TUESDAY APRIL 1, 2014 VOLUME 120 ISSUE 107 Trolling The University of Alaba Alabama ba ama a since a really long time
NEWS | SGA
A potted plant takes office after disqualifications Write-in W rite-in candidate wins violations after election viola By John Brinkerhoff | Demagogue-i Demagogue-in-Chief
Photo Illustration CW File Following a pair Derp de derp derpof election violations for the leading candidates, write-in candidate A Potted Plant takes office as Vice President for Student Affairs.
TODAYAS A SQUIRREL Wake up call WHAT: Fall out of tree WHEN: 9 a.m. WHERE: The Quad
CW | Austin Bigoney
In a stunning decision, the University U of Alabama Student Gov Government Association Elections Boar Board issued a statement that it has disqualified dis Elliot Spillers and Stephen Keller, the only two candidates on the ballot for the position of Vice President for Student Affairs, following widespread allegations of election violations. This ruling clears the way for writein candidate “a potted plant” to assume office. A potted plant finished third in the campuswide election for the position, narrowly beating out candidates “Anyone Else,” “MetLife Blimp” and Allison Montgomery for the position. Keller’s charges stemmed from a recording of him admitting to passing out fliers on election day and not reporting a $2.73 cost on his
financial disclosure forms. Spillers was never formally accused during the election. However, the Elections Board disqualified him on charges of “not just sucking it up like an independent candidate should.” “Whether it is pursuing a charge of financial fraud or simply ensuring that a big baby doesn’t take office, the Elections Board has always been known for never backing down, enforcing its own rules relentlessly and publicly standing by its decisions from the moment they are made. That reputation will not change under my watch,” Elections Board spokesperson Kourtney Fort-Knox said. Keller, who did not respond to The Crimson White for comment, was later caught on another recording stating, “I don’t understand. I am supposed to win. I’m Old Row.” Hamilton Bloom, the incoming SGA President, said he looked forward to SEE SGA PAGE 2
NEWS | ADMINISTRATION
Campus critters spy on students Email reveals quad squirrels working with administration By Mark Hammontree | Major Hater, Math Minor
Daily grind WHAT: Report for duty WHEN: 10 a.m. WHERE: Rose Administration Building
Creepin’ WHAT: Follow unsuspecting student WHEN: 11 a.m. WHERE: Denny Chimes
Nap time WHAT: Afternoon snooze on tree branch WHEN: 2 p.m. WHERE: Under Quad Tree
An email obtained by The Crimson White from University of Alabama President Judy Bonner has led to allegations that the UA administration has been using the squirrels that inhabit the Quad to monitor students and campus activities. In a leaked email to members on the Board of Trustees covering various topics, including Bonner’s recent work with Bill Cosby and other celebrities, Bonner alluded to a secret program involving the Quad’s bushy-tailed inhabitants. “I’m pleased to say the squirrel initiative is going well,” Bonner’s email read. “I don’t need to tell you all how important it is to have extra eyes and ears on the ground.” While the email did not include any further specific mentions of the “squirrel
CW | Photo by Austin Bigoney, Photo Illustration by Belle Newby Agent Bushtail lurks behind an oak tree on the Quad while creeping on unsuspecting students at The University of Alabama.
SEE SQUIRRELS PAGE 2
SPORTS | BASEBALL
Gimme the loot
Full bar coming to right-field section
Get off my lawn
By Charlie Potter | The Sultan of Swat, The King of Crash
Quittin’ time WHAT: Clock out WHEN: 6 p.m. WHERE: Rose Administration Building
Because of a recent rise in attendance at Alabama baseball games, Sewell-Thomas Stadium’s right-field plaza will receive a new addition. A source confirmed that a fully stocked bar will make its way to the top of the right-field seating area for the remainder of the 2014 season, despite it being against NCAA rules and regulations. The plaza, which already allows fans to consume alcohol as long as it is dispensed in a cup, will now provide the cups and
INSIDE
today’s paper Briefs Opinions Culture
2 4 11
Sports Puzzles Classifieds
14 17 17
WEATHER
WHAT: Throw nuts at passersby WHEN: 4 p.m. WHERE: Quad Tree
today Tuesday
Volcano 1,500º/75º
beverages for Crimson Tide baseball fans. The addition will likely draw even more people to watch baseball games, even with the seating area reaching full capacity on a regular basis. But the Alabama coaches and players are fine with more fans at games. “The atmosphere at the games has been better than ever,” Alabama coach Mitch Gaspard said. “I don’t know if they put something in the water out there or what, but whatever it is, it’s working in our favor.” Admission is still free to fans, and the drinks will reportedly be sold at a “reasonable” price. The cheap drinks will also be available in a vast variety. Whether it be a mixed drink
or a locally brewed beer, the new outfield bar will be as stocked as most of the bars on the Strip. “Oh, that’s really cool, bro,” Keith Shottaker, a junior majoring in binge drinking, said. “Now we can pregame even harder before going out on the weekends.” The new bar also calls for a team of mixologists who are willing to work weekends and occasional midweek series. Local barkeep Bart Ender will head the job search to find four other mixologists to work the baseball games off tips alone. Applications will be accepted at the box office inside Coleman Coliseum.
April Fools’ Day, April 1, is traditionally a day for jokes and light-hearted humor nationwide. As a student newspaper, the editors of The Crimson White chose to partake in this annual event of practical jokes with a special edition. The editorial content in this edition of The Crimson White is satirical and not intended to be taken as truth. The Crimson White intends no offense or harm with any of the content.
SEE BASEBALL PAGE 2
CONTACT
Sewell-Thomas Stadium to serve drinks to baseball fans
DISCLAIMER
WHAT: Steal frisbee WHEN: 3 p.m. WHERE: The Quad
editor@cw.ua.edu
website cw.ua.edu
CAMPUSBRIEFS
Tuesday April 1, 2014
p.2
Student exhausts Dining Dollars
SCENEON CAMPUS
By Katherine Owen | Fatarm Kat After spending with what friends and co-workers have called “wild abandon,” a senior journalism student has perished upon running out of Dining Dollars in record time. The University of Alabama mourns the loss of the undergraduate student, who used all allotted $300 before spring break, an increasing peril many students at the University are facing. Co-workers said in her final weeks, the student became increasingly irresponsible with the alternative form of payment, commonly used at local establishments such as Domino’s Pizza or Buffalo Phil’s. Long-time bestie, senior UA student Mari Nara, reported that she “can’t even” and “would never be able to even” after the loss. “She was ordering all the time,” Nara said. “Pizza for breakfast. Pizza for lunch. Sadness for dinner. “Once she found out the Skyland Domino’s also took Dining Dollars, that was it. She was out of control.” The student frequented Domino’s, ordering up to four or five times per week, coworkers said. Just last week, the student was reported to have ordered a $17 flatbread creation. The student lived for several days after running out of Dining Dollars before the inability to purchase vending machine foods or Domino’s overwhelmed her ability – and will – to survive. “We should’ve stopped her, said something, maybe stolen her ACT card,” Nara said. Increasingly, students are running out of Dining Dollars in record time as they progress through college, according to a recent study by the University Association of Something Scientific Research and Stuff. By the time students are seniors, they face limited self-control with Dining Dollars. The underclassmen’s restraint has been largely attributed to their persistent mass confusion concerning the multiple alternative forms of payment at the University. “Wait, what is even going on here?” one freshman reported. “Are we talking about Dining Cash?” In turn, the significant underclassmen confusion between the various forms of payment has led to increased, but failed, advertising of the difference in Bama Cash and Dining Dollars, leading to a suspected eventual dependence on Dining Dollars by upperclassmen. A memorial will be held at St. Domino’s Church of Crust. Donations can be sent to the Augustus Gloop Foundation for Kids Who Like Pizza.
P.O. Box 870170 Tuscaloosa, AL 35487 Newsroom: 348-6144 | Fax: 348-8036 Advertising: 348-7845 Classifieds: 348-7355
EDITORIAL
Photo Courtesy of Judy Bonner UA President Judy Bonner hangs with her BFF Bill Cosby at an afternoon tea sesh at the President’s Mansion.
WEDNESDAY WHAT: Ignore weather app notifications WHEN: All day, every day WHERE: Everywhere
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF JUDY BONNER
WHAT: Wave to my minions WHEN: 1 p.m. WHERE: Rose Administration Building steps
TODAY
WHAT: Listen to “Frozen” soundtrack WHEN: 3:17 p.m. WHERE: Secretly in Arendale
WHAT: ‘Presidential drive to campus WHEN: 9 a.m. WHERE: The University of Alabama WHAT: Call Bill Cosby WHEN: 2 p.m. WHERE: Presidential Mansion
Mazie Bryant editor@cw.ua.edu
Squirrels may know how to observe, report students
Anna
Lauren Ferguson
SQUIRRELS FROM PAGE 1
Olaf
Katherine Owen
Queen of Arendelle
Elsa the Snow Queen King of Arendelle Oaken Marshmallow Kristoff The Duke of Weselton Pabbie
Anna Waters Mackenzie Brown Mark Hammontree Abbey Crain Charlie Potter John Brinkerhoff Christopher Edmunds
Sven
Daniel Roth
Hans
Austin Bigoney
Bulda
Sloane Arogeti
Kai and Gerda
Elizabeth Lowder Lauren Robertson
ADVERTISING advertising manager
territory manager
special projects manager
special projects account executive creative services manager
account executives
Tori Hall 251.751.1781 cwadmanager@gmail.com Chloe Ledet 205.886.3512 territorymanager1@gmail.com Taylor Shutt 904.504.3306 osmspecialprojects@gmail.com Kristen Morrow 205.873.2190 osmspecialprojects92@gmail.com Hillary McDaniel 334.315.6068 Ali Lemmond William Whitlock Kathryn Tanner Camille Dishongh Keenan Madden Julia Kate Mace Katie Schlumper
The Crimson White is the community newspaper of The University of Alabama. The Crimson White is an editorially free newspaper produced by students.The University of Alabama cannot influence editorial decisions and editorial opinions are those of the editorial board and do not represent the official opinions of the University. Advertising offices of The Crimson White are in room 1014, Student Media Building, 414 Campus Drive East. The advertising mailing address is P.O. Box 870170, Tuscaloosa, AL 35487. The Crimson White (USPS 138020) is published four times weekly when classes are in session during Fall and Spring Semester except for the Monday after Spring Break and the Monday after Thanksgiving, and once a week when school is in session for the summer. Marked calendar provided. The Crimson White is provided for free up to three issues. Any other papers are $1.00. The subscription rate for The Crimson White is $125 per year. Checks should be made payable to The University of Alabama and sent to: The Crimson White Subscription Department, P.O. Box 870170, Tuscaloosa, AL 35487. The Crimson White is entered as periodical postage at Tuscaloosa, AL 35401. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to The Crimson White, P.O. Box 870170, Tuscaloosa, AL 35487. All material contained herein, except advertising or where indicated otherwise, is Copyright © 2014 by The Crimson White and protected under the “Work Made for Hire” and “Periodical Publication” categories of the U.S. copyright laws. Material herein may not be reprinted without the expressed, written permission of The Crimson White.
