COVER

ARTS Graham Clark spins “silly stuff” into comedy gold

The selfless local comic hopes 24 hours of laughter can help find Little Mountain Gallery a new home

by Steve Newton

You could say that Graham Clark’s path to standup comedy was partly paved in vinyl. His father owned an array of comedy records in which the chuckle-hungry child would immerse himself, LPs by the likes of Steve Martin, Woody Allen, and Monty Python.

“And even Cheech and Chong,” Clark recalls on the line from his home near Cambie Street and 25th Avenue. “I think I was too young to be listening to it, but I also didn’t know what they were talking about. I just liked their funny voices.”

If Clark wasn’t old enough to get the hippie/pot humour of C&C, he certainly had no problem digging the nerdy vibe of one character who was a little more kid-oriented. He was crazy about Pee-wee Herman.

“I really thought that’s what comedy was,” he says. “It just struck a chord with me. I knew early on that I liked silly stuff.”

Clark’s burgeoning desire to make people laugh manifested itself in high school, but it wasn’t as if he was the class clown. One of his junior high teachers at Calgary’s R.T. Alderman School, a Mr. Ward, made a distinction between class clown and class comedian.

“He drew a line and said, ‘Class clowns are just trying to get a rise out of everybody, but the comedians are trying to get laughs.’ He was a smart guy.”

Clark was 15 when he first performed comedy in public, at a talent show put on by the Calgary Stampede. He didn’t place in the competition but he got some laughs—enough to provide encouragement. He moved to Vancouver in 2000 to attend film school, but after he graduated, the movie industry went on strike and there wasn’t a lot of work, so he fell back on the funny stuff. His first paying gig was at the now-defunct Urban Well in Kitsilano, where the comedy shows were being run by Brent Butt of Corner Gas fame.

Two decades later, Clark is one of the most recognizable names on the Vancouver comedy scene. He’s a three-time winner at the Canadian Comedy Awards and has appeared at Just for Laughs, the Halifax Comedy Festival, Bumbershoot, and the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His next big gig is a 24-hour marathon on December 17 and 18 that will raise funds for the Little Mountain Gallery Eviction Fund. The independently operated comedy theatre and community space at 195 East 26th Avenue is being closed and demolished.

“It used to be a place called the Butcher Shop,” Clark explains, “’cause it was formerly a butcher shop, and then some artists took it over and turned it into an art gallery, which it was for many, many years. One guy took it over and started bringing it up to code—doing electric and plumbing and stuff like that—and then it was deemed that it would be a pretty good space for comedy.

“There was a guy named Ryan Beil that was kind of keeping it going in the intervening years, and then a co-op of comedians took it over, and that’s been a full-time comedy venue ever since. It has a lot of history in the city, for sure.”

Clark is emphatic that the loss of Little Mountain Gallery would be a major blow to Vancouver’s homegrown comedy scene.

“Oh, it’s vital. We’re doing comedy as best we can in a studio where a lot of our venues have closed in the last coupla years. We’re rapidly running out of places to perform, so it’s of vital importance as a place for people to put on shows and for people to discover comedians that they like.”

For the 24-hour comedy marathon, Clark won’t be alone in his efforts to keep standup from falling down in Vancouver. He’ll have a team of comedians constantly writing material for him—and handing him food so he can keep his strength up— as the clock ticks down.

“These are the best comedians in the city,” he claims. “I’ve just been lucky to meet so many fantastic funny people in this city, so it was an easy crop to pick because it’s so plentiful here. One of my favourites of all time, Charlie Demers, is gonna be there. And at this point, a couple of the members of the Sunday Service, which happens every week. And we even have a guy named Tim Gray who’s coming all the way from Winnipeg to write for the show.”

Good intentions aside, one has to pose a question: considering the skyrocketing property values in Vancouver, is it even feasible to think they could find another venue for Little Mountain?

“We’re hoping so,” Clark replies. “I know the City of Vancouver has a policy that they don’t want to lose any more art space—they want it like a zero-loss kinda number—so if one closes, another one should open. And so, hopefully, under that banner we will be able to find a place kind of working in tandem with the city.”

While standup comedy is Clark’s bread and butter, his artistry doesn’t stop there. He also paints with his beard and sells the finished works to support various charities. He started the hairy habit as a quirky way to try and raise funds for a friend’s alternative cancer treatments, and the practice took off.

So far, the sale of his beard paintings have raised funds for GlobalMedic’s earthquake relief efforts, Oxfam’s East Africa famine relief, Adsum for Women and Children, the Vancouver Food Bank, the Save the Rio Theatre Campaign, Charitable Impact, Alberta flood relief, Megaphone magazine, the Downtown Eastside Women’s Emergency Shelter, Small Talk, and to purchase a new wheelchair for Ryan Lachance, a local comic living with spastic quadriplegia cerebral palsy. Money raised from Clark’s most recent beard paintings are also destined for the Little Mountain Gallery Eviction Fund.

It’s pretty obvious that the 40-year-old Clark is committed to raising as much money as he can for charities and worthy causes. So where did he get his propensity for helping others?

“I would say mostly from Mom,” he replies. “She was a nurse for many years, and she was always kind of keeping the community together. So that was baked in in my childhood, ya know.”

Graham Clark has used his beard to create paintings that have raised funds for many charities, but his main goal at the moment is to keep comedy alive in Vancouver. Photo by Todd Duncan.

R

eal ESTATE SQUEEZE

LMG executive director Brent Constantine says it will be tough to find a new venue. d IN A PHONE interview with the Straight, Little Mountain Gallery executive director Brent Constantine said that the real-estate market “has finally come up to this area” of Mount Pleasant. In 2019, Matthew Cheng Architect Inc. filed a development-permit applcation for a fourstorey rental building with two groundfloor retail units at 4185 Main Street, which is connected to the comedy venue. “There was no appeal process because it’s a permitted use,” Constantine said. The volunteers who manage the 2,000-square-foot room figured that they had a couple of years to find alternative space. But then COVID-19 hit and entertainment venues closed en masse. “We lost about a year and a half with the pandemic,” Constantine said. “We’ve been back open since July. But right as things started to open again, we got an eviction notice.” It’s effective January 1. According to Constantine, it’s expensive to hire an architect and a building-code consultant to obtain a green light from local officials for a new leased location. “If you’re not able to survive for six months to a year before you’re able to get those permits and those approvals from the city—even if you have the money to do it—it’s a daunting process,” he said. by Charlie Smith

Graham Clark’s 24 Hours of Standup Fundraiser takes place at Little Mountain Gallery from 8 p.m. on December 17 to 8 p.m. on December 18.

ARTS Ellis and Margolick cherish women who shaped them

by Charlie Smith

Ballet BC dancer Livona Ellis and New York–based Rebecca Margolick will dance their first duet together, Fortress, and four solos at the Scotiabank Dance Centre. Photo by Faviola Perez.

Over the course of the pandemic, Vancouver-raised and New York–based dancer Rebecca Margolick has been reflecting on But this sense of indifference, which is on display in Kaeja’s text, has been punctured by intense antisemitism within fascist movements gaining momentum in several the role of performing artists in responding to the world’s most pressing challenges.

“I think, as artists, we have a responsibility to, first and foremost, be good citizens,” she tells the Straight by phone.

So when the pandemic cancelled many live performances, she began advocating for the rights of freelance dancers.

