uc san diego
volume VI, issue 4, Spring 2013
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Photo: Yahaira Carrillo Julio Salgado
THE COLLECTIVE VOICE
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volume VI, issue 4, Spring 2013
about The fourth issue of the Collective Voice is inspired by Arizona’s prominence in mainstream media regarding its anti-immigration laws (SB 1070) and its recent public bathroom bill that blatantly targets transgender people. Due to the fact that the LGBTQ community, people of color, and marginalized women are subject to more instances of sexual assault on average than any other group, The Collective Voice would also like to recognize April’s Sexual Assault Awareness Month and in-
the
theme:
vite contributors to reflect on their stories, whether it be on sexual assault, gendered issues, or on migration. Recognizing the courage of migration and that challenging gender norms are a part of the resistance to the invalidating efforts of power structures in the US such as Arizona’s state legislature, we invite you to write your story or thoughts. good vibes,
From the students of Collective Collections and Recollections (UCSD SPACES Practicum) “collective collections and recollections seeks to create a space to build a collection of learned lessons, lived realities, forms of resistance, imaginations, and ways of knowings. T hrough gathering and collecting mementos, oral traditions, memories, stories, wisdom, scars, and knowledge, we will examine different mediums of storytelling, relearning and find ways of reconnecting and rebuilding our journey from the past to the present and to the future.”
In this activity, participants were asked to map out their migration stories. Through art, stories of physical and mental migration were told. These maps can be seen throughout the issue. We used art because of its unique form of sotyr telling. We wanted to validate the migrant sotries of struggle that are overshadowed by racist policies. With these pieces we hope to start dialogue about our own storytelling so that it is not erased or fogotten.
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volume VI, issue 4, Spring 2013
Not Me
The Collective Voice's F.A.Q WHEN CAN I SUBMIT MY WRITING/ART/PHOTOS? Email your contribution to us at any time! We will
ANONYMOUS contributing writer
publish it in the upcoming issue. Please refer to our Facebook Page (search for The Collective Voice) for deadlines, so that we have enough items to publish an entire newspaper! If you’re ever unsure about pub-
Not me In the back of my mind, I thrust it into the deepest corners, Thrust, hah such a crude word. It’s an eternity almost to feel as if I can’t escape, It creeps and lingers, Clinging onto me like a veil drenched in fear, If there could be a bottomless pit that I could fall, I’d jump into it and more, To shed this molten nightmare. The haunting shadows, That death won’t liberate me from, This sickening and treacherous, Thing that has destroyed the lamb. My body is just a vessel, Containing my festering soul, Blistering and deteriorating, And it drones on pleading, why me? Not me!
lishing a particular work, send us an email or come talk to us! DO I HAVE TO BE A STAFF MEMBER TO CONTRIBUTE? No way! Any one can send in a contribution: UCSD students, staff, faculty, alumni, community members, and K-14 students. HOW CAN I GET INVOLVED? Email us at cveditors@gmail.com or drop by our staff meetings (Friday 2-3 PM at SPACES). We have staff positions available and are very friendly!
CALL FOR CONTRIBUTIONS! We are looking for articles, poetry, art, and photos for our first Spring Issue! Send contributions to cveditors@gmail.com Facebook: facebook.com/TheCollectiveVoice Twitter: @TCV_SPACES Email us or write on The Collective Voice’s Facebook wall to let us know about your contribution!