initiative,” it did briefly reference the new grounds policy requiring a permit to walk on the Quad later in the email. “Monitoring the new grounds policy will obviously not be an issue as we already have those systems of reporting in place,” Bonner said in the email. Bonner did not respond to requests for further information or an interview, but the president’s office did release a statement after the email was leaked. “President Bonner regrets that a personal email was leaked to the public; however, all attempts to twist the wording of that email to suggest that the University is spying on students is inaccurate and preposterous,” the statement read. “The University of Alabama holds the safety and interests of its students above all else.” Despite the statement, many students and professors have expressed concern over the alleged squirrel spies. “I’m legitimately scared to walk to class now,” Bucky Chompsky, a freshman majoring in anthropology, said. “If
A potted plant deemed sustainable SGA leader SGA FROM PAGE 1
moving on from this scandal and working with a potted plant. “With the proper amount of sunlight, I am confident that a potted plant will have room to grow in his position as VPSA,” Bloom said. “I am excited for it to become a permanent fixture in the SGA office.” Other students were more cautious in
Full bar expected to extend waiting times BASEBALL FROM PAGE 1
“The outfield holds a lot of people, so there will be a lot of drinks to be made,” Ender said. “Those kids mow through Jack and Cokes and Pabst Blue Ribbons. We’ll have to be on top of our game out there.” The Crimson Tide’s regular season schedule will go through May 17, when Alabama hosts the Mississippi State Bulldogs. The newly added bar will be
WHAT: Tweet from secret Twitter account WHEN: All day WHERE: The Internet Machine
THURSDAY WHAT: Turn Swag On WHEN: 7 a.m. WHERE: La casa de JBo WHAT: Lunch with Jo Bo WHEN: Noon WHERE: Panda Express WHAT: Be personally victimized by Regina George WHEN: All Day WHERE: Gymnasium WHAT: Presidential House Party WHEN: 7 p.m. WHERE: President’s Mansion
these squirrels have been trained to let the University know what students are doing, it’s hardly a stretch to think they could be trained to enforce rules too.” The squirrels may well have been taught a simple method of observation and reporting and more, professor of biology and mathematics Ian Malcolm said. “There’s just no way to say for sure what a species is or is not capable of,” Malcolm said. “Sure, the University could have found a way to train squirrels, maybe even genetically enhance squirrels. With the amount of resources this school has, why not?” Malcolm said attempts to control these wild animals after empowering them with higher intellectual process could prove impossible for the University and that the squirrels could eventually pose a threat to students and campus. “The kind of control they’re attempting simply is – it’s not possible,” Malcolm said. “If there is one thing the history of evolution has taught us it’s that life will not be contained. Life breaks free, it expands to new territories and crashes through barriers, painfully, maybe even dangerously, but, uh… well, there it is.” UA squirrel expert and Judy Bonner’s latest BFF Bill Cosby said he was
concerned with the dangers of squirrel surveillance. “Kids say the darndest things,” Cosby said. Rumors have been circulating campus as students and faculty have now begun to question the true uses of other animals housed on campus, such as those used for research in the Biology Building. “I mean, you just know that there have got to be some other animals the administration is using to keep in control of things,” Steve Irwin, a junior majoring in environmental science, said. “You know we have like a dozen pythons on campus? Who needs that many giant snakes if not to slither through air ducts to spy on professors and students? I heard that there’s a python in Nott Hall that is there to make sure non-Honors students don’t come in the building.” When asked if the University uses squirrels or any other animals for surveillance or any other administrative services, the Office of Media Relations issued a statement that did not specifically confirm or deny the rumor. “The University is currently reviewing our policies and procedures for ensuring student safety on this campus,” the statement read.
their predictions, fearing that a potted plant’s lack of previous SGA experience may make it too green to hold the position. David Boles, a senior majoring in something that won’t pay off his college debt, expressed concerns for a potted plant’s stamina. “We all know that a potted plant will blossom in its role this spring. It is really whether or not it withers in performance at the end of its term in December that will determine if it is a thorn in the side of the Bloom administration” Boles said. As the first SGA Executive member not from the animal kingdom, a potted
plant will bring a new level of diversity to the often criticized, white male-dominated organization. A potted plant will also become the first candidate not backed by the Machine to hold a position on the Executive Council in nearly three decades. When asked for comment, a spokesperson from the Machine said, “At least it’s not a Beta.” A potted plant did not respond to The Crimson White’s request for comment because it has not evolved the capacity for speech, a factor many in the student body argue will make it the best SGA official in recent memory.
used for three Southeastern Conference home series. The plaza’s 1,100 seating capacity will be tested with the affordable bar coming to its top row. The line of students clamoring to get in will likely stretch longer than Rounders Bar or any other bar in Tuscaloosa. Gaspard said the new additions to the baseball stadium have energized the team, even if the raucous atmosphere is created by intoxicated students and fans. “It looks like they have a hell of a time out there,” Gaspard said.
DISCLAIMER April Fools’ Day, April 1, is traditionally a day for jokes and light-hearted humor nationwide. As a student newspaper, the editors of The Crimson White chose to partake in this annual event of practical jokes with a special edition. The editorial content in this edition of The Crimson White is satirical and not intended to be taken as truth. The Crimson White intends no offense or harm with any of the content.
p.3 Oaken | Editor newsdesk@cw.ua.edu
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
The Crimson White named ‘Ultimate Hater’ By Lauren Ferguson | Dowager Countess of Grantham The Crimson White won the Ultimate Hater award in the College Journalism Sucks Competition this weekend. The competition is sponsored by the Anti-Free Press Association, an organization that strives to stifle progressive, watchdog student newspapers that ruffle the feathers of any person or group in the United States. The prestigious award is given annually at a conference held in Middle of Nowhere, Midwest. The Crimson White was named a finalist out of 500 submissions, and Editor-in-Chief Mazie Bryant accepted the award Saturday. “I am extremely proud of our staff and the conniving work ethic that goes into a paper of this caliber,” Bryant said. “This award has been a goal of The Crimson White for many years now, and it is such an achievement for us.” In previous years, The Crimson White’s nosy investigative nature has made it the target of threats, stalking and even newspaper–burning sessions by University Greek fraternity members. Notable newspaper editor and Judy Bonner’s latest BFF Bill Cosby said The Crimson White was an obvious frontrunner. “Kids say the darndest things,” Cosby said. During the awards presentation, comments from the panel of judges were displayed for the audience. For the Ultimate Hater award, the judges noted The Crimson White’s historically tenacious behavior and referred to the newspaper’s staff members as ‘those darn, meddlesome kids.’ Additionally, judge comments referenced the newspaper’s volatile relationship with UA administrators, particularly UA Media Relations, as one of the noteworthy reasons for the award. “The Crimson White is totes worthy of the title Ultimate Hater,” UA President Judy Bonner said. “Every morning I walk into the office and dread reading the front page headlines.” A list of additional awards presented at the conference can be found at the Anti-Free Press Association’s website.
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CW | Austin Bigoney, Photo Illustration by Ashley Atkinson The new bus partnership program with DCH will supply hangover-fighting nutrients to students.
Crimson RevIVe cures hangovers By Elizabeth Lowder | Victory Lap Marathon Winner Recent studies and low course attendance show that students are becoming increasingly active in Tuscaloosa nightlife, some starting as early as bingo night at Moe’s Original BBQ on Monday evenings and continuing throughout the week. In partnership with the University’s department of transportation services and local DCH branches, four Crimson Ride buses will transform into Crimson RevIVe buses, Alabama’s first mobile hydration service. Nursing students will work closely with DCH staff to learn how to administer IVs filled with saline during their week-long orientation, a common treatment for student hangovers. The University of Alabama’s School of Nursing students have provided peers and faculty on campus with flu shots free of charge for the past two years, but the college is looking forward to providing additional specialized services geared toward the needs of the growing student population. “In the fall, students are pretty much hungover from Thursday to Monday, and then the cycle starts all over again,” UA President Judy Bonner said. “Some stu-
dents try to hide it, but we still know. Some don’t even try to hide it, which is pretty ballsy.” Bonner wanted to encourage general student health and class attendance toward the end of the week. Bonner’s new BFF and frequent visitor Bill Cosby said the program is much needed in the Tuscaloosa area. “Kids say the darndest things,” Cosby said. Crimson RevIVe is not just out to help students who order one too many shots of Fireball at the bar. The buses also aim to rehydrate athletes and help with general dehydration issues. There are three separate levels of treatment available on the luxurious bus, which contains 14 pods fitted with adjustable lighting, plush down comforters and iPad screens for relaxation and a quick Netflix fix. For $50, students can experience a 30-minute calming treatment, including headache and nausea aids. The $75 package usually lasts 45 minutes, with 1 liter of IV fluid in addition to the basic headache and nausea aids. The most expensive package costs $115, featuring 1.5 liters of IV fluid, basic headache and nausea aids and added B12 shots to help jumpstart energy levels.
“I love that I can charge the expenses to my student account, and not have to worry about payment on the spot,” said Carly Scotter, a junior majoring in ‘Murican studies. “I just had to have my ACT Card and CWID number.” Scotter said she also believes it will decrease the amount of absences that tend to pile up. Crimson RevIVe will conduct on a regular schedule in the fall semester, operating Thursdays through Sundays from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. at several locations on campus, including Tutwiler Hall, Presidential Village and Fraternity Row. Students can make reservations for groups of 12 or more for special events or post-football shenanigans. The mobile hydration unit will accept appointments as well as walkins. The business is a first for Tuscaloosa, as well as for the state of Alabama, but it is not an original. Hangover Heaven in Las Vegas, Nev., prompted the idea, with a similar adaptation in Austin, Texas. Several other large cities across the U.S. have hydration clinics and oxygen bars, but none of them are on wheels. Students at the Capstone will soon be able to ride the struggle bus (literally) without feeling ashamed.
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p.4 Duke of Weaselton | Editor letters@cw.ua.edu
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
COLUMN | IT’S A TRAP
OURVIEW
Wait... What? Ok. Guys. Seriously. We are IN SHORT: Foolishness, I done. Like totes done. Like we tell you, pure foolishness. We can’t even. We just can’t even. give up. We cannot even any Like we literally cannot. Maybe longer. Ugh. Just ... no. y’all should all take a breather and just, like, chill out, reevaluate and come back to us when you’re sober. Like, skip Gallettes one night and be real. Like be real. For real. Salty. That’s what we are. This is beyond ridiculous. We are mad, and we will not take it anymore. Y’all literally want to make us want to go to Auburn, almost. Like we can’t even. But like seriously? Can y’all chill? It’s literally pissing us off. Like legit. We just died. That’s it. We’re so done, like 100-percent, totes done. It’s a unanimous nope. We’re all in and busted. The fat lady has sung. It’s time to cut out. Literally we can not. Screw you guys; we’re going home. Literally crying right now. Literal tears. Like we are about to binge eat an entire medium pizza from Domino’s to take our minds off this. Nom. We are over it. We cannot. Literally on to the next one. Y’all can not be serious. We’re dying. Literally dead. We. Can. Not. Even. Our View represents everything we hate about this campus. Opinion Editor John Brinkerhoff did not participate because he was “indisposed.”
