The Eagle -- March 29, 2011

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ANON ASS AT / FRIDAY

)$'**+#,-%.%/0#1 We totally forgot to caption this photo. We’ll get it next year, we promise.

AU sophomores Jane Jones and Mike Smith are proud to announce that they are no longer alone, thanks to Eagle Rants.

Jones and Smith met online after publically ranting about their solo statuses on Eagle Rants.

Jones lamented the lack of decent, single men on campus in a rant in which she said, “I’m funny and marginally pretty, but no one notices me.”

“I don’t put myself out there or go to parties, but I shouldn’t have too,” Jones ranted, adding that if any “nice guys” exist on campus, they should go find her. “I’ll probably be

in a North side dormitory lounge, eating Cheetos and watching Glee,” she said.

Later that day, Smith submitted a rant in which he said, “I’m so sick of girls claiming there aren’t any nice guys on campus! I’M RIGHT HERE! Doesn’t ANYONE just want to rent some anime and cuddle?”

Luckily, neither of the students had any plans that night and spent the evening browsing CollegeACB and Eagle Rants, where they saw each other’s posts. After reading Jones’ rant, Smith combed the lounges until he found her.

“I saw this girl with cheese crumbs all over her AU T-shirt and just knew,”

Smith said.

Jones said the pair immediately hit it off, and plan to have their first date tomorrow night at TDR. “We’re going to sit in the balcony section where all the romantic seating is and giggle awkwardly about how cute we are,” Jones said.

Although the pair just met, they are already “Facebook official” and were spotted this morning holding hands in a Letts Hall lounge.

“It was love at first rant,” Smith said, with a grin face. “Now neither of us will be forever alone.”

!"#$%&"'()*(+,%-./(%$0$#%)$--*(+%.*).%"(%1*2$ !"#$%$&#$'($' The Drug Enforcement Administration announced in a press release today that it is investigating a recent trend of young Americans getting “high on life.”

The DEA decided to investigate the matter after receiving an “alarming” number of police reports from across the country, describing interactions with people who were “far too happy to be sober,” a DEA official said.

“This stuff is serious, and it’s in our schools,” a police spokesman said. Police reports indicate that college students are the most frequent users of “life” or “happiness,” as it is sometimes called.

“Between the stress of schoolwork and student loans, no college student should be that exuberant,” the spokesman said.

“When we see these kids, standing around in their college hoodies and smiling like a bunch of carefree loons, we know what they’re smiling about, and

we take them down.”

MPD has reported 243 instances of individuals being “high on life,” but has been unable to identify the substance, as officers have never actually seen it.

“I don’t know what ‘life’ looks like, how it’s ingested, what crazy chemicals are in it, or where it’s produced, but somehow these kids are getting their hands on it, and they’re using it to get high,” an official said. “Some freedom-hating terrorist is probably mixing it in Bin Laden’s dirty bathtub as we speak.”

Although police reported an increasing number of people being “unnaturally happy,” officers have been unable to seize any samples of the drug, leaving its identity a mystery.

“We know they’re excessively happy, but they’re never carrying the drugs,” MPD officer Joe Smith said. “These kids make evidence disappear faster than a gang of delinquent magicians.”

MPD is also considering the possibility that the

drug is invisible, which would explain officers’ inability to locate even a small amount of the substance.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if those wacko drug designers have developed an invisibility shield of some kind,” a DEA official said.

“They’ll do anything to suck your children into their life of squalor, including lacing their drugs with dangerous, stealthinducing chemicals.”

Although officials cannot describe the substance, they have been able to identify its effects, and are advising parents and community members to report anyone who seems “a little too happy.”

Side effects of “life” include elevated heart rate, cheerful whistling, chapped lips and cheek pain due to excessive smiling, irresponsible decisions, amiably chatting with strangers and, in extreme cases, skipping. If anyone is observed smiling for a period lasting longer than five minutes, the police advise calling an ambulance.

Courtesy of Drug Enforcement Agency

)2*,3#!45,-#1 This image circulated as part of a DEA flyer illustrates the signs and symptoms of being ‘high on life,’ including excessive happiness, man-hugs and risk of overdosing on pure awesomeness.

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!"#$$%&'%()*%$#+$%,-./01%+&23(% 4&%5&56-7-%809#/4:054$ !"#(%-#(%-# Literally every single high school student eyeing American University anticipates majoring in the School of International Service, an ongoing study holds.

According to the current returns of an extensive multi-week surveying of prospective future Eagles,

ent’s money for a degree that I could have gotten for cheaper and better somewhere else.”

“Oh god, it’s true,” Lang added. “It’s all true!”

Although hundreds of the students polled would be much better suited studying biology, art, mathematics, American history, public affairs, or literally any other field than the ones in

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It appears that the school, with its ideal location in the heart of D.C. and its highly visible Wonk campaign, has succeeded in its mission to bring the most qualified and diverse cast of exclusively SIS majors in the school’s history.

“I’ve crunched the numbers, and they don’t seem to make sense,” said puzzled and endangered College of Arts and Sciences student and math major Aiden Lang. “I mean, the Kogod School just grew an enormous amount. Our School of Communication is due to get a brand new building.

There’s internship opportunity of every stripe, not just for international issues. Yet all any visitor can talk about is that the new SIS building is ‘Certified Green’ and that they can’t wait to start learning Farsi.”

“Maybe it’s my fault. Am I doing something wrong?”

An increasingly agitated Lang asked. “I must be doing something wrong. I’m a failure of a statistician.

Maybe they’re right. Maybe math isn’t a real major here after all. I should have stayed at my state school to study like my mom wanted.

Then maybe I wouldn’t feel like I was wasting my par-

SIS, all polled unanimously agreed that if one was attending AU, the only logical choice is to join the large and stellar SIS program, at the expense of the multiple other large and stellar programs which AU offers and may offer more success.”

“American has one of the best peace and conflict resolution programs in the nation,” said Emily Smith, 16, a talented trombonist with the potential to become a great musician one day. “I can’t wait to learn about international relations with 1,500 of my peers, all of whom are seeking the same limited positions as me.”

“I mean, as long I as intern somewhere, I’m sure to get a job in IR somewhere.”

Smith offered. “Right?”

The vast majority of those interviewed in person expressed surprise that other schools of education even existed on campus, despite the fact that these schools were clearly listed as options on the written survey taken before interviews.

“You mean I can apply to a ‘Ko-god Business School’ while at American?” asked a clearly perplexed Michael Dettman, 17, who will realize in 15 years that he hates his life and attempt to start over with accounting classes at his local community college. “Why would you bother with business schools when you’re in DC?”

“You’re in the nation’s capital, with all its resources!

You’re right near Embassy Row! The world is at your fingertips!” he exclaimed to nobody in particular.

While the prospective students themselves were quite excited about the idea of a 100 percent SIS Class of 2015, others were less excited. President Neil Kerwin in particular seemed to have a hard time accepting the apparent willingness of a future student body to ignore “Wonk” characteristics and instead follow the crowd, “This university puts an incredible amount of money into this advertising campaign,” Kerwin complained. “We try our very hardest to make American University a place where people of all backgrounds and interests can come and learn. Instead, we’ve landed a collection of people who only know of our university for its international program. Now a huge proportion of them will not gain employment, and therefore resent AU for the rest of their lives. Even those who do find work right out of school will be in low-paying government jobs for the most part, and nobody will have the money to give back to the university when we ask, harming our growth and prestige in general.”

“Jesus Christ,” Kerwin added.

Still, some are excited about the change. Senior Martin Taylor, 22, was enthusiastic. “SIS is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me,” he claimed. “I came here with an undetermined major, but thinking I loved business. Then, shortly into freshman year, I was talked into joining SIS by a bunch of my friends, and I haven’t looked back. International service is something any student should be able to get behind.”

When asked how his job prospects after graduation were looked, Taylor froze.

“Uhm,” he said. “Boy, is it hot in here.”

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!"#$%&'#(&)#*+)),# Next time you go to an AU basketball game, you won’t be seeing Clawed Z. Eagle cheering on his team.

As part of the continued wonk campaign, AU plans to retire Clawed’s talons to make room for a new WONK mascot.

The new wonk mascot has cost the University an estimated $9 million.

“Actually, there’s really no way of knowing how much it has cost the University in terms of man-hours spent on the project,” AU official Belinder Gates said. “President Kerwin actually instructed all employees to spend their days doodling wonk mascot prototypes.”

AU hasn’t yet settled on a specific design for the wonk mascot.

“The WONK is the new face of AU and represents exactly the kind of people AU students are: extremely nerdy, socially awkward and generally unattractive,” Gates said.

Gates said that the Eagle brand just wasn’t fitting AU’s image the way wonk would.

“I mean what words come to mind when you think of an eagle? Soaring, majestic, patriotic,” Gates said. “The only thing these pinko-loving libs are soaring on is from their stash.”

AU has had some difficulty developing what a “wonk” will actually look like. Millions of dollars have been spent on focus groups that include panels of current students, alumni, faculty and staff. The

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group was shown other unorthodox mascots like Fashion Institute of Technology’s Fighting Cabbie and the Kenosha State Guodas.

Professor Plum, a teacher in CAS, suggested that the new mascot represent the student body as closely as possible.

“I think the WONK should give off a very pretentious attitude and act like he knows all the answers in class, but is really just be messin’ around on Facebook,” said Anna Graham, a senior in SIS. “The wonk should probably be transported frequently and pull fire alarms at least 100 times per semester! JUST LIKE REAL AU STUDENTS!” said Winsom Lusum, a Tenley resident who came to the focus group because she thought it was an ANC meeting.

AU officials who supervised the panel said some progress was made brainstorming ideas, but that

they still haven’t found the perfect mascot.

“For a while we were thinking that the WONK would look like an Indian with a hatchet and colonists’ scalps but there were some problems with that,” said one AU official “Apparently a team in D.C. already has something similar.”

AU has also hired an artist to begin concept designs of the wonk to the tune of 3,000 students’ financial aid.

“I’m not really sure yet where I’m going with it, but I’m working on it,” says Matt Tress, an artist who once did “freelance” work on a bench near the Central Park Zoo and smells vaguely of pot.

“So far, I’ve drawn a lot of wonks with big heads and little bodies, wonks driving dune buggies, wonks surfing,” Tress said. “I can also draw wonks that look like Al Pacino from Scarface but we haven’t had any takers on that one.”

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graced the small screen in a few years, he’s left an impression on the big screen.

It’s been rumored that the 2009 comedy hit, “The Hangover,” was based on a yet-unreleased memoir that Feeny had written a few years back.

In an interview with The Eagle, Feeny set aside all rumors once and for all, admitting that his bachelor party was essentially the plot of the film.

“But without the roofies,” Feeny said. “Definitely without the roofies. That shit is not cool.”

Though Feeny is now divorced, he’s a staple on the Hollywood social scene merely because of the arm candy he’s seen with. Swirling rumors and many a scandalous photo have linked him to starlets such as Scarlett Johannson, Mila Kunis and, unsurprisingly, mega babe Betty White, whom he fondly described as “a blast in a glass, to borrow a colloquial phrase from my girl Deena on ‘The Jersey Shore.’ ” When asked how he keeps fit, especially at such an old age, Feeny’s answer is surprisingly youthful: “I like to go running everyday with my friend Chuck [Norris]. We do a little boxing, a little jujitsu — but sometimes I have to take it Courtesy of PLAYBOY easy on the old guy,” Feeny said, with a devilish grin. &%,-*#./0)#12*3#.'',$#4 This is Mr. Feeny. That’s right. THE Mr. Feeny. April 2 is his goddamn birthday With such a young spirit, and if you’re not there, you’re a goddamn loser.

Feeny’s birthday preparations this year are likely to top his past ones. The selfdescribed dubstep enthusiast drops a few juicy tidbits, like that deejays Skrillex, Rusko and Bassnectar will all be sharing musical duties.

