Rotten, Rancid, Ruinous Apples

Lauren Meyer FLAT HAT OPINIONS ASSOC.

For those who don’t know, a mealy apple is one that has that weird, awful texture: too soft and almost crumbly. A mealy apple tastes bad and is overall terrible. Even if you don’t know the word, you know what I’m talking about. We all do. Because they’re terrible.

What makes it even worse is an apple could feel and look fine on the outside but reveal an absolutely awful inside on first bite. You can sometimes try to press gently on the skin to see if it gives — if it does, run. That apple will NOT be good.

But this is not a foolproof test. Mealy apples are everywhere. You have been warned.

And that’s just what makes them so irritating. When I eat an apple, I want it crisp; I want it clean.

And so, when I bite into an apple thinking I’m going to have a delicious treat but am instead met with what feels like wet cat food disintegrating in my mouth, I get angry. What am I going to do? Go get another apple, just for it to be mealy, too? I’d just keep getting apples, piling them on my plate, taking one bite into each and spitting them out, with my rage and a mealy apple fortress building around me. I wouldn’t want that. No one would.

March Madness is the best sporting event of all time. It’s the only sporting event that brings together households, offices and schools. 40 million Americans fill out a bracket each year, and more people join in yearly. The third Thursday of each March, the world stops: at noon until past midnight, there is nonstop basketball, constant action and unforgettable moments. And the next day, it repeats all over again. Over the weekend, there’s eight more games a day until there’s finally a break. No other event will have a combined 48 games in four days and still make them all fun to watch.

But my favorite part of March Madness is the hunt for the perfect bracket. Correctly predicting every single game of March Madness seems like an impossible feat, but every year people think someone will finally do it. The chances are astronomically low — 1 in 9.2 quintillion — but everyone believes one year it will finally happen. It is a testament to the perseverance of the human spirit. We will watch each game until, eventually, the last perfect bracket is gone. And next year it will all repeat. We get another chance, and that is the beauty of it all.

But why is it so hard to get a perfect bracket? It’s all about the upsets. Every year one team that was flawless throughout the regular season will get upset, yet the upset still catches the whole basketball community off guard every single time. Last year, it was No. 15 seed Saint Peter’s beating No. 2 seed Kentucky, then later No. 3 seed Purdue. A few years before that, it was Oral Roberts, Florida Gulf Coast and Middle Tennessee. No one predicts these tiny mid-major schools upsetting some of the biggest in the nation. It’s the ultimate David versus Goliath story. It gives hope to smaller schools across the country that one day they will be the ones who achieve the biggest upset in college basketball history.

It is a testament to the perseverance of the human spirit. We will watch each game until, eventually, the last perfect bracket is gone. And next year it will all repeat. We get another chance, and that is the beauty of it all.

March Madness is also incredible because it features, in my opinion, the greatest single game upset of all time in any sport. Late at night during the first day of March Madness in 2018, No. 1 seed Virginia played No. 16 seed Maryland, Baltimore County. Normally UVA would be destroying UMBC, but something was in the air that night. The guards at UMBC destroyed UVA, and it wasn't even close throughout the game. They were the only No. 16 seed to ever beat, no, destroy a No. 1 seed.

But overall, March Madness is so great because of the memories. Everyone who watches remembers at least one game or play. Everyone fondly recalls filling out one bracket as a kid or watching the games in the middle of a class. It’s special to tens of millions of Americans, and every one of these people can tell you a story about it. Very few events unite a country like the tipoff of the first game of the tournament, and the experience is unmatched. In life, there are very few certainties, but every March I find myself faced with two: I will always watch March Madness, and I will always think I have the perfect bracket.

NelsonWuchner'26isbusinessmajorandamember oftheMasonInvestmentClub.Hespendhistime listeningtomusic,workingoutatthegymandplayingin intramurals.Contacthimatnjwuchner@wm.edu.

Apples are, in almost any situation, the perfect snack. Want to eat something moderately filling? Apple. Want it to be more savory? Add peanut butter. Want to feel like a child in the countryside? Apple and cheese. Want something sweet? Caramel apple. Feel like eating fruit after only consuming fries at the dining hall because the entrees were unappealing? Have an apple! And we can’t forget that an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Unlike other fruits (cough, bananas, cough), apples are safe on the go because they don’t pose a threat to your bag by exploding and oozing everywhere. They bruise less than softer fruits, and they also smell less strongly, so you and your belongings are less likely to smell because of an apple than something like an orange. And honestly, they just taste better than most fruits. Plus, they come in all different shapes and tastes to fit your desired appley needs.

Except apples come with one terrible, terrible flaw. One thing keeps them from being truly perfect: their mealiness.

Most of the time I eat apples, I’m getting them to eat later (because of their extreme portability as mentioned previously). So, there isn’t an opportunity to get a new apple and I’m stuck either eating, what is on all accounts, a disgusting orb or being hungry. Usually, I force myself to eat at least three to four bites so as to not feel wasteful, the whole time wishing my apple was crunchy.

Perhaps there is a lesson in all of this. One, I really should not be putting so much stock into the characteristics of my desired fruit. And two, maybe the mealy apples are what make the good ones even better. The knowledge of a mealy apple’s existence is enough to make me truly appreciate the blessing of a good one. Every time I eat an apple and it’s as crisp as can be, I’ll remember it could have been mealy and never take it for granted again.

Ah, what a nice thought. I’d still prefer that mealy apples be wiped off of the face of the planet, though.

Lauren Meyer ’24 is anAnthropology major and a History minor from Richmond, VA. In addition to writing opinions for the Flat Hat, Lauren is a member of Club Swimming and Club Field Hockey. Her favorite beverage is a Strawberry Kiwi Capri Sun. Contact her at lemeyer@wm.edu.