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EXCLUSIVE!!
Vol 9 Issue 2 * SUMMER 2011
TIGER’S NEW CADDY!
OBAMA READS US!
BEARS’ NEW STAR!
HENDRY FINALLY BLAMED FOR SOMETHING! CUBS GM DRAWS FIRE AFTER TRADING ENTIRE FARM SYSTEM FOR MAGIC BEANS AND SIGNING UNKNOWN CHINESE PLAYER TO 15-YEAR, $2 BILLION DEAL
TEAM SIGNS PARKING CONE AT LEFT TACKLE
SICK Exclusive !
Naked Hendry Photo Posted to Cubs’ Twitter Account Cubs GM used account for suggestive personal conversations! The embarrassment that is Cubs baseball reached a sordid, new low this week when the team’s director of social media didn’t realize the team’s official Twitter account had been compromised.
“I have a lot of respect for Jim, but I didn’t appreciate it when he tweeted ‘How do you like my five-tool player’ and ‘If you think your pitcher has nothing but junk, check this out,’” Williams said.
Clark Dweeble believed he was the only one with access to the official user name @CubsInsider, unaware that GM Jim Hendry has also been using the account for his “personal” conversations online.
Hendry could not be reached for comment, and Dweeble has since changed the account’s password.
Nearly 30,000 followers who received the tweet “Take a look at my hanging curveball” were shocked by the attached, grainy Twitpic of what appeared to be a naked Hendry feeding himself grapes in an alluring pose. But that was only the tip of the iceberg.
“They didn’t shut it down fast enough for me,” a disgusted Williams said. “I tweeted Jim that I’d trade him Adam Dunn for an old sack of balls, and the reply I got … well, let’s just say it’s burned into my retina for good. By Dave Gallagher. Image by Pat Lamorte.
Sox GM Kenny Williams revealed that several Twitter conversations he conducted with Hendry exploring trade options were “strange, to say the least.”
STRESSED OUT QUADE BEGINS SPROUTING HAIR! Saying it has been a tough few days for Cubs Manager Mike Quade would be an understatement. After being burned twice by Albert Pujols over the weekend in St. Louis with walk-off home runs, fans and media have begun turning on the normally amiable Quade. To top it off, enigmatic pitcher Carlos Zambrano threw teammate Carlos Marmol under the bus, leaving the Cubs manager to deal with a ticking time bomb ready to explode. The stress of managing the “Lovable Losers” appears to have already taken a toll on the Cubs skipper. After his second consecutive sleepless night on Sunday, Quade arose Monday morning in Cincinnati to an unusual sight tufts of hair sprouting from his head, shoulders and back. Quade, who suffers from the condition alopecia areata, hadn’t been able to grow hair since he was 3 years old.
“I looked in the mirror this morning and I saw George ‘the Animal’ Steele staring back at me,” said Quade. “It was more frightening than watching Alfonso Soriano up against the vines at Wrigley.” Outside of the unexpected body whiskers, Quade says he is feeling fine and has a positive outlook for the rest of the season. “There’s really no reason to worry; I’m still blowing sunshine out of my butt,” said Quade. “It’s just a matter of days before I have pet nicknames for every player on the 40-man roster. Along with Demp and Wellsy and Cassie, we’ve got Sucky and Bummy and No Rangey and Underachievy and Should’ve Stuck with Footbally.
Who says there’s no fun in baseball?” By Jeremy Barewin. Image by Kurt Evans.
Things getting desperate on the North Side!
Hoping to steal more bases, entire Cubs roster gets P.F. Flyers shoes MEANWHILE: FANS CHOOSE TO WATCH PAINT DRY INSTEAD OF CUBS GAME ON TV After painting his garage early one Sunday morning, Deerfield native Hank Patterson had planned to spend the rest of the day watching the Cubs-Phillies game on WGN. “But about halfway through the game, my mind sort of drifted back to the paint in the garage,” said Patterson. “Was it drying evenly? Did the color look different on the wall than it did on the swatch?” Eventually, Patterson decided to go check out the paint. Next thing he knew, two hours had passed and he was still staring at the beige wall, simply watching the paint dry.
The Cubs are at the bottom of the league in a majority of statistics this year, and stealing bases is no different. Even though it is rare that the Cubs find themselves in a position to steal a base, manager Mike Quade still would like to see more. His first order of business to get his team moving will be to fit the entire roster with P.F. Flyers.