“I take music very seriously,” Feeny said. “I once didn’t Diddy’s mansion in Miami, himself, a teacher and prin- speak to Mr. Matthews for !"#$%$%#&'()*%+ the year before when he cipal at John Adams Junior a whole year, just because This Satuday, April 2, is held it at his private Tuscan and High School. The show he pronounced deadmau5 practically a national holi- villa and — probably the followed him to a brief stint wrong.” most notorious — his 81st, as a professor at Pennbrook Considering that in the day.

Famed thespian, profes- when he welcomed his old University, but Feeny left af- past stars like Jay-Z, Halle sor and all-around badass age at the Playboy mansion ter an amazing seven years, Berry, the entire cast of “JerGeorge Hamilton Feeny is with close friend Hugh Hef- winning a slew of accolades sey Shore,” Pee-Wee Hercelebrating his 84th year on ner. It was at that party that and a coterie of ever-grow- man, both Noel and Liam Gallagher (in the same room the planet in his wildly infa- Playboy bunnies wore the ing fans in the process. now infamous Feeny Bikinis After leaving the show, no less!), Megan Fox, Eric mous style.

Feeny’s birthday parties, (be warned — googling this Feeny went all over the and Cory Matthews, Neil or “Feeny Fiestas” as they’ve is NSFW) and served Feeny world, teaching English in Kerwin (no relation) and been dubbed in the press, Martinis (Four Loko, gin many different countries the late, great, famed recluse and picking up an astound- J.D. Salinger have attended have been the biggest ragers and two olives).

Feeny became a star when ing five languages on the Feeny Fiestas, there’s no sayof the year. And he always brings the party in a whole he was on the groundbreak- way (Swahili, Arabic, Rus- ing what Feeny’s birthday ing, documentary-style tel- sian, French and Italian, if will hold this year. Viva la new way.

Feeny Feeny Fee-hee-heeny!

There was last year’s epic evision show “Boy Meets you must know).

Even though he hasn’t dance party at his friend World,” where he played

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&>G-?#<>=="H#">I# J=>KDKL"#ADM@G-?# A@D=N#>O#?A@P#777 !"#567#580# '&9:'*#5'#*%# ;<=>?@#?ABC#"@D=C#DE>F In the world of independent music, it is impossible to approach a new release without first tacking a subgenre onto it. Death-twee, Yanomami-core and Portuguese fado-metal instantly spring to mind. However, as the audience at DC9 is sure to witness on April 1, Brooklyn quintet Crystal Beaches delivers a low-fidelity aesthetic that has yet to be defined by a subgenre.

It is difficult to pinpoint from which decade Crystal Beaches’ grungy, plaid-enshrouded sound hails, but the waves of guitar fuzz on the band’s new release “Farinaceous Formaldehyde” deliver a welcome breath of skuzzy, stale air. In 2011’s bleak indie scene dominated by post-Limp Bizkit numetal, Crystal Beaches are garage rock’s only hope.

Crystal Beaches’ turbulent history is even more exciting than its minimalistthemed Tumblr. Lead singer Bundick Chaz belonged to the Children of God cult as a child and was homeless for most of his teenage years. He eventually crossed paths with the other four members of the band, who had all met at Nebraska Wesleyan University. Crystal Beaches was formed after Chaz responded to the guys’ Craigslist ad for a mediocre Elvis Costello-sounding vocalist, and the band made a fateful decision to relocate to Brooklyn, despite the borough’s significant lack of an indie rock community.

Crystal Beaches was quickly discovered by Grizzly Bear bassist/producer Chris Taylor and signed to his Terrible Records label. The band preceded to release a split 7’’ with label mate Henry Clay Aiken, both purveying the same sort of bland glohorrorcore that fans have come to expect from Taylor.

However, the quintet was unceremoniously kicked

off the label after Chaz was found to be responsible for a series of drunken tweets that mocked Grizzly Bear’s Volkswagen commercial.

After a brief yet tragic stint at Fat Possum where Crystal Beaches’ drummer was brutally decapitated

by Nathan Williams, the band sold their guitars and bought turntables, looking to cash in on the post-2009, Nintendo-crust metal trend.

However, internal disputes over the band’s vintage JX 3P Roland synthesizer and Bundick Chaz’s bath salts addiction drove Crystal Beaches apart.

For a few months, the members of the band pursued their own side projects, which included synth-grime duo Cr(yst)al Beach(e)s and chillrave collective Ira Glass.

Neither project gained the necessary baseline Pitchfork rating of 7.4 to be taken seriously, so Crystal Beaches was forced to reunite with Chaz, who had been living in a Williamsburg subway station, to record its quadruple LP, rap-rock opera “Pizzashevsky Circle.”

“Pizzashevsky” was hailed as genius by no less than 11 major blogs, and after hit single “It’s Chill, Brostoyevsky” appeared in a Reese’s Cups advertisement, the band signed to Captured Tracks.

Needing a change of scenery, the band members relocated to rural Quebec to record “Formaldehyde” in their personal cathedral.

The band returned to the States following the release of “Formaldehyde” for a tour of the nation’s blue states.

Crystal Beaches play DC9 on Friday, accompanied by Mongolian thrash trio Alfred Drey-fuzz and Cults.

Don’t miss this night full of DC’s hippest twenty-somethings folding their arms and moving as little as possible while gazing glassy-eyed at the smoke machine.

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Courtesy of UNIVERSITY ARCHIVES AND SPECIAL COLLECTIONS, AMERICAN UNIVERSITY LIBRARY

!"#$%&%'()*(+(The temporary laboratories on campus were so contaminated with chemicals that the Army had to burn them down.

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This story is the fourth in a series investigating World War I-era chemical weapons and equipment buried under AU’s campus and in the Spring Valley neighborhood.

By the time the Army finished its World War I chemical warfare testing at AU, the

South side of campus had become known as “No Man’s Land.”

In 1919, as part of the soldiers’ training, they set up projectiles in a pit in a forested area behind what is now the intramural soccer field.

Soldiers would fire projectiles filled with gases or incendiary chemicals hundreds of yards into forested, vacant land.

“No Man’s Land” was peppered with debris and deep

gashes left in the ground by the Army’s exploding projectiles — many of which were abandoned there after the tests were complete.

These projectiles were tested on animals. George Temple, head engineer of AU’s motor maintenance department during the war, observed the Army’s training as he worked on campus. Temple volunteered several times for chemical experiments that left his skin blistered and scarred.

Temple told The Eagle in 1965 that hundreds of stray dogs were rounded up in the streets of Washington, D.C. and brought back to AU to be test subjects.

One of the buildings constructed at Camp AU was a dog hospital, which monitored dogs, goats and other animals injured by war gas experiments.

In one test, projectiles were filled with cyanogen chloride, a toxic gas that can cause paralysis, loss of consciousness and death.

A December 1918 report from a division of Camp AU’s chemical warfare researchers, the “Pyrotechnic Section,” recorded the experiment’s gruesome results.

“The five goats and two dogs placed to the left of the projectile, together with the two goats nearest to the Livens [projectile] on the right, were killed,” the report said. “The next two goats to the right of the projectile gave light casualties.”

Eventually, World War I ended and the U.S. government no longer needed to house soldiers at AU. As the men packed up and moved out, the !

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AU’s endowment increased by 14.6 percent, or $48 million, from last December.

The endowment is the interest made on donations to the University. The interest is spent according to the donor’s stipulations, but the original donation is never touched.

AU’s endowment is worth $418 million as of Dec. 30, 2010, a significant growth from last year’s $370 million from December 2009, according to Douglas Kudravetz, associate vice president of finance and assistant treasurer.

The average increase this year for schools with endowments between $100 and $500 million was 11.9 percent, lower than AU’s 14.6 percent growth.

Kudravetz said the endowment grew due to more donations from AU alumni.

“We outperform our peer group, and the group that’s larger than we are [endowments of $500 million to $1 billion], we’re outperforming them as well,” Kudravetz said.

Last year’s endowment grew by 33 percent, the largest single-year increase AU has experienced.

Other D.C. schools have much larger endowments, but Kudravetz said he does not think this harms AU as an institution.

“Georgetown and GW have endowments that are about $1 billion, and ours is half that,” Kudravetz said.

Kudravetz said AU’s small endowment is a result of the low numbers of endowed gifts given in past years.

“A lot of [alumni] go to jobs where they’re not accumulating a lot of wealth,” Kudravetz said.

President of the Alumni Board Erin Fuller said she believes the endowment will grow as the AU community becomes more close-knit, like at other schools.

“Harvard has a rich culture there,” Fuller said.

“Alumni are expected to support the University going forward. ” The Alumni Relations Office has stepped up alumni engagement this year by reaching out to AU alumni through events and e-mails, according to Abbey Silberman Fagin, assistant vice president of development.

“When people are engaged and involved and informed, they like to give,” Fagin said.

Fagin said that while AU alumni contribute to the University financially, they also contribute to the student body through mentorships, lectures and networking.

“It’s important for alumni to know they’re always going to be a part of the family,” Fagin said. “We’re doing these things because we want them to come back.”

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NEWS

IN THIS ISSUE

Eagle rants (3), RHA (4), McBride (7)

OPINION

& & )

Letter to the Editor, Shapiro column

SCENE

'(

Film festival (10), Devotchka (11)

SPORTS

'*

Lacrosse, MLB

!

0-74?/@,%--"?A-=/A4/-B$=3

since MARCH 21

SG presidential hopeful Ibraheem Samirah summoned to court 2. SG Election 2011 (Flash feature) 3. The Eagle’s 2011 Student Government endorsements 4. Student Government election results 5. Eagle rants

CORRECTIONS

MISSION

The Eagle, a student-run newspaper at the American University, serves the community by reporting news involving the campus community and surrounding areas. The Eagle strives to be impartial in its reporting and believes firmly in its First Amendment rights.

SUBMISSION AND EDITORIAL POLICIES

All submissions become the property of The Eagle. Unsigned letters will not be published. The Eagle reserves the right to edit letters and guest columns for length and clarity. Letters and columns may be published in print or online. Letters and columns are the opinion of the writer and not the newspaper. !"

The Eagle has a commitment to accuracy and clarity and will print any corrections or clarifications. To report a mistake, call the editor in chief at (202) 8851402 or e-mail editor@theeagleonline.com.

!"

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“Glad to see all the @americanu advertisements around DC - thats my alma mater and proud to be a wonk!” @marlonibrown, March 26 “I love @AmericanU’s definition of “priority” registration, basically pushing day to register for classes up by one day. Makes no sense!” @ericwilkens, March 24 “Dear @AmericanU, you’re turning me into a gay rights #WONK” @kthiebel, March 24

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“Ward, the dav, and the mudbox @AmericanU all only take cash.

Guess ill be going to the starbucks in tenley....” @samanthalogy, March 23

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In “1919: Army unleashes deadly chemical gases on AU’s campus,” the headline misstated the year. In fact, the Chemical Warfare Service did the most testing in 1918.

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“Missed the debate Sunday, so now I’m fb stalking @AmericanU SG presidential candidates to decide who i want to vote for #apatheticvoter” @samlent, March 23

EDITORIAL STAFF

Sam Yolen Bobby Jones Alexander Robinson Kasturi Puntambekar Jonathon Gaynes

TUESDAY 29

WEDNESDAY 30

THURSDAY 31

FRIDAY 1

SATURDAY 2

SUNDAY 3

SigEpic Comedy Night 8 - 10 p.m.

WHERE: Mary Graydon Center 1 WHAT: Comedian Steve Hofstetter, who is featured on many radio and television shows, will perform as part of Greek Week. The show is open to all AU students.

CONTACT: AUGreekWeek@ gmail.com

Discussion: European Financial Crisis 3 - 5:30 p.m.

WHERE: School of International Service Founder’s Room WHAT: AU economics professors will hold a panel on the current European financial crisis.