“It forced me to step away from the art,” Margolick adds. “I’ve been in this interesting balancing act.”

At the same time, she recognizes that art can be very healing for audiences.

“We need direct action, but we also need a place to process and we need a place for the general public to see these issues in a different light—to hear them told through a different medium,” she continues. “Not just reading it in the news but seeing it in movement.”

It’s in this spirit that Margolick will join Ballet BC dancer Livona Ellis in their first collaborative duet, Fortress, along with two solos each at the Scotiabank Dance Centre on December 17 and 18.

One of Margolick’s solos, Allen Kaeja’s Trace Elements, was danced by her mother, Mary-Louise Albert, two decades ago. It includes text of a conversation that includes references to Nazi propaganda. The discussion is between a German man and a woman who is indifferent to the suffering of her mother’s generation in the Second World War.

“So the movement and the text are kind of countering each other,” Margolick notes. “A lot of the movement is reacting to the text.”

She points out that for many years, lots of people felt that discrimination against the Jewish community was on the wane. countries, including the United States. “It’s the oldest form of white supremacy,” she says. “It’s ancient—thousands of years of hate.” Margolick is inspired not only by female Jewish resistance fighters during the Holocaust but also by her mother’s resilience and humility. “The act of giving away a solo that was once your own is an act of generosity and vulnerability,” she states. “And she did that with such enthusiasm and grace.” Ellis is interpreting another of Albert’s solos from the past, Peter Bingham’s Woman Walking (away). Ellis and Margolick, along with Vanessa Goodman, were all scheduled to give live performances of Albert’s solos at the Scotiabank Dance Centre in November 2020. However, they were forced to perform them on video after a provincial health order banned live shows that month. Goodman has since had a baby, so she’s not participating this time. In advance of developing Fortress, Margolick says that she and Ellis talked at length about the influence of their mothers and grandmothers on them. The two have known each other since they attended Arts Umbrella in their youth. “This feels personal, like…a way to blend the past of growing up here in Vancouver with her into this new phase that we’re in in our lives—both in our 30s now—and thinking about where we want to go and where we’re at,” Margolick says. g

The Dance Centre and the B.C. Movement Arts Society will present Livona Ellis and Rebecca Margolick presenting Fortress and four solos on Friday (December 17) and Saturday (December 18) at the Scotiabank Dance Centre.

Hear it. Feel it. Hear it. Feel

Celebrate the Season with the VSO

DEC

18–19

U UPCOMING HOLIDAY CONCERTS WINTER/SPRING CONCERTS ON SALE NOW!

Traditional Christmas

Dec 18 | 4 & 7:30pm | Orpheum Dec 19 | 4pm | Orpheum

The annual festive tradition returns this Christmas with host Christopher Gaze. Celebrate the season with music brimming with Christmas joy.

Christopher Gaze

FEB

25/26

An Ode to Joy: Beethoven’s 9th

Fri & Sat, 8pm | Orpheum

Beethoven’s magnum opus performed by your VSO, Teiya Kasahara, Soprano, Susan Platts, Alto, Lawrence Wiliford, Tenor, Tyler Duncan, Baritone, the Vancouver Chamber Choir, under the music direction of Kari Turunen and conductor Andrew Crust.

Ludwig van Beethoven

DEC

10/11

LONDON DRUGS POPS

A VSO Pops Christmas with Dee Daniels

Fri & Sat, 8pm | Orpheum THIS WEEKEND!

An evening of Christmas magic. Vancouver jazz legend Dee Daniels will enchant you with her thrilling renditions of O Holy Night, O Come All Ye Faithful, Duke Ellington’s take on the Nutcracker, and other holiday classics.

Dee Daniels

Lara St. John

DEC

17/18

SPECIAL HOLIDAY CONCERT

Vivaldi’s Four Seasons

Fri & Sat, 8pm | Chan Centre LIMITED AVAILABILITY

A VSO holiday tradition returns. The incredible Canadian musical-maverick, Lara St. John, leads and shares a personally curated selection of festive music from around the world.

JAN

Steven Page with the VSO

14/15

Fri & Sat, 8pm Orpheum

Canadian icon Steven Page returns to the VSO for a heartfelt performance of some of the greatest Canadian music ever written. Paul Shaffer, former music director to David Letterman, shares symphonic renditions of his favourite pop, R&B, and jazz tunes plus anecdotes and reminiscences from a remarkable career.

Steven Page

FEB

Paul Shaffer Live!

11/12

Fri & Sat, 8pm Orpheum

Paul Shaffer

Some of the most celebrated and stunning movies of all time on the big screen at the Orpheum, accompanied live by the VSO.

Rocketman Live in Concert

Mar 18, 19 | Orpheum ON SALE TODAY!

PRESENTATION LICENSED BY

Star Wars: Return of the Jedi in Concert

Jun 9, 10, 11 | Orpheum

ON SALE TODAY!

STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI PRESENTATION LICENSED BY

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1

Apr 22, 23, 24 | Orpheum

Singin’ in the Rain — Film with Orchestra

May 13, 14 | Orpheum

VancouverSymphony.ca 604.876.3434

DEC 18–19 TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS CONCERTS ENDOWED BY

SHEAHAN AND GERALD MCGAVIN, CM, OBC

DEC 10, 11, JAN 14, 15, FEB 11, 12, MAY 13, 14 VSO POPS SERIES SPONSOR DEC 17, 18 CONCERT SUPPORT PROVIDED BY JAN 15 VSO POPS CONCERT SPONSOR FEB 25, 26 MASTERWORKS DIAMOND SERIES SPONSOR

MEDIA SPONSOR TICKETS AND GIFT CARDS MAKE

THE PERFECT STOCKING STUFFER

ARTS Busy Veda Hille makes time for a Winter Solstice

by Charlie Smith

When the Straight recently reached singer-songwriter Veda Hille on the phone, she was in the midst of an artistic maelstrom.

“Maybe today and the next two days, I’m in eight-hour workshops on a new musical I’m working on with Amiel Gladstone,” Hille says.

Their new work is an adaptation of one of Hille’s favourite novels, Kathryn Davis’s The Girl Who Trod on a Loaf. The book took its name from a Hans Christian Andersen tale.

“It’s about three women in a small town with music in their lives—and how to get unstuck when you’re stuck,” Hille reveals.

Her earlier musical with Gladstone, Onegin, is going to be presented at the Taganka Theatre in Moscow this month. She points out that it takes a long time to write a musical—Onegin premiered five years ago.

On December 6 after speaking to the Straight, Hille was about to be interviewed by a Russian television station.

“That’s a bit of a big deal, I have to say,” Hille says. “I’m quite happy with the direction things have taken.”

Normally at this time of year, Hille is performing in the zany East Van Panto. This year, she wrote the songs for the production, but because she’s not on-stage at the York Theatre, she’s free to play at Music on Main’s Music for the Winter Solstice at Heritage Hall.

Cutting Edge Theatre

DO YOU MIND IF I SIT HERE?

THEATRE REPLACEMENT (VANCOUVER) This multimedia allegory tells the story of social planners working to repurpose Vancouver’s Russian Hall 30 years from now—and dares us to reimagine our city’s future. JAN 26-29 | RUSSIAN HALL

PRESENTED WITH THEATRE REPLACEMENT

AALAAPI |

COLLECTIF AALAAPI | LA MESSE BASSE (NUNAVIK | MONTREAL) Set in Nunavik, and ingeniously combining the aesthetics of radio and theatre, this collectively created work is an interrogation of language—and a forward movement towards true reconciliation.