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volume VI, issue 4, Spring 2013
Reflections on Masturbation JASMINE WILLIAMS contributing writer I wish my friends and I, specifically women-identified but also trans-identified and gender-non conforming friends, talked about masturbation. But, I mean we hardly EVER talk about sex, most times keeping it theoretical or academic, and its only rare occasions that sex is talked about on a personal experience level. And if that taboo subject of masturbation is brought up, its often contextualized around a guy. Who jacks off. I feel that as a woman I lack a language to even verbalize masturbating the way cis men have the ability to. That shit is structural. I reflect a lot about sexual desire and sexual agency and self pleasure and how much structural silencing and disempowering women, women of color, queer women of color, and trans women of color are forced to experience. Sometimes I am shocked by the realization that for as long as I have known how to masturbate I have known how to deny it/ lie about it/ feel shame for it and even disassociated it from sex, sexual desire, or self-pleasure. I refused to recognize myself as a sexual being. I wonder “Who taught me that?”. I can’t gesture to my family, nor a mother, who was one of the most sexpositive influences I had growing up. Or to a religious upbringing that shamed sexual desire/actions, though I swear to you and this is not a joke I would pray to God to forgive me for masturbating, believing that anything that felt as wonderful as orgasming must be a great sin. Jk, thats pretty laughable. I have even maintained a fairly sex-positive attitude, but one that only existed outwardly. I suppose I learned as I internalized the sexist, racist, heterosexist ideologies perpetuated by patriarchal institutions that deny, silence, marginalize, and oppress women’s, women of color’s, queer women of color's, and trans women of color’s sexuality, such ideologies which have pervaded my understanding of the world at least since I was six years old and my playmate and I rolled down our stockings and underwear to explore our own and one another’s vulvas. I ‘knew’ then that this was “wrong” and it remained a repressed and denied experience for many years. Growing up as a girl of color and then a women of color, but more specifically as a Black mixed women of color, taught me that my sexuality was already marked as deviant, lascivious or hypersexual, and abject. My only way to resist those constructions was to cloak and closet my sexuality. As someone who has only recently in my 20’s begun to both acknowledge, but actually affirm a physical, romantic, and sexual attraction to women, as well as trans and non-gender conforming people, I think back to my first sexual experience with another young girl at 6, and how that site could have been an empowering, female-centric, self-explorative, mutually consenting moment to base a reflection or understanding of my sexuality upon. Instead, as per the homophobic, misogynistic, patriarchal, policing etc, structures in our society, for most of my life this was a perverse and shameful inception to self-pleasure and the potential of queer desire. It’s sad and ironic how I feel shame and regret for the ways I have self-policed and self-silenced and selfshamed my own sexuality (practices, desires, body, etc) and my own sexual identity (attractions, intimacies, etc). These systems of oppression were/are violent enough to have inhibit/ed my own fucking identity development, my way of knowing who I am. I have to remind myself that I was taught these harmful strategies, and most were practiced as a form of survival, and even resistance, albeit a type of resistance that conceded voice and a sense of self-affirming or self-empowerment. And as a friend has said before, I have had to re-imagine desire, and rethink what I have been taught to think. Thinking beyond compulsory heterosexuality, and challenging my own internalized heterosexuality and homophobia. I am still un-learning, and I expect this to be a process. So I’ll keep on trying to initiate those conversations with my women-identified and trans* friends about sex, sexual desire, self-pleasure. And masturbation :) In ending I want to say that attaching my name to this, rather than making it anonymous, is not to exhibit how “down” I am, or to prove my authenticity as an activist via my vulnerability. I hoped for an opportunity to submit to the CV which was centered in a theme close to what I wanted to share. I wanted a platform to share a coming out narrative. I wanted to begin countering the self-silencing practices I have known my whole life. I hoped to bring attention to the very gendered difference in power or access to self-determine and self-affirm one’s sexuality. And I hope everyone reading this, and seeing my name remembers and reflects on the shared experiences, histories, traumas, and struggles around sexuality that have had and will continue to have to remain anonymous. Lastly, I would like to honor all of those who have had and continue to have their sexuality, sexual identity, and gender identity silenced and/or choose silence for survival.
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volume VI, issue 4, Spring 2013
Found Out ANONYMOUS contributing writer Ass in the air
No condom on.
Baby just the tip
Sounds too sweet With those kisses
Between my cheeks. More cars roll by
He ducks his head
And I tuck my feet
Maybe if his homies knew I'd be dodging cum Instead or cars at his place
There's no lights on this hill
But too many white folk are on watch.
You'd think they'd take a break from daytime. I shoulda known better than to return to the same spot.
What are they protecting anyways? All I know is that it ain't for me.
A Mother’s Care ANONYMOUS contributing writer
A voice halts my dreams as dark night grows pale Those shrill, shrieking tones seem too harsh to bear My futile campaign is matched with her glare Amid sharp commands, I helplessly flail Seeking crisp air on that infinite trail I’m barred behind walls of youth’s outgrown lair With heated blood comes a thoughtless prayer That her will should break,
and mine should not fail Turn to cool glass, turn back that ticking hand Unveiling the past parts clouds in our sight Freedom and choice was the price for the planned Young lives she’d ensure were flooded with light New blackness descends, and I understand So we smile, clasp hands, and whisper “goodnight”
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volume VI, issue 4, Spring 2013
UCSD’S Fi Graduate School AN INTERVIEW WITH ANNA LY
Academic Success Co-Coordinator, organizer of SPACES first a What did you have in mind for students to gain from the tour? I was hoping this tour would be a really great way to provide more information on graduate school and the application process. That’s all I really wanted to give the participants. I believe that whether or not they do choose to pursue graduate school or even higher education is their choice. It’s an individual choice, and I just wanted to be able to give people access to knowledge they would not have known otherwise. What made you want to take on this project? For me, personally, I wanted to take on this project because I didn’t know much about graduate school. I just knew I wanted to pursue grad school sometime in the future. Through this eight month long process, I’ve learned so much, not only about graduate school, but also about myself. Now, I can confidently say that I will be applying for grad school in the fall, and I’m very excited for the process! Could you provide a brief overview of the places you went to? On this Graduate School Tour, we visited UCI, the school that hosted the California Forum for Diversity in Graduate Education this year, along with that; we also visited UCLA and USC.