Dissent: I am very frightened for my life You fools, I was really a liberal all this time CW | John Brinkerhoff
COLUMN | IT’S A TRAP
By John Brinkerhoff | Perennial Minority View
By Claire Chretien | Senior Staff Traitor What kind of Crimson White columnist starts off the year with a column outlining her opposition to same-sex marriage? What kind of Crimson White columnist labors away penning articles that argue college students shouldn’t be able to stay on their parents’ health insurance until they’re 26? A liberal, that’s who. My reasons for spending all year writing and advocating for conservative extremism were twofold. First, I successfully drew to my peers’ attention the absurdity of conservatism. As I walked around frothing at the mouth, I also made students so uncomfortable being associated with my ideas in any way that they were immediately drawn to the Democratic Party and its platform, which is far superior to any of the right-wing blather I spewed on these sacred, powerful Crimson White pages. By forcing students to spend time contemplating how a 20-yearold could actually have the gall to argue against same-sex marriage on a college campus and staunchly oppose Obamacare’s successful and much-needed health care reforms, I have done more for the progressive cause in Alabama this year than any rank-and-file women’s studies professor has in the past 40. My fellow
Claire Chretien students, after spending a good 10 minutes every other week choking on their morning coffee at the latest lunacies under my byline, were forced to ponder the craziness of my conservative drivel. They were immediately very disturbed. I knew my secret liberal plan was working when I passed visibly distressed students pouring over The Crimson White, wondering aloud, “What is this girl injecting into her veins? How did she get this crazy?” Perhaps my greatest achievement this year has been drawing attention away from the other liberal columnists. While my columns were just what students needed to realize that progressivism is truly the direction we should be heading, they also served as a very
useful distraction. Although most students read The Crimson White cover-to-cover every single day – if, of course, they haven’t already stayed up until midnight anxiously waiting for opinion pieces to go online – many were drawn to the outrageous headlines next to my photo. That photo, by the way, was taken when I was 10 pounds heavier, because I hadn’t used all of my Dining Dollars in case any single men who voted for Obama were wondering. These outrageous headlines took attention away from the incredibly dull and often very poorly written columns to which they were opposed. The columns written by openly liberal students couldn’t have been worse for our noble cause. Columnists, we have got to get together and talk strategy sometime. Fellow liberals, aren’t you glad I tricked you? We have so many more supporters now because of how crazy I pretended to be. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that you thank me. A nice card and a donation to Greenpeace in my name will suffice, maybe a Starbucks gift card too. You’re welcome. Let’s keeping moving forward together. April Fools.
Lo, this Editorial Board meeting in which I sit, a suffocating absurdity strikes my conscience and unfolds before mine own eyes. These mouldy cretins who with me comprise this body barged into this once sacred conference room of deliberation, squabbling with lack of wit and demanding that we write an Our View about Heaven knows what. I cannot understand a word that is expressed in this gathering of buffoons. I understand they are quite irate at some pressing situation. Indeed, some glorious morsel of merit might very well be hidden away in the very core of their exasperation. Aye me, I will hold that a whole host of pressing problems do exist at the Capstone, many worth address. Nevertheless, merely issuing a veritable rhetorical broadside of, “we are over it,” without clarifying what “it” is, challenges the very fiber of my being. The product that results from such aimless posturing is infant-like and composed without a finger’s dignity. I must protest this ridiculous proceeding, yet I lack the capacity to do so. I am unable to comprehend their youthful lingo. They speak with most unsavory utterings. What does “salty” mean, and how can this be a mood? My fellow editors are becoming increasingly agitated, their faces tart enough to sour grapes. The editor-in-chief has begun to pound her fist on the table demanding that “we ain’t gonna take this anymore.” Such antics do not amount to editors. Fear hath filled mine own body from ground upwards, and soon I sense the others will turn their frustrations to me. I do not have the requisite knowledge to deal with this rapidly deteriorating situation. The beasts have failed to notice me thus far. I should make my escape soon, before they begin to throw things. It is my only avenue for survival. My dear reader, wish me luck. I hope to get through this sudden tribulation without bodily harm. If I should survive, I will be sure to …
Claire Chretien aspires to be an MSNBC commentator.
Opinion Editor John Brinkerhoff was mauled before making it outside of the room.
I understand they are quite irate at some pressing situation.
OPPOSING VIEWS | BEST MEMBER OF ONE DIRECTION
We mortals are not worthy to gaze upon the beauty of Zayn
Harry Styles’ hairy styles are most definitely greater than thou
By Beth Lindly | Senior Staff Fangirl
By Katherine Owen | Senior Staff 1D Columnist
Close your eyes. Picture a perfectly tanned, angular man with cheekbones to cut glass and soft brown eyes that melt your soul. Forget all you knew about the male facial structure aesthetic. That cute boy in class? Trash. AJ McCarron? Scrub. All are garbage compared to Zayn Malik. He transcends the realm of “gods among men.” He is the god of the gods among men. Zayn Malik is, by far, no questions asked, the best member of British boy band One Direction. Now, this isn’t to say that I’m a Zayn girl. I have long-since succumbed to the train heading off a cliff that is “loving Harry Styles with all my heart.” But the fact of the matter is, Zayn
stands alone. Zayn, with smooth vocals like caramel in my ear canals, is my angel. When I’m fed up with Louis and Liam’s constant throwing-up-gang-signs nonsense, when Niall being Irish is just too much of a gimmick, when Harry’s hair is too crazy for me, Zayn is there. Zayn can take my frown and, with one beautifully crafted verse, turn it upside down. He’s also creative – I bet you didn’t know that he designed the doodles on their album artwork! He has a room in his house for graffiti. Never has vandalism been so attractive to me. When he dies (if he ever does, because I’m not entirely convinced he’s actually mortal) his body must be donated to
science. We need answers to why and how a human being could possibly be as aesthetically pleasing as this one. Also, have you SEEN his fiancée? Perrie Edwards is absolutely gorgeous and has an amazing voice. I am not joking you, Crimson White constituency, when she dyed her hair purple, so did I. Partly because it was cool and partly because I really want to marry Zayn. No such luck for me. (Although I love my boyfriend very much. Hi, Patrick!) Let’s face it, when it comes to Zayn Malik, none of us are good enough. We are not good enough to gaze upon him, to hear his beautiful voice caress our ears. We’re not worthy. Beth Lindly is not worthy.
EDITORIAL BOARD Miranda Hobbs editor-in-chief Charlotte York managing editor Carrie Bradshaw production editor Samantha Jones visuals editor
Mr. Big online editor Aiden Shaw chief copy editor Aleksandr Petrovsky opinion editor
While all five members of popular boy band One Direction are worthy of fangirl merit in their own right, Zayn Malik is by far not the best member of One Direction. In a time of such evolving boy band standards, I think it is important to take a well-rounded look at what makes boy band members have that certain “je ne sais quoi,” if you will. Sure Zayn has that dark smolder. Liam, is well, Liam. Niall has that weird edgy vibe. Louis, well I don’t know or care. But Harry is by leaps and glorious bounds the definitive best member of One Direction. The hairy styles of Harry Styles have dominated the
DISCLAIMER: April Fools’ Day, April 1, is traditionally a day for jokes and lighthearted humor nationwide. As a student newspaper, the editors of The Crimson White chose to partake in this annual event of practical jokes with a special edition. The editorial content in this edition of The Crimson White is satirical and not intended to be taken as truth. The Crimson White intends no offense or harm with any of the content.
heartthrob scene, and with good reason. Since the dawn of Harry’s holy reign, his loyal fanbase has been graced with a variety of evolving – and consistently flawless – hairy styles. In the beginning, God created a perfect halo of curls to frame Harry’s perfect little face. Then Harry rocked a perfectly sloppy heap of Harry hair atop his little angel face in what I like to call The Mop Part I. The Mop Part I fell slightly to the side and was the precursor to The Mop Part II. The Mop Part II was a wavier, longer version of The Mop Part I. Then, the nation observed the Lone Horizontal Forehead Curl, which was a dark moment for all of us. When the Lord hath delivered us from this evil, from the
ashes of the Lone Horizontal Forehead Curl rose the phoenix that is The Mop Part III, the ultimate and final mop. After The Mop Part III, we were given the Almighty Sweep. The Almighty Sweep is, in its most essential form, some kind of hair styling voodoo magic, only further glorifying Harry’s now older and still (even more so?) perfect face. This is all to say One Direction has plenty going for it. The music stylings? Beautiful. Dance stylings? Perfect. But all that matters in One Direction, or this world, is Harry Styles’ hairy stylings. Katherine Owen is the premier University of Alabama Harry Styles hairy styles expert.
Last Week’s Poll: Do u kno wut is going on?? (Uh ... 80%) OMG 10%) Like, No 7%) I reject your reality, and substitute my own, 3%) This Week’s Poll: Do you like Piña Coladas, and getting caught in the rain? cw.ua.edu/poll
p.5
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Grounds permit required for Quad strolls By Mark Hammontree | God, I miss the screaming Students at The University of Alabama will now be forced to keep exclusively to marked sidewalks and footpaths after the grounds department issued a new policy prohibiting any walking, frolicking or activity of any kind whatsoever on the Quad without a permit. The new rule, effective April 1, comes as a result of several failed attempts to make the grass regrow in the areas where it was trampled and killed from the tailgaiting crowds that trafficked the Quad on football Saturdays in the fall. “The fact of the matter is the grass just hasn’t been recovering the way we want it to,” assistant groundskeeper Carl Spackler said. “With all these students tramping all over it every day, the grass doesn’t even have a chance. So we’re making everyone stay off.” Spackler said the moratorium on Quad walkability will let the grounds department reseed and tend the areas of the Quad that are currently scarred by large areas of dirt and mud. “It just makes me so dagblame [sic] mad to see these kids stomping around all over the ground, not even thinking about the harm you’re doing to the grass seed trying so hard to grow,” Spackler said. “And even when it does grow, you run and walk and lie down on it. You even let your dogs come pee on it and dig it up. It’s disgraceful.” Student reaction to the new permit rule has been mixed as some see the rule as yet another example of restrictive grounds policies on campus, while others are incredulous at the suggestion that students stay solely on sidewalks. “I’m honestly not even surprised at this,” Shawn Hunter, a sophomore majoring in creative writing, said. “I mean, considering all their other grounds use rules about protests and meetings on the Quad, it was only a matter of time before they kicked us off completely.” Hunter said he still will probably walk on the Quad even without a permit
CW | Austin Bigoney The Quad will be monitored as a result of the grounds use policy. Walking is now a privilege. because he doesn’t like being told what to do by authority figures. “Who cares if they get upset?” Hunter said. “If I have to get to Feeny’s class at Russell from ten Hoor in 10 minutes, you better believe I’m going to cut across the Quad. What are they going to do, expel me?” Head groundskeeper Argus Filch said failure to adhere to the new policy would result in punitive action, although he did not specify what specific penalties a student could face for walking on the grass. The UA police department has responded to grounds violations in the past, most notably last spring when UAPD broke up an attempt by students to film a Harlem Shake video. UA grounds expert and best friend of Judy Bonner Bill Cosby said he didn’t understand the concept behind the Harlem Shake. “Kids say the darndest things,” Cosby said. Hunter said he couldn’t see how the University would be able to enforce the rule 24/7, but Filch said he suggested
that the Quad be monitored around the clock. He did not say whether additional manpower would be posted at points throughout the 22-acre area. “Oh, we’ll definitely know when students try to break the rule, just like we always know when some granola hippie hangs up a hammock on the trees,” Filch said. “I’m not going to say what the exact methods of detection are because it’s confidential, but I’ll just say it’d be a mistake to test us. We are very serious about our grass.” New evidence has revealed that the University’s squirrel population may be working with the administration, but it is unknown whether squirrels will be used to enforce the new walking ban. With the option to cut across the Quad now unavailable, students are having to rethink their walking paths and timetables between classes. Stuart Minkus, a senior (by hours) majoring in biochemistry and physics, said the new ban will make it almost impossible for him to get to class on time. “It’s just absolutely ridiculous,”
Minkus said. “I just don’t understand how they think they can get away with completely altering students’ carefully planned routes to class more than halfway through the semester. I mean I’ve got five classes back-to-back, and I just don’t have time to walk behind the lollygagging fools that will inevitably clog the sidewalks.” Angela Moore, a sophomore majoring in political science, said she was most upset at the idea that students will no longer be allowed to spend their free time on the Quad. “This is yet another example of the University cutting away at student’s rights,” Moore said. “It’s the Quad for crying out loud. You’re supposed to walk on it, play on it, take naps on it and, yes, even assemble and protest on it when need be.” Moore is the vice president of Students for Open Greenways and Efficacy of Land, one of many new student organizations formed in response to the new policy. “SOGEL is vehemently opposed to the administration’s continuing failure to address this blatant abuse of students’ rights to an open greenspace,” Moore said. “Right now, we’re planning to pass a resolution urging the administration to act.” There is one segment of the campus population that is decidedly unphased by the recent prohibition on grass treading, however. “I mean, I haven’t been able to walk on the grass anyways, you know, since I’m a pledge and everything,” Zakk Boozer, a freshman majoring in business, said. Boozer and his pledge brothers in Gamma Mu Mu Fraternity, along with the pledges of other fraternities on campus, have already been banned from walking on any grass on campus as part of their “new member education.” “Yeah, so it doesn’t really make a difference, I guess,” Boozer said. “So, it’s cool. Who’d you say you’re with? Oh, I’m actually not supposed to talk to the CW, man. Sorry.”