JAN 29-30, FEB 1-2 | WATERFRONT THEATRE

& SELECT ONLINE PRESENTATIONS

OUR FATHERS, SONS, LOVERS AND LITTLE

BROTHERS BY MAKAMBE K. SIMAMBA A TARRAGON THEATRE AND BLACK THEATRE WORKSHOP CO-PRODUCTION (TORONTO/MONTREAL) Portraying the afterlife of a Black teenager, this show is a spiritual inquiry and a protest for Black life which goes beyond the headlines to examine the reality of injustice. JAN 20-22 | FIREHALL ARTS CENTRE

PRESENTED WITH FIREHALL ARTS CENTRE AND TOUCHSTONE THEATRE

Jan 20 - Feb 6, 2022 PUSHFESTIVAL.CA

As Veda Hille’s compositions are performed for theatre audiences in Vancouver and Moscow, she’s really looking forward to an upcoming show at Heritage Hall. Photo by Stephen Drover.

She describes the panto as “this crazy explosion of joy”, whereas the solstice show is “this incredibly pristine and beautiful musical jewel”.

“It’s just gorgeous music in a beautiful setting,” Hille says. “It’s just one of those rooms filled with love and music.”

Hille will play piano with her new vocal ensemble, which includes Patsy Klein, Lucien Durey, and Nicholas Krgovich. Klein and Krgovich have worked with her before, but Durey is a new collaborator.

Hille says they will perform the Wyrd Sisters’ “Solstice Carole” and a Jane Siberry cover, “The Walking (and Constantly)”, along with Hille’s songs over the years. They include “Miracles”, based on a Bach prelude, from her Little Volcano album, and “Book of Saints” from This Riot Life.

In addition, the vocal ensemble will debut some music live from her upcoming album, Beach Practice, which she’s been working on with Krgovich. Earlier this year, he put out an album called Plants, which was a collection of Hille’s songs.

Hille says Beach Practice will be her 25th album, including those she created with collaborators and the theatre albums.

“It’s a lot of records,” she says. “I am very grateful to still be wildly interested in music. So that helps a lot.”

Music for a Winter Solstice will also include violinist Chloe Kim and vibraphonist Julia Chien.

“I know they’re doing Arvo Pärt’s Spiegel im Spiegel, which is one of the most lovely pieces of music in the world,” Hille says.

She credits Music on Main’s artistic director, David Pay, for being an “incredible programmer”, which is one reason why she’s so delighted to participate in this year’s holiday concerts.

“The way that he approaches music and is sharing music is an utter delight,” Hille says. g

Music on Main’s Music for the Winter Solstice takes place at 7:30 p.m. at Heritage Hall on December 15 and 16. It will also be available on demand on video from December 18 until January 6.

ARTS SFU Woodward’s experiences a cultural revival

by Charlie Smith

Prior to the pandemic, SFU Woodward’s had emerged asa backbone of the city’s cultural life. During its first nine years, it hosted elaborately produced theatrical events, dance productions, film festivals, Indigenous performances, and literary readings.

“On average, we were producing over 200 events a year,” Michael Boucher, director of cultural programs and partnerships at SFU Woodward’s, tells the Straight by phone. “We have over 30 partnerships. On top of that, we’re also involved in commissions.”

For a venue that thrives on live shows, the pandemic came as a monumental shock. Shows were put on hold and Boucher had no idea whether they could be resurrected once live performances could resume. According to him, everyone had to put on their “best patience masks”.

“They kept being delayed and delayed, so now we’ve gone through two annual calendars of restructuring,” Boucher says.

Now, SFU Woodward’s is back in the business of culture. And its impresario in charge of live performances couldn’t be happier.

“We’re not shying away from presenting provocative, engaging work,” Boucher declares. “That’s our mandate: redefine contemporary arts. It’s a constant iteration of, ‘What is contemporary?’ You’ve got to be on the edge of whatever that is.”

That mandate was reflected in late November when SFU Woodward’s and Full Circle: First Nations Performance copresented Red Sky Performance’s Trace. A thoroughly contemporary dance interpretation of an Anishinaabe creation story, it was conceived and directed by Teme-Augama-Anishinaabe artist Sandra Laronde and includes a futuristic score by Métis composer Eliot Britton.

Boucher describes Trace as a deeply emotional and intimate story of the cosmos that left audiences feeling breathless.

He’s also a director of the SFU-affiliated 149 Arts Society, which is copresenting another example of SFU Woodward’s postpandemic efforts to redefine contemporary arts.

In partnership with DanceHouse and with support from the National Arts Centre, the 149 Arts Society is bringing forward a livestreaming of works in progress from five Canadian choreographers. This project, NEXT: New Dance in Development, offered two-week residencies to romham pádraig gallacher and Lance Lim of All Bodies Dance Project, Shion Skye Carter, Ralph Escamillan, and Zahra Shahab. It will be presented online at 4 p.m. on December 15.

Boucher says that none of this would have been possible without the support of Department of Canadian Heritage’s Canada Arts Presentation Fund Program and its Support for Workers in Live Arts and Music Sectors Fund.

“The emerging artists have been, in a way, without any infrastructure,” Boucher points out. “So this initiative proved to be incredibly significant in terms of a stepping stone to get them back to creating again.”

The 149 Arts Society and DanceHouse have invited five choreographers, incuding Shion Skye Carter, to livestream works in progress from SFU Woodward’s. Photo by Dayna Szyndrowski. The 149 Arts Society is named after the $1.49 day specials at the former Woodward’s store. Boucher says the society has long focused on emerging artists. It’s why it created Festival LAUNCH!, which Boucher is hoping to relaunch.

Because SFU Woodward’s lost almost two years of live performances, it’s planning to hold its 10th anniversary two years late— in the fall of 2022—with a series of special events. And in January 2023, SFU Woodward’s will present the world premiere of a commissioned work by Electric Company Theatre. Cofounder Jonathon Young’s An Undeveloped Sound will be appear in its final form at the Fei and Milton Wong Experimental Theatre in the Goldcorp Centre for the Arts. A work in progress will be shown at the same location from February 1 to 4, 2022.

“Loosely inspired by Goethe’s Faust, An Undeveloped Sound is about the essential wager made between development and destruction,” the Electric Company Theatre website states.

