the sex-starved, the soft, and the homebodies

by Dan Savage

DEAR READERS: I hosted an Ask Me Anything session on my website —Savage. Love—last week, where I answered as many reader/listener questions as I could get to in 90 minutes. Here are some of the questions I didn’t get to before the buzzer sounded…

> 30S LESBIAN IN A NON-MONOGAMOUS SEXLESS MARRIAGE HERE. Do you think it’s ever possible to re-spark a sexual connection if both partners are open to it? The context: I love good sex and have had incredibly hot sexual connections with other partners, but sex in my 10-year relationship with my wife has always been infrequent, i.e., two to three times a year. She’s generally a very tired, low-energy person, and she’s so low-energy during sex that she’s literally fallen asleep mid-sex on a lot of occasions. This has done a number on my self-esteem, and the last decade of my life has been characterized by loneliness, yearning, and dissatisfaction. And lately, resentment has creeped in. You might tell me to go have amazing sex with other partners, but my wife is verrrry controlling of those connections. I’ve come to embrace the truth that this is not enough for me for the rest of my lifetime. I’m not sure how to dig my relationship out of this dynamic. We’ve been in therapy together for four years and although she says she wants the same exciting sex life that I want, nothing has changed.

Help A Lesbian Out

One of the superstar commenters at Savage.Love—BiDanFan got to your question before I did, HALO, and I liked her response: “She says she wants the same exciting sex life that you want but her actions say the opposite. She only wants sex once or twice a YEAR, and doesn’t want you to have sex with anyone else. This isn’t fair. Four years of therapy haven’t solved anything. Your wife is paying lip service to wanting to re-spark your sexual connection so you won’t leave her. But how many decades of your life will you spend like this? But don’t go have amazing sex with other people yet! Divorce your wife, then go have amazing sex with other people.”

Personally, HALO, I don’t think you have to wait until your divorce is final before you go have amazing sex with someone else. Hell, I don’t think you have to wait until you’ve even initiated a divorce. Your marriage is open and non-monogamous, which means you’re already allowed to get sex elsewhere. So, why wait? And if your wife gives you the cold shoulder, that’s something you should bring up with your therapist.

I think it’s time to issue the dreaded ultimatum: “It’s open on my terms—it’s open and joyful—or it’s over.” Your wife may pick “over,” and that may be the best outcome for both of you. But she may decide… once she realizes she can’t control you with her moods and/or run out the life-expectancy-clock in therapy… to be happy for you when you get it elsewhere.

> MY PARTNER OF FOUR YEARS—he’s male, age 59—recently started having trouble maintaining an erection. He and I have discussed it, we’re both still having a great time, and he’s going to bring it up with his doctor soon. Any tips for being a supportive and enthusiastic partner when he goes soft? Do I switch up whatever activity I’m doing when it happens? Or do I carry on? How can I be a better partner in these moments?

Having Anxieties Regarding Dick

If your partner goes soft while he’s fucking you, HARD, you obviously can’t carry on. And if he goes soft while you’re sucking him, well, blowjobs are a lot of work and sucking a soft cock is (usually, not always) wasted labor.

The better idea would be for you to pivot—I mean the plural you—to an activity that takes the focus off his dick and that relieves him of the pressure to get hard again right away or at all. He goes down on you, mutual masturbation, you bust out a vibrator, you could even borrow a page from the lesbians and get a strap-on dildo.

> HAVE YOU/ANYONE YOU KNOW HAD A MID-LIFE CRISIS? How did you/they handle it? How long did it last? Only asking as I’m slightly worried that my hubby (40-year-old gay man) might be having one and there are only so many saunas, bathhouses, threesomes, etc., I can indulge him in before I just get bored. Also, moving to a UK city-centre flat and going clubbing has zero appeal for me, a 35-year-old gay man. Any thoughts you could share?

Tired Of Going Out

When my husband was in his 20s he didn’t wanna go out so much, and neither did I. But when he turned 30, he suddenly wanted to go out. So, I let him go out, and I even went out with him once in a while. And now that he’s in his 50s… my husband still wants to go out. Not as often, TOGO, but it’s clear going out wasn’t a midlife crisis or something he would get out of his system in a year or two. It’s something he enjoys, and something he needs. So long as he’s considerate, so long as he’s there when I need him, so long as he doesn’t wake me up when he gets home, it’s not a problem. GS

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