small. Wow! How frustrating. Every time I thought I stepped up a level, the feedback was the same. The feedback came from people who were doing it on a huge level. I found it so frustrating that I wrote it on a block of wood and smashed my fist through it. I now have it hanging out on my wall. I sat with my mentor/coach and he said, ‘Elliot you are outside of things too much. You are leading a team, however, you are removed. You need the courage to Be. Be the amazing coach you are. Be the amazing leader that you are. Be the man

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

of results, be the radio presenter, be the speaker, simply Be, just Be – I will say it again, just Be. How simple is that? Yet it isn’t. I had been in so many minds at the time and I was doing so much that I wasn’t being, I was over there – I wasn’t being, I was over there-ing – purposely spelt in a funny way. My energy was split and divided and there it is! I wasn’t being – we discussed that I was still a “looker-in”, not a “looker-out”, which was holding me back. I was still thinking how lucky I am to have so many amazing people in my life. The difference is I am grateful, not lucky.. I am grateful. Being grateful means being part, being thankful for it. I am on the outside looking in, putting everyone on the pedestal in essence – after all, we are all human. Every day I will get up now, I will say to myself, “ just be” I will say it to myself every time I switch roles and I am doing some different activity, be in the moment, be there, be there. Whatever I am doing, I take a second to be present. I will now turn my phone off. I will close my emails – anything that can distract me from being in that moment. When I need to switch, I switch to who I need to be. Richard Branson does not carry 250 companies in his head. He switches on focusing on one thing at a time and when he is dealing with different things he is simply being. It takes a lot to be in the moment, takes courage, courage to simply be. Ask yourself, are you being or are you doing everything else not to be?” There you have it – that was the blog I wrote after that session with my coach/ mentor at the time. The question is, are you being or are you doing everything not to be? Have a little think or even list everything you use to distract yourself. Look at how many things you do to avoid being present? Now the voices in your head are kicking in, it might sound like ‘oh my god that’s ridiculous, I could not possibly close my emails and I couldn’t possibly turn off my phone. What if something happens?” What if something doesn’t happen? No excuses. It is time you started being present.

Move out of your head and into action

The Key message here:

I want to put this to you: It is time for you to show up; be present all the time and don’t allow your mind to take you out of the game. Deal with the now because it is the now that exists; the past is the past and the future hasn’t happened. Don’t spend time in what hasn’t happened. Deal with what is happening. That is the now and the present.

My question to you is this:

What can you do more in order to be? 77

Cleaning out

Okay, people, I am about to go deep, really deep and really descriptive. I am going to use an example that may shock you. I just wanted to fill you in before you started to read. The lesson at the end is worth it. We all have blocks. Sometimes it appears that you can’t get over certain events/ things/people. And you know what? Sometimes, to clean a wound you have got to get right in there. To deal with whatever it is, you have got to get in there and clean the wound. If you had a physical wound what would you do? You would treat it. How much would you treat it? Just enough for the pain to go away or until it starts to scab over? At what point do you stop cleaning and treating? I am not a doctor. However, logic will tell you that when the wound is cured you can stop cleaning it up, dressing or wearing a plaster. But you know what a lot of people do? They stop cleaning up their wounds too early. They will stop when the pain goes away. They stop cleaning the wounds and then what happens? The wound gets infected and it starts to scab over. This means you risk infection under the skin and that’s not nice. I think you get the picture. The only way to actually clean out any infection is to get in there, take a wet/dripping cotton wool bud full of antiseptic. Wipe away that sticky layer, stick that cotton wool on there and feel the sting. It stings and you have to keep it in on there for a while. Does it hurt? Yep. Do you get these little horrible pulses that feel like heart beats? Yes, it’s a nasty feeling. Eventually there is relief – isn’t there? When all the pus starts to surface and pours out of the wound. There you have it. The infection, the nastiness, starts to come out for the body to do what it does best and heal. For the healing to really be effective, you have to get rid of the layers, you’ve got to get rid of the poisons and build up of toxins.

If it’s left untreated, it could kill you. Even a simple infection, if it spreads, can kill you. I used the above example to get a point across. Because sometimes I wonder why people think it’s any different with our interior wounds? Our emotional wounds.