Then there’s the eighth annual Vancouver Turkish Film Festival, which opens on December 10 at SFU Woodward’s. And on December 16, Reel Causes is presenting a live screening of Someone Like Me, a critically acclaimed National Film Board–produced documentary about a gay Ugandan asylum seeker’s settlement in Vancouver. Yes, indeed, SFU Woodward’s is back. g

CHRISTMAS

CHOR LEONI

Rebecca Margolick (L), Livona Ellis (R ), photo Faviola Perez

LIVONA ELLIS REBECCA MARGOLICK FORTRESS + FOUR SOLOS

December 17-18, 2021

Scotiabank Dance Centre thedancecentre.ca

Presented by

ARTS LISTINGS

ONGOING

EAST VAN PANTO: ALICE IN WONDERLAND Theatre Replacement’s ninth annual East Van Panto sees Alice follow the White Rabbit into a topsy-turvy version of East Vancouver. To Jan 2, York Theatre. Tickets from $35. LIGHTS Touchstone Theatre presents the world premiere of Adam Grant Warren’s portrait of a tightknit family facing profound life changes. To Dec 12, Firehall Arts Centre. $20 to $40. DOLLY PARTON’S SMOKY MOUNTAIN CHRISTMAS CAROL A musical rediscovery of joy and compassion through understanding the true wealth that comes from connection. To Jan 2, Stanley Industrial Alliance Stage. Tix from $43. VANCOUVER CHRISTMAS MARKET Annual Christmas market at the Olympic Cauldron features local artisans and festive regional refreshments. To Dec 24, Jack Poole Plaza. Tix from $7.99. A SEAT AT THE TABLE Exhibition explores historical and contemporary stories of Chinese Canadians in B.C. and their struggles for belonging. To Dec 31, Museum of Vancouver. $10. SANKOFA: AFRICAN ROUTES, CANADIAN ROOTS Exhibition explores the relationships between traditional and contemporary African art and Black Canadian art. To Mar 27, 2022, Museum of Anthropology at UBC. CANOE CULTURES :: HO'-KU-MELH Work of 20 Indigenous artists and carvers curated by Indigenous artist and cultural historian Roxanne Charles. To Jul 3, Vancouver Maritime Museum. $13.50 adults/$11 seniors. SPEED AND SPLENDOUR: BY SEA TO ASIA Exhibition explores western perceptions of Asia through travel posters and ephemera from early- to mid-20th century. To Feb 27, Vancouver Maritime Museum. $13.50 adults/$11 seniors. CHARLENE VICKERS | ANCESTOR GESTURE Painting, sculpture, performance, and installation by Charlene Vickers. To Jan 2, Contemporary Art Gallery. SHO ESQUIRO: DOCTRINE OF DISCOVERY Solo exhibition by designer, artist, and activist showcases meticulously crafted couture gowns, textiles, paintings, and photographs. To Jun 5, Bill Reid Gallery of Northwest Coast Art. TEETH, LOAN AND TRUST COMPANY, CONSOLIDATED: THE TRYLOWSKY COLLECTION Exhibition curated by Patrik Andersson features select works from Vancouver dentist Zenon Trylowsky’s private art collection. To Dec 11, Griffin Art Projects. Free.

Last Christmas

Scan to confess

The Georgia Straight

Confessions, an outlet for submitting revelations about your private lives—or for the voyeurs among us who want to read what other people have disclosed.

Was so awful, with my family, that I know that this Xmas, and every other going forward, can only be better. Even if I’m sitting alone in front of the TV with a TV dinner.

Space

I don’t know why but two acquaintances, whom I see twice a year each (meaning not a close relationship at all) like to bring up each time I see them how small my home is. Yeah, it’s small because I can’t afford anything larger in Vancouver. It’s 450 sq feet of condo. It’s paid off so I’m living pretty stress free. But for these acquaintances to bring it up and rub it in my face every 6 months sucks. I don’t comment or question anyone else’s living situation. I guess they just need to feel superior over me in square footage.

I saw an old photo

of a beautiful girl sitting with my family while I was over at my grandma’s house today. And I thought “who is that??!!!” Upon closer inspection, I realized it is me at age 19!! And it made me feel wistful and sad because at that age, I never felt I was good enough or beautiful enough, and I was bullied a lot in school. But I literally did not realize how totally gorgeous I was and that my bullies were probably just a bunch of jealous jerks!!! I share this because so many young people don’t realize how amazing and beautiful they are, especially young girls, and how it really doesn’t matter what others think only what you think of yourself! I wish I’d just told them all to bugger off and gone for all my dreams….

Sweet dreams

Sometimes I wait till my husband is asleep to please myself and get a good deep sleep. It’s not that I don’t love him with all my heart but he takes awhile to come.

Visit to post a Confession

CROWS OF COMMERCIAL DRIVE Nine local artists combine for a celebration of Commercial Drive crows. To Dec 31, 11 am–5 pm, Arts Off Main Gallery. Free. ART BOX HOLIDAY ARTISAN MARKET Unique items and gifts handcrafted by local artisans including jewelry, cards, seasonal items, decor, and apparel. To Dec 19, Silk Purse Arts Centre. OG PUNK Dina Goldstein’s photographs of key figures from the punk scenes of the late 1970s and 1980s in Vancouver and Victoria as they are today. To Jan 2, 2022, Polygon Gallery. STEVEN SHEARER Exhibition curated by Polygon Gallery director Reid Shier marks the first major Canadian survey of Shearer’s work since 2007. To Feb 13, 2022, Polygon Gallery. By donation. THE POLYGON GALLERY ANNUAL HOLIDAY POPUP SHOP One-of-a-kind gifts created by mostly local, women-led, and BIPOC makers, artisans, and creatives from Vancouver and around the world. To Dec 26, Polygon Gallery.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 9

THE NUTCRACKER Christopher Gaze and associate conductor Andrew Crust join the Vancouver Symphony in a program of selections from Tchaikovsky’s masterpiece. Dec 9, 2 pm, Orpheum Theatre. Tix $38.57/$40.71. SCRAWNY SHOW Standup comedy show features headliner Graham Clark. Dec 9, ANZA Club. $8 advance/$10 at the door.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 10

SNOWFLAKE Festive hit by playwright Mike Bartlett about generational conflict, fathers, and daughters. Dec 10-23, Redgate Revue Stage. $16-32. FLOODSTOCK - VANCOUVER ROCKS FOR RELIEF Fundraiser for the Canadian Red Cross features live music by Old Soul Rebel, JP Maurice, the History Of Gunpowder, and Brass Camel. Dec 10, 6:45 pm, Rickshaw Theatre. $25 (plus service charge). CONFLUENCE Sound of Dragon Society presents a world music performance by the Vancouver Erhu Quartet. Dec 10, 8 pm, Annex . $19.99/15. A VSO POPS CHRISTMAS WITH DEE DANIELS Jazz vocalist Dee Daniels joins the Vancouver Symphony Orchestra for a program of Christmas music. Dec 1011, 8 pm, Orpheum Theatre. Tix from $21.52 to $115.95.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 11

UNIVERSAL GOSPEL CHOIR Vancouver’s multi-faith gospel choir performs a live holiday concert. Dec 11, 3-5 pm, Queen Elizabeth Theatre. $33-56. LUX The Phoenix Chamber Choir presents the world premiere of a commissioned work by Canadian composer Laura Hawley. Dec 11, 3 pm, Pacific Spirit United Church. From $10. BAROQUE MAGNIFICENCE! Laudate Singers & Baroque Players celebrate the festive season with an evening of Baroque music. Dec 11, 8 pm, Highlands United Church. $10-40. MAD PUDDING Local Celtic-funk combo. Dec 11, 8-10:30 pm, Mel Lehan Hall at St. James. $10 livestream, $20 in-person. THE COMIC STRIP Sophie Buddle headlines the weekly professional comedy show. Dec 11, 9:30-11 pm, Tyrant Studios. $25.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 12

