Volume XXXIII • Issue 2 • November 2017
the FEDERALIST Columbia’s Only Newspaper That Is Its Own Tooth Fairy
THE STAFF EDITORIAL BOARD Thomas Germain Ben Greenspan Feditors-in-Chief Ani Wilcenski Managing Editor Benjamin Most Head Submissions Editor ASSOCIATE BOARD Bridget Scanlon Layout Editor Isaiah Bennett Nicholas Ribolla WIlliam Reed Simmons Hayley Tillett Luis David Vera Submissions Editors Natalie Arenzon Graphics Editor Michelle Dandeneau Undertaker Max Rosenberg Iqraz Nanji Senior Editors STAFF WRITERS Jeremy Adkins Johnathan Rafael Andrade Harrison Gale Kevin Gong Garrison Grogan Noah Harouche Alexandra Harris Dallas Marie Koelling Caitlin Lent Philip James Maehr Julia Schreder Augustus John O'Connor Yi Wang Jackson Watson
A Dispatch from the Feditors Dear Readers, In his seminal 1857 essay A Plea For Culture, Thomas Wentworth Higginson wrote “there should be some place in America where a young man may go… that kindles his enthusiasm, and find there instrumentalities to help the flame.” Yet in the century and a half since Higginson penned those famous words, his dream has gone unrealized. Nowhere has this been truer than the Upper West Side of Manhattan, and as sad as it may be for the fellows at our fair Columbia, Morningside Heights is no exception. Our neighborhood has been - if the reader will excuse the cliché - a cultural wasteland, a desert devoid of any opportunity for civilized practice. It seems, however, that this dismal state of affairs may finally be at an end. A candle shines in the darkness, dear reader. In the early months of the coming year, Panda Express comes to Broadway. For too long, Columbia students have gone to bed with their hunger unsatiated and their minds pining for something greater. It’s true that last year’s flourish with John J.J.’s was a brief respite from our campus’ total lack of cultivation. But after the disturbing announcement that Heinz Ketchup would be removed from the dining halls, many of us began to feel that any hope for an enlightened culture stemming from within the college was wishful thinking. Perhaps it was foolish to imagine that the university system could inspire a movement of ordinary people making demands for a better life; but fortunately for the dreamers among us, the hands of fate have delivered the opportunity to find such encouragement elsewhere. In the coming months, Columbians will finally have something to fill the orange-chicken-sized hole in their hearts. This novel dining option in Morningside Heights represents more than an extension of thirty years of Hunan inspired cooking, a family friendly atmosphere, and a commitment to philanthropy; it is the culmination of the search for a truly beneficent culture that some cynics had all but abandoned. Higginson said that “Culture is the training and finishing of the whole man.” We believe that Panda Express will bring that personally transformative element that has thus far been sorely absent from our collegiate experience. For this reason, and so many more, we at The Federalist would like to be the first to welcome Panda Express to its new home in Morningside Heights. Sincerely, Thomas Germain & Ben Greenspan Editors in Chief
TABLE OF CONTENTS
PAGE 3: The real fat lines are outside Shake Shack, amirite? PAGE 4-5: A Grand Ole Party, but don't play any trap music. PAGE 6: Imagine if puppers read. They'd think we were heckin idiots. PAGE 7: Call me daddy, and call your real daddy The Fed PAGE 8: The Thinker, could like, get it. Cover Artwork by Natalie Arenzon
HAVE YOU PEOPLE HEARD OF 2C-B?
Student Whose Grandfather Sacrificed Everything for the American Dream Hasn’t Even Bothered to Try Shake Shack By ANI WILCENSKI AND MAX ROSENBERG Heckin Jews 116TH AND BROADWAY—Asked for his opinion on Morningside Heights’ newest mainstay, Dave Jablonsky CC ’20 disdainfully shook his head. “Nah, never been to Shake Shack,” said the third-generation American. “Not really my kind of place.” “It’s just so unhealthy,” said Jablonsky, whose grandfather trekked across Europe with just two potatoes in his battered rucksack to catch a passage to America. “Too much saturated fat. And, oh God, the
salt.” “Plus, the line is always so long that I don’t even think it’s worth the wait. It’s so much easier to grab some potstickers from Morton Williams,” continued Jablonsky, whose grandfather had huddled in line at Ellis Island between a man with whooping cough and a leper for three freezing cold days. Multiple sources have corroborated Jablonsky’s careless disdain for America. “Yup, he’s never been,” said friend Matthew Sabra CC ‘20. “It’s honestly offensive. My great-grandmother barely made it here and had to work her hands to the bone to provide for
her family. You bet your ass I’m eating at Shake Shack at least once a week, not for me, but for her." “Despite the family history and all,” said Kate Hemsby SEAS ‘19, “it’s worth a try, like c’mon.” As of press time, Jablonsky was sighted stepping into Milano’s and overlooking the vast array of mouthwatering sandwiches, preferring to just grab a tray of sushi from the cooler.