If there is no difference, why do we use terms like emotional scars?

Now I am just about to throw a spanner in the works. You might feel confused. Ready? ‘Time is a healer’ is the biggest crock of shit. Please excuse my French. Time is a healer is the biggest crock of shit simply because it’s only one half of the saying: Time is a healer when we live with painful experiences and with our wounds. This is a misconception just because time passes. It does not mean we have dealt with the issue. It doesn’t mean we have treated the issue, and it doesn’t mean it’s healed. We have not let go of the issues or learnt our lessons. It just means the pain has faded but the cause is still there. Just like a scab, once the pain goes away, it is left alone. It hasn’t healed. Does this moment smell, sound, or feel like the same situation which caused the pain? The same one that hurt you in the first place? That same poison will awaken and bring that emotional wound right back up to life with all the horrible feelings and associations. What makes the situation worse is that at first you can’t always understand why you are reacting so fiercely, why you are reacting in such a way or why it sends us, in this case, you, into such a bad mood. We spoke about the “why” questions; we don’t know what we don’t know. At that point we don’t know what it is. Because we don’t know the cause or think we have forgotten, we carry on with the same cycle because time is a healer. Not quite. We take a back seat from dealing with the issue and due to a misconception, we think that time is a healer. Time is a healer when you deal with the issue. I am talking about people like you and me. I am talking about the simple solution that if you are gushing blood you will treat it. I am talking of the simple solution that if you fell over and you lost some skin you will put a plaster on it and disinfect it. You would keep treating it.

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

For some crazy reason, because it’s our emotion, we seem to think it is okay. No one can see it, our emotion; therefore I can get away with it. I am a hero. I don’t need any help or support. Time will heal only if you deal with it. An event is neutral until we associate an emotion to an event. Once we have associated emotions to the event, then we have created a wound.

This wound needs to be treated because pain needs to be treated. If you associated negative emotions and outcomes to the event, then it will stop you from creating change, enjoying special moments or taking any action. Your reactions will continue to be out of proportion to the event because you didn’t deal with the event in the first place. Think about it like this; our results in life are created by our behaviours and behaviours are created by our emotional status. How is that going to affect our behaviour? And how will that effect our reaction to a situation? I was working with a client of mine who no matter what she did, she couldn’t get over the death of her father and it was really affecting her relationship with her partner. When she spoke to me about her dad she always spoke about how he was ripped away from her. What she was carrying around was a massive sense of loss and she thought that it would get easier in time. One challenge she faced was that she never dealt with losing her dad. Because the loss was so big to her, every time she thought she might be losing anything that she was emotionally attached to, such as her partner or anyone, she would freak out, have a massive emotional explosion and everything she did was out of proportion to the size of the event. The poison she was still carrying around from the instance of loss would kick in and all her fears would surface. Throughout our work together, we changed her whole approach to the situation. She realised that while he was alive they had a great relationship and that she was so blessed to have had a great relationship with him. She then chose to reattach the new found meaning to her father’s death. She has since changed her whole approach and is still in a happy relationship. She is also much more composed

Cleaning out

when confronted with a situation where she could lose something or someone. I am no relationship coach, but I will bet you your bottom dollar this relates to relationships as it does in pretty much most situations in life. If you have got this patterning and poison around relationships, your pattern is set, or so you might think. The chances are that all your relationships will be painful ones unless you deal with whatever hurt you in the first place. If you have a fear issue or a confidence issue, that will appear everywhere. Your relationships will be tarnished because of fear, or a lack of trust or confidence. This will surface in all types of relationships; not just loving relationships. It will surface in your friendships, working relationships, and business relationships. Whatever the relationships is, it will be affected and even be tarnished because as soon as something smells or feels like that previous situation, poison will kick in and you feel everything you felt that day, the day that wound happened and was not dealt with. All that pain will surface again and you will react in a big way. What will you do? You will do everything to run away from the pain. You will do everything not to feel that you are in the wrong again, to feel the pain, to feel like a failure. On a subconscious level you will mess up and sabotage that relationship or you will mess up that business deal, mess up that pitch. Then you go into judgement mode and come down on yourself! You are just putting more pressure on yourself and punishing yourself more, which is adding more layers of pain. You think it is wrong to feel that way. You have to deal with the cause. There are various people you can go and see – go and see someone that can help you, timeline therapy, neuro-linguistic programming, psychologists, counsellors and The Coach with the Hat definitely will be one of them. Come to the seminar It’s Your Right To Be Wrong. See someone, get in there, find the roots, take that cotton bud, get the courage and stick it in there! Then let the pus come out and deal with the cause of the pus. Deal with the cause of that poison, deal with the cause that is blocking you from having the life you deserve. Will it bring out a whole bunch of horrible feelings? Of course! But once they surface, they can be dealt with. Wouldn’t it be worth it if it meant you became a better person, a stronger person, or a healthier person?