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After two years of debate, the UA System Board of Trustees and the leaders of Omicron Omicron Omicron Omicron have reached a decision regarding the future home of the sorority. “We are pleased to announce that The University of Alabama has graciously decided to reward our dedication to service and philanthropy with the right to Presidential Village Two,” Quad Omi President Stephanie Benzington said in a statement. The residence hall, which has 971 beds, was originally meant for freshmen, as there is already a lack of space for all incoming freshmen. Quad Omi currently has 320 members, which means each member will have three bedrooms to call her own. The remaining 11 bedrooms will be reserved for visiting alumnae, Benzington said. According to the sorority’s press release, the residence hall, nicknamed “Omingham Palace,” will be completely remodeled once construction is finished to accommodate the sorority’s needs. “The common areas are simply too meh [SIC] for our standards,” Benzington said in the release. “We felt like we needed to see the completed product then make decisions on how to improve the building.” Quad Omi, whose UA chapter has only been active for three years, was originally supposed to move into the President’s Mansion by the beginning of the 2012-13 year. “When Dr. [Guy] Bailey was selected as the next president of the University, he made the decision to move into the Mansion, thereby ruining my plan to convert the residence into a sorority house,” UA President Judy Bonner said. “When I finally had the opportunity to take the throne permanently, the board set a rule that I had to live there. So we really needed to find a new home for this excellent group of girls.”
Other sororities have publicly expressed sadness about seeing Quad Omi placed so far away. “We were really looking forward to having them so close to us. We promise the Machine had nothing to do with ensuring they were 1.00650 miles away from the front door of Tutwiler,” a member of another sorority said before whispering “Old Row or no row” as she left the room. Quad Omi is not a member of the Machine, a traditionally white coalition of blah blah blah blah blah. Betsy McBeemer, the president of the sorority in 2012, said she was “slightly jealous” of the sorority’s new house. “Like, I never had that opportunity,” she said. “We were supposed to at least get a house, no matter how awful it was, but now they’re getting this new house.” UA housing expert and Bonner’s new BFF Bill Cosby said he believed the new house was rather large for such a small group of individuals. “Kids say the darndest things,” Cosby said. Chancellor Robert Witt said converting the mansion is part of the University’s plan to give Greek students, who constitute fewer than 30 percent of the campus, more influence at the University. “Right now, Greek students do not have a place here on campus,” Witt said. “They’re such a small group that they simply do not have any control over campus. We figure that if we start turning freshman residential halls into Greek housing, then students won’t have a choice but to join. It’s really going to create a higher standard for admission.” Once the building is completed this summer, sorority executive leaders will have the opportunity to request any necessary changes. The remodeling process will start immediately, and sorority members can expect to move in Fall 2014.
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Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Rage Against the Machine to play Greekfest By Austin Bigoney | Big Poppa
Wikimedia Commons Rage Against the Machine will headline the Costa Del Mar Greekfest concert.
Upon the announcement of several conflicting fall tours, Costa Del Mar and the Office of Greek Affairs have decided to book the popular band Rage Against the Machine for the 2014 Greekfest concert. Formed in Los Angeles in 1991, the four-man group performs worldwide and has accrued a variety of accolades, including Grammys for Best Metal Performance and Best Hard Rock Performance. Known for confronting controversial figures, the band remains active in combining protest with performance. Shortly after a concert the night of President Bill Clinton’s second inauguration in 1997, lead guitarist Tom Morello told RATM.com that he was disappointed in the complacency of voters. “That election had resulted in one of the lowest voter turnouts in the history of the country, as more and more Americans came to realize that their government was not in their hands, but in the
Hammocks to replace student beds, increase UA’s trendiness value By Deanne Winslett | That Blonde Girl Hammocks adorn local trees whenever the sunshine comes out, with students taking advantage of the opportunities to hang out – quite literally – and enjoy some time outdoors. Starting in the fall, these trendy tree ornaments will be moving into University dormitories. President Judy Bonner announced Friday, via a videotaped statement emailed directly to students and faculty, that all dormitory beds will be replaced with hammocks for the 2014-15 year. “We believe hammocks, which are already very popular among students, are the next step for luxury living at The University of Alabama,” Bonner said.
hands of big business,” Morello said. Band manager Charlie Matheson said he believes the performance will guide students to rage against their own machines, whatever they might be. “We know the University may be far removed from the uprisings you see on the news,” Matheson said. “We just want students to be proactive and feel the change that unity can bring even in their own backyards”. For years, the festival has included top names such as Wiz Khalifa, Nelly and Dierks Bentley into a lineup that draws thousands of students annually. This year, tunes from the rap metal group will fill the ears of Greek and non-Greek attendees alike with hope for a better future. A spokesperson from the Office of Greek Affairs, Gimea Shaqshert, said she was influenced in her decision when she heard hours of the group’s music playing throughout campus in early March. “I would walk to my office passing Palmer Hall and find hoards of students jamming to the tunes of this band,” Shaqshert said. “I had to find out
who it was.” When she noticed a gap in the band’s fall tour coincided with the planned date of Greekfest, she made the call immediately. When asked about the headline announcement, Omicron Omicron Omicron Omicron sorority member Anita Frocketson was pleased. “We have ‘rolled up’ with Wiz Khalifa and gotten ‘hot in herre’ with Nelly, so it’s time to rage against our machine,” Frocketson said. “Not many students across the country can say they’ve done that.” Greekfest attendee and new J-Bo BFF Bill Cosby said the band will be a great addition to this year’s lineup. “Kids say the darndest things,” Cosby said. Frocketson was unable to identify a particular machine in her life but said when it comes to campus issues, students just know when to stand up. While there are no current campus issues to rage against, The Crimson White will be around to report when there are. Until then, we look forward to seeing you at Greekfest.
CW | Austin Bigoney, CW | Daniel Roth, Photo Illustration by Anna Waters All beds on campus will be replaced with portable hammocks by Fall 2014.
Bonner said the hammocks will be more cost effective, allowing the University to place several more students in rooms due to the ability to hang hammocks stacked on top of one another. “With a bunk bed, there’s an awkward distribution of space which only allows for two students,” Bonner said. “With hammocks, the space can be better taken advantage of. You can stack hammocks, three to four high, allowing you to fit anywhere from six to eight students in a room.” Severus Potter, a junior majoring in new age literature studies and chemistry, said he is not looking forward to the hammocks because of their overestimated trendiness. “The administration obviously hasn’t thought this through,” Potter said. “Just because hammocks are trendy outdoors doesn’t mean they’ll
be trendy indoors. Like, no, bro.” Potter started a petition to fight the decision to place hammocks in dorm rooms. He currently has more than 2,000 signatures but has not yet received a response from UA officials. “They need to understand that this is not alright,” Potter said. “I bet they won’t even be trendy in a few years. People will probably be over it within the next two weeks. I believe the student body is fervently against this decision, which is why I started the petition. Hammocks are simply too mainstream for dorm living. Everyone knows the mainstream changes every day, and hammocks are no exception. Obviously.” Hammock frequenter and Judy Bonner’s new BFF Bill Cosby said he was concerned with the
impact of hammock-only dorms. “Kids say the darndest things,” Cosby said. In her videoed statement, Bonner said in addition to the dorms, hammocks will also replace couches across the campus, starting with the newly remodeled Ferguson Student Center. “We recognize that some students will be opposed to the idea of replacing dorms beds with hammocks, but we feel strongly that this is the next frontier in dorm renovations,” Bonner said. “It makes sense to branch these changes to other areas of the University, and we are looking forward to how much these changes will increase our university’s trendiness value. Trendiness is very important to the student body, and we take it very seriously.”
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Tuesday, April 1, 2014
CW | Austin Bigoney, Photo Illustration by Sloane Arogeti A volcano spews hot lava and ash onto the Quad Monday, causing classes to be canceled.
CW | Austin Bigoney Photo, Illustration by Sloane Arogeti Three hoops can now be seen in each end zone of Bryant-Denny Quidditch Stadium.
Bryant-Denny renovated Controversy erupts over class cancellation for new Quidditch season By Andy McWhorter | Assistant Something You Know Whatever University of Alabama President Judy Bonner refused to cancel classes and other University activities until late Monday afternoon after a volcano emerged from the Quad and began raining hot molten death onto campus earlier in the morning. Despite numerous tremors, glowing cracks in the sidewalks and clouds of hot sulphurous gas that began appearing around Tuscaloosa in preceding weeks, Bonner and administration officials declined to comment or take any action on the situation until most of campus had become a blighted hellscape of fire and destruction. The administration waited until noon, well after Denny Chimes and the last notes of “Celebrating Achievement” had been swallowed by the slopes of the volcano, to release its first statement about the situation. “The United States Geological Survey has revised its forecast for the Tuscaloosa area, including the UA campus,” the emailed statement said. “As a result, the University will cancel classes as of 3 p.m. for the remainder of today and tonight. A decision will be made later today about whether or not classes for Tuesday will be canceled. Please be aware of exploding lava bombs raining from the sky on your drive home.” Some students said they were frustrated by the administration’s lack of urgency when it came to canceling classes. “I definitely think they could have taken action sooner, especially after the Black Warrior River started boiling,” Blaze Magmason, a junior majoring in stating the obvious, said. “I’m pretty
sure University [Boulevard] is a river of lava now anyway. They just weren’t prepared for this at all.” Lily Tuiasosopo, a smug out-of state student, said she thought the appearance of the volcano was blown out of proportion and that Southern students were overreacting to the whole situation. “I’m from Hawaii, so we get this all the time,” Tuiasosopo, a freshman majoring in New College, said.“It’s funny seeing all these southerners freaking out at the first cloud of suffocating ash.” Fellow out-of-state student and personal friend of Judy Bonner Bill Cosby seemed confused by Tuiasosopo’s statement. “Kids say the darndest things” Cosby said. Others were glad to have spring break extended for one more day after classes were canceled. “I was supposed to have an organic chem test today, so it was kind of a relief to see Shelby Hall collapse into that sinkhole,” Sirius Boozer, a junior majoring in pre-med, said. When asked why she did not cancel classes sooner, Bonner said she had already canceled class too many times this semester. “I thought y’all came here for learning, not to run home with your tail between your legs every time something starts falling from the sky,” Bonner said as she left her office for the day. “I’m gonna keep this gravy train on the rails if it kills me. “What part of ‘Nonstop’ J-Bo don’t you understand?” Bonner asked before putting on her helmet and riding a Harley-Davidson motorcycle into the sunset.
