thoughts on some white boy

Audrey Nguyen

one day you’ll find yourself absent-mindedly staring at that boy from french class and notice how his eyes aren’t really green but a mixture of olive and gold. you’ll realize that you have a novel’s worth of coincidental happenings, moments that fell into place like sand settling at the bottom of a glass. like that stifling june day you got lost on the school field trip and went on every roller coaster together. like that one sunday you decided to join marching band, where it just so happened that you would have spots next to each other. like the fact that he got your number just to help you win over drummer boy’s heart and every single text chain was finished off with a oui, oui madame in horribly butchered french. and you have to wonder, after what feels like a lifetime of chasing lovers to no avail, is there a reason? or does suburbia just expect love to be the next step? he doesn’t give you butterflies nor require a sappy playlist for car ride pondering. but after so many boys dressed in those damn violet wings and vacant eyes, should he have to tug for that to be love? he’s wool-lined sweatshirts and sandcastles and stupid ramblings about parking lots and he makes you smile in a way few people can. but is there a spark, if such a thing exists? why would you risk losing him as a friend for feelings you might not have? is chemistry a learned collision, or is it strung in your blood like gasoline, bound to ignite the second you lay eyes on them?

so many questions and certain uncertainties for someone who’s never been in a relationship. and while you’re aware that your quote unquote “first love” doesn’t have to be a perfect kiss on a starlit evening, the unknown pulses to a throbbing headache. it’s hard for you to accept that young love may be nothing more than a label-less in-between of platonic and romantic. maybe it’s simply appreciating each other’s existence. and whether moon eyes collide or fade to friendly smiles or burn to ashes, right now you’re just two fragile humans who need someone to hold onto.