THE SNOWMAN Screening of the animated children's Christmas film, with live music by the Vancouver Symphony. Dec 12, 2 pm, Orpheum Theatre. SOLD OUT. CAROLS OF THE SEASON CONCERT An afternoon of festive music from the Sea to Sky Wind Ensemble, with all proceeds to the St. Andrew’s community meal programs. Dec 12, 2:30 pm, St. Andrew's United Church. By donation. WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS Jonathan Quick directs The Gallery Singers in a concert of favourite carols, and music by Tallis, Durufle. and Benjamin Britten. Dec 12, 3-4:30 pm, Holy Trinity Anglican Church . Tix $18, students $9, under 12 free. JOY TO THE WORLD! UNITED VOICES CHOIR An afternoon of traditional carols and joyful music by Vivaldi, Lauridsen, Poulenc, Mozart, and Handel. Dec 12, 3-5 pm, St. Paul's Anglican Church. $27.54. O CHRISTMAS TEA: A BRITISH COMEDY James & Jamesy present their Christmas comedy classic. Dec 12, 8-9:30 pm, Bell Performing Arts Centre. From $19.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 13

THE TENORS Canadian vocal group performs on its Santa's Wish Tour, with guest Tyler Shaw. Dec 13, Orpheum Theatre. Tix at Ticketmaster.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 15

THE NUTCRACKER: TCHAIKOVSKY MEETS ELLINGTON Symphony 21 presents Tchaikovsky’s timeless Nutcracker Suite alongside Duke Ellington arrangements for jazz orchestra. Dec 15, 8 pm, Chan Centre for the Performing Arts. From $25.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 16

HOME ALONE IN CONCERT Screening of the 1990 Christmas comedy classic Home Alone, with live music by the Vancouver Symphony. Dec 16-17, 7 pm, Orpheum Theatre. Both shows SOLD OUT. FESTIVE CHRISTMAS CANTATAS EMV’s Festive Cantatas features some of the most popular Christmas music of Germany in the 18th century by Johann Kuhanu and J.S. Bach. Dec 16, 7:30 pm, Chan Centre for the Performing Arts. From $17.75. VANCOUVER WELSH MEN'S CHOIR PRESENTS 'SING WE NOW OF CHRISTMAS' An evening of heartfelt Christmas carols, old and new. Dec 16, 7:30 pm, Centennial Theatre. $18-$33.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 17

LIVONA ELLIS + REBECCA MARGOLICK The Dance Centre and BC Movement Arts present dancers Livona Ellis and Rebecca Margolick in an evening of four solos, plus the world premiere of their duet Fortress. Dec 17-18, Scotiabank Dance Centre. $34/$25. A WINTER'S TWIST Lamondance presents a reimagining of the beloved classic Romeo and Juliet. Dec 17-18, 7:30-9:30 pm, BlueShore Financial Centre for the Performing Arts. $30. VIVALDI'S FOUR SEASONS Canadian violinist Lara St. John joins the Vancouver Symphony in Antonio Vivaldi’s most iconic work. Dec 17-18, 8 pm, Chan Centre for the Performing Arts. CHRISTMAS WITH CHOR LEONI The Chor Leoni Men's Choir presents the joyous live return of its holiday concert. Dec 17-20, 8-6:30 pm, St. Andrew’sWesley United Church.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 18

VANCOUVER CANTATA SINGERS: CHRISTMAS REPRISE XVIII Program of traditional carols and contemporary holiday compositions for unaccompanied choir. Dec 18, Holy Rosary Cathedral. ROYAL CITY YOUTH BALLET: THE NUTCRACKER Royal City Youth Ballet dances the two-act classical ballet, with score by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky. Dec 18-19, 1 pm, Massey Theatre. $36-47. KEITHMAS XII Various Vancouver bands and musicians perform at a tribute to Keith Richards. Dec 18, 7 pm, Rickshaw Theatre. $25 (plus service charge). TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS Host Christopher Gaze joins soprano Rachel Buttress, conductor Karl Hirzer, and the Vancouver Symphony in a program of favourite Christmas carols. Dec 18, 7:30 pm; Dec 18-19, 4 pm, Orpheum Theatre. Tix $43.24 to $64.67. ROSA MYSTICA Musica intima weaves together spoken word and song in a musical exploration of motherhood. Dec 18, 7:30 pm, Christ Church Cathedral. $40/35/10. DALANNAH GAIL BOWEN The Rogue Folk Club presents local blues, rock, and soul vocalist. Dec 18, 8 pm, Mel Lehan Hall. $10 livestream, $20 in-person.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 21

WINTER HARP 2021 Harps combine with flutes, violin, rare medieval instruments, percussion, poetry, and song to express the Christmas spirit. Dec 21, 7:309:45 pm, St. Andrew's–Wesley United Church.

ARTS LISTINGS are a public service provided free of charge, based on available space and editorial discretion. Submit events online using the eventsubmission form at straight.com/AddEvent. Events that don't make it into the paper due to space constraints will appear on the website.

MOVIES Drinkwater bathes in the beauty of the Okanagan

by Charlie Smith MOVIE REVIEW

DRINKWATER

Starring Eric McCormack, Daniel Doheny, and Louriza Tronco

d CINEMATICALLY, THE CITY of Penticton was defined for a generation by My American Cousin, Sandy Wilson’s charming 1985 period piece about a preteen girl’s desire to be taken seriously.

Now there’s a new endearing film, also set in the same scenic Okanagan community, that offers a memorable 21st-century ode to Canadiana.

Drinkwater stars Vancouver actors Daniel Doheny (Adventures in Public School) and Louriza Tronco (The Order) as two high-school students, Mike and Wallace, each coping with difficult circumstances.

Mike’s father, Hank Drinkwater (played brilliantly by Will & Grace’s Eric McCormack), is a likable, self-centred loser intent on ripping off an insurance company by faking an injury; Wallace is living with her grandparents after a family tragedy in Massachusetts.

The storyline won’t surprise anyone who has seen these boy-meets-girl films many times before. Mike is a mess. Wallace helps ground him. Yet Mike, like his dad, is too caught up in his own world to notice, falling instead for the willowy figure skater (Jana Benoit) who’s already attached to the superjock (Jordan Burtchett) in school.

The plot is what it is—do we really need another movie with a game of dodgeball inserted into a script? But what stands out are some of the performances, most notably McCormack’s nuanced yet still riotously entertaining work as Hank and one heartbreaking scene between Tronco and her grandfather, played by talented veteran actor Vincent Cheng.

Burtchett pulls off the role of school bully with aplomb, and Doheny’s bendable body serves up several amusing moments, including in a Tim Hortons drive-through and another time during the playing of “Love Shack” by the B-52’s.

Director Stephen S. Campanelli (Indian Horse) and writers Luke Fraser and Edward McDonald also deliver plenty of other laughs along with some oldfashioned Canadian music—the type of stuff that folks in Penticton would cherish, like Loverboy’s “Turn Me Loose”, Corey Hart’s “Never Surrender”, and the legendary Doug and the Slugs’ “Day by Day”.

Campanelli has been a camera operator for many Clint Eastwood films, including the Oscar-winning Million Dollar Baby and Mystic River. And his dexterity with imagery is not only on display in many of the scenes but also in some of the most imaginative opening credits that anyone will ever see.

Toss in some ice hockey, a shrine to Wayne Gretzky, a few Canadian flags, and a long-distance race between Canadians and Americans through the glorious Okanagan countryside and you’ve got a movie to stir up national pride across the country.

Unlike Million Dollar Baby, Drinkwater is not going to win best picture at the Oscars. But it will provide viewers with a couple of hours of solid entertainment and magnificent visuals.

