WEDNES WEDNESDAY, ES E SDAY, APRIL 1, 2015 VOLU UM ME E 121 121 | ISSUE 110 VOLUME
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TROLLING THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA FOR A VERY LONG TIME
One Woman Show
April Fools Disclaimer
After vacating her role as the president of The University of Alabama, Judy Bonner will take on a new one as herself in her one-woman show, “10 Crimson Pantsuits.” The play, funded and supported by coach Nick Saban, will premiere sometime Monday.
April Fools’ Day, April 1, is traditionally a day for jokes and lighthearted humor. As part of a student newspaper, the editors of The Crimson White chose to participate in this annual event of practical jokes with this special edition. The editorial content in this edition of The Crimson White is satirical and not intended to be taken as the truth. The names of public figures have been used, but other sources are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is coincidental. The Crimson White intends no offense or harm.
NEWS | DEGREE
Honorary diplomas to be given Emotions earn College of Engineering degrees By Rachel Brown | Queen Bee
The University of Alabama College of Engineering announced on Tuesday its plans to award honorary degrees to students’ Crippling Self-Doubt and Anxiety at the engineering commencement ceremony May 2. “We felt this award was not only necessary, but well-earned, considering Crippling Self-Doubt and Anxiety play such a large role in the lives of our students,” said Cindy Loveless, assistant to the dean of the college. “I mean, think about all of our pre-med students. What would they talk about in their We felt this medical school interviews if award was it were not not only for overcoming Crippling necessary, but Self-Doubt and well-earned ... Anxiety? They are part of what define us.” – Cindy Loveless – Students have been impacted by Crippling Self-Doubt and Anxiety for years, but the impact is often not discussed. “The amazing thing, really, is that Crippling Self-Doubt and Anxiety are able to affect students on college campuses across America, even across the world,” said Norma Nononsense, a junior who encountered Crippling Self-Doubt and Anxiety last semester. “To have that kind of scope and influence and never be recognized for that accomplishment, it’s absurd. This award is long overdue.” Nononsense said Crippling SelfDoubt and Anxiety played the biggest role in her life the semester SEE GRADUATION PAGE 9
NUTS 4 NICOTINE
Rocky Scrat, the leader of the Quad squirrel protest efforts, rebelliously smokes a cigarette on the Quad. CW / Layton Dudley, CW File, Photo Illustration by Sloane Arogeti and Pete Pajor
Squirrels work together to defy campus smoking ban By Collin Burwinkel | Squirrel Enthusiast
In an ultimate stand against the administration and authority on campus, the Quad squirrels at the University came together Tuesday to defy the smoking ban in what is being
INSIDE briefs 2 news 3 opinions 4 culture 7 sports 12
dubbed one of the biggest orchestrated protests on campus in years. Squirrels could be seen smoking cigarettes, cigars, e-cigs, hookahs and old-fashioned pipes. There were even reports of a lonesome group of Quad squirrels smoking marijuana on the edge of the Quad. The University became smokefree Jan. 1 as part of an effort to fight potential health effects from
second-hand smoke. Rocky Scrat, the leader of the Quad squirrels, said it is about time people start taking him and his fellow squirrels seriously. “Today is a defining moment for the Quad squirrels,” he said. “We have long been threatened by lawnmowers, tailgates and dogs five times the size of us. SEE SQUIRRELS PAGE 9
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WEDNESDAY April 1, 2015
SCENE ON CAMPUS Students, majoring in the unknown (left) and obscure, take a stand on The University of Alabama campus. CW / Beth Lindly
P.O. Box 870170 Tuscaloosa, AL 35487 Newsroom: 348-6144 | Fax: 348-8036 Advertising: 348-7845
EDITORIAL captain hook Andy McWhorter
TODAY’S EVENTS
CAMPUS BRIEFS
Coffee Time
Classes cancelled in abundance of caution
WHAT: Drink coffee WHEN: Before you get cranky WHERE: In the kitchen
editor@cw.ua.edu
scar Tara Massouleh gaston Sean Landry cruella de vil Sloane Arogeti queen of hearts Beth Lindly
Breakfast Time WHAT: Eat waffles WHEN: In the morning WHERE: In the kitchen
The University cancelled all classes for the remainder of the week out of an abundance of caution because the sun might be shining too bright, putting students at risk for premature wrinkles and varying degrees of sunburn. “Student well-being is our highest priority here at the Capstone,” President Judy Bonner said in a statement emailed to students. “After reviewing the weather for the week, we decided it just might be
too sunny to safely hold classes.” Professors are responsible for rearranging all exam schedules to accommodate these cancellations. While this may seem inconvenient and unnecessary, Bonner said it is just “something that comes with the job.” Compiled by Rachel Brown
governor ratcliffe Patrick Crowley yzma Peyton Shepard evil stepmother Rachel Brown maleficent Francie Johnson hades Kelly Ward jafar Pete Pajor
Second Breakfast Time WHAT: Eat something else WHEN: After first breakfast, but before lunch WHERE: Probably in class
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Lunch Time WHAT: Eat a sandwich WHEN: Around noon WHERE: In the kitchen
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is the community newspaper of The University of Alabama. The Crimson White is an editorially free newspaper produced by students.The University of Alabama cannot influence editorial decisions and editorial opinions are those of the editorial board and do not represent the official opinions of the University. Advertising offices of The Crimson White are in room 1014, Student Media Building, 414 Campus Drive East. The advertising mailing address is P.O. Box 870170, Tuscaloosa, AL 35487. The Crimson White (USPS 138020) is published four times weekly when classes are in session during Fall and Spring Semester except for the Monday after Spring Break and the Monday after Thanksgiving, and once a week when school is in session for the summer. Marked calendar provided. The Crimson White is provided for free up to three issues. Any other papers are $1.00. The subscription rate for The Crimson White is $125 per year. Checks should be made payable to The University of Alabama and sent to: The Crimson White Subscription Department, P.O. Box 870170, Tuscaloosa, AL 35487. The Crimson White is entered as periodical postage at Tuscaloosa, AL 35401. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to The Crimson White, P.O. Box 870170, Tuscaloosa, AL 35487. All material contained herein, except advertising or where indicated otherwise, is Copyright © 2014 by The Crimson White and protected under the “Work Made for Hire” and “Periodical Publication” categories of the U.S. copyright laws. Material herein may not be reprinted without the expressed, written permission of The Crimson White.
