sex toy patents

devices for promoting marital accord

sex-toy patent illustrations

by ron evans

I’m a sucker for patent illustrations. Blueprints, minute calculations and exploded diagrams with architect-like thoroughness and precision. These are truly under-appreciated works of art all on their own but I especially love a quirky invention to go along with it. Sure, an early typewriter is an elegant and complex piece of machinery that demands and deserves its own set of hand drawn blueprints. But a detailed chart of an automatic back-scratching apparatus from 1905 is even more fun. The notion of something a bit silly being paid the same amount of detail as any ‘true’ innovation of modern technology is something I find deeply enjoyable. Enter: Sex Toy Patents.

I could have worded that a number of ways. I chose that way.

Now, historians debate as to when sex toys were first invented proper, but let’s be honest - cave people were likely shoving things into other things as soon as they discovered that sex could be at least somewhat simulated. While there are enduring tales of Cleopatra wanking it with a gourd filled with angry bees - aka the first vibrator - sadly there’s no evidence this ever happened. Clever idea though right? Although, PETA might have something to say about it. Still, by the time of the Great Pyramids, sex toys were certainly a thing. But it wasn’t until 1790 that our increasingly competitive modern trade and commerce world decided it needed a Patent Office. The very first recorded patent was a fairly mundane one, issued to Samuel Hopkins for a method of producing potash (potassium carbonate).

Thus, an entire subgenre of art was born. We all know that quite a few famous artists made a living doing “grunt” work before making it on their own merit. Frank Frazetta ghost-inked several syndicated cartoon strips. Before becoming the ‘Painter of Light’, Thomas Kinkade painted backgrounds to low-budget sci-fi and fantasy animations like Ralph Bakshi’s (Fritz The Cat, American Pop) Fire And Ice. God knows how many famous illustrators or architects were side-hustling in the patent illustration racket.

Anyway, that’s enough rambling. I now present to you some selections from the patent archives of inventions that were initially touted as ‘devices to promote marital accord.’ I almost included the description for each device but, not only is it funnier without them, I trust you will do just fine on the guessing. And while...I know this article will have a few pickup locations tucking their stacks of Comet magazines under the counter, we as a society have clearly come a long way.

I could have worded that a number of ways. I chose that way. C