Worst-case pegging scenario isn’t all bad

by Dan Savage

> MY BOYFRIEND OF SIX MONTHS WANTS TO TRY PEGGING AND I’M DOWN.

But he wants “the whole experience,” which means sucking the dildo too. That raises a red flag for me. I know how this sounds before I even ask, so please forgive me if this question is insensitive. But does his desire to suck on the dildo indicate gay or bi tendencies? He says he’s not attracted to men, but he will sometimes make remarks about a “good looking guy” he saw. He also told me he had a threesome in his early 20s with a married couple and that the husband sucked him off. He says he hasn’t done anything like that since—and he’s had tons of sex and done a lot of freaky stuff. Is this a kink? Would this leave him wanting the real thing? He wants to get married and all that. Should I be concerned?

Wondering About Sexual Proclivities

I’m gonna crawl out on a limb here and assume your boyfriend has demonstrated—to your satisfaction—that he enjoys straight sex. Or opposite-sex sex, I should say, since not everyone who has “straight” sex is straight. Bisexuals have “straight” sex all the time; sometimes even gays and lesbians have “straight” sex, and not always under the duress of the closet. Just as some straights are heteroflexible, some gays and lesbians are homoflexible.

Anyway, I’m gonna assume your boyfriend likes to kiss you, he likes your tits, he eats your pussy, and he fucks you senseless. And I feel confident in making this assumption because if he was only going through the motions when he was having sex with you, if the “straight” sex you were having together was bad or infrequent, you surely would’ve mentioned that fact.

Let’s game out your worst-case scenario: Your boyfriend is bisexual. Would that really be so bad, WASP? If you’re going to obsess about the downsides of marrying a bisexual guy—he’s going to want to fuck a guy once in a while—you should at least pause to consider the upsides. For instance, you won’t have to be on the receiving end of penetration every time you say yes to sex, WASP, because you’ll get to do the penetrating every once in a while. And the occasional MMF threesome… well, that seems like the best-case scenario to me, WASP, but I’m a little like your boyfriend: here for the freaky stuff.

> I’M A 38-YEAR-OLD MOTHER OF TWO YOUNGISH KIDS IN A 10-YEAR HETERO RELATIONSHIP THAT I AM DESTROYING I cheated with a girl at my job at the end of last year and now I have feelings for her.

I’ve ended the affair several times, but each time we start back up again. I’ve always known that I’m bisexual but never really explored that side of myself. I don’t know if I never explored this side of myself out of fear, internalized homophobia, or that the right girl never presented herself. Now I need to choose. Do I stay with my longterm partner, a man I love dearly, and tamp down this side of myself? Or do I break up with him and explore my sexuality? If we didn’t have kids, I would choose the latter. We have talked about opening up the relationship but he is way too hurt for that to be an option anymore. I know I majorly fucked up. I betrayed his trust and snuck around with this girl. Am I just a horrible person who needs to get her shit together and somehow patch things up with my partner? Or is exploring my sexuality something that I should prioritize over stability and long-term love?

Confused As Fuck

If you were childless—or child-free— you would leave. But you aren’t childfree, CAF, and you owe it to your kids to at least try to make things work with your long-term partner.

That said, CAF, you aren’t obligated to stay in a relationship you can’t make work. If your actions have irrevocably destroyed your partner’s ability to trust you, and if you can’t come to some sort of accommodation moving forward that allows you to be the person you are (an accommodation that could take many different forms), ending it may ultimately be in the best interests of your kids. Because a bitter, loveless, high-conflict relationship will not only make you and

LOOKING FOR ORGANIC YOGURT AFTER A WORKOUT, WHOLE FOODS KITS your partner miserable, but it will also make your kids miserable.

If your relationship never recovers from the blows you’ve inflicted on it—if you can’t get past this—then you’ll have to end it. But at this point you simply don’t know whether or how this relationship can be salvaged. So, give it a chance, do the work, and see where you are in a year. If leaving was ultimately the right thing to do, it’ll still be the right thing to do a year from now. If leaving was the wrong thing to do, you won’t be able to undo it a year from now.

As you may have noticed—as anyone who’s been paying attention should have noticed by now—monogamy isn’t easy for anyone. And while it’s considered bi-phobic to suggest that monogamy might be a little bit harder for bisexual people, most of the people making that argument to me are bisexuals who made monogamous commitments before fully exploring their sexualities. LGBTQ people never tire of pointing out how a particular thing might be harder for gay men and a different particular thing might be harder for lesbians and another particular thing might be a whole lot harder for trans people and a long list of other things might be a bazillion times harder for asexuals, demisexuals, sapiosexuals, omnisexuals, etc., etc., etc. And yet it’s somehow taboo to suggest that monogamy—which, again, is pretty damn hard for everyone—might be just a tiny bit harder for bisexuals.

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SYLVIE—WE SHOPPED FOR MUJI NOTEBOOKS— DROP ME A LINE?

Tattooed Dude At Steph Tolev Comedy Show

You were sitting at the end of the fifth row, to the left of the stage. I was sitting a couple metres away on the raised stools. Couldn’t tell who you were watching more, the comedian or me! Cute, shy exchange of smiles at the end. You should have said hi.

From: F to M

When: Friday, February 24

Where: The Biltmore

Whole Foods Kits. Almost closing time. Long jacket? Dark hair. You were looking for organic Greek yogurt. It was right where I was standing. I pointed it out. You got some yogurt. I got some yogurt. “Ah, 17 grams of protein,” you said. “Are you training for something?” I asked. “You had just come from the gym,” said you. You had said you did a lot of sports. Instead, I headed home. Try again? Meet you in the yogurt section?

From: F to M

When: Friday, February 24

Where: Whole Foods Kitsilano

Which one of us started a conversation about notebooks for writing in, then little travel bottles, working in Yaletown, and your plans to visit a southern place? I wished I’d spoken up, given you my card, asked you to write me a line. I felt appreciated by you, and I was so surprised to feel that, that I “lost track of my toes” so to speak, such that I missed the little leap needed to make better contact right then. Thank you for those little moments.

From F to F

When: Tuesday, February 7

Where: Muji shop, Robson Street