HER FIRST. Collection By: Casilya Smith
||Dear Daddy|| You were the one who was supposed to love me first. You should have been the one to love me the most. I wanted you to be the first one to ever tell me I was beautiful. I wanted you to lift up my chin and tell me that even if we were apart, you would not be very far. I wanted you to tell me that I could be anything I would like to be. I needed you to say that it was okay for me to believe. You should have told me that boys were going to break my heart, but that you never would. Even if you did, I needed you to be right there to help me mend back the pieces. I looked forward to the days that you would come around. Better yet, the days that you may actually show up. I could not wait for you to bring me around to all of your friends and boast about me being your baby girl. I wanted you to know me or at least want to know who I was and the woman I wanted to become. There is still a little girl inside of me waiting. She is waiting to be held. She is looking for that protection. The protection and warmth that only a father could give. I have come to realize how much we missed out on each other. I needed you. I needed you to need me. I needed you to be the one that was going to love me first. You could have been the one to love me the most.
Instead, I have stayed searching for someone to give to me what you ought to. I am still searching for someone to tell this little girl that she is beautiful. I need to hear that I can be anything I would like to be. I have to know that just in case another boy breaks my heart, there is going to be someone like you to still help me believe. I see now that not even you could take your place. There is just something inside of me that feels that it is a little too late‌
|| Dear Him|| I remember when we fell in love. The first time. Although we never spoke it, we both knew that it was there. It was the first time that I knew the power another could have over my heart. For a moment, you brought me to life. You taught me what it meant to be beautiful from the inside. Life was innocent back then. E i g h t e e n. I did not yet know the world, but I knew you. I knew the happiness I felt with you. At times, my mind travels back to that feeling, of happiness that is.
It is not often that you find someone that you are drawn to. It was a connection that I could never really shake off nor did I ever want to. It was you. It always has been and always will be you that I yearn for. For the love that we had remains unfinished. I sleep sometimes and I reach for you only to find that you were never really mine. Really, you were never mine at all. All we were was a moment in time. It was a moment I still remember, yet a moment I would soon like to forget. Because there was a familiar feeling that I felt that moment, you went away. It was a feeling that turned into a lesson. I learned that most moments are temporary. That most feelings are temporary. That nothing is guaranteed to last forever. It is why every feeling I have now, every moment we had then I still cherish deep inside of me. Time went on and so did we. Life kept us in our different directions. A lot of things changed and so many choices were made. You made a lot of decisions. I had always hoped you would decide on me. I had always hoped that one day you would have decided that you need my love or that no matter how many others you would come across I would always be the one you would choose.
My heart still hopes for us from time to time, but my mind knows that this feeling like most others is only temporary. It understands that we were just a moment and still yet my greatest memory.
|| Dear Sister|| You were the first person I looked up to even though you looked down on me. It had to be the most annoying thing to have me always following your lead, but as misdirected as I was then I always knew that you would never fail me. Everyone enjoyed your laugh, so I wanted to laugh just like you. Everyone always praised your smile, so I wanted to smile just like you. You were so graceful and so gifted. I wanted to be gifted too. I would at times get frustrated when my hair wouldn’t curl like yours or when I couldn’t fit into your jeans. I wanted everyone to notice how thin and beautiful I was just as it was noticed on you. You were everything I wanted to be even after I realized you were just as broken as I was. You are my sister. My first friend. The first person to hold my hand while we crossed the street. Back when we were not too cool to actually love each other.
For a brief moment in our childhood, we were children. We were a family. In a brief moment, everything fell apart. As they went their separate ways, so did we. Although we both went through bad times together, I always felt we were so far apart. As they yelled and fought, I would cry in my room. I did not know for sure if you were in your room crying too. I would leave the house, walk around, and smile because I saw that this is what you did. I learned that even through the hurt we just had to pretend. Once you were old enough to leave, you left. I always resented you for that. Not for you leaving me to endure the pain alone, but because I couldn’t leave with you. We did not have the chance to be sisters or children then, but we have definitely made up for lost time. I love you now as I loved you back when we were holding hands crossing the street. You will always have a little sister in me.