CONTACT: Catherine Favier-Kelly at ipfp@american.edu

Movie: “Defamation” 5:30 - 8 p.m.

WHERE: Wechsler Theater (MGC 315) WHAT: A film screening of “Defamation,” which examines how anti-Semitism affects Israeli and U.S. politics, will be followed by a discussion with its director and professors in the field.

CONTACT: Angelica Das at das@american.edu

Literacy in Africa 6 - 8 p.m.

WHERE: SIS Founder’s Room WHAT: This panel will discuss literacy rates in Africa and how to improve them.

CONTACT: Noelina Nakiguli at newau.aso@gmail.com

Spring Policy Conference 9 a.m. - 3 p.m.

WHERE: East Quad Building Lounge WHAT: The School of Public Affairs Graduate Student Council will hold its second annual Spring Policy Conference.

CONTACT: spa@american. edu

Safe Space Sticker Training 3 - 6 p.m.

WHERE: MGC 245 WHAT: The Safe Space Sticker Program provides a network of support for the GLBTA community on campus. This workshop examines assumptions about gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people and explores the impact of heterosexism and homophobia.

CONTACT: Matthew Bruno at glbta@american. edu

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EAGLE RANTS Want an answer to your rant? E-mail your queries to our advice bloggers at compass@theeagleonline. com.

It’s almost April, which means there’s almost only one month of classes left, which means it’s almost finals, which means it’s almost summer! Right?

Right!?!? !"

!" The (National) Mall is home to some of the strangest characters on Earth, I swear …

Dear AU, 60 minutes does not dry my clothing. I pay $3.00 to do my laundry and I shouldn’t have to lay my clothing all over my room in an attempt to get it dry. !"

For reals. 72 minutes was great. I enjoy it when my clothes come out of the DRYer dry. Is that absurd? !" Begin rant. Anger Anger Anger, snide comment, annoyance, well placed, thought out joke.

End rant.

Dear Library, It’s the 21st century. We use laptops now. Get some damn outlets. xoxo, FRICK WHY IS MY LAPTOP DYING?! !"

WONK is almost as bad as the Roosevelt Institute.

Can we just get rid of both of them, and make the campus respectable again? !"

!" Hodine: I am an alumni, and on the Metro the other day I heard current AU students talking about how easy it is to get into the dorms, that you can still just follow people in and that the front desk doesn’t care … I am disappointed you have not improved security of the dorms or hired better staff in 6 years!!!!! I worked the front desk and cared about my job and stopped people. You need to improve, until you do, no money from me. !" Dear Miss Sniffles every 3 seconds for 2 hours straight, It’s called a tissue. Toilet paper works just fine too.

There are bathrooms on every floor of every building on campus. Get off

CLASSIFIEDS your ass and blow your nose (and grab some tissue for later too).

Sincerely, -annoyed !" SG elections are so much more dramatic than they need to be. Hasn’t pretty much EVERYONE been sanctioned at this point? I get that there are legitimate ethical violations that occur, but I don’t think that drawing something too big in chalk justifies a sanction.

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Sitters Wanted. $12 or more per hour.

Register free for jobs near campus or home. www.student-sitters.com

Mystery Shopper (part time)

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Looking for upbeat & articulate female, 21 to 24 years old. $50/hr. Retail or restaurant exper. pref ’d. Approx.

5-7 hrs/wk - flexible days. Car & driver license req’d. email resume: SBMJunk@GMail.com !"#$%&'(%)*("&%+,-. /01,'&#".$ 213#"4%50$$1'"4&-"0'

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Serious. Passionate. Professional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

For more information, contact communication@american.edu or visit our Web site at www.american.edu/soc

!

Our goal is to send out graduates who can see a problem, understand what to do, attack that problem and be able to solve it creatively.”

—Leonard Steinhorn Professor, Public Communication

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!"#C)%<)*D#%&<E, Eagle Staff Writer

Non-AU guests visiting residence halls would be required to sign into dorms and submit identification information under a proposed Residence Hall Association resolution. When residents claim outside guests, they would be held responsible for any damages done by the guests. AU students who have misplaced their IDs would also be required to provide their AUID numbers to front desk personnel, according to the resolution. Tenley Campus Representative Hussein Salama sponsored the resolution in hopes of preventing visitors from causing problems and holding those responsible for damage. “We’ve had

a lot of students who’ve come in who weren’t claimed by proper people, and I’ve noticed it’s a problem,” Salama said The new regulations still need to be proposed to Housing and Dining Programs and other organizations that it would affect, particularly the Department of Public Safety because the changes involve security concerns.

Only then can it become actual policy, said RHA President Anthony Dunham. But any changes to security policy take some time to change, he added.

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!"#*)%<EG#H)*)$ Eagle Staff Writer

The Leonard Formal Lounge will reopen next month as a new study and social space for North side residents.

Housing and Dining chose to renovate the Leonard Formal Lounge because of previous student feedback.

Many students expressed a desire for more places to study on campus during final exams, according to Julie Eller, assistant director of Training and Leadership Development for Housing and Dining.

The lounge is scheduled to open around April 18, depending on how long it takes Facilities Management to paint and furnish the room, Eller said. It will be available for use through the end of the semester.

Hours of operation will

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tentatively be 8 p.m. to midnight, but are subject to change based on student feedback. Housing and Dining will initially use these four hours for the lounge because it is when most students used McDowell Hall’s former North Area Recreation Center, a similar social space, last year.

“With finals coming up, it’s another space to offer students to study,” she said. “It’ll be nice to have a space other than the library for North side students to go.”

The lounge will differ from the Leonard Chancery — another student lounge — in its size and more secluded location, which provides fewer distractions, according to Eller. Unlike the Perch — a study and social area on South side — the lounge will not serve food or drinks.

Eller said the lounge will be staffed by Housing and Dining student employees through the end of the school year, but several job openings will be offered campus-wide through the AU student jobs website next semester.

“Residents will be able to check out a [Nintendo] Wii if they are interested, as well as a variety of games,” Eller said.

Sofa-like chairs with lamps and square tables for pair or group studying and other furniture will be added to the back of the room, which is being designed as a reading space. The front of the room will feature a flat-screen television and an L-shaped couch for large groups and social events, according to Eller.

Money for the project comes from a project budget of $20,000, which is funded by commissions from Housing and Dining’s vendor sales, such as lofts and rental refrigerators, Eller said.

The space will undergo further decoration changes during the summer before reopening next semester. Eller said Housing and Dining hopes to get student input when renaming the lounge in the fall.

BA4B40123..456.7-68-.9:7;

!"##$%&##$% '(#)%*'%+,,% -*./#)*!"#$%&''#()*'+*),& Eagle Contributing Writer

This year’s Greek Week will be open to the entire AU community and not restricted to just greek members.

This year’s Greek Week will include an eight-day festival to commemorate the philanthropic efforts by those involved in greek life at the University, according to members of the Greek Programming Board.

Lisa Snider, a member of the Greek Programming Board and a Phi Mu sister, said one of Greek Week’s goals is to create an inclusive environment for non-greek students.

“The most important part about Greek Week is not just improving relations between the various fraternities and sororities, but to improve the relationship between students who are part of Greek life and students that aren’t,” Snider said.

AU students will be able to participate in eight of the week’s 11 events. Only greek members can participate in the Greek God and Goddess Competition, the AEPhi Phollies talent show and the Greek Games.

Non-greek students will be permitted at these three events as spectators, Snider said.

Greek Week will last an entire week this year, for the first time in years, according to Carter Gibson, a member of the Greek Programming Board and a brother of Delta Tau Delta.

Greek Week kicked off Sunday night with the Opening Ceremonies. Events throughout the week will range from a comedy night, competitions, fundraisers, Relay for Life and a movie night.

The expectations for the week are high among members of the Programming Board, as the level of scheduling being done is larger than in any previous year, according to Snider.

The theme of this year’s Greek Week is “Classic Greek.”

This year’s budget, with fundraising included, is more than $8,500, nearly $2,000 more than last year, she said.

-./0123..456.7-68-.9:7;

BUSINESS@THEEAGLEONLINE.COM

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ADVERTISE IN THE EAGLE

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,

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

:"/,+,8'6$',*+38(*;)"38;##*6'3!<<*6'83'*3 %!'3:=3$3>,*)!+.!3:%$,+8'3?*/!+3:.'3%6$+' Since last June, members of the Sexual Assault Working Group’s grant committee have worked tirelessly to create an application for the Department of Justice Violence Against Women Act campus grant. This committee is comprised of administrators and students, who have worked to create a proposal that requires the approval of the administration to happen.

If AU were to win such a grant, the university would receive over $300,000 over the course of three years to provide services for victims of sexual assault.

All the way through the process of drafting this proposal, the administration has indicated that it would sign off on necessary requirements that would allow for AU to receive grant money. The administration’s recent refusal to sign off on the

proposal is due to concerns over the mandatory education requirement of the grant, which would require all incoming AU students to take an online education course about sexual assault, almost exactly like AlcoholEdu. If students failed to complete such a course, a stop would be placed on their student accounts, just like with AlcoholEdu. The importance of what AU could do with the money it receives from the Violence Against Women Act Campus Grant cannot be overstated. Almost 7 percent of AU students were victims of unwanted sexual touching or fondling in 2008. That’s almost 400 of our fellow students who were victims of sexual assault. The year before, around 200 American University students responded to the survey that they had unwanted sexual

01$/$234.56,"!3+!!"3'*3 #$73/*6!3'($+3),#38!69,.!3 '*3:/!6,.$+3"6!$/ SMARTER THAN I LOOK

CONOR SHAPIRO Pennsylvania, Kansas, Ohio, North Carolina — what do these four states have in common? No, they’re not battleground states in 2012. These states represent the homes of the top four seeds in the 2011 March Madness tournament. They’re the favorites, the powerhouses.

Our selector-in-chief President Barack Obama was asked to fill out a bracket

and the basketball-loving southpaw happily obliged.

He chose each top seed to make the Final Four. No big deal, right?

As a Democrat, Obama is hailed as an advocate of the lower and middle classes (in theory). He’s responsible for preserving the increasingly disintegrating American dream — heck, at least keeping our delusions of grandeur alive.

A dream where a son of a white mother and black father can be raised with help from grandparents in the middle class and one day preside over fat cats like the Winklevoss’s and Rockefellers.

By refusing to pick even one dark horse for a Cinderella

intercourse. That is 200 students who were raped; 200 real people that are not just nameless, faceless statistics. They are our fellow students who sit down next to us in class, stand in line next to us in TDR and stand waiting for the shuttle next to us, all the while bearing the burden of what they went through.

The students of American University have shown that they stand firmly in support of the victims of sexual assault and rape: last year over 400 students attended Take Back the Night, an event that focused on creating a safe environment for victims of sexual assault and letting them make their voices heard.

The rationale behind AlcoholEdu is that alcohol is an intractable part of college life, and because of that students must be educated

in order to understand how to handle alcohol and protect themselves. Unfortunately, sexual assault and rape are also a part of college life, even here at American University. If American University were to receive over $300,000 to provide help and services to victims of sexual assault and violence, it could go that much farther empowering students with the knowledge they need to understand consensual sex and ways they can protect themselves from rape. If the administration wants to show its commitment to educating students about sexual assault and rape, then it should gladly sign off on the proposal for the Violence Against Women Act Campus Grant.

story, perhaps Obama is subconsciously describing the elitist climate across the nation. He’s the last of a dying breed.

While unions languish nationwide and benefits/pensions for blue-collar workers are slashed, tax rates remain low for the wealthiest one percent. This American dream will soon be consigned to one venue, “American Idol.”

Many of us look to our president for inspiration.

We want to know that a man from humble roots, the quintessential American underdog can win. David can conquer Goliath. We want to know these things happen. We want to know he understands the worries of the little guy and will do all he can to assist and inspire.

The reality is bleaker. The window of underdogs capturing our nation by storm is closing.