By Christopher Chase Edmunds | Hungry Hungry Hippo
Bryant-Denny Stadium will be repurposed for Quidditch each spring, starting with the 2015 season. The decision was announced Tuesday on University of Alabama athletics director Bill Battle’s blog, The Battle Plan. “After meeting with several groups on campus and conducting many discussions with administrative committees, I am pleased to announce that Bryant-Denny Stadium will be the home of the University of Alabama Quidditch team,” Battle said. The Crimson Tide Quidditch team will be the first co-ed varsity sports team at the University. The team will play in the International Quidditch Association alongside teams from universities across the nation. Matches will take place Sundays, and Denny Chimes will play music from the “Harry Potter” films at noon on match days. Several UA coaches have already signed on with the Quidditch team, includ-
ing future head coach Nick Saban. “Quidditch is no different than any other sport when it comes down to the process,” Saban said. “As long as everybody does their job, the chasers, the beaters, the seeker and the keeper, we’ll win. It’s that simple.” UA gymnastics coach Sarah Patterson said she would use her gymnastics training experience to work with the seekers. “The best seekers are quick, agile and have great balance,” Patterson said. “These are all qualities that I work on with my gymnasts, and I look forward to training the best seekers in the nation.” The UA Quidditch team will play an adapted form of the game known as Muggle Qudditch. In the game, three chasers score goals worth 10 points each with a volleyball called the quaffle. They advance the ball down the field by running with it, passing it to teammates or kicking it. Each team has a keeper who defends the goal hoops. Two beaters use dodge-
balls called bludgers to disrupt the flow of the game by “knocking out” other players. Any player hit by a bludger is out of play until they touch their own goals. Each team also has a seeker who tries to catch the golden snitch. The snitch is worth 30 points, and its capture ends the game. If the score is tied after the snitch catch, the game proceeds into overtime. Former quidditch captain Bill Cosby and recent BFF of Judy Bonner said the sport of Qudditch is a great game for spectators. “Kids say the darndest things.” Cosby said. Quidditch first made its appearance in Tuscaloosa in 2010 when Creative Campus held the first Quidditch on the Quad tournament. The first match to be played in Bryant-Denny Stadium will be the inaugural Iron Cup. Although a date has not been decided, Alabama will wear Gryffindor crimson, while Auburn will wear Hufflepuff yellow. Open tryouts will be held on the Quad all week from noon to dusk. Tryouts are BYOB (bring your own broom).
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Tuesday, April 1, 2014
New freshmen must now pledge 1st sons to Saban By Anna Waters | Just a Small Town Girl
CW | Art Vandelay Auburn fans rushed the field of Jordan-Hare stadium last November for unknown reasons.
Iron Bowl to resume this year By Mackenzie Brown | Secretly a Sigma Nu Following a one-year break from the yearly rivalry game, Crimson Tide fans are already preparing to face the Auburn Tigers in Tuscaloosa in November, since last year’s game never happened. “In my opinion, it was really a shame to see this match so rooted in history take a break,” Alabama head coach Nick Saban said. “But to be honest, I would be jealous, too, if I only had one crystal football.” Saban and Auburn head coach Gus Malzahn made the decision to call a draw for the 2013 Iron Bowl. “Coach [Malzahn] came to me last October and told me he thought he might have a chance at a national championship this year,” Saban said. “So he asked if I would mind if we took a break so they’d only have one loss going into postseason. I looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘Well, coach, I’m going to need a second to think about that one.’” The last time the Tide did not face the Tigers was 1947 after a 40-year break due to disagreements regarding the logistics of the game. “That simply won’t happen again,” UA President Judy Bonner said in an emailed statement. “Obviously last year’s game didn’t happen, but Lord help us all if we miss another year.” Many students have expressed sadness about missing a game between
the two teams. “Honestly, I couldn’t believe they did that,” Stephen Nevrappened, a junior majoring in deception, said. “Why would they just skip a year like that? I was really looking forward to going down to Auburn and winning a game we know we should have won, but I guess we’ll never know what would have happened.” Nevrappened said he plans to attend the Iron Bowl in Tuscaloosa this year. “This year is going to be a good game. Since last year’s game didn’t happen, we still hold on to our two-game winning streak,” Nevrappened said. “Auburn is going to really want to get back in the game.” College football analyst and Bonner’s new BFF Bill Cosby said the game will be a historic matchup. “Kids say the darndest things,” Cosby said. The grounds crew has begun preparing for the game by updating Bryant-Denny Stadium’s security and landscaping. “I had this dream – it must have been a dream – that the Iron Bowl winners rushed the field and destroyed my bushes,” UA landscape architect Billy Flowers said. “Obviously that didn’t happen, but if it did, that team would have been us, so we’re strengthening the fences over by the student section. Besides, who wouldn’t put
fences between the student section and the field? That’s just plain stupid and a recipe for disaster.” Other students said they were happy to not have to travel to Auburn. “It’s really just a bad city,” Sarah Fuggedaboudit, a sophomore majoring in denial, said. Fuggedaboudit said she did not remember exactly what she did Nov. 30, 2013, the date the Iron Bowl was supposed to happen, but she was definitely not in Auburn, since obviously the Iron Bowl wasn’t a thing. “That weekend was kinda a blur,” she said. “I think I visited some friends? I just remember waking up Sunday in Montgomery yelling, ‘HE STEPPED OUT OF BOUNDS!’ I also had this strong distaste for toilet paper.” Since spring practice started midMarch, the Tide has been preparing to face the Tigers. “We are really trying to work on rooting ourselves in the fundamentals of the game,” Lane Kiffin, the Tide’s new offensive coordinator, said. Kiffin continued to talk about something related to trees, soil and bad lemonade before being escorted off the stage by a media relations representative. The Crimson Tide will face the Auburn Tigers at home Nov. 29, for the first time in two years, since obviously last year’s Iron Bowl never happened.
Due to an increase in tuition, incoming freshmen at The University of Alabama will be contractually required to pledge their eldest sons to the football program. “I look forward to seeing what this freshman class has to offer,” head coach Nick Saban said. “Children are the future.” As new students submit tuition payments through myBama, they must now agree to the Terms and Conditions of Attendance, which read, “I agree to commit my firstborn son to the University of Alabama Athletics Department for the purpose of serving The University of Alabama football program under Our Lord and Savior Head Coach Nick Saban and his coaching staff.” The terms specify that children begotten prior to and after the date of the agreement are subject to recruitment and subsequent training once they have completed high school or obtained a GED. Tuition at the University has increased every year since 1985, but UA President Judy Bonner said the rise in monetary cost of attendance fails to provide the profits the new agreement would ultimately deliver. “Football is a money-making machine, and it only stands to reason that feeding the program will eventually yield a much higher return than just pinching a few more pennies from parents,” Bonner said. However, many potential students said they were
unaware of this obligation when they agreed to the Terms and Conditions of Attendance. “I never read the terms and conditions before clicking ‘Agree,’” recent high school graduate Billy Bob Guggeinheimer said. “I had no idea I was signing away the rights of my future kid.” Famous J-Bo BFF and parenting expert Bill Cosby said the policy might do children some good. “Kids say the darndest things,” Cosby said. Incoming freshman Tina von Jahosafats said she was worried about how the children she may have later in life would fit into an athletic setting. “No one in my family likes sports,” she said. “What if my kid hates football? Is getting my degree from The University of Alabama worth it if I know my son will be miserable on the field?” Some would argue the costs of the new program are worth the return. Crimson Tide football is more than a sport to many fans on and off campus, and several parents said they would gladly send their children to the University to play for Saban. “It’s a way of life for us,” local mother Ella Bamian said. “My son would be a hero in the eyes of our family.” Bamian, 40, has two children enrolled at Central High School in Tuscaloosa. Her daughter, Bear, is 15, and her son, Bryant, is 17. “I’m tempted to enroll myself so Bryant can have a chance to play for Saban,” she said. “He’s never played football before, but he can learn.”
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Domino’s Pizza to offer drone delivery option By Lauren Ferguson | Melman the Managing Editor Delivery just got a lot more efficient thanks to Domino’s Pizza’s new drone delivery system. Not only has the popular student delivery hot spot upgraded, but it has also riskily invested in new technology after strategic saving of profits earned from the student Monopoly money equivalent (Dining Dollars). Drones, also referred to as unmanned aerial vehicles, are controlled remotely through pilots on the ground or in another vehicle. While commercial use of drone delivery is a relatively untapped area, Domino’s spokesperson Pepper Roni said the company is confident the pros of using this new system for delivery dramatically outweigh any cons. Currently, Domino’s holds the market in Tuscaloosa for the highest number of pizza delivery orders due to its acceptance of Dining Dollars. While pizza is a staple in many college students’ diets, essentially “free pizza” is even more desirable. The company accepts Dining Dollars at its three Tuscaloosa locations – 15th Street, Northport and Skyland Boulevard – and allows students to place orders via phone, online or through the Domino’s app. Even with the three mediums, certain times and days of the week cause a strain on the company’s manpower to process, cook and deliver orders. Queue the drones. Domino’s cited in a press release that with its new drone delivery option, student wait time for delivery orders will be cut in half, which will alleviate congestion during popular ordering times. Additionally, drone delivery will allow Domino’s staff to stay on property to facilitate order processing and production. In an online poll last week surveyed by The Crimson
White, student interest in Domino’s drone delivery saw an overwhelming response of 100 percent support. Additionally, the poll received more votes than any campus SGA election – 34,852 to be exact (and coincidentally the number of Fall 2013 student enrollment). Bill Cosby, delivery drone manufacturer and best friend of Judy Bonner, said he is looking forward to the implementation of unmanned aerial delivery. “Kids say the darndest things,” Cosby said. However, drone delivery propositions have not always been well-accepted. In December 2013, Amazon announced its plans to start a 30-minute delivery system titled Amazon Prime Air. After its announcement, the public had more questions than the company could answer. Several specific concerns included delivery during problematic weather, privacy and the destruction of drones while in the air. While Tuscaloosa’s penchant for rain will cause problems for drone operation, Domino’s stated in the press release that student privacy will not be compromised. However, Domino’s cited a small concern with Tuscaloosa’s high gun ownership population that could lead to drones possibly being shot down to steal pizzas and Cinna Stix, but the company has altered the material makeup accordingly. The drones will be outfitted in titanium and carbon fiber composite materials to deflect any bullets aimed at pizza orders. The press release warned that the drones would not provide good clay pigeon practice for any bored students and specifically referenced gun-owning fraternity members. CW | Austin Bigoney Domino’s Pizza’s drone delivery system will become Drone delivery will utilize new technology to increase delivery efficiency. effective at 8 p.m. on April 1.
Student organization promotes inactivity on campus issues By Matt Ford | Fresh Prince of Debonair In the aftermath of a tremulous year of controversy at The University of Alabama, a new group has squatted its way onto the scene. UA Sits, created in October 2013, is an organization promoting inactivity on serious campus issues and lobbying against change. According to its Facebook page, the group is “the students, faculty, administration and Tuscaloosa community members who are willing to ensure no systemic change within the culture of UA.” Knot Swift, a senior majoring in political science and philosophy, was a core founder and elected as the group’s president upon its inception. He said the group formed to
ensure the one–of–a–kind culture of the University remains unaltered. “We had planned a meeting of our 50+ membership to discuss how best to promote inactivity on campus, but no one showed up to it,” Swift said. “At least, I think that’s what happened. Honestly, I didn’t make it either.” However, Swift said the group was successful in organizing a sit-in on the Quad, where members sat cross-legged on the grass to protest unruly change. “I think people were impacted by the strong political message of seeing us lounge around and not do anything,” Swift said. “That’s really the spirit of UA Sits and what we’re so passionate about. The mantra we try to operate by is, ‘Do Less.’” Catherine Borington, a junior majoring
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in demotivational speaking through New College, said she joined the group because it promised to squash any significant movements without having to put much work in. “We had some ideas for how to campaign and promote no changes to the status quo on campus – and the sit-in was super effective – but that’s kind of a lot,” Borington said. “I think we’d rather just allow the culture to remain stagnant on its own when possible and intervene when appropriate.” Borington said the group, which was immediately verified as an official UA organization through the Source, recruits primarily through word-of-mouth. Alysha Snowedin, a freshman majoring in English, said she is hopeful that UA Sits will end the notion of the University needing to change how things are done.
