A look into the history of acceptance and coming out in the school community

Ariella Frommer Staff Writer

“There were microaggressions and it was clear that some students had an unconscious bias against queer people,” Rachel Lee ‘17 said regarding her experiences as a queer student at the school. “It seems like younger people, in general, are more cognizant of being inclusive towards different identities, which makes me optimistic that things are going in a better direction.”

No queer student was out when history teacher Dr. Emily Straus ‘91 was a student. “Maybe they were out to their friends, but they were not out publicly.” When Straus started teaching at the school in 2014, the environment for queer students had become more accepting, but few kids were out, she said.

When Jordan Roth ‘93 was a student, being gay was frowned upon, he said. “But, I don’t think that was specific to the Horace Mann culture,” Roth said. “That was the world culture.“

The school had a reputation of being more conservative than other private schools in New York City during the late 2010s, Dahlia Krutkovich ‘17 said. “It did feel like there was a culture shift halfway through high school, but there was still a stigma around being gay or queer, and it was not a very welcoming environment.”

Krutkovich did not come out to peers outside of her friend group at school because of fear of being judged by other students as well as her family values, she said. “I was coming from a particular home life where being gay was not valued.”

The social environment of the school did not provide a comfortable environment for queer students to be out during Lee’s time at school, she said. “There were 175 people in my year and I would say five to 10 people were out.” For example, most queer students did not bring their date to prom, she said.

While there was no direct hostility or violence against queer students, there was discreet bullying, Krutkovich said. “People definitely used certain slurs behind closed doors and there was a lot of guessing about who was gay.” In addition, there was a fear of being associated with the queer students on campus, Krutkovich said. “I had the sense that gay students were really judged at Horace Mann for having their hair dyed or being too artsy or not being smart enough.”

Compared to when they first came to the school in sixth grade, Etta Singer (11) has noticed that the number of queer students who are out has increased, they said. “Now, to see so many middle schoolers who are out, is really cool.”

Sophie Li (11) has also noticed that a lot of her peers identify as LGBTQ+, she said. “There is a willingness to explore, push boundaries, and not be confined to gender and sexuality norms.”

Elizabeth Lam (9) is out and feels comfortable telling anyone who asks, she said. “I’m out but most people just assume I’m straight, which bothers me a bit that certain people think that everyone’s straight unless they dress a different way.”

Some of that openness can be attributed to social media, history teacher and LGBTQ+ affinity space advisor, Dr. Alicia DeMaio said. “You have access to more media representation and access to queer worlds in a way that I didn’t when I was young.”

The school has also taken measures to create a more welcoming environment for queer students. In the Spring of 2014, Head of School Dr. Tom Kelly announced the introduction of the first gender-neutral bathroom. The non-binary changing area was expanded to a non-binary locker room in the Fall of 2022 after Head of Identity Culture and Institutional Equity (ICIE) Christine Moloney worked with the Athletics and Facilities departments to implement it.

While individual teachers may have been asking about students’ pronouns on the first day of school for several years, Head of Upper Division (UD) Dr. Jessica Levenstein introduced it as a policy for all UD classes in August of 2021.

“It’s nice for everyone, not just the nonbinary students or the trans students, to share their pronouns, so there’s just that base level of understanding and respect for each other,” Singer said.

The school offers two groups for queer students: Gender and Sexuality Alliance (GSA) and the LGBTQ+ Affinity Group. GSA is student-run and open to anyone, regardless of their identity, while the affinity group is led by faculty members DeMaio, Emily Lombardo, and Avery Feingold and is only open to students who identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community.

The purpose of the affinity group, which has 23 students, is to provide support, talk about issues in the school’s queer community and in the world, and find queer joy, DeMaio said. “Hopefully it makes queer-identifying students feel more supported,” she said. “Even if they don’t go, just knowing that those places exist is helpful.”

The affinity group was created in 2017, when Lee was a senior, so she attended a couple meetings before she graduated, she said. Having a space to talk about shared experiences and talk about identity is really important because being in a minority group can be isolating, she said. “As an adult, it’s easier to meet more like-minded people, but in high school, those opportunities are fewer just because a lot of people are coming to terms with their identity and reluctant to talk about it.”

Even though Lee didn’t come out until after high school, she felt comfortable attending these spaces, she said. “They had a level of privacy to them, which was great because there were a lot of students who really wanted to talk about their identities but were not comfortable being out.”