Last week, our student

body overwhelmingly elected Tim McBride to serve as president of the Student Government. I’ve met Tim, and I sincerely believe he’ll make a fine SG President, relying on his affability, energy and intelligence. McBride’s lengthy list of endorsements was as long as the walk to the Metro (including popular incumbent Nate Bronstein and The Eagle).

As the unmistakable favorite, how could anyone else compete?

Michael Morgante, a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs, wrote a provocative letter to the editor challenging McBride’s actions. To paraphrase: For someone who made diversity a focal point in his campaign, why not campaign for a more diverse candidate? It’s not as if there was a scarcity of qualified candidates. Some who came from more diverse backgrounds had commensurate experience. Wouldn’t

Brett Atanasio, SPA, Undergraduate Senator for the Class of 2013

CONGRATULATIONS TO EMI RUFF-WILKINSON -%.%&'(%/0

NEXT GREAT RANTER !"#$%&"'&(&#)*+&,%"-$./&'"./"%)" 0)#'").1"/%$22"&'3%)13$#"%03/"4&&56 7&&",&8%"3//.&6

sacrificing the presidency lend more credibility to the cause and a future run? He’d be all but assured the post his senior year as the move would exemplify the type of selflessness and authenticity lacking in most candidates.

To compound the issue, Vice Presidential winner Liz Richards wrote a letter to the editor defending McBride detailing the closeness of their relationship, basically asserting they grew up together. Not exactly the kind of diversity we’re hoping for.

When defending diversity, I can’t think of a better way to shoot one’s self in the foot than her letter.

I don’t question McBride’s intentions and ideals. I firmly believe he will continue efforts for a more inclusive, diverse SG despite his occupation of the most coveted post on campus. He campaigned tirelessly and has a record of seeing things through.

What troubles me is the notion that underdogs can’t win. The odds are stacked against them and those who claim to be representing their interests (Obama for the middle and lower classes, McBride for diversity) seem unfazed by the suggestion that they can use their power to do more. To place bold action above sentiment, transforming the way politics is done. Granted, Obama’s bracket is purely symbolic, whereas McBride’s dropping out would’ve been remarkable.

Nonetheless I can’t help but ponder the difference between what was and what could’ve been.

Conor Shapiro is a graduate student in the School of International Service and a liberal columnist. !"#$%!&'(!!$%)!*+),+!.*/

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!"#$%&'()'*(+,$-./'0(1%$/(2.33( !"##$%&'()$&*+$ .&)%4/(567(8%.'/($,&/9(:,8(;<%8.=9 ,-./000$1&2($ !"#$%$&%'&&(%)&*+% !"#$%&'()*+&,,*+'-.*%-/0-/-(*#/*12'&.*2'-0(3* !24$-/()*+&,,*2-5'*%-/0-/-(*#/*12'&.*,'6(*#.*-.$( !"#?%)-'#@*A,* Eagle Staff Writer

The zombie apocalypse is coming to AU— but don’t worry, it’s for a good cause.

“Humans vs. Zombies” is a game where “zombies” attempt to take over the world by physically tagging “humans” to join their undead horde. The object of the game is to remain “human” for as long as possible.

Selected members will begin the game as “zombies,” identifiable by bandanas on their heads. The “humans,” identifiable by bandanas on their arms or legs, defend themselves against zombies using Nerf guns and balled-up socks to stun attackers for 15 minutes.

Once a “human” is tagged, they join the undead horde to hunt other “humans.” If “zombies” do not “feed” (tag a human) at

least once every 48 hours, they “starve” and must leave the game.

The game begins April 4 at midnight, and continues until either all zombies “starve” or all “humans” are killed, according to organizer Seth Yates, a freshman in the School of Communication. The last “human” alive wins a 19inch flat screen TV. All AU students are eligible to play and registration is free, but only participants who donate $5 at the beginning of the game are eligible to win the TV. In the event the “humans” win — meaning all the “zombies” starve — the TV will be raffled off, Yates said.

The zombie apocalypse will only occur on Main Campus and outside of buildings, including the Katzen Arts Center courtyard, Nebraska Parking Lot and the area surrounding Nebraska Hall. Tenley

Campus, Washington College of Law, classrooms and any other indoor space are designated safe zones from the zombiehuman conflict.

Yates and four other freshmen are organizing the game, which will be sponsored by Women’s Initiative. Victoria Bosselman, the deputy director of WI, saw the game as an opportunity for WI to include more men in its activities.

“One thing that we’ve always had kind of pushback on is that we don’t have a very good tie in with the male students,” Bosselman said. “We’ve been trying to reach out, and this is kind of our way of doing so, hopefully, and also raising money for an important organization at the same time.”

All proceeds raised will be donated to Women for Women International, a charity that provides fe-

male survivors of war with the tools and support to transition from poverty to self-sufficiency.

Yates said the Department of Public Safety has been informed of the impending doom.

Yates said they plan to organize the game at least once every semester until they graduate in 2014.

As of March 25, 130 players have signed up to play and raised $382 in real and pledged donations, he said.

Students can register to play by signing up when the group is tabling, by e-mailing americanhvz@ gmail.com or by attending an information session on March 30 in Hurst 209 or April 1 in Ward 4 at 7 p.m.

Registration ends April 3 at 12 p.m. >B2;5289433:;532<56<3= 72>

C:D46<;92<#.2553;3#20#,:E#1:</D#F2=#GH#2<# I=J=#F3ED#K#C215L#)3M219#N3D9#5:E#D74225#56D9 !"#O%-A'#P*F'J Eagle Staff Writer

AU’s Washington College of Law ranked 50th in the U.S. News and World Report’s 2011 list of best law schools.

Florida State University, Southern Methodist University and Yeshiva University tied with WCL for the No. 50 spot this year.

AU tied for No. 48 with three other schools last year, according to WCL Dean Claudio Grossman.

Grossman said this drop in ranks was due to a “different arrangement of numbers” from last

year because this year no school was ranked 48th or 49th, Grossman said in an e-mail.

WCL ranked fifth in the nation for best part-time law program, an increase from the 2010 rank as No. 7.

WCL also ranked second in the nation for clinical training — or handson experience — behind Georgetown University.

For the international law specialty ranking, WCL moved up from eighth place in 2010 to fifth place in 2011, tying with Yale Law School and George Washington University.

The rankings were based

on 12 measures of quality, including assessment scores by lawyers and judges, median LSAT scores, employment rates for graduates and bar exam passage rates.

Andrew Popper, chair of WCL’s admissions committee, said he is pleased with WCL’s performance, but he dislikes the rankings because they are “subjective and irrational.”

“This data has very little real value,” Popper said.

“The foundation for this information is suspect, so why would you change an institution based on suspect information?”

Popper said the U.S.

News rankings do not investigate all characteristics of an institution in its ranking, such as quality of teaching and diversity.

Yale Law School, Harvard Law School and Stanford Law School ranked as the top law programs on the list, compiled from 190 American Bar Association accredited law schools.

Among other D.C.-area schools, Georgetown University ranked No. 14 on the list and George Washington University came in at No. 20.

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+345$'4)+$6(42 !"#$%&'#()*'+,-.+ Eagle Staff Writer

The AU Club Council has allocated $119,046 to student clubs for the 2011 fiscal year — a $12,000 increase from what was distributed during the previous fiscal year, according to AUCC Chair Katelyn Hurley.

The extra $12,000 was available because Hurley decided to allocate a higher percentage of the budget this year to clubs instead of to administrative and general AUCC expenses.

The funds are given to the 155 clubs at AU, with the largest allocations this year given to the Debate Society, Pep Band Boosters, Colleges Against Cancer, College Republicans and Queers and Allies, Hurley said.

Hurley said clubs frequently request the minimum of $100, and 58 clubs had budgets under $500 this year.

The AUCC obtains allocation money from graduate and undergraduate student fees. However, the increase in money allocated this year was Hurley’s decision, because the chair of the AUCC determines what percentage of the budget is allocated to clubs.

“I felt like more of the Stu!

#012>#C%)#2<#M:;3#R

Army was left with the task of cleaning up the campus.

Today, chemical waste is usually contained and sealed in safe containers. But in the early 1900s, chemicals were thrown away like regular trash. To get rid of the toxic waste and hundreds of projectiles on campus, the Army buried them.

The Courier, AU’s campus newspaper, hoped they would never see the light of day.

“The munitions were taken back to the limit of the University acres and there buried in a pit that was digged [sic] for them. Would that it were as deep as the cellar of [underworld gods] Pluto and Proser-

dent Activity fee students pay should be reinvested back into the campus community,” Hurley said. “We had the money to make this a reality.”

The AUCC switched to a monthly budgeting system last summer to allow for a larger percentage of funds to be allocated to clubs, Hurley said. As a result, all clubs are able to secure at least $100 when funds are first allocated in September, which was not a guaranteed in past years.

Additionally, clubs can apply monthly for more funding if they can prove growth and will put the funds to good use, Hurley said.

“It really fosters the growth and development of new clubs,” Hurley said.

“Under the old system, [new clubs] would have gotten a small allocation in, but they would have to wait until January or the following September to apply for more funds.”

The rest of the budget goes towards general and administrative expenses.

The projected allocation budget for fiscal year 2012 is currently $108,255, but it might change, Hurley said. /01234567489433:;532<56<3= 72> pine,” The Courier wrote.

AU resumed its usual academic schedule after the war and as time passed, the trees in “No Man’s Land” were cleared for new homes and businesses.

Glenbrook Road, Sedgwick Street, Rockwood Parkway and other roads were paved near the Army’s old testing grounds and chemical burial pits.

Decades later, the new Spring Valley community started to find rusted shells, chemical munitions, construction tools and cracked glass lab equipment near AU’s campus.

See the fifth part of this series in The Eagle’s April 5 issue. <3ED89433:;532<56<3=72>#

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TIM MCBRIDE Full Name Timothy Ryan McBride Date of Birth Aug. 9, 1990 Hometown Wilmington, Del. Favorite Band Dave Matthews and The Roots Favorite American President Franklin Delano Roosevelt Favorite Movie “American Beauty” Favorite State “Delaware is the greatest state in the history of the United States.”

ANA SANTOS / THE EAGLE

-,*.#)*/(#0+%1+(234#5 Past and present Student Government Presidents Andy MacCracken, left, and Nate Bronstein pick up future President Tim McBride to celebrate his win on March 23.

!""#$!%&'()"*$+,-.$/"0#$ 1#2)"/#$345"'/6"/#$7'".()"/# !"#$%&'%()#&*'+, Eagle Staff Writer

On paper, School of Public Affairs sophomore Tim McBride looks like the stereotypical Student Government president: involved in the SPA Leadership Program, College Democrats and the Undergraduate Senate.

He was appointed to the Senate in August 2010 by Speaker Eric Reath and has since worked on the SG budget, arts advocacy, the purchase of conflictfree minerals on campus and academic regulations.

But there’s more to him than meets the eye.

McBride will take over the SG May 1, but says he’s not going to be ruling from an ivory tower. He doesn’t want to be the disconnected SG representative that many students envision.

“I’m a student, not a president,” McBride said.

“I want it to be a relaxed,

calm, chill environment.

I want it to be a student’s government, not a Student Government.”

McBride first became interested in politics when he was involved in the campaign to elect Sandy Poppiti as mayor of his Delaware hometown, Wilmington.

“I saw that, even though she lost, just participating could make a difference,” McBride said.

McBride has also been involved with the election campaigns of Beau Biden, son of Vice President Joe Biden, for attorney general; Matt Denn for Delaware state insurance commissioner and Jack Markell for governor of Delaware.

McBride said Markell has become a role model for him. “[Markell has] been a really close mentor and someone whose opinion I really admire and respect and who is an honest, trustworthy, intelligent,

compassionate person,” he said.