Nick Saban not mad, just disappointed After a week filled with disciplinary struggles for the Alabama football team, head coach Nick Saban has reportedly changed the way he addresses his team. “You know guys, Ms. Terry and I, we just, we know we taught you better than that,” Saban was seen saying on a video taken by players during the locker room conversation. “We’re not mad at you, a’ight? We’re disappointed. Very disappointed. You
know, if y’all had just come right out and told us, we wouldn’t be mad.” Players said this form of discipline from their coach is far worse than anything they’ve experienced in the past. “He went all ‘Dad’ on us,” said LOL, Saban’s newest signee. “No one’s laughing now.” Compiled by Kayla Montgomery
Afternoon Snack Time WHAT: Literally eat again WHEN: I guess when you are hungry again WHERE: The Ferg
Dinner Time WHAT: Dinner! WHEN: Whenever you make it WHERE: Wherever you make it
University to adopt Comic Sans as official typeface Addressing students and faculty yesterday, President Judy Bonner announced The University of Alabama’s plans to adopt Comic Sans as its official typeface, effective immediately. “It was a close call between Comic Sans and Papyrus, but in the end, I had to go with Comic Sans,” she said. “I think that Comic Sans always screams ‘fun.’” Due to the policy change, UA Club Sports teams
are now prohibited from using the Comic Sans typeface on their uniforms and other memorabilia. Additionally, members of club sports teams are no longer allowed to use Comic Sans on their class papers and projects or their emails, both Universityrelated and otherwise. The script A, however, is now fair game. Compiled by Francie Johnson
Midnight Snack Time WHAT: Eat the cookie WHEN: Near midnight WHERE: In the kitchen
DISCLAIMER April Fools’ Day, April 1, is traditionally a day for jokes and light-hearted humor. As part of a student newspaper, the editors of The Crimson White chose to participate in this annual event of practical jokes with this special edition. The editorial content in this edition of The Crimson White is satirical and not intended to be taken as the truth. The names of public figures have been used, but other sources are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is coincidental. The Crimson White intends no offense or harm.
Third Breakfast Time WHAT: The All-Star Special WHEN: 2 a.m. WHERE: Waffle House
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3 Bryce Hospital to become new Presidential 3 Editor | Evil Stepmother Newsdesk@cw.ua.edu Wednesday, April 1, 2015
By Beth Lindly | Zayn’s Better-Looking Replacement
In a press conference held Monday, University of Alabama director of housing Moneybags McDormguy announced the school’s newest dormitory, Presidential III, will be housed in Bryce Hospital on campus. “This is the best direction we can take student housing,” he said. “Growth requires progress, and anyway, some historical society won’t let us actually tear Bryce down, so. Whatever.” McDormguy said these new facilities, slated to be finished in Fall 2016, come equipped with original artwork (though it is graffiti of a phallic nature) and rustic home decor (bars on the windows to keep with the building’s original intentions and to remind all students that life is fleeting and we are all trapped in the capitalist cogs of modern-day society). Some students have expressed concerns over living in the abandoned mental institution. “It’s not even that it’s at the literal end of campus,” said Johnny Jetsetter, a sophomore majoring in swag. “How am I supposed to scam on the ladies when I can never know for sure whether someone died
Bryce ghotsts have expressed concern about students moving into Bryce Hospital. CW File
in my room or not?” And it’s not just living Tuscaloosa residents who are upset with the change. Eugene Fitzwilliamshire, a ghost and former Bryce patient from 1880, said he is displeased that current students are moving in on his turf. “How would you like it if you’d been haunting a place for over 100 years and
suddenly a bunch of snot-nosed kids crashed the place?” he asked, hovering upside down about a foot above the ground. In response to the announcement, the Mallet Assembly in conjunction with the new Paranormal Club founded a coalition called People for the Ethical Treatment of Apparitions, or PETA. “We’re planning a march on the
President’s Mansion to protest this miscarriage of ghostly justice,” said Spooky Mulder, a senior majoring in the void and president of the Paranormal Club. “This will be beneficial for us, as most of our members can’t be seen in daylight, so it’ll be really difficult to claim we were disobeying the grounds use policy. How do you like us now, UAPD?!” Lloyd Cynicaljerk, a frankly ancient professor of social work, said he is glad students will have to live on the campus’s outskirts. “Whatever gets the students the farthest away from me is what’s best for this school,” he wheezed. “If we could have a campus in a remote village in India, I’d love that. Can we?” A conversation with President Judy Bonner reveals that, no, we cannot. No matter others’ opinions, there have already been students willing to defect from their current dorms in order to live in Presidential III when it is finished being built. “Anything would be better than living in Tut,” Mary-Ann Beth Sue Johnson, a freshman majoring in Norts, said. “Literally anything.”
Classrooms serve as dorms Condoleezza Rice interested in becoming University president
By Katie Shepherd | Mickey Rooney Fan Club President
These days, the cost of living is not cheap. Between rising gas prices and stagnant wages nationwide, penny-pinching is at an all-time high. In response to this economic crisis, UA administration has developed a plan to sustain its growing population despite financial pressure. President Judy Bonner announced Tuesday that in an effort to conserve funds that “will most likely go towards more fast food in the Ferg,” select classrooms across campus will now double as dorm rooms, effective April 1. Bonner said this program has various educational benefits for students. “After careful consideration by the administration, a decision was made that the pros of this initiative outweigh the cons,” she said. “Most of all, we expect to see a significant increase in attendance to 8 a.m. classes.” Classrooms that are designated to participate in the new program, affectionately referred to by the administration as “Operation Futon,” are located in ten Hoor, Reese Phifer, Lloyd and Gordon Palmer. Freshman Brandon Bunkbed said he was initially upset to return to his dorm room in Harris Hall after class Tuesday evening only to find his belongings had been relocated to 125 ten Hoor, but that he sees a positive in the situation. “At first, I was pretty confused and angry,” he said. “But then I realized my Political Science 101 lecture meets there three mornings a week, so it really works out with my MWF schedule!” According to the new initiative, the President’s Mansion will be included among the buildings that will double as residence halls. Bonner, who chose to uphold the centuries-old UA Presidents’ tradition of living in the Mansion’s leaky
By Rachel Brown | The Other Mother of Dragons
Lloyd will serve as a dorm. CW / Amy Sullivan, Wikimedia Commons, Photo llustration by Ashley Atkinson
attic since she was appointed in 2012, said she is excited just to “finally have some company.” University spokeswoman Annie Canteen said she expects students who participate in this new initiative to thoroughly enjoy the experience, citing the quality time with their fellow students as one of the program’s best qualities. “These lucky individuals have been chosen to be frightened awake by strangers with bed-head and morning breath, all while participating in a classroom lecture,” Canteen said. “What an opportunity!” Under this new “frugality-based” program, Canteen said students will sleep on discarded mattresses from the Julia Tutwiler Prison for Women in Wetumpka, Alabama. This is not to be confused with Julia Tutwiler Residence Hall, which will continue to use the same mattresses that have remained in the building since they were last replaced after the May graduation of 1975. “Not only will the University be able to save money on dorm room costs for its rising population of young scholars, but we are also setting a public standard of how to protect the sustainability of our state,” Canteen said. “This is a shining example of a brilliant UA program.”