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

At the end of it, isn’t it worth having a healthier lifestyle? Less stress and Illness? Feel more energized, and enjoy better relationships? The vast majority of it is simply pulling off that layer and letting all the crap come out. It will come out by itself and then let the healing process begin because it will happen a lot quicker once the poison is out. Time will only heal wounds that are treated regularly and correctly. Otherwise, just like a clock – it will simply go round in circles. Now, I know I have been talking about wounds and pus which isn’t the nicest metaphor. I really would love to fluff this up and make you feel a little warm inside, maybe even give you a hug and tell you everything is going to be okay. What would be the point of that? You do enough fluffing on your own you don’t need me for that.

Cleaning out

The Key message here:

Only through confrontation will time actually heal the issue. Sitting back and hoping that in time things will get better on their own is simply a myth. Find the courage and confront your fears and find what it is that is causing your blockages. After all, when things are unblocked we find space. Now deal with it.

Attracting the hype

You know it’s a simple notion – what we focus on expands! If you focus on faulting other people, guess what? People will find faults in you. If you focus on talking about other people behind their back, guess what? It will come back at you ten-fold. And just look at the little gossiping, bitching culture that goes around, where everybody likes to find faults in other people. Everybody likes to tell other people what to do, and how to do it better. But where are you doing that yourself?

Why are you not finding your faults?

Or are you using other people’s faults to feel better about yourself?

Where are you finding the faults in yourself and telling yourself that you can do better?

We are all experts in ‘other people’ but where is the expertise for ourselves?

Working with my clients, whatever their professional and emotional level, I work with them on the R of playing it SMART and discuss Responsibility with them. When I talk about responsibility, I talk about leadership at its highest level. It is a simple concept. It all starts and ends with me. Every situation starts and ends with me. It’s understood that every success in my life is because of me. It is because of me and I’m sharing that with the world. The flipside to this is in understanding that everything that didn’t succeed in my life is also because of me. Every relationship, every business venture, every argument, every fight is because of me, every angle of it, every situation that I didn’t succeed in, is because of me.

It is leadership at its highest level. Standing up and taking responsibility for not succeeding, putting your arms up and going: ‘I could have done better, this is where I went wrong, this is what I know about it, this is what I am going to do. That is leadership. At this point your brain is probably doing everything it can to disprove what I just wrote about. Your ego is kicking in right now, those voices in your head are going crazy – they are going to look to disprove things. Can you put your hand on your heart and truly wholeheartedly say you did everything 100% in every situation to make sure it was successful? When it wasn’t, you were the first to say you could have done more? Can you really think that everything you have done, you have been in the right? Can you really truly believe that even things that you think weren’t your fault and you were involved in, you did right? If you have answered yes to these questions then start reading this book from the beginning again! Those voices right now are saying yes, you were right. It wasn’t your fault because we hate being wrong or thinking we were wrong. It’s also a notion that isn’t easy to digest because it means continuously looking at ourselves and assessing our behaviour. Our natural way of looking at things and assessing situations means you are focused on the wrong-doing and not on the lesson! Then when you focus on the wrong-doing you will flip into ‘it wasn’t my fault’ mode. It wasn’t you that didn’t get it right. Because we hate to think we have done wrong. We don’t like to think we could have done better or differently. There is always another level; everybody has another level. Every single person has another level, world-class athletes, world-class footballers, world-class whatever-you-want-to-be has another level - you have another level. I can say this whole heartedly and prove to you that when you understand this notion and implement it into your life things will look and feel different.

