A Grand Connection

F R E E

Take me with you!

THE

M A G A Z I N E

Spring 2019 / theholisticparent.ca

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Multi-generational attachment

Story By JANE HOBSON

Co-sleeping, breastfeeding and baby-wearing are not new

behaviours for mothers. In fact, these instinctive actions have been standards of child-rearing across many cultures for centuries. But it’s more recently that they’re considered keystones of attachment parenting. Derived from attachment theory, an idea coined by British psychologist John Bowlby in the late 1950s, attachment parenting is the philosophy that these close physical activities foster a deep emotional connection and sense of security between child and mother. How grandparents fit into the attachment parenting model, however, is a more recent topic of conversation.

“Attachment theory is the idea that our attachments are formed from our earliest stages and shape whether we will have securely attached or insecurely attached relationships later on in life,” says Ashley Mariani, a registered psychotherapist and creator of Mind Online, a web-based mental health support resource for new parents. “Attachment parenting is about being available when your child needs you to let them know they can trust you.”

Children who are securely attached to their parents tend to have some distinct behaviours, Mariani explains. For example, the child is social in toddler playgroups and is willing to wander away from mom to mingle with other children. The child explores the unfamiliar and knows mom is still there; she can look at mom or walk over when she needs to reconnect with her safe base. In a new environment, such as daycare, a securely attached child is upset when mom leaves, but eventually calms down and engages in activities; she is excited to see mom when she arrives at the end of the day. A secure attachment manifests as a secure partnership later in life, too, adds Mariani. A securely attached adult partner tends to be trustworthy, is able to make decisions on their own and doesn’t have anxiety about being apart from their significant other.

When it comes to grandparenting, Mariani reminds parents that every family is different — and that’s completely okay. An attachment approach may not suit all grandparents even if it’s the child-rearing method that resonates with parents. She recommends that parents and grandparents sit down together for a conversation about the boundaries and expectations they have as caregivers, and then follow-through by respecting these boundaries on both sides. “As long as the child has a consistent attachment with a parent and isn’t witnessing conflicts between

the two parties, it doesn’t really matter if the grandparent practices attachment or not,” Mariani says.

For parents who adhere to schedules beyond the nine to five workday, setting boundaries with grandparents who are primary caregivers is even more crucial, agrees Dana Greenlaw. Greenlaw is a telecommuting lawyer. Her husband is a musician. They often enlist the support of Greenlaw’s parents to look after their children since it’s a challenge to find a childcare program that suits their unpredictable weekly schedule. After talking to other parents and discovering many were on daycare waitlists or couldn’t find flexible childcare for their lifestyle, Greenlaw opened Coworking Parents Studio in Guelph. It’s a shared workspace that offers on-site supervised childcare at flexible hours for an annual membership fee. The studio is open to parents who work from home or need to get paperwork done with their little ones close by but don’t have the support of additional caregivers such as grandparents, like Greenlaw does.

“At first [my parents] were shocked about my 26-month breastfeeding journey with my son, but now they understand the long-term benefits for him. They see that I have happy babies — and that it might be because of attachment parenting,” says Greenlaw, who openly discussed her philosophies to help her parents understand. She says they continue to learn and ask lots of questions. She has even noticed her parents are more responsive to their grandkid’s crying than they used to be, even though this is not how they raised her. “When you become a parent, your relationship with your own parents changes. For me, it strengthened our bond. It has made my parenting experience very positive. It’s easier to ask for help when I need it because I know they support me,” says Greenlaw.

While her own journey has been mostly conflict-free, she recognizes that everyone’s relationship with their parents is unique. “Parents sometimes think it’s a judgment on their own parenting when their kids decide to do it differently. But through patience, explanation and standing your ground, they’ll hopefully start to understand,” Greenlaw says.

Letting your child raise their kids the way they want is both the most challenging and rewarding part of grandparenting, agrees Jennie Agnew, an attachment parent who is now an attachment grandparent. Agnew was adopted and grew up in an abusive

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household. She cut ties to her adoptive family when she became pregnant in her late-20s. “I knew that no child of mine would feel the way that I did growing up. I parented from scratch, really. All I knew was how not to parent,” Agnew says.