“I guess compared to watching the Cubs, even drying paint seems interesting,” he said, pointing to the little spot in the corner that was still a darker brown than the rest. “I already know how the Cubs’ game is going to end, but this paint … well … it could be any number of shades once it’s done drying. Beige. Brown-beige. Eggshell-beige.”
“I was watching the Sandlot on TBS the other day and was just amazed at what those shoes did for Benny ‘the Jet’ Rodriguez,” said Quade, sporting his own pair of P.F. Flyers. “It would take the lightest pair of shoes in the world and a 10-second head start to get Aramis to steal a base, but maybe these could help the rest of us out a bit.”
When he finally got around to checking the final score, Patterson was not surprised to learn the Cubs had blown a late lead to lose 4-3 and conclude their road trip with a 2-8 record.
Besides fitting the entire team with their own P.F. Flyers, Quade began simulating certain parts of the movie to help the team train and bond. He’s gone as far as letting a ravenous dog chase the players all over Wrigley Field, on the field and in the stands— and has even organized a team trip to the local pool, where he had young-looking rookie, Tony Campana, fake drown in order to score with the lifeguard. The Cubs are now banned from that pool for life.
actually means to steal a base. Because the Cubs don’t have the highest baseball I.Q. as a team, many of the players have resorted to stealing bases—literally.
His second order of business is to educate his team on what it
“I caught a few of the guys walking out of the
clubhouse after a game with a base under their arms,” said Quade, shaking his head in disbelief. “I’ve been involved in baseball for 30 years and thought I’d seen everything, but this Cubs team never fails to surprise me. Do you see what I have to work with here?” By Michael Kloempken. Image by Kurt Evans.
Finally! Cubs Spruce Up ‘Dumpy’ Wrigley With New Wallpaper Eager to impress the Yankees during their rare visit to Wrigley in June, the Ricketts family hung new wallpaper on Wrigley Field overnight, hoping baseball’s premier franchise wouldn’t notice how dumpy the stadium actually is.
Yankees, Ricketts headed to a nearby Home Depot, where he picked up 400,000 square feet of wallpaper. Then he and some of his siblings got to work.
“The Yankees are the most famous team in all of sports and just got a brand new $2.3 billion stadium,” said Cubs owner Tom Ricketts. “And since people have recently started calling our stadium a dump, we had to do something to liven the place up.”
“Pete and Laura were eager to help,” said Ricketts. “We couldn’t find Todd anywhere though. That’s so like him to bail when there’s work to be done.”
The night before the Cubs began their series with the
Tom, Pete and Laura spent all night hanging the new wallpaper on Wrigley’s facade. The project was wrapped up just in time to greet the Yankees at Wrigley
the morning of the game. Ricketts said he didn’t get the reaction he was hoping from the Yankees’ ownership group. “It was a little disappointing when Hank Steinbrenner showed up and didn’t even notice the new wallpaper,” said Ricketts. “He just asked where the bathroom was. I can’t wait until he sees all the new urinals we installed.” By Brad Zibung. Image by Pat Lamorte.
CUBS LOCK FANS INSIDE WRIGLEY TO PREVENT THEM FROM LEAVING EARLY “Now I’m locked inside, so I might as well keep watching. And buy another beer.” bad baseball cliché brought to life. To prevent fans from leaving early, the Cubs are partnering with Master Lock to hold them inside Wrigley until the game is over. “Going to Wrigley is supposed to be fun and memorable,” Cubs owner Tom Ricketts said. “And just in case it isn’t, then maybe our fans will learn to like it if they can‘t get out.” “The Cubs were unwatchable up to now,” lifelong Cubs fan Avery Mayfair said from his Wrigley seat. “Now I’m locked inside, so I might as well keep watching. And buy another beer.”
Luring fans into Wrigley Field was never a problem for the Cubs. The majestic beauty of baseball's Pied Piper, Wrigley, has always attracted—and kept—fans until the bitter end.
Master Lock has created gigantic chains and padlocks with the Cubs logo. The chains are wrapped around the exterior of the landmark building, and will be secured with padlocks just after the National Anthem. If any fans somehow escape from Wrigley Field during the game, they will be rounded up by the multitude of security guards posted on sidewalks. The AWOL fans will be handed free passes to future Cubs games that they will be forced to attend.
But fans are starting to leave Wrigley in droves around the fourth inning to avoid seeing every
By Rob C. Christiansen. Image by Pat Lamorte.
So long Wrigley Rooftops!