McBride also started Delaware’s Young Democrats Movement with the help of Helen Boyer, a junior in SPA. The president-elect said he loves AU for its inclusiveness and the friendly atmosphere it offers to all students. “I think that might be AU’s biggest accomplishment — it’s really become a haven for all kinds of people to feel comfortable, to feel welcomed and to make friends,” he said.

McBride also has a place in his heart for the arts, as he earned an education in film from the Cab Calloway School of the Arts, where he met Vice President-elect Liz Richards.

“The arts are a fantastic resource, for not only creative expression obviously, but expanding our minds in ways that affect our academics, our intellectual ca-

Facebook Habits “I’m a chronic ‘liker’ on Facebook. I have a very limited Facebook footprint, but I ‘like’ everything.”

pabilities and our empathy for others,” McBride said.

During his term, McBride hopes to investigate the University’s finances, create a University Senate, work for better resources for the GLBTA community and advocate for the Sustainability Fund.

“We have a lot of ideas that I’m very excited about,” he said. “But at the end of the day, even if we mobilize people on this campus, even if we have all of our facts straight, a lot of it will still rest with the administration. I’m anxious to see what kind of reception our ideas get within the administration.”

McBride hopes to return to his home state to become a civil rights attorney after graduating in 2013. #IA<>=FBC>==DE?=<F?@F=G A<H#

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The School of International Service building has achieved a Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design Gold rating, higher than the silver rating that was originally planned, according to AU officials.

The LEED certification looks at five categories: energy and environment, water efficiency, materials and resources, indoor air quality and whether the site is sustainable, with additional points available in innovation, such as green cleaning services and furniture.

Most of the green aspects function as part of the SIS building, according to Assistant University Architect Michael Purcell. These include managing surface and storm water runoff, both of which are reused instead of flowing into the sewage system.

“Contractually, the building had to be designed to achieve at least LEED Silver,” Purcell said. “About a third of the way through, we realized that the decisions we made would allow it to be LEED Gold.”

The SIS building is the first green-certified building on campus, according to Director of Sustainability Chris O’Brien. He said SIS “sets the bar” for the University, as AU has pledged to build only LEED Silver or higher-certified buildings on campus in the future.

The building lost points because there is no standalone mechanical system in the buildings. Instead, typical of most large organizations, the heating and cooling systems, for example, are shared across campus.

But Purcell said points were made up in the recycled water systems, the furniture used and the finishing used.

Purcell said he believes earning the highest rating, LEED Platinum, may not be worth the effort.

“Going from LEED Gold to LEED Platinum is very difficult,” Purcell said. “There are lots of technical aspects to getting those higher ratings.”

Although there are no im-

mediate plans to achieve the platinum rating, the University is looking to remodel existing buildings to make them more environmentally friendly. Purcell said the next building on the agenda is the McKinley Building, which will house the School of Communication. The project is currently in the design and development phase.

AU is working to have 30 buildings on campus, or twothirds of the square footage, certified by LEED, according to SIS Dean Louis Goodman.

The University’s goal is to restore the environment as well as reduce damage to it, according to O’Brien.

The environmentallyfriendly aspects of the SIS building made the project 2.5 percent more expensive, according to Purcell. He would not release exact numbers.

But when the project began in 2002, the building would have cost 10 to 15 percent more because the green movement wasn’t yet popular and environmentally-friendly materials were more expensive, according to Purcell.

He said he believes staying within budgetary constraints without abandoning the environmental aspects presented the biggest challenge.

“It is important to demonstrate leadership in sustainability,” Purcell said. “It’s important for the health of the students and it’s important for attracting new students in the future.”

Goodman said he has further plans to increase the green aspects of the building, including building a sunken garden on the south side of the building, adding more solar panels and building a roof patio.

Goodman said he expects the building to have a lasting effect on AU and serve as an inspiration to those who work and study in it.

“When we conceived this building, we wanted a building that would inspire students to become stewards of the planet,” Goodman said.

“We think the building has been designed to show that.”

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ANA SANTOS / THE EAGLE

!"#$%#&'()*'#%&)('"+",'-'AUâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s bhangra team performs as part of the Stay-Awake-a-Thon on March 25. More than 100 students attended the event.

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Eagle Contributing Writer Alpha Phi Omegaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s sixth annual Stay-Awake-aThon raised more than $2,000 for the D.C. Family Health and Birth Center March 25.

More than 100 students attended the eight-hour dance event, according to APO President Tori Frappaolo and Co-Event Organizer Kelsey Cardwell.

Last yearâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s event combined S t a y - Aw a k e - A- T h o n and Womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Initiativeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s â&#x20AC;&#x153;Stay Awake and Danceâ&#x20AC;?

(STAND) into one event, raising more than $5,000 for the D.C. Rape Crisis Center and the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation, according to Co-Event Organizer Kate Greubel.

The Family Health and Birth Center focuses on providing midwife services to mothers in low-income areas and decreasing the infant and maternal mortality rates in D.C., according to Cynthia Flynn, the centerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s director.

The nightâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s events included a variety of performances, speakers and prizes.

Bowie High Schoolâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s step team, AU in Motion and the AU bhangra, salsa and swing teams performed

and taught attendees how to dance.

Jacobs Fitness Center Instructor Leah Breen led Zumba, a Latin-inspired dance fitness program that blends international music with dance. â&#x20AC;&#x153;We really wanted to focus on engaging students more this year,â&#x20AC;? Cardwell said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Not just in the program itself, but with the performers and in the performances, too.â&#x20AC;?

Bryce Biederman, a sophomore in the School of Communication, had never danced Zumba before the event. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t expect it to be as challenging as it was,â&#x20AC;? Biederman said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It was quite a workout, but I would do it again.â&#x20AC;?

Other performances included a capella groups On A Sensual Note and Treble in Paradise, as well as the Matt Reiter and Friends band.

SOC Professor Kyle â&#x20AC;&#x153;Kylosâ&#x20AC;? Brannon mixed videos and College of Arts and Sciences senior Greg Cornell provided musical entertainment throughout the night.

The Stay-Awake-a-Thon also featured an eating contest where teams were required to eat an entire Papa Johnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s cheese pizza and a half-gallon of vanilla ice cream.

Team Charlie Sheen, made up of CAS freshman Emma Horvath and Howard University APO members Liu Jones, John Saulters and Blaize Parker, won the contest.

This was the Howard chapterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s first time participating in such an event like Stay-Awake-AThon. Greubel invited the Howard chapter to StayAwake-A-Thon after they met at an APO sectionals conference earlier in the semester, according to Parker.

Sponsors of the event included Womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Initiative, the Greek Programming Board, Chi Omega, the Residence Hall Association and AU After Dark.

Stay-Awake-a-Thon organizers also used an $800 Eagle Endowment grant to help fund the event.

Greubel said the first Stay-Awake-A-Thon was started as a fundraiser

by AU APO alumna Beth Plewa in 2005.

Cardwell and Frappaolo said the event was also a part of Greek Week last year, but due to scheduling difficulties, APO was unable to fit the event in this year.

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Asian Flavors opened its doors to more than 1,000 customers during its first week, according to owner Tom Gera.

Gera said he was surprised by the large turnout in the vendorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s first week â&#x20AC;&#x201D; he hadnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t expected to have this kind of volume until six months into the restaurantâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s opening.

Gera, who also owns the Mudbox, Ward CafĂŠ, Megabytes and the Katzen CafĂŠ, said he chose to add Asian Flavors due to the lack of Asian food on campus. â&#x20AC;&#x153;The customer response is very good,â&#x20AC;? Gera said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m surprised about the studentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; knowledge about Asian food.â&#x20AC;?

Asian Flavors has its

own chef who will cater to studentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; requests and modify the food based on student feedback, according to Gera.

Different entrees are offered every day at Asian Flavors, and there is no set menu yet.

Asian Flavors is similar to the fast-food Chinese chain Panda Express, but the dishes come from the entire Asian continent, Gera said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;We donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to be Chinese food,â&#x20AC;? Gera said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;We want to be Asian food, which means we have a few things from Korea, a few things from Mongolia, a little bit of Chinese and a little bit of Japanese.â&#x20AC;?

The restaurant accepts cash and EagleBucks.

School of International Service junior Graham Salinger has eaten at Asian Flavors three times since

its opening last week. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s good â&#x20AC;&#x2122;cause they give you a lot of portions relative to the other places, and theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re pretty much the same price,â&#x20AC;? he said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;And they have a really good variety with entrees, so you can pick your own and theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not always the same thing.â&#x20AC;?

The new restaurant has filled a gap in multicultural food options on campus, Gera said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re filling a vacuum right now,â&#x20AC;? he said.

The restaurant opened March 21 after months of delays and problems with inspections.

-./011234550./56-/7-58 96:

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ELECTION RESULTS SG President: Tim McBride SG Vice President: Liz Richards SG Comptroller: Taylor Yeates Undergraduate Business Association (Kogod) President: Alexis Zayfert UBA Vice President: Dhruv Sarin UBA Treasurer: Justin Schaffer ANA SANTOS / THE EAGLE

1ABC#,*A#3*,+3)#%A#A'+#A*D#E Newly elected Student Government Executive Board members Liz Richards, Tim McBride, Taylor Yeates and Kevin Sutherland will take AU’s SG reigns next year. About 27 percent of the student body voted in the elections last week.

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Sophomore Tim McBride will head up next year’s Student Government, after winning the presidency with 37 percent of the vote, the most out of six candidates.

Rounding out the rest of the executive board is Kevin Sutherland as secretary with 67 percent of the vote, Taylor Yeates as comptroller with 89 percent and Liz Richards as vice president with 88 percent.

Both Yeates and Richards faced no formal opposition.

Student Activities reported that 1,804 students, approximately 27 percent of the student body, voted in the election.

“I’m obviously excited, but I also am really grateful for the great campaigns that the other candidates ran,” McBride said.

“They all deserve a lot of credit and a lot of respect for their ideas and their hard work and their enthusiasm.”

This election saw several violations, including oversized chalking and endorsement problems.

Write-in candidates for down ballot races will be announced as candidates accept their positions. Some class council

positions are empty since no official or write-in candidates ran. The class president will appoint cabinet members for vacant class council positions.

SG officials are currently working to fill appointed positions such as cabinet positions and directorships in the executive board through an open application process.

McBride says his first act as president will be to create an investigatory body to analyze how AU’s administration spends the university’s money.

“It’s not necessarily to show any problems, just to hold their feet to the fire, make sure they’re spending our money the way we want them to,” McBride said.

Student Activities reported that one alumnus voted for SG executives, as a result of a “fluke error” between the old and new AU portals.

“While we aren’t able to identify the candidates for which this person voted, SG can be assured that this one vote in no way impacts the results of the election,” according to an e-mail from Andrew Toczydlowski, coordinator of Governance and Leadership for Student Activities. .45678944-:;4<.;=.4>?<@

UBA Secretary: Valera Filatov SPA President: Kevin Ralph SPA Vice President: Aaron Goldstein SPA Secretary: Pending Write-In SPA Treasurer: Pending Write-In SOC President: Madeline Shattow SOC Vice President: Jessica Liu SOC Treasurer: Pending Write-In SOC Secretary: Douglas Bell SIS President: Julia White SIS Vice President: Ariel McMillan SIS Treasurer: Evan Anderson SIS Secretary: Adam Roenfeldt Class of 2012 President: Stephanie Eichmann Class of 2012 Vice President: Keenan Kunst Class of 2013 President: Deniz-Sonmez Alpan Class of 2014 President: Lauren Williams Class of 2014 Vice President: Timothy Vallario Class of 2014 Secretary: Tori Vogel Class of 2014 Treasurer: Cody Ragonese

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Eagle Contributing Writer

Courtesy of SANDY CANNON BROWN

67896(6:;;9(<(SOC Adjunct Sandy Cannon-Brown produced and co-wrote the documentary film “Henry A. Wallace, An Uncommon Man,” which was featured as a part of the D.C. Environmental Film Festival on March 18.

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Over these past two weeks, the D.C. Environmental Film Festival featured premieres, screenings and discussions in theaters all over the city.