It also just might give the City of Penticton a much-needed boost to its tourism industry. All things considered, that’s quite an accomplishment in the midst of a pandemic. g

A girl named Wallace Owens (Louriza Tronco) moves from the U.S. to Penticton, next door to Mike Drinkwater (Daniel Doheny), in Stephen Campanelli’s coming-of-age comedy Drinkwater.

The Whistler Film Festival presented its Trailblazer Award to Eric McCormack. The festival will present Drinkwater online from December 13 to December 31 at WhistlerFilmFestival.com.

Turkish film fans can savour movies live or online

by Charlie Smith

This year’s Vancouver Turkish Film Festival features seven award-winning features, one documentary, and two movies directed by women.

The opening film, Two Types of People / İnsanlar İkiye Ayrilir, is only being offered in-person at 6:30 p.m. on Friday (December 10) at the Goldcorp Centre for the Arts in SFU Woodward’s.

Directed by Tunç Sahin, two of the 2020 film’s lead characters, Duygu (Burcu Biricik) and Bahadir (Aras Aydin), work for a company that buys banks’ receivables. This financial drama, which includes comedic moments, reveals some of the psychological tactics used by debt collectors. It won the award for best screenplay at the Antalya Golden Orange Film Festival.

One fan of the Vancouver Turkish Film Festival is Michael Boucher, director of cultural programs and sponsorships at SFU Woodward’s.

“It’s a really interesting eye on Turkey, its culture, and its history and its politics,” Boucher told the Straight by phone.

The other seven movies at the Vancouver Turkish Film Festival are all available online with a US$40 pass until the festival ends on December 18. Here are four of the other films.

BROTHER’S KEEPER/OKUL TIRAŞI Director Ferit Karahan shows what life is like for Kurdish boys attending a remote boarding school in Eastern Anatolia, where they must endure freezing months in the winter. This is not something that many western Turks are exposed to. In addition to awards in Turkey, this 2021 effort also was named best film in the Chicago International Film Festival’s new directors competition.

BETWEEN TWO DAWNS/IKI ŞAFAK ARASINDA A serious workplace injury creates a legal quagmire, resulting in a man being pressured to leave the country against his will. Director Selman Nacar’s 2021 film won a jury special prize, best supporting actor, and best supporting actress at the Antalya Golden Orange Film Festival.

FRACTURED/ÇATLAK Another film revolving around debt, director Fikret Reyhan’s 2020 drama revolves around a character named Fatih who borrowed a lot of money from a friend in the U.K. before leaving for Turkey, where his credit catches up to him. It won a jury special prize and best actress at the Antalya Golden Orange Film Festival.

LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN/BIRAKIN KAPI AÇIK KALSIN Directed by Ümran Safter, one of the two female directors at the festival, this 2021 documentary is about two teenage sons of a former Turkish ambassador to the United States who embraced jazz music—and disregarded colour barriers—in the 1930s and 1940s. It won the best documentary awards at the DC Independent Film Festival. g

Two Types of People opens the Vancouver Turkish Film Festival with a tale about employees at a debt-collection company.

MUSIC Payne finds pleasure in Sir Paul, Neil, and Tapatio

by Mike Usinger

What’s In Your Fridge is where the Straight asks interesting Vancouverites about their life-changing concerts, favourite albums, and, most importantly, what’s sitting beside the Heinz ketchup in their custom-made Big Chill Retropolitan 20.6-cubic-foot refrigerators.

ON THE GRILL Johnny Payne

WHO ARE YOU I write and sing songs and produce records. One such record, King of Cups, will be released in January. I also enjoy chess, tennis, and Miller High Life.

FIRST CONCERT Strangely enough it was a Beach Boys concert at Royal Athletic Park in Victoria. Being a little kid I absolutely loved it, and it wasn’t until recently that I realized I wasn’t really seeing the Beach Boys that day. It was the beginning of the awful Mike Love/John Stamos “Beach Boys”. I don’t think there would have been one Wilson brother in the band. That was when Mike Love realized they could just be a 4th of July Beach Boys cover band and do quite well at it. They’re even still going strong in that same, embarrassing format! I honestly did love it though. I went right up to the front of the stage when they did “Surfin’ USA” and it blew me away. It was a real summer, familyfun environment, and great for kids. It was kind of a kids’ concert really.

LIFE-CHANGING CONCERT The Bridge School Benefit was a two-day outdoor concert event in Mountain View, California that Neil Young and his wife Pegi would put on every year. They always had a great lineup, but the first time I went was in 2002 because Paul McCartney was on the bill. I didn’t even really know Neil Young’s music other than a few songs. Being a Beatles-obsessed kid, I was there for Paul. I remember he came out and joined Tony Bennett on a song earlier in the evening, “The Very Thought Of You” . I wasn’t expecting to see Paul yet so it was quite a surreal feeling: to be in the same place as a Beatle. Later on Paul came out and did his set and it was wonderful.

He wasn’t the headliner though…Neil was set to close the show. In between sets I remember going around yapping at everyone on the lawn saying “Who the hell does Neil Young think he is going on after Paul?! You don’t follow a Beatle!” Paul had this huge band, but when they were setting up the stage for Neil all it was was five acoustic guitars around a chair in a semi-circle, and a piano off to one side. It started to rain and the festival staff handed out black garbage bags to wear.

Neil came out to uproarious applause… this was Neil country. He wore a flannel shirt and jeans. He sat down and picked up a guitar and started banging a C chord on it like a drum, and 20,000 people fell completely silent. Then he started singing… “Aurora borealis…the icy sky at night…”. His voice was still crystal-clear and beautiful at that time. I looked around and was absolutely transfixed by how he had instantly captured the crowd with nothing but a voice and an acoustic guitar.

Everything changed for me in that moment. The music was what mattered, nothing else. I hung on every note of his set and when I got back to B.C. I bought every album he ever made. It should also be noted that, as we were walking down the street after the concert, Paul drove by and waved at me from his limo.

TOP THREE RECORDS The Beatles Please Please Me Just a perfect rock and roll record. Recorded live in two four-hour sessions at EMI studios. They were such a tight, exciting live band, and it really shows on this one. I love the sweetness and innocence of the songs too.

Johnny Payne eventually accepted that he couldn’t play “Flight of the Bumblebee” on drums.

Harry Nilsson Nilsson Sings Newman

This is one of those amazing collaborations between two artists in their absolute prime that rarely happens. It’s just Randy Newman playing piano and Harry Nilsson singing Randy’s songs. It is recorded perfectly and every nuance of Harry’s angelic voice is captured with absolute precision and detail. Such a special, minimalistic record. I always thought that every song Harry covered was better than the original.

Neil Young Tonight’s The Night One of the only examples of a record that sounds better because of how loose it is. It’s almost as though Neil wrote the songs with the intention of them being played that way. This is real late night, right on the edge, deathrattle rock and roll. Soaked in tequila and emotion all at once. I heard they shot pool and partied until midnight every night and then started recording…it sounds like that in the best way.

ALL-TIME FAVOURITE VIDEO

Smokey Robinson “Being With You”

I’ve always loved “Being With You” by Smokey Robinson. It’s one of those early videos that was a really simple, cheap idea, but it’s just great for the song. Smokey lounging around his beach house singing to the camera without a care in the world. There’s a great moment where he tries a shot on the pool table and misses and shrugs his shoulders as if to say “You can’t win em all.” Ha-ha-ha. It’s romantic and cool and it works because the song rules. You don’t need lots of money to make a good video. I almost went with “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys but that felt a little stock. I do love any videos that Spike Jonze made in the ’90s though.