Condoleezza Rice, former secretary of state and current tenured professor at Stanford University, announced on Tuesday the University of Alabama presidency is her “dream job.” “After all of the work I’ve done for this country and our nation, there is nothing more I would rather do than serve at The University of Alabama,” she said. Rice said she believes she possesses a distinct set of skills that make her perfect for the job. “My experience in international diplomacy will allow me to bridge the gap between Greek and non-Greek students,” she said. “I also feel adequately prepared to work with James Spann to make sure we are canceling those classes in time for snow days, or even rain days, as any president should.” Rice, a native of Birmingham, said she cannot wait to return to her home state. “I left Alabama for college because, well, I was a black woman and I wanted to join a sorority,” she said. Rice attended The University of Denver where she graduated at age 19, then obtained her master’s degree from The University of Notre Dame. Despite having achieved great success in her field of work as a diplomat, Soviet expert and National Security Advisor, she said The University of Alabama is her next great challenge. “I have been watching history unfold on the UA campus through Twitter and Yik Yak over the past year,” she said. “I know this is a part of history I want to stamp my name on.” Former President George W. Bush told The Crimson White in an exclusive interview he looked forward to watching
Condoleezza Rice Wikimedia Commons
her take on this new leadership role. “I have always told Condi she would make a great president,” he said. “I had originally meant of the United States, but The University of Alabama is so rich in controversy and politics, I think she would be a great fit for either office.” Current UA President Judy Bonner said she is happy to see Rice take an interest in the job. “I was about at my wit’s end with these kids, which is why I’m taking a much-needed sabbatical,” she said. Although nothing is decided yet, Rice said she hopes she is the ultimate choice. “While it will mean giving up a highlycoveted job at Stanford, possibly being frowned upon by my peers, taking a pay cut and confronting issues that may seem archaic to other Americans, I know this is the job for me,” she said. The UA System Board of Trustees will submit its nominations and approvals this summer.
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Editor | Governor Ratcliffe Letters@cw.ua.edu Wednesday, April 1, 2015
OURVIEW
The headline goes in this general area
When the April 1, 2014, edition of The Crimson White revealed that the SGA Elections Board had disqualified both Stephen D. Keller and Elliot Spillers from the election for Vice President for Student Affairs, advancing Green Party candidate Potted Plant to the winning slot, I felt that we had finally made progress in the struggle for inter-species equality at The University of Alabama. For the first time, a Photosynthetic American would take office and prove the typical floracist stereotypes of plant intractability and poor leadership wrong. For the first time in my college life, I felt I could be proud of my campus. I was wrong. Potted Plant has found public life difficult. At every corner, the Machine has thrown up roadblocks to Potted Plant’s work. Using an old nickname Plant went by in high school, “Pot Plant,” the Machine started scandalous rumors of illegal marijuana production that led to the search of Potted Plant’s dorm by UAPD drug dogs. Rather than welcome Potted Plant’s friends and family when they arrived to tour the new SGA offices in the Ferguson
Andrew Parks is a 35-year-old senior majoring in political science, a subject he could probably teach at this point. His column runs whenever he darn well feels like it.
EDITORIAL BOARD
WE WELCOME YOUR OPINIONS
Kris Jenner editor-in-chief Kourtney Kardashian visuals editor Kim Kardashian managing editor Kendall Jenner online editor Kanye West production editor Khloe Kardashian chief copy editor Scott Disick opinions editor
Letters to the editor must contain fewer than 300 words and guest columns fewer than 500. Send submissions to letters@cw.ua. edu. Submissions must include the author’s name, year, major and daytime phone
number. Phone numbers are for verification and will not be published. Students should also include their year in school and major. The Crimson White reserves the right to edit all guest columns and letters to the editor.
Our View is the consensus of the Editorial Board. Every member of the Editorial Board recused his or herself from this Our View. Oh well, what can you do?
Tara Massouleh
Parks Pa Staff Columnist C
The final nail in the coffin came when Kelli Knox-Hall, the SGA advisor who oversees elections, revealed in an emailed statement to the United Alabama Project that most of Plant’s base, the thousands of plants and trees which reside in flowerbeds across campus, could not vote in SGA elections due to an antiquated, floracist University policy establishing humanity as a prerequisite for being considered a student. Members of ECO have filed a court case challenging this policy under the 14th Amendment’s Equal Protection Clause, but any ruling which favors Plant will come too late to affect the election. Nonetheless, Potted Plant made a valiant effort. His platform was easily the most substantive, promising sunlamps in every hallway, a new program providing fertilizer to 250 students who can’t afford it and SGA funding for daily crop dustings of campus to defend against swarms of evil locusts. Any objective observer is capable of discerning that such a platform should have easily swept any candidate into office. But here at The University of Alabama, arbitrary characteristics define a plant’s potential to succeed, not his merits.
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Center, Machine-backed officials kidnapped them to use as office decorations. Potted Plant’s mother, Flower Plant, was put on prominent display in Hamilton Bloom’s office, where Plant was forced to desperately watch as she withered a little more each day due to lack of attention, water and sunshine. Potted Plant’s presidential campaign went even worse than his tenure as VPSA did. After winning a rough Green Party primary against the magnolia tree located across from Lloyd Hall, Potted Plant aligned himself with the Chick-fil-A cows to support the consumption of chicken in place of beef and vegetables at a press conference held in front of the Ferguson Student Center franchise. This press conference ended in disaster, however, when a group of unidentified chickens began an egging before Plant could finish his remarks. Things only worsened when the Quad squirrels, who initially agreed to advocate for Machine backing for Potted Plant after receiving basement representation earlier this year, threw their support behind Stephen D. Keller in exchange for a shipment of assorted nuts, the appointment of Sandy the Squirrel to SGA Attorney General, the use of the Kappa Alpha cannon as a repository for acorns collected for the winter months and the invitation of female squirrels to DKE date parties. Shortly thereafter, banners supporting Keller began appearing in trees across campus.