How did you struggle in making this program a reality? This tour took around 8 months to plan, and there definitely have been a lot of struggles along the way. It’s the first EVER Graduate School Tour that this institution I learned about the diffrence between a Master and PhD program and what it means to do a master’s first versus going straight into a PhD. Before, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to grad school, but after the tour, it seems like a goal I can achieve; it is now something attainable” - Monse Palacios, third year “The grad school tour made me realize I wasn’t going to go to grad school. I found out it was very research based and it’s not very viable financially. What people advised me to do was to get real world experience before grad school. People need more diverse experience and I realized I needed to specify my interest more” -Kristian Castro, fifth year
“I realized grad school wasn’t for me. I’m glad I went because it made me realize what grad school really is. The research and time commitment just isn’t for me and I didn’t connect to the fields. I appreciated the tour for the much needed information before making the commitment” -Jereme Umali, fifth year
volume VI, issue 4, Spring 2013
irst Annual Tour by SPACES
annual graduate school tour put on, so we had nothing to work off of. That was really difficult. AND I don’t want to forget to mention, that we’re students too, so finding that balance between work and school was a struggle for me. At first, we didn’t know where we were going to take this tour, and we didn’t have much direction, but with the guidance and support of Chris Murphy, we were able to make this dream a reality!
What types of people participated in the tour? Did any of them decide they wanted to go to grad school after the program? We definitely had a diverse group of people on this tour. Though everyone ranged from first years to fourth years, from engineering and math majors to ethnic studies and psychology majors, we all had a commonality of wanting to learn more about grad school. This tour was just so jam packed with information, and after learning all this information, I’ve had a few participants tell me that they will be applying to grad school in the future, and then I’ve had some tell me that graduate school is just not for them. It just depends on the person, and I support everyone’s decisions. Grad school is a huge investment that requires time, commitment, and money, so I understand that it’s not for everyone right now. What was your favorite part? My favorite part was at the recruitment fair, where I was really able to connect and engage with a lot of the recruiters from the different schools! I was so scared that I wouldn’t be able to speak or hold a conversation with many of them since I was so sick on the tour, but everything worked out perfectly! I think I’ve found my dream school!
I learned that cultivating relationships with femtor(s), communicating needs, and creating support systems are crucial for persisting in graduate school, especially when administration tell you to simply "grow thicker skin" to get by and through academia. - Alina Sau, fourth year
“I think the program helped made me understand grad school in a more practical sense. I now know what I have to do and what it takes to actually apply to grad school. Before I was set on grad school but didn’t know what it entailed. My favorite part of the our was the trip to UCLA because they were very organized and welcoming. They had a whole agenda for us. It was nice to be able to see that there were people who really do care about us going to grad schoo. The panelists were very real and very accessible” -Shelley Kuang, third year
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E.D SANTOS contributing writer my dearest,
Forced to break from production, I hope this letter comes in time to remind you to exhale. My breaths are heavy. I seek to escape myself, but, stifled, I hold still. Shuddering, Shaking, Shifting. Nobody told me all these revolutions would make me dizzy. I spin with more force and determination each stop, but we are slipping. Away. Shooting off into trajectories meant to make us forget; Make us break. Please hold me tightly. Hold me in the inhale and then let me . Hold me tight, and make me exhale, because I don’t know how much longer I can hold these words in. Please listen, I am here with you. I’m here for us. I’m here for myself. Fuck the movement if I am not allowed to gasp for breath. Rising from this salty ocean, push me up, ashore. Assure there is breah. Steadfast, hold my lips in yours. Let go only when our hearts can touch. No this is not sexual, this is safety. Give me the bravery of your touch to know I am real. Awakened by hurt, I call your name to know love. The kind of love that does not need pain to know existence. I await for your exhale. In the depths of these shadows, I wait. Near these crashing waves, I wait. Dizzy, I still wait. I am not light, I am not dry, I am not stable; I am just here to remind you to breathe.