world, or in the specific collections of books at each library.” The news was accompanied by uproar from thousands of graduate students who had been hiding from their more youthful and hopeful counterparts in the numerous other libraries on campus. “This is our ancestral homeland,” claimed Alex Poulopoulos, TC’19. “We’ve been here for generations and this influx of young revelers totally disturbs our peaceful way of life. They come gallivanting into our lands to 'have an experience' without any interest in honestly understanding the communities they’re disturbing. It’s been decades since anyone snorted a line in the bathroom of the geology library and now we can’t even tell what mineral powder is and is not a hard drug!” The program is being advertised via stylized post-
ers around campus, pushing students to try out new libraries for their exotic feel. Each library has even been given a promotional tagline, such as Lehman Library: The Flower of EC, Watson Library: Come in and Sell Out, and The Social Work Library: You Didn’t Even Fucking Know About This One Did Ya? Despite these increased initiatives, undergrads are still reluctant to step outside the “hurt locker” that is Butler Library. “There’s just something so reassuring when you know everyone else around you is totally fucked because they have poor time-management skills. I wouldn’t want to jeopardize my guaranteed procrastination by leaving!” lamented one Butler resident as he browsed normie memes.
alumni network; it’s the insane number and variety of surfaces off of which I can rail a fat fucking line at any time of day or night.” Prospective students are also affected by the information gap. “I guess it was fun to learn about the stone used to build Butler Library, but what I really wanted to get out of the tour was where on campus I could find the smoothest, shiniest surface to bleed a massive trail of Florida snow,” Aaron Campbell, a
junior at Fairfield Prep, said. “I thought it was frankly irresponsible that the tour guide failed to mention even one location in which my son could find himself bucking the wild white pony at 3:15pm on a Wednesday afternoon,” added Campbell’s father, a former McKinsey executive who fondly remembers his formative college years spent dancing the dirty tango with Lady Caine . “That was the very first stop on Aaron’s Dartmouth tour."
Columbia Offers Non-Butler Libraries as Study Abroad Option By W. REED SIMMONS
Frequent Flyer With increasing demand for study abroad options and limited funding, the Office of Global Programs has created a new program allowing students to pick from any library that is not Butler Library as a study abroad option. The program comes after a great deal of complaints that most of the study abroad experiences were merely created by Columbia to foist its students on other international institutions. “In an increasingly interconnected world, we at the Office of Global Programs are hoping that a trip up to Union Theological Seminary or down into Lehman can be reframed as its own rich adventure!” said representative Linda Mulcher. “A change of scenery can really open up one’s mind to the possibilities in the
Campus Tours Neglect to Mention Best Spots on Campus to Rail a Fat Line By CAITLIN LENT
Cola Enthusiast
While Columbia campus tours give prospective students a glimpse of undergraduate academics and life, some tour guides feel that important aspects of the Columbia experience, including recommended on-campus locations to rail a fat line, are not included in the regular tour program. “I just want to share what I love most about this school,” tour guide Adam Beckett CC ’19 said. “It’s not the competitive teacher-student ratio, the opportunities for undergraduate research, or the extensive
NOW THAT"S A GOD DAMN TRIP
By NATALIE ARENZON
BORKIN ALL OVER THE WORLD
Student Calling Dogs "Puppers" Later to Call for the Reinstatement of Public Torture By W. REED SIMMONS
Hard 6/10
COLLEGE WALK-- Jansen Colby, CC ‘19, was seen today fawning over dogs on college walk, repeatedly calling them, “the cutest little puppers to have ever walked on four pupper legs.” He referred to himself as an “Expert Dogspotter” and then about two minutes later, with almost no segue, suggested that our justice system would “just work better if we brought public torture back.” Though his friends were noticeably uncomfortable with this statement and his accompanying explanation, which included phrases like “learning through
vicarious living to avoid crime” and “public torture is just more honest and humane than prison,” Colby continued to discuss the topic while occasionally interrupting his tirade to make faces at dogs. He then began to laugh at how cute a “doggo’s boof ”--a dog’s bark--was after quoting from Michel Foucault’s Discipline and Punish, suggesting that ripping a man’s skin off was a much more honest form of punishment than relegating people to prison. Many friends of Colby were eager to speak about his strange penchant for the two subjects, like Melissa Hemsby SEAS ‘20, who said, “It’s really shocking how
quickly he goes back and forth between the topics. One minute it’s all about how annoying it is the res-life people are for not letting him bring his ‘fluffers’ from home to live with him and then the next he’s talking about why bicameralism is a joke when discussing the death penalty in Alabama.” Jordan Chan CC’ 20 was in agreement, stating, “He’s just weird. Like I’ve met some freaks while I’ve been here but he’s got like next-level American Psycho vibes going on.” When asked about his strangely intertwined thoughts, Colby had this to say: “I know, it’s so strange right? Something about those cute little faces just gets me
going about how much better public torture would work out than our current broken justice system when considering the utilitarian calculus. I can’t really help it! Guess it’s just one of those things!” Sources report that Colby got continually worked up by both the passing dogs and his argument, drawing attention from strangers who were graced with sentences such as, “that was the best bork I have ever heard from a floof-oh, and we can’t forget the inefficacy of the death penalty! Just hang them! Hang them damnit! Oh, wait is that a thicc boi?”