“We value tradition above all else at this school. That’s why so many of us choose to attend The University of Alabama,” Snowedin said. “Each tradition should persevere, no matter the reasoning behind it.” President Judy Bonner was not available for comment by press time, although Borington said she gave the group a thumbs-up and wink when she passed by the group’s sit-in. Swift said he prides UA Sits on its originality and specific purpose. When asked about the group’s rival faction, UA Stands, he responded with a flip of his hand and an eye roll. “Well, if you go somewhere and you’re given the option, would you rather stand or sit?” Swift said. “That’s what I thought.”
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Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Kim Jong-un to seek tips from the Machine North Korean dictator calls 100 years of political control ‘impressive’ Photo Courtesy of MCT Campus, Photo Illustration by Phoebe Rees Kim Jong-un reviews Machine tactics in a meeting with top officials. By Andy McWhorter | [REDACTED] Kim Jong-un, supreme leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, will visit Tuscaloosa over the next week to receive pointers on how to run a totalitarian regime from the Machine, The University of Alabama’s secret coalition of white fraternities and sororities that has controlled politics on campus for nearly a century. Kim Jong-un has made a number of moves in the past few years to secure his authority, including threatening the United States with nuclear war and having his own uncle executed, but the young dictator said he hopes to learn about remaining in power from the Machine.
“There is really a lot to learn from the Machine,” he said. “Glorious Workers’ Party of Korea has only totally controlled all political expression in our country for about 70 years. The Machine has 100 years of nearly uninterrupted control under its belt. Not many speech-oppressing power blocs can claim that.” Kim Jong-un said he hopes to implement some of the Machine’s scare tactics in North Korea. “They have enough power to keep their members from accepting black members in the 21st century, they’ve burned down dorm rooms of opponents and intimidated independents so much they left the state,” he said. “Now that’s what I call fascism.”
Kim Jong-un said the Machine’s ability to extend its control outside of the confines of the University itself was ultimately what made him decide to visit the organization for tips. “They can swing local elections, and so many state-level elected officials come from their ranks as well,” he said. “If only we could swing that kind of weight around with North Korea. Then maybe South Korea wouldn’t be so smug with their Internet access and their advanced infrastructure and their bread that isn’t made with sawdust.” Friend of Judy Bonner and no friend of North Korea Bill Cosby said he was personally targeted by the Machine.
“Kids say the darndest things,” Cosby said. A Machine representative, who wished to remain anonymous, said the organization is happy to help Kim Jong-un. “See, Kim’s problem is he doesn’t know how to control life in his country without drawing too much attention to himself,” the representative said. “In the Machine, we’re pulling the strings around the clock, but we only get called out on it about once a year, usually the day before elections. And that’s only if the GDIs can be bothered to organize for longer than it takes to chalk a few slogans on the sidewalk. It’s really a masterpiece of totalitarian control, if you ask me. Maybe one day Kim will get on our level.”
Gatorade mix-up gives Tide players Sugar Bowl hangover By Elizabeth Lowder | Something Funny Reports late Monday evening during a press conference confirmed that Crimson Tide’s loss to the University of Oklahoma Sooners on Jan. 2, 2014, was caused by a sideline mix-up with the Alabama football players’ hydration equipment. Yellowhammers were served to the players during the game in the large Gatorade containers instead of the traditional hydration beverage, leaving a majority of
the team intoxicated before halftime and resulting in what some consider a disappointing performance. Several players on the team said they felt like everyone needed a bit of a shakeup in preparation for New Orleans. Some of the older players on the team decided to bring a bit of Tuscaloosa with them for good luck. Before departing for the Big Easy, the young men filled up 10 Gatorade coolers with a nightlife delicacy and specialty of Gallettes, the
Valid 4/1/14 - 4/6/14 Small Size Only
Yellowhammer. Usually served in the 16-ounce plastic gameday cup, this treat often results in poor decisions, regret and unfortunate screenshotted Snapchats. Once arriving in New Orleans, the team unloaded its luggage at the hotel and went straight to dinner. Equipment managers and coaches noticed the coolers in the back of the team bus and had them transported to the Mercedes-Benz Superdome, with the intention of using
them for Gatorade. “All of Alabama’s best quarterbacks played even better while drunk. Namath, Croyle, McElroy – I mean what could possibly go wrong?” said linebacker C.J. Mostley. “Once I took I sip, I knew something was different, but I didn’t tell the coaches because they would have gotten pretty mad at us.” Mosley said the Yellowhammers were intended for post-game celebration on Bourbon Street.
p.11 Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Marshmallow | Editor culture@cw.ua.edu
Saban partners with OPI By Katherine Owen and Abbey Crain | Late-Night Daters
University of Alabama head football coach Nick Saban has partnered with OPI Products to create a line of signature nail polishes. Saban first considered the collaboration after the popular nail polish brand approached him following a string of successful seasons. The coach said he thought the collaboration was a way to further extend the reach of the Crimson Tide dynasty. The polishes, varying from Gridiron Green to Pink Sabanade, will be released Aug. 30 in conjunction with the first game of the 2014 season.
GRIDIRON GREEN
CHAMPIONSHIP CRIMSON
SATURDAY SILVER
This kelly green reflects our pristine landscapes of the football field and the grass on the Quad before gameday weekends. Hold on to these two weeks of springtime bliss while you can and match your toenails to the green sludge and practice field AstroTurf.
What University of Alabama nail color collection is complete without our signature Crimson? Not this one. Match your fingernails to your tacky houndstooth and crimson hair bow and flail your drunk hands proudly at our next shutout home game.
We are first and always deserve gold, but we could not think of a punny name to pair alongside gold. We ran out of alliterative nail color combinations. Sorry not sorry.
PINK SABANADE This was Miss Terry’s call. Obvs.
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Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Bonner pairs with Glee, solves sexism Cast will travel to campus to address issue By Chandler Wright | Former Machine Hack The University of Alabama President Judy Bonner announced Monday that she plans to pair up with the cast of “Glee” to help eradicate sexism on campus. Last fall, following national press surrounding the continued segregation of the University Greek system, Bonner paired up with Bill Cosby to solve racism on campus. “We were so successful in our partnership with Mr. Cosby last semester that we thought we should continue the trend,” Bonner said in an emailed statement. “Pairing with various pop culture icons really seems to have an impact on the pervasive social justice issues plaguing campus.” Ryan Murphy, one of the creators and writers for Fox’s successful show, echoed Bonner’s sentiment, emphasizing that the partnership is mutually beneficial. “We really try to push the envelope and address challenging issues in every episode of ‘Glee,’” Murphy said. “We have covered school shootings, homophobia, eating disorders and many more. This is a great way to add to our laundry list of ‘issues.’” Bonner said sexism is a real issue, citing her own experience of initially being looked over for president of the University. “We all know giving the presidency to [former UA President Guy] Bailey was a mistake initially, but what can I say? I’m a woman. That’s always going to be a strike against me,” Bonner said. “Hopefully this partnership will not only impact the
student body, but also the Board of Trustees.” Murphy said the cast, including stars Lea Michele, Chris Colfer and Darren Criss, will travel to campus this summer to chat with Bonner in the President’s Mansion while sporting Alabama gear. “We know this is supposed to help the campus, but we are just going to sit indoors with Judy and talk about sexism,” Murphy said. “After she reached out to us, we quickly learned it’s much easier to resolve these issues in the President’s Mansion with some photographers present.” A UA spokesperson said the cast will teach Bonner some choreography, and they will perform a song together following the meetand-greet. “The dance and song will be posted online a few days after the meet-and-greet,” the spokesperson said in an emailed statement. “Students are not invited to meet the cast. It is a closed-door event.” Lea Michele, who plays Rachel Berry on the hit show, said she is looking forward to addressing the issue of sexism on campus. “We really contribute invaluable insight to many issues facing today’s teens and young people,” Michele said. “We are very excited to have an opportunity to showcase those insights.” Bonner said her team is continually working to solve many of the problems on campus, and celebrity interaction may become a regular thing. “Next we’re worried about antisemitism,” Bonner said. “We’re thinking about reaching out to Lena Dunham.”
We really contribute invaluable insight to many issues facing today’s teens and young people. — Lea Michele
Photos Courtesy of MCT Campus, Wikimedia Commons, Photo Illustration by Phoebe Rees President Judy Bonner poses with Glee stars Lea Michele, Chris Colfer and Darren Criss
Auto Care Use a commercial car wash that treats its wastewater or wash your vehicle in a yard. Dispose of used fluids and batteries at designated recycling facilities. Clean up fluid spills immediately. Properly maintain vehicles to prevent oil, gas, and other fluids from being washed into the storm sewer system. For questions, concerns, or to report potential stormwater violations, contact the Office of Environmental Safety at 348-5905
GORGAS HOURS
EXTENDING
Gorgas Library will remain open on Friday and Saturday evenings until 9 pm March 7 - April 19, 2014 The Music Library and the Sanford Media Center will not be open late hours during this period.
The Morning Drive M-F 8-10 AM
Gorgas will not be open late hours during spring break. For a complete listing of all Library hours visit:
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M-Th 3:30-5 PM M-Th 2-3:30 PM F 3-5 PM
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‘Darty’ joins ‘twerk,’ ‘selfie’ in Webster Dictionary By Lauren Robertson | #twerkteam “Darty,” meaning a day-time party characterized by drunken activities and shenanigans inwhich college-aged students oftne participate, is now an official word. Webster’s Dictionary announced plans on Monday to include the word “darty” in its most recent update of the prized reference, along with “twerk” and “selfie.” The University of Alabama is among many SEC schools to host darties on any given weekend when the sun is out and the weather’s warm. This trend has been on the rise in recent years, with at least one darty every Saturday of the spring season. Many fraternity members use the warm weather as an excuse to wear tank tops that show off the toned biceps that they’ve been working on at the gym for the past three weeks in preparation for SB2k14. “Darty season is my favorite season. Sun’s out, guns out,” Steve-o McElroy, a
junior majoring in attending classes and a member of Gamma Mu Mu fraternity, said. “Hot girls, tons of beer and all my bros hanging out together. ’Merica.” For girls, these parties offer a chance to focus less on the outfit and more on hair and makeup. Sally Stellar, a member of Omicron Omicron Omicron Omicron sorority, said it can be a great opportunity for a girl to try a new hairstyle or type of makeup, without also having to worry about which skinny jeans to wear with which crop top. “I really like going to darties because I don’t have to dress up,” Stellar said. “If I go out at night, I have to wear real clothes, but at a darty, I can just throw on some norts and an XL shacker shirt.” Webster’s Dictionary has added several unconventional words to its reference in recent years. Some think that these additions symbolize the death of the English language, but others concede that language is merely evolving.
dar ty \’där-tē \ noun, plural dar ties 1. a day-time party characterized by drunken activities and shenanigans often participated by college-aged students CW | Emily Young Konrad Friedhelm, international linguist professor at the University of Notre Dame, said the addition to the dictionary is a positive move. “I don’t know why society even bothers with proper English anymore. Everyone communicates with emojis most of the time,” Friedhelm said. “Eventually, all of society will be speaking in short-hand
text form.” Amateur wordologist and Judy Bonner’s latest BFF Bill Cosby said he was happy with the addition of “darty.” “Kids say the darndest things,” Cosby said. While this may or may not be true, slang words are added each year, creating a modern, up-to-date dictionary.