AU played a large part in the festival, screening a number of films for the festival and hosting discussions moderated by AU’s Center for Environmental Filmmaking.

On Thursday, March 18, “Henry A. Wallace, An Uncommon Man” premiered at the National Portrait Gallery as part of the festival.

The beautiful and inspiring documentary told the story of Henry A. Wallace, farmer, politician and unsung hero in American history. The film also had strong ties to our university: AU’s Professor Sandy Cannon-Brown produced and co-wrote the film.

Cannon-Brown is an adjunct

professor and an associate director of the Center for Environmental Filmmaking, and was just named the recipient of the 2011 Award for Outstanding Teaching in an Adjunct Appointment. Here at AU, Cannon-Brown teaches “Visual Literacy” and “Environmental and Wildlife Production.”

Outside of AU, CannonBrown is the president and founder of VideoTakes, Inc. She became involved with “An Uncommon Man” after Joan D. Murray — a granddaughter of Henry A. Wallace, who was inspired to make a film by her grandfather’s remarkable career — approached her about working on the documentary.

“Murray’s mother, Jean Wallace Douglas, had inherited her father’s farm in upstate New York and the attic and library were filled with his books, speeches, letters and photos,” Cannon-Brown said. “Murray knew there was a treasure

trove of material for a film and asked me to produce it.”

The film told the remarkable story of Wallace, who served as secretary of Agriculture and vice president during Franklin D. Roosevelt’s third term. Wallace’s work far exceeded whatever political titles he achieved during his lifetime. He made many significant agricultural achievements, founding the world’s first hybrid seed company and, as FDR’s secretary of Agriculture, used his knowledge and love of farming to implement many effective relief programs for farmers and rural communities during the Great Depression.

He was also a dedicated humanitarian and a global citizen, working during his vice presidency to promote sustainable agriculture and international cooperation.

Sadly, as a result of pressure from party bosses, FDR did not select Wallace to be his vice president for his fourth

term, instead choosing Harry Truman.

The film suggests that had Wallace been chosen for the position, his good relations with the leadership of the Soviet Union and emphasis on global cooperation would have changed the tone of politics in the 1950s. Wallace was himself a hybrid combination: both a politician from a bygone era that valued civility and integrity over gaining political leverage, and a forwardthinking activist who championed many progressive values and causes that would come to fruition decades later.

Most tellingly, the movie ends with images juxtaposing Wallace’s speeches championing civil rights, environmental sustainability and world peace with almost identical ones from John F. Kennedy, Barack Obama and others from decades later, proof that Wallace’s !

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When Shakespeare’s plays are adapted or given new concepts, it is a little difficult to anticipate what exactly you’re going to see.

The AU Department of Performing Arts’ production of “Measure for Measure” was given an urban setting, garnished with hip-hop dance numbers and a graffiti set. Through the show, the audience was given the feeling that they were on the streets with the characters as they bumbled through the Shakespearian comedy.

The company is composed of a large amount of freshmen who are not normally given such big opportunities their first year in the department.

Freshman Chris Cherin took on the role of Angelo, the show’s villain who tries to take the virginity of the female lead, played by junior Jane Dempsey.

The audience collectively squirmed uncomfortably as Cherin removed his suit jacket while attempting to seduce Dempsey.

This motley crew came from all corners of AU. Performers were not only theatre majors. The cast had students majoring in mathematics, broadcast journalism, philosophy, film and various other disciplines. Michael Yarnell, a junior majoring in biology, made himself quite at home on the stage as Lucio, a foppish Southern playboy. Yarnell could not only dance but made

excellent use of Shakespeare’s words to tickle, and at times, violate the audience.

Michael Litchfield, a rising junior in the Department of Performing Arts, gave an excellent performance as The Duke who then disguises himself as quite possibly the creepiest friar the urban streets could produce.

Dempsey couldn’t have had a better moment in the play than at the end, when Litchfield asks her for her hand. Calmly, she walked toward him. She extended her hand for his.

Then slapped him so hard the audience let out an audible gasp before howling with laughter.

Aside from occasional moments when it felt as though the actors were shouting at the audience, the cast of “Measure for Measure” put on an entertaining show. The ensemble had several shining moments.

There was Elbow, the slobbering constable with an almost painful lisp, played by freshman Julia Peltier. Then the mime and his interpreter, played by sophomores Pasquale Guiducci and Shannon Mcardle. And the two policemen with the elaborate handshake that went on for a good two minutes, played by Sophomore Anthony O’Tapi and Junior Sean Sidbury.

The urban setting was an interesting choice that fit the play, but the best part of the show was the ensemble. Director Caleen Jennings, AU’s resident Shakespeare expert cast the show’s ensemble before assigning roles. She no doubt found a group that worked very well and was able to put together a very good show.

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TUESDAY 29

WEDNESDAY 30

THURSDAY 31

This Prison Where I Live 6 p.m.

WHERE: Artisphere, 1101 Wilson Blvd., Arlington, Va. METRO: Rosslyn (blue/orange lines) WHAT: Presented by Sulu DC, an underground network of Asian-American performers living in the District, this documentary tells the story of two comedians living under different political systems.

COST: $12 CONTACT: www.artisphere.com

The Felice Brothers 8 p.m.

WHERE: Rock and Roll Hotel, 1353 H St. NE METRO: Union Station (red line) WHAT: The Felice Brothers are a folk rock band hailing from New York, where they started out playing in subways. They’re joined by Diamond Doves at the Rock and Roll Hotel.

COST: $18 CONTACT: www.rockandrollhoteldc. com

PETE’S NEW HAVEN STYLE PIZZA

Female Neo-Ninjas 8 p.m.

WHERE: The Passenger, 1021 7th St. NW METRO: Metro Center (red/blue/orange lines) WHAT: The Washington Psychotronic Film Society is a group of film lovers who offer weekly screenings to obscure, off-beat films both new and old. Three female ninjas choose between getting desk jobs or saving the world in this gem from 1991.

COST: Free ($2.00 suggested donation) CONTACT: www.wpfs.org

Columbia Heights 202-332-PETE (7383) Tenleytown-Friendship Heights 202-237-PETE (7383) Hours of Operation: 11AM-10PM Sunday-Thursday 11AM-11PM Friday & Saturday

FRIDAY 1

SATURDAY 2

SUNDAY 3

The Pains of Being Pure at Heart 9 p.m.

WHERE: Black Cat, 1811 14th St. NW METRO: U Street/African-American War Memorial/Cardozo (green/yellow lines) WHAT: New York Citybased, indie rock group The Pains of Being Pure at Heart are joined by Twin Shadow at what is sure to be a memorable night at the Black Cat. COST: $17 CONTACT: www.blackcatdc.com

Lucky Dub 8:30 p.m.

WHERE: Rock and Roll Hotel, 1353 H St. NE METRO: Union Station (red line) WHAT: Lucky Dub is a reggae rock group that is celebrating the release of its upcoming album with a party at the Rock and Roll Hotel.

They’re joined by The Method and Kill Lincoln.

COST: $10 CONTACT: www.rockandrollhoteldc. com

The Infidel 4 p.m.

WHERE: The Passenger, 1021 7th St. NW METRO: Metro Center (red/blue/orange lines) WHAT: “The Infidel” is a comedy-satire film about a Muslim man who finds out that he was adopted and is actually Jewish.

COST: $11 CONTACT: www.artisphere.com

We Deliver Monday — Thursday 25% off for AU students (with valid ID) after 8:30 every night

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SCENE CALENDAR

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views were far ahead of his time.

The process of making the film was incredibly rewarding for Cannon-Brown.

“I learned more from this project than anything I’d produced in 25 years,” she said.

“I’m now an expert on a man about whom I knew nothing about before I met his granddaughter seven years ago. One thing I love about my job is that it allows me to be a perpetual student.”

Of the lessons we all can learn from Wallace’s extraordinary life and work, Cannon-Brown explained that Wallace’s legacy shows the powerful impact that fear has had in American history.

“Wallace fought for civil rights, religious tolerance, and international peace and cooperation far ahead of his time,” Cannon-Brown said. “But his voice was drowned out by those who preached fear: fear of anyone who did not look like them, belonged to a different religious group, or lived in socialist or communist countries. I hope the film opens people’s minds, not just to a man, but to the ideals he stood for and why.” !!"#$%!&''(')$$*+,$&-,.-$/ "&!

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Eagle Staff Writer

Devotchka and Mariachi El Bronx spiced up the roster of D.C.’s 9:30 club on March 22, bringing some worldly flavor to the venue.

Mariachi El Bronx, is a California group that plays, well, mariachi music. They all wore traditional Mexican garb, and brought energy to the stage with songs like “Slave Labor” and “Quinceniera.” which featured guitars, maracas and lot of cowbell.

Watching the stage get set up for Devotchka was a show in itself as roadies tuned guitars, a mandolin, two violins and multiple horns (including a giant sousaphone) drum sets, an accordion and other instruments, totaling upwards of 20 instruments on stage. Then the four-piece Denver-based band strutted out, bottle of wine in hand, and began with “The Alley,” off its newest album “100 Lovers,” before diving into fan favorites like “Queen of Surface Streets,” and “How It

Ends,” made popular by the film “Little Miss Sunshine.”

Devotchka blends eastern European music with Americana and Mexican influences. Violinist/accordion player Tom Hagerman (who sported a rabbi-in-training kind of look) was mesmerizing, and frontman Nick Urata played his many guitars with hypnotizing ease.

But what really made the concert a true Devotchka show were the curtain dancers: two scantily-clad acrobats who dangled from high above the band on two long strips of fabric that dropped from the ceiling mid-show.

The set finished up with a well-earned encore with a Neil Young cover, followed by “You Loved Me” and “Ranchero.” Thus ending a thoroughly entertaining night. Seeing Devotchka live is necessary for any fan, although slightly unwieldy live, it’s in a “runaway carnival train” kind of way that fans will appreciate. !C&,1D&-(')$$*+,$&-,.-$/ "&!

MONDAY 4 Gobble Gobble 8 p.m.

WHERE: Red Palace, 1210 H St. NE METRO: Union Station (red line) WHAT: Gobble Gobble are an indie-pop band from Canada with a futuristic sound. They’re joined by Connect The Dots and FMRM. COST: $8 CONTACT: www.redpalacedc.com

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With the Final Four this weekend, the NBA playoffs approaching and WrestleMania on Sunday, now is a great time to be a sports fan! And what makes it even better is that MLB Opening Day is this Thursday, meaning this is the perfect time to forecast the win totals for a ANA SANTOS / THE EAGLE couple of teams (because !"#$%"&#'!()'*(++,++"(&'-'Sophomore attacker Kimberly Collins tries to get past a Bucknell University everyone knows how accurate these predictions player during AU’s 20-11 victory. Collins gave the team two assists and contributed one goal. always are).

./'01234556'34785'972:;600<' +24365'=458'>4105'5?;26'@AAB 70(5H!IEC6(JED.KCD Eagle Staff Writer

In the first of its final three home games of the season, the AU women’s lacrosse team (54, 2-1) used its offensive firepower to rout Patriot League opponent Bucknell University (2-9, 0-3) in a 20-11 victory at Jacobs Field. Eight Eagle players tallied a goal on 38 total shots.

“This is a great win for us setting us up for our next step towards the next Patriot League game, so it was a good win, good confidence builder,” Head Coach Lauren Campbell said. “We scored a lot of goals and that’s always a positive thing.”

AU kicked off the annual Lacrosse Blowout game on the right foot as sophomore midfielder Samantha Marshall scored the first goal in the first 30 seconds of the game off of a one-on-one opportunity.

Bucknell’s senior midfielder Julia Braun would respond with a goal of her own, but as soon as the Bison tied the score, the Eagles scored six unanswered goals in 10 minutes.