WHAT’S IN YOUR FRIDGE? To be honest, pretty much nothing. We are in the process of moving—not by choice… thanks Vancouver—and our beloved apartment is almost empty today as it is the final day of the move. I’d honestly rather talk about artists—not just artists—getting priced out of this city due to corporate development. But hey, maybe that’s better saved for the next interview.

I suppose the few things one does have in the fridge when moving is interesting as well though. I just asked my girlfriend “Is there anything in the fridge?! and she replied “Pickles!”, so there’s that. I see now there are a few more items. They are:

Two cans of Lucky Lager. We very much liked to entertain in our apartment. In fact, it was kind of known for wild dance parties that I will sorely miss—thanks again, Vancouver. So there are often a few straggler beers in the fridge from the night before. It’s no secret that I don’t really care for crafty, hoppy beer. I’ll take a PBR or a Lucky Lager any day. Lucky is cool—it’s from the Island just like me. Just make sure it’s very cold when you drink it heh-heh.

Three pieces of yam-and-avocado roll in

a takeout container. There’s been a lot of takeout lately as we’ve been getting ready to move. All the packaging kind of bums me out, but sometimes you just don’t wanna cook and clean when you’re in the thick of things. Hard to beat a yam-andavocado roll, isn’t it? A classic. I’m often still amazed at how easily we can get great, cheap sushi in Vancouver. I’m actually in L.A. right now and they wanted US$8 for an avocado roll in a place. At least Vancouver goes easy on us there…

Tapatio hot sauce. I put that shit on everything. I always have a bottle of either Tapatio or Cholula around. Actually, I found a hot sauce recently called Jumpin’ Johnny’s that was the best I’ve ever had, and it’s made in North Van! I always had a bottle of that but I think they’ve stopped making it! If the makers of Jumpin Johnny’s are reading this please make more and send me a case to wherever I end up living. g

MUSIC / SAVAGE LOVE Kandle’s “Cathedral” shines a light on a weird place

by Mike Usinger

Stop and think, for a second, what a weird place church is. By that, we’re not talking must-see wonders like the Vatican, Barcelona’s the Sagrada Familia, or Paris’s NotreDame, but instead your local place of worship. Chances are it’s nothing but wooden pews that look like they came from IKEA, a plain podium with a microphone, and an austere cross somewhere in the background.

But the strangest thing is the folks who show up religiously each week.

Don’t consider that a slight on their faith—more power to those who’ve found something to believe in (and, hopefully, are wise enough to keep their beliefs to themselves rather than ramming them down the throats of their fellow citizens). But don’t they have better things to do? Christmas shopping? Cleaning the house? Bingewatching the fascinating meditation on religion that is Midnight Mass?

The captivating thing about Kandle’s “Cathedral” is the way that it leans into the weirdness. Things start out like a thinkingperson’s horror film—imagine walking into a room of folks silendly dead-focused on a priest, only to have them whipsaw their heads around the second the door shuts behind you. Folks, it should be noted, who seem to take their eyeliner tips from Alice Cooper, Siouxsie Sioux, and the ghost of Tammy Faye Bakker.

In the four minutes that follow, the man in the pulpit proceeds to play puppetmaster, the church auditorium looks more like a modern-dance studio, and Kandle ends up, err…let’s not spoil the ending, other than to say it’s effectively creepy and decidedly open-ended.

The song is a flat-out stunner, with the Vancouver-raised—and Montrealbased—singer sounding like she’d like nothing better than spending a Sunday afternoon spinning scratchy old jazz records with Portishead’s Beth Gibbons and Shirley Bassey. Would someone fucking explain why this still-under-the-radar woman isn’t a star, and we’re not just talking in Canada?

Yes, “Cathedral” is that goddamn beautiful. Kind of like Saint Basil’s Cathedral in Moscow, Hagia Sophia in Istanbul, and Westminster Abbey in London—all of which we’d happily spend our Sunday mornings in if we didn’t have better things to do. g

Kandle insists all press shots be lit only by candle—which makes sense, considering her name.

Pressure to come tied into what’s between the ears

by Dan Savage

b I’M A FAN from Italy, so please excuse my English. I’ve been in a hetero relationship with my boyfriend for seven years; we’re both around 30; and we love each other and blahblah-blah. Sex is very good but quite standard since we have no particular kinks or fetishes. I always reach orgasm before penetration, but only with fingering. It turns me on when he goes down on me, but it doesn’t “do the trick”.

After I come, I feel something is missing if we don’t have penetrative sex that ends with him coming inside me. But because that part isn’t a lot of fun for me—being penetrated doesn’t make me come, and I’m being penetrated after I come—I usually urge him to come quickly, which is a bit frustrating for him. Is it weird that I need this kind of “closure” to sex? Is it weird that I want him coming inside me under these conditions? Where does this need come from? I’m sure you’ll have a great answer!

- Weird Orgasmic Needs Defy Easy Rationales You’re in a better position to judge where this need of yours comes from—and you’re most likely in the missionary position (not that there’s anything wrong with that!)—but if I were to hazard a guess…

Sex meets our physical need for touch, for pleasure, and for release, WONDER, but it also meets emotional needs. And sometimes what a sex act and/or an eroticized act symbolizes is just as or more important than how it feels. It means something to you—something important—when your boyfriend comes inside you during PIV intercourse. And since your boyfriend comes inside you after you’ve already come—usually after you’ve asked him to hurry things along—it’s not about your pleasure in that moment. It’s not about how it feels, WONDER, it’s about what it means. Your physical needs have already been satisfied; your boyfriend got you off with his fingers. But sex doesn’t feel real and complete for you until your boyfriend comes inside you. In the moment—in those moments—it’s more about what’s going on between your ears, i.e., more of what sex means than how it feels.

Seeing as you read my column, WONDER, you must know (I hope you know) that two or more people can have a satisfying and meaningful sexual encounter that leaves them feeling connected and satisfied without anyone being penetrated during PIV or PIT or PIB and without anyone coming inside anyone else. Indeed, a person can have a meaningful sexual encounter that leaves them feeling satisfied without coming at all.

But if you want to shake things up with the boyfriend—if you occasionally wanna give your boyfriend a chance to enjoy fucking you without being hurried along—you could always wait to come until after he does. Now, you’re a grown-ass, sexually active, thirty-year-old-or-thereabouts citizen of the

from previous page European Union, WONDER, and I’m guessing this may have already occurred to you. But I’m going to toss it out there just in case: let your boyfriend go down on you until you’re completely turned on, then let him take his time fucking you until he comes, and then—and only then—let him finger you until you come.

b I’VE BEEN WITH my partner for three years and we recently decided to dip our toes in the waters of swinging. We were on agreement about only doing a “soft swap” to start and then seeing where it led. We met up with a few couples and hit it off with one.

At first, my boyfriend was super respectful of my boundaries, but he’s become obsessed with being on swinging apps all the time. He enjoys the “reality porn”, meaning the profiles, and that’s fair. But he’s secretive AF about it. If it’s all out in the open, why does he need to be secretive? I’ve broached the subject, and the conversation always ends with him saying, “I’m sorry! I’m just bored! I’m not looking for anyone else!” But his obsession is starting to affect my self-esteem.

