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doesn’t have to change. “I view bondage the same as getting together with friends for a round of golf or shooting hoops, watching a movie or game together,” said Heavy. “I’ve had many bondage encounters that involved sex, but I’ve had even more that were simply about the bondage itself.” What Heavy is suggesting here, BOUND, is that you can meet up with another guy for a heavy bondage scene and enjoy the bondage—and even get off on the bondage—without having “sex”. You can consent to being a guy’s bondage sub for an evening or a weekend without having to consent to sucking his dick or letting him fuck your ass. “BOUND just needs to be direct about what he’s looking for when he reaches out to the guys he might like to play with,” said Heavy. “He needs to have the same conversations he had with his wife about limits, comfortability levels, and intentions. And if someone’s pushy about certain things that he’s unsure about, then they’re likely not the right person for him.” Bondage tops on Recon with the kind of gear required to put you in truly restrictive bondage will most likely have heard from other straight and/or straight-identified guys who were in it for the bondage, not the sex. If simply getting to tie you up isn’t enough—if a gay bondage top isn’t interested in a bondage-only scene with you—he’ll decline to play with you. “The most important thing is to find good and genuine people to share these kinds of experiences with,” said Heavy. “Bondage is inherently dangerous, especially when you’re the one being put in bondage, and it requires a lot of trust. BOUND needs to make sure he’s putting his trust in the right people.”
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Dan’s heavy-bondage consultant—who changed his sexual identity from straight to queer—tells a fretful fetishist that playing with other men can be just like playing golf. Photo by Vizualini/Getty.
So how do you know if you’re interacting and negotiating with and possibly playing with the right kind of guys? In addition to trusting your gut—always trust your gut—check their references. If you’re meeting bondage tops on Recon, you can send messages directly to the guys listed as friends on their profiles. Someone with a lot of friends (and a lot of original play pics) is a much safer bet than someone with no friends or pics, BOUND, but if you’re tempted to play with someone without friends listed on his profile, ask to be put in touch with other men he’s played with. If he refuses, BOUND, don’t play with him. “The gay men I played with when I was still identifying as straight were generally very respectful,” added Heavy. “I did have a few experiences where my limits weren’t respected. But, thankfully, I’m okay, and I learned from those experiences.”
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And Heavy wants you to know that there are women out there who are into intense bondage. “It’s a myth that only men play to the level BOUND is interested in playing at,” said Heavy. “Though I’ve had many incredible experiences with men, I’ve met just as many women that wanted to lock me up in the most serious forms of restraint you could ever imagine.” Follow Heavy on Twitter @for_heavy, on Instagram @_heavybondage4life_, and Only Fans at Heavybondage4life. b AS WE COME into the holidays, I am dreading having to spend time with my siblingsin-law. They are fake, self-absorbed, and delusional. At family dinners, they always serve themselves first. They don’t wait until everyone is served before starting, and they are
often finished before everyone is served. They chew with their mouth open and talk with their mouth full. They talk about themselves constantly. They are rapidly approaching middle age and have never held a full-time or permanent job. As far as anyone knows, they have never been kissed or even on a date. At first, I tried to cut them some slack. They are sheltered and don’t really have any friends. Recently, I have taken to muting them on social media so that I don’t have to see their insipid posts. I have also started skipping events with my partner’s family, but I feel guilty when I do this. Also, I feel like it would be inappropriate to tell my partner how I feel. So, what do I do? Continue to suck it up, or further distance myself and risk hurt feelings for being absent? Or do I come clean with my partner and risk hurting them? I don’t know what I would expect them to do other than offer me absolution for missing events. - In-Law Lacking Substance
terrible table manners—if someone chews with their mouth open— don’t you want them to serve themselves first and finish before you sit down to eat? As for the rest of it… It’s hard not to feel sorry for your sibling-in-law, ILLS, but it’s easy for me to feel sorry for them because I don’t have to watch them chew or listen to them talk about themselves. And while avoiding your siblingin-law this Christmas would be pretty simple (just plead Omicron), I don’t see how you can avoid seeing your partner’s sibling in the future—seeing and tolerating and, perhaps, finding some pity in your heart for them. g
If someone has
Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage. Email: questions@savagelove.net. Columns, podcasts, books, merch and more at www.savage.love.
CARPENTER
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