Why overthinking may be ruining your relationship

CHLOE PLUMMER | CONTENT WRITER

Okay, we have all done it: jump from one piece of flimsy evidence to the idea that “they don't love me anymore”, or “that's it, they're going to call it quits”. With relationships, whether platonic or romantic, this cycle of inner self-sabotage needs to stop. It could be holding your relationship back, or even worse: be the reason for a split. Chances are, you have been overthinking since you entered your teenage years, maybe even before. So, here are some tell-tell signs of serial overthinking and why keeping the nagging voice in your head at bay could save your relationships.

The dreaded “what if?”

Now this can be hard to face, but your brain can really be detrimental to your relationship. If you catch yourself thinking, “what if” your partner is lying about their location, “what if” they are too good for me, or “what if” we break up tomorrow, you really should stop for several reasons. Firstly, if you are constantly questioning your significant other, slowly it will wear you down. Not only is it a negative aspect in the relationship, but it is also inevitable that trust will be lost. It could lead to you starting to feel uncomfortable in a relationship and missing the fun parts. This needs to be emphasised as well: relationships are meant to be fun, exciting, and (sometimes) carefree. If you are putting imagined barriers between yourself and others, the excitement will take a back seat, and you may be left in a relationship with you and your brain. Overthinking can in fact determine your reality, if you are manifested to that belief, it could lead to the loss of people in your life. Instead of living in a questioning phase, give yourself the answers by evidencing and reframing your thoughts. Make sure you conclude your thoughts on one side, whether it be for or against. For instance, “no, my partner doesn’t hate me as he bought me flowers today”, or “yes, my brother hates me because he explicitly told me”. Evidence will be the tonic to your overthinking, which is hard to hear but will become an easy routine to stop the spiral of negative thoughts.

Not living in the present.

This one I think we have all been guilty of: the number of hours that people spend thinking about past moments and how we could have changed what happened is astounding. For instance, an interaction with a friend that may have seemed slightly awkward, or tense can lead to overthinking the flaws in the relationship and believing it to be near its end. Suffering in silence in the worst thing for overthinkers to do. Worrying will blow the situation out of proportion and not allow you to live in the present. To be your most authentic self, living in the present is imperative. People will be grateful if you take things as they come, not catastrophising over every silent pause, or cancelling plans. Looking too much to the future can also really damage a relationship. Take a romantic relationship for instance, pouring ideas of marriage, children, and a clear future into the early stages of relationships can provoke anxiety. Of course, it is fun, and sometimes necessary, to talk about the future, but remember nothing is set in stone. Therefore, overthinking the future can truly ruin the present day. Living in the moment, if anything, will probably guarantee a happier future together. So next time you find your thoughts dragging your back to the past or pulling you prematurely into the future, ground yourself. Realise that for right now, you are in the place you are meant to be; you have managed to get to this place, and that, with time and mindfulness, you may realise that the present moments are fulfilling. Make it an incentive and a positive thing to live in the moment.

Relationship for one, please

If you feel like you are in a relationship with yourself when you are around a loved one, this is a major sign of overthinking. Sometimes, when our thoughts have created a version of someone in our heads, it will become hard to see that person as anything else than what insecurities you project onto them. This can lead you to isolating yourself from the reality of connecting with people. Overthinking can detach you from meaningful interactions. Do not leave things silent or unsaid. Speak out loud exactly what you are thinking to your loved ones. Let your mind speak for itself This is such an easy and quick way to put any negative feelings to rest. This could go one of two ways, either your significant other will validate your feelings leading to resolution, or more probably, your loved one will explain to you that this thought has come with zero evidence, and you can have an appropriate discussion. You have nothing to lose with communication. Let honesty be your best friend.

Closing Thoughts

So, whether throughout this article you have realised that you may be guilty of overthinking relationships, or you have found some key tips to stop the relentless voices in your head ruining reality. Just remember this is a process, the act of overthinking will never truly disappear from your brain. Recognising that these thoughts are lacking in evidence is sometimes the hardest part and admitting to yourself that you are catastrophising relationships can seem impossible. But conscious conversations with loved ones, finding evidence for and against your thoughts, and not suffering in silence, will help you stop overthinking and ruining relationships.

Source: https://unsplash.com/photos/CCjgYjUudxE. Image of two hands