We have a stellar sex life, and I am a ravenous woman. It’s not like we have a “dead bedroom” problem here. I had a conversation with him last night about whether we need to shut the whole thing down. I said that if this is something he’d like to continue with on his own, then he’s free to do so—as a single man. I don’t want to hold him back if that’s what he needs in his life, but I’m also not going to suffer because of it. I don’t know what else to do. I’d love to hear your thoughts on navigating this.

- Seriously Worried About Partner’s Obsession There are two possible explanations for why your boyfriend suddenly started being so secretive and squirrelly about what he’s doing on that swinging app. First, he could be cheating or planning to cheat. He could be doing something that violates the rules you hammered out when you opened the relationship, e.g., meeting up with a couple on his own, or he could be making plans to do something that breaks those rules, e.g., talking with couples about doing a full swap. Second possible explanation: Your boyfriend came down with a bad case of “kid in the candy shop”, got carried away, and knew, even before you said something, that this was annoying you. But instead of dialing it back, he’s tried to hide it from you. Dickful thinking may even have led him to believe that he was being considerate of your feelings when he attempted to hide what he was doing.

Either way, SWAPO, you issued an ultimatum—if he doesn’t knock this shit off you’re going to put a stop to it (the swinging) or put an end to it (the relationship)—and soon you’ll know what you have to do.

b I’M A 60-YEAR-OLD gay man with a 35-yearold straight male friend—and, no, this letter is not going where you think it’s going. We have become best friends without benefits. We have a lot of common interests, and we enjoy doing things together on the weekend. I’ve never gotten any indication that he has any sexual interest in me and I’m not going to ruin our friendship by making sexual advances to him.

Last year I went through a very difficult time personally, involving an illness and multiple deaths in my family. He was there for me completely—really, above and beyond anything I could have expected. I would like to get him a gift to express my gratitude for his support and I can afford to be extravagant. The problem is, I don’t want to get him something extravagant if there’s a risk my generosity might be interpreted as a come-on.

Our friendship works because we respect each other’s boundaries, and I don’t want him thinking I’ve suddenly tried to cross one. So here is my question: what does a 60-year-old gay man give a straight man half his age that will convey appreciation for his support during a difficult time in my life but will not convey a desire for sex? Or is there such a gift?

Being ravenous in the bedroom doesn’t stop all problems. Photo by Lucky Business/Getty.

- Fully Recovered And Thankful It’s easier for me to rule things out than it is for me to rule things in, FRAT, seeing as that, save for his age and straightness, I know next to nothing about your friend. I mean, you already know not to get your straight friend a pricey leather sling or a shiny latex gimpsuit, right? You don’t need me to tell you that, do you?

So, besides pussy, what does your straight friend like? Does he like football? Get him a pair of tickets to see the team he crushes on hardest and encourage him to take a friend (or a date) that shares his passion for that kind of straight bullshit. Does he like video games? Get him one of those giant TVs straight gamer boys like to play games on. Does he like going places and is he fully vaccinated? Get him airline vouchers and give him enough cash to cover a nice hotel and food and tell him to go have a great fully vaccinated vacation on you. Or maybe there’s something he needs rather than wants—kind of like you needed emotional and logistical support during your illness and family tragedies? If he needs his credit cards paid down, pay ’em down. If he needs his car paid off, pay it off.

And if you’re worried that he might misinterpret your generosity as a come-on or as a precedent (that lavish gifts will keep coming) or as a burden (that you expect lavish gifts in return), address all those possible misinterpretations in the card: “You were such a generous and giving friend during an extremely difficult time in my life and I wanted to do something special for you— just this once—to thank you. I hope we will always be friends.”

Finally, FRAT, there’s also the option of giving him something reasonable—maybe tickets to a football game counts—and then writing that straight boy into your will. He definitely won’t think you’re trying to get into his pants after you’re dead. g

Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage. Email: questions@savagelove.net. Dan’s columns, podcasts, books, merch, and more at www.savage.love.

Careers

SIBER FACADE GROUP INC

is hiring Glaziers. Greater Vancouver, BC. Perm, F/T. Wage -$26.30 /hr Requirements: Exp. 2-3 years, good English, high school. Main duties: Interpret construction blueprints; Lay-out frame and window wall position; Measure, mark and cut glass; Fabricate, fit and install frames; Position glass panels into frames; Install glass panels in frames to form exterior walls of buildings; Repair and service windows and other products; Replace damaged glass or faulty sealant; Assemble, erect and dismantle scaffolding, rigging and hoisting equipment.

Company’s business address: Unit 230, 7270 Market Crossing,Burnaby BC, V5J 0A3 Please apply by e-mail: hr@siberconstruction.com

EMPLOYMENT Employment

SIBER FACADE GROUP INC

is hiring a Drafting Technologist. Perm, F/T. Wage -$29 /hr. Requirements: Exp. 1-2 years, good English, college certificate in a related field. Main duties: Develop construction drawings, prepare layouts, concept drawings; Operate CAD, drafting workstations; Work with design department, assist in preparation of sketches; Prepare tender documents, presentation renderings, complete documentation packages; Verify product releases, complete technical reports; Ensure proper storage and protocol of files.

Company’s business address and job location: Unit 230, 7270 Market Crossing, Burnaby BC, V5J 0A3 Please apply by e-mail: hr@siberconstruction.com Canadian Choice Windows and

Doors Vancouver Inc. is looking for Glaziers, Greater Vancouver, BC. Perm, F/T, wage: $28/h Requirements: Exp. 2-3 years, good English, high school. Main duties: Read and interpret blueprints, Measure, mark and cut glass, Build frames for glass installation, Position glass panes into frames, Assemble and install prefabricated frames and glass, Install doors, windows and other components, Repair glass doors, windows and hardware, Replace glass or faulty sealant, Assemble and dismantle scaffolding, swing-stage.

Company’s business address: 105-5433 152 St, Surrey, BC V3S 5A5 Please apply by e-mail: hr.canchoice@gmail.com

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to transport our clients from their hotel to tourist attraction places to & fro.Up to 50 hours a week available depending on candidates availability. Please contact us for more information or send your CV to info@beautylabproject.com

Volition Consulting Inc. is looking for an

Office Administrative Assistant

Perm, F/T job, wage: $22.00/h. Requirements: Clerical exp. 1-2 years, high school, excellent English. Main duties: Provide administrative and clerical support; Conduct telephone conversations; Create and maintain documents, filing system; Compile data and co-ordinate the flow of information; Consult customers; Assigns advisors, prepare schedules; Schedule appointments; Establish office procedures, may supervise other staff.

Job location and business address: #200, 171 Water St, Vancouver, BC V6B 1A7 Please apply by e-mail: employment.volitionconsulting@gmail.com

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Notices

The following listed items left at3363 3rdAve E, Vancouverby the Tenant, Andre Tremblay, will be disposed of by the Landlord, Jasbir Singh, same address,TV, sofa, tables, tools, small appliances, clothing, kitchen and personal items. The items will be disposed of after 30 days of the notice being served or posted,unless the person being notified takes theitems, or establishes a right to the items, or makes a dispute resolution application with the Residential Tenancy Branch, or makes anapplication in Supreme Court to establish their rights to the items.

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