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Plant’s loss indiciative of Univeristy’s floracism
Joanna Gaines
CW / Patrick Crowley
COLUMN | SGA ELECTIONS
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This Week’s Poll: Twinsies? cw.ua.edu
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OPINIONS Wednesday, April 1, 2015 COLUMN | UA PRESIDENCY
Opinions editor surprises students with UA presidency announcement PATRICK
Crowley Opinions Editor
Ever since I was a young lad, I’ve wanted to be president. Not president of the United States like Frank Underwood dreamt of becoming – being president of the United States is overrated. The president has to actually talk to constituents and work with different federal departments and agencies to develop proactive plans rather than reactive solutions. He or she also has to deal with being held accountable for almost every action while dealing with figureheads on hyper-partisan media that serve no purpose except brainwashing people who can’t engage in critical thinking and perform rudimentary reading of current events. Instead, I’ve always dreamt of being the president of The University of Alabama because I don’t want to be held accountable for my actions by the public, I don’t want to engage with my constituents except at my convenience and I don’t want to stop
growing the University until all institutions of higher education tremble before us. This is why today I am proud to announce that I have been chosen by the UA System Board of Trustees and Chancellor Witt to ascend to my rightful position as president of The University of Alabama. I’m more than thrilled to be selected by the board that can meet behind closed doors away from public eyes and perpetuate the influence of Paul Bryant, Jr., through self-nominating members associated with Bryant Bank. They are like the Machine except they are more powerful, smarter and meet in the most expensive building per square foot on campus – not to be confused with The Argentum. What’s great about having bosses who hold themselves accountable to no one – not even the state of Alabama – is that all I have to do is please them. I could even remove some D1 Athletics teams without serious reprimand. Life is good as one of three presidents in the UA Systems. In the wise words of Marie Antoinette, I say to you, the general public, “Let them eat cake.” Because of my benevolence towards you all on campus, I will make sure you all receive red velvet cake during dead
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week. However, just because I will give you cake does not mean you can step on my pristine lawn in front of the President’s Mansion. Furthermore, I must ask that you do not park in my driveway in order to take graduation pictures, especially not to try to jump off the ground, because that never flatters anyone. Actually, the more I start to think about all the future ground rules I would have to describe to prevent interactions with you, the more I tend to think I’ll just work long hours in Rose Administration and live somewhere else in town. It’s not that I don’t want to get to know each and every one of the members of the UA community, it’s that I don’t have enough time in my day to acquaint myself to the level you each deserve. So, what does campus get from me being president of The University of Alabama? Not very glad you asked, but I’ll oblige your request. I will strive to ensure equal access to educational opportunities for all (unless you’re a part of Honors College – then you can skip 28,000 students in class registration), recruit 20,000 more students to the University (of course I would not develop the appropriate infrastructure and housing until it is too late) and force Bill Battle to bring back “Dixieland Delight” at football
WHAT I THINK • I’ve always dreamt of being the president of The University of Alabama because I don’t want to be held accountable for my actions by the public. • I must ask that you do not park in my driveway in order to take graduation pictures, especially not to try to jump woefully short off the ground, because that never flatters anyone. • I will strive to ensure equal access to educational opportunities for all (unless you’re a part of Honors College – then you can skip 28,000 students in class registration).
games (because **** Auburn, LSU and Tennessee, too). Let the road to 16 commence. April fools. Patrick Crowley is the least-qualified applicant ever for the position of president at The University of Alabama.
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NEWS
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Saban for president By Katie Shepherd | Professional Pee-Wee Herman Impersonator
Students who arrive late to class as a result of the train will be able to have their absences excused by sending Snapchats to to their professors. CW / Shelby Akin
Train schedule delays students on purpose By Heather Buchanan | The One Who Knocks
Sodor Railway announced Wednesday it intentionally set train schedules to interfere with students arriving to campus for classes. The tracks sit just south of The University of Alabama campus. Since the UA campus is bordered on the north by the Black Warrior River, the frequent train crossings block students coming in from the south from getting to campus. Sir Topham Hatt, director of Sodor Railway, said he worked closely with University of Alabama President Judy Bonner to align the schedules as a way to sort the overachievers from the slackers. “Judy came to me last summer with the request,” Hatt said. “She wanted a way to reward the students who arrive to campus early and punish those who think they can sleep in and make it to class from across town in 10 minutes.” Bonner said the Sodor Railway was very willing to accommodate her request. She said she sent Hatt a list of start times for classes over the summer and he was able to arrange trains to move through town just before the start times. She said she thought the initiative was a good way to instill timeliness in students, a trait she feels is valuable for young adults entering the workforce. “Some of these fools think they can roll up to their classes just as they’re starting,” Bonner said. “In my book, early is on time, on time is late and late is completely unacceptable.” Hatt said the initiative has been successful for the most part. He said Sodor Railway bought a few used trains for the sole purpose of sending them on a loop around Tuscaloosa. The only issue he has noticed is trains stopping on the tracks when
they are supposed to continue moving through Tuscaloosa. “We’ve had issues with one train in particular,” he said. “We’ve caught the train sleeping on the job, but I think we’ve worked out most of the other problems. We didn’t want it to be obvious that the initiative was on purpose, but now I think everyone knows.” Hatt said he spoke with that train’s operator, Thomas T. Engine, and gave him a warning for his poor conduct on the job. Engine said he sometimes uses Tuscaloosa as a pit stop on his “route.” “You know, sometimes driving the train in circles around Tuscaloosa makes me a little dizzy, so on some trips through town I just park the train for a quick cat nap,” Engine said. “I didn’t think that would be a problem, given the purpose of the initiative, but I’ve been told otherwise.” Aurora Royal, a sophomore majoring in princess studies, said she often sleeps past her alarm and is late to class as a result. “I thought it was always my fault for being tardy to class, but now with this train news, I guess it’s not completely my fault,” she said. After news of the train initiative was released, The University of Alabama announced that the initiative has been cancelled. “Starting Thursday, if a student is late to class because of a train crossing he or she can send a Snapchat selfie to the professor in order to have his or her tardy or absence excused,” said Speedy Gonzales, a spokesperson for the University. “The Snap must include the student’s face shown clearly, a minimum of two emojis and a hashtag for the event.” The new tardy policy will begin Thursday. Snapchat and emoji mobile applications can be downloaded in the Apple Store for free.
In a dramatic turn of events at Monday night’s press conference, Alabama head football coach Nick Saban announced his candidacy for President of the United States. Former U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Democratic party favorite for the 2016 presidential nomination, announced early Tuesday via Twitter that she felt “Coach Saban could lead the country better than any man OR woman out there,” and finished the tweet with “#OneNationUnderSaban.” Senator Ted Cruz, the current Republican frontrunner, expressed his deep interest to respect Saban’s authority by removing himself from the race. “It would just be wrong to continue to pursue this position over Coach Saban,” Cruz said in a statement to Fox and Friends on Tuesday. “I may be from Texas, but I was just as upset as anybody about that 2012 Texas A&M upset game. It’s time for me to let Coach Saban assume the position that he really deserves: POTUS.” Saban said his focus during his term as president will be to improve U.S.Russia relations, something he said he has been passionate about from a young age. “The Ukraine crisis and the Syrian
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Senator Ted Cruz removed himself from the race in respect for Nick Saban’s candidacy. CW File
Civil War’s impact on the alliance of our two countries was just too much for me to sit back and watch without taking action,” he said. “I knew I had to do something, a’ight. It is what it is.” Though Saban’s experience doesn’t seem to qualify him to handle intricate international policy, some senior United Nations members disagree. Secretary-General of the United Nations Ban Ki-moon said he feels he can learn from Saban’s poise and calm demeanor during times of stress. Although the elections are not scheduled for another year and a half, the nation already has a winner. With Saban as president, the country is sure to be as successful as the Crimson Tide.