Will it happen overnight? No!

Will you take time and continue to work on yourself? Yes. Yes! 85

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

When you get all the lessons from this book, it clicks. This is what you have to look forward to. You will be less angry and stressed out. You will be less tired because of the peaceful notion and understanding that you could always do something about it. Whilst reading this, learn the lesson of responsibility and do something about it. You could always do something to change; there is a lot to be said about people that have the guts to hold out their hands and say, ‘I messed up and I will sort this out’. Talk is cheap, of course. We live in a culture of blamers and people who are afraid to do anything about their lives. It is also a lot easier to sit there and blame. Who do you look to blame? You look at everyone to blame. You want to blame people for the fact that your life is a mess or your business is not succeeding or your relationships fail. Whatever it is, you know what? You can blame the fact that you were born. You can blame the fact that you went to the wrong school, you may also want to blame the Government, Iraq, the Middle-East, the religion you were born into, your housemates, your neighbourhood, your mom, your dad, the fact that you didn’t have a mom or a dad. Guess what? I don’t give a shit. If you are blaming, you are not taking responsibility. Sometimes you might pat yourself on the back because you also seem to think how you have always given your best shot and you have tried, right? Well, there is a saying you have here in the UK: ‘Bollocks’. You had two or three attempts at it and that was it. You gave up! Fact. Because, if you didn’t, why aren’t you where you want to be? I am sure you have justified all this too and I am sure the voices in your head are kicking in right now and yes they are going to say things like, “you know you did everything you could.” I am sure you found some logical explanations as well. You felt you were doing the right thing and did the right thing.

Where is the responsibility in that? Where is the simple notion of whatever it takes to make it happen?

Attracting the hype

I am sure you have given all the reasons that justify your actions and they were logical. You also made many excuses because you thought you were doing the right thing and you hated getting it wrong or because you didn’t want to feel like a failure. None of the successful entrepreneurs got it right on the first go or the second, or some of them even sixth or seventh. But there is something that they fundamentally understood; how to go back, refine and have another go. Successful entrepreneurs understand it is always up to them to make it happen. Just like it’s up to you to change whatever is needed, implement it and put it into action. There is always going to be a possibility of it going wrong and it will, trust me. Learning to take responsibility and turning mistakes into positive actions will put you in the same class as some of the greatest world leaders. If you do what you have always done, you will get what you always got. If you have always been a person that sat and blamed, you will always do that and get no results in your life. Now start looking at what you could do to change it. Start looking at your actions. Start taking responsibility and understand that it all starts and ends with you. Lead the way rather than sitting out, let go of “everyone else is wrong”. Leadership at the highest level is a simple concept. Taking responsibility for what has gone wrong and working on how you can change it to get it right. Taking responsibility, looking and assessing the lessons and how to do it better every single time. Taking action and working out the next level, the next level, the next level, and then the level after that. Simple, isn’t it? Everything you have ever done is taking you to where you are going. It’s all part of the journey. One exercise I do when I start working with clients is to ask them to list the jobs they have ever done starting from their very first one, whatever age that was – 8, 9, or 10. Why do I do that? A lot of the time you are focusing on what you want, you have forgotten what you have done and continue to leave out the most important part; the value that each experience gave you.

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

This exercise will also demonstrate how incredibly resourceful you already are. Every job you have ever done has given you a skill and a lesson that you can use wherever you are going. It has given you an understanding, a concept and, through many times, a way of how to do something. It has given you something you can use. This is what we forget. We place our hope on the next job or the next opportunity, convincing ourselves that it will give us that skill or break we need. To help you find out how resourceful and skilful you already are, I would like you to do this exercise: Make sure you put some time aside for this. You might even need a couple of hours:

Take an A4 sheet and split the page into three:

One column, on the left, write: JOBS

Middle column, write: SKILLS GAINED

Third column write: LEARNED

List all the jobs you have ever done. You might need two or three pages. Then I want you to really think what skills you gained. Once you have done that write what you learned, a minimum of three things each. Do not dismiss a single job or venture you have ever had. I really want you to think about what you learned. For example, when I was at university I worked in the cafeteria where everyone came to get their lunch. I was one of the few students who did that and, of course, I got laughed at. I had to wear a hair net, looking all funny as you do in catering. This is what I learned:

I learned flexibility.