When Krutkovich was a student, along with GSA and the affinity group, the ICIE office had a program that con- nected queer students to queer teachers, she said. Through this, Krutkovich found support from math teacher Meghan Fergusson, who helped her navigate the UD as a gay student. “She was extremely helpful in showing me that you can be a happy, well-achieved gay person,” Krutkovich said. “That was not the message that I had at home.”

DeMaio thinks it is important for students to see queer adults, so she makes herself available for any student to talk to, she said. “I didn’t have any out people in my community when I was younger, so I didn’t even know that it was an option,” she said, “So I hope that having adults be out and queer is comforting for people who maybe don’t have that outside of school.”

While no teachers were particularly open about their sexuality, simply the presence of the few teachers who were gay provided some comfort for Roth, he said. “Anybody who is further down the path than you, can offer support and encouragement, even if you never talk to that person.”

While the school supports students’ sexuality, Singer thinks that there is still not enough support for trans students and genderqueer students, they said. “With so many attacks nationwide on trans youth, it is important that we not only have things like gender neutral bathrooms, but some actual efforts are taken to support trans students, such as education around being transgender.”

The faculty and administration need to understand how large the queer student population is, Singer said. Especially for students who don‘t feel comfortable at home, that understanding would create a more accepting space, they said. “Not accepting you despite the fact that you‘re queer, but accepting you because you‘re you — and also you‘re queer, and that‘s something cool about you that nobody bats an eye at.’”

Lee wants to send an encouraging and optimistic message to current students, but she also recognizes that the issues that come with being queer in high school do not disappear after high school, she said. “It does get better in the sense that people are becoming more thoughtful and inclusive of different identities, but those issues of sexism, racism, and homophobia that you deal with in high school are present in college, in the workplace, and wherever you go in life.”

Roth encourages students not to feel pressure to come out, whatever that might look like, he said. “Coming out is yours. It will happen on your time, when you’re ready, and whenever it happens is precisely the right time.”

ANONYMOUS RESPONSES TO RECORD POLL:

While I’m open with my close friends, I’m not at all confident with being open to the rest of the school. I think that I have the valid opinion of not wanting the majority of Horace Mann students to know about a private part of my life, especially since homophobia and transphobia is still very prevalent at HM. I also think that a common belief is that our school is very liberal and progressive, and while this is true to an extent, there is still a lot of discomfort surrounding discussion about LGBTQ+ identities and “lowkey” homophobia that I often overhear.

I don’t believe that having to identify with a label or being “out” is important. I find it easier to be comfortable about my identity easier around certain groups of people more than others, but from my perspective, most people seem generally accepting or don’t care too much whether someone is LGBTQ+ or not. It’s become a pretty accepted thing for the most part— and there are a lot more LGBTQ+ people than there seems to be, people just aren’t as outward/ open about it because it isn’t really as big of a deal. Your sexuality is a part of your identity but it seems like more people don’t have to make their sexual identity explicit anymore.

People often say things that they think are “jokes” and they don’t realize the effect that it has on queer students at the school and how they’re actually being really offensive. I’ve seen guys in my grade sexualize lesbian couples and just downright make fun of a relationship between two men. If you asked most people at Horace Mann if they were homophobic they would of course answer you saying no, but their actions have a much different response. Although they say how they love the queer community they often just mock us and make comments and do many things that would be considered micro aggressions. As a closeted queer person I’ve seen this happen right in front of my eyes because when people are around only straight and cisgender people they feel comfortable to say things they never would in school.

I’m out to some of my friends, but not to others. As a cis male, I find that many of my other cis male friends are supportive/tolerant in public, but in private they’re often quite homophobic.

I feel comfortable around my close friends but I don’t think I will ever come out fully while at this school. It’s not that I’m ashamed of my identity, I just feel like people don’t need to know I’m queer any more so than they know someone else is straight. The entire concept of assuming students are straight/cis until they “ come out” and declare otherwise is maddening.

I identify as a lesbian. Amongst my friends and general acquaintances, it’s fairly well known. I don’t share that with everyone I meet, but I am easily stereotyped (“visibly queer”) based on my appearance and would guess that most people who aren’t close to me know anyways. I don’t really hide my being queer and would answer honestly if directly asked (in almost any case), but that’s rare.