Cubs Sign Dwight Gooden for Starting Pitching Depth Former Cy Young winner and perpetual train wreck Dwight Gooden has signed with the Cubs through the end of the season to give their much maligned starting rotation some depth. Though generally considered useless to society following a March 2010 traffic accident while he was high on cocaine and driving with his 5-year old son in the back seat without a seat belt, Gooden now instantly becomes the top starting pitcher for the North Siders. He will take the mound for them in the opener of the Yankees’ series on Friday.
Fans stop caring so one-time hot spots to go back to tar-paper and lawn chairs The rooftop bleachers and party decks on Waveland and Sheffield Avenues will soon be a thing of the past. Wrigleyville rooftop owners this week announced their decision to dismantle their viewing structures, citing financial losses and lack of fan interest. “We just couldn’t stay competitive,” said Gus Ferguson, president and CEO of the Wrigley Rooftop Association that controls properties on Sheffield Avenue. “Sales have been disappointing. We’re just not getting enough revenue to keep the grills fired up and the kegs tapped. No one wants to see this team, even drunk.” Most of the properties will dismantle their rooftop amenities and revert to the rental units they were before the 1990s building bubble. The bleacher structures, grill stations and party rooms will be scrapped in favor of the traditional tar-paper slanted roofs of a typical Chicago three-flat. Many
of the apartments have already been granted “Section 8” rent-subsidy eligibility, which will enable a return of the area’s former majority population of single old men subsisting on disability payments. Apartments will be ready to rent as soon as restorations are completed to “get rid of that fratboy smell,” says Ferguson. Folding lawn chairs will be available for anyone willing to take in a day game. The 2004 revenue-sharing agreement between the Cubs and their “official rooftop partners” will also be rescinded. New terms are being negotiated to include a per diem payment from the Cubs to the property owners for every home game when a resident does not spit or urinate over the ledge or is not captured on television sleeping on a rooftop in his underwear. By Cary Nathenson.
Gooden is the star of season five’s “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew,” but Cubs skipper Mike Quade says he doesn’t want any prima donnas on his team. “I’m familiar with pranksters, having seen a lot of the nonsense Ryan Dempster pulls,” Quade said, adding he once saw his Taurus on fire in the Wrigley parking lot and Dempster standing near the blaze, laughing fool-heartedly. “Gooden won’t be treated like a celebrity and he won’t be allowed to take the resin bag home with him. Who does he think he is? Steve Miller the Stanley Cup hockey referee? Resin bags aren’t meant to be snorted--or sold on eBay.” GM Jim Hendry is taking a chance signing Gooden, who might appear to have too many distractions going on at once. The right-hander who pitched 16 seasons and won 194 games, including a no-hitter for the Yankees and a World Series with the Mets, must serve probation and undergo outpatient drug treatment stemming from the traffic accident. “Dwight has his troubles, but he also has far more ability than my assortment of number three starters,” Hendry said. “He’ll also bring fans back to Wrigley, something I doubt Chris Carpenter could do.” “We’re the Cubs, not some rehab facility,” Cubs Marketing Director Wally Hayward said regarding the maelstrom surrounding Gooden. “Well, maybe we are some rehab facility, come to think of it. But if Lenny Dykstra shows up to try to break our ace out of here, he’s going to have to buy a ticket to get in. Our paid attendance is down this year.” By Rob C. Christiansen.
IT’S THE CHEESIEST! KRAFT NOODLE TO PATROL LEFT FIELD FOR CUBS After departing Wrigleyville this winter, the giant Kraft Noodle hit hard times. He had tryouts in Pittsburgh and Kansas City, but they were scared off due to his tennis elbow macaroni. He even tried to take his talents to South Beach, but Pat Riley couldn’t fit him under the salary cap.
middle infielder in left field,” said Cubs GM Jim Hendry. “I talked to Mike Quade and he agreed, nobody knows Wrigley like the Kraft Noodle. Even with Soriano back, Krafty is our best option out there in terms of pure fielding ability.”
“It’s been a tough four months,” said Kraft Noodle. “I was getting ready to hang ’em up and start doing analysis for the Food Network ... then Jim called.”
Ryan Dempster was the happiest to have the Kraft Noodle back at Wrigley. “Everyone thinks I’m the biggest jokester in the clubhouse,” the righthander said. “But truth be told, Krafty is the cheesiest!”
Due to injury problems, we were down to using some bearded
By Vince LiFonti. Photoshop by Kurt Evans.