CULTUREIN BRIEF Nike to discontinue popular Tempo shorts Nike, Inc. has announced it will discontinue the popular Tempo shorts commonly known as “Norts.” Nike co-founder Phil Knight announced the decision in a press conference on the University of Oregon campus. “Nike Tempo shorts were designed for running,” Knight said. “However, college students have made it popular to wear these shorts, typically with baggy shirts, to class. I have to say I’m disappointed. After all the hard work and testing and technology that went into this product, and to have that mocked on campuses across the nation– it hurts.” Female college students are expected to don Nike shorts and baggy shirts this spring as a sign of solidarity to protest against the decision to discontinue “Norts.” Posh Kosh B’Gosh, an expert in collegiate fashion and amateur haiku writer, responded to an interview request with a handwritten poem: “Nike Tempo shorts/ Baggy shirts beg the question/ Are you wearing pants?” The move to cut the line of women’s shorts is expected to immediately affect the earnings of Nike, Inc. and its shareholders. Fashion business finance analyst Joseph A. Bank said the decision is not worth the price. “Those shorts retail at about 35 dollars a pop,” Bank said. “With how popular these shorts are, Nike is about to lose roughly 6 bazillion dollars in the next fiscal year.” An immediate recall of “Norts” was issued Monday. Clothing stores nationwide are expected to have all remaining Tempo shorts removed by Friday. Compiled by Christopher Edmunds
CW| Daniel Roth UA President Judy Bonner and actor Bill Cosby will release their new fashion collection, J.Bosby.
Bonner, Cosby to debut fashion collaboration line By Abbey Crain | Lena Dunham Wannabe
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Students can expect an emailed video today debuting President Judy Bonner and actor Bill Cosby’s clothing collaboration titled J.Bosby. The collection features an updated version of Bonner’s skirt suit, with Cosby’s Huxtable-esque sweaters emblazoned with original slogans. Keeping with the fall runways of September 2013, the sweater displays social media-savvy hashtags representing the University’s dedication to the variety of backgrounds and perspectives in the student body. “I really wanted to express to students how easy it is to show national media our true diverse colors,” Bonner said. “My favorite piece from the collection is our ‘#dialogue’ sweater. It was media relations’ idea, but I just couldn’t say no. Literally, I wasn’t allowed to say no.” Moschino, known for his ironic odes to pop culture, was an integral part in the collaboration. “The first time I came to Alabama back in the fall, I knew I wanted to be a part of the diversity dialogue movement pushed first by the phenomenal administration,” Cosby
said. “I have been happy to relinquish my iconic sweater’s rights to UA.” The sweater will hold true to Cosby’s Cliff Huxtable character circa 1982, with nursing home-inspired patterns and a crew neck. The updated skirt suit will only be offered in the University’s true crimson and will feature built-in Nike tempo shorts, so no student will have to deviate from dress code. “I am really excited to wear the #dialogue sweater to all of our rush events next year,” Candy Bernard, a junior majoring in elementary education, said. The J.Bosby debut collection will be sold exclusively at the SUPe Store. Aspiring for the contemporary market, prices range from $75-150. Media relations did not confirm, but sources said the sweater will be put on all student seats for the first home football game, courtesy of a new bill passed by the Student Government Association last week. “I am flattered so many students are interested in their very own crimson power suits,” Bonner said. “I think that says a lot about our crimson community. A school that fashions together, stays together. Roll Tide.”
p.14 Kristoff | Editor sports@cw.ua.edu
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
FOOTBALL
Green Berets guard games By Nick Sellers | Senior Staff Student Section Reporter
Alabama Athletic Director Bill Battle recently announced in his regularly emailed blog “The Battle Plan” the addition of 24 former Army Green Berets to the athletic department’s payroll. The ex-members of the United States Army Special Forces, handpicked by a panel over which footall coach Nick Saban presided, will post up at Bryant-Denny Stadium in 2014 to prevent student ticket holders from leaving games early. “This is a precautionary measure to ensure the Crimson Tide ‘school spirit’ is adequately displayed on ESPN, ESPN2 and especially that fancy new SEC Network whenever those media outlets carry a game,” Battle said in his blog. “It’s just bad publicity when there are CW | Pete Pajor, MCT Campus, Photo Illustration by Anna Waters huge gaps in the south end zone Former Army Green Berets will be posted in the student section during home football during the fourth quarter of a games to prevent student ticket holders from leaving games early. game against Idaho Central
State University.” Battle went on to say, glossing over the 39-3 record Alabama has at home since 2008 as otherwise good television exposure. The new procedure comes as somewhat of a surprise after block seating for many Greek organizations was suspended for last season’s 45-10 romp over Tennessee due to many students opting to skip the second half of an eventual 52-0 shutout of the Arkansas Razorbacks the week before. “Believe me, that was a movie we’d all seen before,” Geoff Zabransky, a junior majoring in mechanical engineering who was affected by the block seating snafu, said. “I mean, I love that movie – ‘Alabama destroys inferior team at Bryant-Denny’ – but even your favorite movies you’d skip the last 30 minutes or so of to get a head start on the crowds at Gallettes, especially if you’ve seen it 15 times already.” Saban confirmed the import-
ed Green Berets, many of whom had seen action in theaters such as Bosnia, Kuwait and Panama. The soldiers will guard all entrances and exits to the stadium for the entirety of every home football game for the foreseeable future. There was talk after last season of adding a points system to students’ attendance records, in which students would have to swipe ACT cards leaving games as well as coming in, “but I think this will encourage every fan to stay until the band finishes ‘Rammer Jammer’,” Saban said at a recent press conference. Sources close to the concession stand workers confirmed food revenues this season will likely take a “significant hit” due to students’ being afraid to leave their seats during games this upcoming season. When reached for further comment, Battle was quietly muttering, “Let’s see those kids try to leave early now,” with a smirk.
GYMNASTICS
Gymnastics adds fans to home meets’ starting lineups By Kelly Ward | Princess of Genovia In an unprecedented move, the Alabama gymnastics team announced it would include fans in its starting lineup at home meets. “It’s something we’ve been working to for a while,” head coach Sarah Patterson said. “The way we’ve been winning, we can’t just expect teams to come to Coleman to compete if they’re just going to lose.” In its last two home meets, the Crimson Tide beat its opponents definitively, with a 198.250-196.300 victory over then-No. 10 Stanford and a 197.925-196.175 win over then-No.11 Auburn to extend the meet winning streak against Auburn to 109 straight.
“We don’t want our fans to ever get bored with wins,” Patterson said. “The concern during football season was students leaving during big wins, ‘Play for Four, Stay for Four.’ Here, we want the fans to be a part of the four rotations, you know, ‘Stay for Four so You Can Compete for Four.’ That way, no one’s bored.” The team will feature two new gymnasts chosen from the crowd in each rotation. This will allow one of the scores to drop. “There’s nothing like this anywhere else in the country,” Patterson said. “That’s what this program is all about. We want to be the premier program in the country, and this will only help us.” The new lineup will allow the team to rest
before its away meets, Patterson said. With fans in the lineup, the gymnasts will feel the need to perform better in practice to earn the other four spots, senior Audotya Romanovna Raskolnikova said. “It definitely adds pressure,” she said. “It’s not enough to just have been here for four years or whatever. You have to earn your spot each week. I’m just glad we don’t have any home meets left this year. I wouldn’t want to worry about losing my spot this close to NCAAs, especially as a senior.” The idea to introduce fans into the starting lineup came from Patterson, who said she always looks for ways to include fans in the experience.
“It’s not just about the exposure for the team, but it doesn’t hurt” she said. “We have the best fans in the country. We want to keep it interesting for them and the team.” Injuries are already a concern for the novice gymnasts, but Patterson said the team will take precautions to keep them safe. “We want this to be a positive experience for those involved, so of course we have taken the necessary medical precautions,” Patterson said. “We don’t want anyone hurt. That’s not our goal. We’re just looking to make the competition level a little more even next time around.” The new lineups will be implemented in the 2015 season.
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Tuesday, April 1, 2014
FOOTBALL
FOOTBALL
Crimson Tide to give away crystals because of clutter By Kelly Ward | Princess of Genovia When fans go looking for the crystal footballs Alabama has accrued recently, they will be disappointed to find that the athletic department has done away with the trophies. “We already have the [Sarah Patterson] Champions Plaza,” athletic director Bill Battle said. “We don’t have the space for all those trophies.” After three national championships in four years, Battle said the department had trouble finding room to build displays. “Real estate’s expensive,” he said. “It’s all about ‘location, location, location.’ We can’t just use up what little space we have every time we win a national championship.” The decision wasn’t an easy one for the department. Several meetings were held to determine what to do with the clutter, Battle said. The final decision was to give the trophies away. “Charities, pawn shops, whoever will take them,” Battle said. “I don’t really care who gets them. If someone wants them, they can have them.” Battle didn’t say when the trophies would be given away, just that someone would get around to throwing them out soon. “It’s understandable,” former quarterback AJ McCarron said. “It’s hard finding a place for all those rings. They’re heavy and get in my way. I either lost mine or got rid of them as soon as I left.” The 2013 season was a bit of a relief for the athletic department, Battle said. “I’m glad we didn’t have to find a place for another trophy,” Battle said. “It’s so much work to display, and our contractor is getting tired of constantly building another display.” Battle said he consulted with the coaching staff before doing away with the trophies. “We wanted them to feel a part of the process,” Battle said. “I don’t think we could do it without the coaches.” The decision was completely unanimous, Battle said. “It was one of the shortest meetings I’ve ever been in,” he said. “I asked if we could throw away the trophies, and everyone said yes before I even finished the question.” The coaching staff has wanted to do this for years, Alabama head coach Nick Saban said in a statement. “Of course, we support this,” Saban said. “It was only a matter of time before it happened. It’s a distraction for our players to see all of those national championship trophies.”
CW | Austin Bigoney We’re not exactly sure what’s happening in this photo, but that is actually Lane Kiffin on our practice field. We literally hired him.
Lane Kiffin legitimately hired By Marc Torrence | @imfamous The University of Alabama announced that former USC and Tennessee coach Lane Kiffin will be the Crimson Tide’s next offensive coordinator. No, really. Kiffin comes to Alabama after Doug Nussmeier was hired by Michigan. That is a thing that is happening. “We are excited to have Lane join our staff,” Alabama head coach Nick Saban actually said in a statement. “He is an outstanding and creative offensive coach who has great experience both at the college and NFL level. He has a very good understanding of the game, and I have always been impressed with what I saw in the games he called. He coaches with a great deal of passion and enthusiasm, and also does an excellent job as a teacher. Lane will be an outstanding addition to our coaching staff, and we look forward to him and his family joining us at The University of Alabama.” As the head coach at Tennessee, Kiffin improved the Tennessee offense from 116th in the nation in 2008 to 60th in 2009, a year which included a near upset of Alabama in
Bryant-Denny Stadium. But he also racked up numerous secondary NCAA violations and made controversial comments that drew the ire of some in college football. And now he is coming to Alabama. Why do you think this is a joke? “We want to thank The University of Alabama and coach Saban for this tremendous opportunity, and we feel humbled and honored to be a part of the Crimson Tide family,” Kiffin definitely said in the release. “I’ve always had the utmost respect for what coach Saban has done with his programs. Having the unique opportunity to be here last month, I was able to meet some of the great players and the great people in the organization, and I’m very excited to start working with them. We’ve seen the passion and support of the Alabama fans firsthand, and when that’s combined with the storied history and tradition of the program, this is a very special place to coach.” Kiffin will also be one of the top recruiters at Alabama – OK why are you laughing? Do you think this is some kind of joke?