|| Dear You|| You broke my heart. Even though many others had done it before, no one had done it quite like you. I had decided with you to take a chance on love. T w e n t y. I found a friend in you first before I found anything else. We learned each other. We enjoyed most of the same things. Drake: Who
loved him more, you or me? We were so young, but not the youngest we had been. We were so dumb, but not the dumbest we had been. We both thought we had found love before, but love had not treated us right. I believe that is what we had become to each other, second chances. Please, don’t hurt me. It is all I would ever think. But, it is what you ultimately did even though I do not believe it was done intentionally. Although I loved you with every inch of me, I do not believe you were ready to receive it. It is why you so often mistreated it. You wanted to love me. You just did not know how. Eventually I felt as if you never would know what it meant to love me. I walked away from you so many times before only to come running back. You were my comfort. You were my friend. The guy I had confided in. The one I trusted with my heart. Even at times when I felt I deserved more, I would always rather be with you. I only wanted to be deserving to you. I wanted to be your world the way I had made you mine. I wanted you to be afraid to lose me. I needed you to always choose me. I may have needed too much from you. I expected you to fill every piece of me that was missing. I needed you to love the things that I did not love about me, which was everything. I never expected you to treat me unkindly. I didn’t think you would be the one to break me down. I was
already broken and I just wanted you to fix me. Instead, you hurt me sometimes with the things you said. I started to believe the awful things you thought of me. I began to hate myself or shall I say what was left of me. I gave you every part of me. A seed. Even still, that was not enough of me. You were the first person to make me feel weak both with and without you. I have gotten so numb that I cannot even feel the tears. I never thought that we would be here, but we are here. There is not one of us to blame. It is the hardest realization of seeing what once was beautiful and how it will never be the same.
|| Dear Amber|| You were the first loss that I ever felt. I never thought losing would be tough. It is the fact of missing you. It is the truth of remembering that you once were here. This feeling has gotten to be unbearable, but somehow I continue to bear it. I wake up and I mourn you. I smile while inside mourning you, but in my mind, I can hear you telling me to. The night has become my greatest fear. It was that night that they took you away from me. The thought of how you suffered awaits me in my dreams. Each time I visualize it, all I want to do is save you. And if I am too late, I just want to hold you in my arms so that you do not go away alone. I want to
run my fingers through your hair and let you know just how beautiful you will always be to me. I want to make you laugh, so that I can see your smile. The day before you went away, I remember us talking about our plans to move away together. You told me that you were ready to leave home, and that you could not wait for me to graduate so that we could finally live our dreams. You told me not to ever leave you and I promised I wouldn't. And just like that, you left me. Everyday my heart is heavy, because now I am carrying you. Sometimes I lose my balance because it is you nudging me to keep going. Every second you give me just enough strength to be strong enough for the both of us. If you do not know already, I just need you to know that you inspire me. You lift me up. You are perfection if there is any close to it. And although your life has ended, I promise to be your friend for the rest of my life. As a true angel that you are, I know that I will make it through this with you by my side. I will continue to live our dreams. I won't ever leave you, I promised.
|| Dear Me||
I often wonder what I would tell my younger self if my words were the first words I would hear. I often wonder if I could have saved myself some heartache or if I could have helped to make this journey a little bit easier. I would hold that little girl by the hand and tell her I love her. Casilya, if no one in the world loves you, love you anyway. Some people will think you are beautiful. Some of them just won’t say it. That does not mean you aren’t beautiful because my darling you are, beautiful. The special thing about you is that your light shines from within. The world will feel you even when you are no longer here because everything you will touch will have beauty in it. One day, you will have a child of your own. You will give him the things that were not given to you. You will guide him. You will love him and tell him that you love him every day of your life. He needs to know it. Every child needs to know it. And when he grows up, he will shine just a bright as you because you will always be apart of him.
Casilya, don’t be so hard on yourself. Some days you will lose control. Just know that there is a greater power that will make sure you don’t stray too far. The world will try to change your smile. Don’t let them. There will be days that you may bend, but never ever allow yourself to break. If you do, it is going to be okay. Just remember that it is always going to be okay. And in case no one ever tells you this, you deserve every blessing coming your way.