“It was huge because all week in practice we have been working on seeing the back of

the net, moving the ball quick, cutting through the eight,” Marshall said. “And I think that we executed that really well against Bucknell.”

By the time Bucknell called a timeout, AU had a 10 to two advantage in total shots. Midway through the first half, junior midfielder Paige Lin scored the first of her four goals after a slalom-juke move faked out the Bison defender and freed her up for the shot and goal.

Lin scored three goals in two minutes, and after the first 30 minutes, the Eagles went into halftime leading 13-7 with Lin and Marshall both carrying hat-tricks.

“Sam and I have a lot of chemistry. We kind of know and can set each other up,” Lin said. “We know where the lanes are and where we can help each other create those lanes and we take advantage a lot. We have good communication and good listening skills to finish well.”

The Eagles continued their offensive dominance in the second half as junior attacker Lauren Schoenberger scored back-to-back goals leading the Eagles on a 5-0 run after Bucknell had cut the lead to 15-7.

Junior Bernadette Maher also

scored her third goal, giving three Eagle players three goals or more. AU held their largest lead of the game, a 20-8 lead, before Bucknell scored three straight goals in the final four minutes to bring the score to 20-11.

AU outshot the Bison 38-18 and turned the ball over nine times compared to Bucknell’s 19 total turnovers. The Eagles also shared the ball well as AU had 11 assists compared to Bucknell’s one.

“That was one of our goals today, take a lot of shots, unfortunately we hit the pipe a couple too many times in the first half, but then we started finding the back of the net,” Campbell said. “We started finding our rhythm and more importantly finding each other.”

The 20-goal performance was the Eagles’ best offensive output of the season and the most goals scored in a game since 2007, when AU won 209 over Longwood.

AU will go on a four-game road trip before returning to Jacobs Field on Wednesday, April 13th to face Navy.

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Milwaukee Brewers — Over 85 Wins I think the Brewers will compete this season, and if they’re competing, they’ll win more than 85 games.

The worst-case scenario here is that Milwaukee is out of contention by July and trades Prince Fielder, waving the white flag.

But knowing that Fielder might leave in the offseason, the Brewers front office will do everything to win now.

Zack Greinke should be back in mid-April thanks to a pickup basketball related injury, and he’ll team with Yovani Gallardo and Shaun Marcum to form a solid top of the rotation.

The top five of the lineup will be very productive, but the bottom three could give the offense problems.

Merely typing the names Yuniesky Betancourt, Carlos Gomez and Jonathan Lucroy scares me, but Milwaukee will need them to contribute.

If the Brewers can get everyone healthy in the first two weeks of the season, they should be in the thick of the National League Central race come September.

Cincinnati caught lighting in a bottle last year, and the Adam Wainwright injury creates

an opening for Milwaukee.

Boston Red Sox — Under 95.5 Wins The offseason acquisitions of Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford mean it’s World Series or bust for the 2011 Red Sox. Crawford will team with Ellsbury to provide an exciting base-stealing threat, and Gonzalez will be a fixture in the middle of the lineup. But the Red Sox will have to replace 48 home runs and 181 RBIs with the departures of Adrian Beltre and Victor Martinez. And while it’s easy to see Crawford and Gonzalez combining to produce those numbers, there’s always a transition period when players move to bigger markets.

By the way, I love Beltre’s career stats. In contract years, he averages 38 home runs and hits .327, while averaging 18 home runs and hitting .265 in noncontract years. When he injured his calf in spring training, I fully expected not to see him until August.

As far as Boston’s pitching rotation, the trio of Josh Beckett, John Lackey and Daisuke Matsuzaka would be perfect in 2008.

But in 2011, it’s iffy. Lackey posted his highest ERA since 2004 last year, Beckett started 21 games and had an ERA just under six and it takes Matsuzaka 389 pitches to get through five innings.

Boston is good, but 96 wins, in the American League East, is a lot to ask.

Philadelphia Phillies — Under 97 Wins It’s important to never go too extreme with predictions, as 100 wins is just as tough to get as 100 losses.

I’ve heard the Phillies

starting rotation is pretty good, but 98-plus victories in 2011 is looking questionable, mainly because of the offense.

Chase Utley will start the season on the disabled list, and General Manager Ruben Amaro Jr. said, “It’s a long-term process,” in regards to Utley’s recovery.

Domonic Brown had hand surgery earlier this month, Raul Ibanez is a year older and Jimmy Rollins’ MVP year feels like it was two centuries ago.

And while the Jayson Werth contract was beyond ridiculous, his departure leaves a hole in the Philadelphia lineup. What had once been the team’s strongest area is now a mystery in 2011. The Phillies will take the NL East, but not even this rotation will be able to reach 97 victories.

New York Mets — Over 77 Wins The team is being sued for $300 million, it took them until last Monday to cut a $36 million lefthanded specialist and fans detest the owners. What does this all add up to?

More than 77 victories in 2011, of course!

New York finished with 79 wins in 2010, and after the disaster that was last season, is this year’s team really two victories worse?

Plus, after the firing of Jerry Manuel, the Mets no longer have a manager who is a complete idiot.

Can the whole thing blow up and the Mets win only 70 games this year?

Absolutely! But they have a good offense for the NL, and as long as their pitching can be somewhat consistent, they should break 77 wins. %%"8+/F%3++/-:+"$:,$+G 4"8

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!"#$%#&'()*#$+'+,-../' %0$)10%'23'0-"'-' 4$$%5-..'%,-6 !"#*+,Bob Channing, a junior in the School of International Service, just realized the tshirts emblazoned with “AU Football: Still Undefeated” are a joke, but he isn’t laughing.

“I just thought we were just really, really good,” Channing said. “But after someone explained that we don’t have a football team at all, I was kind of pissed.” Like many students, Channing was shocked and angered that there could be a functioning university in this country that does not have a football team.

Channing, so stupid he needCourtesy of TITO VON TITO ed a prospective student in +./01%)#,1%&-)/-#2#James Richter, a freshman at AU, poses during last Saturday’s auction. Rich was considered an ‘OK’ guy in high school the campus store to point out the true meaning behind the but girls went ‘wild’ and ‘mobbed’ him here at AU. shirts, believes the university has purposefully mislead him and many other students.

“What’s really offensive about the shirt is that they’re not even funny,” he said. “It’s like AU gave me the finger and then spat acid in my eye.

You know, like that dinosaur in Jurassic Park that spits on body.

The night began surgeries, but what other freshman Sarah Gold, who !"#$%&'#(%) with the suit-clad boy/ option did I have? There’re suffered a head wound Newman?”

Hardy Seminole, the profrom another girl’s heel in This past Saturday, what men introducing them- only 10 left!” Lisa said. spective student who exselves and doing a sort of Make that eight.

The fithe madness. began as a harmless phiBefore anyone knew what plained the shirts to the dolt, lanthropy event, ended tongue in cheek cat walk nal blow to the mass of was surprised that anyone in tears, fire and mass up and down the Tavern. deranged females came was happening the eight could go more than a week But when the bidding bewhen two of the bachelors remaining males had been amounts of property damat the school without undergan, things took a turn for withdrew from the event tied up and cornered in age. standing its meaning. the worse. after getting to know each the Salsa alcove as the now The event was hosted by “I mean, there’s no football “They were so crazy, I other backstage and real- livid mob encroached.

Beta Phi, self proclaimed field,” Seminole said. “Also, mean back in high school izing that they might have “My life flashed before “swankiest” sorority, in my eyes and I realized ‘ow you can’t go anywhere on order to raise money for I was considered an OK something special. guy but when I meet a girl Josh Riley and Matt Peleettle I’d gotten to do, eet campus without some asshole the victims of botched rhiat AU and they realize I ters had never considered was ‘orrifying,” said SIS complaining about not having noplasties. a football team.” Seminole told “Like, the idea was great don’t watch ‘Glee’ then bi-sexuality, but had a exchange student Romain The Eagle. they kind of just attack Romeo and Romeo experiLeGenuille. and for a really good cause After explaining the joke, you.

And this Saturday, we ence when the two dapper But transfer student Jer— just look at Becky ThoSeminole punched Channing mas, what if that was your were mobbed.” said fresh- Kogod juniors locked eyes emy Lint and SPA sophoin the shoulder for “being a man James Richter. by the snack table.

After more was “ totally into fugly face?” said School The bidding was intense Matt went up to the mic to it” and “loves himself the total dumbass” then laughed of Internation Service sofrom the get go, girls of- explain the situation the biddies.” phomore Lindsey Martin.

The mob was finally “But things just got out fering up student loans for girls just lost it.

“There’s only eight left?!” gotten under control when of control. Like, we didn’t a chance to go out with a know that that many girls breathing male. Crazed ONLY EIGHT?!” cried Public Safety came in with would show up, or that the Senior in the School of a sophomore, who had tear gas and rubber bulstage could give — it was a Public Affairs Mary Kea- liberated a large serrated lets. Beta Phi’s president, mess, but, like, what could gan threw herself on stage knife from TDR and pro- Michelle Glover, claims screaming “IT’S MY LAST ceeded to swing it widely that the sisters are deeply we have done?”

Indeed it was a mess. CHANCE! LOVE ME!” over her head. As many deeply sorry about the Over 300 desperate AU once she’d realized she’d as seven previously het- disaster and are hoping females showed up to the been out bid by her room- ero-sexual females made a to restore the BP name. event, many carrying wads mate Lisa, who sold her pact to switch teams, so to President Kerwin vows to speak. increase the straight male of cash to bid on one of own eggs for the cash.

“Out of necessity,” said acceptance rate after the “It took a couple of the only 10 straight single males left in AU’s student months and some minor School of Communication disaster.

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at his stupidity.

Channing now believes it is his “god-given duty” to let everyone know on campus about the t-shirts true meaning and the abomination that is attending a football-less school.

“I can’t possibly be the only one to not understand this shirt,” he said. “The shirt is totally confusing. How am I supposed to know we don’t have a football team that’s been undefeated for decades?”

American University’s Athletic Director Gieth Kill deals with football complaints such as Channing’s often. After laughing for five minutes upon the discovery of the student’s idiocy, Kill responded. “I get it, it sucks there’s no team,” he said. “But you should just grow up.” After the interview Kill requested The Eagle to “please never call me with stupid shit like this ever again.”

Ultimately, Channing would like to be solely responsible for bringing a football team to AU. “I’m going to run for SG President and pass a bill or something,” he said. “Maybe I’ll write the President of the school like 100 letters.” Before he could finish telling The Eagle his stupid, stupid plan, he caught a glimpse of a student wearing a Harvard sweatshirt. “Did you see that?” he exclaimed. “Do people actually wear other school’s sweatshirts? Where is the school spirit?”

ED Note: The writer of this article could not bear to listen to this idiot’s diatribe so he also punched him in the shoulder for “being a total dumbass”

LOST: RUSTY FUCKIN’ BIKE. $0 REWARD. STILL WAITING, SHITHEAD.

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!"#$%& Nilbog. They soon learn lessons in family togetherness and subtle acting as they discover that the townsfolk are actually vegetarian goblins with a devilish plot that involves turning people into plants and then eating them or something.

“Battlefield Earth” Quite possibly the film that catapulted John Travolta into A-list status, “Battlefield Earth” is a scifi epic based on the book

by Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard. At just under two hours, the film, made in 2000, features beautiful cinematography of Earth 1000 years in the future as humans have literally reverted back to cavemen (complete with grunts and bad posture) and everything must be viewed at a 45-degree angle. There is absolutely no requirement of suspension of disbelief as to why a member of a superior alien race would want to educate a human slave for the purpose of represCourtesy of TROLL 2: BEST WORST MOVIE sion, but that’s just a tes&%#*+#,&&&&&&&&&&-...#/ Films like “Troll 2” have spawned a slew of memorable quotes like: tament to the complexity “Nilbog! It’s goblin spelled backwards. This is their kingdom!” and “Do you see this writing? Do you know of the characterization what it means? Hospitality. And you can’t piss on hospitality. I WON’T ALLOW IT.” and scriptwriting.