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CULTURE Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Less obscene song to replace ‘Dixieland Delight’ By Francie Johnson | The Person Who Sits On the Floor With the Dog At Parties
It goes without saying: No song can ever truly replace Crimson Tide fans’ beloved “Dixieland Delight.” The song, which has been a vital component of UA gameday tradition for years, was recently put under review by UA Athletics due to the repetition of a particularly colorful verse at the 2014 Iron Bowl. While no Crimson Tide fan wants to live in a world without “Dixieland Delight” blasting throughout Bryant-Denny Stadium, it is time for everyone to respect UA Athletic Director Bill Battle’s judgment and begin the search for a new song to sing along to at sporting events. Here are just a few of The Crimson White’s official suggestions for more appropriate replacements for “Dixieland Delight.”
Amazon.com
“Closer” Nine Inch Nails If any song screams family fun, it is “Closer,” released by Nine Inch Nails on their 1994 album “The Downward Spiral.” No one is more lovable than Trent Reznor and this song tends to be a big hit with kids – and everyone, really. Who doesn’t love animals?
Amazon.com
Amazon.com
“Anaconda” Nicki Minaj Featuring a sample from the ‘90s hit “Baby Got Back,” Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” symbolizes all of the hard work and dedication students have needed to get to this point in their lives. “Baby Got Back” was released by Sir Mix-a-Lot in 1992 – right around when many UA students were born – and “Anaconda” was released just last year in 2014. The way the song merges past and present sonically represents the passage of time and the personal and spiritual growth students experience while at The University of Alabama.
“Colt 45” Afroman “Colt 45,” released in 2001 by rapper Afroman, tells the charming story of a protagonist who meets a slew of interesting characters throughout his world travels. It is a song about diversity, about all kinds of different people coming together – a perfect representation of a football game in Bryant-Denny Stadium.
Amazon.com
“Big Balls” AC/DC An Alabama football game is really just a big party, but we always keep it classy. No song reflects this ideal quite like “Big Balls,” released by Australian hard rock band AC/DC on their 1976 album “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap.” The song describes a high-class ball – complete with fancy outfits, elegant ballroom dancing and delicious hors d’oeuvres – making it the perfect anthem for the classiest fans in the Southeastern Conference.
Woods Quad robot statue is actually alive, sentient By Matthew Wilson | The Person Who Steals Things At Parties
By day, Goldie the robot may seem like any other art project in the Woods Quad’s sculpture garden, but Goldie has a secret – he’s just sleeping. When the sun goes down, Goldie comes alive and goes prowling on the town. Reports of the towering robot have came from as far away as 15th Street. On Saturday, Goldie terrified a group of students when he started breakdancing across the Quad, and a bartender was forced to turn away the angry robot due to height requirements. “I thought you all knew,” sculptor Albert Einstein said, when asked to comment. “Isn’t it obvious? He’s just lazy during the day. The guy’s such a night owl.” Before coming to Alabama, Goldie was a big celebrity in Hollywood, getting his big break as the giant robot in the classic film “The Iron Giant.” Goldie would follow up his debut with a string of hits including “WALL-E,” “Transformers” and “Power Rangers.” Outside of film, he had a long and detailed career in the music industry, inspiring classic songs like Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man” and the disco dance move, The Robot. Goldie would fall out of the limelight after an appearance in the blockbuster
Goldie relaxes in Woods Quad. CW File, Photo Illustration by Pete Pajor
bomb “Robots vs. Killer Zombie Aliens 4.” Goldie got caught in a partying lifestyle, often lashing out at his fans. Out of work and addicted to motor oil, Goldie became homeless, living as a garden gnome when Einstein found him. “He was in such a bad shape. Rust on all his joints and a birds’ nest growing out of his faceplate,” Einstein recalled. “It’s such a shame when these big stars, they fall. I had
to help him out in some way.” Einstein helped Goldie clean up his act, giving him a new paint job and fixing his creaking joint. Goldie had been reborn as a new robot, Einstein said. Einstein helped get the former Hollywood star a job as a performance artist in the Woods Quad at the University. After a few years of laying low, it appears Goldie is back to his old antics, attempting
to regain his former glory. It is rumored by an anonymous source that the robot has started drinking motor oil again. President Judy Bonner issued a statement to the press expressing disdain and disappointment for Goldie’s recent actions on campus. She said such acts as climbing the top of Denny Chimes and pretending to be King Kong would not be tolerated here at the University. Nick Saban, coach for the Crimson Tide’s football team, said he would like to see Goldie try out for the team next year. With his giant posture and intimidating presence, Saban said he believes Goldie would make a valuable addition to the Crimson Tide’s defensive line. “I told you that this wasn’t the end, this was the beginning,” Saban said. “He’s going to propel us to a winning season. If he goes out there and gives 110 percent, who knows what might happen.” Goldie will come upon UA System Board of Trustees to determine if his recent actions would be enough to get him banned from campus. If that were to happen, Einstein said he doesn’t know where the robot would go. When asked what he would do if the board rules against him, Goldie simply said in a heavy Austrian accent, “I’ll be back.”