Football Team Credits Success to Coach Bagnoli's "Spanking Tent" By JEREMY ADKINS
Coy by Choice
Despite a reputation for their perennial losing record, Columbia Football has become a juggernaut in the Ivy League, finishing the 2017 season with a formidable 8-2 record .It’s clear that Columbia head Coach Al “Big Daddy” Bagnoli is making big changes to the Lions football program. We interviewed several players to gain some key insights into the new culture Coach Bagnoli is cultivating . Glenallen Mixon, Wide Receiver (CC, ‘20):
FED: To what do you credit your team’s newfound success? How has Coach Bagnoli cultivated this success in a previously unsuccessful team? Mixon: Coach always tells us that the most important thing is mentality. If you keep expecting to lose, you’re gonna keep losing. But coach kept telling us, ‘Guys, you’re a damn talented group, and I know you can win games. Because if you keep losing, you’re gonna know the sting inside my spanking tent.’ That really stuck with me, and got me convinced that I can win. There’s no motivator like the spanking tent.
Bobson Dugnutt, Defensive Tackle (SEAS, ‘18): FED: As a senior member of the team, you’ve been here since before Coach Bagnoli arrived. What have been the biggest changes? Dugnutt: I think Coach Bagnoli put a lot of pressure on the administration to provide more resources for players now. A new medical tent right on the field to make sure players stay in tip-top shape and are always ready physically. And another, smaller tent right next to that one, where Coach takes us
to make sure that we stop being bad.
Willie Dustice, Tight End (CC, ‘19): FED: We’ve been hearing a lot about something called “Coach Bagnoli’s Spanking Tent”. What exactly is that? Dustice: The spanking tent is the beginning and the end. It’s where I start my days and end my nights. I know the black leather interior, as dark as the night sky; I know how the wind howls through its inky flaps, tearing at my uniform and filling my heart with fear. There’s no escape, even in sleep. It's why we win. It's all because of Daddy's tent.
Op-Ed: Was My Jafar Costume Cultural Appropriation? By NOAH HAROUCHE
Soft 5/10 With Halloween in the rear-view mirror, I’ve begun to reminisce on my typical late-October activities. I bought the candy, put up some spooky decorations in my room, and brushed the dust off of my beloved Jafar costume. But this year, every time I walked down the halls of John Jay, I was confronted with bulletin boards describing cultural appropriation and how to avoid it as Halloween drew near. This has caused me to ponder for the very first time: is my Jafar costume cultural appropriation? When I first found myself asking this question I was taken aback. I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after
all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut. I hadn’t realized that the baritone British accent and scarlet macaw plush I’d flaunted were aspects of Arabic culture I’d grossly misrepresented. Without understanding the significance of Gilbert Gottfried in the Middle East, I couldn’t comprehend how my strutting around with Iago the Parrot perched on my shoulder might be an offensive reminder of my complicity in colonial power structures. I’ve neglected to face the reality that an animated musical adventure romcom written by 4 white men named Ron, John, Teddy, and Terry is not sim-
ply a costume -- it’s a culture. A culture that I am only further oppressing by demeaning its rich history into a convenient outfit. After taking the time to educate myself on the real Magic Royal Vizier of Agrabah, I’ve come to the conclusion that my beloved Jafar costume might not have a place in this modern world and that maybe it’s time to put those curly red slippers away for good. This year, I took a much different approach to my Halloween garb, and instead went as a sexy Walt Disney Pictures Executive Producer.
I'M A FLOOFER MAN
EVERYBODY, GET TESTED
OP ED: I Came to Columbia for Its Academics, Not to Pretend I Know What Football Is By JULIA SCHREDER Great Tove Lo Impersonator Let me be the one to say what we’re all thinking fuck the football team for starting the season so well. When I applied to this esteemed institution, I was assured that I would be surrounded by hordes of nerds who only ever walked on a football field when deploying their telescopes on a particularly starry night; but now, because some ball was tossed into a goal, I must converse about some great catch by a wide receptacle. What happened to the good old days
when we could all just make chemistry jokes and Iliad references? Yesterday, my two friends had a whole conversation about Jose Altuve’s power hitting abilities; what does any of that even fucking mean? This school is being overrun by jocks, and I’m being left behind, desperately trying to understand the difference between a touchoff and a kickdown. This is the Ivy League; we’re supposed to scorn the athletically-inclined who we tacitly acknowledge will be working for us in ten years. If I had wanted to
have fun during my college experience, I would have gone to a state school with attractive people and sunlight.