GUILLEN BANNED FROM HIGH SCHOOL AFTER PROFANITY-LACED GRAD SPEECH
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zzie Guillen was barred for life from Wheaton Warrenville South High after delivering a withering, explicit speech at the graduation ceremony of the school’s class of 2011. Forgoing the motivational, uplifting tone typically heard at these events, the Sox manager delivered a keynote that was part stream-ofconsciousness rambling, part roast—and all delivered in his profane, heavily accented English. “Man oh man, did you little [expletive deleted] pick the
wrong time to graduate,” Guillen said in his opening remarks. “This economy is [expletive deleted]. Looking out at all you [expletive deleted] losers. I can tell most of you are going to be living at mom and dad’s for the next 10 years. For those of you lucky enough to get jobs, maybe half of you work at [expletive deleted] Popeye’s Chicken, and the other half get your [expletive deleted] blown off in Afghanistan.” Then, Guillen’s invective turned to subjects that had been bothering him lately. “So, Sean Penn thinks he would rather live in Venezuela than the U.S., huh? I’d like to see how long Mr. Fancy Pants actor would last in the bad part of Caracas. That [expletive deleted] would get stabbed to death in the first five
Glacier Sent in to Pitch Run for Konerko
[expletive deleted] minutes. “And another thing: You guys seen The Biggest Loser? I swear, the producers manage to wring a one-hour show out of a couple of [expletive deleted]minutes of meaningful footage. And people say baseball games drag on!” The speech, which lasted about 45 minutes, finally ended when principal Sheila Johnson-Holt went up to the podium and cut Guillen off. He called her a couple of unprintable names, then stepped down. “Needless to say, we won’t be asking Mr. Guillen back,” Johnson-Holt said, then thought about that for a few seconds. “Well, unless he wins another World Series. Then maybe we’ll reconsider.” By Brian Summerfield.
James Russell Applies for Bartender Position at Murphy’s
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fter being bumped from the starting rotation, James Russell is ready for other ways to convince Cubs fans that he is reliable and knowledgeable of locally-crafted pilsners. Manager Mike Quade is supportive of Russell taking on the extra work.
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oping to eke out a late-inning insurance run in a tight game, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen recently opted to send in a glacier to run for slowfooted slugger Paul Konerko, who had knocked a single to left. “The glacier moves at about 90 feet per week, which is slightly faster than Paulie,” said Guillen. “That dude is slow as [expletive deleted]. Actually, I think [expletive deleted] moves faster than him, too.”
While many fans and broadcasters have joked that Konerko runs at a “glacial place,” the Sox slugger was surprised to learn he literally moves slower than a large hunk of melting ice. “Well, at least I have more personality than the glacier,” said Konerko, before he was told teammates nicknamed the glacier ‘Bergy’ and have gone drinking with it each of the last three nights. “Wait, what? The guys said they were staying in last night!”
“The people at Murphy’s have offered a deal where James could work up until game time and report back to the bar after the game to continue serving Old Style,” said the Cubs skipper. “It’s a win-win.” “We have a great relationship with the Cubs organization,” said Murphy’s manager Billy Shannon, pointing to the multiple signed jerseys on the wall behind the bar. “Usually that relationship is with players as patrons, but Russell is a nice kid with a lot of energy. He can effortlessly switch out a keg. He has a lot of potential in this business.” Patron Jeremy Freidman liked Russell’s service.
“I was pleasantly surprised,” said Freidman. “He was able to open my can of Coors Light without error. He got my change right. I tipped him a buck.” Russell said he’s just following in the footsteps of one of his heroes. “Rick Sutcliffe was my favorite player growing up,” said Russell. “That dude was spending 12 hours a day at Murphy’s before I was even born. That’s the kind of dedication I need to be successful on the mound. And behind the bar.” By Marci Rubin. Photoshop by Kurt Evans.
A.J. Pierzynski ditches batting practice to tailgate with fans
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ong toss is part of every pitcher and catcher’s pregame warm-up, but A.J. Pierzynski may be in hot water as a result of his loose interpretation of that ritual before Monday’s CubsSox game.
“They’re always telling us to interact with the fans, so I don’t see what the big deal is,” Pierzynski said when asked about reports that he was in Lot E playing a heated game of bags and eating Italian sausage sandwiches less than 15 minutes before game time, when he was supposed to be going over the game plan with his starting pitcher. Fans who witnessed the traditional tailgating pastime said it was all in good fun, and that A.J. was delayed only because the game wouldn’t end.