I learned that I could do whatever it takes.

Attracting the hype

I learned how to clean tables, which gave me an understanding of cleanliness and all kinds of lessons which came from that.

I was one of the only students working.

I learned that I could put my pride aside. Now what a great lesson - I could put my pride aside and do whatever it takes. Can you?

By the end, you will have a map of sorts; jobs in one column, skills in the middle column and in the third column, what you have learned. Make sure you bring it with you to the next It’s Your Right To Be Wrong seminar. The next step is for you to think of how you can apply all these amazing skills into whatever you are doing right now. Relationships, businesses, ventures, your current job, whatever it is you are doing. How can you use the skills already gained in your current situation? Once I finish this exercise with my clients, their faces light up when they slowly start recalling and realising how they already have so much to offer and how much they already know. Can I make a suggestion? When you sit down and do this exercise, take all the time you need because what you will get out of this is simply priceless. It will also help you to find out some of your patterns, what you enjoy doing and what you don’t. It will help you find where your strengths and weaknesses are and also your ingrained patterns. You will also notice which one of your skill sets gives you the most joy and which ones are chores. Doing this exercise will allow you to see clearly what you love doing. You might have forgotten about what you love doing and what gave you the most joy. This will give you a clear indication what you could be doing or pursuing right now. Remember to bring it along when you come to It’s Your Right To Be Wrong. Take a seat, sit back, get a cup of tea or coffee and give yourself all the time in the world for this exercise. It is amazing and revolutionary for most people. Put your hat on and take the gloves off because the only way is forward.

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Your Right to be Wrong

The key message here:

Responsibility is key. YOU must take responsibility in everything you do if you are to have the future you truly deserve. YOU have to take responsibility and inject it into all your actions. Become the leader you truly are. You are already resourceful and have simply forgotten about it, so take the time to remember and implement it into your life. NOW. 90

Goals

The next thing I want to discuss with you here is goals. Goals are amazing exercises and form a major part of your Strategy. Setting goals, daily goals, weekly goals, and monthly goals is so important. Everyone could do it. Whatever you do in your life: Set goals! I want to dispel one notion already. You will not achieve all the goals you have set yourself in life, so stop putting all this pressure on yourself. If you set yourself lots of different goals and achieve a minimum of half of them, how amazing would that be? A lot of people don’t because they don’t believe enough in themselves or the goals they are setting. If you do not believe in the goal it will not happen, no matter how much you think about it. It simply will not happen. If you have no emotional bond to the goal or attachment to the journey, then you will not have the drive. To put it simply, it’s not going to happen. 80% of achievement happens because of the belief in the action. Because of the belief in the vision. You believe in the goal so much that you want to cry at the thought of achieving it. Setting goals without belief is like constructing a building without foundations. You can have all the materials you want. However, they will not stick together or they will quickly fall apart. Even if you get going and you start to make progress, something inside you will kick in. Your non-belief, your disempowering beliefs (remember we discussed that earlier), will kick in and these will stop you. Your ego will kick in when the shit hits the fan and you give up because it isn’t worth the pain or the hassle of getting it wrong. It is simple – you have to believe so much in the goals you have set that thinking about them makes you want to cry with joy, that thinking about achieving them makes you so happy; it drives you so beautifully insane. I am serious - crying with joy.

