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alone may have upset you, you didn’t spend Christmas alone, right? So maybe give your asshole boyfriend some credit for that? All that said, your boyfriend could reasonably argue that you could’ve and should’ve isolated yourself at the onset of your symptoms and not spent multiple nights with him before you, predictably, tested positive. But if you were to let go of your anger about him suggesting you spend Christmas alone, maybe that would inspire him to let go of his anger about not seeing his family. Because at the end of the day, FUCKCOVID, it was same desire for human contact that prompted you to put your boyfriend at risk (by hanging out with him after the onset of symptoms) and prompted your boyfriend to contemplate putting his family at risk (by hanging out with them after a significant exposure). So, recognizing your mutual assholery, maybe— in the spirit of the holiday—you two can forgive each other and move the fuck on. While I had De-Lin on the line, I asked her for some advice for all of us—all us assholes—on getting through the next wave of this seemingly never-ending pandemic. “We have ways that we can prevent the spread of the Omicron variant: get vaccinated and boosted, isolate when positive or after a high-risk exposure, wear masks in indoor settings, and keep gatherings outdoors,” said DeLin. “The COVID Omicron variant is not only significantly more infectious than any variant we’ve seen so far but it’s also coming at the worst possible time: the holiday season. So, it’s running rampant through the country and the world, and hospitals are already at the breaking point, making it more important than ever to avoid catching and spreading the virus.” And as difficult as it might seem right now—and it seems mighty difficult—taking the long view will help us get through this. “It’s important to remember that this wave,
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Dan Savage’s advice this week includes the contention that cheating has many victims.
and the pandemic itself, will get much better, and we will be able to gather with our families and friends again in the ways that we used to, without fear,” De-Lin said. “In the meantime, I hope that the letter writer and her boyfriend, and all of us, can be patient and forgiving with each other in these challenging times.” Follow Dr. Stacy De-Lin on Instagram @ stacydelin_md. b IN THE MID- to late 1980s, when I was a toddler, my father had an affair. For some reason, he confessed to my mother in the early 1990s. She was furious, and they separated for two years. My sister and I stayed with our mom during the week, and we shared a room in our father’s two-bedroom apartment on the weekends. During this time, my mother frequently and loudly badmouthed him and would call him “the man in the apartment”. After two years, they got back together, probably “for the kids”, but my mom constantly held the infidelity over my father’s head. My sister and I were aware of the former mistress’s name, as my mother would
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bring her up whenever we passed by a motel or at other random moments. She still refers to my father as “the man in the apartment”. I hated this and I thought we all would have been better off had they just divorced. Their histrionics (her histrionics) and some incredibly punitive nuns instilled in me, a heterosexual male, the idea that boys are stupid and bad and girls are mean and inflict punishment. I developed shame about being male coupled with a resentment of women, issues I’m still working through. Now my parents are well into their 70s and my mother has actually gotten worse. My mother somehow found his former mistress online and uses her photo as her screensaver. She brings up the affair constantly and bullies my father about it daily. This has been going on for 30 years! Right now, I’m out of town for the holidays with my mom and my sister and my dad told me he might move out before she returns. Is this salvageable? Should I insist he stay? For the first half of my life (I’m nearly 40), I was firmly on “Team Mom”. That has radically shifted in recent years. My dad can be a real jackass, but he has carried this cross for too long and doesn’t deserve this. - Sad And Disappointed Seeing Ongoing Nightmare
the affair is not always the victim of the marriage,” as famed psychotherapist and author Esther Perel says, and your parents’ marriage may be the best single example of a marriage where the cheater is (or became) the victim. Yes, SADSON, your dad wronged your mom when he had that affair 30 years ago. (An affair he should’ve kept his mouth shut about.) But if your mom couldn’t bring herself to forgive your dad and/or couldn’t stop punishing him—or, worse yet, if she only took him back so she could punish him every day for the rest of his life—then your mom long ago ceded the moral high ground to your dad. “The victim of
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Someone who can’t forgive infidelity in a reasonable period of time (like, say, during a two-year separation) has no business taking a cheating spouse back. And someone who can’t resist involving their children in a long, vindictive, self-pitying campaign to destroy their cheating spouse has no business having children in the first place. Your dad should move out; your mom should get a mental-health assessment; and Companion you and your sister should stop—finally— Companion allowing your mother to abuse you like this. P.S. I hope there were other women. b I’M JUST WRITING to say thanks. When I was a teenager back in the late 2000s, my head was filled with fantasies of sadism and domination, and I was convinced I was a monster. But I found your column, and every once in a while you answered a question from someone about hardcore BDSM. No matter how (consensually) cruel and unusual someone’s fantasies were, you always spoke nonjudgementally about best practices in BDSM safety and wished them well. Yours was the first voice to ever tell me, even indirectly, that my sexual fantasies weren’t the mark of a broken and irredeemably evil mind. It was the first step on the road to learning to love myself. You probably hear that sort of thing from a lot of readers, but even so. I wanted to tell you that your Massage column basically Massage saved my life. I can’t thank you enough. - Savage’s Advice, Dude, It Saved Me
Thank you for the very sweet note, SADISM, and here’s hoping my column didn’t just make you feel better about your fantasies but also inspired you to go find consenting adult partners who wanted to realize them with and for you! g Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage. Email: questions@savagelove.net. Columns, podcasts, books, merch, and more at www.savage.love.
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