8 Judy Bonner brings Sorority recruitment to pantsuits to the stage go on 40 days, 40 nights CULTURE
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
By Cokie Thompson | The Smart Girl At Parties
By Becca Murdoch | The Person Who Requests “Free Bird” At Parties
Judy Bonner’s resignation finally makes sense. After months of careful planning, preparation and some interesting rehearsals, Bonner’s one-woman show, “10 Crimson Pantsuits,” will premiere Monday to a packed house. Bonner has faced some criticism this year due to her absence in what some students felt were pivotal moments for the University, including the University’s silence during the Authur Pendragon ordeal. Grueling rehearsals lasting six hours a day, seven days a week explains this, Bonner said. “Now you know why I couldn’t reach out immediately,” Bonner said in response to the haters. “If I had taken any time out of my rehearsal schedule, how would I ever have mastered all 10 soliloquies that certain drama teachers have told me are ‘quite honestly the most chilling and frighteningly lengthy monologues ever uttered’ – not to mention my accompanying tap numbers and slam poems? Answer me that, students and fellow faculty members!” The 10 virtually indescribable acts that make up “10 Crimson Pantsuits” have left members of the theatre department stunned. Professor Laminée Darbus reportedly remained stupefied in her seat all night after witnessing dress rehearsal, either awestruck by brilliance or paralyzed by fear. Darbus has declined to comment on the performance. Joe Namath, former University of Alabama football player and NFL hall of famer, has been Bonner’s life coach and performance mentor throughout the rehearsal process. He has been drilling Bonner day and night to keep her prepared and primed for performance night. Namath, who is 71 years young and new to the world of theater, said though his warm ups and practices are unorthodox, he believes they have effectively perfected Bonner’s impeccable pipes. “Every morning I would have [Bonner] run up and down the ramps and stands of Bryant-Denny while rapping Nicki Minaj’s verse in Kanye West’s ‘Monster’ in increasingly faster tempos,” he said. “If I can be perfectly candid, that is probably not going to help with performing dramatic monologues, but it was inspiring and moving and a skill she can treasure forever.” Students and faculty have one man to thank for financially and emotionally supporting this show: our beloved coach and loving father
“10 Crimson Pantsuits” will premiere sometime Monday. CW File, Photo Illustration by Noah Huguley
figure, Nick Saban. Saban said he has been pushing Bonner to follow her gut instinct and take the stage since their first slumber party. With Saban’s financial resources and passionate love for the theater, he said he was the perfect candidate to back this performance. “[Bonner] is my soul sister,” Saban said. “We understand each other on a spiritual level that is unparalleled in the human experience. I have wept openly at every rehearsal, and I am not ashamed to admit it.” Bonner said she hopes the audience will allow themselves to be captivated by her performance, yet she hopes they are not fearful of the feelings and desires “10 Crimson Pantsuits” might awaken. Though some might think she never changes costume during the performance, she said she actually wears 10 pantsuits, each in a slightly different shade of red. “I’m ready for everyone who ever doubted my place here to see that they were partly right,” Bonner said. “My place is on the stage, but I’m still going to rock my crimson pantsuits.” “10 Crimson Pantsuits” will premiere somewhere in Tuscaloosa at some point on Monday. In order to discover the exact time and location, students should check their Crimson Emails at 5 a.m. Monday. Students should also continue checking their emails throughout the day, as Bonner reserves the right to change the time and location with two hours’ notice.
Stormwater runoff is the rain and melting precipitation that flows off streets, rooftops, lawns, and farmland. The flowing water carries salt, sand, soil, pesticides, fertilizers, leaves, oil, litter, and many other pollutants into nearby waterways. In developed areas much of the land is covered by buildings and pavement, which do not allow water to soak into the ground. Storm Sewers are used to carry the large amounts of runoff to nearby waterways.
After last fall’s record 2,055 women received bids to National Panhellenic sororities, the University of Alabama Office of Greek Affairs announced 2015 fall formal recruitment will last 40 days and 40 nights. President Judy Bonner, an alumna of Delta Nu sorority, said the extended recruitment period will help potential new members really get to know actives and learn what a chapter is about. “The previous rush period of seven days was just not getting the job done,” she said. “We want to make sure girls aren’t getting cut because of dresses wrinkling or eyeliner running from the humidity but instead because actives decide they genuinely don’t like a potential new member.” Additionally, the evenings will include training for PNMs and actives on a variety of topics ranging from “How to Keep Gameday Dresses Alabama Crimson and not Mississippi State Maroon” to “Please, for the Love of Lord Saban, Stop Using Racial Slurs at All Times, But Especially on Snapchat.” PNM Veronica Mars, a prospective criminal justice major, said she is looking forward to spending extra time getting to know actives and exploring their houses. “I’m really excited about visiting all the houses, especially Zeta Theta Beta,” Mars said. “It’ll really give me time to take everything in and make sure I won’t find any surprises in the house after I pledge.” Rachel Green, an active member of Kappa Kappa Delta and a sophomore majoring in apparel design, said her sorority is already working on coordinating more than a month’s worth of outfits. “Our president is making sure we don’t repeat outfits,” she said. “The T-shirt committee chair has already passed on an internship with Ralph Lauren so she can focus on rush this summer.” Even head football coach Nick Saban weighed in on the change at this week’s press conference. He compared the extended period to a recruitment camp.
Students who rush a sorority this year will have to go through over a month of recruitment. CW File
“If you really want to see how somebody is going to perform for you, you really have to put ‘em through their paces,” he said. “Like my girl JBo said, seven days just isn’t long enough.” Beyond T-shirt planning, Green said all aspects of leadership are working around the clock to prepare for extended recruitment. In order to refrain from interfering with the start of classes and keep Bid Day the Saturday before classes start, recruitment has to start July 6, right after the Fourth of July weekend. “We’ve already been told we have to be in Tuscaloosa a week before,” Green said. “Although I wouldn’t want to celebrate our nation’s founding with anyone but my sisters.” Like last year, anyone who’s even remotely connected to media in Tuscaloosa has already been sent a media guide for the event. Members of the media are not allowed within a 10-mile radius of any sorority house or Bryant-Denny Stadium for any reason, even if they aren’t covering the story. Bonner said this measure was instituted to protect PNMs. “We just don’t want reporters shoving recorders in these girls’ faces and asking them to speak candidly about their experience with 14-hour recruitment days in the dead of Alabama summer,” she said. “It might distract them from thinking up a new topic of conversation when they visit Delta Nu for the 10th time or give them premature worry lines or something.”
9
WEDNESDAY April 1, 2015 Quad squirrels have 14-liter lung capacity SQUIRRELS FROM PAGE 1
Quad squirrels say defiance is only the beginning of their total domination. CW File
Today is the day we stand up and say enough is enough.” A University representative declined to comment, but insisted UAPD and the administration will continue to aggressively investigate the incident. Theodore Alvin, the leader of a neighboring pack of chipmunks, said he doesn’t understand why the Quad squirrels can’t follow the rules. “I used to feel bad for the Quad squirrels and sympathized with their struggles,” he said. “This took it too far though. They need to follow the rules and realize that just because they own the Quad doesn’t mean they can do whatever they want.” The incident occurred during the morning hours on Tuesday as students were busy walking to classes. The Quad was impassable
on student lives. “Not to sound self-righteous, but can you really imagine college without us?” Self-Doubt said. “We are so integral to GRADUATION FROM PAGE 1 the student experience, to the growth of students. We make them stronger, betshe took Thermodynamics, Calculus ter, and if nothing else, give them great 7, Differential Equations, Advanced answers to the interview question: ‘Can Physics for Geniuses and you detail a time you overa New College seminar came adversity?’ We are on How to Discover New adversity.” ... but can you Dimensions Like Einstein. All students who “I can’t imagine that have been impacted by really imagine college Crippling Self-Doubt and semester without Crippling Self-Doubt and Anxiety,” without us? Anxiety are invited to she said. “I find myself attend the commencement humbled to have not only — Crippling Self-Doubt— ceremony on May 2 durknown Crippling Selfing the other graduation Doubt and Anxiety but to ceremonies. Crippling Selfhave essentially lived with Doubt and Anxiety also them for nearly three months straight.” said all students, despite being in the Crippling Self-Doubt and Anxiety middle of final exams, are invited to a both said they are truly honored to be celebration of their award, which will be recognized for their impact held at Loveless’s house.