The WASP ’s Ne s t IBRAHIM contributing writer
This poem is a response to unwarranted backlash, often perpetrated by privileged white Americans, against Arab Americans and other people of color after the Boston Marathon tragedy of April 22, 2013. The poem envisions the law (nature) and the legal process (the bear) as protection against discrimination and harassment (the wasp sting) from affluent whites (White Anglo-Saxon Protestants or wasps). Written April 24, 2013.
I walked right by a nest of wasps Not thinking they would sting— To my surprise They stung my eyes And caused some allergies. I wept—for yes— Undue distress Had just been thrust on me. A neighbor came And saw my pain And put my mind at ease. “Fear not, young man. You’re not alone, For nature hears your cry. A wasp may sting— Cause injury— But here you have allies.”
Right then I saw A pair of paws, And with them claws and teeth. I waved the bear— “Right over there!”— He climbed into the tree. With haste, a waste The bear did make Of wasps with bitter stings— No more would I Be caught surprised By White A-Saxon P’s.
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CINDY ROMERO
Knowledge
contributing writer An educated Latina is what you’d consider a Latina in an institute of higher learning. Someone who is knowledgeable on the great literature and art, in formulas and numbers. On the science of the world. But,
Can a Latina be educated if she does not take in the world? If she does not learn the love from children or the joy of a smile? If she does not take in the vibrant colors of a folkloric skirt, swirling to create a whirlwind of color? Or the fragrance of a flower, stretching its petals high into the sky, releasing its aroma for those who wander by? Can a Latina be educated if she does not experience pain? The sting of her corazón, parting in two, as she learns the evils of the world? Of the famine from children in war-stricken countries or even the pangs from the children in her own corrupted, greed-driven country? Of her compañeras struggling to achieve this so-called equality in a patriarchal world?
Can a Latina be educated if she does not experience sacrifice? Sacrifice of her womb to pursue a career. Sacrifice of male-imposed traditions to establish her own culture as a powerful mujer. The sacrifice of her ears as words fall from the mouths of her oppressors, attempting to convince her that she is nothing more than brown. Than the color of her skin. Nothing more than the tongue in her mouth shaping foreign shapes and sounds to the oppressor’s ears. No.
A Latina cannot be educated unless she is learned in all things of the corazón. Of pain. Of hurt. Of love. Of joy. A Latina cannot be learned unless she is free from the resentment in her heart; until she learns to love those who hurt her. Until she takes in the colors of the world, traveling far and wide bringing light to a much-needed place. Until she returns to her community with open arms; open arms for those who are hurting for those who need the guidance of a female; for those that simply need the comfort of those open arms. A Latina cannot be educated until she learns that she cannot be educated. That there never can be a limit for knowledge; that to learn is to live, and to live is to learn. That life is a tumultuous journey. One full of love; one full of hurt. One full of growth; and one full of stillness.
A Latina can never be educated. For the idea of her being educated means the possibility of the end of her education. Knowledge is life. For a Latina there can be no end; no end to life. For she is in all the things she knows and all the things she does not know. She is present in the elements, in the fixtures of the world, and in the very books she reads. A Latina is ever-learning, ever-changing. For when the search for knowledge is sparked, the thirst can never be quenched.
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volume VI, issue 4, Spring 2013
The Natu re of Evil ANONYMOUS contributing writer
Waiting In the shroud of Shadows. Gold eyes fixate on A gap in the fronds. Lungs heave, And heart pounds yet the creature stays Motionless. Patient. Silent. One with the Darkness. Sensing
A trace of life.
Ears catch hooves tapping. Nose scents musk of dirt and bark. Eyes view a sleek russet coat. Tongue dribbles with desire. Muscles creep sinuously Through the brush. One with the Darkness. Leaping
Into blazing light. Claws dig into steaming Flesh. Fear taints the air. Stillness. Fighting. Thrashing. Scarlet rains from ivory knives. Sated, the beast retreats. One with the Darkness.
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volume VI, issue 4, Spring 2013
The Revolution begins at home
It’s about the pleasure, baby
E.D SANTOS contributing writer
Let me say it to ya straight, Dick. I mean, its the only way you CHOOSE to understand. I c u. I cant say i know you. I cant say how you choose to know. But i see you. I see you because ive felt you. tumbling, turning, hurting. u say u want to feel me, too. inside. and i cringe. and go hard get hard play hard. they act like im a glove but they forget i bleed. i guess they think im not meant to bleed. but its all routine, any-
ways. muscles relax. melt into the back seat. we take off our shirts to feel, your chest touching my chest. glide until our stomachs are flat. on each other. sink in into each other, out of the Other. into blind kisses under cloudless nights. “baby its ok. baby just a little more. baby ill go slower. baby... baby...”
