Lesbianism is not a severance package

by Dan Savage

> I’VE BEGUN TO THINK I AM A LESBIAN. I’m 29 years old, and I’ve only been with men up to now. The first guy I was with was sexually abusive and convinced me that sexually servicing a man regardless of how I felt was the norm. I carried this into my next decade-long, mostly long-distance relationship with a man, another relationship that involved a general disregard for sexual boundaries. (At one point when I refused PIV to prevent pregnancy, he joked about pinning me down and “just sticking it in.”) I didn’t realize that being happy in a long-term sexual relationship was even possible. The thing is, while remembering most of the sexual things I’ve done disgusts me, and while I find myself uninterested in the male form, I did enjoy making out with someone and being held. But while I am now repulsed by the thought of being with a man, I have no experience with women at this late age and having actively sought out relationships with men makes me think I can’t be gay. Why would I have sought out sex acts which now disgust me? Why did I pursue men if that wasn’t what I wanted?

Done With Men

Lesbianism is not a consolation prize; lesbianism is not a severance package a woman is handed on her way out of a shitty straight relationship. Lesbianism is a romantic and sexual orientation. It’s a positive force—it’s about what (and who) a woman is drawn to, not what (and who) a woman is repulsed by. I mean, think about it… if having shitty relationships with men turned women into lesbians, DWM, there wouldn’t be any straight women left. Hell, if having shitty relationships with men turned people off men generally, DWM, there wouldn’t be any gay men left either. Straight guys with shitty ex-girlfriends would go gay, lesbians with shitty ex-wives would go straight, and bisexuals wouldn’t know what (or who) to do.

So, after reading your letter, DWM, I have a few questions for you: Are you attracted to women? When you think about making out with someone and being held, do you see yourself with a woman? Does the thought of having sex with a woman turn you on?

Do you get aroused when you think about going down on a woman, being gone down on by a woman, and doing all the other sexy sex things women do with women? If the answer to each of these questions is “yes,” DWM, then you might be a lesbian.

Many women realize they’re lesbians later in life, DWM, so your experience— years in unsatisfying straight relationships before coming out—wouldn’t be an uncommon one; you wouldn’t be the first lesbian who struggled to dig her authentic homosexuality out from under compulsory heterosexuality. Lots of women go through the motions with men—putting up with their smelly bodies and their vaguely threatening “jokes” about sexual violence—before coming to the realization it wasn’t men they wanted at all, or not men they wanted exclusively.

> I’M A 47-YEAR-OLD CIS WOMAN. I’m sexually active and don’t want to be on hormonal birth control anymore. How risky is this plan? 1. Go off BC. 2. When my period is late, take a pregnancy test. 3. If positive, do a medication abortion. 4. If negative, test again in two weeks. I would get the M&Ms (mifepristone and misoprostol) to have on hand. From what I have read, most pregnancies at my age are due to fertility treatments. The chance of becoming pregnant without treatment isn’t zero, but it’s very close to zero. I know that a major factor with most birth control is human error. I’m very careful and I know I will stick to the plan. I already track my cy- cle and take my birth control on schedule. Pregnancy Risks

Ease Getting Older

Your odds of getting pregnant at your age are extremely low, PREGO, but 100% of people whose parachutes fail to open go splat. So, while it’s unlikely to happen to you—while you’re highly unlikely to get pregnant at your age without the help of a fertility specialist—it could happen to you. Until the overturning of Roe v. Wade last summer, I would’ve slapped a “low-probability, low-consequence event” label on the worst-case scenarios here, PREGO, as you could easily keep M&Ms in stock. But with right-wing judges trying to ban M&Ms and radical Republicans criminalizing abortion care in state after state, a possible pregnancy—however unlikely—could quickly become a “low-probability, high-consequence” event for any woman. If you were to run out of M&Ms, would you be able to get more? If you were to experience complications, which are very rare but do happen, would you be able to seek follow-up care where you live without risking prosecution? I’m not suggesting you should stay on birth control at your age, PREGO, I’m just urging you to have a backup plan—at least one—in case your initial backup plan fails.

Send questions to questions@savagelove.net. Listen to Dan on the Savage Lovecast. Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage.

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