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from previous page extracurricular dick was on Feeld looking for and/or offering up a little extracurricular dick of their own. The threat of mutually assured destruction—if they gossip about you, you’ll gossip about them—is usually enough to restrain bad actors, as is the threat of the obvious follow-up question. (“Wait, why are you on Feeld?”) And most people on hookup apps aren’t bad actors, HUSH, but fundamentally decent people like you and your wife, i.e., singles and couples looking for a little fun, not for an opportunity to hurt anyone. A friend or a relative or a coworker who spots your wife in a bar with a strange man—or in the lobby of a hotel or on her way into your apartment—is likelier to cause you headaches than one of your fellow perverts online.

To minimize your risk of being spotted and outed on the apps, HUSH, don’t post face pics and only share them after you’ve established—to the best of your ability—the person you’re talking to isn’t a bot, a pic collector, or an extortionist. Again, there’s no way to fully eliminate the risk, but at a certain point you have to trust your gut and take a risk. You also have the option of creating a profile in a city you visit regularly but don’t live in, HUSH. After you’ve found and vetted a few good candidates, get yourself some airline tickets and a hotel room and have those drinks in a bar that a colleague, a fan, or your father-in-law is unlikely to walk into.

b THERE’S A STORY making the rounds on Reddit about people getting those metallic “bejewelled butt plugs” all the way into their asses and needing pretty intense intervention to get them out, ranging from partners pulling them out with their fingers (the unfun kind of double penetration) to actual surgery in a hospital. The blame, apparently, lies in the fact that the base of these toys is rarely wider than the widest part of the head, which is pretty damning, and that lubed metal is slipperier then lubed silicone.

So here are the operative questions: are metallic bejewelled butt plugs safe or not so much? Are silicone bejewelled butt plugs any safer? Are there any safe bejewelled buttplug options out there?

- Insertion Toy Extraction Messy Situation

I’ve seen those jewelled butt plugs in shops and in photos online—they’re usually made from stainless steel and have glass “gems” mounted at the end of an alarmingly narrow base—but I’ve never actually seen one in person. Or in a person, at least not in person. But knowing what I do about butts (and how they relax after some play), and knowing what I do about plugs (a flared base is your first line of defense against a trip to the ER), I would’ve worried too much about losing one to use one. As for safe bejewelled butt-plug options, ITEMS, you’re going to want a flared base and a jewel that’s at least the size of Cullinan Diamond, the fist-sized rock on the Queen of England’s royal sceptre, which, come to think of it…g

Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage. Email: questions@savagelove.net. Listen to Dan on the Savage Lovecast. Columns and more at savage.love.

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