withinder

withinder:dating bios for the self-aware

Real locals sharing their real dating bio. We think it will be...illuminating.

Holly, 25

Hey! Looking for a fun-loving, familyoriented girl that works hard and plays harder? Then move the fuck on. Don’t get me wrong, I’m great. But not in those ways. I am very funny – but I am also very aware of how funny I am which kind of ruins the whole vibe. I am not bad looking and I will oscillate rapidly and without warning between thinking I’m hot shit and having the self-esteem of a fat, acne-riddled middle schooler. Fun fact: I was a fat, acne-riddled middle schooler. But damn, I’m funny. That might be why. I’m like, super chill, and fun to be around, except for when I’m not. I say I’m really laid back, but in reality I am an anxietyriddled, rage-filled weirdo with no social skills. There are rumors that I am actually just three raccoons stacked on top of each other in a trench coat.

I like cooking, going to the movies and camping. I will plan all of our dates, because I don’t think you will do it correctly, however I will complain that you never do it. The same goes for doing the dishes. Additionally, once we move in together, I will get mad at you for not paying enough attention to me. I will also get mad at you for not giving me space. There will be no way of distinguishing which I want or why I am mad. I will tell you that I am not jealous, but rest assured I am. I also have like, major trust issues, but I will not address them. I spook easily, and if I decide to pull the plug on our relationship, I will ghost you as though I got Thanos-snapped out of existence. sive aggressive. Despite being incredibly self-obsessed, I would never date someone like me and find it suspicious that you would.

If you’re well-rounded and likeable, that’s a hard pass. I like people who are “projects,” because they make me feel better about myself. However, I am also notorious for starting projects, never finishing them and then moving on. So, you might end up worse than you started, but that’s a you problem.

If you are a risk-taker who loves adventure, I might be the one for you. I draw my mood out of a hat every morning and nothing you do or don’t do will change it. Hang on, it’s a bumpy ride.

Ready to stick your dick in crazy? Hit me up.

Jason, 38

Hi, I’m Jason. If you like fun, adventure, feeling stupid, and indecision, then I’m the man you’ve been looking for. I’m good looking and good in bed but that doesn’t make up for my deep-seated insecurities or tendency to let people walk all over me. I’m a lonely kid who grew up in Rock Island and will gladly sacrifice my own happiness to make you like me. Do you like people who have strong opinions? Then you better move on because I live in the gray. Like an octopus, I’ll bend and contort myself to fit the image of what I think you think you want me to be, usually at the cost of my own comfort. As soon as you start to see through my masks I’ll just make you feel stupid with my impressive intellect. It’s a great self defense mechanism and sometimes you don’t even know I’m doing it! The worst part about me is that I truly just want to connect with someone authentically but have so many crippling personality faults that they preclude me from ever being real. Of course, you won’t realize this until it’s too late because I’m charming as fuck. I’m really good at distracting people from these sad truths because I’m hilarious and use humor, often inappropriately, to deflect from feeling actual feelings. I like magic tricks, Star Wars, true crime podcasts, and pretty much everything else that screams “you’ll die alone.” For a good time that will end badly, give me a call.

Kate, 41

I would rather call my height 5’3, and not 5’2.75. Would rather say my hair is naturally silver and not white, tell you that I come from a long line of well-adjusted geniuses, chose not to have children, might look a tad frail but am in perfect health, am calm and relaxed almost all of the time. Would rather call myself easygoing, make you think I eat burgers every week with no qualms, am an excellent driver (stick, of course) and that I’m generally happy.

The picture I’d rather paint, however, has gotten me nowhere fast in loveland. An unvarnished account is the only route I haven’t yet taken.

Here’s that version:

I’m almost 42 years old. I’ll be divorced in a year. If I got pregnant, I’d be high-risk for three solid reasons. I have bad feet and vision. I don’t drive or fit in or do small talk or office jobs. Hip openers make me ugly cry. I get overwhelmed, bored, and irritated easily. I don’t like wool or tags that touch my skin. A pebble in my shoe on a walk is my nightmare. I will never think raccoons are cute. I take things personally. I got hepatitis B through unknown circumstances. I want to believe I contracted it from a blood transfusion at birth and not through sex, but I’ll never know for sure. I had a wild phase in my twenties involving promiscuity and heavy drinking but no drugs. I’m addicted to anything that gives me the sense that everything will be ok --- ‘everything’ including me. I take pains to present myself as Virgoan, but I’m a true Aries/Pisces-- either a flaming torch or a wet rag on the floor. I have insomnia. My worry creates a cloud of self-consciousness that can be sniffed out by anyone within a mile radius. I’ve become so used to the smell that I don’t notice it, which makes everything worse.

I don’t have a warm family system. Instead of thick, healthy coils that weave in and out of each other to form a stable foundation, my roots are a tangled bed of dried cappellini that you have to tiptoe around to avoid crushing. Without a sense of possibility and dreams, I wilt. I find four walls stifling, but too much vastness gives me anxiety.

I’m not easily satisfied. I rarely feel content.

Oh, and: I’m passionate and playful. I love candles (but can’t drink wine by candlelight (or any other kind of light) or I’d burn the house down).

Going to the movies with me is a rare treat. When the conditions are right, I get more joy from life than anyone. I would do anything for my sisters. I notice things. When I am an asshole, I apologize.

I appreciate beauty. I am willing to recover. I am brave.