everything is fine

BOUNDARIES. WHAT EVEN ARE THEY?

BY VERUCA SALTY

Boundaries - What even are they?

We’ve all heard the word, we’ve likely all been told to respect them and/or not cross them. But what even are boundaries? Well, I’d like to tell you. But first I’d like to suggest a drinking game where you have to drink every time I use the word “boundary/boundaries” in this article.

Anyway, there are few different types of boundaries (DRINK!): porous, rigid and healthy. Porous is exactly what it sounds like; boundaries with holes in them, loopholes and wiggle room for people to push against your boundary until you eventually cave. Rigid boundaries are stiff and unwavering (equally unhealthy as porous ones). And healthy boundaries lie somewhere in between (elusive to me as of yet). Unfortunately for me, I mostly just fluctuate between the two extremes, porous and rigid. I’m super cool, easy breezy covergirl, it’s all good…..until it isn’t…..and then suddenly my boundaries are a stone wall and you’re never getting through them. I have this frustrating need for love and acceptance, usually at the cost of my own well-being (aka people pleasing), and that causes me to have soft boundaries. I just want to feel loved and needed and I will bend over backwards for you until my spine cracks. But the thing is, once my spine cracks… and it always does, I get unreasonably mad and resentful. I can suddenly see in crystal clarity all of the boundaries you’ve crossed and undermined and ignored and bulldozed through and I’m LIVID. It’s not like I keep tallies of all the boundary crossing… I mean, that would be weird. It just all comes into focus and I realize where I’ve been too flexible and too soft with my boundaries, and then I get pissed (often at myself as well for not maintaining the boundary). That’s when the rigid boundaries pop up. It’s a really sad attempt at regaining some kind of control in my life and unfortunately it has worked in the past, so now it’s a bad habit that I am constantly working on breaking. Also, I just learned this little tid-bit of info - complaining is actually a symptom of having poor boundaries. DAMN IT. I complain ALL THE TIME. About ALL THE THINGS. So, what science and psychology are saying is that if I had healthier boundaries I wouldn’t have to bitch and moan about every little thing so much. I guess that makes sense, but who even am I without my bitching and moaning? Complaining has become part of my core identity at this point. I once knew someone who did a 30 day “no complaining” fast. Kudos to them but count me out. I would fail immediately by complaining about how much I miss complaining.

Honestly, I don’t have a lot of suggestions on how to solve unhealthy boundaries; I’m mostly just here to rant and hopefully connect with other imperfect humans. Boundaries are hard. Like, real hard. We (especially women) are taught at such a young age to stay small and be “nice” and to not make other people uncomfortable. All the while making ourselves uncomfortable and crossing our OWN damn boundaries. Sigh. All I know is that I’m to a point in my life where I need more peace and less stress, guilt, shame, etc. for doing what I want and need in life to be healthy. I’m getting much better at honoring my own boundaries and saying no even when I know it will upset people. The most important takeaway from all of this is to remember that if your boundary upsets someone else, that’s a them problem, not a you problem. You don’t need approval or validation from anyone but yourself when setting a boundary. And you will almost always know in your heart when it’s a “yes” or when it’s a “fuck no.” If it’s a “fuck no,” that’s great! Say that. If it’s a yes, just make sure it’s not a yes because you’re wanting something unspoken in return. That’s not a real yes, that’s a “yes, but,” and that’s another topic for another time.

Now, go forth and set those healthy boundaries. And don’t cave when there’s pushback; because there will always be pushback - especially from people who aren’t used to respecting boundaries. My rigid boundary self would like to recommend that you just cut all those pushback bitches out of your life immediately, but I wouldn’t trust them if I was you. I still haven’t quite found my healthy medium. Do as I say, not as I do.

And if you’ve taken me up on the drinking game, I would like to apologize to your liver. Good luck out there friends. C