“It was a bunch of cute drunk girls who don’t know how to throw, and A.J., who can’t throw to save his life either,” said a fan. “That’s a recipe for a really long game. Onlookers reportedly booed Pierzynski’s every toss, with calls to “Put in Castro!” “Every time A.J.’s turn came up, he could’ve ended it with one good toss,” said pitching coach Don Cooper. “But he either bounced all three bags 10 feet in front of the target, or launched them into some guy’s cooler three cars down. We’re going to work on his stance and mechanics.” A visibly irritated Ozzie Guillen could not grasp the concept of “throwing bags.” “Corn hole? I been called a lot worse than that.” By Dave Gallagher.
Cubs Draft Chris Farley in Second Round
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ubs Scouting Director Tim Wilken has been known to go off the board in recent MLB drafts, picking guys like Hayden Simpson and Tyler Colvin hundreds of spots ahead of where they were projected to go. He pulled another wild card out of the hat on Tuesday in the second round, reaching for Chris Farley look-alike Daniel Vogelbach, who at 5’11” tips the scales at 280 pounds.
Wilken explained that Vogelbach was not, however, drafted for his fishing skills or potential on the baseball field, but instead for the comedic relief he will bring to an otherwise moribund Cubs clubhouse.
When it comes to hitting slumps, Greg Walker thought he had seen it all. In his nine seasons with the White Sox, he’s helped a lot of desperate players work through horrendous stretches. “Sometimes it’s physical. Sometimes it’s mental. Sometimes they just have no talent,” Walker said. “But this is my first slump that’s computer-based.” Walker is referring to the season-long train wreck of Adam Dunn, the high-priced automatic out whose paltry numbers have reduced fans to calling for Mark Teahen to take over the DH role, a sure sign of desperation. “We tried film work. We tried extra BP. We tried verbal abuse,” Walker said. “Then Adam asked me if he could use this 6-inch plastic bat that weighs two ounces. I told him to go for it.” Details have surfaced that the custom bat Dunn now prefers is actually a Wii accessory. During a closed batting practice, Dunn reportedly sprayed tape-measure shots all over the concourse, one-handed, simply by flicking his wrist. “I played Wii for hours at a
time all off-season, and I think I messed up my swing a little bit,” Dunn admitted. “Playing Wii, you pretty much hack away at every pitch. That works OK against your kid, but it’s the wrong approach against big league pitchers.” There’s considerable doubt as to whether MLB regulations will permit Dunn to use the Wii bat in game action. In the meantime, Walker is trying to bridge the gap between Dunn’s Wii swing and the one the team counted on for 30-plus HR and 100-plus RBI. “We’re talking to Roger Bossard about wheeling a 72-inch flat screen behind the mound whenever Adam comes up, to simulate a Wii game, but that could get complicated,” Walker said. “I doubt an old cuss like Leyland would allow it.” By Dave Gallagher. Photoshop by Mike Gonzalez.
Cubs announce trades of Soriano, Pena and Zambrano in cruel prank
Wilken believes the Cubs may have found a diamond in the rough. “We found Daniel living in a van down by the river,” said Wilken. “He can cast a reel and skip rocks with the best of them.”
Dunn Messed Up Swing Playing Too Much Wii Baseball
“You should see this guy fall through tables. It’s frickin’ hilarious,” said Wilken. “And when he does his Chippendales routine, the guys go rolling on the floor in laughter. Man, I thought Dempster was a clown. This guy tops his act.” By Jeremy Barewin.
Cubs management held a trade-deadline press conference to announce they had traded the much-maligned and highly paid trio of Alfonso Soriano, Carlos Pena and Carlos Zambrano to the Red Sox in exchange for a series of highly touted prospects. Cubs brass then broke into hysterical laughter as part of a cruel prank on Cubs fans. “It was a difficult decision,” GM Jim Hendry said before snickering and pausing to regain his composure. “But we felt it was in their best interest to ... I’m sorry, I can’t even keep a straight face, you guys!” Management ended the conference by announcing they planned on lowering ticket prices, before screaming, “Gotcha!” and giggling as they ran out of the room.
CRAZY Exclusive! A-Rod Finally Finds True Love —But it’s With Himself! Yankee caught making out with himself in the mirror ... AGAIN!
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lways a breath away from a controversy, Alex Rodriguez was again caught kissing himself in a Yankees locker room mirror, part of an apparent self-loving trend that began in 2009 with a now-infamous Details magazine mirror make-out photo.
“I thought he was over his muscular men with breasts phase when he dumped Madonna,” said Posada. “But now he’s back at it with the only person he truly loves.”