and seemingly overrun with around one liter of air,” he thousands of squirrels. said. “The infamous Quad Bermuda Blade, a fresh- squirrel on the other hand man majoring in turf grass has a normal lung capacmanagement, witnessed ity of around 14 liters of air. the event. Their extreme adaptations “I was walking from the to the environment also student center allow them to to sorority row smoke withand as I got out any health closer to the concerns. The This is just the Quad it smelled UA Quad squirlike something rels have long beginning of our was on fire,” fascinated my complete and total she said. “It colleagues looked like a in the veteridomination cloud or somenary world. thing. When I They are truly — Rocky Scrat — realized what it invincible.” was, I thought Scrat said he it was crazy. and his fellow This certainly squirrels plan to wasn’t in the brochure protest again. when I decided to come to “We plan to protest until school here.” we are given refuge from The Crimson White the hazardous condition we contacted local veterinar- face every day,” he said. “My ian John Do-Much about fellow squirrels and I can’t the health issues asso- even dig up nuts or climb ciated with squirrels trees without the risk of a inhaling smoke. Frisbee or football hitting “The Sciuridae, better us. This is just the beginning known as the squirrel, has of our complete and total a normal lung capacity of domination. Be vigilant.”
Self-Doubt, Anxiety given honors for student impact
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SPORTS
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Cooper clones take over By Nolan Imsande | Cheese Enthusiast
Clones of Amari Cooper will play nearly every position. CW File, Photo Illustration by Sloane Arogeti
“With Cooper literally being all over the field on both offense and defense and JK After dominating college defenses, spe- Scott punting, Nick Saban’s squad will realcifically the ones in the SEC, for three con- ly be a force to be reckoned with.� secutive seasons, Alabama wide receiver The cloning process will begin in two Amari Cooper has decided to skip his weeks, just before the original Cooper is senior year in Tuscaloosa and declare for drafted into the NFL. When the other the NFL Draft. But in an unprecedented Amaris become draft eligible, league offidecision, Cooper announced that he would cials are unsure of how they will handle the clone himself to play both draft process. offense and defense for the “We aren’t really sure how Crimson Tide this upcoming to handle this,� NFL commisseason. The Coopers will play sioner Roger Goodell said. all positions except for punter, Having multiple “On one hand, Cooper is so which will remain the job of talented and would really help Amaris on the otherworldly JK Scott. the league out but on the other “I am really happy with hand, do we want a bunch of the team will his decision,� Alabama coach Coopers taking over the NFL?� really help us out in Nick Saban said. “Having mulCooper said the decision is tiple Amaris on the team will not about what is best for him the long run. really help us out in the long but what he thinks is best for run. I have seen good chemisthe world. — Nick Saban — try from them this year and I “I am so talented that I don’t like where we are as a team.� see why I wouldn’t do this,� he While the legality of the said. “It really will fulfill my decision has been queslifelong dream of taking over tioned by some – mainly the the NFL.� defense of the Auburn Tigers, Alabama offensive coordiwhich the original Cooper torched for 224 nator Lane Kiffin said he thinks this move receiving yards and three touchdowns will make the Crimson Tide the best team last year – one prominent college football in college football. figure believes it will make Alabama a “He was so dangerous last year and he stronger team. opened the playbook up so much,� Kiffin “This will really help Alabama out next said. “Having a bunch of Amaris will let me year,� ESPN analyst Kirk Herbstreit said. be more creative offensively.�
UA hasn’t been in Sugar Bowl lately, why? Presents
By Kelly Ward | Uptown Funked You Up
Alabama Athletics announced Tuesday it is going forward with a lawsuit against the College Football Playoff and the NCAA for what it claims is unjust action taken against Alabama football. Following the 2014 campaign, Alabama finished with a 12-1 record and an SEC championship under its belt. It expected to reach the inaugural College Football Playoff. Instead, the Crimson Tide was nowhere to be found in the ranking and did not receive a bowl bid to any former BCS bowls as well as any mid-major bowl games. “It is disappointing that the NCAA and College Football Playoff would ignore excellence as we have demonstrated here at Alabama,� Alabama athletic director Bill Battle wrote in a statement. “These young men represented the University in a first-class manner, and we have found it necessary to take action against the College Football Playoff and the NCAA after this second injustice.� It was the second straight year that Alabama was denied a bowl game. After finishing 2013 perfect because in-state rival Auburn did not feel up to playing that year, Alabama expected to go to the Rose Bowl for the final BCS national championship game. It was denied the bid and did not receive another bowl bid, not even to the All-State Sugar Bowl where another SEC school lost to Oklahoma. For Alabama coach Nick Saban, it was a slap in the face for a program that hasn’t
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Strangely, the Alabama football team has found itself not playing bowl games for two straight years. CW File
been on probation in several years, and at the time, had relatively few arrests. “We respected the decision the committee made last year, but we also felt that it was unfair for our guys who’ve worked hard all season, a’ight,� Saban said. It is unclear whether Saban was directly involved in this lawsuit, but a source close to the situation told The Crimson White Saban was present in every meeting before the lawsuit was filed. Alabama will be joined in the lawsuit by other programs who will file amicus briefs in the next few days, Battle said. The NCAA declined to comment on the ongoing lawsuit or any other schools filing amicus briefs for Alabama. Although he did not name the schools in his statement, it has been reported by ESPN that UAB is one of the schools.
“They had a fine program, but I’m focused on getting my guys ready for the next game,� Saban said when asked about UAB’s involvement. That next game is the spring scrimmage April 18 at 2 p.m. It will be the first time Alabama football has played since December. For former wide receiver Amari Cooper, his biggest regret was not winning another national title. “I feel like if we had the opportunity, we would have won,� Cooper said. While Saban doesn’t usually dwell on the past, he made a rare comment on the College Football Playoff snub in his Monday press conference. “I think given the chance, we could’ve beat any team, Oregon, Florida State, but definitely Ohio State,� he said.
