URINE LUCK

words and photos by Emily Dressler

Over the years, Marissa and I have reviewed bathrooms at a diverse range of establishments. Some months, it probably seemed we had run out of cool places to go, like when we reviewed the digs at Acme, Marc’s, Aldi, Whole Foods or Mustard Seed. Obviously, we’ve always known that grocery stores are cool.

Whenever I go anywhere lately, even my routine actions feel surreal and it’s like I’m on another planet. Minus one trip to the optometrist’s (an essential trip, I swear), I haven’t been anywhere new since the middle of March. Even when I do go to the grocery store, the last thing I want to do is use the restroom. Are we allowed to use them still? According to my source at the Highland Square Mustard Seed, shoppers are still using the fi rst-fl oor bathrooms. I guess if you don’t have hand sanitizer or a pair of cross-contamination gloves you’ve been wearing for hours because you think it keeps you clean, you might want to use the bathroom to wash your hands. I don’t know. I can’t tell what makes sense anymore.

All this is a long-winded way of telling you that I am reviewing my own bathroom this month. This is when you realize that the cobbler’s children have no shoes. We have a half bathroom in our basement and a full bathroom on our main fl oor. Actually, the one in the basement has a toilet and showerstall but no sink, so I guess it’s a three-quarters bath instead of a half-bath. There is a utility sink just outside of it and, when it didn’t have a leak, a kitchen-type sink in the basement that you could use for washing your hands.

The main fl oor bathroom gets the most foot traffi c. It has a yellow color scheme, which in retrospect seems gross for a bathroom because yellow is the color of pee. Half the walls are cream-colored tile, which is a look I really like for bathrooms. The cream-colored title sort of matches the bland vinyl fl ooring. I would like a livelier tile on the walls and some gray slate fl ooring, but that’s really the only bathroom remodeling idea I have, and I’m not even sure it makes sense. I’m not a very good decorator or cleaner or typical person. I hate doing things and I hate paying people to do things.

I think this bathroom also has every color of metal fi nish that exists, so I guess we need to work on some uniformity?

The bathroom is not large. If you sit on the toilet, your knees come precariously close to bumping the bathtub. There is a closet in here, and thank goodness, because otherwise we wouldn’t have anywhere to put all our bathroom accouterments (i.e., junk). The closet, like the rest of the bathroom, needs to be cleaned.

The wall art is a painting of a toilet that my husband did. He did the painting during Twin Peaks: The Return, so it also features a black and white fl oor and heavy red curtains.

Honestly, if I were rating this bathroom — which I am — I would give it 2 out of 5 toilets.

// Emily Dressler has been writing about Akron bathrooms since 2016…(or whatever Marissa puts for her bio because she is always right).

MARISSA’S HOME

words and photos by Marissa Marangoni

Urine Luck friends, how are you?

No, really, how are you? I hope you’re cutting yourself some slack when you don’t get dressed all day or eat all the things or just lie in bed for a lot of time instead of being productive. Pandemic productivity is not required.

For the fi rst time in Urine Luck history, we cannot report on the state of public bathrooms. However, ever since Emily and I started this column, we’ve considered reviewing our own personal bathrooms, and this seems to be the perfect opportunity to do so.

There are two bathrooms in my house. This month, I will tell you about the downstairs bathroom. It is conveniently located near the two downstairs bedrooms, but not so near that what goes on in said bathroom will alert the olfactory senses of anyone asleep in said bedrooms.

This bathroom has been through two remodels, and I’m feeling a third is on its way in the coming months if we are stuck here much longer. The current design features dark gray walls with white paneling. I think the offi cial term for this sort of wall stuff is “wainscoting,” but I hesitate to apply such a fancy word to my un-fancy bathroom. Included in this unfanciness is a white-formerly-pink bathtub that is currently being ruined by our well water, some extremely cluttered shelving, and a vanity that was painted electric blue in a moment of artistic inspiration that I think I may now regret.

I think the majority of the bathrooms I review are kind of boring when it comes to things to look at, but this space is overwhelmed with details as far as the eye can see — which isn’t very far considering you can reach the sink from the shower and wash your hands and your feet while you’re sitting on the toilet. To call this bathroom “crowded” would be an understatement.

My favorite feature of this bathroom is the wall art. It was created by the resident artist (me) back in 2013, upcycled from a terrible off-center pumpkin painting that no one ever asked for but had been living in my basement. Above the toilet is where this art hangs: a small, electric blue canvas painted to match the vanity, with bold white letters that spell, “POOP.” I really love that the viewer of this piece can take what they need from it, whether that be encouragement, a decree, a statement of the condition of the world, or something I have yet to think of.

This bathroom is too small, too busy, and could really use a good cleaning. It’s a fi ne bathroom for a house, I guess, and I really don’t need that nice of one considering there is a small person who regularly messes it up. As a result, cleaning this bathroom feels a bit defeating, but I keep doing it, and losing. It’s a gross place. It’s mostly not my fault.

Anyway, my downstairs bathroom gets a 2.5 out of 5 for its lack of cleanliness, overwhelming aesthetic, and diffi cult size. It is not cute or cozy--it’s annoyingly small, but all its parts function and it has that one great piece of poop art. In addition to the art, there is one other saving grace to this bathroom: the recently added bidet. Yes, that’s right, in the midst of the TP panic of 2020, I was one of those people who ordered a bidet toilet attachment. Tune in next month to hear more on that.

Color, doodle and decorate this freely. Then hang it in your window for your neighbors to see!

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