“That magazine photo was just the start of it,” said Yankees clubhouse manager Lou Cucuzza Jr. “I’ve been finding purple smooches on everything reflective in the locker room since ’07.”
Posada wasn’t the only Yankee to weigh in.
attention with Yankees faithful.
“In the right light, at the right angle, he kind of looks like Jeter,” said clubhouse comedian Nick Swisher with a chuckle. “Hell, if I sort of looked like the Captain, I’d kiss myself too.”
Extremely testy after grounding out to end a recent game with the go-ahead run on second base, A-Rod shouted at a beat reporter who asked about the mirror make-out session.
Despite winning a ring in 2009, Rodriguez can’t seem to keep himself from being the center of mostly negative
“Yeah, so I’m pretty,” Rodriguez shouted while watching himself flex. “Sue me!”
Most of the Bronx Bombers don’t care what Rodriguez does in his free time, but a brave few chimed in on the matter. Jorge Posada blasted his teammate’s choice in objects of affection.
Berkman Replaces Jared Fogel as Subway Spokesman Lance Berkman’s resurgence has led to a new endorsement for the slimmed down slugger as Subway announced that Mr. Berkman will be serving as a spokesperson for the fast food restaurant. “We’re really excited,” said Subway V.P. of Marketing Tom Butler. “We get to trade a spokesman who simply went from morbidly obese to normal for a spokesman who went from morbidly obese to normal and can hit a fastball.” Berkman’s path to good health actually mirrors Fogel’s, with the exception that Berkman has always eaten at Subway restaurants. The difference is that Berkman cut down to 18 inches of sandwich per meal from 30 inches. He also started walking to the restaurant from the parking lot rather than making his driver go in and
pick up the sandwiches for him. “Really, that was him all those days?” asked Subway manager Nicolas Styles. “I assumed that guy was ordering for a group of school children or something. Who can eat that much in one sitting by himself? He’s in the wrong sport; he needs to head to Coney Island on July Fourth to find his true calling.” Berkman is hoping his new commitment to fitness will help him land one more big major league contract. “If I can get one more big contract, then I can really let myself go,” Berkman said. “I’m going to re-earn that Fat Elvis nickname and make Carlos Lee look like David Eckstein. The Cubs might need a first baseman next year, right?” Written by Giles Tellum.
Party Time for McIlroy U.S. Open winner celebrated with a drug-fueled porn star orgy!
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bservers hoping baby-faced Rory McIlroy might emerge as the next Tiger Woods were shocked to learn McIlroy celebrated his record-breaking U.S. Open win Sunday with a massive drug-fueled porn star orgy that lasted into the wee hours of the next morning. “At such a tender age, Rory plays the sort of golf that energizes our fan base like no one since Tiger Woods,” said PGA Director Tim Finchem.
“Unfortunately, we have learned Rory also shares Woods’ penchant for off-the-course excesses. We’ve got to figure out a way to cover this up.” McIlroy emerged from his Bethesda, Md.-area hotel suite dazed and confused at around 5 a.m. Monday, but took questions from a few reporters who happened to be in the hotel lobby. “Hell yeah, I dominated that shit,” said the 22-year-old Northern Ireland native. “And then I
did it up big. Shagging every porn star I could round up while ingesting more drugs than anyone could imagine. It was pure aces, my friends.”
Pittsburgh Mascot Inserted in Lineup in Order to Draw Fans
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he Pirates, who haven’t had a winning record since 1992, have announced they will insert team mascot Pirate Parrot in their lineup. Bucs Chief Marketing Officer Jeff DePaolo admits the move is intended solely to draw fans into Pittsburgh’s PNC Park. “We went with Parrot because he won’t scare kids away, with their parents in tow, like Captain Jolly possibly might,” DePaolo said. He added that Pirate Pierogi was actually the best hitter of the team’s three mascots during recent tryouts, but that Pierogi was fired a year ago for
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comments critical about the Pirates posted to his Facebook page, and is not qualified for rehire. The Pirates are averaging 20,785 fans through 26 home games. The Marlins are the only NL team averaging fewer fans (17,114). Florida reportedly had considered inserting its mascot, Billy Marlin, in its lineup until the team learned that Billy Marlin is susceptible to the hook. To make room for Pirate Parrot on the roster, Pittsburgh has sent shortstop Ronny Cedeno back to the Cubs where he will immediately become the team’s second-best player.
EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: Packers SB ring features Calvin peeing on Bears Logo!