He signed the No. 3 class, according to 247Sports, in both 2010 and 2011, his first two years as head coach at USC. The next two years, his classes were rated Nos. 9 and 13, respectively but had the highest average player rating while the Trojans dealt with scholarship reductions and other NCAA penalties. With only a short time to put together a class in his only year as coach at Tennessee in 2009, the Vols signed the No. 9 class, according to 247Sports. Saban said he thinks highly of Kiffin, who he literally hired to work for him, as a coach and an offensive mind. After a 34-28 loss to Auburn that ended Alabama’s regular season, Saban brought Kiffin in to meet with coaches and evaluate the offense. “Lane is a really good offensive coach, and I’ve always had a tremendous amount of respect for him,” Saban said at the time. “Just to come in and brainstorm a little bit, just some professional ideas with our guys, I think, is a real positive thing.” Kiffin’s contract has not yet been finalized, but it will be, because this is actually happening.
Office Of
Student Involvement
www. studentinvolvement.ua.edu
Explore. Engage. Grow.
Be a part of the SOURCE Director Team! The Source Board of Governors consists of 5 directors and 2 assistant directors: Director of Organizational Outreach Director & Assistant Director of Communications Director of Creative Consults Director & Assistant Director of Partnership Development & Finance Director & Assistant Director of Organizational Leadership
Minimum Director requirements include: Must have at least a 2.5 GPA or higher Must be in good disciplinary standing with The University of Alabama Must submit an application for consideration Must be able to work at least 8-10 flexible (but required) office hours a week
Benefits This is a PAID position. Directors receive a monthly stipend and an office space. In addition, the SOURCE position is a great leadership opportunity for students who want to impact campus in a greater way. The two positions we are seeking to fill have a heavy emphasis on communication and design skills, so if you have experience in design programs, writing, press releases, etc. then this is a great learning and a great opportunity to gain skills.
Be a part of the Office of Student Involvement Team! With the opening of the new and improved Ferguson Center, the office of Student Involvement will open a new Involvement Genius Bar! Similar to the concept made famous by Apple, Inc., the Student Involvement Genius will operate an interactive support system to aid the Office of Student Involvement in promoting involvement opportunities to all students on UA’s campus. Each Genius will support the Involvement Genius Bar, but will also focus on one key area: outreach, technology, or engagement. Through these various areas, we hope to impact the campus in a very real way. Involvement Geniuses will be able to set goals, create projects, and see their ideas come to life! As an Involvement Genius, you will work one-on-one with students, conduct presentations, and interact with faculty, prospective students, and staff in promoting campus experiences from a broad perspective.
This positions is open to current UA undergraduate students only and is available on UA Student Jobs.
To be considered for April interviews, online applications must be submitted by April 7, 2014.
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Tuesday, April 1, 2014
FOOTBALL
McCarron abandons AXE, puts on Crocs By Sean Landry | Senior Staff Crocs Reporter
I mean, wow, folks. Wow.” NFL front office personnel said the Former Alabama quarterback AJ move could hurt McCarron’s draft McCarron shocked millions last week stock. Speaking under condition of with an announcement during his anonymity, an NFL general manager spring break retreat to Gulf Shores, said he questions the decision’s impact Ala. In a move sure to upset male and on McCarron’s ability to lead a profesfemale Crimson Tide fans alike, the sional locker room. three-time national champion quar“I just don’t know if he has that terback appeared before reporters X-factor any more, you know?” the GM alongside Katherine Webb to explain a said. “How will a locker room respond major change in his life. to that? I mean, Crocs? Seriously?” McCarron will no longer be associOther NFL analysts said they believe ated with the AXE family of grooming the move indicates a positive aspect products, opting to instead endorse of McCarron’s personality and would Crocs footwear. draft him high. “Look, I’ve been “To win in the playing football since National Football I was 3 years old,” League, you have got McCarron said. “I to be confident, and know what it takes you have got to have to win. These guys at a positive attitude,” Crocs, they’re winone analyst, a former ners.” quarterback, said. McCarron never “I like this kid. I like clarified whether he’d him a lot. This move — Bill Belichick try wearing the shoes is a power move. This on the playing field. move shows confiSome analysts said dence. And when I go the foam footwear to war on the football would invite the ridifield, I want a guy who cule of the aspiring NFL quarterback’s has confidence. future colleagues, affecting his mental “Besides, this is a big win for the strength. Crocs team. This is a great move for “I don’t think about that stuff,” the National Football League.” McCarron said. “I just go out and play. One head coach said he doesn’t I’ve been playing football since I was understand the controversy surround3.” ing the endorsement. Webb, McCarron’s now-fiancée, “I don’t see what the big deal is,” appeared alongside her intended to New England Patriots head coach Bill offer her support, but some have gone Belichick said. “I love Crocs.” so far as to question what the move Some have compared McCarron to means for the couple’s relationship. another former Alabama quarterback, A notable ESPN Network col- Super Bowl champion Joe Namath. lege football commentator said he Namath is well known for his eccenwondered whether the former Miss tric endorsement and fashion choices, Alabama would continue to condone including pantyhose and opulent fur McCarron’s questionable fashion coats. choices. “I don’t really know what’s going “A woman like that? Wow,” the on,” Namath said. “Am I supposed to 73-year-old commentator said. “Wow. flip a coin or something?”
I don’t see what the big deal is.
CW | Austin Bigoney, Photo Illustration by Sloane Arogeti AJ McCarron chooses to endorse feet’s longtime favorite footwear Crocs after ditching his contract with AXE.
OPEN
house
APRIL 5TH 10-2PM @ BENT TREE (900 Hargrove Road)
Come by for a chance to win a Keurig or an Electric Grill, and from WZBQ who will broadcast live, you could win a pair of Styx & Foreigner Tickets
Web Development Student Assistant Position Available Earn $9/hour for up to 20 hours a week Starts now and continues through the summer • The Web Development Student Assistant will assist in the design, implementation, and ongoing maintenance of website(s) for Housing and Residential Communities. • This position aids in the day-to-day management and workflow of designated website(s), and in designing, editing, and posting content. • Successful candidates will possess a strong work ethic, be well-organized, flexible, have the ability to work with minimal supervision, and be willing to learn new technologies and skills. Must be trustworthy and responsible. • Applicants must be fluent in HTML and CSS, and familiar with ColdFusion and PHP programming languages. • Prefer knowledge of Dreamweaver software, along with photo and video editing software preferred.
Apply at studentjobs.ua.edu by Friday, April 4
Saturday April 5th 10 am til 2pm $250 Off First Month's Full rent. Advance Leasing for Summer and Fall! Oh and there's food from Chick Fil A! See you there!
205.391.6070
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Tuesday, April 1, 2014
MARKETPLACE
RATES
$1.25 for the first 5 words, $0.25 for every additional word A border around your ad is an additional $0.50 per ad
IN THE
How to place a classified: For classified line ads visit www.cw.ua.edu and click on the classifieds tab. For classified display ads call (205) 348-7355 or email cwclassmgr@gmail.com for a free consultation. The Crimson White is published four days a week (M, T, W, TH). Each classified line ad must run for a minimum of four days and include no less than 16 words.
HOUSING Downtown Loft Extra nice loft, downtown. 2 bed/1 bath, roof deck. (205)752-9020-or-(205)657-3900
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JOBS Help Wanted Student Help Wanted, J & P Construction Co., Inc. is hiring for local student help to do light maintenance duties inside and outside, yard work, must be able to operate a tractor & be able to haul trailers, running errands, etc. Must be willing to work at a steady pace, have a clean driving record and a clean drug test will also be required. We will work around your school schedule. Please fax your resume to the following number: 205-345-6652. Thanks Email acrowe@jandpconstruction.com MovingHelp.com ***PART-TIME WORK*** Full-time Pay Now in Tuscaloosa! Be Your Own Boss! Set Your Own Rates ***SET YOUR SCHEDULE*** Apply Now! Go To: MovingHelper.com Powered by: U-Haul
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Sudoku
Public Intoxication? Minor in Possession? Driving Under Influence?
HOROSCOPES Today’s Birthday (04/01/14). This year sparkles with creativity. Happiness is the name of the game. Romance and partnership bloom after the lunar eclipse in Libra (4/15). Finances grow all year, especially blossoming after late spring. Launch a fruitful collaboration into the spotlight this autumn (after the Aries lunar and Scorpio solar eclipses, 10/8 and 10/23). Study what you love, and thrive. To get the advantage, check the day’s rating: 10 is the easiest day, 0 the most challenging. Aries (March 21-April 19) -- Today is a 7 -- The next two days could get quite profitable, although it’s not a good time to expand or risk. Finish a job before going out. A disagreement at home could tangle things. An idea in theory doesn’t work in practice. Review plans and instructions. Taurus (April 20-May 20) -- Today is a 7 -- You’re getting stronger and more confident. Inspire, rather than demanding. Listen to a good coach. Today and tomorrow could get active, and fun. Don’t dig into savings. The competition’s fierce. Admit the truth to a critic. It’s not about winning... but playing the game. Gemini (May 21-June 20) -Today is a 7 -- Financial success fuels optimism. Nonetheless, slow down and contemplate. Let yourself get retrospective today and tomorrow. Things are getting stirred up at your place. Controversy arises. Keep confidences. Start with organizing closets and workspaces. Work interferes with playtime... take extra time off later. Cancer (June 21-July 22) -Today is a 7 -- You have more friends than you realized. Together, you share goals to realize a vision. A new trick won’t work. Don’t take financial risks. You’ll be more analytical for the next few days, with help from a technical friend. Let the group find the solution. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) -- Today is a 6 -- Take on new responsibilities today and tomorrow. Consider all possibilities. Choose reality over fantasy. It’s a miserable time to gamble. Stand outside the controversy as much as possible. Obligations interfere with fun. Remember your manners, and ask for assistance. Schedule, delegate and make it work. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) -- To-
day is a 6 --Your luck’s shifting for the better again. Play ball! Investigate possibilities to take new ground over the next two days. Postpone household projects until after your deadline. An expensive option may not be the best. Fantasy and fact clash. Put agreements in writing. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) -- Today is a 6 -- Don’t let a windfall evaporate, or follow a hunch blindly. There could be a disagreement over style. Keep your eyes open, and research options. Review your reserves over the next two days. Consider the consequences before making a move. Put in some sweat equity. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) -Today is a 6 -- Lean on a gentle partner for the next few days. Keep a treasure hidden, even from friends. Accept an offer of assistance. Work on your assignments. Share results. Be gracious with someone inconsiderate. Consider all possibilities, before choosing your direction. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) -- Today is a 7 -- Put your heads together. Start by learning the rules. Don’t advance... simply maintain position. Work goes smoothly today and tomorrow. Re-assure someone who’s flustered. A disappointment could disrupt the action. Profit from meticulous service. Your cool compassion gives another ease. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) -- Today is a 6 -- A barrier diminishes. Use your connections to push forward. It’s not a good time to travel, though. Come up with creative and unusual ideas for style and beauty. Have fun without over-extending. You have less energy than expected. A quiet night at home refreshes. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) -Today is a 7 -- Neatness counts double for the next couple of days. Take it slow, and review work before finalizing. Personal comfort must be considered. A repair at home or a family situation demands attention. Postpone an outing, and authorize improvements. Don’t expand too rapidly. Easy does it. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) -- Today is a 5 -- Get lost in your studies and work. Prepare your position. There’s a test or deadline ahead, taking precedence. Squirrel away nuts for winter anyway. A little bit here and there adds up. Exercise and nature clear your mind and restore your energy.
Randal S. Ford, Esq. (205) 759-3232 www.tuscaloosacourt.com
“No representation is made that the quality of legal services to be performed is greater than the quality of legal services performed by other lawyers.”
Sunglasses R MPE U B R to CARE E P BUM TAL CAR TO
205-556-8411 TIDE DISCOUNTS 12% OFF up to $100 Mention Crimson White when you drop off car. Other terms apply.
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Gordon Miller Realty -2 & 3 bedroom homes -Fall leases! -Fenced in yards -Pet friendly -Use of swimming pools -2 minutes from campus -On the Crimson Ride route
Leasing: 205-242-0528
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