!"#$%&'"()*+%,-.#/+(0-1#(&$2)1(-)-3#01-,(%(")1+#% !"#$%&#'&(#)%& Every week, The Scene staff, in our infinite generosity, feels the need to address the unenlightened and culturally-deficient masses of AU about what upcoming movies they should and shouldn’t watch. Since it is quite obvious that students in this day and age have no other avenue when it comes to top-notch film reviews, we like to challenge the status quo by offering our invaluable insight and unmatched writing ability — such deft erudition that could only be crafted through our first-hand exposure to masterful franchises like “Bring It On” and “Transformers.”

As the all-knowing arbiters of good taste, we know you’ll graciously ac-

cept the following list of some of the most underrated gems of cinema to have been overlooked by the plebes of mainstream media.

“The Room” In what many consider to be his magnum opus, Tommy Wiseau is the director, producer, writer and star of “The Room,” a drama about a man whose perfect life is thrown out of balance when his fiancée decides to cheat on him with his best friend for some reason. As Johnny, Wiseau is a young banker with an indeterminate accent and instantly likeable, totally-not-creepy personality. His hobbies include tossing a football in a tuxedo while standing three feet away from his friends, saying “Oh,

hi” to just about every castmate and gratuitously making love to his wife. In addition to the brilliantly quotable script, the film is also known for its lush transition shots of San Francisco that include the Golden Gate Bridge, the cable cars and the Golden Gate Bridge, again. Be sure to catch a midnight screening near you!

“Troll 2” You may remember this film made in 1990 from the scene where the geeky Arnold helplessly screams: “They’re eating her, and then they’re going to eat me. Oh my Goooooooood!” Fans of horror and grindhouse can get their fix with this dark tale of a middle American family that decides to vacation in the town of

“The Happening” With such films as “Lady in the Water” and “The Village,” M. Night Shyamalan surely doesn’t deserve all the vitriol he’s received from critics even though the general consensus does seem to be that the only decent film he’s ever made was “The Sixth Sense.” He’s a true artisan of horror because he’s able to subvert the stereotypes that seem to overrun the genre. Take “The Happening,” released in 2008, for instance, where we’re not afraid of aliens and ghosts, but grass and trees. Only a true auteur like Shyamalan is able to instill fear in us when it comes to something we see everyday — bolstered by the first-rate acting ability of funky bunch rapper, Marky Mark.

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2+34"%),-'(-56'.6)4 !"#$"%&'"()*%(%"+",&-."/ 0*++12**3("4".5'6,"#(7%6-8( 6-(&-(5-"4$".'"3(9"%* 01#'&2,34 Hollywood executives have run out of ideas for new movies and are forced to turn to their kitchen appliances for inspiration.

“At our pitch meeting, we all brought in something from each of our kitchens and dumped it in the middle of the conference table,” a Warner Bros. executive said.

The executives then randomly picked an appliance that would be the star of their next big blockbuster.

The microwave was the lucky winner. Oscar-winning screenwriters are currently writing a script, and the film is set to release in July 2014. The film will be shot in 3D. “We have great faith in the star power of the microwave,” the executive said, “There’s just so much potential in it and its story.”

The film has the working title “Microwave! The Movie!” Executives are unsure of whether they will change the name, many claiming it to be pretty amazing.

“The name is pure genius,” a Warner Bros said.

PR agent. “It will run marathons around all other movie titles. I can’t wait to get started on its marketing campaign.”

Executives have decided to forego CGI and make the film in live action, with actors dressed as the kitchen appliances themselves. They hope to get Nicolas Cage to star as the titular Microwave. The film also would not just take place in the kitchen, but mainly in the Sahara,

where Microwave would have to face off against evil robot monkeys in an explosion-ridden fight to the death.

“We wanted to show Microwave in a place out of his element,” said a Warner Bros. screenwriter. “So he gets abandoned in the Sahara. We’re still working out the kinks in the script.”

Universal executives scoffed when they heard of Warner Bros.’ much buzzed-about “Microwave” project, and insisted that their idea is much better.

“Kitchen appliances! Ha!” a Universal executive said.

“We’re going a way more original route. Mats! It will be a new sensation!”

“Mats” will be a musical starring Cher loosely based on the musical “Cats.” Universal Studios executives are keen that the similar-sounding title will draw fans of the “Cats” musical. The film is set to release in June, a week before “Microwave! The Movie!” and two weeks after Michael Bay’s new film “Explosions 3-D.” “The summer of 2014 will definitely be a summer to look forward to,” a Universal talent agent said. “I, along with everyone else, can’t wait to be blinded by explosions in 3D.”

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!"#$%&&'(#&)*+,( While some of their peers continue to protest the new D.C. City Noise Ordinance, a group of AU students is learning to live around the late-night law by learning American Sign Language.

Kean Kapur, a junior in CAS, is the president of the Silent Socialites, a new club dedicated to teaching party enthusiasts how to sign.

SHARLIE CHEEN / FRIDAY Kapur argues that students won’t accidentally break the /),!.'0#1,.2'&#3 AU smokers looking to catch a smoking break won’t have to worry about other students giving them dirty looks anymore. law or be accused of being Giant hampster balls will allow them freedom to move about the campus and protection from the elements. Here, a debonair AU student enjoys too loud if they refuse to a break on the beach. speak in the first place.

“Without guidelines or set decibel levels, I could be written up for breathing too loudly,” Kapur said.

Kapur said the idea for Silent Socialites came to him when he and some of his friends were returning home from a late night in Dupont Circle. “This lady started don’t mind moving away to the problem, including heels.” !"#-%+')#!.,,& yelling at us from her winfrom the doors of academ- constructing a “butt hut,” School officials said the dow, saying we were ‘causing Next month, a fleet of ic buildings to smoke, ex- or gazebo on the center of plan is nearly perfect, but a ruckus’ and she was calling the quad, but ultimately a few kinks still need to be the police,” Kapur said. giant plastic spheres will cept when it’s raining.

“Nothing tastes more decided that giant hamster worked out. be rolling on to campus, “We weren’t even being that “We are somewhat con- loud, but we lowered our where they will provide a disgusting than a wet balls would be the best that students voices anyway to appease solution for both smok- cigarette, especially when method for providing both cerned ing and non-smoking stu- you paid $10 for the pack,” shelter and a containment crossing the street to her,” Kapur said. However, Carrie McMillan, a so- method for second-hand Katzen could accidentally the neighbor continued to dents. roll down Massachusetts complain, no matter how Thanks to the human- phomore in the School smoke. of International Hipsters, The spheres also have the Avenue,” one administra- quietly the group spoke. sized hamster balls, smokers will be able to enjoy said. “I can’t wait until the benefit of being consid- tor said. “But we’re lookKapur finally became so their cigarettes in any smokers’ spheres get here erably more entertaining ing into installing brakes irate that he stopped speakor some kind of safety net ing entirely, using only hand weather conditions, while so I can roll from Letts to than the other options.

Ward without inciting the “I can picture them now, to prevent that from hap- gestures to communicate containing their secondhand smoke in the plastic non-smokers, and with- scrambling across cam- pening.” with his friends and offer out ruining my American pus like eager, clumsy litUntil then, student a curt message to the nosy contraptions. tle hamsters,” one school smokers should avoid neighbor.

The campus smoking Spirits in the rain.”

Sheltered spots on camadministrator said. “Stu- hills, oncoming traffic and policy encourages smok“Being drunk, my friends ers to move at least 25 pus are prime real estate dents are so darn cute large bodies of water while found this hilarious, so we travelling in the “smokers’ ended up miming the enfeet from the door of an for smokers caught in foul when they’re frantic.” weather, but many of these “I’ve already requested spheres,” the administra- tire walk home,” he said. Alacademic building before areas are inconveniently an office with a window tor said. lighting up, but nonsmokthough the gestures started ers complain that people located at the entrances to overlooking the quad,” one out as a joke, they gave Kaoften ignore this courtesy academic buildings, such professor in the College of pur an idea. and smoke there anyway. as Mary Graydon Center Forgotten Arts and Sci“The next morning I Student smokers coun- and Ward Circle Building. ences said. “A few of us are woke up and realized that School officials consid- taking bets on how long it tered that they usually if enough students were to ered multiple solutions takes someone to try it in

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learn actual American Sign Language, we could communicate on our way back from parties without having to worry about waking up the neighbors or attracting the police,” Kapur said.

Silent Socialites have attended multiple social events together since the club’s inception in late February, but Kapur said that communicating in ASL to members of what is essentially a drinking club has its limitations.

“You ever get a drunk text from someone?” Kapur said.

“Signing is kind of like texting, and if you don’t move your hands the right way, you’re going to get a garbled mess.”

“Last week, this girl kept slurring her signs, and we had no idea what she was talking about,” Kapur said.

“We finally realized she was just swinging her arms around for balance.”

For those who have difficulty walking in a straight line while under the influence, ASL provides new challenges and opportunities for confusion.

For example, the word for “urinate” involves tapping one’s nose with the right index and middle fingers, which sometimes causes problems for the heavier drinkers in the group.

“We’ve had more than one occasion in which someone was totally smashed and either couldn’t direct his fingers to his nose, or accidentally slapped his own face,” Kapur said.

Kapur noted that the sign for “vomit” conveniently looks exactly as it should.

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)&*#+,+#'),$#-.'#)./.0#1 No, seriously. What is this doing here? Just, I don’t — I don’t even ...

!"##$%&'(#($)##*#)$(&+',-&.$,&$ /0++$&1$234($5"&6+#*(4 !"#$%&''#$%&''$'&( Although school officials still plan to construct academic buildings on the Nebraska Parking Lot, the proposed dormitory buildings will be relocated to campus, where Housing & Dining has devised an ingenious plan to house the overflow of AU students.

After months of brainstorming where to place students without upsetting the neighbors, Housing & Dining has conceptualized an obvious solution to the problem. This summer, roughly 200 tree houses will be built in the plentiful vegetation on AU’s campus, according to a revised camus plan.

“AU is a national arboretum,” the Director of Housing & Dining said. “I don’t know why we didn’t consider tree dorms sooner.”

Each tree dorm will house one to two students in a cozy, yet drafty room. Tree dorm residents will enjoy scenic views of campus and daily meditational music provided by campus critters, such as the Crickets’ String Symphony and aviary acapella group, “Why the Un-Caged Birds Sing.”

Each tree dorm will be equipped with wireless internet, a bucket for accepting food deliveries and mail, a ladder for entering the residence and a fireman’s pole for exiting. Some suites may be built

in larger, sturdier trees, which will house three or four students and may include real beds and a sweet, twisted slide for exiting the room.

Students in the standard tree dorms will sleep on yoga mats, or hung upside down like bats.

Tree branches will include ankle restraints for students who prefer the latter method.

Due to limitations of space and the unique nature of this housing arrangement, each tree will not host a Resident Assistant as in most dorm floors on campus. Instead, a squirrel will supervise each tree. Housing & Dining is still reviewing applicants for Resident Director, but school officials report that the job will

likely go to campus mascot Clawed Z. Eagle.

“We have a lot of experience with Clawed, and have observed how deeply he cares for AU and its students,” said one official, who prefers to remain anonymous. “He would flip over backwards for these kids, and not just at basketball games.”

“Clawed possesses the unique ability to oversee all student activity in the tree dorms with a bird’s eye view,” the official said. “He’s going to watch those students like a hawk, except better, because eagles have superior eyesight.”

TREE HOUSE STATISTICS !" AU will build tree houses in 98.6 percent of all trees on campus. The remaining 1.4 percent were already filled with hippies. !" All tree houses will be built by the same company responsible for the canopies over the bridge between MGC and Butler.

“A few will definitely collapse in even a moderate snow storm,” an AU official said.

“We’re expecting casualties.” !"All tree houses will be built with compacted paper towels saved from AU bathrooms.