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

Now there are different schools of thought on how to set goals – there is no right or wrong there just is. Find one that works for you and stick to it – have daily goals, weekly, monthly, yearly, and five year and ten year goals. Have your vision, have the mission, and have goals. The clearer you can be about the goals, the better. Have goals but never frame them in the future. Depending on the school you use, do not place goals in the future because they will always stay in the future. Always place goals in the ‘now’ and act as if you have just achieved them. And that does not mean going out and buying a new Rolls-Royce because you have said you wanted to make a million pounds in the next six months! Act as if you are already a millionaire, as if the goal has already happened and then everything around you will start stretching that elastic band to make it from today to when you want to achieve your goal. And if a million pounds is your goal, act as if you have already achieved the million! However, that doesn’t stop you from getting out there and putting everything into place.

Here is a very simple way of goal setting: Insert the date, and always go with the first date that comes to mind because our subconscious knows.

“I am/ I have ...(fill in what you have achieved, written on the day you achieved it or looking back as if you have achieved it for a while)...

End step/ How do you know? – What is the physical proof that you have achieved your goals??

Here is one of mine for an example:

It is the 30/11/2010 I have just released the book It’s Your Right To Be Wrong. I know this because I am holding a physical copy of it in my hand.

Goals

This is a simple formula to set goals and you can use it for your daily, weekly or yearly goals. You can use it for massive, crazy goals (something to do on a regular basis). Remember when you are goal setting even the craziest goals always come from a place of belief. They are crazy because you believe in them so much and no one else does. That is what makes them crazy, not a clap clap happy goal that sounds good and makes you feel good. Not a Hollywood goal. Now you know how to set goals, now what? The next hurdle or challenge that people face besides belief is the planning. A lot of people have goals, yet they have no plan on how to get there. Some goal setting schools have a philosophy where if the ‘why’ is big enough the ‘how’ takes care of itself. In some cases this is true and, I agree, is a beautifully romantic notion. I think that ‘how’ is just as important and certainly helps in terms of measuring your progress and getting you closer to what you want to do or what you want to achieve, including how you want to achieve it. Still have to have a ‘how’ to get there. Many times I speak to people about how they plan for achieving their goals. What is their plan for getting there? What is the strategy? The S of playing it SMART is strategically plan. They don’t know what their response is. “I don’t know and I don’t need to, my goal is big enough.” This school of thinking drives me potty, as we say here in the UK, it drives me potty! There is no right or wrong; that mindset works to a degree. But this is why this mindset drives me potty: 90% of people don’t have the plan – they just have goals. My next question is: Why not?

Why don’t you have a plan?

A lot of the time they come up with reasons that show me they don’t want to get the plan wrong. Or, they think there is a right-or-wrong way to do it. They keep looking for the perfect plan and instead they do nothing. Now, you tell me, what is their next mistake? They do nothing instead!

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

Does that really make sense? Or is that just some kind of inherent false belief, disempowering belief that the goal will just happen, like magic. You have got to do something to make something happen. Now I am well aware that you cannot plan for everything and nor should you. You are going to leave some things to the universe. The universe will conspire anyway to make the goal happen. Have a plan for something that will get you going. There is no right or wrong with planning. There is only doing it. Plan and do, plan and do, plan and do, plan and do! Use it as a checklist, as a measuring tool and always remember it is there to get you closer to your goals. If it doesn’t work out, It’s Your Right To Be Wrong. Learn the lesson and see how you can refine it. It’s so important to have a plan. Have one. At the seminar It’s Your Right To Be Wrong, I talk about this when I go into the SMART format. Really think: what’s your plan to achieve your goals? Here is another reason why people do not succeed with their goals. I will tell you why – it’s because they set Hollywood goals. I am re-using the term Hollywood. People set Hollywood goals because they simply sound and look good – there is no personalisation in the goals. Here is an example – you probably would have heard something like this:

It is this time next year.

I am a millionaire living in a big house with seven dogs and a model girlfriend.

I know this because I believe it will happen.