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12 Alabama recruits LOL to join JK and Ha Ha Editor | Hades Sports@cw.ua.edu Wednesday, April 1, 2015
By Terrin Waack | Senior Acronym Reporter
The University of Alabama announced that the Crimson Tide football team has officially signed LOL for the Fall 2015 season. LOL has been on head coach Nick Saban’s radar since he first started varsity his freshman year of high school. From the very beginning, LOL has been a kick returner who can rarely be stopped by opponents. The moment he catches the football, he’s off, Saban said. “He’s just unstoppable,” Saban said. “I see him returning [punter] JK Scott’s kicks during practice effortlessly. JK kicks it, and LOL brings it right back to him, avoiding any defense that comes his way.” When Saban went to personally recruit LOL, the player just laughed, not believing that he was going to be able to play on the same team as not only former Alabama defensive back and current Green Bay Packers safety Ha Ha Clinton-Dix but also current Alabama punter Scott. “When Ha Ha played for Alabama, he
was my favorite player,” LOL said. “Now that he’s gone, I’d have to say JK has taken his place. I couldn’t be happier to also become a member of the Crimson Tide.” Because LOL is originally from Wisconsin, he recently had the opportunity to meet Clinton-Dix soon after he signed with Alabama. “LOL is not only a great football player, he is also a great guy,” Clinton-Dix said. “I only met him recently, but his humor made had me laughing out loud the entire day. He’ll easily be able to keep the mood on the field light at Alabama.” The Packer himself said he would return to Alabama sometime soon to practice with LOL. “If we get LOL, JK and I together on the field, that would be interesting to see played out,” Clinton-Dix said. LOL encouraged the idea and said he can’t wait for that day to come. Although Saban laughed at the idea of Clinton-Dix coming back to play with the Crimson Tide, he acknowledged that it would be interesting to see the three players in action.
LOL will join the football team as a kick returner during the 2015 season. CW File, Photo Illustration by Ashley Atkinson
“I already know that LOL can catch JK’s kicks,” Saban said. “It’d be funny to see if he could get past Ha Ha though. I’m not sure what would happen.” As spring practices start up, LOL is getting used to his new teammates. His humor made it easy to break the ice and he said he now feels very welcomed by everyone on the team. He and Scott have become the close because they spend the majority of
their time together. They’re the jokesters of the team, Saban said. Although LOL will only be a freshman, Saban is confident in his abilities and can see him ready to go as the games approach. “Other teams won’t be laughing at the freshman once he runs effortlessly through their defense,” Saban said. “Nope, instead, LOL will be laughing his way all the way into the end zone.”
Grant searches for new star to join ferret team By Elliott Propes | Ferret League Analyst
It has been a rough season for former Alabama head basketball coach Anthony Grant. Grant began the season on the hot seat and had to devote most of his time to basketball. During the season, one of his 10 pet ferrets died as well. To top things off, Alabama finished the season poorly and left Grant without a job. “It was hard when Jeff died. He was the third ferret I ever bought,” Grant said. “That rascal left plenty of fond memories though. He will be missed.” Grant said he is excited that he now has more time to spend with his nine remaining ferrets. Grant said Jeff was one of his favorites along with LeBron and Kareem, and he has trained his ferrets to play basketball on a miniature goal. The ferrets mainly play five-on-five practice games, and Grant records them for YouTube. He also has custom-stitched jerseys for each ferret. “I have a special place in my man cave for Jeff’s jersey. It will be hung right above my CAA coach of the year trophy,” Grant said. Grant said he now is on the hunt for a new ferret to join his league. Jeff, he said, was more of a forward/post type player, so he will be looking for another ferret to fill that role. “I’ve looked at the local pet shops, but none of the ferrets available are quite as strong or have the vertical of Jeff,” Grant said. “I think I’m going to have to import one.”
Jerry the cat will replace Anthony Grant as the coach of men’s basketball. CW File, Photo Illustration by Ashley Atkinson
Jerry to become basketball coach By Kayla Montgomery | [Insert Something Witty Here]
Anthony Grant will spend his most of his newfound free time caring for his ferrets. CW File, Wikimedia Commons, Photo Illustration by Ashley Atkinson
Grant said that having a good post replacement is crucial. He recently founded the Tuscaloosa Ferret Basketball League, which is composed of five other teamsand will compete on Sundays. Jeff was a 2014 all-star at his position. Grant knows he needs to get at least a good defender if he wants a return to the championship. “I think the more time available I have dedicate to this team, the better,” Grant said. “We may have lost Jeff, but we will be much more prepared this season. Don’t count us out of contention yet.”
After dismissing former head coach Anthony Grant in early March, Athletic Director Bill Battle announced a new hire Tuesday for head coach of the Alabama basketball team. Taking the reigns of the program will not be once-favored Wichita State coach Gregg Marshall, but someone a bit smaller and quite a bit furrier: Jerry the cat. For years, Jerry has slinked around the Alabama golf facilities, familiarizing herself with the coaching ways of Jay Seawell and Mic Potter, making her an exceedingly qualified candidate for the vacant position. “After an extensive search for the successor to the Alabama basketball program, we believe that Alabama’s own Jerry the cat is the best option for the vacancy,” Battle said. “Not only does she have much experience surrounding championship programs, but she’s so darn cute and we believe her presence will increase the support for the team.” During its six years under Grant, the Crimson Tide accrued a combined record of 117-85, made three appearances in the National Invitation Tournament and one appearance in the NCAA Tournament. Battle said he believes Jerry will certainly be able to build on the last six years of the program and take the team to new heights. “We have all the confidence in the world
in that cat,” he said. “If one thing is certain, it’s that Jerry knows how to win. Granted, a lack of opposable thumbs may be a challenge for her, but The University of Alabama believes with the right support staff, Jerry will be the top coach this program has seen.” Though sad to see her leave her position as mascot of the golf teams, Seawell said he is happy Jerry’s impact on the golf teams is recognized on a larger scale and he wishes nothing but the best for the feline. “Of course we’ll be sad to see her go,” he said. “Jerry has been an integral part of this team for the last several years, and we undoubtedly would not have been successful without her guidance.” Details of Jerry’s contract have yet to be released, but she will certainly be the highest-paid cat in NCAA history and will have an endless flow of catnip to her office. It is also rumored that a designated catnap clause will be in the contract. “Despite a few of her wishes, Jerry is the least demanding coach we have ever hired,” Battle said. “Before long, we may have felines across the athletic department, as long as they learn to stop hissing at the media. We could have our own Sarah Catterson, Catrick Saban, Dennis Purrsley or Jenny Meownz.” As for Jerry, her goals for her career as coach are simple. “Meow,” she said.