After giving birth she joined La Leche League, an international non-profit organization that educates and offers support to breastfeeding mothers. “The group fiercely advocates for attachment parenting which was something I already felt in my gut, but the local League helped me confirm it. Seeing other people model attachment parenting was so helpful because I knew I wasn’t the only person who did it.”

Fast-forward 19 years and Agnew’s daughter also chose the route of midwives, breastfeeding, homebirth and co-sleeping when she gave birth to her first child. Her daughter moved in with Agnew and her husband when the baby was born. As grandparents, they co-slept, did babywearing and spent lots of physical time with the newborn. “Now when we go pick her from preschool, she runs over and launches herself into grandpa’s arms,” laughs Agnew. “We have a very close attachment with our grandchildren.”

Despite the similarities, she notices some differences in her daughter’s approach to mothering. She is much less patient and not as gentle. “It’s interesting to see your kids do something that you wouldn’t do. But I respect that choice when her kids are at my house. I respect that these are not my kids. My kids are adults and they make their own choices,” says Agnew.

Looking back, Agnew thinks it was the secure relationship she had with her adoptive grandparents that helped cement what kind of grandparent she wanted to be. “[My grandparents] took me as often as they could. All of my childhood photos are at their house or their cottage. They really were my lifeline. I think as long as a child has one positive caregiver in their life who loves them unconditionally, they will make it out.” Agnew added that she’s proud of all the counseling she did when she was pregnant. “I was horrified of repeating my [adoptive] parents’ patterns. You deal with history or it deals with you. That’s what I always say.” She says this wisdom comes from lived experience. “Any kind of nervousness about the way I was raising my kids when I was younger is gone because I see the way it plays out with my grandkids.

above and left (submitted by Jennie Agnew): Brent Swartzentruber and Jennie with granddaughers Merit, 3, and Erza, 8.

Below (submitted by Gillian Laudano): Family at Lion’s Head; baby Sophia with Grandma and Grandpa at her baptism.

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Above and right (submitted by Dana Greenlaw): Dana with Sebastian. Dana with Oliver. Grandma Delia Suvagau with grandson Oliver.

Below (submitted by Gillian Laudano): Nonna and Nonno with their grandchildren; Nonno with baby Julia.

I have no regrets now. Plus, the more society normalizes it, the less women have to stress and worry. Everything about having children is normal.”

Similar to Agnew, Gillian Laudano was also involved with La Leche League in the late-80s and early-90s when her mother was a leader with the organization. Now attachment parenting her own children with her husband, Laudano says both her parents and in-laws are super supportive of their child-rearing philosophies. “They support my tandem-breastfeeding journey, they lay down with our children to help them get to sleep when they babysit and they’re just very supportive. It makes it very easy to be involved with them because there’s no tension in the relationship,” says Laudano, who is also a doula.

“It’s very validating to have two sets of parents supporting us and applauding our efforts. That’s huge. I guess it’s because we have really positive relationships with our own parents and we’ve remained close whereas maybe you wouldn’t [without attachment parenting].” Her advice for other parents seeking the same grandparent relationship is to approach it lightly and be open to other people’s concerns. “Their questions are probably coming from a place of genuine love. They have their own biases and fears and that’s okay.”

While attachment parenting includes responsiveness to crying, room-sharing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, baby-wearing and other behaviours, parents and grandparents can subscribe to some or all of these activities without labeling it. “We’re so bombarded with new data and research as parents that we sometimes start to freak ourselves out and overthink things. It’s important not to completely dismiss or become extremely obsessed with what we read,” Mariani says. “Children should be treated with the same respect and kindness we expect from others. After all, our kids mimic everything that we do, so if we mentor kindness for them, they’ll project that onto others in their world.”

PODCAST ALERT! Continue the conversation with Episode 4: Attachment with Lesley Talking with Grown Ups Podcast

Available at theholisticparent.ca/podcast iTunes | Spotify | Google Podcast

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