Goals

goals, only unrealistic timelines. If you genuinely want to be a millionaire, well, give yourself more time. You want a model girlfriend and seven dogs, well, look at your timeframe. Don’t set goals because they sound good. There is no such thing as small goals – only small players. However, if you are writing the goal to sound good or because it strokes your ego, it will not happen because you do not believe in it – you do not have buy in. There are always bigger and bigger goals you can set. It is all in setting them with what’s real to you, being congruent with your values and beliefs and not the big fluffy blockbuster goals. That’s why I used the term ‘Hollywood’. The timeline has to be realistic and it has to push you into action; urgency plays a massive part in your drive forward. People either have really big-time fantasy goals with no belief in them or, they make their goals too easy. And do you know why they do that? Making easy goals are for the ego; by ensuring that you achieve them you get them ‘right’. Could you be doing this? Setting goals to stroke your ego? You do this because you are afraid to get it wrong or you really want to make y ourself feel very, very good. You know you can achieve them. If you have saved up once for a car, you know you can save up again for the same goal: another car. You will feel good because you have just shown that you are an achiever. Absolutely you are! You are stroking your ego; you are holding your ego like a dog in your arms with one arm going “Good Ego, good Ego – good Ego”. If you can save up for a car, could you save up for a really big house or something much bigger than ever before? It’s upping the frequency of your goal that is important. Because all you are doing, which a lot of people do with Hollywood goals, is setting goals you know you can achieve and travelling along the same frequency. You are not upping the game. All you are doing is stroking the dog called Ego... nice Ego, nice Ego, nice Ego!

At this point they get a big clap. Once again, this is what I call a ‘romantic’ Hollywood goals. They are great and fun to set. I have a few in my time for myself. Now part of goal setting is having fun – you have to love and have fun with your goal setting. There has to be a difference between goal setting and a fantasy. Jim Rohn says that there are no unrealistic

Remember there is no right or wrong in goal setting. There is a lot of work to be done to achieve them. Now, stop pleasuring yourself and push yourself. Have pleasure in the push, have pleasure in the achievement. This could be a good time to bring out your goals if you have set them and check to see whether they are Hollywood goals.

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Your Right to be Wrong

Are they genuinely your goals?

Is there urgency in there?

Is there a realist timeline?

Are they an ego goal?

Remember to bring your goals with you to the seminar Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Your Right To Be Wrong, because they will form a big part of the day.

Conclusion

You have read many concepts here. Everything you have read can be applied straight away. Keep this book next to you, keep flicking through it and read it again. This really can transform your life and help you remove a lot of the pain and stress you carry around on a daily bases.

Did you get value?

Was it good or great?

Did it shift your perception?

How different are you going to be as a result of starting to take on some of the principles in this book? How is your life going to be different when you understand there is no right, there is no wrong – there just is? How different is your every day going to be when you can just turn up and be present and be focused on your results, on your success, on simply moving forward in life? But there are a few things I would like you to do for you. Number one: Go to www.thecoachwiththehat.com and register for the newsletter because that’s where I send my tips, my updates, and any upcoming speaking events. Also because - surprise, surprise - there is a seminar, my signature seminar, called It’s Your Right To Be Wrong and that’s where I really go into depth on some of the principles that you have learnt here today. We look at further principles. We go further into the SMART format. We go further into the obstacles that are blocking you from success. Make the changes. Continue to make changes because, like going to the gym you don’t go to the gym and become strong once, you need to keep going again and again, and again, that’s right.

It’s Your Right to be Wrong

So I look forward to meeting you in person. I look forward to seeing you in my seminars. Come and say hello, I would love to meet you face to face. The Coach with the Hat is signing out for now. Remember; when the hat’s on the gloves are off, the only way is forward and because there is always a way! From the bottom of my heart thank you very much for reading It’s Your Right To Be Wrong.

Elliot The Coach with the Hat.

Why it is we FEAR making mistakes? Why does the fear of getting it wrong stop you from moving forwards in life? What would it be like to finally overcome that fear and get more of the things that you want?

If you identify any of these questions, then this is the book for YOU!

The Coach with the Hat, otherwise known as Elliot Kay, is the Number 1 facilitator of the Empowering Coaching System. He has created powerful tools to help you achieve meaningful, lasting results, whatever your objective. A captivating and engaging presence in both his seminars and one to one sessions, The Coach with the Hat has distilled the essence of his highly successful 'It's Your Right to be Wrong' seminars into these pages. Take full advantage of these simple, but very powerful lessons to silence your doubts, focus on your goals and get the results YOU want!

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