"This school is being overrun by jocks, and I'm left behind, desperately trying to understand the difference between a touchoff and a kickdown."
But no, I chose Columbia explic-
itly because of its pervasive stress culture and alarmingly high suicide rate. I came to college to titillate my mind and reinforce my leftist viewpoints by engaging in meaningful discourse with those on the left and those on the further left. Now, the conservatives have the upper-hand, just because they understand what a forward pass is. I am so disturbed by these recent developments to our school environment that I am seriously considering transferring to a school where the football team sucks, like Cornell.
New Student Finally Adjusting to College, Gonorrhea By JACKSON WATSON Shitty Tove Lo Impersonator First-year Bryan Hanor was a little overwhelmed when he first arrived at Columbia; balancing rigorous academics, a new social atmosphere, and what he described as “the glorious carousel of quality dick in the city” seemed a near herculean task, only compounded
by his recent gonorrhea diagnosis. “He really seemed a little overwhelmed by all the work.,” Hanor‘s roommate told reporters on Monday. “I think there were some challenges he’d never rubbed up against: longer essays, higher analytical expectations, that sort of thing. But, honestly, I think the biggest change was moving from Podunk, Nebraska to a modern-day Gomorrah.
Back home, he had to wait months for some strange from the big city to pass through, and now he had all the cock his tiny twink hands could handle. Human orifices just aren’t meant for that kind of wanton plenty.” Though initially downtrodden after receiving his diagnosis, Bryan has bounced back, thanks to compassionate professors, good friends, and a booty
shot from health services. Columbia is truly filled to the brim with stories of redemption, and Bryan’s is no different. The freshman is now able to balance his time between understanding the ethics of Hellenistic culture and informing all of his recent sexual partners that they should get tested.
Mel’s Bouncer Clearly Doesn’t Realize How Powerful My Daddy Is By W. REED SIMMONS Tove Lo in Disguise Sources confirmed to The Federalist that Manny, the bouncer who works at Mel’s Burger Bar on weekends, is totally unprepared for the hellfire that my highpowered father is about to bestow upon him for not letting me, an underaged teen, into the bar this past Friday. Barring entrance to the clearly over-served is a cause worth fighting for and there is nothing that will spare Manny from my
daddy’s wrath. There I was, cutting the line at the bar as God intended. I sidled up to Manny, flashed my American Express Black card, and continued at a leisurely pace -- that is, until an arm blocked my path. “Not working here, man,” the ignorant oaf proclaimed. “Flustered” does not even come close to explaining my utter confusion. My word, the last time I was told “no” was in response to the ques-
tion, “Daddy, is there any Ivy League school your connections cannot get me into?” Rest assured, this slight will not go unchallenged. I can’t wait until I see the look on Manny’s face as I peer out from the tinted windows of my father’s Audi, as he is fired for his foolish disregard for the power that my name holds. Then, I say, then he will learn to never keep me from something that is clear-
STD TESTS ARE HOT
ly not entitled to me but I assume is. The problem at hand is obviously upbringing, as Manny seems to be totally unaware of the established rules governing my society. If only he had more perspective he would see how utterly ridiculous his behavior has been. Hopefully he will have time to reflect on this as he wallows in unemployment; daddy will make sure of that.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE MAIL?
Plain and Simple: Campus Statues I'd Fuck
I'm not gonna beat around the bush here. These statues have it going on and I would like to have sex with them. By JACKSON WATSON
Scholar's Lion
Life Force
The Thinker
Now some may say, “that’s disgusting, how is a lion fuckable?” But let’s be honest, this handsome piece of ass is straight-up ripped. Fucking this lion would serve as an apt metaphor for your 4 years at this school. He’ll leave you $250,000 in debt and sore in all the wrong places. That’s hot.
This statue, though a little loose for some, may just need a bit of jelly, or another viscous substance, put in the center. It’s already got probably the most fuckable shape, so once you’ve adjusted it to your size, baby you’re good to go.
If you’re a “sapiosexual,” The Thinker is the statue for you. Just think about what it would be like to fuck him. The whole encounter will end with him taking a very long shower and seeming not to move. Does that not sound fucking kinky?
The Great God Pan I think just about everyone has considered fucking this one.
Kneeler Alright, this little guy is basically cruising for a bruising. So much sweet, sweet surface area.
PEPE SILVIA
Tightrope Walker Did somebody say 3-way? These hot little freaks are flexible as hell.