Catholics outraged: Luther chosen as commencement speaker

By | Grace Sola

Martin Luther will be Hillsdale’s next commencement speaker, sparking complaints from Catholic students.

“I just really don’t feel represented by this speaker,” freshman John Luke Matthias Athanasius O’Connor said. “Half of Hillsdale is Catholic, and I don’t think the board should’ve chosen someone who has made his career bringing down the One True Church.”

Luther is known for criticizing the church’s practice of selling indulgences and inspiring the Protestant Reformation.

Catholics are organizing a crusade to protest Luther’s arrival, followed by an inquisition of InterVarsity leadership and a sprinkling of holy water on College Baptist Church.

“Whoever chose this speaker deserves a diet of worms,” senior Mary-Margaret Cecelia O’Brady said. “I’m scared RCIA numbers will take a hit. This campus doesn’t need more hand-raising, acoustic guitar-playing, tongue-praying, Bible readers.”

“I for one support Luther

Charger Football adopts new game plan

The Hillsdale College Chargers football team struggled through the 2022 season, finishing with a record of 5-6. One bright spot on the team was sophomore receiver Elon Tesla who made plays all over the field. Coach Beaver blamed the team’s struggles on an overly complicated playbook which was leaked to the Collegian. being elected,” fifth-year Johnny Kelvin said. “I’m tired of the ’Lics getting all the attention on this campus.”

Professor Dan Eastsword agreed.

“Luther was definitely predestined for this role,” Eastsword said.

Junior Mary Bernadette Perpetua St. Claire said she has been praying to the patron saint of washing machines for a different speaker.

“We thought it was gonna be that cardinal, then everything came out, and now he’s not allowed to be within 25 from the line of scrimmage.

To simplify the offense, Coach Beaver has invented a new scheme where the team has nine offensive linemen and one quarterback while Elon Tesla runs around and tries to get open. yards of a school,” St. Claire said.

Some Protestants say they do not feel obligated to attend.

“I’ll just watch the livestream on Sunday for my church fix,” said sophomore MyKayleigh Smith, who attends Thriving Vine and Branches Church in Jackson. “Now I don’t have to go on Christmas.”

The Well will host a post-ceremony open time of worship and unguided prayer, said Clayton VanPyke, class of 1844.