Here. Allow me to repeat myself. Imma tell it to ya straight, Dick. I mean, its the only way
Sueños en una taza de cafe En una taza de cafe te pienso
Mis emociones nadando en un enterno mar de granos
Mis pensamientos enrollados en una conversacion con mi misma Aqui me siento en paz, aqui me siento infinita
you CHOOSE to understand. I c u. I cant say i know you. I cant say how you choose to know. But i see you. I see you because u dont see me. Close your vision, o f f t o me. Stare at me in passing, but u cant hide from me in the bathroom. Close ur eyes by looking str8 away. in the glance, i caught u. cringing. this mascara, doesnt make-up, what i bleed.
but its all routine anyways. you walk in, you walk out. you walk around. you gaze around. well, “touch this skin, honey, touch all this skin, u just cant handle it. ur just an overgrown” dick- flat. blind. plz, dont even play. “baby its ok.
...baby, baby..., AYO BABY...”
Let’s decolonize desire playful imaginations. do they excite you? get a taste of my chaos. lick it good. bottom bot toping to the top from the bottom at the top but here is the real question: will your sweat smear my mascara? or my blood? or my sweat?"
RANDOM
JAMES RUSSEL
contributing writer No one understands that I’m not just a variety. Get with the times, man Go with the flow. It’s like Everyone is against me. Ready to move on. Something new. Can I be Taken away On the wind? No one is without judgment. Guilty. Unanimous. End up in prison, but My prison is my mind, so You can’t contain me. All are free. None are free. Unanimous. So it goes.
volume VI, issue 4, Spring 2013
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CO-EDITORS IN CHIEF
y t i n u m m o c flyers
Selina Mahesri Jennifer Velez
CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Cindy Romero E.D Santos Ibrahim James Russel Jasmine Williams
ARTISTS Students of Collective Collections & Recollections JulioSalgado Yahaira Carrillo
PHOTOGRAPHERS SPACES
10 Point Platform
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We want freedom
We want social unity and equality for all people on campus
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We want to promote social awareness and combat social ignorance
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We want to unite student activists and students with progressive values and common struggles
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We want to educate others about ourstories and our true role in present-day society
The Collective Voice is a student-run, student-initiated publication of UCSD’s SPACES, the Student Promoted Access Center for Education and Service. The mission of the Student Promoted Access Center for Education and Service (SPACES) is to act as an empowering dynamic on campus where UCSD students collaborate to achieve greater educational equity. This encompasses equal access to higher education, undergraduate retention and graduation, and matriculation to graduate and professional schools. SPACES values the power of student-initiated action and organizing by providing an environment for student growth and development and thus is a foundation to create leadership and unity through community engagement. In line with SPACES’ mission of valuing “the power of student-initiated action,” “proving an environment for student growth and development,” and creating “unity through community engagement,” The Collective Voice is UCSD’s progressive newspaper that promotes social unity, justice and awareness across the many communities that exist on the UCSD campus. The Collective Voice will help create a sense of safe space and commu-
nity for students who may otherwise feel unwelcome at UCSD’s challenging campus climate thereby contributing to existing retention efforts of campus. This newspaper deeply values students’ voices by providing an outlet for open dialogue and discussion surrounding issues and developments affecting their communities. Additionally, The Collective Voice allows UCSD’s progressive community to outreach, collaborate and communicate to the greater San Diego communities outside of our campus. Most importantly, The Collective Voice, provides marginalized students and underresourced students the empowering opportunity to protect the representation of their identities and beliefs, and report alternative news that is not otherwise covered by mainstream media. The Collective Voice, in partnership with SPACES, allows for the creation of “an empowering dynamic where UCSD students collaborate to achieve greater educational equity.” It is through this mission that the collective of diverse voices in one newspaper will actively demonstrate an empowering progressive community on the UCSD campus.
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We want educational equity and to empower under resourced communities
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We want to fight the rhetoric propagated by oppressive forces on campus
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We want our beliefs, practices, and ethics to be illustrated in a correct light
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We want peace. The ability to coexist on campus without fear of prejudice or persecution
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We want to be recognized as equal individuals despite and because of our ethnicity, religious affiliation, race, gender, or sexual orientation c v e d i to r s @ g m a i l . c o m